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Cool Thread!!!!
I’ll definitely chime in on this one.
Zherog- Great simple plot, perfect for first level. I believe however, Dungeon has a NO EVIL CULTS clause at the moment. Also, the villain was ok. I think he needed to be just a little more compelling and have a little more plot oriented motivation, perhaps if he were a druid bent on driving away would be vacationers.
Matrissa- Cool villain, Minions are good too…You could have described more of the location to make it more compelling. The length may have been too long.
Also, it seemed like it might make a good single encounter more than an adventure because I don’t know when you’d make use of the minions prior to the encounter with the main foe. Again, Wereplatypus has some great suggestions….
Shroomy- The proposal looked good to me. Perhaps it was the NO EVIL CULT CLAUSE. The also have NO HIDDEN VILLIAN CLAUSE. Probably because the Age of Worms is filled with evil cults and hidden villains.
Koldoon- I liked this one too. It seemed like a higher-level adventure when I was reading it, perhaps some of the critters are a little potent, sometimes its fun to have a bunch of weaker critters than a single powerful one. You also might consider placing the level up top. I don’t know with this one, I really liked it. Drunken Nomad has a really good point about the final confrontation.
Drunken- I’m guessing that they didn’t like the fact that players needed to align themselves with the thieves guild, and spring the mirror of opposition, then they have to flee.. I love plots like this with my own games, because I know my players and I know what I can get them to walk into. I’ve also played in games where stuff like that wasn’t set up right and it comes off like railroading. The ending seems a little loose to me as well. I dig this type of stuff, (multiple twists and that “thrill of victory agony of defeat” rollercoaster ride) but it doesn’t always translate well.
Now ya’ll can rip me. Here’s my latest bomb.
Proposal
I have a concept for a Dungeon adventure that I hope you might be interested in. As requested I have included the Standard Disclosure Form along with my proposal.
Tim Hitchcock.
LRonKniev @aol.com
Title: Salvage Run
Description: A full-length adventure for four 4th-level characters.
Plot: Long ago, Gilflode was once a great subterranean kingdom of deep dwarves, rich from mining ore and weapon manufacturing. During the human and orc wars, the demand for weapons forced them to increase production drastically. Caution was thrown aside in favor of speed, and unlucky miners struck a pocket of dense toxic gas. The thick toxins slowly streamed into the city, engulfing it and poisoning those inhabitants unable to flee in time. The gas settled covering all but the cities highest rooftops, and trapped refugees in the upper chambers of the city’s main cavern.
It has been over two centuries since the demise of the fabled dwarven city of Gilflode, its relevance passed and forgotten by the short-lived races of the region.
The passing of time has allowed the city’s refugees to build a new and peaceful life in relative seclusion. The dwarves guarded their ancestral home, living above the gas in the upper cave crags and upon the roofs of their former kingdom, and developed strange “diving” apparatus that allows them to descend into the gases and salvage artifacts of the past.
All that has changed since the passing of their headman, Nalvor the Stern. The contested rule has fallen to his paternal twins Gartok Nalvorson and Haetig Nalvorsdottir. Gartok, is an ambitious dwarf bent on resurrecting New Gilflode to its former glory, while his sister wishes to maintain the peaceful and independent status quo. Unable to come to an acceptable conclusion, Gartok has threatened to take the city by force and lead it against the inhabitants of the surrounding lands (an impossible task equivalent to a death wish for his city). When last seen, he and his supporters stole ‘diving’ equipment and plunged deep into the lower gas filled chambers in hopes of finding ancient weapons to launch his revolution.
Haetig, unable to war directly on her brother and those of her people who have followed his coup has become desperate and sought help from the outside world. She desperately needs outsiders who can solve her dilemma discreetly without exposing the existence of her city. What neither Haetig nor Gartok realize is the rebels are not the only creatures in Old Gilflode, which has become the recent host to a kaorti cyst pilgrimage who find its environment perfectly suited to their needs.
The Role of the PCs: The PCs must don strange diving equipment (air tubes, masks, and goggles) and descend into the toxic gas filled ruins of Old Gilflode. They must try to track down and capture Gartok and his band of rebels before he launches a revolution that would ultimately expose his small city to the more powerful kingdoms of the sunlit lands.
To accomplish this they must also deal with kaorti, currently salvaging Old Gilflode for arcane treasures and hunting any creatures they come across.
Foes and Rewards: The PCs will encounter hostile dwarves whom they are expected to kill, kaotri (a violent and evil race of outsiders from the far realm), and dwarves who have been vilely transformed into kaorti thralls. There will also be a few undead and constructs, remnants of the city’s previous inhabitants
Gilflode is filled with lost treasures and lore. In addition to standard rewards the PCs can make a potent ally in Haetig who can grant them honorary citizenship in New Gilflode (a boon because it is both secret and well protected). Kaorti also have unique resin armor and weapons unseen by most mortals.
Length and Number of Maps: I estimate the length of the piece to be approximately 8,000 words and require two maps, one of New Gilflode and one of Old Gilflode.
I'd also like to see a few successful queries, as more primary data on how to communicate cool ideas effectively. Here could work, or in this thread.
Tim, Off the top of my head 8,000 words seems incredibly low for what you are suggesting here. This sounds more like 13,000+. I doubt that was the reason it was nixed. If this was submitted one or two meetings ago I would almost think that the No-Borg Clause had kicked-in.
Speaking of which, Phillip and Wolfgang both bear some small resposibility for why you may never see this beauty...The lion's share though is still mine.
Dungeon Proposal:
PERFECTION
Nirvana Comes a Moment Too Soon
“Perfection” starts out sorta funny, but quickly spins into realms of horror tinged with black humor. It is a D&D adventure for 9th-level characters. It will require about 10,000 words and maps for a small set of catacombs, an overhead map of a town, interior maps for a few choice buildings where encounters occur and an strange inverted ziggurat.
Adventure in a Nutshell: Recent construction along the inner town wall unearths a set of catacombs that don’t show up in any set of plans. The catacombs hold an ancient portal to the Clockwork Nirvana of Mechanus. Eons in the future the door (and hundreds like it) is to be opened so that the lawful beings of Mechanus can rebuild the mortal world after it is nearly destroyed by chaos. A small boy investigates the catacombs and accidentally sets off the timer that counts down to the door opening. When the clockwork beings emerge they will dismantle the town (and the people in it) and rebuild everything (organic stuff included) according to plan. Of course the scouts (the survey crew) arrive early to map out the construction project.
The primary antagonists include a small army of clockwork horrors who have been subcontracted to do the demolition job because of their efficiency. Zelekhuts guard the worksite and hunt down the most chaotic people in the town for conversion into axiomatic beings. Meanwhile the foreman, a formian myrmarch and her army of lesser formians begin to construct a brave new world out of the old. In the end after everyone finds out that the whole thing was a mistake the myrmarch still sees no reason why she should stop a construction job she has just started – why the costs alone…. If the anything the foreman reasons when the apocalypse comes she will be ahead of schedule.
“Well, what do you think sirs?”
- Joel Robinson at the end of any given invention exchange on MST3k.
GGG
Tim- There are only a couple of 'nitpicky' things that I can see, there are 12% passive sentences and 2 uses of 'will' verbs. The story is very cool, it's an 'underwater' adventure with a twist. More dangerous, because of possibility of explosions in the gas...that might be the thing that killed it. The chance to blow up everything with a bad metal on metal strike causing sparks. Now that I'm writing this, I don't remember if the gas is explosive.
The use of the primitive diving equipment (well, primitive compared to now) is an interesting twist. Most adventures use magic potions to overcome the airlessness, Of the standard magic items that could overcome the gas...ioun stone/necklace of adaption/cube of force, only the stone could be available at this level. I didn't see a 'hook' to get PCs underground.
Well I did a little investigating this morning. I usually write at home on an iMAC, and my version of Appleworks does not have the greatest features (at least compared to MS Word), so I usually send the file to work to finish it off using Word. Well, I checked this morning and for some reason, the grammar check function on my computer was basically turned off. I turned the feature on all the way, and now I definitely see all of the passive voice. Also, put my two pending queries through, and groan.... Well, live and learn, damn my Luddite tendencies!
Tim - I liked your query. I thought it put an interesting twist on the "underwater" thing. Creating a new environment in which to adventure while being able to rely on an entire existing subset of rules is pretty darn cool. G-cubed hit one thing I thought of - it seems like 8K is a bit short for what the adventure is going to need. The other thing that's a bit nitpicky is the level - it really doesn't seem like something Haetig would trust to mere 4th level people from the outside world - at least to me. But like I said, that's nitpicky.
Baudot - there's a few successful queries posted around these forums. I'm pretty sure, for example, that Greg has posted the query from Tamaurat's Fate. I just can't recall where...
***
G^3 - "Perfection" sounds really interesting. It's a nice way to set PCs against neutrals rather than evils. The first thing that struck me was how short your query is; I actually copy/pasted into Word. At 12 pitch (my preferred size - bad eye sight sucks), it's just barely past a half page; it only clocks in at 310 words. If I double space it, it barely rolls over to a second page. I think you had a whole lot of room available to you where you could expand on this super-cool idea.
You only have one passive voice instance; you do have a typo in the first paragraph where you say, "...and an strange inverted ziggurat."
There's also no mention of rewards the party can earn. This is fairly important, I think. Along the same lines, what sort of reaction does the party's actions have back on Mechanus? Have they earned an enmity with somebody? Grudging respect? Indifference?
Zelekhuts guard the worksite and hunt down the most chaotic people in the town for conversion into axiomatic beings.
How? Do you intend to use the rituals presented in Savage Species? If so, you should mention it; if not, you may want to briefly explain how the conversion will take place.
I guess I can sum it all up by saying you have a really cool idea here, and it almost certainly would've benefited from expansion, taking full advantage of the word and page count permitted on a query.
***
Shroomy - it's amazing some of the things Word can check for, isn't it?
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Well I did a little investigating this morning. I usually write at home on an iMAC, and my version of Appleworks does not have the greatest features (at least compared to MS Word), so I usually send the file to work to finish it off using Word. Well, I checked this morning and for some reason, the grammar check function on my computer was basically turned off. I turned the feature on all the way, and now I definitely see all of the passive voice. Also, put my two pending queries through, and groan.... Well, live and learn, damn my Luddite tendencies!
But mac's rule. I believe paizo still runs on a mac system as well. You also might consider getting your hands on a copy of word for mac, which is what I use.
But mac's rule. I believe paizo still runs on a mac system as well. You also might consider getting your hands on a copy of word for mac, which is what I use.
Already working on it.
Any recent OS X mac should come with a demo of Office, if I recall correctly.
I
Any recent OS X mac should come with a demo of Office, if I recall correctly.
I
Unfortunately, my computer is a relatively ancient G3 running 10.1.something.
“Well, what do you think sirs?”
- Joel Robinson at the end of any given invention exchange on MST3k.GGG
Oh man, there are so many things I could go with here..."It stinks","Chief, MCCLOUD!","Gamera is really neat.","Die, Jeeter, Die"...but, I think I will respond with a good old "Push the button, Frank."
Like Zherog said, 300 words?!?!!? Wow, you needed to go on and give the ed's way more than you had there. The formian angle was covered in a previous Dungeon...I had one in the meeting right after that got printed, dangit! I think that was what you were alluding to with the
"Speaking of which, Phillip and Wolfgang both bear some small resposibility for why you may never see this beauty...The lion's share though is still mine."
line above. It is a great story and has inspired me to really edit my next proposal down in word count...maybe not this far, but knock off at least a couple hundred words.
Oh man, there are so many things I could go with here..."It stinks","Chief, MCCLOUD!","Gamera is really neat.","Die, Jeeter, Die"...but, I think I will respond with a good old "Push the button, Frank."“Well, what do you think sirs?”
- Joel Robinson at the end of any given invention exchange on MST3k.GGG
"And in case you've forgotten - Manos, the Hands of Fate."
Cue up the haunting Torgo theme and let's cut to a question that's on everyone's mind: "How much O'Keefe is in this movie anyway?"
Great Green God of Space
"Your weapons are usless against me."
PS Oh, forgot about the tread. Yes, that was probably my shortest proposal, but I have gotten things nearly as short (450 words) in the door and past the magical greenlight. For those of you wondering the longest proposal I ever did was a resubmit; 10,000 words worth with maps and all. Ask any of my collaborators and they'll tell you I can't keep an adventure word count to save my life.
Just wanted to pop in and say that, next to the submission guidelines and the "tips for contributors" thread, this kind of workshopping is probably the best tool out there for improving your odds of getting published in Dungeon (or anywhere else, for that matter). Keep it up!
-James
Yay! I created something good and useful! :D
PS Oh, forgot about the tread. Yes, that was probably my shortest proposal, but I have gotten things nearly as short (450 words) in the door and past the magical greenlight. For those of you wondering the longest proposal I ever did was a resubmit; 10,000 words worth with maps and all. Ask any of my collaborators and they'll tell you I can't keep an adventure word count to save my life.
Trust me... he's not kidding.
Though, in all fairness, he's pretty good about identifying encounters to sacrifice to restore the appearance of word count sanity.
- Ashavan
Ok, here's one that 'might have been' for me. Yep, Shroomy, it's another 'mafia' type story.
Hey Rob,
I hope you don’t mind if I take a crack at your proposal. Here are my observations:
1. Use a different MacGuffin – I the PCs would have some serious trouble keeping things balanced with a 92,000 gp magic item that they could use themselves. Also, why does the splinter guild care about it? As for the PCs, what’s stopping them from keeping it? A better hook would be one that is only valuable to both guilds, and the running of the carnival. . . . a ledger, a detailed “blueprint” of the guild’s secrets, a gem containing illusory training materials for animal handling techniques, a champion’s belt made of pure ice that is valueless, and yet took hours and hours to carve, etc.
2. Organization – I think it’s great that you use the PC’s perspective through most of the proposal. However, things are a bit muddled. You present unrelated bits of information all over the place, and don’t really provide a cohesive picture of what is going on. It reads more like a brainstorming session. Start with the PCs and the festival, including any relevant details about it in one place such as how it works, who puts it on, etc. Then, once that is written, move onto a second paragraph detailing contact with the guild, what they want, etc.
3. The title event - What is the bazaar and why are the PCs preparing? You have a great opportunity to get the dice rolling with a few contests, or maybe some kind of encounter that draws the PCs to the thieves’ guild. Walls of Ice? Townsfolk fighting beasties? What does this mean? You mentioned something about the ultimate challenge being the mirror. It sounds cool, but you don’t explain it in a way that a reader can easily understand.
4. Watch the railroading – Tim H. said it best, and he's probably right that this may ahve been the bigegst deterrent to publication. You describe exactly how the PCs obtain the mirror, how they arbitrarily get tricked despite any precautions or saves they might make, and how they run from the rival thieves’ guild. While this can enjoyably occur in a home game (as TIm said again), you don’t see that kind of stuff in the magazine.
5. Conclusions – The original guild wants the bazaar to continue, for its own profit. Okay, I get that. So is there a double-cross with the splinter faction? Are the PCs able to deliver the goods? How do they fail? You end the action with several bandits and animals in the woods, which isn’t a good ending. How does it play?
In general, you may need to reread your proposals a few times, and make sure you present information in a clearer way. I really wanted to critique your proposal (you’re in the Band of Five Writers, yo!), but it honestly took some work to figure it out. I don’t think the editors can take the time to do this, despite how interesting it turned out to be.
I really liked the basic idea, and I think there is plenty of good stuff about that bazaar. . . maybe as an excercise, you could come up with five different plots with the same carnival backdrop?
Anyway, those are my ideas. Keep playing the siege music, as those Renton walls will have to crumble someday . . . :)
- Chris
Okay, I have a proposal, if anyone wants to look at it. I'd love to revisit the ideas in a future resubmit. It was the first one I ever wrote, and has a soft spot in my heart:
“Face the Music” – an adventure for 7th level PCs
The Curse of Lannisport
The PCs enter a peaceful town nestled on the edge of a number of ruins, consisting of multiple buildings that dot the landscape. The town seems normal in every respect, except every NPC is nearly deaf. The PCs discover that a generational curse has been laid upon the town by the dreaded Grand Master Agrias von Tritarian. He was a former professor at the once prestigious Musical Academy, which is now in ruins near the town. At the moment of his ultimate triumph, the town turned down his request to perform in the town square. The grand master died soon after, never hearing his piece, and breathing the curse with his last words.
Awed by such important PCs in their town, the deaf officials ask them (loudly) if they could help them break the curse by getting the piece played in the town square. The copies of the musical piece were lost, but it is rumored that the original vellum of sheet music is located in the ruins of a musical library. Unfortunately, the Ear of Lannisport currently occupies it: a foul hermit enchanter who has beguiled a clan of Bugbears to perform loud percussion tunes in the dead of night. The Ear of Lannisport possesses hundreds of written works and writings, as well as a magical ear horn that counters deafness in the person that uses it. Furthermore, The Ear is currently tormenting a traveling bard, the flamboyant, but disaffected, Maestro Frederic de Plansey, whose rescue will give the PCs an important ally to decipher much of the library’s contents.
The Pipe Organ and the Chorus
After the PCs located the proper piece, they discover a bit of bad news: the piece requires a chorus of 100 vocalists and the playing of a full Pipe Organ. Worse, neither exists, or has ever existed, in the town of Lannisport. If that weren’t enough, the PCs will also find themselves affected by the curse, inhibiting a few related checks, as well as making spellcasting difficult. The town officials will be able to give the PCs two bits of information (loudly): First of all, there is a ruined Pipe Organ in the chapel of a gutted cathedral. 2. The Harmony Nest, a trio of harpies, has claimed it for their own. They enjoy playing the discordant pipes to control a pack of howlers, and will not give up their prized possession without a fight.
Once they have possession of the pieces, the PCs may have trouble reassembling the broken Pipe Organ (likely). They can negotiate access to a nearby monastery, sponsored by a gnomish thieves’ guild, which specializes in instrument construction. The Pipe Organ is the most complicated piece of machinery of the times, and serves as a perfect tool to practice the manually dexterous skills of a thief (so say the Gnomes). They must negotiate with the duplicitous guild and follow their instructions to rebuild the organ.
If that weren’t enough, they must also create a chorus of 100 of the deaf villagers, a grueling task only possible through the convincing of the reluctant Maestro Frederic de Plansey, who wants nothing more than to leave the area and never look back.
After The Performance
If the PCs succeed at all of their tasks, the piece is played in the town square. Upon the last note, the curse is lifted, and the town rejoices. But then a rumbling of thunder is heard, and the locked gates of the Ruined Academy swing open. Foul music can be heard from within, and a dark cloud circles the area.
The playing of his lost piece will bring back the specter of Grand Master Agrias von Tritarian himself, along with his most devoted students and thralls. The PCs must quest for his final destruction inside the Ruined Academy, where they will find the inner sanctum of the secretive Grand Master.
It is estimated that the total word length of the adventure should be about 11 thousand words. There will be an overland map of Lannisport and area, as well as small maps of 3 locations: The Music Library, the Harmony Nest, and the Ruined Academy. The PCs should gain at least one level, and the adventure will include suggestions on goal-oriented role-playing awards.
Unfortunately, my computer is a relatively ancient G3 running 10.1.something.
My first published adventure was written in TextEdit, the version that comes bundled with OSX and does rtf and pdf easily.
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My first published adventure was written in TextEdit, the version that comes bundled with OSX and does rtf and pdf easily.
Unfortunately, my computer is a relatively ancient G3 running 10.1.something.
My first was done in simple-text which I later cut and pasted into quark. That was back in the days of side-treks, which for me was great because I'm not real good with proposals. My first three adventures never had proposals, I just submitted them sidetreks and somehow I was permitted to make them longer (lucky me, my third piece some how inspired a sequel). So I guess tha means in all actuality the only successful proposal I've ever written was this one....
Dear Dungeon,
I have a single-encounter, low-level, situational dungeons and dragons adventure that I'd like to submit. While under normal circumstances I'd submit the adventure as a side trek, it has quite a few stat blocks and a necessary appendix which substantially increase the word count. I could amend this with abbreviated stat blocks, however the potential for lots of PC/NPC interaction seemed to insinuate thoroughness. Currently, I expect the word count to be around 5,000 words. I've also included the SDF at the end of this e-mail.
Sincerely,
Tim Hitchcock
LRonKniev@aol.com
Here's a brief rundown.
Title
The tentative title is called "Box of Flumphs" and yes, its about Flumphs (thus the appendix).
Plot
The adventure is specifically designed for when characters need to book passage on a ship.
The premise is that a shady fixer (known as the Grackle) is hired to transport a box of kidnapped and heavily sedated flumphs to another region via a ship. During the journey, the flumphs regain consciousness and begin to panic, thus producing their notoriously nauseating smell. While finding the source of the smell and freeing the flumphs is a relatively easy task, figuring out what to do with the creatures is more difficult as the flumphs, the ship's captain, and the Grackle each have their own agendas. There is also the opportunity for PCs to figure out who is responsible for the flumphs dilemma and uncover the extent of the Grackle's schemes.
The intended antagonist is the Grackle, a shady rogue with connections to a shadier merchant. However there is the opportunity for shady PCs to side with him in which case the Flumphs become the antagonists. Other NPCs such as the ships captain and crew also have the potentential to become either protagonists or antagonists.
Rewards
Treasure is also nonstandard and as it depends on how PC handle the encounter.
Options include flumphs giving PC information and performing as guides to undisclosed locations near their homeland tunnels. The Captain providing free transportation or even a cut of merchandise sales (sales which decrease the longer the journey takes), to bribes and possible future work for the Grackle.
Maps
As far as maps go, it would be nice to include a layout of the ship or a few of its key areas. But should you prefer an abridged "side trek" version, no maps are necessary.
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Comments on "The Burton-Char Winter Bazaar":
First of all, it seems like a generally cool idea, with plenty of variety in the types of challenges facing the PCs.
Once they have the mirror, they must meet the thieves at the rendezvous point, where chaos erupts as the true guild appears and forces the PCs to flee. The PCs have the contact person and city where the mirror is to be delivered and the guild sends a cutthroat crew to retrieve the mirror for the carnival.
I don't like that the PCs are forced into flight, and it doesn't seem necessary. If you assume the PCs must flee, then you have to give the thieves' guild's forces overwhelming might so that the players get the point (since IME, most players default to fighting before considering retreat). It seems like it'd be more fun to make the fight a tough one, but winnable if the players are skilled and the PCs are lucky. That makes the choice of whether to fight or flee an interesting one. Make sure the guild forces can't overwhelm the PCs in a single round, but can make their prowess known quickly, so that the PCs have time to make that choice with sufficient information. (So probably no spellcasters, just a straight-out melee.) You don't want to sucker them into a TPK.
Monsters include: Humanoid thieves of various levels including a troll rogue with animated skeletons for support...
This looks like at least a CR 7 encounter. Isn't that a bit too much for a 3rd-level party?
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Wereplatypus-
Very cool premise for an adventure. There are a lot of unusual tasks and challenges, also it might be a little goofy. Both qualities, I personally applaud (i after all seem to like pigs, halflings with elvis sideburns, and flumphs), however goofy does seem to draw its criticism. Checking the other elemnts, Cool locations, Cool Villian, lots of minions, Plot seems pretty good... I'm guessing it was a just a matter of aesthetic.
GGG-
I loved your proposal, I think you're probably spot on about Clockwork Fortress being the reason they declined it. Hopefully they'll accept a requery on it in the future.
Speaking of which... any staffers out there have advice for us printwhores about how many years we should wait before requerying an adventure concept (after reworking it of course)?
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Okay, I'm ready for it... really I am. Here's my query for Into the Icy Depths:
In a certain land, on a certain day came certain disaster. The mayor had wished, out loud, for a cool breeze. Many in town wondered at the result - had their mayor unknowingly been blessed (or cursed) with great power? Wonder soon changed to terror as the rare blistering heat became suddenly something else. A cool breeze was the least of the town’s worry, for the breeze was not cool, but cold - frigid, icy. Soon the hail started, and then snow, and by mid-afternoon the town stood buried under it. The snow melted the next day, but what came with it, that did not depart.
That last sentence confused me when I first read through it; I thought the climate had returned to normal, only to find the lake was frozen in the next paragraph. I'm still not sure if that's what happened. Maybe something like:
Soon the snow started, and didn't let up until the next morning. After the townspeople dug themselves out, they found that something other than freezing weather had come to their town that day...
The multiverse harbors a great secret - one known to few sages in any realm. There is no one single Baba Yaga.
I'm with WerePlatypus on this, I would consider excising Baba Yaga entirely. I think BY is very cool, but I also think this detracts from the focus on what is a great setup, engaging story, and interesting antagonist all by itself. You don't need Baba Yaga to make this a compelling adventure; plus, it saves a lot on word count.
Leaving out the Baba Yaga connection opens a few holes, but those are easily filled in.
The children know about the stair because the Baba Yaga follow a strict code that prevents them from harming certain children - as such her minions have left the children alone.
Here's the main hole I found. You'll need a reason for the marzanna to leave the children alone without falling back on folklore. Maybe. There might be other ways to do it.
most creatures encountered by the PCs will be between CR 2-5.
I love this. You've managed to come up with a wonderfully creative adventure concept, with interesting monsters, for low-level characters.
The adventure is suitable for a party of 4th level. A party that insists upon killing the final monster is liable to die. The Baba Yaga in this adventure is beyond the capability of the PCs to defeat in combat unless they get very lucky, or are very clever. Again, a bard, cleric, or PC who has chosen to invest in social skills - Diplomacy, Bluff, Intimidate, etc. will prove an asset in dealing with Baba Yaga. Can the PCs persuade the witch to release the child? Or will Irina lose her daughter to the terrors of the outer planes?
I agree with some others, it feels like a letdown not to be able to fight the hag. Also, the diplomacy option is interesting, but the proposal doesn't provide enough information about what the PCs could use as leverage in a bargain. We need a bit more information about the marzanna's motivations, and the PCs need a way to acquire something (not necessarily a physical item) in the adventure that she wants.
I had heard about the proscription against half-dragons some time ago, but not some of the other mentioned in this thread: no evil cults, no hidden villains, no borgs, etc. Is there a compiled list of these somewhere?
Check out the "Is there a Black Hole...." thread. Every now and then the editors will drop by and tell you what they got too much of in the last meeting. Angry druids, cults, and assimulation stories topped one list a little while ago. This list can change over the course of a meeting or two and depending on how much they love your idea.
Oh and don't use apostophes in people's names (J'ames J'acobs hates that!). I'm going to hyphens myself.
G'G-G
PS Oh, forgot about the tread. Yes, that was probably my shortest proposal, but I have gotten things nearly as short (450 words) in the door and past the magical greenlight. For those of you wondering the longest proposal I ever did was a resubmit; 10,000 words worth with maps and all. Ask any of my collaborators and they'll tell you I can't keep an adventure word count to save my life.Trust me... he's not kidding.
Though, in all fairness, he's pretty good about identifying encounters to sacrifice to restore the appearance of word count sanity.
- Ashavan
Ahh, you haven't gotten to my section have you?
;)
GGG
I just got an e-mail from that big meanie James Sutter. :P He sent a rejection for my second (and last) query. The interesting thing about this rejection is that this query was sent after the last meeting; so I guess that makes me the first person around here to get a rejection on a query prior to the query reaching a meeting. Yay for being first. :(
As I read over this now, I see a few typos; those certainly didn't help any. I knew at the time of submission that insane wizards were frowned upon, but I honestly thought this one was unique enough to pass the test. Guess not. Comments - positive or negative - are welcome.
Overdue Library Book
Vestein Dublois was a loyal member of the local thieves guild, applying his summoning knowledge to the various tasks assigned by the guild. That loyalty began to wane several years ago when Vestein uncovered bizarre information, finding he could tap into the power of the Far Realm, making his summonings more powerful. At first, this power was just another option in his repertoire of abilities, but obsession took hold of the wizard, and soon he spent every waking moment studying the Far Realm, desperately seeking a way to cross over.
His guild members last saw Vestein one year ago, when he utilized the guild’s library. Vestein borrowed a book written in an obscure language. The guild’s librarian reported that Vestein had an odd, distant look in his eyes. The guild is concerned about their member; they’re also concerned about recovering the book. Research indicates the book has a dark history, with previous owners all meeting mysterious and gruesome deaths.
The guild has attempted numerous times to contact Vestein, including sending a courier to Vestein’s secluded tower. All attempts failed and the courier never returned. Enter the PCs.
The guild is concerned about their member, but they’re more concerned about recovering the book. The guild hopes the PCs are willing to do the work pro bono, but they negotiate a fair payment if the group balks at going for free. The top priority for the guild is the recovery of the book, and they make that known to the PCs – though they make up excuses as to why the book is so important. Alternately, the family or friends of Vestein's apprentice, Gabril, hire the PCs to find her, or one of the PCs personally knows Vestein and has received a letter from the old wizard requesting the PC come to witness a great discovery. Regardless of the plot hook selected , the group of PCs travels to Vestein’s tower. There, the players find the tower no longer occupied, but certainly not empty. Vestein’s research enabled him to open a small gate within the tower. Bizarre from the other side took over the tower. The PCs must fight their way through the extraplanar creatures. On the top floor, the players encounter the gate; they also locate the book, though several pages are missing. The players seal the gate, recover the book, and also recover Vestein’s journal. The journal demonstrates the conjurer’s fractured mind, with the entries becoming more and more bizarre. A moment of lucidity, however, explains the gate in the tower was a test, and Vestein’s real plan is to open up a larger gate just outside the city. Vestein’s notes indicate the gate should allow all sorts of odd creatures to flow through from the Far Realm. Vestein plans to lead these creatures as he takes over the city – the first step in his plan to usher in more creatures from the Far Realm. Failure by the characters could be catastrophic for the city.
General Information
Overdue Library Book is a generic world adventure designed for 13th level PCs. The players start in a major city before traveling a few days distance to Vestein’s tower. From there, they discover the gate and grimoire, destroy the gate, and uncover the insane wizard’s plan. Quickly, the players must travel back to the city, locate the wizard, and thwart his plan before catastrophe can strike. The players also have the chance to learn the truth – the book Vestein took from the library is actually an intelligent magic item, determined to open a permanent rift between the player’s world and the Far Realm.
Important Foes
Vestein is a conjurer 7/alienist 6. The tome fractured his sanity, but whatever remained was stripped away once he made contact with the Far Realm.
Pseudonatural creatures that have found their way through the gate overrun Vestein’s tower. Also within the tower, the PCs find Vestein’s current apprentice, a gnome named Gabril (conjurer 7). The crazy wizard abandoned Gabril in the tower, and the fantastic creatures that now roam free trapped her there. Rescuing her earns the PCs an XP bonus.
Among the stuff the PCs can recover in the tower is the book sought by the guild. The book is a malignant intelligent magic item. While Vestein ripped a chunk of pages from the book, it has the ability to regenerate these pages. If the book believes it can dominate on the players, it will take advantage of the opportunity to have yet another slave.
After the PCs track Vestein back to the city, they confront the alienist and the pack of pseudonatural wolves that guards him.
Rewards
Along with XP commensurate with the challenges overcome and equipment found on Vestein, the players have the opportunity to recover several spellbooks in Vestein’s tower. Also in the tower, the players find some art objects not yet destroyed by the pseudonatural creatures.
Should the players rescue Gabril, she is quite grateful. She could make a strong ally for the players in the future, especially given her contacts within the guild.
Should the players return the book to the guild, any deal they negotiated is honored. Should the PCs capture Vestein and return him to the guild rather than killing him, the guild is quite thankful. They double the reward and consider the PCs for other important jobs in the future.
Estimates
Overdue Library Book will require around 11,500 words. The adventure requires three maps. The first map will be an overland map, indicating the distance between the city and Vestein’s tower. The second map will be the details of the wizard’s tower; the final map will be a tactical map of the area where Vestein is working to open the gate to the Far Realm.
This is actually the next adventure my PCs will be going on, once they wrap up The Styes. There'll be side treks along the way to get them up to the correct level. Vestein is the mentor of one of the PCs - it's going to be so much fun to turn this twist on her. :D
I like him enough as a bad guy that I think I may yank him out and create him as a Critical Threat...
4. Watch the railroading – Tim H. said it best, and he's probably right that this may ahve been the bigegst deterrent to publication. You describe exactly how the PCs obtain the mirror, how they arbitrarily get tricked...
That is another of the BIG things I get called on. Like what has been said...it is easy to do this in yer home game beacuse you know how far you can push the players in the direction that you want them to go. So, that's the postion I write from. I am working on ones with less railroading...I hope. Since they are up to October according to the other thread, it won't be long till I find out.
Oh, and tripG, that would be Miles O Keefe.
"He jock it made of steel,
Eat sushi from a pail,
Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!"
Chris-
I am with you on the hermit and the bugbears, the rescuing of the bard, the mini quest to get the pipeorgan...and I love the double meaning of the final song (remove the curse and summon the spectre all in one fell swoop). It was the subplot of the 100 deaf people learning to sing a chorus. That was where I drew the line. Other than that, I think you have a heck of a story.
That is another of the BIG things I get called on. Like what has been said...it is easy to do this in yer home game beacuse you know how far you can push the players in the direction that you want them to go. So, that's the postion I write from. I am working on ones with less railroading...I hope. Since they are up to October according to the other thread, it won't be long till I find out.
I went to dinner and a movie with my fiancee tonight, and all I could think about was an arena made of ice, with frenzied fans lining the outside, and magical beasts and gladiators facing off on the inside . . . I wonder how hot blood reacts when it splatters onto a sheet of ice? Does it steam? Does it freeze? I feel like I need to know.
I went to dinner and a movie with my fiancee tonight, and all I could think about was an arena made of ice, with frenzied fans lining the outside, and magical beasts and gladiators facing off on the inside . . . I wonder how hot blood reacts when it splatters onto a sheet of ice? Does it steam? Does it freeze? I feel like I need to know.
I've noticed in my gladiator fight research that I did on those hockey rinks that the wound does steam (especially from halberd and glaive-guissarme attacks) but the splatter just hits and freezes in the individual drops.
Obviously, Im just talkin out of my a$$. LOL!
First, thanks to everyone who stepped up and made comments. I also took Jeremy up on the offer he made in the "Black Hole" thread to give further comments and you folks hit all but one his four main points, and dug up a significant number of others he didn't mention explicitly (He did finish up with "There are a few other things, but it looks like they have mostly been covered on the messagboard thread.").
For the record, Jeremy's four points were, in order:
Basic plot of "villain turns people to stone and then sells it as artwork" is old and tired and needs to have a really fresh treatment to be revisited.
He said this was probably the bigest strike against the proposal
Too difficult to figure out what the PCs were going to be doing in the adventure.
Yup. You've all said it too - missing the "how?" and "what next?" bits. In my defense, I actually had these details originally, only I cut them to try and get closer to hitting length. If I'd known, at the time, to limit backstory and push adventure I would have done it the other way! :-P
Couldn't figure out the PC Level.
D'oh! This was totally my bad - I *KNOW* that is a critically important detail and saying "Mid-Level Adventure" just doesn't cut it. I still can’t believe I left it out of the proposal! (For the record - it was intended to be for PCs around 7th level)
"And finally, we are kind of down on lycanthropes lately, as there have been a lot of them in the magazine recently."
{sigh} This would be the one point that none of you got -- mainly because there was no way for any of you to know. But, sit up, take note, let it be said far and wide: avoid Lycanthropes like the plague they are for the next while! ;-)
Now I'd just like to respond to a couple of things some of you said too.
You obviously enjoy the NPC, and you've created an interesting backstory for her. The only real issue I see is that there really isn't an adventure in this proposal. Based on what you've written, how would this play itself out for over 10K words?
"Jet Black: Captivating Works of Art" is actually a re-envisioning of an adventure that I called just "Jet Black" and which I wrote for "Original" D&D (You know ... Basic/Expert/Masters/&c....) many, many, MANY, moons ago. Having written the original, and then torn it apart and ripped out the flaws, then threw it in my mental blender in preparation for putting it back together again with much more depth and understanding, I know how long it was before and approximated how big it would likely be. (Of course, that was before I knew how badly I was overusing passive voice, not to mention just being plain over descriptive - I love description... too much, if I'm brutally honest with myself). So I can honestly say that there is enough for 10k+ words. (Your "The Mansion Act III" is the closest to the true plan, though I suppose it should be something more like "The Mansion Act II" as the PCs visit first, noticing some minor, but suspicious "clues", then witness and/or realize something that goes beyond suspicious and into "definitely dastardly" and end up skulking their way into the mansion and effecting a rescue op while also taking out the BBGs
Not that you can tell that from what I actually put in the query. As you and others point out, what is there doesn't quite get it across the finish line. I really should have put more effort on that and less on (you guessed it) backstory!
Other bits: {much snippage}
Great thoughts and ideas, mind if I steal a few? ;-)
Seriously, I've always intended to finish writing the adventure, regardless of whether Dungeon took it - I want to use it in my current campaign! And some of your ideas fill in a few of the chinks in the details I hadn't gotten around to thinking about yet.
You have an intersting NPC. Have you statted her out? Maybe she would make a good Critical Threat, instead of the focus of an adventure? Generally, editors have given me this advice in the past, when they've had more time to provide feedback.
She sounds cool. Really cool. You have a super-cool prestige class working here, and you have a "terrible secret" for the NPC as well. I'll second what Ashavan said (I think he said it, anyway), and suggest you take Matrissa and submit her as a critical threat. I think she'd fit very nicely into that section.
Yeah, She really is pretty cool and I was actually thinking about this as an option even before the official rejection for the proposal came in.
I think there's a pretty good chance I'll do it too... may even try to do it before the next meeting cut-off (whenever that will actually be...).
You have a number of issues with this query, the first being that it's too long. It clocks in at over 1100 words.
Just felt the need repeat that this was written before the "1000 word, single spaced, one space after periods" rule was set. We were still on 1-2 pages, double spaced. :-D
(btw, it was evocative and had a lot of interesting ideas):
Thank you for saying so. :-)
It does seem to me that it is going to be a difficult task to keep my proposals as evocative given less description and more "crunch" to work with. However, I've decided that the best way to look at things is to approach the task not unlike the personal challenge I occational set myself of packing up for an office move and using the fewest number of standard issue boxes. Anyone who tossed all my books and papers and knick-knacks together more or less randomly could expect to need five, maybe six boxes, but as a master of spacial thinking (something I unabashedly claim) I challenged myself to pack things as "perfectly" as possible and consistently get everything packed into four boxes or less. That is, its all about jamming the same amount of stuff into a smaller space.
I think you’ve created a deranged mage here that would pass the editors "no deranged wizards as villains" test, but you’re describing her in passive voice. You fix this later in the paragraph, but I think your frequent use of passive voice probably hurt you in the submissions process. We all do this, and it’s sometimes hard to notice, part of why a good proof-reader before submission is a must. I’d make the description a bit more concise, but it’s good.
First, thanks for the tip of the hat to Matrissa as a "deranged mage" that would probably get past the "no deranged mages" filter. I always felt that her makeup was a key to the adventure's potential appeal -- crazy mage double plus.
Passive voice: you know, it's funny but with most writing I normally don't worry about my use of passive voice -- my mum is an English teacher and I grew up with the rules of grammar being pounded into my head whenever I wrote an essay or something, and I know perfectly well I should avoid passive voice in general and also how and when to use it to good effect. The god's only know why that went right out the window here and I can only assume that I would have done exactly the same thing with another proposal if no one had pointed it out to me. I'll be turning that grammar flag back on in MS Word for the next one!
Proof reader: Right. I knew about that one for a final manuscript but it didn't even occur to me for a proposal. I'm sure I can rope someone in to do it - maybe my Mum. ;-)
Your range is too big here… try for a target number and aim to hit within a 1000 words of it (or even better, 500 words of it).
Word counts - as others have said, your range is way too large. The editors don't know what they're dealing with. This thread in the archives will help you nail down your estimate to a more reasonable number. Here's the important bits from there: <snippage>
Ashavan, John - thanks for pointing out the problem with my word estimate range, and especially to John for pointing me at the tips on guestimating word count. That had to be the one thing about the proposal that I did not feel at all comfortable about - hence the reason I put down such a wide range. I have similar issues when someone at works wants a time estimate. {sigh}
Given the advice John pasted and Ashavan's recommendation I would now say ... 12,000 words, aiming for no more than 13,000, less if I could manage it.
Matrissa is a kind and charming host when the PC’s approach her but behind the pleasant exterior and a secret door or two, she hides a dark secret in the depths beneath her richly appointed manor.I liked this sentence; I found it evocative.
Thanks - I really like all these "evocative" comments. :-D
------
{whew!} I think that's it. Thanks, again, to everyone for chiming in and chewing up my stuff. And have no fear but, in the immortal words of Arnie, "I'll be back" - with more proposals of one kind or another. I had too much fun trying the first time to stop now. ;-)
-jenni
... felt the need repeat that ...
(... felt the need TO repeat that ...)... spacial thinking ...
(... SPATIAL thinking ...)... its all about ...
(... IT'S all about ...)The god's only know ...
(The GODS only know ...)
Man, I need a proof reader for my posts. Either that, or I should stop posting after 12a. :-P
-jenni
Zherog, since no one has chimed in yet, and I have some time, I thought I would provide some comments on "Overdue Library Book."
I think one of the primary reasons why the adventure was rejected was because it uses the "mad wizard opens a gate to to destroy/conquer the city" plotline. It is fairly cliche, so using that plotline is going to obviously require a little more oomph than normal to get it past the editors.
More or less, the book is the actual villain of the adventure, as it is responsible for Vestein's obsession and could possibly come to dominate the players. Since it is a very important part of the adventure, it probably needed to be fleshed out more. Perhaps some backstory, additional personality, and a sense of its motivation would have been helpful. I also think you may have wanted to explore some of the crunch that describes the books abilities and powers; it is kind of left nebulous in the query.
I also did not get a sense of why the guild was so hellbent on getting the book back, other than allusions to its dark history. Why is it specifically valuable to the guild, and if it is so valuable why would they allow someone to check it out of the library? I also did not get a sense of why the guild would subcontract to the PCs, since the disappearance of a single courier is hardly dire enough for the guild to hire outsiders, at least in my mind, and especially why it would expect them to work pro bono. I think you may have needed to work on this hook some more.
I also think that your query could have benefitted from going into more detail as to what the PCs will face within the tower. Maybe spice it up with a bit more Far Realm denizens, perhaps some kaorti or a half-spawn creature as a little boss?
Also, I think the title needs work. "Overdue Library Book" is kind of mundane, and actually implied a more humorous adventure when I first read it. But that may simply be a matter of personal taste.
I hope your adventure is fun for your players. I think the PCs having a personal relationship with Vestein will really help the adventure.
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Overdue Library Book
...Regardless of the plot hook selected , the group of PCs travels to Vestein’s tower. There, the players find the tower no longer occupied, but certainly not empty. Vestein’s research enabled him to open a small gate within the tower. Bizarre from the other side took over the tower. The PCs must fight their way through the extraplanar creatures. On the top floor, the players encounter the gate; they also locate the book, though several pages are missing. The players seal the gate, recover the book, and also recover Vestein’s journal...
General Information
Overdue Library Book is a generic world adventure designed for 13th level PCs. The players start in a major city before traveling a few days distance to Vestein’s tower. From there, they discover the gate and grimoire, destroy the gate, and uncover the insane wizard’s plan. Quickly, the players must travel back to the city, locate the wizard, and thwart his plan before catastrophe can strike.
I think this sounds like a promising adventure (notwithstanding the editors' reluctance to feature mad wizards). The main thing I missed from it was more description of the challenges the PCs will face, and how they might overcome them. More details on monsters (examples of creatures using the pseudonatural template), the nature of the gate and how it's sealed (and how the players could find that out), that kind of thing. It just seemed like you zipped through the most exciting part of the adventure for the players, the part that would define the experience for them (and the part that might sell it to the editors).
The intelligent book is awesome, though.
Thanks so much for the feedback! I appreciate it. I definitely think my query for "Overdue Library Book" was more solid than "The Exterminators." Hopefully, my queries continue to improve.
I actually liked this one a lot. So I asked James Sutter what lead to it's ultimate demise. He's given me permission to share his e-mail with the gang here.
Dear John,
Unfortunately, the "Dear John" letter is a bit of a necessity at this point... the less that we write, the faster we can get back to people, etc. That said, what I remember about your proposal off of the top of my head was that it just didn't stand out enough - it involved the Far Realm, which is neat, but beyond that didn't really seem to have much pulling the characters through. Given that we have some Far Realm stuff in the works at the moment already, just dropping that in there wasn't enough to sell it. Plus the ending where the characters fight their way to the top of the tower just to have to run off and somehow locate the wizard in the city seemed anticlimactic. In general, while we look for a cool main idea in submissions, the secondary ideas and subplots are often what sell us - proof that an author can weave a tangled web and then resolve it all. It's also frequently those undercurrents, the little threads and memorable NPCs, that pull PCs through an adventure.
Hope that helps, and good luck!-James
So there ya go. I'll certainly try again - I have some ideas that might have formed enough in my mind that I can hammer out a proposal or two in the near future. *shrug*
Great thread!
I’m anxiously awaiting my first rejection (at least my first rejection under the Mona administration – it’s been a long time since I submitted to Dungeon). In the meantime, here’s my 2c (currently valued at one-twentieth of an expert’s 2c):
“Face the Music”...
I don’t know. This sounded like a fun adventure to me. I’d run it.
I particularly like how you describe it from the PCs perspective throughout. You only tell us the backstory we need to know plus you slip it in casually as the PCs discover it.
Tolerance for goofy. Tim and drunken_nomad mentioned this one already. I guess it is all rather subjective. I smiled at “the deaf officials ask them (loudly)”. Both times. However, my kooky-meter started to twitch at the clan of Bugbears beguiled to perform loud percussion tunes in the dead of night. (Either tell us why or don’t bring it up.) And again with the chorus of 100 deaf villagers. I suspect this was the reason for rejection.
The storyline has a few too many unforeseen setbacks for me. The PCs get the piece of music. But then they need to find a pipe organ. But then they need to fix the pipe organ. But then they have to negotiate with the duplicitous thieves’ guild. There’s a lot of one step forward, one step back. I’d consider cutting the thieves’ guild encounter.
It’s rather linear which is ok in itself. But there’s also big a lull in the action in the middle, where the PCs deal with the thieves’ guild, persuade the maestro to train the deaf singers, and finally perform the piece. I suspect that the method actors, the storytellers, and the PC bard are having a great time, but the party’s buttkickers are wondering, “Why do we have to sing this song again?” Again, cutting the thieves’ guild encounter may help.
I'd like to see more about the rewards and see a summary of foes.
Style. I found it compelling to read, and you write clearly. If forced to find fault, I’d say it’s maybe a little wordy in places. I’d cut a few clauses or make them separate sentences. I’d also try to cut some of the adjectives in favor of stronger verbs. I struggle with this myself, so take these suggestions with a grain of salt:
E.g. “The PCs enter a peaceful town nestled on the edge of a number of ruins, consisting of multiple buildings that dot the landscape.”
Does the “consisting” clause refer to the ruins or town? If it’s the ruins, do we need both ‘number of’ and ‘multiple’? ‘Dot the landscape’ is borderline cliché.
Maybe: “The PCs enter a peaceful town nestled on the edge of a few scattered ruins.”
E.g. “If that weren’t enough, they must also create a chorus of 100 of the deaf villagers, a grueling task only possible through the convincing of the reluctant Maestro Frederic de Plansey, who wants nothing more than to leave the area and never look back.”
This sentence runs on too much for me. Is ‘reluctant’ necessary if we also know that he ‘wants nothing more than to leave the area and never look back’? “Leave… and never look back” is borderline cliché.
Maybe: “If that weren’t enough, they must also create a chorus of 100 deaf villagers, a grueling task. The PCs need to convince the reluctant Maestro Frederic de Plansey to aid them.”
Finally, I'd change a few of the passive voice uses to active: maybe ‘has been laid’, ‘is played’ and ‘is estimated’, although I’d probably leave ‘is rumored’ and ‘is lifted’.
In general, you have a great story Chris and I’d encourage you to resubmit it.
Some nitpicky grammar semantics (I know, I know, but where else can you discuss grammar?):
1. A quick question about passive voice. I was taught that passive voice consisted of a form of a "to be" verb followed by a past participle.
Focus on whether the subject acts or is acted upon.
These are both what I mean by 'passive voice' too.
I think you’ve created a deranged mage here that would pass the editors “no deranged wizards as villains” test, but you’re describing her in passive voice. You fix this later in the paragraph, but I think your frequent use of passive voice probably hurt you in the submissions process. We all do this, and it’s sometimes hard to notice, part of why a good proof-reader before submission is a must. I’d make the description a bit more concise, but it’s good.
Matrissa is a kind and charming host when the PC’s approach her but behind the pleasant exterior and a secret door or two, she hides a dark secret in the depths beneath her richly appointed manor. This dark beauty is a powerful, and evilly deranged, mage who captures and imprisons the beautiful and visually interesting so they may serve as “models” for her works of art. Matrissa keeps her prisoners locked away in a well-secluded dungeon, right next to a private "menagerie" where she keeps various unusual monsters, including a Shockingly Black Cockatrice.
Personally, I wouldn't classify any of Jenni's sentences here as passive voice. To me, the issue here is overuse of 'to be' as the main verb. I.e. not enough action verbs.
The doctor healed the patient (active voice)
The patient was healed (passive voice: "to be" with past participle)
The patient was an engineer (linking verb: "to be" with complement)
I understand that some people try to get rid of all forms of 'to be' from their writing. That solves both the passive voice issue and the issue above. However, just like passive voice, I do think there's still a right place for using 'to be'.
Semantics aside, it comes down the same thing: using verbs that describe action can inject more life. I strongly suspect that the Word grammar checker won't warn about passive voice in the case of "to be" as the main verb.
“Face the Music”...I don’t know. This sounded like a fun adventure to me. I’d run it.
I particularly like how you describe it from the PCs perspective throughout. You only tell us the backstory we need to know plus you slip it in casually as the PCs discover it.
Thanks for taking the time to look it over. It was my first, so it has a special place in my heart. *sniff* I appreciate all the grammer and proofing tips especially. I've gotten better since then, but I could still use alot of improvement.
For my current queries, I write from the PC's perspective exclusively now. I spent a few months experimenting with an adventure background synopsis that took up between 40-50% of the proposal, followed by a sumamry of PC actions, but it wasn't working well.
Of the 17 original queries that have been exposed to a Paizo writer's meeting since April of 2005, I've had 4 greenlights, giving me a 23% sucess rate.
However, I am 4/11 for 36% when the format for the query is completely from the PC's perspective from beginning to end.
I am 0/7 when nearly half the query begins with a background/adventure synopsis.
To me, this is telling. It lets me know that the format of information presentation is making a difference. The next writer's meeting will be the first one where every query I submitted is from the PC's persepcive from beginning to end. It's also the first meeting where I've focused nearly half of my queries on a specific niche that I haven't seen in the magazine yet, namely, mid-level, non-city Eberron proposals (this practically guarantees some rejections, but ups the chances for a single sucess - I hope!).
Regardless of the level of past sucess, I definitely think that writing from the PC's persepctive helps to better flesh out the basic happenings of the adventure, and also lets me know when the backstory gets too heavy.
Thanks again! I may give "Face the Music" another shot someday. . . when I have an explaination for giving the PCs deafness that can't be fixd by a remove curse. *cringe* And that chorus (thanks Drunk Guy and Tim, for you feedback too!).
I wonder how hot blood reacts when it splatters onto a sheet of ice? Does it steam? Does it freeze? I feel like I need to know.Its the later, as anyone whose ever played hockey can tell you.
Cool. I've nver had my blood spilled on an ice rink before. I heard that it can bounce, too. I was also wondering if the amount of blood was a factor. For instance, cutting your forehead on a hockey skate vs. . . let's say, cutting a manticore's jugular.
Would the whole spray freeze as it hits? Gross.
*EDIT* Oh yeah, I wanna critique your query too, Tim. Coming soon (though I admit that a 5 times published author is a bit intimidating - well, frankly, so is the proposal you posted here. . . argh). :)
Like Zherog, I got a rejection on an adventure query that was submitted after the August meeting. It was from November, so it looks like they are really making progress on the submission pile. I may post it on here later today.
*Edit* In my post above, instead of 4/17 I meant to say 4/18. I just took a look at them again. I miscounted one that got resumbitted and re-rejected.
As you can imagine, the stat blocks are quite a challenge for me. :)
GGG-
I loved your proposal, I think you're probably spot on about Clockwork Fortress being the reason they declined it. Hopefully they'll accept a requery on it in the future.Speaking of which... any staffers out there have advice for us printwhores about how many years we should wait before requerying an adventure concept (after reworking it of course)?
Oddly enough I also had a "clockwork fortress" idea for an adventure that was green lit and submitted a while ago. If and when you ever see the adventure you will probably say to yourself "Boy, this would have been even cooler had the fortress been made of clockwork gears." Well it was going to be....
As far as resubmits go, I've read (I believe it was Mr. Jacobs on one of these threads) that 'never' is the prescribed amount of time unless they say otherwise.
GGG
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Would the whole spray freeze as it hits? Gross.
*EDIT* Oh yeah, I wanna critique your query too, Tim. Coming soon (though I admit that a 5 times published author is a bit intimidating - well, frankly, so is the proposal you posted here. . . argh). :)
I'd imagine, the blood hitting the ice first would freeze, the upper stuff would splash a little and become slushy first and then freeze as it spread out.
As for feeling intimidated, you have nothing to fear from me... I'm not Greg Vaughn. :)
Now ya’ll can rip me. Here’s my latest bomb. . .
Okay!
I, unpublished adventure wannabee #47, third from the left and recognized only by my mother, am about to critique 5-time-adventure-published-in-Dungeon Tim Hitchcock. Take this with a grain of salt (or a whole shaker):
1. The plot, setting, and characters are inventive and cool. I liked it, I want to see it in Dungeon, and I'll most likely steal this idea for my own game anyway. That being said, if I were to run this right now, I'd have to make up most of what the PCs actually do. If you have more linear details about the adventure itself, such as a couple encoutner ideas, hazards, and traps, that would be a good way to point me in the right direction.
2. Is there any way you can work the Kaorti in as a source of the poison gas to begin with? That would be cool. I'd love to know their motives behind it.
3. Maybe this is a higher level adventure. . . where the PCs have some choices for survival in the posioned areas. Relying on mundane equipment for pure survival seems hard for D&D. Can these mundane items be broken, do they inhibit spellcasting, etc?
Well, that's it. . . not much else for me to say. :) I think it could have been greenlit, and I'm not just saying that because you are Tim Hitchcock, five-time-etc. Truly unique. I look forward to seeing number #6 at some future point.
I hope that's helpful to you.
Dungeon Proposal:
PERFECTION
Nirvana Comes a Moment Too Soon“Perfection” starts out sorta funny, but quickly spins into realms of horror tinged with black humor. It is a D&D adventure for 9th-level characters. It will require about 10,000 words and maps for a small set of catacombs, an overhead map of a town, interior maps for a few choice buildings where encounters occur and an strange inverted ziggurat.
This sounds like alot of fun! Another good query idea, and nstead of a bunch of numbered points, IMHHHO, I really only have one for you:
1. More detail - The adventure and tone is there, but there's no connecting thread that links the PCs to all the encoutners. Plus, how do the PCs win? Do they force the door closed in a brutal fight, present a rose to the Foreman and ask her to stop, or just battle their way through the ziggarat until every foe is dead? Speaking of that cool ziggerat teaser, what's that about? What are the conditions, creatures, etc. like inside of it?
Anyway, that's it. I think this query serves as the perfect hook that would want me to request more information. I could go on and on with points about details and provide a series of unsolicited examples, but I already know that you are a idea machine. I'd say that when your writing queries, just show off your talents with a few extra PC-action centered details.
That's it. I hope it's helpful.
- Chris
Hey, I'm currently waiting for a response so I might as well poll the community for constructive feedback...
Hey guys, while I think this thread is a terrific idea, and there has been some great feedback posted so far, I do have a request.
While its ok to post queries that have been rejected, or queries that have been accepted and the resulting adventure published, please do not post queries that are still pending, either because you have not heard back on the original query, or because you are currently writing the adventure, or for whatever reason.
For obvious reasons, we would like to keep any material we might potentially use off our public forums.
Thanks everyone, and keep up the great feedback!
Sorry, Jeremy... deleted my post. I'm just chomping at the bit I guess.