Description:
This silver hip flask inlaid with moonstones holds up to 12 ounces of any liquid, keeping it fresh as long as the flask is kept sealed with its crystal stopper. If it has space left in it (measured in ounces), three times a day, with a command word and a successful Touch attack using the open flask, it can drain 1 minute of memory from the victim per ounce (no Will save allowed, victim is dazed for one round). During that round, the flask’s wielder makes a DC 18 Spellcraft check to determine which (and how many) of the victim’s memories to siphon away. (Otherwise, or if the check fails, the memory lost is the present, up to the remaining capacity of the flask.)
Once removed, the victim’s recollection of that memory is utterly erased and forgotten, unless the memory is again imbibed from the flask. Anyone who drinks a memory will recall it with perfect clarity, even if it belongs to someone else, and anyone except the flask’s wielder must make a Will save at DC 17 to avoid believing the implanted memory actually happened to him. (If this save succeeds, the imbiber can vaguely recall the memory, as if it were a daydream, but doesn't believe it's real.) Once full of memories, the flask cannot steal any more until those within have been imbibed by someone (they cannot simply be poured out). Memories manifest as an insubstantial, iridescent liquid, and float on top of any other liquid in the flask (and are therefore drunk first).
Construction
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, modify memory. Cost: 18,360 gp.
(I didn't include the following in my official submission- just FYI.) Total Word Count: 286.
Construction Cost Calculation: 4th level spell (modify memory) x 10th caster level x 1800 (command word) = 72,000 / (5/ charges per day: 3 = 1.66666) = 43,200 x .85 (touch attack discount) = 36,720 gp.
Backstory has never impressed me inside item descriptions. With artifacts, epic level items, yeah, it can manage to work, but honestly, I prefer a home-brew campaign anyway, and what GM, working on their own campaign, is gonna want some other world's backstory in their world's version of the item?!
GMs like this want items as "generic" as possible, so they can weave their own backstory around the item. (I include a whole section on "legend and lore" in my notes on most magic items. This includes what's publically known and what levels of Knowledge skills are required to "know" a particular detail about the item.) I always assumed that making backstory was each GM's perogative, not the designer's! 1st Ed and Gygax got away with it, but ONLY because he was writing the world's first roleplaying game, and he only had his own campaign to draw upon! (Plus TSR was pushing Greyhawk as THE campaign setting!)
Today, hopeful designers should take heed- listen to the judges, read the message threads, because it's all here waiting for you. Every thing you need to know to deliver a well-written wondrous item is right here. You need only supply the creativity and the initiative. Best of luck to everyone!
Although I have yet to see the latest version, I really appreciate the one you sent me, GreyMagus. The only two problems I had with the form-filling version are that the text is often very small and thus hard to read, and the "kerning" of your font (or more properly, your typeface) tends to "squeeze" the letters too close together, so that, under Alignment, for example, CN looks more like a dipthong, O combined with N. If you can adjust the kerning a bit wider, you'll probably solve that problem!
Other comments: I have no problem with the gray-scale. No color is good, and while some might have a beef with all the gray costing them more ink, especially if they print out loads of sheets, I don't see that as really irksome. Save this sheet for your PCs, or important NPCs, and print out plain page versions of the minor NPCs.
While I certainly understand how difficult it would be to create a sheet suitable for all multiclass characters, there are a few things that you could do to make this sheet a bit more multiclass-friendly: instead of the single block for "Class(es), followed by "level", you could make the first block labeled Class(es), Level(s), followed by a block for Character (ie. total) Level. Then the sheet would read: Class(es): Barbarian 5th, Ranger 8th. Character Level: 13th
Overall, this sheet is very professional indeed. Thanks for giving it to us, and for all your hard work!
Let me know what you all think- I know it's nothing special, but I like it. Feel free to use it in your own campaigns. I'm currently running a Pathfinder "homebrew" campaign with 2 PCs at 6th and 4th level (a druid and a ranger).
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Dhrakar (plural: dhrakara)
Challenge Rating: CR 4
XP: 900
NE Large undead beast (augmented animal)
Init +3 Senses darkvision, lowlight vision, scent; Perception +9
Defense
AC 15, touch 13, flat-footed 12 (+3 Dex, +2 natural armor [tough hides])
hp 30 (4d10+3)
Fort +4, Ref +6, Will +2
Offense
Speed 15 ft. (on the ground, they are clumsy), fly 60ft. (good)
Melee bite +8 melee (1d8 damage plus grapple and blood drain), wing claws +4 (1d4+2)
Space 10 ft.; Reach 10 ft.
Special Attacks rake (2 talons +5, 1d6+4), blood drain, grapple, deathly lullabye.
Attacks Per Round: On the ground, or grappling- 3 (1 bite, and 2 wing claws at +8, +4, +4 respectively).
In the air- 2 rake attacks, +5 each.
Statistics
Str 15 (+2), Dex 16 (+3), Con -, Int 6, Wis 10, Cha 8
Base Atk +4; CMB +7 (+10 grapple); CMD 19
Feats Flyby Attack, Wingover
Skills Perception +9, Stealth +11
Languages- none but can mimic certain humanoid sounds (baby crying, shouts for help, etc)
Ecology
Environment any
Organization solitary, pair or flock (1d6)
Knowledge: Arcana, DC 15 to learn the following information. Knowledge: Undead, DC 10 (more specialized, thus easier).
Large winged reptiles (pteranodons, etc.) converted to undead by fiendish magic, the dhrakara are vicious aerial predators. Like giant vampire bats, they use their excellent senses to swoop down upon resting prey. Their deathly lullabye ability allows them to paralyze any resisting prey with a full-round action of crooning. A character failing a Will save at DC 14 is paralyzed for 1d4+1 rounds. Once paralyzed, the dhrakar grapples its prey in a deadly embrace, biting and sucking blood for 1d8+2 damage per round. This blood meal either heals the dhrakara for the same amount or grants it 4 temporary hit points for 10 minutes per round of feasting.
Often, they employ the tactic of crooning while flying out of reach, and when sufficent victims have succumbed (one for each dhrakar), they land and grapple the prey. Dhrakara are not much troubled by sunlight, though since their Perception bonus drops to +3 during daylight hours, they prefer to hunt at night or on dismal, cloudy days. If encountered during the day, they are most often under the command of some necromancer.
At night, or in very dim light, fog, or other conditions where vision is hampered, a dhrakar upright on the ground can be mistaken for a tall, cloaked humanoid (Perception checks at DC 20 to correctly identify the creature). A dhrakar is the equivalent of a ghast (since it can fly and paralyze), requiring at least a 12th level caster using the spell create undead to animate. Their deathly lullabye is potent enough to affect elves, like a ghast.
I made a mistake in my last post here- I feel stupid, but because I didn't have my rulebook handy, I trusted to memory... and my memory was faulty. It's not 8th level casters that have a +7 Will save, it's 10th levels. 8th level casters have only a +6 Will save bonus. That still means they'll make the DC 16 save most of the time. But I feel really sheepish for not double-checking the rules- makes me look very unprofessional. My apologies. I'll do better.
First off, I want to thank Neil and the rest of the judges for all the incredible advice and criticism they're giving the board. This is an amazing opportunity to learn better game-writing skills, and I really appreciate it. It does make me consider why they seem particularly concerned about "making more work for the GM"- with all the labor they're spending on the boards, they must have precious little time left for game preparation! Certainly, the kind of "deep immersal" role-playing that my lil gang of gamers are into requires a lot more GM prep AND decisions during game. That might be one reason why my stump dust isn't quite what they're looking for.
Of course, it may be that I'm just not a good enough writer (yet)! I will continue to practice and learn this craft, and hopefully, next year, the judges will be more impressed. I already have a number of alternate items I did not submit to the board, and I believe one in particular has enough "mojo" for the next RPGSuperstar contest.
I now attempt to address some of your issues with my item.
Description:
This heavy ochre dust is harvested from the rotting stumps of ancient, magical trees. One handful of stump dust will cover a 10x10 square foot area (sprayed or sprinkled), and if carefully sprinkled, it lasts one hour (though weather can remove it early at GM discretion). During that time, with a failed DC 20 Will save, anyone crossing the dust becomes completely uncertain whether or not he’s on the right path. Even if there is no choice of direction (the dust covers an area without any alternative routes), there is a 50% chance of the victims simply deciding to turn back.
When sprinkled at intersections with multiple choices of route, the dust’s enchantment will force its victim to randomly choose a direction, no matter how familiar the way (his own home), or how urgent the need (chasing a just-fled rogue). Multiple victims can be sent in multiple wrong directions. If the dust is inhaled directly, the Will save DC increases to 25, and the victim becomes blissfully befuddled, unable to make up his mind about any decision for one hour, having a 50% chance per decision of making a wrong choice. Additionally, the victim has a -1 penalty to all skill and ability checks. He can, however, defend himself normally. Unfortunately, stump dust does not make a very effective “inhaled poison” because it settles to the ground within one round after spraying. If anyone inhales it (and fails his Will save) during that one round, its power is exhausted, and the ground below is not enchanted.
Construction
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, Profession: herbalism (4 ranks), or Knowledge: nature (7 ranks), confusion, misdirection.Cost: 800 gp per use.
My replies to your comments:
Spoiler:
Quote:
*...Meh. Seems to make adventuring easier. Also, how long does the effect last? If I go off down the wrong fork in the road, when do I figure it out?
When enough clues from the environment allow you a second save; say you came to the wrong village. The second save is sort of a standard in gaming when it's difficult to have a mind-effect go on endlessly. (This is an unwritten rule in our local gaming group. However, the item as written has already almost maxed out the 300 word limit.) Guards and wards is not the only mind-affecting spell without a definable expiration. All of this requires lots of GM decision-making. And isn't the very point of magic items to make adventuring easier?
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*...is the "inhaled" power too powerful? Will vote with the majority.
It's an 8th caster level item. I look at what an 8th level caster has as a Will save bonus, and see it averages +7. 20 die roll +7 makes hitting DC20 hardly a long-shot. Hitting DC25 is more difficult, but then again, the inhaled version is meant to be much more potent an effect. And the dust was developed for rogues to use against powerful mages and clerics, as well as confounding pursuit.
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*...This item actually works on the same principal as a portion of the guards and wards spell (which I would have preferred to see in the construction requirements of this thing. It too doesn't indicate how long the confusion about the "wrong way" vs. "right way" lasts. So, the designer is following in suit.
I don't know if saying this will do more harm than good... but I never even considered that. I was going for a lower cost/lower level item, and with guards and wards being 6th level, it was a bit higher for a base spell than I wanted. Certainly, the cost would have been much more- and you wouldn't get the "whole" use of that spell. If my item only does one small part of what a high level spell does, why should I use it as my basis for the item? (Honestly, I feel that, had I done just that, I should have been penalized for not "utilizing" the majority of guards and wards.)
Quote:
*...I think, overall, the descriptive text is a little confusing on its own...or maybe just not evocative enough. I don't particularly care for the pun in the name. Ground up "dust" from a "stump" is meant to "stump" people who come across it by making them lose direction. I get it. I'm just not sure I appreciate the inside joke elements of the name that much. Still, what else were they going to call it? The dust of confounding?
The "inside joke" thing must come across as more deliberate than it was intended. I was hardly rolling on the floor with amusement when I decided to name it that. It's a very weak element of my item. I sort of based it on the real world pagan item called "goofer dust" but I didn't want to actually call my item by that name- getting a reject for using real-world items, and that name sounds kinda silly and doesn't quite fit my concept. And obviously, you perceive my dilemma, as the long list of rejected "cheesy fantasy game names" contains names hardly less silly than "stump dust." At least, I think my name shows originality and some thought.
Quote:
*...I also think the DC of the Will save is too high. A 4th level spell like confusion should typically be a DC 16 or so. And I think that would fit better for the price range selected for this item. I don't like the different DC for inhaling it. They really should have just stopped with the "crossing the path of the dust" as the activation and left it at that.
So you think adding the second effect was a waste of time? I tried so hard to roll something extra, but very applicable, into this item. I actually imagined I had achieved something pretty decent... sigh.
Will save DCs... I really can't believe that die 20 + 7 would ever, ever have much trouble hitting a DC16. The average of a die 20 is well, 10. If you're an 8th level caster, you've got a +7 Will save bonus. 10+7 =17- ergo, few casters (of the creator's level) will succumb to stump dust's effect (on average). (Of course, you have a 1 in 20 chance of making it without any bonus at all!) As I like items to continue to be effective for a long range of levels, I made the DC higher.
Quote:
*...I think the price might be off, as well. This item should probably cost more. But, it appears to be a one-shot item. It's priced per use. So I'm not sure. A one-shot scroll of confusion would be 700 gp. Or, more believably for me, a one-shot scroll of guards and wards would run 1,675 gp. So maybe it's more appropriate after all?
Then, why do you think the price is off? Please consider that a one-shot scroll of guards and wards does a heck of a lot more than my dust, so it certainly should cost more!
Quote:
*...Regardless, I think it's over-written in some parts and too open-ended in others. For instance, if they inhale it and have a 50% chance of making the wrong choice in any decision, that's left to GM fiat as to what the "wrong" choice would be.
True. That situation does indeed make a lot of work for the GM. I didn't consider that the second effect would come into play very often, though, so maybe it's not that much work after all. Particularly, if the PCs are using it against some NPC, in which case everything involved is "left to GM fiat" anyway!
Quote:
*...I don't know. Lots of hand-wringing with this one. At best, I'm a weak Keep. But I have a real feeling this won't make the Top 32.
Well, I have to say that I'm happy to hear that someone among the judges felt it was a "weak keep" rather than an outright reject! I'd like to know if stump dust is well-written enough to be used in an Wondrous Items compendium- and exactly how you think I should re-write it to be more attractive.
Quote:
*...Lots of this item's execution is left up to the GM, such as the right/wrong choice for inhaling it and whether the dust even sticks around after being applied.
The inclement weather option was written into the item for realism. I found it hard to believe that a rainstorm or strong winds would not be able to wash away/blow away the dust, and if the dust was removed, it could hardly affect the next traveler to cross the area. A lot of GMs use random weather (not much extra work to roll a die and consult a chart) and while this would hardly come into play very often, I wanted it to be clear that the dust wasn't immune to weather (or a smart character with a gust of wind spell).
Quote:
*...The contestant also really butchered the template and style as exhibited in published material.
Now that comment hurts! I used the template provided on this very website, complete with html markup codes. I did notice that I had inserted colons after my submission, but that's proper English grammar. If that's what was meant by butchering, please just say and I'll remove them.
Quote:
*...Vote to Reject.
*...More of a plot device than an item. If the PCs use this, I don't see a GM really deciding what the pursuing monsters do, the GM would just delay them for a while. And misdirecting effects like this are hard to do when everyone can see the map on the tabletop. I want to put this in the "encourages metagaming" category, except it's like double-reverse-metagaming... if the GM draws the map on the tabletop and this is in effect, he's going to have to draw a fake map so the PCs don't realize they're not following the right path.
"Double-reverse metagaming?!" I should be given credit for creating a new concept in bad gaming techniques, if nothing else! ;-) Seriously though, isn't almost everything the GM does a form of that? And what's so much harder about drawing a false map? If you're drawing one anyway... just change something vital for the PCs. (Not that most uses of the dust would require maps... I hardly map out everything for my PCs. If their characters want a map, let them draw it "in-game," assuming they are proficient at Craft: cartography.)
As an aside, I define "metagaming" as players sharing knowledge that their characters could not share in-play, using real-world concepts and knowledge that their characters don't possess, etc. I don't consider much of what the GM does to be metagaming, as he or she is in charge of everything in the world but the PCs.
Quote:
*...Basically, makes too much work for the GM.
Oh dear... I'll do my very best next year to make an item with uber-mojo- yet somehow requires no more effort from the GM than a "Your item activates and works properly."
Quote:
*...So does the guards and wards spell and it uses the same mechanic, though. I still think it's fair game to implement a wondrous item around it. This design just needs stronger mojo to help override the fact it'll introduce more work on the GM's part if brought into a game. I think this one comes close to doing that...as I could easily see it as a fey item...or an item designed to confuse or ward off the fey. Or maybe a group of reclusive elves. It's not just a getaway item for bandits.
I'm very glad you perceive more than one use for my item. You see where I'm going with it. It was intended for hedge witches, druids and other outdoorsy, herbalist-type characters to use on medium high level (8th-12th) characters, and in cahoots with rogues and possibly bards and rangers, in targeted attacks upon characters with a high Will save. (I was thrilled to see Nick Bolhuis' Assassin's Rose make the Top 32, because of the wonderfully wicked schemes I, as a GM, could engineer using both my stump dust and his rose. And his archetype made the Top 16! Congrats, Nick! Best of luck in Round 3!)
Quote:
*...I think there's some mojo behind the idea. Regardless, the execution just isn't there. I agree on the decision to ultimately Reject. Just not strong enough.
I'll do my utmost to bring more "execution' to my item next year. I was intrigued that no one noted the few flaws I personally saw after submitting, such as my omission of defining "carefully sprinkling" the dust as a full-round action, or that it uses a "randomizing" factor in its mechanics. (I had been so afraid it would get an auto-reject just for that alone!)
Thank you all for the comments, and I'm glad to hear that my stump dust had some merit as a first attempt at RPGSuperstar. Thanks again for the incredible amount of work you have all put into this contest and the Pathfinder boards. Your advice is invaluable- and much appreciated.
Your lantern (slightly modified) just became the focus of of my new campaign! My compliments and sincere thanks. I was invited late Thursday to guest GM today for friends who don't get much opportunity to game, and who had never played Pathfinder before (though they had played 3.5). I only had a single day to invent a scenario (I prefer my own to modules), so I whipped an omen and a quest to stop a vampire lord's minions from getting this Lantern to their lord's sanctum, where he planned to destroy it forever. Though I altered the mechanics, I gave you full credit for the concept, even writing you into my game as Saint Artus the Pious, creator of the Lantern!
Needless to say, all involved enjoyed themselves, and we plan on continuing that campaign in two weeks.
Thanks again, and best of luck in the next round... can't wait to see the archetype you've created!
Very little in my favorite campaign (as a player) was totally random. GMs that run games totally by "the numbers" from volumes of percentile charts are generally missing the point. A GM needs to find a nice balance to keep his players happy and coming back to his game table. That campaign was fairly low-magic in a bronze age/early "roman" setting. Imagine if the Celts were (decayed back to savagery) elves and the "romans" were upstart humans, with an evil god plotting his revenge against his fellow pantheon behind it all. There was few magic items available to we PCs, but little did we care, as the game's story was superb. There was never any problems getting rid of unwanted magic items- in a low magic world, assuming you don't want it, there will always be someone who does. Good connections with the local hierarchy of clerics/wizards/druids/guilds is one way to get items both properly identified and sold, if needed.
Wow, Mikael! That's not only a nifty amulet, it's almost exactly where I was going with my new metamagic feat, Reverse Spell. (An attempt to bring back the old idea of reversible spells from 1st-2nd ed.) I'm assuming the effect is continuous, always on? (Aka unlimited uses/day?) I'll have to price it to double-check your figures.
Seems like the effect would be closer to evocation than abjuration, but that's a minor quibble. And maybe moderate would be better than faint.
Great work with both concept and mechanics! *wanders over to the judges' thread*
I have to say I am overwhelmed by the dedication and thoughtfulness the judges (and others) have shown. Just reading these threads has helped me improve my game writing skills. Thanks doesn't begin to cover it. Awesome doesn't begin to cover it. Paizo is the real winner here- in the sense that they have certainly won my loyalty and respect. Congratulations, all of you!
And I _quite_ appreciate it! Thank you for your thoughtful review.
Quote:
This heavy ochre dust is harvested from the rotting stumps of ancient, magical trees.
I think this pun is taking it a bit too far - the only reason you're telling us this, and that you've decided on this particular detail, is to enable the pun. For shame, Keith - for shame.
Actually, though I would not deny the pun was there- the idea here was to make it more do-able by druids, herbalists, and witches. (See the requirements.) The genesis of the item is the real-world wiccan/pagan item called "goofer dust" said to throw metaphysical monkey wrenches in your opponents' way.
Quote:
I really like this effect. It's cool. It sounds entirely doable, and yet very amusing. ("Where did that mad monk wind up?" "Well, let's see - (dice roll) - whoops, he's running through the kitchens again.") That's really nice - it's roguish and rascally, i.e. nice flavor, and extremely useful (in certain, specific situations).
Glad you like it- and especially that you don't seem to have a problem with the "random factor"- I was really afraid that it crossed the line with the Random auto-reject rule.
Quote:
I'm not much good with ranges - is 10x10 enough to sprinkle around an entire intersection? Do I need to cover the whole intersection, or just somewhere in the vicinity of one, and if he passes through he considers all available exits? The short range makes me think some delicate fine-tuning to figure out how this really works if you only sprinkle some of an intersection, and how close to which of its exits you need to be...
10x10 is 100 square feet (two squares in Pathfinder). It's not a huge area, but it's definitely not small. Consider that most dungeon corridors are only 5 feet wide, and that's wider than most modern homes' hallway width (typically four feet). (And there's nothing in my text to suggest that you're restricted to ONLY 10x10- the area is shapeable, as long as the victim steps with both feet into the dusted area, he has to make the Will save!)
I believe you're over thinking this- the item's purpose is NOT to cover the entire intersection (you're not enchanting the intersection itself), rather you're laying a magical trap for whoever happens to step inside the area of the dust.
Quote:
Multiple victims can be sent in multiple wrong directions.
Good attention to detail! That's important, and wouldn't have been clear without this line.
Thanks! That indeed was something I saw I needed to address in my later drafts (would you believe this went through about 4 major drafts- and I still see a couple things I'd add?! See the reply I made to Mikael under a spoiler above.)
Quote:
It's not clear whether the Will DC rises for finding your way in the corridors ("the Will save DC increases"), or for becoming befuddled in the first place.
"Any decision" is very vague. Is breathing a decision? Can he eat lunch, or can he not decide between the fork and the spoon? I think this lack-of-definition trips you up somewhat.
Consider using the Confused state, or at least looking at some appropriate states and seeing what they address to define confusion and random choice-making.
I'm sorry it's not clear to you (it is clear to me, of course). This shows me I need to improve the articulation of my writing skills before next year's contest. To be as clear as possible, there's only going be one Will save per victim needed, the DC is only different depending on how the dust enters the victim: i.e. walks over it = DC 20; inhaled directly = DC 25. NO further saves needed after that!
Is breathing a decision? hah! Only if you're committing suicide by drowning! Maybe a bit of additional wording making it clear that it's only decisions that a person would normally have to put some thought into, not simple decisions like eating salad or turkey for lunch, or using a fork or a spoon.
This function was intended more for the more devious thief or even spy/assassin (whose job, contrary to popular conception, is NOT always to simply kill their victim, rather it's to neutralize their effectiveness, or to throw them off in some subtle way. The history of the CIA is particularly enlightening in this regard...!) who needs to bamboozle some high level character, particularly those with a high Will save bonus.
Oh, I did indeed read over (agonize over is more accurate) the confused state. To be blunt, I hate it. Only four options, and one is act normally. The last two are what I definitely did NOT want for this more subtle magic item. Become a crazed masochist, or a crazed sadist- nope, uh-uh, not for me, not my PCs, not ever. I should totally re-write the confused state (and spell) for my campaign. I just pulled out my old 1st ed PHB- and this spell/state is one that's almost exactly imported (down through the ages!) from it. Enough said... it's long overdue for an upgrade!
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Unfortunately, stump dust does not make a very effective “inhaled poison” because it settles to the ground within one round after spraying. If anyone inhales it (and fails his Will save) during that one round, its power is exhausted, and the ground below is not enchanted.
This paragraph is a bit confusing. At first, I was reading the second sentence as an explanation of the first - I read "effective" as addressing the strength/potency of the effects, and couldn't understand why it matters when the dust settles if I've already inhaled it. In addition, it feels broken for the ground to be enchanted if the target makes his will save, and otherwise it isn't. He's not going to suck up a whole dust cloud; either it reaches the ground still powered-up or it doesn't. It certainly shouldn't make a difference to the dust whether it reaches the ground after being inhaled + successful Will save, or after being inhaled + failed Will save.
I guess I definitely need to re-write that paragraph... I see that it seems a victim would have to make two saves in a sprayed-as-a-direct-attack situation: one if he happened to inhale it (which is not a given; if he saw it coming, he could hold his breath), and a second (at the lower DC) for walking out of the area over the dust. Maybe some GMs would like that extra chance of bamboozling characters (certainly PCs wouldn't mind it against opponents!), but it needs to be made clear, one way or another.
And as I said to Mikael, I need to add that "carefully sprinkling" the dust is certainly a full round action.
Thanks, Mikael! My comments are under a spoiler below to save space on the thread.
Spoiler:
Mikael Sebag wrote:
-I really like this item and I'm saddened that it didn't make it into the Top 32. Some thoughts:
-I think the duration for its ground use may be too short to really be effective.
Also, leaving the GM out of it and just saying something along the lines of "wind and inclement weather can disturb the dust" would have gotten the job done without "making GMing harder" (one of the auto-reject rules).
-For a wondrous item the Will save DC is really high, considering it's price, but it's such a great effect that I almost want it to always work . . . almost.
-The difference between spraying and sprinkling the dust onto the ground is confusing, especially since you can also have someone inhale it directly.
The design looks like it needs some focus to really bring it all together, but otherwise it's a great idea with a great name and a really fun set of effects.
First off, thank you for taking the time to review my item, it's much appreciated! Now let me address your concerns in detail:
The duration- one hour seemed plenty long enough to me, considering I intended its main use to be for people trying to throw off hot pursuit, as in a thief escaping from a just burgled merchant. When I played my Robin Hood-esque Ranger, I was always covering the party's tracks. That took a while, and theoretically lasts indefinitely. This was a quicker magical way of doing the same thing. Also, I see now that I should have squeezed in that "carefully sprinkling" the dust requires one whole round to do.
The GM call- yes, you're right, and it's something I should avoid considering the auto-reject rules (I was more worried about the auto-reject on random effect items, though). However, I didn't have room to say much more and I think random weather patterns are going to need a GM's adjudication anyway ;-) ... also, someone aware of the dust might wish to use gust of wind or some similar spell to disperse the dust. Which would work to my mind, nothing holds the dust to the ground magically, nor does the effect transmute the ground, etc.
The Will save DC- high yes indeed. I hate magic items that high level characters just laugh off. I want items to stay useful as long as possible. The dust was mainly intended to help thieves rob wizards and the like, so I wanted as high a DC as I could get away with (pun certainly intended!). Honestly, though, look at the bonuses for Will saves for just a 8th level wizard (same as my item's CL). His base save is 6, if he has a minimal bonus to his Wisdom (say, +1), that's a +7 to his save, not including any magic buffs he may have. Add in the roll result, and he can hardly fail to hit a 20, on average. Don't forget, all natural 20s succeed automatically too.
Spraying vs. sprinkling- Dusts can be sprinkled by hand, or blown into the air via a small blow tube specially made for the purpose, or with a gust of wind spell or the like. (You definitely want to be sure it can't blow back and affect you, so spraying is surely the more dangerous of the two methods.) Inhaling it directly could happen in one of two ways- either you trick someone into snorting it (fat chance) or you spray it at them in a direct attack, which is what the last bit of my description is meant to cover (again, pun intended!). If they saw it coming they could potentially hold their breath and avoid the Will save. (Yes, this is heavy GM adjudicating again.)
Also, I'm really pleased you like the name- I was worried it was too simple, though _I_ think it fits well what the item does, without being too comical. I was trying for as generic an item as possible, rather than going for a Golarion-themed one.
I hope that clears up what I intended with my stump dust for you. Thanks so much for your kind remarks, and please, feel free to use the item, modified as you wish, in your own game.
Richard: I'm thinking he rounded down from 680 feet (the max range of a 7th caster level dimension door). But I agree, a nice even number like 500 feet works better for me too.
Very nice. With some of the mods already mentioned, I'd certainly bring it into my campaign. Congrats on making the grade, and best of luck in the next round!
Disordah: I like your scabbard of reforging quite a lot. Handy, fills a niche, helps players transform weapons they can't use. As a GM, I'd be careful how I brought it into my game, but overall, you've crafted something that isn't too game breaking.
I like that you put a lot of thought into that- considering how to limit the scabbard's power. I understood the "within one size category" limit right away. I also noted that you're going for an example of an item that comes in multiple forms. You use a medium longsword scabbard, you can only reforge weapons into medium longswords. Very good limitation. Of course, my GM is likely to only give us the scabbards for weapons we hate, like a tiny rapier version!
Mikael: good thoughts on how to improve the scabbard! I need guys like you around here to game with in person.
I was definitely of the opinion that only judges would be commenting on the items in the other thread, though obviously everyone else can post in it. And since it's six pages long already, I see no reason why we shouldn't have fun here too... therefore, again I present to you my latest creation. Enjoy.
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Description:
This heavy ochre dust is harvested from the rotting stumps of ancient, magical trees. One handful of stump dust will cover a 10x10 square foot area (sprayed or sprinkled), and if carefully sprinkled, it lasts one hour (though weather can remove it early at GM discretion). During that time, with a failed DC 20 Will save, anyone crossing the dust becomes completely uncertain whether or not he’s on the right path. Even if there is no choice of direction (the dust covers an area without any alternative routes), there is a 50% chance of the victims simply deciding to turn back.
When sprinkled at intersections with multiple choices of route, the dust’s enchantment will force its victim to randomly choose a direction, no matter how familiar the way (his own home), or how urgent the need (chasing a just-fled rogue). Multiple victims can be sent in multiple wrong directions. If the dust is inhaled directly, the Will save DC increases to 25, and the victim becomes blissfully befuddled, unable to make up his mind about any decision for one hour, having a 50% chance per decision of making a wrong choice. Additionally, the victim has a -1 penalty to all skill and ability checks. He can, however, defend himself normally. Unfortunately, stump dust does not make a very effective “inhaled poison” because it settles to the ground within one round after spraying. If anyone inhales it (and fails his Will save) during that one round, its power is exhausted, and the ground below is not enchanted.
Construction
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, Profession: herbalism (4 ranks), or Knowledge: nature (7 ranks), confusion, misdirection. Cost: 800 gp per use.
Azmahel, do you have detect thoughts, greater working? Your memory siphon is all too similar to something I _was_ hoping to submit next year!! (BTW, were you deliberately using the archaic spelling? You're also missing the second "s" in subconscious- just trying to help! *takes off the English master's mortarboard*) Not bad, overall- good thematic links between the three "syphons."
Succubus, you had me laughing my celestial ass off... if only you weren't so... evil. Paladin housepets, indeed! I can think of one paladin in particular I wouldn't mind seeing become a pet of your's, though I doubt you'd keep his annoying ass around for long. Sir Ruelin of Tarnia from my old Norithia campaign, where are you when a succubus needs you!?
Good grief! I shouldn't have waited two hours to post this! Already 5 pages of items are awaiting personal judge review... therefore, I invite anyone who wants to review this item to do so. I don't really care if you "like" it or not, is it "good" or not- my main goal here is to learn how to improve my skills for next year. Thanks in advance, friends! Note: the "official" word count from paizo's counter was 294.
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Description:
This heavy ochre dust is harvested from the rotting stumps of ancient, magical trees. One handful of stump dust will cover a 10x10 square foot area (sprayed or sprinkled), and if carefully sprinkled, it lasts one hour (though weather can remove it early at GM discretion). During that time, with a failed DC 20 Will save, anyone crossing the dust becomes completely uncertain whether or not he’s on the right path. Even if there is no choice of direction (the dust covers an area without any alternative routes), there is a 50% chance of the victims simply deciding to turn back.
When sprinkled at intersections with multiple choices of route, the dust’s enchantment will force its victim to randomly choose a direction, no matter how familiar the way (his own home), or how urgent the need (chasing a just-fled rogue). Multiple victims can be sent in multiple wrong directions. If the dust is inhaled directly, the Will save DC increases to 25, and the victim becomes blissfully befuddled, unable to make up his mind about any decision for one hour, having a 50% chance per decision of making a wrong choice. Additionally, the victim has a -1 penalty to all skill and ability checks. He can, however, defend himself normally. Unfortunately, stump dust does not make a very effective “inhaled poison” because it settles to the ground within one round after spraying. If anyone inhales it (and fails his Will save) during that one round, its power is exhausted, and the ground below is not enchanted.
Construction
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, Profession: herbalism (4 ranks), or Knowledge: nature (7 ranks), confusion, misdirection. Cost: 800 gp per use.
This is one of the items where I LOVE the concept... but I'm not so sure about the execution. Most of the problems I see have already been mentioned by someone else, so I won't repeat them, but I definitely think it's mis-named. I can it being based on beast shape I just as easily as polymorph, reducing the CL and the cost. The only animals not Medium sized on the list (which I realize is not meant to be exhaustive) are the rhino and elephant (which were included to give it more Vudran flavor, I'm guessing).
Still, this is one of the tighter written items I've seen among this year's winners. I have to admit that my English teacher background biases me towards perfect grammar. I agree with Neil that you can teach formatting, but I think editors at gaming companies shouldn't have to go into the English teaching business. If a potential entrant can't get his grammar down, and proofread out his typos, it should count against him. The wonderfulness of an wondrous item is all well and good, but if it's so poorly written as to make me have to read it six times just to understand what the writer means... well, that's a sure reject, in my opinion. You, Levi, have nothing to worry about on this score!
Best of luck in the next round! I look forward to seeing your archetype.
Excellent concept, Charles! I note some of the same problems others have pointed out (no sense reiterating them here), but overall, it's a tight item. I'd use it or something very similar (ala what Richard Hunt said) in my own campaign any day. Congrats on winning this round of the contest, and good luck in the next round!
To Daniel Gunther 346: while I would never claim you can't have an strong opinion about this item, it would be nice of you to tell us exactly why you feel so strongly opposed to the concept. My own opinion is this: it's a fantasy game, emphasis on both fantasy and game! We do it for fun. And it takes place inside the human imagination, where literally anything is possible. So why does a sorcerer bloodline before everything else in this imaginal realm have to be immutable?
One word: wow. (On so many levels.) Definitely a bold idea, great execution (other than the terrible unaffacted typo!), and loads of flavor. I agree with Jim (he and I often seem to be on the same page gaming wise) that it would make a wonderful plot device for the tortured soul PC who hates having an infernal or fiendish bloodline.
I can certainly see limited wish in the prerequisites! I'm not sure if one negative level's enough though... still, you have obviously thought long and hard about the mechanics here, Joseph. I like the hour-long suppression detriment, not too long, but not too short. Superb job overall! Definitely one of the best I've read so far.
K. Patrick, I absolutely LOVE where you're going with this one.
That's the good news. The bad news is, had I been a judge, it would have got a reject because the problems in clarity. I instantly noted what Jim said (you repeat yourself), which is an absolute no-no when writing to a word count limit.
Other than that, I agree with most of the questions others have brought up. "What is a recently slain body?" being the foremost. Be clear and give a time limit on how long a body can be dead before the acorn won't work on it. I'd also like to know how the animal spirit comes to inhabit the acorn in first place- I'd think it'd have to be willing. I do like the idea of the wizard in a pony carrying his own dead body back home! I also like the variation in durations- the animal body only lasts one day, but the gentle repose lasts a month. Good work on not overpowering the first effect!
Victor, ignore the confusion evinced by some of the judges- I understood your intentions without any problems (unlike some of the other, less well-worded, items). Obviously, an ethereal string that cuts through walls would be no use in finding your way out of a maze!
I agree with what Sean and Jim said about it, overall. It's a wonderful entry. It has a few holes, for which you should've used more of your allotted words. As for severing it, I thought being ethereal, obviously only ethereal creatures (or those capable of affecting the ethereal plane) could sever it. For that you definitely need to include a hardness, hps, and a break DC. (Unless one assumes the standards Russ mentions- which I don't, as magical items can certainly have enhanced durability.)
Victor, I really like your entry on the whole. You did a great job reinterpreting a very old idea. Many congrats on making the 32 this year!
For Steve Russell: translucent does NOT mean "glowing!" It means light dimly passes through it without it being fully transparent as glass!! Oh, and magical swords' glow can NOT be turned on and off (at least, not in the Pathfinder Core Rules!).
As for being able to hold onto an ethereal cord, if I were GM'ing this in game, I'd rule that the tiny bit of cord the character's holding remains "physical" - until he loses his grip, then it's "I hope you have an ethereal jaunt prepared" time! Or else, rewrite the description slightly to read "...remaining visible and tangible only to the holder." Oh, and monsters able to see invisible things won't be able to follow the cord to the PC feast- but monsters able to see ethereal things will, assuming they have the intellect to realize someone's at the far end! (I imagine phase spiders would figure this out, even if they don't technically have the brainpower- lines and etherealness just come naturally to them! Ooh, my devious GM hindbrain is beginning to froth with wicked plots!)
An awesome item overall. I agree that once the tree's grown, we're left a bit confused on what happens. Yes, you get a heal out of it, but then does the tree never, ever fruit again? How long does it live, once the fruit's picked? Why is it necessary for the tree to live past that picking at all? But these quibbles remove little from the pouch's awesomeness. I can't think of a wilderness traveler who'd turn down one of these.
That Old Guy, why do you despise goodberry as a spell? Your choice, but that opinion seems rather harsh.
Varthanna, you're right of course, but why do you pick on Joel's big words? If I wanted to be English major picky, I'd point out how he's missing a "the!" I'll let you spot it for yourself, but I assure you it's there. (Or, rather, not there!)
Joel, excellent work on this one. Congrats on making it to the Top 32 (again)! (Wishing I could put up a "fuming" smiley here!)
Very, very cool item. I agree with what most of the other commenters said about its virtues and flaws. I really like the added touch of Profession (gardener), implying that you couldn't use any old flower from the field- you must grow some specifically. My devious GM subconscious is already bubbling with plot ideas here... smart PCs would be clued into who's killing people and leaving these flowers behind eventually, and then start investigating local gardeners.
While I'm not exactly keen on it defeating your standard "detects" (my PCs really howl when they find out that their abilities don't work!), I agree with Quandary that most people don't walk around casting detect poison on every rose they smell! And a really smart assassin is NOT going to even bother with an "in-person" Diplomacy attempt to get someone to smell it, they're more likely to get it to the victim via an unknowing accomplice, or some more subtle method.
John, I like it. It's got great Golarion flavor, and the mechanics are sound, if not perfect. But, I can see flaws, some of which others have already pointed out. I'd definitely make the vision enhancement some kind of blindsight, as Ryan suggested. I'd also make the time spent transforming longer, minutes (at least), not rounds. Yes, I realize this makes it less useful in a combat situation, but it fits real metamorphosis much better. (On B5, Delenn spent days in her cocoon! And all she got was human hair! ;-)) I'd also say no moving while encased, and definitely no cover, assuming an attack gets through the hardness (which is probably too high). Overall, it's an excellent item, though. Congrats making the Top 32!
Sue, this is wonderful wondrous item! I can really see my brother's cleric using it for just about all of his allies (he lost a number recently). I think making a low-cost, low level good item is harder than making a more expensive one. You did great there!
Hope the excitement is enough to get you over that cold asap! Congrats on winning!
Great idea. I see some of the problems that the judges have pointed out. With a 5 minute "simple ritual" it definitely is not going to work in combat- I can only see it being used against unwilling victims affected by something like a hold person or else majorly tricked with an appropriately worded suggestion or charm person. But not every item needs to be useful in combat... devious users of this are far more likely to use it in the ways I mentioned.
The name threw me- I was expecting something more along the lines of a enhanced darkness item, not a shadow-captive item. I'm still not sure whether this should count for, or against, the writer. Either way, it's a really cool idea. Work on your formatting, Sam, and congrats on making the 2011 Top 32!
I really was trying to make the point that every item, no matter how high the word limit, is going to have a moment where it requires a GM call on exactly how it's used. (Players are very creative, as you undoubtably know!) So no matter how clear the wording, unless your item is as straight-forward as a broom of flying (which, as we all know, is not going to make the grade here!), there's going to be something confusing about a lot of really good items.
Having read the Smuggler's Collapsible Robe, I noted where the judges were already asking questions about how to GM this in game. I'm sure that item is not the only one, either.
By saying this, I don't mean to imply that any of the winning items are at all bad- every one I've read is pretty nifty. But my point stands... all creative items, no matter how well-written, will eventually meet a player who finds a loophole to exploit, much to the despair of their GM!
I actually couldn't bear to look for 25 minutes! After I did, I spent another 20 minutes quietly crying alone in my room... (just kidding)!
Now, that I've seen some of these new items, I'm not surprised I didn't win. However, one thing I thought might have been a problem with my item (a rather simple name) can't have been much of hindrance, as a number of the Top 32 have names just as "bland." It was more likely the "random factor."
Note that I don't mean to impugn the names of the winners, I don't have much difficulty with more simple names (I happen to think long fancy names a little "cheesy"), but the judges made their thoughts clear on this subject- they like the fancy names better than the more descriptive ones.
While I realize that a few minutes after "le grande announcement," most people have better things on their minds than reading my posts, I have to say I was very pleased with the responses I've gotten from the board about it. Thank you, Charles and Standback, for taking the time to give me your ideas about this item.
Charles, I read the whole thread on Seven Thousand Blossoms- that was most enlightening- and it makes me feel better about the item I actually did submit. It has a number of things in common with the blossoms. And I have to agree with most of the comments- that is one sweet item. I once saw a brilliant Japanese play on stage called Shinto, where they used an incredible amount of real cherry petals to great effect to simulate a number of magical spells. When I read Seven Thousand Blossoms, that's the first thing I thought of- I guess that puts me in "oriental adventures" camp.
Spoiler:
Standback, I really, really apreciate your thoughtfulness and support! As I said before, I love thoughtful and constructive criticism- you have not written anything that I find off-putting! Thanks for the ideas on how to improve the Puzzlebox.
Quote:
Sticking to wordcount isn't just about editing your prose as mean and lean as you can; it also requires you to know what ideas you just don't have room to get across properly. A pie is more awesome than a cupcake, but I wouldn't try to bake one in a muffin tin for a cupcake contest - because the result wouldn't even make a decent cupcake.
That's probably the best advice I've heard about writing to a word count.
Quote:
Is the needle really crucial to the concept?
No. As you probably realized, that bit was what I tagged onto the end to give it a little more "oommph."
Quote:
"If the box is destroyed, its contents are lost" is much shorter than your version - sure, it's an entirely different result, but the difference probably isn't crucial to the concept.
On the dusk or dawn concept- I wrote that in because I didn't want players to be able to go into the magic snuff wholesale business. The enhanced snuff needed an expiration date to prevent a PC from pulling out daily doses and storing them indefinitely. I imagine you understood that, but I say this to be clear on why.
Quote:
...but I'm pretty sure my version is significantly clearer. Note particularly that I mention precisely what the Int check accomplishes - that's helpful.
I'll probably rewrite the item to accomodate your suggestions... thanks a million!
Quote:
But I'm hope they've been helpful in demonstrating how it might be possible to be more clear in fewer words.
They have indeed, thanks.
Quote:
One is: is the "puzzlebox" description tied to any actual puzzle, or is this simply referring to the many situations calling for Int checks? It's a cool name, and I feel like it almost fits - it just seems a bit odd, when you can't open the box and say "here, this is a puzzle box, see?". Maybe it's a puzzling box, rather than a puzzlebox?
Yes, to both the first and the third question! What I imagined was the outside of the box (mithral and darkwood) appears to made of many pieces, a puzzle in actuality. Hidden among the pieces is three sections that open. Note that my first 3 Int checks is only for the INITIAL attempt to find each of these sections. After finding each of the drawers, the daily Int check is for figuring out which of these drawers accesses which of three randomly rotating extra-dimensional spaces so you can make sure you've got "the right snuff." ;-)
Quote:
The second is, I think some very slight description would be appropriate for placing big items in the tiny drawers.
Yes, that's one thing I thought about too- but the word count (as written) prevented it. In reality, there's really no way to truly visualize such an effect. I deliberately avoided mentioning the item shrinking (too close to shrink item). But it's a standard effect in fantasy- from Mary Poppin's carpet bag to Hermione's Undetectable Extension Charm. The visuals are usually something I think a writer should leave up to the GM anyway.
One last point: my main "inspiration" for this item was the eponymous God Box from the novel by Barry Longyear, even though the magic and the appearance of the puzzlebox has little in common with the Box of the novel.
Again, I appreciate your enthusiasm. If I don't make the top 32, I intend to have the judges review my item, so one way or another, you'll see it. Thanks again.
Luckily, I noted real names in your profile were required weeks ago and changed it then.
As for silly real life names, my mom's gastrologist is named (absolutely true) Dr. Louis Strain. She also had a girlfriend in high school named Fanny Rape. (I am seriously not kidding here!)
Overall, I like all three of these. Unfortunately, I do not think they are Superstar. All are SiaC.
Specifically, for the saddle, I think you waste a lot of words on background- which I personally feel is unnecessary. While I'm sure Paizo may not agree with this, I'm a big fan of personal campaign worlds. To my thinking then, background written into an item's description is counter-productive, as it will have to be discarded by a GM, or at least, customised to his own world. I also am not sure, but I think it's a bit over-priced. Why is the CL so high (14th)? Phantom steed is only a 3rd level spell. I also think that Craft: leatherworking should be part of the requirements (something this "big" and pricey needs a masterwork saddle specially made for the magic to work, imho). Still, I would like to say that my Ranger would love to have one, high price or no!
The mask has a lot of flavor (wicked, evil flavor!), it reminds me of something I wrote into the background of my campaign's high level sorcerer. (That was a giant stone "mask" of an idol dedicated to a necromancer, who had the ego of a god, at least. ;-) Sadly, your mask is still SiaC. What I like the most is that a "good" cleric could use the first function without fear of violating his oaths. I also like that the zombie animated by the mask could theoretically be de-activated if the mask is removed. (I'm assuming removal does not disintegrate the corpse.) This is something most good characters would want to do, especially if the zombie was animated from the corpse of one of their friends! (Boy, can I see "opportunities" there! Evil, bad GM!)
I like the Wizard's Heartfire a bunch. Maybe that's just because I hate doing housework! For all it does, it SEEMS underpriced. However, I did the math and you have priced it correctly, even including the 1.5 modifier for multiple abilities. (1st level spell x 3rd CL x 2000 x 1.5 = 9000) The bonus that grants the effects to guests is a nice twist. (This reminds me a lot of stuff you find in Second Life- do you play that?) One last thing: it's no biggie, but I noticed a spelling error- "it said the trick behind the..." should be "it is said", or "it's said." (Not its said- the it's/its mistake is my biggest pet peeve in the english language. It's so easy to get right- but people insist on muffing it so often! ;-) Thanks for posting these, and good luck in the contest, assuming you entered. I'll let you know if I use your mask in my campaign.
For Charles Evans 25:
Spoiler:
You're right that word count is no excuse, at least not in this contest. But I stand by what I said- that good items could be made better if the limit was a bit higher. I really was trying to make the point that every item, no matter how high the word limit, is going to have a moment where it requires a GM call on exactly how it's used. (Players are very creative, as you undoubtably know!) So no matter how clear the wording, unless your item is as straight-forward as a broom of flying (which, as we all know, is not going to make the grade here!), there's going to be something confusing about a lot of really good items. Unless, of course, you are truly a RPG Superstar! Which, I'm sure, is the reason for this contest- to find those people!
Back when this contest was announced, I wrote and finalized over a dozen items specifically for this year. It's not so much that I thought the Puzzlebox was bad as that I thought another was better. My submission had unique qualities, and fell into a very little used category. (I obviously can't say much more about it!) I feel the Spell-in-a-Can rule is a very fine line, because almost all wondrous items are going to be based off one spell or another- the creation requirements are written as to practically require it! The trick is to make the item interesting and unique enough to persuade the judges to overlook that. IMHO. I appreciate your advice a lot!
I've been brainstorming- a lot! Like 10 hours a day... but only a bit is actually typed up (and hidden away inside a triple-encoded extra-dimensional safe where only a 25th level mage could find it!). I've been thinking along the lines of variants for the bard, paladin, monk, druid, ranger and rogue. Oh, and once or twice about an archetype for the barbarian... and the witch... and the sorcerer... just so you know. ;-)
On a more serious note, I'll be finalizing my design over the next few days... so I won't have to rush (agonize) during the short time given for the next tier. IMHO, we should not wait until the announcements to begin considering our next entry. Brainstorming and initial writing should start before you know if you'll make it or not- just because the deadline always comes faster than we'd like! If you don't make it, well... you can always use the entry for your own campaign!
Thank you, Charles, Ronars, and Standback, for your cogent and well-thought-out advice! For the record, I LOVE constructive criticism.
For Charles: You're right- it should be ethereal plane. Thanks for catching my one formatting error.
Also, your edit is more along the lines of what I intended- it's not so much the drawers themselves that change (the outside of the box always looks the same), but rather the extra-dimensional spaces within that rotate positions. Therefore marking the drawers' outside would make no difference. And the random factor was another reason it did not get submitted, even though I think the Puzzlebox is lively enough to skirt that guideline! ;-)
For Ronars: +1 on what I said to Charles. And I agree with Standback on the drug use issue. I think this item doesn't quite cross that line. I did envision a elderly, absent-minded professor type wizard creating this one. And who doesn't see such a character with a pipe or some mild vice (re Gandalf)? I don't smoke, take snuff or use (illegal) drugs, but I do drink coffee- but that's technically drug-use, so are you saying you think a magical pitcher of coffee would be considered breaking the mature content rule? I do appreciate Paizo's position on these issues, but with all the items here devoted to poisons, I can hardly consider something like the Puzzlebox as drawing fire from the child advocate communities. However, I'm glad I didn't submit this one because others may feel as you do. In this contest, it's hardly our own opinions that matter! ;-)
For Standback: Thank you for the humorous compliments! You actually made me laugh... your "lovely prop" comment hit my intentions spot on. I do try to go for "flavor" over perfectly executed mechanics (though I do _try_ to get those right too), and I definitely think this one is a winner in "flavor." Of course, I have to say that I feel none of my items are bad- the question is, are they Superstar?
Your thought on the clunky "randomizing" effect is well-taken. I happen to agree that, as it is written, it does seem a bit confusing. (Though I think the randomness is part of the "favor.")
HOWEVER... in my defense, I will point you all to the word count. Recall that we only have a max of 300 words allowed- and this is only 5 words under that limit. IMHO, there will be numerous good items with some confusing elements just because the author had to stay under the limit. If I'd had more "words" I'd've made it clear what I said to Charles about the extra-d spaces being what switches positions, or that the outside resists markings, etc. Recall this: no matter what items make the grade here, we can customize them in any way we like for our own campaigns. Very, very seldom do I use an item as written straight out of a book.
I thought deeply about how I'd GM this item in my campaign... what if someone only put snuff in one chamber? And a wand and a ring in the others? Would that "stabilize" the randomness? I think not- as long as one drawer has snuff, they all continue to randomize. And let's face it, even if you don't manage to get the "right" drawer, you're still going to get a benefit. A wizard wanting fox's cunning won't suffer from a cat's grace effect! Now if the "wrong" drawer was a curse or some nastiness, you might have a case...!
Again, thanks to all of you for the kind comments!
I rejected this one because, despite liking it a whole lot, it seemed too much like a Spell-in-a-Can (or Box in this case! ;-) I still like it enough to use it in my campaign, and you are welcome to do the same! I've included my pricing formula and a word count for your convenience, even though I'm aware this is not allowed in the contest itself.
Description:
This palm-sized, mithral-inlaid darkwood box (hardness 7, 15 HPs, Break DC 20) conceals three tiny secret drawers within it, each requiring an initial DC 15 Intelligence check to find. Each drawer can hold any one item, weighing 10 pounds or less. Regardless, the box weighs only ½ pound. Once sealed inside the Puzzlebox, the items are stored within an extra-dimensional space, and can only be retrieved by the person who sealed them inside, unless they can make a DC 20 Sleight of Hand check to open the Puzzlebox. Destruction of the box deposits the contents randomly on the etheric plane, but any items that were within are undamaged and theoretically retrievable.
Snuff stored inside any one of the three drawers is perpetually kept fresh while inside, and if stored for more than a day, its potency is increased, empowering the snuff with a cat’s grace, fox’s cunning, or owl’s wisdom effect, depending on the specific drawer used. However, when used for snuff, the drawers randomly switch positions constantly and new Intelligence check at DC 15 is needed every day to determine which chamber does which, before attempting to open the box’s drawers. Every day, only the first dose of snuff removed from each drawer is transmuted, and once removed, the magical effect upon the snuff only lasts until the next dusk or dawn, whichever comes first. If the Sleight of Hand check is failed by 5 or more twice in one day, a hidden needle stings an unprotected hand for 1 HP. This needle can be coated with a contact poison once the Puzzlebox is opened.
As a committed "reclusive hermit/monk" in real life, I have found it difficult to break the habit online. However, I also want to win this contest! You haven't seen much of me here recently since my holidays were followed by major surgery, from which I am still recovering. However, I remain fired up by RPG Superstar enough to follow the boards regularly, and whether I make the first tier or not, my enthusiasm for this contest will continue to be storm-giant-sized! I encourage everyone to vote and make cogent and constructive comments for each contestant. Wishing everyone the best of luck.
Very nice break-down of what's wrong with my item, very much appreciated, people!
Here is a response to Azmahel's critique. I know explanations aren't allowed in the contest, but here I can at least try to answer some of his questions.
Spoiler:
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Weight: 3 lbs. each boot.
Why not simply state that they weight 6 lbs ? Why are they 6 times as heavy as the average magical boot?
Because they're full of mithral. Even at half the weight of steel, it still adds up to more weight. Though I agree with Scipion that it should be less, like 2 pounds each.
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A very rare example of a magical cooperation between elves, dwarves and gnomes, these magical masterwork boots are endowed
What does this mean? Can this item only be crafted by an elf, a dwarf and a gnome working together? Why is this part important for your item?
No, it does not mean they can only be made by these three races working together- it means they were made by members of these three races (in a home campaign, obviously). Flavorful addition, could be deleted.
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with a permanent pass without trace effect. Additionally, twice a day, the wearer can mentally invoke one of the following powers upon himself: +10 to Stealth, +10 to Survival
What is the bonus type?
My worst mistake- no bonus types mentioned at all. (Competence is the default, isn't it?)
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(each lasting ten minutes per caster level)
why not simply state 50 minutes? It's not as if the CL of the boots will change anytime soon. Or is it the wearers CL?
I thought the CL listed is the MINIMUM CL, but obviously, they can be made at a higher CL and then the duration would be longer.
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this is pretty much the definition of both SiaC and SAK. The only upside is that you have only 2 charges that must be used for all effects, rather than have each effect be useable 1/day
That was a matter of keeping the cost down, but I like the idea of making the player have to choose which to use on a given day.
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and can be used in melee as if a masterwork dagger,
if the wearer possesses the Exotic Weapon Feat (or natural claws).
Exotic Weapon Proficiency for which weapon do you need to use the dagger?
"As if" Claws that slide out of boots are not actual daggers, but these do damage as if they were, provided the wearer has either the Exotic weapon Feat or natural claws (hands or feet- which presumably would give proficiency with claw attacks).
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What is a feint check? There is no feint skill ;).
dear me... I thought you'd read the Bluff skill. Feints in combat are clearly detailed under Bluff, and in the combat chapter. But I could hardly call it Bluff (in combat)- while minimizing word count.
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Also what exactly is a new opponent? (item makes Gming harder)
Anyone the wearer hasn't fought (WITH the claws) before.
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which drops to a +3 after he first springs the claws
So if I wear the boots and fight him with my greatsword I get +10 to feint , but if I use the claws the bonus drops to +3? Seems weird.
Bad assumption- the Feint bonus (competence) applies ONLY to attacks made with the claws. It drops to +3 after the opponent knows the boots have hidden claws within. (Sorry, but you get no bonus to Feints with your greatsword while wearing these boots!)
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The wearer gains no bonus against opponents completely familiar with the boots. The workings of the claws are oiled with salve of slipperiness and more salve will be needed every so often (GM discretion) DM Discretion = Item makes DM's job harder, Also screams home campaign item.
True. But what you call making GM's job harder, I call a nice flavorful addition. Adds personality and a special quest (more salve) for the wearer right from the start.
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Only a few dozen pairs were made (for an elite cadre of border-patrol guards: the Elu’thiri)
Again screams Homecampaign item. Effectively you forbid anyone from using this item in their game (without importing your home campaign world), let alone giving one to their PCs or letting them craft one.
Hardly. Any GM can easily simply delete my personal fluff text. More work, yes, but really not much.
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and fully 90% of them were bewitched to function only for elves, dwarves or gnomes (15% reduction in cost). „bewitched“ strikes me as odd. I'm somehow expecting the word „enchanted“ here. And again my Homecampaign radar goes „ding“
Actually, the words "endowed" and "bewitched" were added specifically because I read on this message board that one of the judges was rather picky about the term "enchanted" being used outside of its context of the Enchantment school of magic. Bewitched goes -Harry Potter- to me, but not home campaign.
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How many ranks do you need? The skills are should be written as Profession(engineering) and so on.
Another bad mistake- the ranks are important. I'll put them in all items from now on. Thanks very much for taking the time to give me your feedback!
Scipion del Ferro, I agree with your assessment of the Aura being too low- it should be moderate. And the weight should be 2 pounds at most.
Mentally invoke would be either a free action or a swift action (depending on how much time the GM thinks clenching your toes takes!).
Other problems- good thing I didn't submit this item, eh? Thanks much for your time and advice!
To be short and frank, your item runs afoul of multiple issues.
If you want an extensive analysis I can do one for you. Just say it ;)
Anyway I'd suggest that you should try to be more "Tankard of the drunken Hero" awesome than "Helm of Brilliance" awesome - try to do more with less. Make an item with few effects that are really cool, rather than an item with numerous effects that taken alone are rather bland.
Exactly. While most outdoorsy characters would like these for their nice but utilitarian effects, over all, this item's effects are rather bland (SAK, perhaps?).
My actual submission followed your advice to "make an item with few effects that are really cool" so now I feel less anxious about it!
Extensive analysis? If you want to take the time, certainly! Constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thank you.
Starglim, you're right- the claws aren't magical in and of themselves, but over all, the item IS a magic one.
This is the wondrous item I created and rejected for submission, fearing it came too close to crossing the weapon/armor/item line. Let me know your opinions: does it cross the line? is it even worthy of the contest? Thanks! (And FYI, it's 295 words!) In my own opinion, it is a wondrous item, albeit one that also functions as armor and a weapon.
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Elu’thiri Tiger Boots
Aura: faint transmutation. CL: 5th. Slot: Feet. Price: 27,100 (23,035 with discount). Weight: 3 lbs. each boot.
Description:
A very rare example of a magical cooperation between elves, dwarves and gnomes, these magical masterwork boots are endowed with a permanent pass without trace effect. Additionally, twice a day, the wearer can mentally invoke one of the following powers upon himself: +10 to Stealth, +10 to Survival (each lasting ten minutes per caster level), cat’s grace, jump and longstrider. Dwarf and gnome artisans studded each leather boot with mithral and fashioned a hidden spring-loaded mithral claw (hardness 15, 10 HPs) in each toe, which extends and retracts with a toe clench. These claws grant a +3 bonus to Climbing checks, and can be used in melee as if a masterwork dagger, if the wearer possesses the Exotic Weapon Feat (or natural claws). If not, non-proficient penalties apply to the wearer’s attacks, and only half his Strength bonus applies to his damage.
He also gains a +10 bonus to Feint checks against new opponents, which drops to a +3 after he first springs the claws. The wearer gains no bonus against opponents completely familiar with the boots. The workings of the claws are oiled with salve of slipperiness and more salve will be needed every so often (GM discretion) for regular lubrication, and for repairing them if they are ever broken. Only a few dozen pairs were made (for an elite cadre of border-patrol guards: the Elu’thiri) and fully 90% of them were bewitched to function only for elves, dwarves or gnomes (15% reduction in cost).
Construction
Requirements: Craft skill: armor and shoemaking or leatherworking, Profession skill: engineering, Craft Wondrous Item, pass without trace, cat’s grace, jump, and longstrider. Cost: 13,550 (or 11,517) gp.
When I began creating sample wondrous items in preparation for this year's contest, the first one I really liked (and even planned to submit) skirted the weapon/item line. Having read this thread, I'm pretty sure my item did NOT cross that intangible line- it followed the advice of "Likely if you're making it a weapon, you're doing it wrong. Remember the Mattock and the Maul are tools, that can be used as weapons."
But at the time, I rejected that item as a submission because I was afraid it would be auto-rejected. (Plus it referred to some home-campaign material, in a very minor way.)
This was actually for the best, because it forced me to work harder on my other wondrous items, until I was sure the one I did submit was RPGSuperstar quality. (I might be wrong about that, but I feel I'm not. Now it's up to the judges!)
Thanks for all the advice, friends! I feel better about myself every time I read the boards here. Even if I don't make the grade, it wasn't for lack of trying! Best of luck to everyone.
Uhhh... there's good advice, too late, for you! I am a English major type with an absolutely rigorous command of grammar. I wrote and rewrote my submission, carefully, surgically paring down the word count to bare minimum (under 300)... then when I saw the Title goes into a web-form of its own, I thought "Great! A way to cut even more words from the total!" Needless to say, the first board thread I read today says Paizo wants the title in BOTH the web-form and the Description! Thanks a lot... At least, I did include the title in the form, so you do have it!
BTW, thank you, gbonehead, for the funny Galaxy Quest reference!
