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Hmmm. Mayhaps ol' Cap'n Dogbeard could dust off his luxuriant dog pelt beard for such an endeavor!
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This goblin pirate (Or is it pirate goblin?) was fun for the brief time I got to play him. I'd love to play him again. "Yar-har! Pups an' kitties!
I didn't change the location to make it more likely for some races, I said the demographic of said tavern would change based on location. I said SEVERAL times that it would not be uncommon to see any of the core races in your average tavern. In fact, I defined being a member of a core race as being a common sight at your average tavern. Is an average tavern in Korvosa going to be filled with Half-Orcs? Unlikely. Is anyone going to look twice at a Half-Orc in an average tavern? Unlikely. This is now apparently true of goblins. No, no--you got all wrong! Gobbos not INSIDE tavern: Dem OUTSIDE tavern at horsie buffet at weirdly-named 'hitching post' thingee! In fact, dis display o' goodwill from longshanks be WHY some gobbos now willing to be friends wit' longshanks who previously killed us on sight! TA-DA! Dere yer reason fer gobbo PCs! Yay! P.S. - In future, maybe kill an' cook horsies fer us beforehand, OK? Would appreciate it! But...baby steps.
"Nom, nom, NOM! Move 'long--nuttin' ta see here!"
"Me so happy me could sing!" "Poke the traditionalist, offend the purist!
"Garn! Ye buncha gobbo-hatin' web-lubbers can takes a longshank walk off a shortplank pier!" (See? Goblins can be fun and lovable! Just like pirates.)
"Avast me gobbos, yo-ho! Bow-wow-wow...an' a bottle o' rum!"
I still be hopin' to git an updated version o' the Cap'n done by Friday.
Arr!!! Arf, too! Ability Score Rolls: = 7 = 12 = 16 = 12 = 13 = 11
I fired off a PM to the GM. If I hear anything I'll post it here if necessary (but probably not until Tuesday at the earliest). "Ill news, mateys. It appears we've entered a dead calm." (Means "No word from the GM.")
I fired off a PM to the GM. If I hear anything I'll post it here if necessary (but probably not until Tuesday at the earliest).
In unrelated news: Goblin Sale. The sale doesn't start until 4/18, though.
"Ahoy! There be a seahorse in the yardarm, mateys! Yarrr!"
Anyone else find it amusing that we're waiting for a horse to post? I can't help but picture all the keyboards, laptops, tablets, and smartphones he's smashed with his hooves in the attempt ;)
With a sigh, Dogbeard steps bravely (or foolishly) between Offenclopf and the beached ship. "No, Arrrfenclopf--dat be ship where da fireworks dat da Commodore wants be stored," the Cap'n says. "If you burn now, we not have fireworks to take back to Gutwad. We not have fireworks, Gutwad kill us all dead. Maybe you burn after we recover firepoppers, eh?" Looking around at the other goblins, the pirate sighs again and asks, "I don't s'pose we strong enough to drag yon ship to da ocean?"
"Anyone else want crossbow?" Dogbeard asks. "Me already have one, but this one be fancy--old one just shmancy. Me could use to shoot first, and stabbity-stab later. Oh--an' maybe even ask questions at some point." The Cap'n examines the potions by dipping one finger in each, lifting the finger up to his nose for a sniff, and then tapping that finger on his tongue.
Doggy pirate-walks over to Offencloft and hands him Potion #2. "Pretty sure dat be Healy-Juice of Moderate Ickiness. Drink all down, make blechy face, den you should feel betterer." "Dere enough Yummy Mouth Glue for everyone--can probably give waxy paper to Ghyr as added treat." "#3 be Potion of Amazing Strength, so dat probably go to Mags da Amazin'. If one o' the others be Vial o' Vile Poison, we probably should take back to Licktoad village and give to Slorb as present. Heh-heh!" Upon spotting the mired ship, the Cap'n gives a loud gasp and says, "Wow--'nuther goblin pirate ship! Must be goblin pirate ship: Who else could possibly miss ocean by dat much??!!"
"Maybe," the Cap'n tells Her Amazingness. "After all, it take two big Lotslegs to make hundreds little Lotslegses. Also need Mags's sharp eyes and sharp sword to help search Lotslegs' lair. Could be booty there, or webbed-up dead goblin babies many, or webbed-up-but-alive-tomorrow's-DinDin animals, birdses, or even frogs...which we could free and then torture to death for our own suppers." "Also, Mags...," the Cap'n begins before his eyes turn toward Offenclopf and bug out. He walks over to the little goblins, looks down at him, and then gently takes off the brave pyro's skull helm. "By Bessie's indiscreet teats!!" the pirate howls. "Only part of Arrrfenclopf not covered with spidery bites is where his helmet was!" Turning back to Mags, he asks, "You Amazingly enough to heal Arrfenclopf? If not, we need to find healer, healy-juice, or healy-stick for him. Fast."
"Arrrfenclopf, my good man...er, goblin," the Cap'n says to the smaller fellow. "A word of advice, if I may. Don't set fire to webbed-up stuff in Lotslegs's lair--dat where giant spiders often hide dere booty." Thinking it over, the Cap'n says, "Well, not set fire until we make sure no booty inside webbin', okay?" And speaking of booty.... "Come over, Mighty Hero Mags of Amazingness!" the pirate calls out.
With an "Avast!" and a "Yo-ho-ho!" the Cap'n plunges into the swamp, following Lotslegs' trail until he comes to its source. He then looks around for plunder.
"Aye--Arrrfenclopf has the right o' it," Dogbeard says. "An' come to think of it...it takes two big Lotslegs to make hundreds creepy li'l Lotslegses, so...iff'n we're lucky, there'll be another big Lotslegs in da lair! If we really lucky, Lotslegs will have made second Lotslegs after-mating snack! Let's go!"
"We should smoosh all da baby spiders, so's they don't grow up to be new Lotsleg Eat Goblin Babies Many," the Cap'n tells the others. Moments later he's hopping around, crushing as many of the fleeing arachnids as possible. "Oh, what do we do with da baby spiders?
"Smush 'em with our boots and make 'em jelly!
When he gets tired, Dogbeard tells his fellow champions about the giant bugs that dwelt near his old tribe, the Dark Hooks. ”Dere be all sort o’ giant buggies down north in da tropics,” the Cap’n says. “Dere be giant ants, giant bees, giant beetles, houseflies—dey be big as a house—giant wasps, giant millionpedes, giant grasshoppers, giant…um, treehoppers, monstrous stinkbugs, ginats—dem be really, big gnats—but da spiders is da worst.” ”Let da Cap’n tell you ‘bout da deadly giant pegleg spider,” Dogbeard continues in a hushed tone little more than a whisper. ”Dey be black as night, big as a , with legs as long an’ thin an’ hard as a giant’s spears. Dey live in big palm trees at da edge o’ rocky bluffs o’erlookin’ da sea. On dark nights when ships drop dere anchors so as to not smash into reefs, rocks, cliffs, or other goblin ships, da pegleg spider uses a line o’ its icky-sticky webbin’ to pull da top o’ its palm tree all da way to da ground, den it cut it with one leg an’ shoot itself like a cat out o’ a catapult. It sail majestically through da air, body spinnin’ an’ its legs splayin’ dis way an’ dat. Den—also like a cat out o’ a catapult—it lands soundlessly on its feet in da ropes dat make up da riggin’ o’ da ship. “Down, down, down da ropes it climbs, like da riggin’ be its very own web. Down it come, black as night, silent as death, to feed on da sleepin’ sailors. Da poor crew, asleep below in da hold, has no clue dat death has come a-creepin’ for them until, comin’ from up on deck, they hear dat dreadful, ominous sound….” The Sound:
”By then it too late: You be either dead or laughin’.” Seeing the giant spider's trail, the Cap'n adds, "Da Babyeater needed Lotslegs to hold up its fat ol' booty...but maybe it have better booty back at its lair, eh me hearties?"
"Hey Mags! You an' me--let's flankety-flank!
for
"Lotslegs gots lots o' eyes, too!" the Cap'n cries as he moves to engage the big spider. "Let's see iff'n the ol' Cap'n can stabbity one out! Yarrrr!"
for
"Scuttlin' death to port!" the Cap'n barks, pointing his rapier to the left for any landlubbers in the party.
"Hmm...maybe have Mags an' Ghir at front to scout, stab, an' bite any nasties...den maybe me an' Master Dogcooker (so's me can help Mags stab stuff an' cuz Drubbus not have armor an' thus be crunchable)...an' Sara an' Arrrfenclopf can be rearguard an' maybe even shoot an' burn stuff in front from safe-ish distance. Make sense?"
"Pirate should carry map to treasure," Dogbeard suggests politely to Sara, tentatively holding out his hand. "Besides, we not want precious map to blow up spectacularly if Arrrfenclopf or Master Dogcooker accidentally set you on fire." Addressing the others he asks, "Who want to lead Band o' Champions forth into glory and/or certain death? Should be someone with real sharp eyes or really tough skin that resist monster chompin'."
Since real pirates don't dance, the Cap'n doesn't join Mags by the raging bonfire. Instead, he reflects upon the strange arc his brief life has taken in recent months. Being chosen (well, pressganged, actually) to serve on Captain Rattlebash's goblin pirate ship had been surprising. That Rattlebash's ship had managed to sail all the way from the Shackles to Varisia before wrecking was even more surprising. That the creature that pulled him out of the surf that day had been some longshank duck hunter's retriever had been more surprising still. The look in those big puppy-dog eyes when the goblin'd repaid the kindness by running the beastie through...that had been the mostest quantity of surprised of all. That the Licktoads didn't kill and eat him when they discovered him nibbling the peltless dog carcass a few hours later was surprising, too. Life, it seemed, was full of surprises. He was good with a blade, good with a song, and good with other good stuff, so he--now called Cap'n Dogbeard--had been accepted as a member of the tribe. Still, he had no true friends amongst the goblins who dwelt in this cold clime. He knew only a bit about the fellow heroes Commodore Gutwad had chosen for his secret mission. He'd generally given the two pyromaniacs--Arrrfencloft and Master Dogcooker--a rather wide berth, not because they weren't good goblins, but because their penchant for burning was a constant threat to his trademark dogpelt beard. He'd actually felt sort of bad for the runty Arrrfencloft, who often got picked on for no good reason other than he was small and had accidentally given someone life-threatening third-degree burns. He also liked the little goblin's piratey-sounding name. In a rare moment of prescience, the Cap'n wondered if there might be a good reason why including a pair of pyromaniacal goblins in a fireworks recovery mission might not be the best idea...but he couldn't quite put his finger on it so he let the feeling of unease pass. Ghir he likewise had avoided, as that fellow would eat anything (and possibly anyone) who crossed his path. Sara the Mysterious was mysterious, and thus had mysteriously remained a mystery to Dogbeard. She seemed to get angry real fast, so Dogbeard was smart enough to always keep at least one other goblin between her and him. Even Mags the Amazing hadn't previously caught his eye or fancy. Anyone who needed to add an extra word or two to their name to seem special (or relied upon some prop or gimmick to give himself a puffed-up identity, Captain Dogbeard added mentally as he adjusted his treasured pirate hat and dogpelt beard a bit) was likely all hype and no substance. Now, though, as he watched Mags, filled with ecstasy or epilepsy (Dogbeard often confused those two terms) as she danced free of care, restraint, and rhythm...Doggy found that his opinions were changing. "Believe da hype...," he whispered to no one in particular as he stood transfixed by the dancing of both the bonfire flames and the Amazingness that was Mags.
The Cap'n helpfully dabs some of the mud from Mags's face with his dogpelt beard. She was awful pretty if a little dumb...the whole concept of a captain seemed a bit beyond her grasp. Then again, goblins were meant to be dumb! Dumbness was endearing trait! It made Mags, well...amazing! When the blackguard Nord threw two more of the Licktoad champions, the Cap'n had had enough--he threw down the gauntlet (or the core of the apple he'd been chomping on--close enough!). To his horror, the pig promptly scooped up and devoured the discarded trash. "You eat gauntlet!!" the Cap'n screamed at the pig-boar. "Dat be final straw! Me challenge you to dance-off! Me jump on you an' you dance around an' try to throw me off!" To impress Mags and the other lesser gobbos still around, the Cap'n sang another brief song. "'Oink! Oink! Weeeeee! Weeeeee!' dumb Squealy Nord said
"Weeeeeeeeee!" Squealy Nord said as yet another goblin hopped on his back. "Wheeeee!" the Cap'n echoed a moment later as he flew through the air and landed in the mud, rolling over a few times before coming out of the tumble standing upright. "Dat was fun!" he tells Mags. "You is right--Squealy Nord be best dancer in tribe!" A bit later, Dogbeard hears of Oppencloft's heroic deed and congratulates the little fellow. "Arrrrfencloft--you either heap brave or dumb," the pirate says. "Probably both! But you show spirit of true champion! Me almost certain sluggers help ward off da scurvy an' me pretty sure gettin' scratched by rusty steel an' iron help ward off da tetanus. Good job!"
The Cap'n scurries through the muck to help Mags up and make sure she's alright (though her splat-landing looked awesomely acrobatic in his eyes). After she's up, Dogbeard glares at the goblins making fun of her. "Stow that hyena-talk, ye bunch o' mangy gnome-kissin' scallawags!" Next he throws a glare in the pig's direction. "Me hope yer dance card not full, ye bung-faced, curly-tailed swine! You an' the Cap'n gonna dance later...an' not in good way." Turning back to Mags, the pirate decides to pitch some serious woo. "Even covered with mud and pig poop, you prettier den da lady goblins o' me old tribe. Me ever sing you dat song? Well...." Dark Hook Gals: "Dark Hook gals ain't got no combs Howl away, howl away Dey brush dere hair—an’ teeth—with codfish bones An’ we're bound away for Sargava So heave away, me bully, gobbo boys
Dark Hook gals ain't got no sleds
So heave away, me bully, gobbo boys
Dark Hook gals ain't got no frills
So heave away, me bully, gobbo boys
Dark Hook gals ain’t ‘fraid o’ sins
So heave away, me bully, gobbo boys
But Dark Hook gals ain't got no tails
So heave away, me bully, gobbo boys
Dark Hook gals, how dey make me sigh
So heave away, me bully, gobbo boys
Dogbeard lowers Mags to the muddy ground, eyeballing this alleged Squealy Nord. "Hmm...him more handsome than the Cap'n expect. Me jealous you dance with him. Him also pig and therefore delicious. Good luck, Amazing Mags."
"Don't worry--me take care o' dis," Dogbeard tells his Saucy Highness. Turning his fiercest pirate glare upon a nearby group of non-champion gobo rabble, he shrieks, "Ahoy dere, ye scurvy, white-bellied, flounder-guppies! You take da fearless Cap'n an' da Amazin' Mags to da Squealy Nord or I'll stick ye with me blade an' give ye a second porthole on yer poopdeck! Yarrrr!" In case those wicked awesome threats weren't enough, the pirate goblin barked, "Please?"
The Cap'n sees his opening and seizes it like any real goblin rogue would. He pirate-walks right up to Mags, hooks both arms around her waist, picks her up in a bearhug, and starts waddling off with her. "Remember: Stab an' move! Stab an' move!" Once they have a little privacy, he moves his face close to hers and whispers romantically into her nostril, "Me think you saucy wench! Not want to say that too loud nor when Ghir around--him might take literally." The Cap'n stops suddenly and adds, "By da way...what be Squealy Nord and where him be?"
Dogbeard glares at the mutinous green turds but his countenance brightens at Slorb's gift. "Shiny-shiny! Miney-miney!" he sings before adding, "'Til me have to give it back, o' course."
"What dis? A mutiny??!! Why ye bunch o' scurvy-sailed, lilac-livered..." The Cap'n points behind the upstart goblins to create a diversion and scampers around the nearest hut, then trying to climb up onto its roof. Skill Checks:
Although he hadn't a clue who or what Squealy Nord and Lotslegs Lots-More-Words were, the Cap'n nevertheless doffed his tricorne, raised his rapier in salute, and yipped, "Aye-aye, Commodore!" before exiting the Moot House to look for all the fun games the Chief had promised. An hour later, poor Doggy was still wandering through the goblin village wailing, "Where Walk da Plank??!! Dat be fun game! Lots more fun den Talk to Plank." Then he remembered an awesome riddle he'd heard in his piratin' days, which he posed to the nearest members of the tribe. "What goblin pirate use to squash starfish?" Answer: "Starboard! Yar-har-haaaaa!"
But me resisted!! So proud of self!!
I resisted the temptation to make a joke about the drowned goblin. I was sooo tempted to have Doggy say, "Yeah, no one like that goofy nerd--Geek Mogurt."
"You stop speak funny," he says to Dogbeard. "But only one goblin drown last month. Slorb hate Mogurt too. Keep up good work." "Aye-aye, matey! I'll belay me cutlass-garglin' pirateyspeak presently! Yarrr!"
The Cap'n takes off his beloved tricorne long enough to bow to the Licktoad Chief. "Ahoy, Commodore!" he says with hopefully enough reverence and respect in his voice. "What you need done? Got keel that need haulin'? Some swab you need decked?" "Then me is da goblin for da job!"
The Cap'n is indeed impressed by the display, since he stops swinging his rapier for a few moments and stands with his lower jaw and tied-on beard drooping. "Quiver me embers, dat would put da fear o gobbos into most landshanks an' longlubbers we meet! Is good thing you not have luxuriant real pirate beard--not dog pelt--like me, cuz it catch fire when you do dat."
"Heroes??!! By Besm-Arrrr!-a's curvy chesticles, me not hero--me be a pirate! Yarrrr! An' pirates can't help but look cool...an' scary. You look piratey too, Mags. You can join me crew an' be scourge of high seas AN' low swamps, too! Avast!" The Cap'n starts running around swinging his own rapier and singing. "Fifteen longshanks on a dead longshank's chest
"Avast!" exclaims Cap'n Dogbeard, not the least bit unexpectedly. "Ahoy, Arrfenclopf! Fair winds, Master Dogcooker!" Looking around at the accumulation of wealth inside Moot House, he adds, "Booty!" before tailing off in a length of giggling and snickering. Checking out the posterior of one of Chief Gutwad's goblin concubines, the Cap'n snorts, "Her have avast booty too!" Looking around wildly, the Cap'n suddenly exclaims, "Where be Slorb, dat duck-livered, mango-ridden bilge-dog??!! How we do anchors aweigh if him not here??!!" |