Drula's page

I am going to end up losing my mind in this place. I can already see that. All together though, I've kind of been on the upswing today. My mood has improved again. I'm not entirely sure what sent me into this recent funk, but I think it was a combination of smaller things on top of being stressed. I've had a good day today though, I'm getting my psych eval next week, on Tuesday. Needless today, I'm exited about it, I thought it was going to take longer, but no.

One of the aids here that I was friendly with got fired a week back or so. I thought she was off for some appointments or something, but no. She was fired. Damn.

You could count the non-mentally impaired in this place on one hand, and for some reason, as much as my roommates get cycled out of here for some reason, I never get one of the functional. So far the ones I've had to deal with were bed plants, couldn't get out of bed or do anything. Now they've given me one that is very much like the senile old lady that caused me to get moved to a different hall when I was new here. My current roommate is ambulatory, he gets out of bed and walks around, but his mind isn't there. It's like the lights are on, but flickering and still no one is home. A typical day for him so far has been, get up in the morning, eat, come into the room, look through his drawers to see what's there, walk out into the hall for a few minutes, come back into the room, look through the same drawers to see what's there, walk out for a few minutes, come back in, and repeat that over and over until someone tells him to go lay down or go eat the next meal.

Then we've got a real-life demon here. He exists for no other reason than to irritate people or cause them grief. This is the one I mentioned wanting to murder. Someone just needs to end him. There is no good thing about him, he's belligerent, insulting, obnoxious, he does shit just to irritate people, and if he knows it's irritating, he'll do it more.

Bah!

... Today was hard, very hard.I was bar4ely keeping myself out of a funk, one of those where everything just seems so pointless. And everything... well, not everything, but several people just continued to irritate me, and that's putting it lightly. I could have bitten nails in half I felt such rage. I've still got a headache from not just beginning to scream and throwing a fit.

I wanted so bad (still do pretty much) to murder one of the other residents here, the mad whistler that can't sing but constantly does so, if you could call it that. I would say that he tries to sing, but just can't. But, that's wrong. I don't think he even tries to sing, he just keeps making noise for the attention it gets him. He gets attention by irritating people. I hate him.

Going to really need to talk to my counselor again, for whatever good it does. He did finally get back in touch with me and he let me know that the people giving me the psychological evaluation would likely do it in a couple of weeks. So, at least I know something, sort of a blind report, but a report nonetheless.

I am going crazy waiting on my counselor to get back to me or for some sort of news on whether or not I'm supposed to get another psychological exam. I think it's been something like two weeks now. I hate bureaucracies.

On top of the tension waiting, There's been some sort of confusion on ebay and I'm being charged for a game I didn't win, or at least didn't seem to.

Fah... I've been given another nut for a roommate! I don't think there is one resident in this place besides me that has a fully functioning brain. Screw that, I'm beginning to wonder if there are any functional elderly people left. I mean there must be, but my grandmother was the last old person that I knew before now and all the old people I meet here are all brain-dead or brain-damaged from Alzheimer's and stuff.

I want to scream and cry...

I'm trying to keep the smiles up Xian, at least as much as I can. Like you said, it takes work though, being happy. Which goes back to one of the reasons I don't like life to begin with. I want something worthwhile to be easy. Bah.

My smiles are more like grins now though, big grins sometimes, but grins. I don't think I've actually smiled since I was young and still had that kind of innocence. Which isn't bad necessarily given given what I look like and the state of my teeth. If I actually smiled at someone, they might run away.

Anyway, hopefully Val will let me in soon, I got him my c-sheet. So, hopefully not long.

Don't let it bother you Lin. I'm hard to inspire at times, but now isn't one of those, so just the fact that you tried makes me feel better. I've had some good news and such too, so I'm keeping my head above water so-to-speak.

Yep, only problem with Val's game is I'm not in it yet. I'm hoping maybe I can get my character done tonight so that maybe I can jump in before the first experience award gets handed out, or the first fight or whatever. It just really sucks the enjoyment out of a game for me to start behind everyone else since I'm already penalized just by not being able to play yet. >sigh< What can you do though?

*hugs to all*

And for that, JZ, I am so thankful. I told the counselor that I'm seeing about all of you and the support you give me.

Lin, it has been a battle. It seems like fate/the universe either does not like or challenges one to have a good day or mood. But I have been stubborn on a few occasions and weathered all the inconveniences, annoyances, and problems that beset me, and finally something good would happen.

It has been really tough though. To continue with the sentient fate/universe thing, it does seem that I am being corralled into becoming a bed plant possibly for the rest of my life or at best an extended period, which will either choke off or kill my computer time.

Regardless, I see that bleak future that I mentioned before looming close and it terrifies me.

I haven't written much in the last few weeks either. Either things would come up or I wouldn't know what to write. So, I would wait until later, and then when later arrived I had completely forgotten about it or I would put it off again. The way things go.

I've also kind of fallen into a time warp. Since I've been feeling generally better the days have started to pass faster and faster. There isn't enough time in a day.

Yes, I'm still checking in. Almost every day actually, I just often don't know what I want to say. I've been doing well really. Thank you for asking. I've been getting a lot of support here too so it's done great things for my general mood.

I've mainly been keeping myself distracted so that I don't start thinking about life and things too much because even though I can maintain a better mood now, my beliefs and all haven't really changed a bit.

You can have all that without having guns though. I mean, China had those for centuries too and as far as they went with black powder was relatively crude cannons.

Thank you Val, I do appreciate the thought and intent even if I don't think anything is listening.

Lin, Val has an idea, use crossbows, there's always a pistol crossbow. If you just want a different image and don't care much about the mechanics, use a slightly more magic-based fantasy version without the crossbar and say it runs off a spell like Launch Bolt.

That would satisfy Val's dislike of guns, but should be similar enough to work for your concept.

True. I think Paul McCartney once noted "you make plans, then life happens."

When I look at life as an entire arc, yeah, it looks quite pointless. So I try to look at it in little snippets, day by day, moment to moment. I find it more worthwhile that way.

Not thinking about it and going from moment to moment has been the only way I can distract myself enough to be happy and enjoy the nice moments. I look at and think about the entire arc a lot, and it all looks completely pointless to me unless I indulge the notion of some overriding entity behind it all and that's when I start to look at it all as a trap or a prison for us.

It's nice to hear from you Tari. I really appreciate the support you and everyone else has shown me. I really am handling my depression better these days, due in no small part to the talks I've had here, you've all been so willing to let me vent and complain. I certainly do consider everyone online friends.

I've never thought that no one cares. My depression comes mainly from a hatred of life, well, of my life anyway, but I am just so tired of it, I hate the rules of life, like that you have to work at everything, use it or lose it, no pain no gain, pain lets you know you're alive. I just think existence under those kinds of rules is crap. If there is a God or someone that created us to live in this, it is not a good god I seem little reason to be thankful to it. It seems to me that a god would be more of jailer than anything. The world is rotten, people are generally good. There are lots of nice people here, but that doesn't mean that this world is less rotten. Even prisoners can make friends with other prisoners.

I'm getting on a rant again. I should stop before I get on a roll and type for hours.

Well, the way it seems right now, I think our handyman talked the admin out of the plan that might have disrupted my service, but I don't completely know yet.

I've got several of the actual nurses that are really friendly to me as well, they talk to me and help me a bit beyond what their jobs demands, so I really appreciate them.

I've caused a fairly big stir today because I finally went and talked to the administrator about a problem I was having, and so now he's trying to figure out if there is a way to solve the issue without moving someone to a different room.

I'm worried that whatever solution he comes up with, I may be offline for a while, like a few days or a week. I'm hoping not, but like we touched on before, I'm trying not to have too many expectations and just see what happens. So far, they've hung a thermometer in here to see how hot or cold it gets.

Mine was terminally boring. I spent the entire day laying in bed and snoozing.

My friends, well, one is the van driver, Gloria, she says she feels kind of like my big sister. I don't get to talk to her that much because she's always on the go in the van.

Vicky, she's the one I've had the longest talks with and we're pretty good friends. She calls me her gal. She's one of the CNA's.

Then there's Jennifer, the massage therapist. We're fairly close and do a lot of talking while she massages my feet.

All of them encourage me a lot and try to get me to be happy with who I am. I owe a lot of my stability here (such as it is), to them. They always try to cheer me up and do a good job at it.

Drula, you're probably tired of folks telling you to feel better when that doesn't seem possible right now. I'd like to know you better instead. What got you interested in role-playing games? How long have you been playing?

Well, if I hear it the same way over and over it gets old. But otherwise, no, I'm not too tired of it. I've been making a few friends here among the staff of the hospital and they've been helping me feel better because they find time to stop and talk to me and such.

When did I start playing? I started playing about my last year of high school back in 86. A friend of mine at the time got me into it by convincing me to sit in on a session or two and then make a character I did and then played some. I liked the freedom of choice it gave. There wasn't any kind of list of actions to choose from. So I got hooked on it about that time. I wanted to read the books so that I'd know more about the game (D&D). He had this weird notion that you had to start that you had to start with basic D&D before you learned AD&D. So I read through them and laughed because they were two different game systems and only superficially the same.

I didn't get introduced to other game systems until several years later in college, and then started playing Vampire.

I might be Val since I'm still around, but I've got to really start budgeting my time better. So, If I can fit the time in, I will. After all, the time I spend here typing this could be used for that. If it's okay, I might consider bringing in a new character, one that I was playing in a failed attempt at this adventure path. We made it through Thistletop and captured whatever her name was, the Aasimar that wanted to become a demon. She's a priest and kind of a sage.

Valandil, you are not offending me by praying for me. If you have the faith and such go ahead. Just, to paraphrase Conan, I have no words for it. My belief/disbelief in God is complicated.

As much I claim or say that I don't believe in him, I still keep wondering if there is something or someone "up" there. I call Jesus' name or God in times of stress and such. Which I understand is just habitual speech, I just find it a hypocritical of me to be claiming I don't believe them and still use the phrases. But anyway, what it really is I think is that I have just lost faith in "him". And, while I accept ultimate responsibility over what I have done to myself and my life, I blame God for my life itself, for my existence, and how difficult and unfair life is.

I am certainly rambling now, so I'll stop.

Thank you for bothering to read it and indulging my desire to write feelings down. I also welcome your judgement if you want to judge or comment on it. Nothing will hurt or faze me at this point.

An I being overly selfish, just fretting so much over my own problems?

No, there isn't and the few things that are worth watching, are so eat up with commercials it's barely worth watch for the annoyances, unless you're watching one of the premium channels like HBO or Showtime, which I'm not.

Being confined to a bed is extremely hard for me. Not that I am completely confined to it since they ban use a lift to transfer me it just makes it a lot of trouble and also means once I'm in either one (bed or chair), I am stuck there until they get someone who can operate it to do so.

The prospect of living that way for the rest of my life distresses me to the point that I often begin crying about it when I think about it for a while. But, those are the kinds of thoughts that lead me to begin feeling the future closing in on me and all I see is darkness. I have lost sight of any possibility of a happy future and it scares me.

Physical health by the way, I'm talking mainly about my mobility. I have diabetes, which has wrecked me until now, but I've finally got that reined in. What is screwed and continues to degrade is my legs. I've been losing the ability to walk for years in slow steps. I lost it completely last year when I got a wound on my ankle. Very recently, just before I left for a while in fact, I lost the ability to stand up and get in and out of my chair. Now, I may think of myself as a woman and desperately want to have the body of one even if I was out of shape, the fact is that don't, I am technically like a nearly 250 lib man. So, it takes quite a bit of effort, or in fact a lift, to get me in and out of this chair for anything.

That loss of another chunk of my independence has been hitting me, really, really hard.

Anyway, just needed to talk a bit, so I thought I would explain some of what I keep referring to.

Well, I'm back finally. I'm feeling a bit better, but whether that is the medication or the fact that I got to get out (of the nursing home) and meet new people (the staff at the other facility) I can't say. But being back here at the nursing home kind of makes me think a little of both, or since I haven't been on the new anti-depressants long, maybe more the later. I am a people person at heart, just an exceptionally late bloomer or wishful thinker.

Regardless of feeling a bit better though, I can say the other place did shit for my desire or longing to be dead. I'm just a bit more mellow and can put on a pseudo-happy face better. But being back here at the nursing home, at least I've gotten back to the people I'm trying to make friends with or at least that I talk to a lot. However I have also become even more aware of the crushing reality of my physical health. Enough to which I have been crying myself asleep every night and having several such crying spells during the day.

Well, they are sending me off to a counseling facility because they are worried about me. Somehow this all seems kind of pointless and funny, but what the hey. I'm going to go and be out of touch for one or two weeks. I laughed when the social worker here told me to be honest with them. Being honest with people is what got all this started.

I try to think of good things as well, not things that brought me happiness in the past, because if I think of anything in the past tense or as a memory, it just makes me long for it all to be over that much more. I find that the thoughts which comfort me most are being outside on a bright sunny day, the temperature is warm but with a strong breeze, and the birds are out looking for food or whatever else. I love watching birds. I also love seeing the morning sun shining through the window, or even just the midday sun shining through the window.

Those are good thoughts... I needed to think of all those today.

My sadness begins when I think of how unfortunate I am, but then I start thinking of how harsh life is and how much everything hurts. We are brought into this life through pain and we continue experiencing it in varying degrees until we die which is generally filled with intense amounts of pain and suffering.

The world can be so beautiful, but life itself is a cruel and vicious thing.

Seriously, as much as some people gripe about things, or even those that don't. What is so great about life? What makes it worthwhile? Is friends the only thing? If so, I'm bankrupt now with no friends or family to speak of. Is it just the nebulous fear of the unknown that keep people going, this fear they'll end up in Hell or might not reach Heaven? Why believe that, because somebody told them to?

It5's so frustrating. I want something reasonable and rational to believe in. I can't do blind faith any more. God just does not make sense to me. I was explaining that to someone today and all I got was, "Read the Bible." I nearly threw up.

Friendships are good, I enjoy friendships. The problem there is that either through my own personality or theirs most have proven to be fair-weather sorts that I don't have contact with any more. Of course, at this point, I've lost contact with the people that I used to consider actual friends too.

No, I've never actually the pleasure of reading Buddha. It's always been one of those things that I wanted to try, but never got around to. Kind of like learning Chinese, but I know that's quite a bit more complicated.

I never really thought about the difference before, but I do actually see it. Like you said, it's hard to eliminate, but I am going to have to seriously think about that and try to trim down my expectations too.

Lin, Val, I am so honestly sorry for bringing either of you bad feelings. That's one reason its taken me so long to begin talking about things. I have a bleak view to world and life in general, but I've never wanted to bring other people down by talking about it. In fact, I've always tried to understand how they love life so much, or even in the worst cases, how they tolerate it so well.

The best thing you can say to me Val is simply that you understand why I'm so fed up and dissatisfied. Simple understanding goes a long way. All I get around here for understanding is senseless Christian rhetoric, like "Be thankful for what you have." To which I'm always responding, "Why? I hate what I have." I mean really, if this is the best the Great Lord could do and we have to settle and be thankful for shitty draws, I'd rather he take it all back. I don't want my portion. If its forced on us, then I certainly don't see why I should be thankful for it.

Well, I'm working on attitude and if not actually positive I'm trying to be more cheerful or rather putting on a good face.

I'm hesitant to label them as goals because I'm scared to get my hopes up for such a nearly impossible dream. I've had my hopes crushed too many times when I get too hopeful and I automatically try not to get too hopeful for something. I don't deal with frustration well.

Between the two myths, I would like to believe in the one where you accomplish your dream. But I can't really get myself to do it. In my years of life, I've just come to realize that for every person that accomplished their dreams, there are thousands who don't. But yeah like you said, I do occasionally afford myself a delusion, but I never throw all my hopes into one goal/dream.

It may be good to have goals, but hope is a doorway to disappointment.

I can play characters that are a lot more hopeful than I am. I agree completely that its more enjoyable to play than to win. Now, I do enjoy accomplishing goals, but its not as important as the trying to do so.

I've always been good at placing myself in someone else's shoes to understand their beliefs even if I don't personally agree with them.

I think I'm beginning to ramble a bit, I'm sorry if its hard to follow my writing.

I do have other things I like to do, but almost all of them require money that I don't have any longer. The last of my money is going toward financing this internet connection that I have, which if I didn't have the money I would save by not having it wouldn't do me much good.

On the up side I guess, I am watching what I eat a little better, if anything to hang on to some delusion that I will eventually lose enough weight to fit into smaller sized clothes and such. It's not likely I will ever be skinny and certainly not skinny enough for most women's things like bracelets and other jewelry to fit easily, but its one delusion that I'm affording myself for the time being.

Well, there is one counselor, but I only see him once a week and mainly he spends the time trying to get me to have a positive attitude and look on the bright side of life. He thinks that I've been thinking negatively so long that it's become kind of habitual or routine for me to do so.

I don't know, maybe he's right, maybe he's not. So, I don't get too much out of him since it's one hour a week. Regardless, whether he's right or wrong, that's where I am now, a firm believer in Sod's Law and not much else.

I roleplay for the escapism aspect. Roleplaying I can be or at least pretend to be things that I'm not in real life. Most notably a real, genuine girl. I've always wanted to be one, I consider myself one, problem is though, as hard as might wish or try to be, I have a man's body and shape. So now, I'm over 40, I've spent the best part of my life rejecting myself and living as a recluse for being forced to live as something I never wanted to be.

Due to that disgust and rejection I've felt for myself I've pretty well ruined my body and now my financial well-being, so, I am stuck here in my early forties with virtually nothing and pining away for what could have been and never can be.

Roleplaying is virtually everything I have left.

Marked Tree. It's not the smallest place, but it is pretty small. Not that it bothers me too much because I'm pretty well confined to a building seeing that I'm in a nursing home/center. Not too sure where Delight and Searcy are, although I have heard of Searcy, and of course Little Rock, but haven't been there. I'm not very widely traveled.

I have an aunt, uncle, and some cousins that live in Paragould, or did the last that I knew of which has been a while, so its anybody's guess now.

Anyway, all right, my problems, or at least largest part of them is that I am tired, very tired, or life. There is not a lot left for me, that I am capable of doing that is, that I enjoy any more. And it seems that every day for me echoes of that saying that pain lets you know that you're alive. I am a sorely out of shape diabetic with virtually no circulation in the lower half of my body and loads of neuropathy. So its like every day I have some kind of unceasing itch or pain. I am finally on one of the medicines to fight that now, so I am getting some relief, but that isn't the full extent of my aches and pains either, just a large part of them.

And really, my current shape is nothing but my own fault in the end either because I never tried very well to take care of myself when I was young. So, i'm not claiming to be a complete victim, just someone that got dealt a bad hand. But that in itself is part of my problem. If I get dealt a really bad hand at cards, I typically don't play. I've gotten dealt a bad hand at life, fine, I don't want to play it either. The problem is, the majority of ways to kill yourself, aren't foolproof and if you don't succeed, things just get worse, and no matter how bad things are, they can always get worse. Plus, everyone in modern society is so set that death is a bad thing that it's illegal to kill yourself and its illegal to help someone kill themselves. It's like a macabre play. Everything is set up to extend your life so much that even if you are suffering, they extend your suffering as long as they can. And all this is because people are so certain that there is some higher being watching over everything and either controlling or guiding our actions. I do not believe in that, nor do I believe death is bad. I have seen nothing that makes me believe in any sort of god or divine spirit.

Death really just seems to be a final peace. A final rest after this hellish existence filled with pain, frustration, and misery.

Oh... I don't know really. If we're talking about my feelings or what goes on in my head, there's so much, I have no idea where to begin. If we're talking about you, I'm still at a loss.

Sounds fair I suppose. So then, do we continue on here then or actually start a new one?

A group does sound pretty good. Talking about things does help if for nothing else than to let someone else know what I'm feeling. Keeping everything bottled up and to myself just gets so hard. I would try to talk and do things with friends, but I don't actually have any left that I can contact easily and certainly none close enough to do anything with. To make matters worse on that front I'm disabled and in a nursing center now, so getting me out to do anything is a major undertaking. Even before coming to the nursing home, dealing with the complications of taking me anywhere I found out that most of the friends I had were the fair weather sort and the only ones I could really count on for much had to move away for their jobs and careers, so they are in completely different states and such. We've gradually lost touch completely.

Anyway, what worries me about doing this group thing here is that this is Paizo's site. I'm not sure how they would feel about us using their space for personal problem discussions and all. I mean, I believe at least that most of us are fans of their material and some time customers of theirs, but this talking would have nothing to do with them or their material. I'd hate for them to realize we were taking up their space and come in to boot us out.

Thank you too Val. I feel bad for discussing this here in the first place since it is supposed to be a game site or at least a game thread, not a place for me to mope about life. Although I really do appreciate your thoughts. I wish there was something you could say too, but there likely isn't.

JZ, please don't mistake the troubles in my personal life for disinterest in this game. I am as interested in continuing this game as I am anything else at this point, it is just so hard to motivate myself at times and I get behind which compounds the problem sometimes, but I am still here.

There needs to be some easy way out of life.

Thank you both, I appreciate the good wishes. I certainly hope that life is better for all of you.

For myself I can hardly think of a truer statement that JZ's. Not just from my present circumstances, but life so far has shown me that is not such a wonderful thing but fleeting moments of happiness between pain, frustration, and suffering. It's not just miserable times, but a miserable world we live in.

I'm getting a little more time, so I'm going to try and make more of a concentrated effort to get back into the game.

>sigh< Well, unfortunately all that is out of my reach. I live in a nursing facility in rural Arkansas. I am effectively broke, or will be very soon since all my money is going toward maintaining my internet as long as my computer stays operational. There is virtually nothing in this backwater little village and even if there was, I couldn't get to them.

Ah well, that's my luck, thanks for the reference anyway.

What is the traditional Chinese type of medication? If possible I may look into it, although I don't know if there's much help for me.

I want to apologize for my lack of posting. I've been having to cut back on the time I spend at the computer due to the circulation (or lack there of) in my legs. Then not to mention I've also been having some really bad battles with depression lately which all leads to me having a really hard time keeping up with games, this one included. I've been checking in intermittently when able, but I'm still quite thoroughly lost as to where we are or what's happened. I'll have Drula join back with you when I can or whenever I get a clue, if JZ permits that is.

Are we supposed to be 4th or 5th level?

I'm still slowly getting Drula changed to an actual cleric. This week hasn't been very conductive to roleplaying or cognizant thought.

I made one with the rolls I did before, although it was a slightly different question.

Knowledge: Religion 1d20 + 9 ⇒ (9) + 9 = 18

Do I know of any creatures or anything that rot flesh like we're looking at?

Sorry I'm lagging so bad, btw.

Drula followed along quietly after Xian as he examined the bodies and did likewise herself to see if there was anything particularly odd or noteworthy about the bodies, aside from the particularly gruesome way they were killed, or perhaps even including that if she knew of any religious practices that demanded such deeds.

Upon looking over each, Drula touched her hand to each bodies remains trying to contact any remnant of the person's spirit to learn anything she could that way.

Heal 1d20 + 10 ⇒ (3) + 10 = 13
Perception 1d20 + 3 ⇒ (8) + 3 = 11
Know: Religion 1d20 + 9 ⇒ (4) + 9 = 13
If possible, using my Knowledge domain's ability that allows touching a creature to learn it's a abilities on the bodies. It's a very unorthodox use but I though why not. If so treat as appropriate Knowledge as if I had rolled a 22

"I think Messrs refers to Messengers,"

"Why would someone spell Messengers Messrs? Is it code for something?" Drula asked, looking a bit confused by the thought.

"Yes, I know healing. Both natural medicine and magical healing thanks to the great spire. You want me to speak to both men, Ibor and this other man, the bodyguard Grayst? Who was Messrs? On the note, four names were mentioned and you only named three that were dead."

"Does anyone know what the symbol means?"

We're all assumed to be there in the meeting, right?

The Factotum was in the 3.5 Dungeonscape book.

Well, Drula will also join in the funeral rites for Camryn and Shelalu. She didn't know them that well, but she would still want their spirits to be at peace and all.

Drula could also probably be lingering around Sandpoint just because she likes the the town and the area. As for her background though, she was originally sent down to Sandpoint and the surrounding towns on a kind of diplomatic mission for the Shoanti tribes when they had notices a lot of movement in the giant and goblin tribes. They suspected trouble was brewing somewhere and Drula's Quah (tribe) especially wanted to start making allies and warn people. Since Drula is a half-blooded Shoanti/Chelaxian, she was selected for the mission hoping that would have an easier time relating to outsiders.

Are we going to be continuing on with the Rise of Runelords adventure path? If so, how long after the Thistletop thing is this going to be?