Dedrick, The Professor's page

*Enters the room, covered in confetti, and smelling like cake and candles.*

Sorry I am late everyone, it was Jurassic Bard’s 33rd birthday yesterday, his other aliases and I were busy celebrating.

*Finally, after a long and exhausting battle against the “washing machine”, Dedrick emerges triumphant.*

A lesson for all of you, check your appliances and other equipment, just in case they turn out to be a mimic ooze.

*Breathes a sigh of relief and grabs a nice cold drink of water.*

Now, let’s consult the 15th postcard, as it has been a while since we have looked at them.

Wenda can be found partially hidden behind the T-Rex ice sculpture, Woof is behind one of the right hand trees (only his tail can be seen), Wizard Whitebeard is amongst some snowmen trying to keep warm, Odlaw is one of the individuals that are frozen in a block of ice and the star fragment is atop a tree.

My case in point, why would I reprogram R2-FU to do that to my washing machine?

Wait a minute, I use the local launderette like everyone else, I don't have a washing machine!

No, the robot was always like that. No-one has done anything to it.

Sometimes, you've just got to love that robot.

He'll take it!

Wait, so you're not going to help the poor soul? And I thought that I was heartless!

Relax, my dear lady, we are all going to harvest your son's vital organs for amusement.

It's all written down on the rota, with you getting first priority!

I must say, we're creating an awful din aren't we? Still, no reason to stop partying.

Oh, and Lady Blackmoor, you are to harvest your brother's organs next Tuesday.

After your mother has harvested his organs first, which will be the Monday before.

*In genuine amazement and fascination* What a most exquisite sample of tar! I must learn more!

*Uses special GoatToucher brand solvent to remove tar and discard the dentures.*

*Picks up The when’s dentures, holds them out for The when to take them.*

Maybe you should try a stronger adhesive, I hear that tar works well.

If you know of a better way to realign his chakras, we would all like to hear it.

Yes, don’t bother! Trying to realign his chakras is like putting toothpaste back into the tube.

Um, do really want to do that? He is disease ridden you know.

Dedrick, The Professor wrote:

Good to see you again, and just where have you been all this time?

And don't say the obvious response, we all know that it's not true this time.

Nonsense; I'm always Hiding In Your Closet...sometimes I just roll higher on my Stealth check than others!

I found your missing extra head, Professor - now YOU tell ME, what have you been up to while I wasn't paying attention?

Firstly, that is a fibreglass replica of a tigon for a museum display.

Secondly, I have been right here writing the rota for harvesting Alphonse's body parts.

Speaking of which, your turn to do the harvesting next Saturday.

Good to see you again, and just where have you been all this time?

And don't say the obvious response, we all know that it's not true this time.

Because you've been away for so long, your Cheese Shop has been sold off to a butcher.

It was GoatToucher who sold it, so you know it went for a great price.

You might want to put him on a sofa or something, instead of leaving him on the floor.

And maybe try and keep him awake, I'll see if I can get Dr House.

I'm sorry, what are we talking about now?

We're talking about the following:

1. Mr. Grinch hiding from Santa Claus.
2. Orange Hulk and Schism delivering the presents this year.
3. Something to do with the Goat Police.
4. Listing every single robot from the transformers universe.
5. Writing up a daily rota of harvesting Alphonse's (Comte de Malodor) body parts.
6. Your triumphant return and how you will bless us once again.
7. And solving the mystery of how they put the jam in Jammy Dodgers.

You should definitely take the opportunity to move there, it's the hottest place in the universe!

Though, being located on a sun, I guess it was kind of obvious.

They've also been c) eaten up by GT's Abominable Sousaphone Band.

No, well yes, it can play the banjo. But it mainly exists solely to aggravate you.

True, but whatever dark forces created that!

*Points to Just Hair.*

Has done so with the specific purpose of being the bane of your existence, apparently.

We can but hope!

*Is baffled at how The when (lacking the use of legs, or even a waistline), is able to wear trousers.*

Just don't get too comfortable in those, they belong to Comte de Malodor after all.

Which one? The Raven? The Telltale Heart? The White Death?

Actually, I don't want to know. I will know peace, Nevermore!

A musical, magical confectioner can! Or maybe that creepy fellow in the alleyway.

How would you rate the awesomeness (in all senses of the word), of GoatToucher?

I like apple pies and cherry pies, myself. Especially with custard.

3.14 circular, to be exact!

And I've achieved my previous task, so I can reveal all with the postcard!

Woof is hiding behind a giant Christmas cake (his head is visible), Wenda can be found amongst some pastry chefs staring at a massive cake person in white icing and adorned with a biscuit bow tie (with the star fragment in the middle of it), Wizard Whitebeard has also stepped in some cake mix and leaving footprints (just like the cat) and Odlaw is intentionally using an icing gun on some of the bakers and living pastries (and is about to get his comeuppance).

You'd be the only one who knows when I'll learn the lesson (if at all).

Besides, it's a proven fact that the GT emissions are the best reagents to use for various concoctions.

*Reads postcard whilst extracting ichor from GT's Gothic Fairy Sousaphones.*

Give me a while back everyone, both the extraction and studying the postcard is quite lengthy.

Everyone, don't panic but, run for your lives! As it turns out, the hippopoceros is not extinct and, there's a massive stampede of them - along with a herd of Esquilax and even some Colombian Mammoths - heading this way!

*Flees as fast as possible, to avoid the soon to be oncoming stampede.*

Actually, Valentine here is from Las Vegas, an easy mistake to make.

Although, that being said, I share your views on the Liverpool Victoria employing zombie tigers.

*Looks awkwardly, thinking about the name.*

Indeed... only seafarers pointing out people called Richard can get away with saying it.

That's right, I remember attending the wedding, a shame that they drifted apart.

I hear that she has since been remarried, to a distant relative of Moby Dick (as in, the infamous great white whale).

Actually, both of those items are quite popular. Made quite a fortune on them alone.

But I will definitely buy some new GoatToucher brand surgical equipment.

Get back here, you, I'm not finished operating on you yet!

Indeed. But the claim is that (despite appearances), it is in fact an antique, hand carved, duck whistle, created and used by the Malodor household to hunt for wild Esquilax made of bone. Rumor has it that, the bone used, came from the tibia of some primordial horror (most likely, the long extinct, hippopoceros).

And your ninja skills are as impressive as ever, Pulg!

*Pulg is then used by Dowager Comtesse de Malodor, to further wash out her son's mouth.*

Ah, Schism, how fortunate that I found you! I could use your help.

*Holds aloft, a letter addressed to Vampire Schism.*

If you should see your vampire self, give her this letter. It's from her father, the Count.

*Gives the letter to Schism.*

The usual way of posting the letters isn't working right now.

*Returns to his laboratory, studies the 12th postcard.*

Wenda is partially behind one of the giants trying doing yoga. Woof can be seen (his tail at least)poking out of a giant's pocket. Wizard Whitebeard is among some of the "captured" chess pieces. Odlaw has been swatted away by a giant (for no apparent reason and not the same giant who swatted away the knight). And the star fragment is on a banner, above Elvis Presley.

In the meantime, anyone care to make themselves useful?

I'm harvesting Alphonse's vile organs to make equally vile concoctions.

You've got a mouth that's hoping for a soaping, Alphonse!

Now, quit insulting bullfrogs, and place yourself on my operating table!

There's a few things I need to create, and your organs will serve as reagents!

Zergrush! This has become awfully violent all of a sudden!

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Hamburger.

Hamburger who?

Indeed, shearing cloudkin is no easy task. Let alone operating a stormrazor with no hands.

Because people have started talking again, the thread is no longer in a perpetual limbo!

About time too, the memorial wall is already crowded with so many names.

Now, let's examine the 11th postcard!

*Does just that.*

Over by the river, next to an enchanted tree, is Wenda. Woof can be found amid some shrubbery, next to the knight. Looking at the most righthand treetop settlement, you can see Wizard Whitebeard, among some forest women. And Odlaw is with the people swinging on vine (although, he has evidently crashed into a tree). With the star fragment being located inside one of the empty tree huts.

I'm more concerned about how the petrol station came up with the logo.

It looks suspiciously like a creature I made last week, only for it to escape through a temporal vortex.

That’s because it is. Seriously, it’s best avoided at all costs!

There's the San Diego that first comes to everyone's mind instantly.

And then, there's the second San Diego that everyone soon remembers. -_-

I thought you preferred San Diego. Or so Waterhammer told me, before he died.

Again, not the San Diego you're thinking of, but the other one.

No, they don't. Only in Chicago, will you see it more frequently.

And not the Chicago you're thinking of, there's another one.

*Studies the postcard, desperately trying to change the subject.*

Woof can just be seen poking out from behind a "fruit machine". Wenda is located in the staff kitchen, among a
group of chefs (one of whom, is Elvis Presley, as there's five of him in this scene). Wizard Whitebeard is on the stage (actually located backstage), amid disorganised and argumentative stage hands. Odlaw is over at the same blackjack table as the count, being one of the card players (and probably cheating). And the star fragment is on the belt buckle of one of the fire-breathers.

*Takes a little break from working on the project.*

Alright, my assistants, I'm having a momentary rest. Just keep stirring the flubber until I return.

*Exits the lab, quickly whispers to the security troll:*

It doesn't actually need stirring, it's just something for them to do.

*Has a brief laugh with the security troll, then heads to quarters.*

Finally! I needed this, I've been working hard and I'm almost done.

*Examines the recent postcard.*

Let's see... aha!

Woof can just be seen over by the swimming pool, Wenda is by the football
pitch (which is in complete shambles. As you have football - soccer - players, rugby players and American football players all confused and mixed up), Wizard Whitebeard is is amongst a crowd of people cheering on some basketball players, Odlaw happens to be serving as referee for a wrestling match, and the star fragment is in the centre of the ice hockey rink.

And I've just noticed that the superhero is the previously mentioned superman lookalike (with the inverted colour scheme), and the clown is one of the original travellers.

*Receives a surprise missive from the count.*

What's this? It must be important.

*Reads the letter, becomes a bit disappointed.*

Looks like I need to pull some overtime in order to complete these new demands. No matter, I have the genius and resources to succeed!

*Go back to the lab and continues with the project.*

Oh, right, I honestly thought that he collected purses.