Why did the Duck Family Call the FBI
Why do elephants clip their toenails?
Why didn't the ghost go to the dance?
A man born with no arms decides that despite his handicap he is still a capable fellow and needs to get a job. After a few hours of wandering about town he stumbles across an old cathedral with a sign out front: "Wanted: Bell Ringer." Curious, the man goes inside to talk to the priest.
The priest is a little surprised to see him but agrees to take him up to the bell tower and have a look. "I don't mean to belittle your infirmity," he explains on the way, "but ringing the bell requires pulling a heavy rope and I'm not sure you would be capable of such a task."
When they arrive at the top of the tower the armless man looks around, studies the bell for a few moments, takes a few steps back, then suddenly charges forward and slams his head into the side of the bell.
The priest is, understandably, quite shocked. "That's impressive! I'm not sure you'll be able to keep that up for long though...." The armless man, not to be underestimated, immediately repeated the process.
The priest was understandably impressed and gave the armless man the job. For a few months he was happily employed, despite his handicap. Yet the constant abuse took its toll: the man's skull was affected by the repeated bashings, and his sight became slightly obscured. One unfortunate day this caused him to incorrectly aim his charge and he swept right past the bell, running out into the open air around the tower and falling several hundred feet to his death on the pavement below.
Countless shocked citizens immediately flocked to the scene of the armless man's fall and began gossipping about what had occurred. One enterprising soul eventually stepped forward and knelt over the man, turning his body over to see if he could be identified. Behind him his wife asked, "Do you know who he was?"
what do Vegans Zombies Eat?
Two Fish are in a Tank the first on turns to the other and
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
The elephants are coming.
What did he say when he saw the elephants coming with sunglasses on?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One muffin said to the other, "Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?"
And the other muffin said,
.
Sorry I couldn't be here sooner, I found a dwarf and had to bury him.
*Why did that take so long?*
He wouldn't hold still!.
Have you heard about the Razmirans? They're really poor
*How poor are they?*
They're so poor, they can only afford one god.
Golarion has so many gods. And it gets more every day. Golarion has a god for everything. Well, except Premature Ejaculation - but I hear it's coming real quick!
What do you call a 7 foot guy with 200 pounds - all muscles - wearing a pink armour and a frilly dress using a suggestively shaped club as a weapon? "Sir"
There was this guy who used to stalk nuns, but he kicked the habit.
What do you call 1000 clerics of Asmodeus on the bottom of the sea? A start.
I hear vampires seek apprenticeships to Taldane tax collectors - those guys know how to suck you dry.
Three kids were bragging about their fathers.
"Mine is the leader of the local temple, and everyone calls him 'Your exaltedness' when they see him!"
"So? Mine's the High Archbanker of Abadar, and everyone calls him 'Your eminence' when they see him!"
"Bah. That's nothing. My father weighs 400 pounds, and when people see him, they say 'OH MY GOD!'"
Incidentally, there were three other kids bragging about *their* fathers.
"Mine father is a very powerful and experienced monk in the monastery. He can walk so fast, he can get from here to the Capital in 3 hours!"
"Pathetic! My father is an archwizard. He can teleport there in seconds!"
"You guys aren't even trying. My father's an official in city hall. His shift is over at 3 PM, but he's home by 2!"
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"
A cannibal and his son were in the jungle - the father was showing his son how to hunt.
They were lying low in the bushes when a corpulent person walked past, and the son asked: "Do we eat him?" "No, son, he's too fatty, that's very unhealthy."
After that, a real skinny guy went past, and again the son asked: "Do we eat him?" "No, son, he's too skinny. No good meat on him, not worth the effort."
And then, a real stunning beauty went past. Not skinny, not fat - just right. All the meat at the right places and everything, so the boy asked: "Do we eat her?" "No, son, we take her home and eat your mother."
My dog has no nose.
Terrible.
Does your dog bite?
*dog bites man*
I thought you said your dog dosn't bite.
So a photon walks into a black hole.
Q: What makes the hearse horse hoarse?
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Why do some accountants become actuaries?
Two men walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.
A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm.
The bartender looks up and says, "You can't bring that in here."
The pig looks up at the guy and says, "Go wait outside."
How do you drive an accountant insane?
A work colleague told me this one:
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
What is green, Irish, and stays out on the deck all night?
In 1939, Ribbentrop goes to Hitler and says: "Führer, Italy entered the war!" "No problem" responds Hitler. "Send a division against them." "But Führer, they entered the war on our side!" "Really? Then, send there two divisions..."