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The below pun was originally posted in the Overheard at the Paizo Office thread. In order to not clutter up that thread (i.e. - expose innocents to more bad puns) and to see if I can get JMD031's Giant d20 of Bad Pun Intolerance down to 1 (because I want to see what happens when it gets to a 1), I have moved the pun responsible for moving the die from 20 to 19 here and will be posting additional bad puns everyday until the goal is met.
And I encourage you all to do the same.
Hopefully JMD031 will let us know when the die reaches 1 without actually throwing it at anyone.
THE PUN
So in late 1960's London, a young Irishman named Sean O'Donnell took a job in a bank. His boss was an annoying man who took to calling him Paddy due to his Irish heritage. To make matters worse, whenever Sean would make a mistake, his employer would slap him in the back of the head. But Sean would not be baited and over a few years he worked his way up from teller to the loan department.
On his first day as a loan officer, a frog walked into the bank, introduced himself as Gribbit Richards and asked for a loan.
A bit puzzled, never having seen a walking, talking frog before, and worried someone may have spiked his tea with some sort off hallucinogen, Sean paused and then asked if the frog had any collateral.
The frog nodded and pulled a shiny bauble from his pocket. Sean was even more perplexed.
With a bit of hesitation, Sean went to ask his boss what to do.
Upon hearing the situation, his boss replied:
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Gandhi, as everyone knows, was a very spiritual man. He would walk throughout India, spreading his wisdom. Unfortunately, spiritualism was not a well paying gig and with all the walking, he wore out many sandals, going barefoot more often than not. The rough ground quickly toughened the soles of his feet to the point he could walk over hot coals and not even realize it until the edges of his clothes would ignite.
His lack of funds also affected his diet. He would eat what he could, often not enough, and his health suffered for it. His body became frail and people could smell his horrid breath from blocks away.
He was called many things over his life. Bapu, Mahatma and
This is the besy thread ever
An unfortunate rabbit had wandered into a nobleman's manor house and caught the attention of the noble's favorite hound. A wild chase ensued. Putting on a desperate burst of speed, the rabbit rounded a corner and spied a large crematory vessel sitting on a pedestal. He leaped in and hid, the hound ran past and lost the scent, and the rabbit escaped.
Moral: A bunny saved is a bunny urned.
A man walked into a pet shop, and noticing a particularly impressive budgie behind the counter, asked the owner how much it was.
"£350"
"£350?! For a budgie?!"
"Yes, but this one sings!"
"All budgies sing"
"Ah, but this one sings in English! Let me show you! He's called Chet, by the way"
So the pet shop owner took out a cigarette lighter and held it under the budgie's right wing, and the budgie sang 'Walking in a Winter Wonderland'
"Very impressive!"
The pet shop owner held up one finger as if to say, 'Now watch this!' and held the lighter under the budgie's left wing, upon which the bird sang 'Silent Night'
"And now for the grand finale!"
The shopkeeper moved the lighter between the budgie's legs and turned it up to full blast. Then, with tears in its eyes, the budgie sang
John Oliver (Daily Show & Community) & standup comedian Andy Zaltsman have a podcast called The Bugle. Andy is notorious for his "pun runs".... The show is much much better than the pun runs it's just I listened to one of Andy's today.
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*moves die to 13*
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Storm Silverhand: "Why is that lump of hash hooting at that creature with the body of an ox and the head of a wild boar which can kill with its gaze or breath?"
Manshoon: "I don't know, why is that lump of hash hooting at that creature with the body of an ox and the head of a wild boar which can kill with its gaze or breath?"
Storm: "That's just the pot calling the Catoblepas! BOOM BOOM!"
Manshoon: "Shut up and put some clothes on"
Storm Silverhand: "Why is that lump of hash hooting at that creature with the body of an ox and the head of a wild boar which can kill with its gaze or breath?"
Manshoon: "I don't know, why is that lump of hash hooting at that creature with the body of an ox and the head of a wild boar which can kill with its gaze or breath?"
Storm: "That's just the pot calling the Catoblepas! BOOM BOOM!"
Manshoon: "Shut up and put some clothes on"
I don't get it.
Gandhi, as everyone knows, was a very spiritual man. He would walk throughout India, spreading his wisdom. Unfortunately, spiritualism was not a well paying gig and with all the walking, he wore out many sandals, going barefoot more often than not. The rough ground quickly toughened the soles of his feet to the point he could walk over hot coals and not even realize it until the edges of his clothes would ignite.
His lack of funds also affected his diet. He would eat what he could, often not enough, and his health suffered for it. His body became frail and people could smell his horrid breath from blocks away.
He was called many things over his life. Bapu, Mahatma and ** spoiler omitted **.
He might have been peeved at you for saying he mishandled his diet, though - he was meticulous about it, trying out several different methods of finding the healthiest one (and a modern, western doctor would be horrified by some of them).
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He might have been peeved at you for saying he mishandled his diet, though - he was meticulous about it, trying out several different methods of finding the healthiest one (and a modern, western doctor would be horrified by some of them).Gandhi, as everyone knows, was a very spiritual man. He would walk throughout India, spreading his wisdom. Unfortunately, spiritualism was not a well paying gig and with all the walking, he wore out many sandals, going barefoot more often than not. The rough ground quickly toughened the soles of his feet to the point he could walk over hot coals and not even realize it until the edges of his clothes would ignite.
His lack of funds also affected his diet. He would eat what he could, often not enough, and his health suffered for it. His body became frail and people could smell his horrid breath from blocks away.
He was called many things over his life. Bapu, Mahatma and ** spoiler omitted **.
Hence the inevitable whack to the back of the head ... ;)
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So after decades of research, a team of marine scientists discovered a means to extend life in their test subject, a Dall porpoise by the name of Bertha, indefinitely. The scientists formula was fairly odd and while most of the ingredients were readily available, the key ingredient, the tail feathers of a rare subspecies of mynah bird, Acridotheres africanus, which could only be found on the African savannah, was difficult to come by.
Not wanting to have Bertha resume aging, the scientists flew to Africa and began searching for the elusive birds. After a couple weeks, they found a nesting group of birds in a lone tree on the savannah.
Unfortunately, a pride of lions used the tree as a means of shade, keeping the scientists from their goal. After several days of waiting and the pride remaining in place, the scientists decided to kill some gazelles and try to lure the lions away from the tree.
The lions took the gazelles back to the tree, however, and ate all of them. Having eaten their fill, the lions quickly became drowsy and fell asleep.
Sensing an opportunity, the scientists, sneaked over the sleeping lions, grabbed the birds and carefully made their way back to their vehicle, where they were immediately arrested by a game warden who witnessed the entire thing. They were ultimately charged with
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And in case none of you have heard, Willie Nelson has passed away. He was apparently hit by a car as he was playing on the road again.
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Deep in a tropical savannah, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful.
"It's got to be me," said the hawk. "After all, I can fly and swoop down
swiftly at my prey. You two can't do that."
"Maybe not," said the lion, "but I am certain I'm more powerful. I am fast, have sharp teeth and claws, and besides which they call me the king of beasts!"
"Nope," said the skunk, "got you both beat. Really. With a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you!"
At just that moment, a bear came down from one of the trees and settled the debate by eating them all — hawk...lion...and stinker.
They were ultimately charged with ** spoiler omitted **
That is one of my all-time favorites. :-D
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I knew a guy who was so stupid, he thought asphalt was a rectal problem.
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*moves die to 3*
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The Friars of Florence were behind on their belfry payments, so in order to catch up they decided to open up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
As it turns out, people liked to buy flowers from the men of God. The rival florist across town thought the competition from such a source was unfair. So he asked the good fathers to close down. Since the plan to raise money for paying off the belfry was being successful, they flatly refused. He then begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He even asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. The friars ignored her, too.
Finally, the exasperated rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Frightened, the friars did so, thereby showing that Hugh — and only Hugh — can prevent florist friars.
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The bell ringer for the cathedral in Florence died and the priests were faced with finding a replacement. They posted an advertisement and soon had a long line of applicants. One by one they gave the applicants a test run, but none compared to the lost bell ringer.
At the end of the third day, an armless man walked up to apply for the job. The priest conducting the interviews was a bit shocked.
"My son, you have no arms, how will you pull the ropes to make the bells ring?"
"Just let me show you," replied the man,"Take me to the bells."
With that the priest led the man up the narrow, winding stairway to the belfry. The man paused and then started slamming his head into the bells to get them to ring.
And did those bells ring! The most beautiful music erupted from the cathedral. People stopped in the streets of Florence to hear the lovely melody.
When the audition was over, the priest wiped a tear away from his eye and said,"My son, that was the most amazing music I have ever heard. The position is yours."
The man was overjoyed and jumped to click his heels together. His landing however, was awkward and he stumbled, falling through the opening in the floor for the bell ropes and crashed to the cathedral floor, dying instantly.
An acolyte ran up to the body and called up to the priest.
"Father, this is terrible! He is dead! What was his name?"
The priest replied:
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Follow up to that one:
At the funeral service, the poor man's brother introduced himself to the priest after the service and asked if he could take over the bell ringer job. Aghast, the priest immediately declined. "I can't imagine the grief your family must be enduring. What if something were to happen to you too? How could I put them in that position?"
The brother shook his head. "Unlike my brother, I have both my arms, and will have no difficulty ringing the bells." He further explained that the family was in quite dire financial straits, and that this would truly help out. After a few moments of discussion, the priest relented and let the brother try his hand at the bells.
In the tower, the brother astonished the priest by taking a running start and jumping over the empty space below, grabbing the edge of one of the bells, whereupon it started to ring as he dropped back to the platform. At a breathless pace, he ran back and forth between the bells, ringing them in perfect sequence. The priest was amazed. If anything, it was more lovely than his brother's performance had been!
At the end, however, tragedy struck again — the brother reached for the last bell and it rang, but missed the platform and crashed to the cathedral floor, dying on impact.
Horrified, the acolyte rushed up to the body and cried out, "Father, this is terrible! He, too, is dead! What was his name?"
The priest replied, "I'm not sure, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
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A good pun. That's its own re-word.
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I think we're in the negatives now =)
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Oh, I thought it was a d100.
A pair of twins was given up for adoption immediately after birth. One of them is adopted by a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.
Years later, after much searching, Juan finds his biological mother and sends a picture of himself to her. Upon receiving the picture, she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. But then she reasoned, since they're twins, if you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
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*picks up Giant D20 of Bad Pun Intolerance*
*throws die at zylphryx*
*picks die off the floor*
*places die on 9*
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Do you want me to link more Bugle pun runs... There is one where John Oliver starts pleading to be killed....
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Why are Spanish actors barred from entering pubs?
When dining at a restaurant, you should always look over the bill when the waiter brings it to your table to see if Egypt you.
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A man pulled in to a roadside diner. He ordered coffee and started looking at the menu. He thought breakfast sounded good, so he ordered the Eggs Benedict. When his meal came he looked at the waitress strangely and asked, "Why did you serve it on a hubcap?" She replied, "Well, honey, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
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The human cannonball at the circus was set to retire. The owner was beside herself at the news: "But you can't!" she shouted. "Where am I going to find someone of your caliber?"
As fate would have it, the human cannonball who replaced him was hired and fired the very same night!
