I'm posting this here to see if I'm headed in the right direction with my scenario, any feed back is as always appreciated. My current idea is set in the Mwangi jungle and opens with the Gm reading the fallowing to the players.
“As my end draws near it is one of my few regrets that I was never able to complete my investigation into the ziggurat and its mysterious stone, which I found so many years ago. I endeavored to revisit the site and bask once again its mystery and magnificence, but alas it seemed that every time I started to go back something would come up that would hinder my leaving or otherwise thwart my. So it is one of my dieing wishes that my fellow Pathfinders investigate that site which the locals I discovered have no name for, as there customs prevent them from traveling there. The page regarding my discovery of and map to the site is on page 330 of this journal. I shall rest easier with the knowledge that having mentioned this to you the ziggurats mysteries may yet be unraveled for rare is the Pathfinder who can resist the pull of the unknown for very long My best regards to you my fellow Pathfinders, Cyrus Raulls.” Final entry of Raulls journal.
Naturally the scenario revolves around arriving at the aforementioned ziggurat.
Let me know if I'm on the right track with this.
I'm posting this here to see if I'm headed in the right direction with my scenario, any feed back is as always appreciated. My current idea is set in the Mwangi jungle and opens with the Gm reading the fallowing to the players.
“As my end draws near it is one of my few regrets that I was never able to complete my investigation into the ziggurat and its mysterious stone, which I found so many years ago. I endeavored to revisit the site and bask once again its mystery and magnificence, but alas it seemed that every time I started to go back something would come up that would hinder my leaving or otherwise thwart my. So it is one of my dieing ...
I stopped reading here. You have a lot of run on sentences, and the typo spelling error ended it for me.
Sure an expedition to a Mwangi Ziggaurat is a good premise, but as written the expedition is goal of someone dead, not the PCs. They need a hook for their story.
Standard hook for pfs is easy at least. Drandle Drenge wakes you up in the middle of the night and sends you on some totally non time sensitive errand :-)
I'm not asking about the grammar or spelling this is a rough draft. I'm more interested in the hook, and the concept. In short the hook is that the higher ups have sent the PCs to investigate the Ziggaurat. If you read the whole thing it has the hook, pretty much right after you stopped actually. Once again sorry about any grammatical errors, I just don't want to invest to heavily into something that is going completely in the wrong direction. As is I've got the lay out pretty much done though not set in stone. Breaks down something like this
1 Begin in a small village PCs gather info and supplies.
2 Journey through the jungle fallowing the map in the journal.
3 Combat outside of the ziggurat with a small group of Charau-Ka.
4 Reach the ziggurat and the goal.
I have fleshed it out quite a bit more but that's the basic break down.
|
I'm not asking about the grammar or spelling this is a rough draft.
If you'll forgive me saying so, the more you practice writing formally, the less you'll have to work at it.
The concept of writing your quest over the journey and ending at the ziggurat's doorway might be an interesting commentary on the life of a Pathfinder. It seems a bit experimental for a first submission.
You have 2000 words, in which you've decided to include a creature that needs a full stat block of 292 words. Your handout is 176 words. That doesn't leave you much space - maybe another 2 1/2 pages. I suggest carving your outline down significantly: start after leaving the small village, work out a short boxed text and some skill checks for the journey (ideally something that takes more time to run than words to describe), then do as much as you can to make the combat encounter zing.
Ya I figured that if I hit close to my word limit the first thing to go would be the village bit , considering it's only function was to be a launching point for the PCs, and a little bit of foreshadowing.
... I just don't want to invest to heavily into something that is going completely in the wrong direction....
Funny, that is why I stopped reading. :) No offense meant, I actually did read the whole thing, but a professional would not. It does not matter what the story is if they will not look any farther.
There is really no hook except to fulfill the "wishes" of a dying man. Pirate Rob is technically correct in the players hook is "I said so", but the PFS needs a reason. The players/PFS would want to explore the ziggy why? What is the mystery? What clues to the mystery exist? Why is it magnificent? What is the stone--why is it important enough to be mentioned? Why is Raulls obsessed with it?... 4 Reach the ziggurat and the goal....
The outline you added later does not address the need to explore the ziggy, only the finding of it (the 'goal' is to reach the ziggurat). The dead man has already done this. In short the plot of the story is missing or at least can be written as: travel from point A to point B. Perhaps the mission is for the PF to prove the accuracy of the map (based on your outline)?
Again the Mwangi expedition you have described can work, but I think A) the writing prevents anything from becoming clear, B) the plot is not present in the sample offered, and C) doesnae match the hook you offered later.
If you look at most of my threads on these boards, you will see I am big on writing and critique and, hopefully, encouragement. I am no pro, but I hope I gave you something solid to improve on. If not my apologies :) Please keep going though, the seed is there & I am happy to help if I can. :)