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Just when you think you know me
And I give you credit for being on the ball
Christmas rolls around, I open your gift
And I see, you don’t know me at all
So if you don’t listen to anything else
That I say all year long
Pay close attention to this
Because it’s my real holiday wish
STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
Forget the Clapper, I don’t need to turn my lights off from bed
I don’t want a Chia Dog, a Chia Sheep, a Chia Cow, or a Chia Head
And don’t get some movie on video that’s been marked down to $3.99
You wouldn’t want to watch this piece of junk, why do you think I want to waste my time?
Now here’s something that cuts me to the bone:
You order a subscription to Sports Illustrated,
You keep the magazine and give me the stupid football phone.
And I don’t need Abs of Steel,
Buns of Steel,
Richard Simmons’ Deal-a-Meal
Or absolutely anything made by Ron Popeil
STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
(Chorus)
Stop giving me crap for Christmas
Useless crap
Stop giving me crap for Christmas
I don’t need a radar detector, a compass, or a dashboard Jesus
Or my intestines bound up by a box of Hickory Farm Cheeses
I don’t need the Showtime Oven that cooks, like, 2 ducks, 12 garlic bulbs, and a turkey
Or a food dehydrator if it dries fruit or beef jerky
And please, no wall-mounted or counter-top spice racks
Or the Ab Roller, Ab Slide, Ab Rocker, Ab Dolly or the Torso Track
No calendars featuring supermodel bimbos or babies in hats
And no Christmas music by the Jingle Dogs or the Jingle Cats
And ask me my size.
I’m tying my shirt so my fingers don’t even poke out of the sleeves
And hey, isn’t this the fruitcake Uncle Mike gave you last Christmas Eve?
And if you’re even remotely thinking about getting me that singing, joke-telling, wall-mounted bass,
Just remember what that rhymes with, because that’s where I’m gonna stick it.
STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
(Chorus)
Alright, listen up.
I don’t want anything proceeded by the word “decroative,”
Anything that comes with a stuffed bear or a troll doll that says “I love you.”
No electronic devices that, when you push a button, say things like “Hey stupid!” or “Up yours!”
I don’t want a pasta maker, a bread maker, a juice maker, a waffle maker, sandwich maker, salad maker, label maker, be a maker, wine maker,
Sausage maker, ice cream maker, pastry maker, salsa maker, coffee maker, sun tea maker
If I want that stuff, I’ll buy it
I don’t want anything that chops, beats, grinds, purees, minces, or slices
Cubes, shreds, blends, seperates, juliens, or dices
No 2-gallon bottles of generic shampoo “Now with 10% More!”
And nothing advertized with the slogan “Not available in any store!”
You know, they say it’s the thought that counts,
So instead of making me cringe every year with what you bought,
Let’s call it even forever and stop at the thought.
STOP GIVING ME USELESS CRAP FOR CHRISTMAS!
(Chorus)
Forget about the one-pount Hershey Kiss or the big pack of Life Savers,
And no smoked almonds in a dozen obscene artificial flavors,
I don’t want a subscription to “Fielder’s Dreams,” “Sailing,” or “Understanding Zen,”
And I stopped wearing pajamas when I was ten
And if you’re thinking of anything from an infomercial by Tony Robbins, Body by Jake, Don Debris, Mary Lou Harris, Susanna Summers or Billy Blanks
I got two words for you: “No thanks!”
Here’s something not to get me:
A coffee mug with a slogan that says something like,
“Don’t talk to Bobby, he hasn’t had his coffee yet.”
You’re an idiot!
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Just like most of us are still listening to the same music we loved in high school, 20 years ago, parents can't help but think of us as little kids still running round underfoot, and they gift us like we're still those little kids. Once you have kids, it's easier to understand.
Friends who know us, and I mean really know our tastes, are often limited by two things: we tend to buy for ourselves the things we really like; and the things we like but can't afford, they can't afford, either.
Kids, especially the young ones, usually do a pretty good job of buying us that one thing we want but won't buy for ourselves; we probably don't have anywhere to put it, but here's a case of the thought-cliche being true. Those World's Greatest mugs tend to be bought by someone else on behalf of the kids, so blame likely goes to the spouse on that one...
The spouse who buys you that Warhammer Deathwatch Collectors Personalized $300 rules book is a rare bird, indeed--with all respect, if she knows what that is, you've got a special mate! So don't hold it against her when you get a watch or a bottle of cologne instead--you probably aren't very good at combing the internet for this year's Gucci and Burburry Special Edition Handbags yourself.
Lastly, Party Gifts are almost always throw-aways: how many of us really wanted to attend the office Xmas party anyway? Just look around... I bet everyone is glancing at the clock.
Here in America we have the proud tradition of "re-gifting". That work associate of yours who's an avid golfer gives you a "golf lover's gift set" for Christmas? And you've never chased that little white ball in your life. Throw the box into the closet for a year or two, then re-package it and give it to the other golfing fanatic you know on your spouse's side of the family. Gift problem solved, you didn't spend any money, and you didn't throw anything away. That's the new definition of thriftiness.
As long as the work associate and the spouse's relative never meet, they'll never know the difference and you come out ahead. Keeping the receipt doesn't work anymore, so you have to be more crafty than in the past.
My mom wanted to get me a Bingo set. A BINGO SET. I tried to explain to her that I was 32 and would NEVER want something like that and she honestly was perplexed, stating over and over again that she would have loved a bingo set for x-mas. For years, I thought I was some horribly greedy, selfish person for being percieved as greedy around my birthday and x-mas(which are usually the same week). Now, I see that it's just because my mom has been giving me bad presents my whole life. My wife thinks my mom needs to take drugs in order to have a personality.
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Luckily this year I avoided the whole debacle of useless christmas gifts. Since I'm moving to the UK this year from Canada I simply explained that i will not be taking 90% of my belongings since shipping the crap isn't worth the money to just buy new, so don't get me anything at all. Just spend the money you would have spent on me on a local charity of your choice that way you won't have thrown it away. The family listened and I got no christmas presents that would go to waste.
...Party Gifts are almost always throw-aways: how many of us really wanted to attend the office Xmas party anyway? Just look around... I bet everyone is glancing at the clock.
Hey! The last office party/seekrit Sanity Claus gift I gave was a tin of premium hot chocolate mix, a half-dozen Norman Love chocolates, a mug (for the cocoa) with her favorite character on it, and a full bottle of extra-strength tylenol (she worked on the customer service escalation team). The gift was very well received and put to use.
However, a few days later (on my birthday) I did receive a meeting with the head of HR. Apparently, "distributing any non-prescription medication" was an offense and earned me a written note in my personnel file.
So, to sum up: office gifts can be good; HR managers are nearly universally Eevill(tm).
So, to sum up: office gifts can be good; HR managers are nearly universally Eevill(tm).
"Do you have any Asprin, 'cause you are giving me a headache."
To your HR, not you.
...Party Gifts are almost always throw-aways: how many of us really wanted to attend the office Xmas party anyway? Just look around... I bet everyone is glancing at the clock.Hey! The last office party/seekrit Sanity Claus gift I gave was a tin of premium hot chocolate mix, a half-dozen Norman Love chocolates, a mug (for the cocoa) with her favorite character on it, and a full bottle of extra-strength tylenol (she worked on the customer service escalation team). The gift was very well received and put to use.
However, a few days later (on my birthday) I did receive a meeting with the head of HR. Apparently, "distributing any non-prescription medication" was an offense and earned me a written note in my personnel file.
So, to sum up: office gifts can be good; HR managers are nearly universally Eevill(tm).
Idiots. Complete, total, utter idiots.
The spouse who buys you that Warhammer Deathwatch Collectors Personalized $300 rules book is a rare bird, indeed...
And, once again, I feel compelled to tell this story on these boards...
In 2000, I took a glance at D&D 3rd Edition, and said "It's too complicated for me." Later that year, I took my fiancée to a Wizards of the Coast retail store (remember those?) to show her some D&D stuff, because I intended, once we were married, to play it with her at least once. The lady working at the store gave us a sales pitch for 3rd Edition. After we left the store, I told my fiancée "I have no intention of trying 3rd Edition. It's too complicated, and I have plenty of 2nd Edition material to use."
I thought that was the final word on the matter. After all, she didn't seem to care about RPGs at all, so what should she care about edition? Imagine my surprise when she got me a 3rd Edition Player's Manual... for a wedding present! I mean, we're Orthodox Jews, and I was expecting to get Judaica-related stuff (and in fact, she got me that too.) But a D&D manual?!? I guess that lady's sales pitch must have worked on my wife after all.
So that was the only reason I gave 3rd Edition a chance at all. After trying D&D for a couple of sessions, my wife quit RPGs altogether, complaining that she didn't "get it." I found 3rd Edition too complicated myself, and would have given it up, but then my old friend said that HE wanted to try 3rd Edition, so we began a campaign that was to last for over 3 years. After the first few months of that campaign, I had to admit that once you get past the learning curve, 3rd Edition is addictive. In fact, I came to think of 3rd Edition as THE D&D. I could never go back to 2nd Edition again.
I continued to use that 3rd Edition Player's Manual for over 8 years. Even when I got the complete 3.5 core rulebooks, and learned 3.5, my friend wanted to stick with 3.0. When Pathfinder RPG came out, I switched to that, thinking that I would no longer play 3.0... but then, unfortunately, changes in my life forced me to quit my Pathfinder RPG games. But later, when I just wanted to dabble, I did it with 3.0 again, using that same old 3.0 Player's Manual my wife had bought me over 10 years before. That gift just kept on giving.
But to get back on topic, I do hate it when people complain that I, or my wife, got them inappropriate gifts. Especially when they complain "Is THIS all you think of us?!?" If they're going to complain, why should I bother giving them anything at all?
My mom wanted to get me a Bingo set. A BINGO SET. I tried to explain to her that I was 32 and would NEVER want something like that and she honestly was perplexed, stating over and over again that she would have loved a bingo set for x-mas.
Now if someone gave me a gift like that, I would start giving to that person gifts like an introductory RPG set.