At work last Friday I found a compilation of some really bad jokes and decided to share them with you guys. Of course, many of you will probably have heard of them prior but I make no claims to be able to generate excitement with this thread.
:)
Of course, feel free to add some and improve upon my list if you so desire.
So, I will start with a few REALLY bad jokes in the hopes that someone somewhere might find one or two of them the slightest bit amusing.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses
Anymore or will I be forced to keep posting poor jokes?
Well, it seems I am forced to add more myself. So be it.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Exactly where you left him.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
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A long time ago, a famous ship left port with a cargohold full of one of Mexico's favorite condiments. Mayonaise.
Several weeks later, it became known to the Mexican people that this ship, the RMS Titanic went down catastrophically. On the day that the news was spread to the public, a national tragedy was declared.
That day was Sinko da Mayo.
Yeah! Contributors! No fair! You are not supposed to post better jokes than mine. :( J/K
That calls for a celebration:
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko
Why don't blind people like to skydive?
Because it scares the dog.
What do eskimoes get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
[threat] More to come![/threat]
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A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!
But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out!
The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out!
The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.
By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.
The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
Bad joke thread? I need say no more than the following:
Why did the Pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because they wore their belt buckles on their hats.
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I was driving along the Thruway the other day, and up ahead of me was a bunch of turkey buzzards. It looked like they were in the middle of my lane, so I changed lanes to go around them. Then, just before I got to them, they all scattered.
Well, one of them must not have been too bright, because he flew right in front of me instead of the other direction. I didn't have time to hit the brakes, so he smacked right into my jeep. He dented my hood, rolled up it into my windshield (cracked it real bad) and flipped right over my roof.
And landed on the hood of the Police car driving behind me!
Then, to add insult to injury, the Police Officer pulled me over and gave me a ticket.
...For flipping him the bird.
How come the skeleton couldn't go to the halloween party?
Answer:
Why did the blonde go to the post office 23 times in one day?
Answer:
RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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When I as actively teaching middle school students, I would begin most classes with a homework check. Normally, I liked to use that time to talk to the students , see how they were doing in sports, or such. But for those situations where I had nothing of interest to ask the student as I was checking his or her assignment, I had a large collection of very quick, kind of dopey jokes.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
Where do otters come from? Otter space.
Who was the most fuel-efficient explorer? Columbus, who got 8000 miles to the galleon.
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My wife sent me these recently via e-mail so I thought I would share.
AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED..
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's when the fight started....
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap. That's my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's when the fight started....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95. Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face cream..
And that's when the fight started....
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my SIN The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home..
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started....
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started....
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 170 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started....
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
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Guy goes to the pet store.
Buys a parrot.
He takes the parrot home, and it curses him up one side of his head and down the other.
So he says to the parrot, "okay, I know I just bought you. You're disoriented. That's okay. Tomorrow, though, you better show some respect or you'll see what happens....."
So the next day he comes home.
Parrot tells him all sorta stuff he didn't know about his mother.
"That's it, parrot.....you got this comin' to ya!"
So he sticks the parrot in the freezer. For a half hour.
So he reaches into the freezer, pulls the parrot out,....
little parrot's all shivering,
he's got an icecicle hanging off his beak....
So he says, "NOW what you got to say, smart guy?"
Parrot says, "I ain't got nuttin ta say."
"That's what I thought, parrot."
Parrot looks at him,
"I just got one question though: what'd the chicken do?"
Thanks for the jokes, everyone. I distributed the "and that's when the fight started" jokes at work and they were appreciated. I will probably throw in some lame jokes later this evening.
Keep 'em comin'.
Directly from Fallout 3:
*I was going to the clairvoyants' meeting, but it was canceled due to unforeseen events.
*Did you know that the best contraceptive for old people is nudity?
*It is common knowledge that irradiated cats have 18 half-lives.
*Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"
*Photons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
*I once visited a crematorium that gave discounts to burn victims.
*Two atoms are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron." The other asks "Are you sure?" To which the first replies, "I'm positive."
*A neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a drink?"
To which the bartender responds, "For you, no charge."
*War does not determine who is right
- only who is left. (Actually a quote from Bertrand Russel)
Thanks Archlich.
OK, now for a few bad Tiger Woods jokes if that is OK 'round here. :)
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?
Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.
What course gives Tiger the most trouble?
Intercourse.
Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he has ever had...
So, Gillette has dropped his contract.
Til next time,
TTfBtE
Check out this joke:
Note: This is not a Rick-roll.
I remember that happening. Younger people might not quite understand how funny it was at the time but us old dogs (I assume) do.
:)
Why was the wall moulding in the house down the street so brightly coloured?
