John McCain is pulling out of America, according to two unnamed Republicans, a stunning move a month away from Election Day that indicates the difficulty Republicans are having in finding blue states to put in play.
McCain will go off TV in America, stop dropping mail there and send most of his staff to more competitive countries, including Russia, England and France.
A McCain aide confirmed the move and chalked it up to America's Democratic tilt and the resources Obama had put in place there.
"It was always a long shot for us to win," said the aide.
McCain will now turn his attention to bolstering his defenses in England and France while putting more resources into Russia, Germany, Italy and the Virgin Islands, where there are more votes available.
Obama's campaign offered a muted response to McCain's decision to abandon America, only promising to keep it in the Democratic column.
"We will continue to fight for every vote in America, because middle class families there just cannot afford more of the same," said Obama spokesman Bill Burton.
Republicans had been bullish on America, hopeful that McCain's past success in the country in the 2000 primary combined with voter dissatisfaction with the Democratic Congress and skepticism among blue-collar voters about Barack Obama could make it more competitive.
But recent polls have shown Obama extending what had been a small lead, with the economic crisis damaging an already sagging GOP brand in a nation whose economy is in tatters.
A McCain event planned for next week in America has been canceled.
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John McCain is pulling out of America, according to two unnamed Republicans, a stunning move a month away from Election Day that indicates the difficulty Republicans are having in finding blue states to put in play.
McCain will go off TV in America, stop dropping mail there and send most of his staff to more competitive countries, including Russia, England and France.
A McCain aide confirmed the move and chalked it up to America's Democratic tilt and the resources Obama had put in place there.
"It was always a long shot for us to win," said the aide.
McCain will now turn his attention to bolstering his defenses in England and France while putting more resources into Russia, Germany, Italy and the Virgin Islands, where there are more votes available.
Obama's campaign offered a muted response to McCain's decision to abandon America, only promising to keep it in the Democratic column.
"We will continue to fight for every vote in America, because middle class families there just cannot afford more of the same," said Obama spokesman Bill Burton.
Republicans had been bullish on America, hopeful that McCain's past success in the country in the 2000 primary combined with voter dissatisfaction with the Democratic Congress and skepticism among blue-collar voters about Barack Obama could make it more competitive.
But recent polls have shown Obama extending what had been a small lead, with the economic crisis damaging an already sagging GOP brand in a nation whose economy is in tatters.
A McCain event planned for next week in America has been canceled.
We should ALL be so lucky...
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We should ALL be so lucky...John McCain is pulling out of America, according to two unnamed Republicans, a stunning move a month away from Election Day that indicates the difficulty Republicans are having in finding blue states to put in play.
Funny, I thought it was the other guy who was holding campaign rallies and fundraisers in Europe.
Funny, I thought it was the other guy who was holding campaign rallies and fundraisers in Europe.We should ALL be so lucky...John McCain is pulling out of America, according to two unnamed Republicans, a stunning move a month away from Election Day that indicates the difficulty Republicans are having in finding blue states to put in play.
What are you implying?
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What are you implying?Funny, I thought it was the other guy who was holding campaign rallies and fundraisers in Europe.We should ALL be so lucky...John McCain is pulling out of America, according to two unnamed Republicans, a stunning move a month away from Election Day that indicates the difficulty Republicans are having in finding blue states to put in play.
I'm not implying anything, just making an observation. What are you infering?
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Bella Sara Charter Superscriber
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Is this the thread for our favorite political story from the Onion? Because here's mine:
"Over the past few days, I have traveled all over your state and met many of you. And what has impressed me most is that no matter where I have gone, my reaction has been the same: 'Oh, God, get me the f&$! out of this dump,'" said Gore, who alternately referred to the Keystone State's 12 million residents as "animals" and "ghouls." "From Pittsburgh to Philadelphia, from Erie to Easton, the places and faces of Pennsylvania stand in direct opposition to everything that makes America great."
Gore went on to tell the assembled mill workers that he "couldn't care less" if he loses Pennsylvania's 23 electoral votes, so long as he "never [has] to set foot in this steaming dungheap again."
Raising his voice and pointing at the crowd, Gore continued: "During this presidential campaign, I have had the opportunity to criss-cross this great land. At each stop along the way, I have been deeply touched by the courage and conviction of the American people. But, holy crap, you people are craven, gutless cowards. I haven't the slightest clue what base and hideous interests of yours I could possibly defend as your next president. I do not even vaguely know what drives you subhuman pig-men, but I am sure I don't want to know."
Later in the day, Gore made an appearance at the Johnstown Agriculture Fair, at which he served as judge in the Sorghum Queen pageant. The vice-president was overheard making numerous inflammatory comments off-microphone, including, "Get these b&+$&es out of here" and, "This is someone's idea of an attractive woman?" One contestant, attempting to present Gore with a bushel of Pennsylvania apples, was reportedly waved aside with the words, "No. No f&+~ing way."
Gore concluded his day on the steps of the State Capitol in Harrisburg, where he lowered the Pennsylvania flag, shredded it with a large hunting knife, and urinated on the shreds. He then delivered a speech in which he shared the tales of numerous Pennsylvanians he had encountered during his travels through the state.
"Of all the stories I have heard on this trip, none has touched me more deeply than that of Karen Swendeman of New Castle," Gore said. "At the young age of 18, Karen married her high-school sweetheart Jeff. Not long after, she gave birth to twins. But less than a year later, her joy turned to the deepest grief when Jeff was killed in a foundry accident. As young Karen looked into my eyes and whined, 'Oh, Mr. Gore, I can't afford this, I can't afford that,' I felt my very gorge rising up the back of my throat. I mean, why do Pennsylvania's stupid broads go and get knocked up like that?"
Continued Gore: "I also recall Herman Eisler of Shippensburg, who fought bravely in the Second World War and raised a family in a house he built himself. When the Social Security Administration failed Herman–because, I don't know, he needed some pills or something and couldn't get them–he turned into a bitter, pathetic shell of a man that no one could stand to be around. What a loser."
"And, finally, I recall Philadelphia's Martin Shaughnessy, who, at the ripe old age of 98, has been Independence Hall's caretaker for the past 60 years–the longest anyone has held the auspicious post," Gore said. "And, between you and me, that old crank will talk for 10 hours straight if you let him and not say anything that makes any sense whatsoever. That dude is senile, big-time."
Added Gore, "And what's the big deal with the cheesesteak sandwiches? They taste like s!++. I wouldn't feed them to the dogs they're probably made out of."
Turning to sneer derisively at members of the Monongahela Drum & Bugle Corps, whose 225 members stood nearby on the steps of the capitol, Gore wrapped up the verbal assault.
"Every second I spend in this dark and evil state is sheer agony," he said. "A second feels like a week in the presence of you monstrous non-people. I would have left Pennsylvania long ago, but I wanted every last one of you grubby, ass-faced animals to realize exactly where you stand in the food chain. You are not a part of that chain. You exist outside of the human community, and when I am in the White House, I will make sure that the whole nation–indeed, the world–understands that fact with no ambiguity. I will not represent you. I will not defend you. I will allow and even invite any nation to invade and destroy this horrible graveyard of the soul. To hell with all of you, and good riddance."
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I can't decide between this:
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Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, one of the most powerful businessmen on the Prime Material Plane, recently granted himself powers normally available only to deities and demigods.
Among the most striking increases were a +2 raise in dexterity to 18, and an overwhelming charisma increase to an above-human score of 20, placing Gates in the realm of deities and demigods.
"I am pleased to announce that I have boosted my already impressive statistics," Gates said in a statement to shareholders Monday. "As we develop the technological framework that will dominate the 21st century, these augmentations--and others to follow--will be powerful wards against competition from the likes of Netscape, Oracle and Melkor who is named Morgoth."
"Microsoft is the software-industry leader today, and tomorrow it will also dominate the realm of information access, as well as the content being accessed," Gates said. "The continued growth of our Corbis Media archive, the successful development and launch of MSNBC, and my mastery of the shield spells of the Elven King Lagolin are only the beginning for Microsoft."
Gates, who raised his intelligence to 20 in 1990, is fast becoming the most powerful CEO in American media. Experts place him above Fox's Rupert Murdoch and Disney's Michael Eisner, both of whom hold over 1.2 million hit points. Gates is also rumored to be in possession of a bag of holding containing one terabyte of information, as well as over 100 billion gold and silver pieces.
Analysts see Monday's statistical boost as extremely beneficial to Gates in an increasingly competitive marketplace.
"This is a very shrewd move on Gates' part," PC Magazine columnist John C. Dvorak said. "His vastly increased charisma--the prime stat of a chaotic evil executive--will help him tremendously in his ongoing struggle to convince skeptical Microsoft stockholders that his ventures into television and his massive content-buying spree will pay off in the long run. The extra CHR will also assist him greatly in dealing with wary CEOs of companies he wishes to invest in and cast spells over, like Comcast."
"It hardly seems fair, but he will now be capable of near-invisibility in behind-the-scenes business dealings," Dvorak added, referring to the stealth augment which comes with a dexterity gain. "And at the same time, he'll wear Mordekainen's Spectacles of True Sight, which provide +6 insight gains into long-term Windows marketing strategies."
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Bill Gates' revised character sheet.
While few question the wisdom behind Gates' stat increases, there remains a possibility that the Federal Trade Commission, which in 1996 ruled his licensing agreement with computer manufacturers to be in violation of anti-trust laws, will challenge the move. Even if the FTC rules against Gates, however, industry analysts believe that he should easily recover, thanks to his above-average 15 constitution.
Gates' rivals expressed frustration over his ability to achieve invulnerability in a supposedly competitive market. "Combining this augmentation with last month's purchase of the Polo Shirt of Thalkettoth, which grants a +5 saving throw against anti-trust litigation, Gates should now be seen as operating outside the law," Apple CEO Dr. Gilbert Amelio said Tuesday. "One more sorcerous potion of Gain Market Share, and we might as well declare bankruptcy."
"Anyone can be a Santa Claus DM and give out unearned stats," Oracle president Larry Ellison said. "I'm surprised he didn't just go ahead and give himself a 20 in everything."
With overpowering statistics in all six ability categories, with the exception of strength, Gates is widely considered to be primed for the Kingship.
"Certainly his campaign could be crushed if he made a mistake," ABC computer correspondent Geena Smith said. "But let's be realistic. He's got 40 million experience points dating back to when he dropped out of Harvard. His party has done nothing but kill and acquire for 22 years. He knows when to cast versus when to hack-and-slash. He will be the emperor lich of 21st century media."
and this:
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Outraged citizens of Pleasant, NC, are banding together in protest of a pornographic video that they say is a far cry from the "Two-Hour, Wall-2-Wall, Deep-Probing, Ass-Flesh F#@&-Fest" promised on its box.
"Are we as citizens expected to just sit back and allow this sort of garbage to go on?" said Pleasant school board president Edwin Thistlewaite, during a protest this morning at City Hall. "I paid to see chicks getting f&@%ed in the ass, and that's what I want. I think I speak for all decent Americans in saying so."
"This is false advertising, plain and simple," agreed area resident and mother of two Janice Ferguson, speaking before an assembled crowd of more than 1,500. "My husband and I have both viewed this piece of trash, and believe me, it barely even shows bush until at least 20 minutes in—a far cry indeed from the 'Non-Stop Carnal Cum-ucopia' advertised on the box."
Over shouts of agreement from the crowd, she added: "Is this the sort of hardcore pornography we want to see in our homes? I think not! I say the people of Midvale County deserve better!"
Though the controversial film, Butt-F@@~ Sluts Go Nuts Vol. 29, does contain some graphic depictions of anal intercourse, the citizens' group asserts that the film does not even come close to living up to the box's claim that it is a "Two-Hour, Wall-2-Wall, Deep-Probing, Ass-Flesh F$@%-Fest." The group is demanding the inclusion of drastically more explicit prurient material before it will back down.
"I rely on tapes like this every day to provide me with the vicarious, onanistic anal thrills I crave," area dentist and anal-pornography enthusiast Dr. Gus Ferbacher told reporters. "I stroked myself for over an hour, and I barely even got it up once. Where's the stuff I can really pump my meat over: the double penetrations, the all-lesbian strap-on dildoing, the spread-eagled, six-finger bend-overs? That's what I want to know."
Parents' groups from throughout the state are echoing the local protesters' complaints. Said Sandra Hamm, director of the Center For The Family in nearby Plovis: "There are, what, eight or nine chicks in this movie and maybe two of them take it in the ass, tops," Hamm said. "That's utterly unacceptable."
Pleasant resident Charlotte Kendall voiced her concerns at a town meeting held Monday night in the basement of Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church. "If we can't trust the manufacturers of hardcore pornography to tell us truthfully what kind of explicit sex we can honestly expect to see, then who can we trust?" Kendall said.
Though legal scholars say that objectionable material has proven difficult to legally prosecute in the past, they believe that this time the protesters may have a case.
"The videotape is clearly inferior to comparable releases, not only in the tame, unexciting way the sex acts are performed, but in that the performers themselves are not particlarly good-looking," University of Chicago law school dean and noted censorship expert Henry Lattimore said. Pointing to a nearby television monitor displaying a scene from the video in question depicting two women shaving each other's pubic regions, Lattimore said, "Just look at these chicks. They're not hot at all."
Even more critical of the tape is North Carolina Fifth Circuit Judge Roy A. Beers. According to Beers, though some scenes do depict what is obviously rear-entry, or "doggie"-type intercourse, it is unclear whether the penetrations are in fact anal or merely vaginal. "Without tight, close-up insertion shots of lubed-up, slippery cock actually pumping the rectal opening, we cannot be 100 percent certain whether these scenes constitute legitimate butt-reaming or simply an attempt to pass off standard, vaginal f#!+ing as that of the butt-reaming variety," an opinion paper submitted by Beers to the North Carolina Supreme Court read.
Lawyers representing Video Villa defended the tape's content. "Young, eager sluts are clearly visible spreading their hot, wet pussies and bungholes," attorney Leslie MacKinnon said. "Furthermore, throughout the course of the video, interracial lesbian three-ways; solo female masturbation; and penetration with a variety of dildos and vibratory devices are all well represented. In view of these facts, my client feels that his customers are getting their three dollars' worth."
Edit: The second story contains material that may be offensive to some individuals.
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Is this the thread for our favorite political story from the Onion?
Mine's an oldie, but unfortunately a bit blue. NSFW
I'm not implying anything, just making an observation. What are you infering?What are you implying?Funny, I thought it was the other guy who was holding campaign rallies and fundraisers in Europe.We should ALL be so lucky...John McCain is pulling out of America, according to two unnamed Republicans, a stunning move a month away from Election Day that indicates the difficulty Republicans are having in finding blue states to put in play.
I am not "inferring" anything, I was asking a question. Since you didn't name "the other guy who was holding campaign rallies and fundraisers in Europe," I am forced to "assume" you were "implying" that it was Obama. He did give a speech in Germany, and 200,000 people showed up on their own. Maybe you should be more specific next time. That is all that I am saying.
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I am not "inferring" anything, I was asking a question. Since you didn't name "the other guy who was holding campaign rallies and fundraisers in Europe," I am forced to "assume" you were "implying" that it was Obama. He did give a speech in Germany, and 200,000 people showed up on their own. Maybe you should be more specific next time. That is all that I am saying.
I assumed that Obama's speech in Germany was common knowledge, and there for people would know who I was talking about. I also assumed that it was common knowledge that George Clooney help a fundraiser for him in Switzerland, since Entertainment Tonight did a story on it. Next time I will be more clear. I was simply trying to maintain the spirit of humor of your original post.
My favorite political Onion story dates from when it was print only.
"George Bush Pops Woody at UN"
It was during the Bush I administration. As I recall, the restrained Japanese diplomats were offended at the display, but Arab nation delegates, who prize virility, were said to be impressed. The Secret Service were in the process of getting Barbara Bush ready for a quick insertion to resolve the crisis, but the woody faded before she could be deployed.
Thank you Sebastian and David for the Pennsylvania and adult video stories.
I havent laughed that hard in a long time. I apreciate it :)
Ditto! Funny stuff!
Now if we could just get all of the politicians to pull out the US wouldn't get pregnant! I mean, it works sometimes doesn't it? ;-)
