| ranter101 |
So, update. I chatted with player three last night. I apologized (and I think this is the core) for taking sh*t too seriously. We initially spoke of the game and listed, quite painfully, transgressions that were perceived and factual. I think he and I are good on a social level, not fixed, but good. I think I can pull off a mental reset with him. In talking with him I realized there was nothing I could tell him to change that I am also not guilty of. Future talks will tell if he took into consideration anything I said. I didn't really get that vibe though.
In-game, there are things I want to accomplish. There are genres that I am very interested in. The other's aren't. I get that. Player 3 is incapable of feigning interest. And that sounds bad I know. And the only reason why I mention that is that I have embraced his interests. I have tried some things of his and he has influenced me. When I try to share, I'm shot down immediately. Again, these are the personal issues that are affecting my attitude. Going back to in-game, I live with the knowledge that I will never get to try the things that interest me. Even if I try to port them in, it's seen by player three as time wasting fluff and he'll relentlessly push the game forward. I treasure story, setting, lore. That's my game. That's what was being taken away from me in Vince's discussion that started this whole mess. I need to know the sky is blue, the Chalaxians are who they say they are, that space is deadly without a spacesuit. We are all products of our environment, my characters are no different.
I like to play Dwarfs, they are a proud industrious race who drink a lot, eat a lot, war a lot, and accomplish a lot. OMG, being able to play that and be a part of that is my cup of tea. I'm was playing a Dwarf Pirateer in the last game. We're technically pirates, but I'm not an evil dude. I like movies where evil loses in the end. I hate scary movies, I hate tragic movies, I like where good wills out. That's how I play. So am I incapable of playing a evil dude? I say yes. Am I incapable of playing a neutral dude? Again, probably yes.
And maybe I missed the signs.... In our mid-week discussions, we always talk about player 3's interaction. Vince and P3 hang out long after I leave the game at the end of the session. I am naturally curious as to if P3 had any comments or issues. What scenarios could be devised to help him get his need for progress while still giving lore, etc.
When this week's discussion kicked off with a statement that the next game is not going to have any lore, or any setting and that I cannot play my play style because I'm an arrogant a*$+&%*, I was a bit taken back. Discussions up till now have been about P3's needs in a game and how to temper it, empower it in a RP way, or how to redirect it. I took this immediate shift as a personal attack against me. I reference back to my third sentence above.
I have other character concepts that I have interest in. Not all are arrogant, it really depends on the setting which I choose. My Halfling? My human? My Elf? My Ratkin? What is the world I will be interacting with? Medieval, modern, future? But now I am told that I, me, am an arrogant a!+%!#% and I better make sure I play something else... Well, f*ck off. I respond to attacks with attacks. I respond to negotiation with negotiation. I respond to reason with reason. I am a pretty straight forward guy. I am also tactful, if I feel I might offend a friend or stranger, I keep it to myself. I am mindful of the personal choices we each make, even though I don't agree and in some cases, I rage internally at them.
There are external influences too that I have a hard time leaving at the door. In fact, I dare say they only come through the door. I've helped P3 IRL moving and such, we get along great. I've helped Vince IRL, we get along great. I am fortunate to be in a position to help my friends when they need it. It's only at the table where I feel I am due some consideration that I feel I am getting short-ended. Of course, I don't ask for these things when I help out. I don't say "sure, I'll do this, but I expect that in return." But in truth, I do expect something.... Again, mindful of my friends, their hardships, their hobbies, the only real way to do that is at the table. I've worked very hard in my life to ensure that when sh*t goes wrong, I have a plan in place so it doesn't affect me. I lie awake at night worrying because of the things I cannot plan for, the death of one of my children for example. I have no contingency, I have no plan... I know this is kinda "duh" but it drives me nuts. So at the table, I feel like I put up with a lot that I shouldn't have to. Going back to the thing about me keeping it to myself. Well, it was affecting my attitude and I wasn't realizing it.
I'm not going to apologize for myself anymore than I already have. But I think I have identified a lot of my problems and I will be working on them. I'm the don't worry be happy kinda guy, but not many realize it's a facade to hide the things I do worry about.
So, I hope I can salvage my friendships here, Lord knows I'll need them as some large events are taking shape in my real life. But, I do think I also need a break from the table. I've hid from real life more than I should so it might be time to buckle down and take care of some sh*t.
Thanks to everyone for their opinions and patience as we brought our soul searching to the public.