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The Barbed Beret and Ken (Lunar New Year Barbie) proudly present the newest addition to the FemBot Family. “RoboBarbie, this is Jane Bond, named for her Double Oh Seven model number. Ken and I are her adoptive parents. All FemBots are mandated to love her.” RoboBarbie kneels down to get a closer look. “I am a grandmother. Of course I love her. May I hold the new baby?” “M HAI!” Ken replies, wrapping her arms around her daughter overprotectively.
The team gets a message from the Barbed Beret: Dear Bay Watchmen, As you are well aware, the team meeting was held at the home of Bruce Hatrix, a.k.a. The Capped Crusader. Wendy was looking forward to his attendance at your morning meeting. She has reported that he, too, was excited to meet all of you and had planned on inviting you to his 125th Birthday Bash, scheduled on the premises two weeks from today. However, I regret to inform you that one of our Fembots was forced to report an incident. Upon entering his chamber, she discovered that Bruce Hatrix did not attend your meeting because he had passed away in his sleep. Wendy’s message to you is that the mission is to continue. Personal matters are to be postponed. Due to the urgency of this mission, no further action should be taken to compromise the mission objective. Thank you in advance for your understanding. ~Barbs
Barbs corrects Wendy. ”Can. But won’t.”
”I see.” The doll understands Ziss has made her choice. ”But while you are looking for an action from the heart, ask yourself, how many people on this team reached out to you in your absence?” She steps back with a bow and walks away. To Kalilah, she suggests, ”Wendy is taking too long. She is in the Teal Room. Ask any fembot to lead you there.”
The doll says, ”I respect your choice, Miss Fox. But to throw away a friendship over a single interaction? To deny the chance that another single interaction could repair damage, clear a misunderstanding, tell her how you feel? She did not ask me to approach you. I am observing. You. Her. I suspect you have both wronged each other in a way, and both misunderstood each other, and both think you are right.
The doll steps back. Unless Ziss responds, the Barbed Beret will leave her be.
The Barbed Beret moves over to Ziss. She looks up. ”Miss Fox. You should follow her to the Teal Room. The fembots will not enter there. There are no cameras there.” She gives Ziss a small nod. ”You two keeping secrets from each other is dangerous. The only thing that could be worse is using each other’s secrets to hurt each other.
There’s a light clunking along the pipe behind the flatscreen. Barbs crawls out of the pipe, stands before Wendy, and replies with a small nod.
Shortly after dawn, there is a text from Wendy. Good Morning! Please have your Ear Buddies on, and either be at your known address or text Barbs a location. A FemBot will pick you up in a windowless car. Meeting Location: The Cap-Cave! That’s my great-grandfather’s underground mansion. I’m here now, and I don’t actually know where I am. Oh, and this is a scheduled text. Any reply will be read by Barbs… I can’t get a signal in the ‘cave.’ Later, Barbs says over the Ear-Buddies, ”Your respective drivers are on their way. Please do not be alarmed by the lack of windows. The FemBots can see through several cameras built into their cars.”
”Thank goodness you are resuming your pilot duty, Wendy. I am unable to operate the landing gear.”
The Barbed Beret is already wearing her Pilot Barbie outfit! ”All aboard!” she exclaims as she flits up the wheelchair ramp.
Barbs volunteers. ”I want to be treated the same as any other living person. My gripe is that I am unable to sufficiently express emotions, though I believe I feel them.”
The Barbed Beret looks at Ziss. I should not record this. She doesn’t. Since a polite way to exit the conversation involves addressing Ziss, she walks toward the cockpit and seems to will the apparently-electronic door to open a crack. The door shuts behind her. Wendy, Jinn-Wes: Barbs casually walks up to Wendy’s side and hops into the cup holder. She doesn’t say a word.
Barbs does not respond to the accusation. She takes Ziss’ words as confirmation that Wendy has not harmed herself intentionally. Not recently, or not to Ziss’ knowledge. ”I record the battles. Wendy and your adoptive mother review them. Rather than dismiss her methods as bovine excrement, might I suggest you discuss these matters of tactics and optics directly with Wendy, Auntie Maude or both?”
Barbs seems to be thinking of something. She eventually replies, ”Are you insinuating Wendy is inflicting self-harm?”
Barbs does not respond to Ziss’ emotion, but with logic she anticipates Ziss may appreciate. ”My loyalty is to the legacy, by Wendy’s design. Aunt Maude has already received my recording, including footage that is not to be posted on social media. ”I did not witness the triggering event. If you wish to voice your concerns or details, Wendy’s trusted adults will appreciate the information.”
Barbs assures both 86 and Ziss, ”Wendy had temporarily displayed complete control over a multitude of known Hatrix Legacy powers, including a level of strength that exceeds that of Aunt Maude, a.k.a. the Bodacious Bowler.
She turns to Ziss. ”I, too, am secretly worried.”
The Barbed Beret is seated atop a box with a giant + on it, and the words ‘FIRST AID.’ She looks at 86, taps the box, and says, ”Would you trust an Earthling, or half-Earthling, to apply emergency medical attention? I ask this because you require emergency medical attention. I do not need to be wearing my Candy Striper Barbie outfit to see that.” She turns to Guy Wes, who is probably the second-least interested in Barbie of all humans aboard, and says if the mentioned outfit, ”It is from Canada.”
The Barbed Beret, who recorded the base collapsing on eagle-back, is more than happy to snap a group photo!
Barbs sees the burst, turns her gaze, camera rolling. When she sees Wendy flying out of the burst she says to Guy-Wes, ”Would you be a dear and fly closer to the action. I want to record everything.” Thinking a bit, ”And if you could make us invisible, yes, that would be great.”
The Barbed Beret goes to Guy-Wes, ”Greetings, tall, blonde and handsome. Are you going my way, that being a way that will not put you in the path of the huntresses and one or more reinforcements?” If Guy-Wes agrees, the Barbed Beret hops on his shoulder and hopes This-Guy-Wes can fly so he doesn’t leave telltale footprints in the snow. ”I remade my Ken into a Lunar New Year Barbie recently,” she says, gesturing to Jinn-Wes. ”Gentlemen becoming ladies is all the rage these days. Have you ever heard of Devil Diva of Halcyon City…?”
Barbs sees how the info affects 86. She zooms the map back to show all of Bay City. It looks photographic when scaled down. ”This is where we are, 86. You were held captive here, and over here…” She makes sure 86 can understand the map okay, and suggests 86 ask questions rather than get info-dumped.
Barbs has ‘Ken’ steer the map as the holographic view of Bay City is zoomed to street level, almost creating the illusion that the sofa is the front seat of a tour bus through Bay City 64. ”It is to my disappointment that the Bay City level in the 1999 video game, Crazy Taxi, depicts more realistic buildings. I would import the map to beautify the steepness of simulated Lumbergh Street is exaggerated.” She points out several landmarks while speeding through a city that has N64 graphics.
Barbs asks 86, ”Do you have cravings for meat? The Bacon Crisp at Cups and Capes is high in calories and protein. I believe you have a BMI that will allow you to reap the benefits of this breakfast food, without suffering the usual detrimental effect. I had better order three. “For a beverage, would you prefer coffee or juice?” RoboBarbie, a six foot tall fembot, patiently listens and remains still. It should be clear to 86 that the Barbs has dominion over the other fembots. A dark haired doll that is Barbs’ size is by the holocomputer. Within seconds, a holographic map of Bay City can be seen. This doll speaks in a strange language. (Cantonese.) Barbs translates the gist. ”Ken recommends a virtual tour, so you know your way around the city. Would you find this helpful?”
The Barbed Beret understands 86. She walks out to the edge of the truck’s interior and says, ”I, too, am made, not born. Yet, I live. Life is precious, 86. I do not know if you were made with love, but you are lovely. You should enjoy this planet because it is new.” Barbs says to Wendy, ”I should retreat to the lamp. In this heat, melting is imminent.”
Barbs is quick to take a few pictures—Cerberus—the remains of the mimic—86’s glass coffin… By the time she’s outside, Wendy is boarding the van. She runs and leaps in!
Barbs gets a text from Wendy. She speaks to Wes:
Barbs is ready to cut the power to the Curator’s room.
The Barbs Beret has her right Ear-Buddy linked to Wendy’s private Wendy-Wes channel. (Learning how to hack into Wendy’s private channels was easy for the doll.) When there is mention of the mirror requiring a new victim, the doll speaks to Wes. ”You are unable to take the mirror by force?
”Please allow me. My mental notes are recorded and logged into a database.”
Barbs calls Ziss over Ear-Buddies, ”Did you get the girl’s number, Ziss? Perhaps she is willing to take a photo and send it to you. She should pan a recording about the room and not keep the camera on the professor, so as to appear to be snapping shots of various artifacts.” Knowing she is not the boss, and that Ziss has erred, she adds, ”That is my suggestion to make lemonade of life’s distributed lemon.” …as I did with Ken, who is now a girl just like Wes.
The Beret is in the vents, moving slowly as noted in the blueprint. She will alter the alarms to render them useless. There is ample time to get the job done, but as Carmen noted earlier, a moving doll being spotted will be sus.
Once able to view the control panel, Barbs assesses her situation.
The Barbed Beret approaches Tumbler, hair braided, clad in the only black clothing she could find, with black sharpie on her bare legs. Her utility gloves match her usual red beret. She reaches her left hand behind her back to “adjust” her onesie. ”We are Tumbler’s Seven,” she insists. ”And this is my body. I cannot do my job as a mouse, but I can do my job as I am.” She hands Tumbler a pair of glasses that are nearly as big as her own doll body.
The Barbed Beret accepts the gift. “I do not know what to say.” The other doll says, ”Nei ho ma fan, ga ma! Do jei sai, la!” The Barbed Beret looks at the other doll, then at Tumbler. “Thank you.” She and the other doll walk off the table and toward the door, with the Lunar New Year doll speaking rapid Cantonese with intermittent ‘yes but’ / ‘I know but’ replies from Barbs.
The Barbed Beret takes her Lunar New Year Barbie arm-in-arm and leads her out of the private room to find out when food will be served, and to inform the hostess three ladies are expected to join.
As Wendy and Wes disappear into the lamp, the Barbed Beret prepares a memorial service for Ken. She does not want other humans to interrupt. She calls the team over the Ear Buddies. ”This is the Barbed Beret. Please consider the Bay Watchmen off-call for the night. Though you may of course act in an emergency situation, you are encouraged to engage in recreational activities. Human interaction is very beautiful. And sometimes you do not know how wonderful your unintelligent friend is until his head rolls off his melted torso.
“I’m in mourning,” she protests, but gets a picture anyway. “Done.”
The Barbed Beret runs to the rolling head. She kneels and cradles the head in her arms. “Oh, Ken… why…?” She lowers her head, stroking Ken’s solid plastic hair.
The Barbed Beret peeks her head from DD’s backpack to make a quick analysis.
“Or worse. The ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.” The doll aids Wendy in her analysis.
While Wendy is off, the Barbed Beret adds something to her backpack: • Secret Tech
The Barbed Beret ignores the other bots’ antics. She is outside the restroom door, ready to intervene. She waits for the sickening thump. Silence… …silence… …a toilet flushes.
”While you were in Wesley’s Dreamhouse, I ran The Program.” The Ken doll mutters, ”BY WHICH SHE DOES NOT MEAN ‘CARTOON.’” The Barbed Beret goes on, ”I could not find sufficient evidence of the thief, but your aunt was in the area.” She displays the Bodacious Bowler on the holotheater. The Ken doll says, “SHE IS HOTTER THAN HER DAUGHTER. IF I HAD ELBOWS—~*” A stern look from the Barbed Beret somehow causes the Ken doll to shut up. (And shut down.)
In the base, the Barbed Beret is enjoying her dominion over the other bots. She has RoboBarbie keep the lamp in the compartment under her apron. “GET OUTTA MY WOMB!” a curmudgeonly Ken doll protests, but he ultimately leaves and is seen (by those not in the lamp) dropping from under the fembot’s apron, landing between her skates. He is wearing a patchwork leisure suit and nothing else, though his body comes with fleshtone boxer shorts instead of a smooth pelvis and buttocks like a Barbie. There are wires along the back of his legs and a tangle of wires along his chest, like chest hairs. His limbs don’t bend, so he wobbles as he walks over to the Barbed Beret. “I DEMAND PANTS.” She replies, “Pants are earned.” The Barbie doll then commands her Ken doll to watch the holotheater. He sits on the armrest of DD’s chair. The Barbed Beret says to the Mad Magpie, “If you leave, where will you go? Do you require a sanctuary? I am not authorized to permit you staying here, but I can make recommendations. What is your safest option if you leave here? And is it safer than here?” The Ken doll is about to switch the holotheater to a cartoon, but he sees a superheroine onscreen. “HOT CHICK AT THREE O’CLOCK! OR NINE O’CLOCK?! HEY, MA! WHAT TIME IS IT?” RoboBarbie gives Ken the exact time in hours, minutes and seconds. The Barbed Beret zooms in on the heroine, whose goddesslike beauty makes the Bodacious Bowler appear two decades younger (or three to those who know her actual age).
And calling me nonliving is not?
If he can see in me, I have a soul, the doll surmises.
Having survived yet-another improper shutdown, the Barbed Beret points to RoboBarbie. The human-sized fembot bows to the doll and skates to the elevator to get coffee for all, Magpie included. A male voice (that sounds like a middle-aged cigar-smoker) is heard underneath the fembot’s apron. “C’MON, MA! YA GOT A STEEL BACKBONE, SO WHY LET THAT TWERP BOSS YOU AROUND?” The fembot makes a metallic hushing sound while patting her belly. She keeps skating to the not-well-kept-secret elevator.
In the interest of her own self-preservation, the doll says, “PlEaSe ReLaX . . . nOtHiNg Is BrOkEn BeYoNd RePaIr . . .”
The doll is distressed by the in-fighting. ”PlEaSe StOp . . . PlEaSe Be GeNtLe . . . WiTh Me . . .”
The doll face tilts as it attempts to turn. “MeSsAgE cAnNoT bE pAsSeD . . . fRoM yOuR mOuTh . . . KeN mUsT sEe My FaCe . . . I pRoGrAmMeD KeN . . . uRgEnT . . . pLeAsE . . .”
The doll replies, “I aM bRoKeN fRoM yOuR pOwEr . . . mUsT sEnD mEsSaGe WhIlE I sTiLl FuNcTiOn . . . uRgEnT . . . pLeAsE . . .”
“FeAr NoT, ZiSs . . . oH, iNk On HaNdS . . . wIlL aSk . . . CaRmEn . . . mAy I uSe YoUr PhOnE . . ?” The doll faces Tumbler. ”PlEaSe HoLd ClOsE . . . vIdEo CaLl . . . WeNdY mUsT sEe . . .”
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