Lordofthenerf's page

Jason Bulmahn wrote:

All honourable mention winners will be sent official Paizo Christmas Hams wrapped in delicious bacon rind and smothered in butter. Overseas winners will be shipped a live pig instead so that their prize does not spoil in transport.

Hams received with bite marks and saliva from Paizo employees are non-replacable.

Wow, I'm going to call mine Sparky!

My lifelong dream of sitting on the porch in a rocking chair with a rifle, tellin strangers that I'm "jest waitin' fer muh peg!" is about to come true.

I think I want to teach mine tricks...like how to air-dry and continually baste himself.

Ham related thefts?!?!

Tragically, Ham-related thefts are the #1 cause of juvenile detention in the role-playing society. In the more third-world areas of role-playing (Utah, etc) there are stories leaking out about some poor gamers selling magic-cards to keep their ham supplies at a tolerable level. Gen Con next year will be supporting a Telethon to take money to airdrop hams and christmas turkeys into Utah, Arizona, and Adelaide (Australia).

Every year homes around the world lose hams to callous ham-thieves. But it doesn't have to be that way.

YOU can help!

For $1 a day, $365 a year, YOU can put a smile on a child's face, bacon on their plate and ham in their sandwiches. So says Hammy the 'So No To Black Market Ham' Ham.

Tragically our delicious mascot Hammy has been stolen...by...uh...umm...a one armed man.....yeah...

<finishes ham off camera>

It's more of a sly wink and a pat on the bum. You do realize that had we not won in previous weeks, the imagery born from this conversation alone would make us ineligible. We would need to wave a LOT of ham in front of people here to distract them for long enough to swipe the cards and make a run for it as it is....

I think we need a new plan B. One that doesn't involve a border run and a string of ham related thefts.

Usually you dress up in large plush costumes when you say things like that. You also give me long back massages and offer me strong drinks...

It doesn't sound like a complaint to me.

Lordofthenerf wrote:

I'm in!

But really only because I've been asked to keep the cards and their sharp edges away from Dragon Magazine staff =)

Good call... I could hurt myself on their rounded corners.. :)

We'll tape 'em up for you, tiger.

Keeping Cards Safe Is YOUR responsibility

The contest ends this Sunday at 11:59pm PST. If you have not entered yet (and I guess that means everyone) now is your chance.

I'm in!

But really only because I've been asked to keep the cards and their sharp edges away from Dragon Magazine staff =)

Phillip the Mask
An Item For Dungeons & Dragons

My name is Phillip.

I’ve been a mask for about six hundred years I guess. I don’t remember my parents, probably since I’m made of clay. I do remember being crafted into my current form by a powerful Archmage, whose hands always smelt vaguely of burning homonculous.

Twenty days of moulding and I was almost ready. The final touch was a glazing in the Elemental Plane of Fire. The Archmage placed me on his face, still hot, to ensure that I would become his visage forever.

That’s when things started to go wrong.

The Archmage hadn’t expected me to be self-aware. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if he was screaming in pain or frustration. Maybe it was both.

He managed to convince a cleric to help him pry me off. I’m sure he felt sorry for my creator in the moments that he stopped laughing. The Cleric even managed to heal over the torn patches of skin.

You think that that someone smart enough to force elemental powers into humble clay would have heard of chin straps.

I spent the next fifteen years in his ‘to be disintegrated’ box.

Was it me? Was I uncomfortable? Was I too clingy? I’ll never know.

Then one day, I was rescued. The Archmage’s assistant, a genial dwarf known as Potluck the Deformed, picked me up and stashed me under his hump. He then ran for all he was worth. My new owner spent the next few days lovingly picking bits of skin and hair from my recesses.

He sold me the next day, and since then I’ve been passed over and around more times than a Long Sword +1 vs Flumphs.

I’ve been stuck to the masthead of a galleon, used as a fruit bowl by a bunch of kobolds, performed the lead role in Robilar Loves Rary, been stashed in a troll’s undergarments for fifteen years and I’ve been owned by so many wizards kids that ‘trick or treat’ has just lost all meaning.

I’m also very useful to own, helpful and a good travelling companion. I’m a Neutral Good Pisces, like travelling and doing crosswords and I can act like a Brazier of Commanding Fire Elementals - except you don’t have to fill me with coals.

Once per day I can create a wall of fire in a ring around me. Three times a day I can cast locate object and faerie fire in lime green or blue, whatever you prefer.

I’m also a decent judge of character (10 ranks in Sense Motive) but a horrible liar (none in Bluff). I have 120’ darkvision and hearing and I can communicate telepathically.

One last note...I think the Archmage might be mad that I'm gone. You might want to watch out for that.

Intelligence 10, Wisdom 17, Charisma 17, Ego 11

Strong conjuration; CL 18th; Craft Wondrous Item, summon monster VI, summon monster VII; Price 117,600 gp; Weight 3 lb.

Good to see it's still currency here!

And a baby unicorn at that...he's so cute, and decomposing! Awww....

[p]

I get to tell everyone I sacrificed a unicorn to win.

Good to see it's still currency here!

If I'm the only one who cheered at lordofthenerf's efficent slaying of Uni the Unicorn, then I feel like a lonely little nerd...

I needed 50XP to level and figured it would tip me over....

I tried to be subtle, but I think I just crushed one of Woontal's childhood memories.

<b>Heart of Vengeance</b>
A Minor Artifact for Dungeons & Dragons

The story of this artifact is really the story of a group of young heroes (a ranger, an acrobat, a barbarian, a thief, a cavalier and an apprentice wizard), who were unwittingly summoned to a magical world from their mundane one through the power of the benevolent Master of the Dungeon.

He gifted them with vastly powerful magical items to aid in their return home, being careful not to tell them that there were there by his will. Whilst their first concern was to return home it soon became apparent that the Master’s arch enemy, a powerful half-breed demon, would not allow them to leave with the items they carried.

Not all the creatures they met in the magical world were so dangerous. On their first quest, they met a baby unicorn who took an immediate liking to the boy barbarian. In fact, the two soon became inseparable.

Many times they came close to finding their way home, however the intervention of the half-demon prevented their return. Finally, frustrated by their repeated failures, the ranger hatched a desperate plan to confront and slay their enemy and his shadow demon minion.

The plan was to lure their enemy into the lair of a five headed chromatic dragon, hoping to weaken him – despite the protestations of the cowardly cavalier. History records that they faced him there, though the fate of the heroes remains unknown.

Whether they returned home or perished, not even the Master of the Dungeon could say. However, rumours persist that the baby unicorn’s horn carries their power and fighting spirit, after having been driven into the heart of the half-demon for whom it was named.

The tragedy is that the half-demon was in truth the son of the Master and that the heroes were brought there to redeem him. His fate also remains in question.

The Heart has seven major powers – one supposedly from each of the heroes and from the unicorn. The Acrobat grants the bearer +10 competence bonus to Jump and Tumble checks. By drawing a circle with the point of the Heart, the bearer can call upon the power of the Wizard to draw items out of a pocket dimension, replicating the effects of both a rust-coloured Bag of Tricks and a Robe of Useful Items (where the patches replace themselves each week).

Each of the following powers can be employed twice per day.
• The Thief: <i>greater invisibility</i>
• The Ranger: empowered <i>flame arrow</i> (enchants arrows to do arcane damage)
• The Cavalier: <i>wall of force</i> (dimensions specified by the bearer).
• The Unicorn: <i>teleport</i> (bearer only)

The final, most devastating power can be employed once per week.
• The Barbarian: <i>earthquake</i>

Strong Conjuration, Evocation, Transmutation. CL: 18th Weight: 2lbs

<B>The Rabalasca</b>
<I>An Unknown Armies Artifact</i>

This armour is, in truth, not actually armour. It’s a sentient being.

It puts some truth to the underground saying, ‘Old Godwalkers don’t die, they just become trophies.’

Filo, body modification junkie, Epideromancer and accidental Godwalker of the Misshapen Man, spent thousands of dollars trying to capture a magic mushroom-fuelled nightmare he once had on the most satisfying canvass he knew – himself.

After months of painful back-alley surgery, scarification, branding, transdermal implants to give him horns and a tongue splitting, Filo’s fondest wish finally began to take shape. He used his own powers to gradually change his skin texture to that much like a shark.

However, what he saw as the ultimate expression of art, others saw as a significant threat to their dreams of ascension. As he lay in the tattooist’s chair high on crystal meth, Filo was set upon by a cabal of Epideromancers, who quickly stunned and began to remodel him like a second hand car.

Over the next five weeks they continued their work in shifts till, while still alive, Filo was clearly no longer a man. Satisfied that he would no longer be able to ascend, the Epiduromancers placed Filo into storage. It wasn’t till one of the cabal was lead into the House of Renunciation that Filo was sold to a creature effects company.

Filo is now an occasional prop in creature films (the first being his industry namesake, The Rabalasca), and a mainstay in indie horror flicks much like the Wilhelm Scream is to sound producers.

Close inspection reveals almost tendon-like webbing between the breastplate and shoulder guards. Due to many years of improper use and cleaning, Filo smells rather like rotten eggs.

One day, Filo may die – what keeps him alive for now is the amount of minor charges he’s built up over the last few years. An experienced Epiduromancer could probably siphon <I>minor charges</i> out of Filo – in effect, allowing them to do so without actually being injured.

With more expensive movies, bigger explosions and stunts, Filo bides his time till he is injured enough to build up a <I>significant charge</i>. Of course, it isn’t like his torturers lay awake at night fearing they’ll be murdered by what is essentially a piece of gruesome inventory.

Filo is no longer able to feel, speak or communicate in any meaningful way. The only sensation he can truly feel is pain. Whenever Filo is cut, damaged or injured the wearer may hear what sounds like a muffled moan of pleasure.

How can anyone blame D&D? I don't see any mention of him checking for treasure....

Oh, if anyone wants me, I'll be going to hell now, along with Bill Maher.

Unfulfilled Desire
A Call of Cthulhu Item

This strange ring was inadvertently created in 1497 by the famed Dominican priest and leader of Florence, Girolama Savonarola.

In truth, Savonarola’s crusade to purge items of vanity during the Bonfire of the Vanities was directed at the last remnants of the Medici’s foul worship of the Hastur. His servants went door to door, searching known Medici enclaves, in what could be considered one of the greatest seizures of Mythos related items - all thrown upon the fire at Piazza della Signoria.

What Savonarola did not know was that in his fervour to seize items of one dark god, he was serving another. Roberto di Pieri a fervent priest of the Carmelite order stood in the Studiolo of the Palazo Vecchio across the square, lost in frenzied words of ‘praise’. The crowd died down with the fire and di Pieri emerged from the Palazo, gingerly picking up the ring - one of the few things to survive the blaze intact.

In truth, di Pieri had placed the ring there the night before, at the behest of the tall, faceless man in a tattered robe whom di Pieri took to be a manifestation of Antonius of Florence (who ironically was canonised as the Protector of the Poor in 1523, partly for a similar divine appearance). What grand plan ‘Antonius’ had in mind was not revealed to di Pieri, who put on the ring and spent the rest of his short life selling woeful portraits of his mother.

The ring has the smooth likeness of a snake, with the words ‘senza sacrificio ci non può essere l'arte’ (literally, ‘without sacrifice there cannot be art’) engraved on the inside. When placed upon a finger, the tail of the snake (which is not apparent till in contact with skin) pierces the flesh of the wearer. This causes the slightest amount of discomfort, being no more than accidentally pulling out a hair on the knuckle.

The wearer finds that they are almost divinely inspired to paint, write, draw, compose – just about any artistic pursuit. However, the ring is in no way a blessing.

This fervour is so intense that it often drives the wearer to mania and self-neglect (causing a 1/1d3 SAN loss each week as their nights are filled with dreams of Lost Carcosa). The wearer also finds that whatever creation they set themselves to will never be completed. The muse simply leaves them.

However, it is never ‘the ring’s fault’.

Wearer’s who find themselves at 0 SAN are driven by a violent urge to destroy anything of aesthetic value – except the ring.

Unfulfilled Desire is currently a display piece in the window of New Elegance, a custom jewellery shop in Oak Brook, IL. The current owner, Tamsin Frewer, vehemently claims that she inherited it from her Aunt Gianna but in truth she stole it from poor Gianna’s coffin.