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While we all are sad or disappointed about Superstar being on hiatus, and while we all understand the reasons behind it, I think one of the things that we are saddest about is the sense of loss of community, of not being engaged with voting, assessing, talking design openly.
The community mind set is vast and always produced so many divergent thoughts and ideas that every designer, want to be, new, and old, always learnt something from it.
As someone who has taken part in every season of superstar, starting as a "fan boi", progressing through the years and feedback threads, creating a recognised alias for feedback, I thought to myself
"As a community member, I surely can keep the spirit alive and the community engaged in some way."
So here it is.
This thread is similar to blazing 9, it is kind of a round by round thread where Template Fu, yours truly, is offering some of his free time to critique designs you post to this thread.
Please note that I have a full time job, and am a freelancer, so that free time is limited. This means that I can only review 5-10 submissions a week, usually at weekends, so I request that you only submit something for review if you have every intent of becoming a freelancer/games designer.
Even with that, it is unlikely I will get to review everything, so I invite my fellow superstar forum members to this thread to help keep the designing fun alive and well.
I have only made top 100 in superstar, so my feedback is neither official, nor always correct - it is just guidance in the hope you find something useful in what is said on your designs. And if I do get something wrong, I am happy for you to tell me - so I can continue to learn and grow too!
As I have always maintained through the years, my feedback is always on your design, nothing is personal - I do promise open and honest feedback, even if it might hurt because that is what is best for everyone, open and honest feedback.
My requests for submissions may venture into Starfinder at some point, but for now, I am going to stick with Pathfinder. Around once every month or so, the design task will change giving everyone an opportunity to try their hand at many of the Superstar rounds that have taken place over the last ten years.
I will always endeavour to give a good focus to the thread challenges, maybe picking particular products as your research starting point. The next post I make will be the initial design challenge.
There is no prize or voting in this thread, it is purely a place to discuss design tasks in depth and keep our superstar community alive. Now, I know that posting stuff on Paizo open forums means you are surrendering ownership of that which you post, so if you don't want to do that, I quite understand and fully respect your decision.
That said, having met the people at Paizo, I would expect with their highly professional manner that if you did post something here that they liked and wanted to use, they would approach you directly about it.
I may post the odd thing myself for you to review by return, but the main purpose of this thread is for TemplateFu to keep his claws sharp and his belly full :D
... kidding.
No, really it's for us all to continue to learn and grow as designers and to keep the Superstar community alive and well. I hope you make use of my offer.
I have only one request - please, really, really please, use the templates. Format your entry.
I know we all get antsy about badly formatted entries, but the reason I ask is a simple one... a badly formatted entry will pull my focus away from the actual design and most of your feedback will be "didn't use the template".
It is much easier to critique a properly formatted submission which means that I can review more of them in the same amount of time. Thank you so much in advance.
The challenge posts will always be all bold so that you can see when a new challenge starts. I will also post an all bold "challenge closes in two weeks" post and a "challenge closed" post so that you can have some deadline practice too. Each new challenge will then be made approximately 7-10 days after each challenge closed post to allow everyone I time to catch up reviewing those last minute submissions.
So, watch for my next post, it will be our first design challenge. I think I have a good one, and yes, for old times sake, and as a nod to the Superstar we know and love, it will be for wondrous items.
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Design a compelling wondrous item, in 200 words or less, for use with the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game, using the Item Creation guidelines on page 548 of the Pathfinder RPG Core Rulebook.
The wondrous item must be suitable for a Fey/First World based campaign. Those submitting items for review are encouraged to look at the Campaign Setting supplement The First World, Realm of the Fey for inspiration. Do not post "generic" items, the item must be closely tied to the Fey/First World
Entries must be submitted to this thread until such time as a "Challenge Closed" message is posted by TemplateFu. Submissions posted after the closure post will not be reviewed. A two week warning post will be made prior to the challenge closed post.
The entire submission, including the title, must not exceed 200 words. Oh yeah, real old school word count for this one - grin. This word limit includes all formatting code. The post must contain the submission only and no other messages, qualifying texts, explanations or anything else. Each submission must stand alone for review.
Do not follow your submission with any such qualifying additional posts either, you must wait to comment only after review and feedback is given. If your submission is not left standalone, it will not be reviewed by TemplateFu.
Forum posts include a Preview button to view what your submission will look like. Please use it before submitting for review.
Presentation
Use the presentation for magic items found in the Wondrous Items section of the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Core Rulebook (page 496).
You should not use ALL CAPS for any part of your wondrous item submission, even when it appears that is used in the core rulebook. That is just a font, so don't make things all caps, keep it reader and reviewer friendly.
"ZZ" is a placeholder to indicate you should replace that text with appropriate information for your wondrous item.
When posted, your base format should look similar to this...
ItemName
Aura ZZstrength ZZschool; CL ZZth
Slot ZZslot; Price ZZ gp; Weight ZZ lbs.
Description
ZZItemDescriptionParagraph
Construction
Requirements ZZfeats, ZZspells, ZZotherrequirements; Cost ZZ gp
NOTE: You must use the format from the Core Rulebook, not the graphical magic item format used in Ultimate Equipment.
DISQUALIFICATION: Submissions may not be reviewed by TemplateFu for the following reasons:
- Submission is not a wondrous item.
- Submission is not tied to the Fey/First World requirement.
- Submission was posted after the "Challenge Closed" post for this challenge.
- Submission exceeds 200 words.
- Submission is not formatted per the Core Rulebook format.
- Submission does not conform to the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game.
- Submission is not standalone, has qualifying additional posts made prior to review feedback posts.
- Submission is copied from a previously published source.
- Submission has been previously submitted to RPG Superstar.
- Submission uses rules, monsters, or copyrighted material from publishers other than Paizo.
On your marks...
Get Set...
GO!
This Challenge is now OPEN
This challenge is open to ANYONE - this includes previous winners and finalists, it includes Paizo staff and freelancers, absolutely anyone is welcome to have a try.
Enjoy.
I look forward to reviewing your submissions.
I thought about separate threads, but I suspect other Superstar machines will probably create their own thread and link back to this one. I have no problem with that - it is very much in the spirit of the annual threads anyways ;)
I decided not to split the challenges up, so that way you only need to bookmark the one thread. We will see how it goes and if it becomes a problem, I can always link from the end of one thread to the beginning of the next as each challenge gets made seems a good point for that if we go that way. I also didn't want to flood the superstar forums with even more threads too.
So let's suck it and see as they say. :D
And yeah, I have archives of all the rules threads and templates for every year, so challenges will include some templating examples - the only problem is I cannot stop the forums acting on the bb codes which is why the format example looks formatted in the post. >.<
As for the prize line, I am still considering some sort of "pick a Paizo product up to 10 bucks if I choose you as my "Challenge Favorite" - just need to do some sums and see what sort of response we get here. So that may yet change to "some sort of prize entirely at my whim"! :P
I will probably use my normal TemplateFu feedback template I used during the competition, everyone else is entirely welcome to follow it, your suggestion or make up their own. The important thing is to provide feedback. Well.... and to have a go as well! :D
So you can experience deadlines :P....
Challenge 1 - Two Week closure warning is scheduled for Friday 20th January 2017 - (12 days away at time of posting).
Challenge 1 - Closes on Friday 3rd February 2017 - (26 days away at time of posting).
the next two weeks will be reviewing and feedback posting for me and everyone else who wants to join in.
Challenge 2 - Announcement will be on Friday 17th February 2017.
It's probably worth mentioning that you cant get eliminated if you take part and you can dive in and out of every "round" that get's scheduled. So you have a great opportunity to try many different design tasks over the course of this thread.
Each round will have a theme of some sort, and I am hopefully choosing popular areas for you to play in, design for and enjoy.
One thing I missed in the rules of the round
I will only review your first submission in each round, no multiple submissions please.
That way everyone gets a fair go. If you have multiple submissions, pick your best for this thread, and by all means add the remainder to the blazing 9 thread for peer feedback. Its a great thread to practice in and a lot of old faces and winners pop in there offering advice and feedback! :)
Example feedback can be seen here. :D
Mask of the Three
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 11th
Slot head; Price 30,303 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
This mask covers the entire head with green felt that is heavily embroidered with blue knot work. The mask bears three oaken faces; one of a young maiden and another of a wizened crone. A middle aged motherly face lay between the previous two faces. The wearer can see through every face on the mask.
While wearing the Mask of the Three, the wearer gains All Around Vision and can act normally during Surprise rounds. In addition, if the wearer is a worshipper of Magdh, they can cast certain spell-like abilities based on which face is worn. Each face must be worn for at least 24 consecutive hours before gaining abilities. You can only possess one face’s ability at a time.
Maiden: Bestow Fortune 2/Day.
Mother: Glyph of Warding 1/Day. Only one glyph can be active at a time. If another Glyph is created in this manner, the first glyph dissipates.
Crone: Eyebite 1/Day (DC 16)
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Items, three of the following: bestow fortune, countless eyes, eyebite, glyph of warding; Cost 15,151 gp
Charmcloak Brooch
Aura faint illusion; CL 3rd
Slot neck; Price 7,800 gp; Weight —
Description
The milky opal centerpiece of this brooch is cut to resemble an eye and is set in an enchanted maple leaf which folds over the gem when its magic is activated.
With a command word and a wink, the wearer of the brooch can select an inanimate object weighing 5 pounds or less within 60 feet and turn it invisible, as per the spell invisibility except that the wearer of the brooch can still see it. If the object is in a creature’s possession, the creature must succeed a DC 13 Will saving throw or be unable to sense the object or activate any of its magical abilities. If the object is being wielded, the wielder automatically succeeds on the saving throw to remain aware of it.
The brooch’s effect ends when it is used again, it is removed from the wearer, or an hour passes, whichever comes first.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, invisibility; Cost 3,900 gp
Nice, two submissions for my weekend already. Thanks.
Mask of the Three - 193 words
Charmcloak Brooch - 172 words
Yes, I'm checking! :P
I just realized that I could have shortened the description paragraph in my item. Instead of "The mask bears three oaken faces; one of a young maiden and another of a wizened crone. A middle aged motherly face lay between the previous two faces.", it could have been "The mask bears three oaken faces; a young maiden's, a middle aged mother's and a wizened crone's."
I will start reviewing in a couple of days, I just need to complete re-reading of the firstworld sourcebook first so that I can review from a firm footing.
Okay, here goes the first entry, hopefully in some semblance of structured order… and I may make mistakes, so do jump in and correct me if you spot anything obvious. I will also be reviewing with a mind set of how the item might fare as an actual Superstar entry, so there will be some mention of voting public, perceptions of the competition and the like.
Name Line
An easy to remember name (good) giving a clue to what the item is or does (very good), it just isn’t very exciting (keep working on it – naming is hard).
Uses the overused “of the” construct, one to be wary of as some Superstar voters do not like such names and so it can be a deciding factor for some people up-voting your submissions.
Aura Line
Perfect template use on this line, well done.
You have an item requiring 4 spells to create. Eyebite is by far the strongest spell at 6th level requiring an 11th level wizard to cast, so CL is perfect.
As the strongest spell, it should be the overriding aura over the lesser spells. You could include them all, with three listed as faint and one as moderate, but just showing the moderate aura is a good choice - BUT - the aura of eyebite is necromancy and not transmutation!
Also, I couldn’t find in Paizo products/PRD searches – Bestow Fortune – I think you meant Borrow Fortune? I did the search this way as most voters who check spells will search for them in this way. So always double check your spells are official Paizo spells and that they can be found on the PRD by searching on the name of the spell in the PRD search box.
Slot Line
Perfect template use on this line, well done.
The price feels a little high to me for what the item does. Pricing is one of the hardest things to do on a wondrous item, being a mix of hard maths and gut feel instinct.
You should also notice that wondrous item prices are normally rounded to nearest 10, 100, 500, 1000 and often don’t include the material cost unlike weapons, armor, etc. So at minimum, I think you should have shown the price as 30,000 and cost of 15,000.
I can see this price dropping some. One trick to check your pricing is look at items at the same price – at 30k, we have ioun stones, drums of panic, amulet of natural armor +4, so yeah, currently I think this is slightly overpriced and would sit better around the 15,000 to 20,000 mark.
Weight - this is the same as quoted for mask of the skull, so you did well checking your weight matches existing items of the same type. Very well done there.
Description
Excluding the effects table, the lead in description is fully half of the description and rules text, it should be no more than a couple of lines at best. I would also argue that by saying the mask covers the entire head, this is more of a hood than a mask.
I am confused a bit by the location of the three faces, do they overlay each other allowing the see through all eyes or do they can appear on 3 of the 4 sides of the hood? I am thinking the latter because of the all-around vision aspect, but would have expected four faces to be truly all-around.
The first power is definitely the coolest one to describe in this instance as the remaining “powers” are all spell in a can and because they are unrelated start to fall into the swiss army knife of item. The best multi-function items keep a tight theme on all the powers they offer, so this one would likely be regarded as swiss army knife by the voting public.
Now, tying the special extra options to being a worshipper of a given deity places quite a restriction on the global appeal of an item and it feels to me like it was added to strength the tie to the first world theme.
That said, you have a good first world feel due to the interchangeable facets of the three faces, in synergy with the constant flux of the first world, so I think the deity aspect can be safely removed.
What is meant by which face is worn, do you mean how the mask is placed with whatever face is the forward face? Should it matter? If you can see out of all faces, then that face can use its power when you choose it as you can see out of it at all times?
A simpler restriction is to only allow targets to be selected by which face(s) have line of effect to them, the orientation of how the mask/hood is worn must then be stated by the player.
The item also suffers from “attunement” / “recharge” mechanisms, which again is looked on negatively by a few of the regular voting public in the competition. If you remove the hood, everything ends, when you put it on, the powers are immediately available – keep it simple.
The formatting of the table is also off – spells are always italicised and non-capitalised like in the requirement line. I think if you say only one power can be active at any time, including derivative effects, then you shouldn’t need to effectively repeat the restriction of the glyph of warding entry.
Requirements
Template use on this line if formatted well, but…
“Craft Wondrous Item” feat name is not plural!
Since the three faces require three of the spells, and the all round vision is accounted for by countless eyes, you actually need all four spells to create the item, so get rid of that annoying “three of the following:” text.
Summary
This is a nice entry that has a first world vibe, which was unfortunately mired with a few component part name issues, a misnamed spell and trying to do a little too much in a single item.
If you drop completely the multi face power aspect and just have a simple but effective hood that gives all round vision and allows actions during surprise rounds, its price will drop a lot and it would become a simpler and more elegant item.
If you want to keep the face aspect in some way, consider having a single power which requires all faces to chant in unison, sing, or cackle to enact it.
I hope you found something useful in the above.
Next one up for the Template Fu treatment is the CharmCloak Brooch…
oh, and tomorrow, the closing challenge warning goes out! ;)
Just two weeks to Challenge 1 submission deadline folks!
I'll be posting the next review tomorrow.
You have just 10 days left to submit before the deadline, inclusive of today.
Due to time zone differences, on the last day for submission, I will post a 4-hour and 1-hour warning on the thread to make it easy for all to know when submission closure is imminent. I will do this for each and every challenge.
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Sibling's Shadow
Aura faint enchantment and illusion; CL 3rd
Slot shoulders; Price 4,750 gp; Weight --
Description
A diaphanous, dark haze, a sibling's shadow is literally crafted from shadow stuff and as long as it is worn the wearer is considered to be in dim light. Wearing the shadow confers a +1 competence bonus on all saves and Stealth checks. As a standard action the shadow can be cast off, causing a brilliant burst of light that causes all creatures in the area to make a DC14 Reflex save or be dazzled for 1d4 rounds, and gives the wearer a +1 moral bonus on all attacks, damage, skill checks, and saving throws against fear effects for the remainder of the encounter. The shadow is destroyed in the process. It must be worn for 24 hours before this ability can be used.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, flare, guidance, moment of greatness, vanish, creator must have the Fey type; Cost 2375 gp
Contributor
,
Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Boxhead
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Il'l poke my nose in here from time to time. Just to see what's going on. And maybe say something. Who knows? I'm not terribly important either, really, but I do have a say in what Wayfinder does, and I do love a contest.
Now we have the Charmcloak Brooch…
Name Line
Perfectly formatted, no weird tags, and all bold. Nice.
Ok, from the name, I am expecting something to do with enchantment charm, on a brooch that clasps a cloak around the wearer’s neck. On scanning the description, I do get such a thing, but there is no hint to the main cool power of the item in the name, which means this item runs the risk of “what was that item called again?” stumbling blocks during game play.
I am also not sure about joining charm and cloak into a single word, the Superstar voters might react adversely to this sort of naming, it's also a little clunky to read out loud and consistently splits into two words when spoken aloud. One to be careful of I think.
Aura Line
Perfect template use on this line, well done.
So we have illusion as the aura, faint is the perfect strength for the spell, however the duration of one hour is a little problematical. The spell invisibility has duration of 1 min per level, so I would need to be a 60th level caster to get an hour from it.
The item itself has immense utility during combats, which often last for 10-15 rounds for a major battle, so minutes in this case would make more sense for a duration - 3 minutes at 10 rounds per minute for a 3rd level caster equals 30 rounds - which is probably plenty long enough for most encounters.
I understand that by making it an hour long, you are trying to give non-combat utility to the item, but secret chest is a better in game option for longer hiding of stuff - as described later in the description review...
Slot Line
Perfect template use again.
Your slot choice and item weight are consistent with existing brooch items, this consistency is noted by the voting public, so well done on that.
Checking the price tables for wondrous items in the 7,000 range, we find prices of 7,000, 7,200, 7,250, 7,400, 7,500, and then 8,000 – which means the price you quote sets a new price point. As there is a greater variation of prices in the existing items at this level, I don’t think this price would be a problem for the voters and scanning the items at those price points, you actually offer something different and unique at that pricing, so that is good too.
I think I would actually have set the price to 7,500 gp (adjusting the cost to be half that) to marry up to two existing items, but in this case, I am not bothered by the price, it is double the cost and it feels right for the item and effects.
Description
The description is short, evocative and tells me exactly what the item looks like, I can picture it easily in my mind’s eye. That said, the description does fall into a potential trap – it describes and “animation” of the object when the magic is triggered, the leaf closing over the eye.
The problem with this is that having scanned the entire description, it is not clearly indicated when the leaf reopens again – does it stay closed for the duration of the effect (i.e. it can’t see the item so neither can anyone else), or is it mimicking the wink activation?
So we have an activation of “Command word”… now the core rules specifically calls out command words as a method of activation, and as far as I can tell through PRD searching is that wondrous item descriptions are worded with “Activating the…”, “On activation…” etc. So, I already start feeling uneasy seeing this old school activation description, let’s keep going…
Secondly there is a wink, which also places the item into “Use-Activated”. I can’t think of or find an item that is both command word and use activated. It feels clunky and actually a little silly… “rogue spots chest on table, winks at it, chest disappears, pal walks in and asks who or what the rogue is winking at”. By winking, you are making the activation of the item much easier to spot in game, so I would lose that part.
Now, the fact the use can see the item breaks the invisibility spell rule… “neither you nor your allies can see the subject, unless you can normally see invisible things or you employ magic to do so.”. Now, wondrous items are special items that subtly break rules for specific cases, so after considering that you might have added true seeing as a construction spell, I think that this special case is not a major problem.
But, you then go on to describe the item becoming non-interactable, almost ethereal in effect. Interacting with invisible things grants a saving throw, so making the enemy fighters sword go invisible, it feels odd that he doesn’t still feel the item weight still in his hands, or does he drop it because he cant interact with it. Has it become ethereal?
This part of the power needs something in the construction, maybe utilising secret chest which puts things onto the ethereal plane, in fact secret chest would be a better choice as it would explain both not being able to see the target item and that you can’t interact with it. The fighter wouldn't feel the sword because he simply isn't holding it anymore. It would also remove the need for the brooch wearer to see the item, as the brooch wearer can retrieve the item from the secret chest at any time per the spell effect.
The very last line could be where you add something about the leaf opening.
Requirements
Not a lot to say here, perfect template use, cost is half the price. There is nothing here the voters would find wrong with the item.
Summary
A perfectly formatted entry that has some great fun potential in game play. I could definitely see myself voting for this one a lot had it been an actual entry in the competition.
Next one up for the Template Fu treatment is the Sibling’s Shadow…
oh, and ONE WEEK left to challenge submission closing date…
Thanks for the review Anthony!
I'll touch up quickly on a few things, namely my intent in design here:
Name: Yup, I see how in an RPG, the word "charm" is associated with mind-affecting magic far more than with trinkets. I was thinking to myself, "It's an item that cloaks charms - charmcloak!" but I could do better naming here. I considered "feycloak" and similar, but thought that would be too on the nose for the challenge.
Duration: As you've mentioned, there's usually a twist on spells in items, and you can see that I was going for out of combat usage here. Make the guard's key invisible, make the noble's seal invisible, to delay them (and maybe distract their forces as they're called on for help), then after some time they find that the item was there all along, not stolen. You're right, that I should've written in the closed eye animation reversing when the duration is over.
Activation: There are some items that call out command words. If people don't notice the command word, they probably won't notice the wink, but if they do, I think it would be a fun situation for RP. This item is meant as a "fool me once..." type thing, so PCs can start to figure it out when it's used against them often, and likewise NPCs. Of course in most situations, NPCs that oppose the PCs die, so they won't face the item multiple times.
If the object is wielded, ex. the fighter has his sword in his hands, he automatically succeeds on the save to know his sword is still there. That's written into the item.
I forgot about Secret Chest, I definitely would've considered it as a spell requirement if I'd known about it. But the item is not meant to actually whisk objects away. I also considered See Invisibility, but decided to keep it simple and decide it was more of a modified Invisibility than two spells. Perhaps a mistake.
How did I not bold Weight?
*point munch*... dunno...*chew*...grin...*swallow*
Someone forget to preview maybe? :P
And now for Sibling’s Shadow…
Name Line
I really like the name on this one, short, punchy, evocative – I am immediately anticipating something gothic, moody and to do with shadows cast by children.
I shall find out as I read on, but the name is good, it grabs my imagination and makes me want to learn more. The formatting is spot on again – it seems the terror of TemplateFu is mighty indeed! :P
Aura Line
Now, we have 2 auras, 4 spells in creation – this immediately makes me concerned that the item might be doing too much or is a Swiss Army Knife type of item. For now, let’s stick with the aura – formatting is spot on, and you ordered the spells alphabetically – well done.
Those spells are: flare, a level 0 evocation; guidance, a level 0 divination; moment of greatness, a level 1 enchantment; and vanish, a level 1 illusion. All are castable by a first level caster, so unless the description tells me that you are going for caster level based duration, area of effect, or other caster level dependency, then we should have a caster level of 1st and not 3rd.
They all provide a faint aura, so as they are all the same aura strength, the divination and evocation auras are missing. I did wonder if an orison (level 0 spell) sheds no aura but on checking detect magic, there is nothing there to prevent their auras being identified in the third round, they would simply be a DC 15 check in the same way that a level 1 spell is a DC 16 check. I might have missed a rule elsewhere, so do let me know if they are excluded.
I did wonder if vanish should be darkness – a level 2 spell, so still faint, but I think more in keeping with the description and dimming effects of the item. It is also the same aura as flare, removing illusion from the aura list.
Now, bearing in mind that wondrous items are often subtle twists on the spells used to create them, I look at guidance and moment of greatness – they both have similar effects, not the same as the latter is more generic. As it is more generic, I think you could lose guidance (and so lose one of the auras) and just rely on moment of greatness to cover this aspect of your item.
Slot Line
Slot – a known slot, perfectly formatted, indicating that the “shadow” is a cloak – I hope so as it is not clear in the description. When things are worn, we should know what basic garment/item they are ;)
Price – perfectly formatted, feels about right from the effects in the description. It should be nice and low like this due to the use of low level spells. However, you lost your commas in the cost entry at the end of the item.
Weight – I suspect this one is what the voters would refer to as a “preview fail” - the weight subtitle part isn’t bold and you have a double dash instead of a single one. I think cloaks do tend to have a weight, but I actually like “no weight” for this item as it is very fitting with the item as described.
Everyone please note, I have been lenient about commenting on a submission before I posted my review a couple of times now, but that may not last, you have all been warned.
Description
Firstly, and most importantly, I sighed when I saw your description. It is best described as a wall of text, no paragraph breaks makes items hard to read when voting on them. It can also slow things at the gaming table when someone is scanning for a specific effect. To give the best impression of your item, you need at minimum two paragraph breaks in an item description.
The first should separate the lead in physical description and the start of the first (most exciting and major) power/effect of the item.
The second should separate the major benefit of the item from “the rest” – the rest being minor boring benefits, recharge mechanisms, expiry of effects, etc.
So I broke your entry down to review it better…
A diaphanous, dark haze, a sibling's shadow is literally crafted from shadow stuff and
Okay, I think you should lose the second “a” just before the item name, and wasn’t at all keen on the term “shadow stuff” – just lose “stuff” and say it is made from shadow.
… as long as it is worn the wearer is considered to be in dim light.
This is a nice power that was buried in the description, I think it should be the start of the first paragraph following the description and should lead into the reveal/cast off/flash power that is much cooler than the competence bonus.
Wearing the shadow confers a +1 competence bonus on all saves and Stealth checks.
Boring, move it after the following power.
As a standard action the shadow can be cast off, causing a brilliant burst of light that causes all creatures in the area to make a DC14 Reflex save or be dazzled for 1d4 rounds, and gives the wearer a +1 moral bonus on all attacks, damage, skill checks, and saving throws against fear effects for the remainder of the encounter. The shadow is destroyed in the process.
Does it really cause each creature to make their save? :P Better and consistent wording is to “require” all creatures to “succeed at” a DC 14 Reflex save or be dazzled for 1d4 rounds.
Well done on capitalising the save type but I still need that space between DC and its number!
Also, as it gets destroyed on activation, it is totally a consumable item, that is a major price dropper when pricing the item, so the price could have been dropped to around half of its current price.
It must be worn for 24 hours before this ability can be used.
Another pet peeve of the voters is recharge / attunement – why does it need to be worn for 24 hours? It’s a magical cloak of darkness that covers you the instant you wear it, so no recharge needed. If it’s worn, it works while being worn. Keep it simple.
I was left with one niggle, can it be taken off once worn or does that trigger the burst of light? I would probably rule it can, but I did wonder. This is probably due to the mechanism to trigger, when I come in from the wet, I cast off my wet cloths quickly so it could be argued that a more definite trigger should be described. I hope that makes sense.
Requirements
Template use on this line is so close to perfect, you got the feat right, the spells italicised and alphabetically ordered and then messed up the cost format by omitting the thousands comma. So close!
The creator must be fey kind of smacks of tying a tenuous item more firmly to the first world challenge requirement. There are shadowy areas of the first world where shadows move and be touched and interacted with. It is definitely in the nature of this strange, wonderful, and compelling setting.
I would say that by adding this requirement, you show you were worried that your link to the first world is tenuous – and then effectively pointed it out to me. When a competition or a work requirement as a freelancer leaves you nervous that you are not fulfilling the full requirements – take a step back, rethink and maybe rework.
In this case, I think it is a fitting item, on the edges of the requirement for sure, but close enough to qualify without this extra creation requirement.
Summary
A few template issues marred a quite compelling item. The wall of text hurts it badly. It took me a while to “gird my loins” to review it.
I looked back at the name, sibling doesn't seem part of the description in any way. Gah!
I hope you found something useful in the above.
Template Fu is currently up to date with submissions…
Not long till Friday’s deadline now folks!
How... Did... I... Miss... This... *Jaw Drop*
Must work on item!
Thanks mighty Fu.
Arbore Vitae
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 7,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This translucent shimmering oil is contained in an irregularly shaped rough ceramic cup. When, over a period of ten minutes, the pungent unguent is applied to a dead body that is a valid target for the reincarnate spell the body will slowly dissolve leaving behind a patch of brilliant living growth.
On the next sunrise the dead creature is returned to life, arising from the small patch of the first world into which their prior body transformed. The returned creature flush with life, color and vitality gains the fey creature type in addition to its original type, DR/2 cold iron, vulnerability cold iron, and two permanent negative levels.
A creature with only one or two hit die is subject to four points of constitution drain instead of the negative levels. If this drain would reduce the creature to zero constitution the arbore vitae is wasted and fails to function. All conditions and unconsumed spells or abilities of the returned creature are handled as reincarnate. Arbore vitae is consumed upon use.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, haunted fey aspect, reincarnate; Cost 3,500 gp
2 days left to submit for the first challenge! ...
... and 16 days to the start of the next challenge! :)
4 hours to submissions close!
Just one submission left to review pending any last hour submissions ;)
The next challenge details will be coming soon after - once all my reviews are done.
And Challenge 1 Submissions are now closed
I will post the next challenge in around two weeks time once I have finished the reviews of submissions outstanding.
As a heads up, I am going back some years in the superstar competition to the "Design a Villain", so get thinking of some concepts...
Yes, there will be a twist and a Golarion requirement or two, I just need to think a little more about what they will be.
Missed this, but I'll be participating in the next one!
And now for Arbore Vitae…
Name Line
An interesting name. It is one of those names that doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, and is potentially open to pronunciation variation. It’s one of those love them or hate them types of name.
It feels like “poshing up” of a name to make it sound or feel more exciting than the thing being names, and so makes me wary of what the item will be. The way I treat names, and bear in mind I openly proclaim myself as king of bad naming, is to use the words I would use in everyday conversation.
I am not saying this name is bad or wrong; it’s just not what I would have used myself.
So breaking it down, what am I going to expect? Arbore, the French spelling of the latin "arbor" - which means “high plant”, and Vitae is the latin for vitality, the course of one’s life. Since the second word is latin, I would have updated the first word to also be latin, making it Arbor Vitae.
So, I am expecting something to do with health and vitality, probably plant based, and as the challenge was first world based, something fey… and this is fairly close to what we actually get. Good job.
Aura Line
Now, we have 1 auras, 2 spells in creation – The first is a level 0 illusion, the second is a level 4 transmutation druid spell. So we need a 7th level druid, which means the aura is good.
It’s fine missing out the level 0 illusion as the aura from that is going to be hidden by the much stronger transmutation spell even though it is the weaker spell that explains where the DR gain comes from in the effects.
That said, reincarnation is a permanent change to the form of the creature being reincarnated, in fact, giving them a whole new body. So the DR gain is also explained by the use of this spell as the new body is of the fey type, allowing you to drop the first weaker spell as unnecessary to the creation of the item.
Slot Line
Slot – well done on using none instead of a dash, none came into the formatting as part of the 5th printing if I recall correctly, but this is a good example of keeping up to date with errata!
Price – Perfect formatting, feels right for what the item is doing, and it’s a consumable. Yes, you did very well placing it here, I think it’s about spot on for my tastes and pricing feel.
Weight – Singular lb. – nice, but, on looking for similar consumable wondrous items - elixirs, unguents, and universal solvent, they all have “no weight” as the weight entry. I would consider removing the weight of 1 lb. and replace with the “no weight” dash to be in line with all the other consumable oils and the like.
Description
The first paragraph contains two things, a description of the item and the application. This is okay, but I would like have used a paragraph split between the two for easier scanning in voting and when using at the gaming table. It is annoying to many players, GMs and voters when they have to “find” something in a description paragraph and this paragraph does bury an important piece of game information – the application time required.
The next paragraph describes the main cool effect and the benefits gained from that effect. This is perfect, but the benefits do contain one quite significant flaw. In the last sentence, we are told that we gain DR/2 cold iron, the problem is the next three words after this DR statement virtually negates the DR benefit by making us vulnerable to the thing we DR! Ack! And then on top of that we gain some negative levels too. Double Ack! (This will hurt you in voting had this been a competition entry)
I like the catch all for those with insufficient levels to cover the negative level gain. This paragraph deals nicely with this problem, and covers off all other areas of concern by referring back to the reincarnate spell – a good way of saving words, and a very good closing paragraph.
Requirements
Template use on this line is perfect as has been the whole entry. Very well done.
Summary
I was left feeling this item is very apt for the first world requirement, and removing the vulnerable bit would fix my only major concern.
I think I would have voted for this quite a bit, it would likely lose out occasionally due to that vulnerable thing, but on the whole, this would have been a strong competition entry.
I hope you found something useful in the above.
Template Fu has now finished all submission reviews for the first challenge…
My next post will be the next challenge!
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So many times, the villain of the piece is male, so with this challenge, it is time to redress the balance. Does your villain confront the PC’s directly, work as a foil behind the scenes, hide behind a front patsy, strike from the shadows? Are they a person of great power or influence, a leader of a religious sect or organisation, or have the PC’s wronged them in a past adventure?
Design a villainess that will test every aspect of the PCs gaming skills using the Pathfinder ruleset. Ensure your villainess satisfies the following criteria:
- The villainess must be female! – obvious, I know.
- The villainess must operate in and optionally originate from Numeria!
- The villainess should be suitable for use as a long term foil of a player group.
- The villainess should be CR 12
- She must be a villain and not just an NPC!
Entries must be submitted to this thread until a "Challenge Closed" message is posted by TemplateFu. Submissions posted after this closure post will not be reviewed. A two week warning post will be made prior to the challenge closed post.
The entire submission, including the title, must not exceed 2,000 words. This word limit includes all formatting code. It is higher than previous villain rounds for two reasons, the first is that the template can eat word count at a high rate, then second is that with a higher CR, you will need them for tactics, spell lists and a generally larger stat block.
The post must contain the submission only and no other messages, qualifying texts, explanations or anything else. Each submission must stand alone for review. Do not follow your submission with any such qualifying additional posts either, you must wait to comment only after review and feedback is given.
If your submission is not left standalone, it will not be reviewed by TemplateFu.
Forum posts include a Preview button to view what your submission will look like. Please use it before submitting for review.
Presentation
I have attempted to bring the old template from the 2008 Superstar template up to date with current game rules. So I will be more lenient on templating issues, but I will require the format provided below to form the general layout and composition of entries.
You should not use ALL CAPS for any part of your submission, even when it appears that way in Paizo products. That is just a font, so don't make things all caps, keep it reader and reviewer friendly.
"zz" is a placeholder to indicate you should replace that text with appropriate information.
Please note that not all section or lines are required in all designs, so if you don’t have a villain with an aura for example, then lose the aura line, if they can’t cast spells, lose the spell section and so on.
If a section is marked <Required>, then I require this section to be included in your design, e.g. the tactics section is required even though you might not need all the sub parts.
Note that in your submission, the <Required> tag should not appear, so remove them before submitting please!
Finally, for the introductory description, describe what the villainess looks like, now what they are doing. Leave the action for the GM to describe when the villainess is encountered, do not force any assumed actions upon them.
If you are not sure what goes into any section, please refer to existing villains and the 2008 Superstar round 3 entries for reference - or ask for clarification in a separate thread to keep this thread reasonably clean. Thanks.
The expected framework and ordering follows:
Introductory Description <Required>
Name, (optional alias) CR ##
XP #,###
Female zzRace zzClass ## / zzClass ##
zzAlignment zzSize zzType
Init +##; Senses zzSense +##, zzSense +##; Perception +##
----- Defense ----- <Required>
AC ##, touch ##, flat-footed # (+## zzModifier, +##zzModifier)
hp ## (##d##+##); fast healing ##
Fort +##, Ref +##, Will +##
Defensive Abilities ##/zzAbility; DR ##/zzMaterial; Immune zz; Resist zz ##, zz ##; SR ##
Weaknesses zz, zz
Special: zzSpecial
----- Offense ----- <Required>
Speed ## ft., fly ## ft. (zzManeuverability)
Melee zzAttacktype +## (zzDamage plus zzOthereffect), zzAttacktype +## (zzDamage)
Ranged zzAttacktype +## (zzDamage)
Space ## ft.; Reach ## ft.
Special Attacks zz, zz
Spell-Like Abilities (CL ##zz; concentration +##)
- At will—zz, zz
1/day—zz, zz
- 9th—zz (DC ##), zz (DC ##)
8th—zz (DC ##), zz (DC ##)
7th—zz (DC ##), zz (DC ##)
6th—zz (DC ##), zz (DC ##)
5th—zz (DC ##), zz (DC ##)
4th—zz (DC ##), zz (DC ##)
3rd—zz (DC ##), zz (DC ##)
2nd—zz (DC ##), zz (DC ##)
1st—zz (DC ##), zz (DC ##)
0—zz (DC ##), zz (DC ##)
Opposition Schools (zzSchool, zzSchool)
Before Combat zzTactics
During Combat zzTactics
Morale zzTactics
----- Statistics ----- <Required>
Str ##, Dex ##, Con ##, Int ##, Wis ##, Cha ##
Base Atk +##; CMB +## (+## zzConditionalmaneuverbonus); CMD ## (## vs. zzManeuvername)
Feats zzFeatname, zzFeatname
Skills zzSkillname +##, zzSkillname +## (+## zzCondition); Racial Modifiers +## zzSkillname, +## zzSkillname when zzCondition
Languages zzLanguage
SQ zz
Gear zzGear, zzGear
----- Special Abilities -----
zzName (Ex/Sp/Su) zzDescription
----- Background ----- <Required>
zzVillainessBackground
----- Motivation ----- <Required>
zzVillainessMotivation
----- Appearance ----- <Required>
zzVillainessAppearance
----- Plot Hooks ----- <Required>
zzplotHook
----- Sources Used ----- <Required>
Please list the source books used in the creation of your villain – this would not normally be in a villain description, I am requesting it to aide my reviewing. Thanks in advance. Adding page references is optional, or links to PRD rules and pages is also an option, just so long as the viewing public and reviewers (I for one) can work out where things have come from.
Submissions may be made immediately after this post in this thread.
Challenge 2 - Two Week closure warning is scheduled for Friday 10th March 2017
This is just a warning post to tell you that you have just 14 days left to submit.
Challenge 2 - Closes on Friday 24th March 2017
Due to time zone differences, on the last day for submission, I will post a 4-hour and 1-hour warning on the thread to make it easy for all to know when submission closure is imminent. I will do this for each and every challenge.
The next two weeks will be reviewing and feedback posting for me and everyone else who wants to join in, which means…
Challenge 3 - Announcement will be on Friday 7th April 2017.
Challenge 3 will span the Easter holiday period for those that observe such, so it will be slightly longer in terms of time available to submit.
Challenge 4 will likely span my Paizocon visit, so that too might be a larger wordcount and longer time span so I can relax and actually get some gaming and networking done. ;)
This challenge is open to ANYONE - this includes previous winners and finalists, it includes Paizo staff and freelancers, absolutely anyone is welcome to have a try.
Unlike RPG Superstar, here, every round, every challenge is fully open for anyone to enter. It doesn’t matter if you won previously, have reached stages that preclude you from entering Superstar again or not.
You are all welcome.
Even if you are already published and simply want to join the fun, please do so – we can all learn from the professionals too!
Just bouncing challenge 2 so anyone who wants to take part doesn't miss it.
Clarification: ----- Sources Used ----- <Required>
The sources used list will NOT be included in the word count of the submission. This is not normally a part of a stat block and is there purely to help my review process.
There you go, a few extra words for you all ;)
This is just the promised warning post that you have just 14 days left to submit.
Challenge 2 - Closes on Friday 24th March 2017
Just an evil reminder to start prepping your final versions for submission in time. :P
Okay, it looks like Villain(ess) isn't as popular as I had hoped it might be.
The next challenge will be for feats (something new and different), probably targeting Ustalav, so get your Gothic on.
Full template, word counts, etc., will follow this weekend.
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I had a concept for an advanced Will-o’-wisp that used its electricity to set actual machinery into motion to terrorize and harm PCs, but I don't think they actually have a male/female divide.
Looking forward to the next challenge.
I was working on an undead Kasatha void kineticist, but didn't have time to finish :/
Likewise looking forward to the next challenge.
Mine's a kineticist as well! Unfortunately some momentous real life things hit in the middle of my villainess development.
It's still bubbling in the creativity chamber - is it kosher to post at a later date, or has the boat been irrevocably missed?
You can post them for feedback whenever you so wish, but I will be giving priority to items for each challenge when that challenge is active.
If you missed the boat on any challenge, time permitting, I will review anything that gets posted here as a one shop design discussion stop.
I am busy typing up the next round challenge details, so you will soon have something to chew on again. :)