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Dear Mom:
Thank you for the jerky. It was very tasty. The Pathfinders have been teaching me. I have learned lots of stuffs. I have learned that I do not like boats in Absalom even worse than I did not like them in Urgir.
Boats are always bad. Even worse when it's on the ocean. I know you will not believe this. Ocean water tastes awful. But I am getting ahead of my story.
After the Pathfinders trained me I got two mungwo sticks. One makes me heal faster. The other makes my axe hit harder. I really like the axe-hits-harder one.
I needed both mungwo sticks for what happened. Pathfinders wanted us to recover some kind of thingie or other. I think they were special pathfinding rocks or something. I wasn't paying attention and we didn't get them anyway.
I had to go shove some goblins into small barrels and throw them into the harbor. I missed part of what was going on. I swam out under the docks. After the goblins was quiet I mean. There were Pathfinders on the docks. They were hassling some pinkskins. I like hassling pinkskins. I remembered what Pathfinder Li said about hassling pinkskins. There has to be a reason. I came out of the water and tried to talk sense into people. Or find a reason. Talking sense isn't what I am good at.
I know Kutork says I am clumsy and weak. Pinkskins are clumsy and even more weak and more clumsy. They can't dance with axes at all. I got to use the mungwo stick of axe-hits-harder. It worked very well.
The Pathfinders had to get on boats. I told them nothing good ever happens on boats. They asked me how else I'd get to another boat. I said I wouldn't go to another boat if I had a choice. They said they needed to get the thingies. Because the pinkskins we hassled were dead I needed to help them get the thingies so we would have a reason. Pathfinder Li says I need a reason. Or she will not let me in the library. So I went along.
I was right. We rowed out into the bay. Boats got tipped over by yucky fish-people. One of the Pathfinder pinkskins made shiny colors and put one to sleep. Another Pathfinder pinkskin shot arrows but missed. Her friend hit him with a sword. Then she shot him again and he went under water.
I got bit by one fish-people. His breath smelled awful. I told him to brush his teeth. Then hit him with my axe. He didn't like being hit with the axe. He swam away.
I cut the head off the sleeping fish-person. I would have sent it to you for the mantel but the courier said it smelled too bad. It did not smell any worse than when it was alive. Just different.
We got to the bigger boat. I asked them if they wanted fish-man-brains. They threw fish guts at us. The bartering was going great! I still had the fish-man head! Then they shot at us. I swing a grapple-hook and climb up the side of the ship.
I used the mungwo stick of axe-hits-harder and charged one of the pinkskins. He split like a piece of firewood in one hit. I really like this mungwo stick! Then I danced with two pinkskins and hit both of them. And bit one. He wasn't expecting that. He tasted better than the fish-men smelled.
One of the Pathfinders in the little boat needed help. I jumped down into little boat and hit a great big seal with big teeth and split it. The jerky I made is in the box with this letter. It is not good. Maybe you can dare Tarkax into eating it.
The other Pathfinders said we had to go down into the boat. We did. There was a room with an oil lantern that burned. Pinkskins must be related to goblins given how much things they make burn. When room was burning we opened a door into another part of the bigger boat. It was full of ghoul-things. Between being on fire and some of us getting bitten and paralyzed it was a tough fight. I could not hit with my axe very well. One of the pinkskins died. Her name was Driema. She tried to shoot things.
We killed the ghouls. I used the mongwo stick of heals-me-faster to patch me up. Then I patched the pinkskin Lucius up. Then the pinkskin with the tail Arianna said she had the pathfinder word-rocks. We tried to get out of the boat with them. It didn't work. The big boat split in half and burned. We swam out of the wreckage.
We did get out. Driema went down with the big boat.
I hope you are doing well in Urgir Mom. I am having a good time with the library here. They always have three people to help me find books. It is amazing how nice they are fetching books for me and putting them away for me.
Your Son.
Brokethegm
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Dear Mom
I got to see the Verduran Forest. We had to take a boat to get there. I still do not like boats. We were asked to find more stupid Pathfinder rock thingies. Not sure what it was. Pathfinder Varsin wanted me to bring blue tablets. Verduran Forest is very pretty. Very green.
We found a house on a fake hill. There was a swarm of spiders. And then the vines got grabby. I broke into the house through the window. It had a dead gnome in it. It was on fire. Gnome houses don't burn like human boats do. Humans should have gnomes build boats for them. We were supposed to know who the gnome was. His name was Hamlon or Hambone or something.
We got shot at by a pixie. I went into the burning house to get the gnome out. And to hit things. There was a plant-man-thing. He was hard to take down. Pinkskin with the tail spit acid on him and he died. Our gnomes both left after that. They were upset about the dead gnome. I think. Gnomes strange. Then more gnomes came. We didn't have any gnomes for them. They said a Fey called Syphilus make bad things happen. They didn't think we were there to help. I showed them the pixie arrow. I smiled. They got cooperative.
They decided we should go fix Syphilus. They sent us to a bridge. The bridge was wobbly. We went across it. Merida got a snake down her shirt. She danced a lot and did not like it. Kito who is like pinkskin with a tail. But not. Kito threw another snake into the woods but it swam back. We killed the snake. Kito kept their heads. I ate one snake. I was hungry.
Syphilus shot me with tiny arrows. I was crossing the bridge. They made me drunk. Not enough to fall down. Then Kito made me big. I used the Mungwo stick of axe-hits-harder. Syphilus ran away. One of his pixies made vines grabby again. I pulled my way out of the vines. I went looking for Syphilus. He came running back very very fast. I swung at him. And missed. He was very nimble. He tried to tumble away. I missed him. The wizard threw a dagger which bounced off of him. Then the wizard hid under the shrubs. It is a wizard thing. What do they do when there are no shrubs?
Syphilus ran back. He threw a dagger at me. He is bad at throwing daggers. It missed. I charged him. Kito made him fall asleep. I cut his head off. Arelia said the big rock in the middle was the Pathfinder rock we were looking for. I found another rock. It was bright blue. I brought it back for Pathfinder Varsin. It was pretty. Arelia is the pinkskin with the tail.
I led some hunters out while I was there. They paid me good. Like at home. I sent you a beaver pelt. I would've sent you some snake but they were small and we were hungry.
Pathfinder Li says the name of the fey wasn't Syphilus. It just sounds like that.
Love
Brokethegm.
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Dear Mom.
I saw a new Pathfinder lodge in Andoran. Andorans have silly hats. They have wierd customs with votings. They'd be better off beating people up. I learned a new phrase. "Not my circus not my monkeys" I think it fits Andoran.
We met with the Pathfinder running the lodge here. He had a drunk guy. Drunk guy was named Gandros but I call him crazypants. Crazypants had a wayfinder. Crazypants said he was the chief of Andoran or prince of Augustana or something. Augustana is where we were. He did not look strong enough to be prince. He looked like crazypants. He had white hair and was crazy. He said he had an army. He claimed dark assassins beat him up. I offered to beat him up for the Pathfinders. They said "no."
He smelled like crap. This made me think he wasn't Emperor. Emperor is like chief-of-chiefs. With a funny hat. Chiefs don't smell like crap. The Pathfinder in Andoran said his wayfinder made him a Pathfinder. Pathfinders can smell like crap. They seem to like walking in shit-tunnels. So that made sense.
The Pathfinder in Augustana said crazypants came through a "por-tal." I thought he was full of crap. He sent us to find out for sure.
Which means I slog through shit-tunnels. Only in Andoran they call them sewers. Same thing though. I bought galoshes. Crazypants is crazypants. Why am I wading through shit-tunnels for crazypants. At least shit is hard to set on fire. I am certain someone will try. Setting things on fire may not be what Pathfinders are known for. They should be.
The female pinkskin with a tail says she has a dragon for her mom. She also calls herself Arelia. She is the one who spits acid.
We found the shit-tunnels. Humans live in them. I guess its because they like them. I do not like shit-tunnels. They smell like crap. These humans said they were from the Steel Wyvern tribe. They did not like us on their turf. I did not want to be on their turf. It smells like crap. They can have it. We need to find crazypants portal. I had to go along.
Sure enough, someone set shit on fire. Made a lot of smoke. Smelled as bad as you think. An old pinkskin who came with us made them fall down. Arelia spat acid on them. Arelia has a floaty thing spell that is really neat. I want to ride it. It kept her out of the shit-water. Much neater than galoshes.
Old pinkskin was funny. He tried to shoot a jet of flame. He held his nose at same time. He mix up which hand flame comes from and almost set his hair on fire! Best joke ever. Almost make up for smell of shit. We had a pinkskin with tail and horns - not Arelia - who used mungwo-sticks.
I used mungwo-stick of Axe-Hits-Harder and ran around edge of open shit-water pools. Another Pathfinder in big heavy armor came with me. We killed the members of the Steel Wyvern tribe. At least they no longer had to smell their homes. Dead pinkskin smelled better.
We followed the shit-tunnels. The Pathfinder in heavy armor lit off a giant fart. This caused spiders to come out. Lots of spiders. One of the pinkskins tried to kill spiders with light. Pinkskins make no sense. He is the one that likes shrubbery that I told you about earlier. Lots of burning things later, we got rid of the spiders. I was glad for my galoshes. Spiders like shit-water even less than I do. The old pinkskin likes boom-magic.
We found a group of humans being messed with by other humans. We fought the other humans. The humans we helped had seen crazypants. They told us where to go to some place they found him in. They said he was crazy too.
We fought more Steel Wyvern tribe members. They did not like the other humans in their turf. They came back with a battering ram and I killed three of them. One tried to run away. I shot him with a bow. The pinkskins wanted to rest. We stayed there. It smelled less terrible than the rest of the shit-tunnels. I shared sandwiches. I started a belching contest with some of the pinkskins. One old guy with one foot is really good! We dared each other to eat onions. Other Pathfinders thought this wierd. Onions smell better than shit-tunnel.
We went to where the other humans said crazypants came from. It was the basement of a burned building. There was a dead guy with a tin hat. One of the pinkskins with me said the guy who was dead sold mushrooms and got his buildings burned down 40 years ago. Pinkskins and fires. They said there was big fighting here back then, but I did not pay attention. Fighting no fun if you're not doing it. I think Andoran needs to fight more often. Their voting is for weaklings. Maybe belching contest work better for them?
We went in basement. Pathfinder in big armor let out huge fart. Even Pathfinder with horns puked. Big-armor Pathfinder say something in back of basement. Not his fault. I was really glad I had galoshes because he puked on them. Old pinkskin made it blow and moved the fart-cloud away.
Something really ugly came out. It not like fart gas any more than we did. I tried to dance with my axe but only bit it. Another one tried to get in my face but the tailed girl pinkskin spat at it and the other old pinkskin zapped it with a mungwo-stick of zap-things. Then one of them made a scary face and I ran away. Tail-pinkskin spit at one and killed it.
One of the pinkskins made a ball of fire and it started to scream. Fight went fast while I got over scary-face. We found a painted swirly picture. I think it was crazypants portal. There was a lot of yellow mushrooms. They think crazypants ate mushrooms. Mushrooms make him think picture real. I think crazypants just crazypants. Not my circus not my monkeys.
I have sent some dried yellow mushroom. Helped Andoran noble hunting but he ate the birds. They won't let me make jerky of pinkskins.
Your son
Brokethegm
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Dear Mom:
I am teaching axe dancing in Absalom. To Pathfinders. It might be a while before my next letter. I am not sure that pinkskins will learn it. I will try hard to teach them. I have practiced my snarly face so they will listen better. Just like Kutork's. Only pinkskins are smaller than me. So it's easier.
Pathfinder Varsin says I need to learn engineering. It makes my head hurt. It also makes big rock throwers. So my head can hurt but I can hurt other things with it. I wonder if this is what wizards do.
Anyway. I go beat up pinkskins now. They pay me to do this. How cool is that!
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Dear Mom:
Birdman, our gnome, and tanky pinkskin and I were called in to recover some statues from Quadira, in Sedek. They were stolen by Sothis Chain, who spends time at a topaz pavilian bathhouse. He sold them to someone. We told find out who. Then chase down buyers and get back. At least a bathhouse harder to set on fire. There are four statues. Each have separate power. One is a copper cat - 2" tall, another is a golden donkey with very long neck. There an iron eagle and silver centipede. There was a halfling and another pinkskin wearing a skirt and no shirt and a very shiny golden hat. This was a male pinkskin. He seemed to really like tanky pinkskin. Like-like. He did not seem interested in women.
We went to a bathhouse. The guy we were supposed to meet tried to run away. We ran through puddles. Oil. Humans strange. Then he was dead with slit throat. There was two half-orcs and the bad burned pinkskin in steam bath. His orcs cut first, killed the guy. "My bodyguards overzealous." Hah. I have to remember to say that. Other Pathfinders call him "Torch."
Skirt pinkskin know him. Halfling check body of Sothis Chaim. One of Torch's bodyguards killed him. Torch apologized for the mess. Skirt-pinkskin got ugly pinkskin to give us information on the four statues.
He sold them to four guys. Nasir Tandir. A large man who is jolly. Each was sold in thick bag. Touching statues cause things to happen. Other buyer was Verash Arpani in overmarket. He wear jingly bells. Should be easy to find. Also Garundi named Honey-Honey-Bun. Also Saldin Marafi in Secure Market.
We went to Nasir's place first. He was being abused by guys. We beat up the guys. Skirt-pinkskin make one run away to get perfume. I chopped the door and ripped it off the hinges. It tasted terrible. We talked to Nasir. Nasir tried to lie. We caught him at it. I tell him about dentistry. He threw us the keys. We opened his safe. We found the funny donkey statue in a bag.
Next we went to overmarket square to look for bell pinkskin. Someone started doing magics when they saw us. He turned into gas...and then it stopped. Then giant bugs happened. I used the mungwo stick of axe-hits-harder. Skirt-pinkskin screamed and ran away. There was lots of smashy. And I got to splash in the fountain which was fun. Jingle-bell pinkskin got away. I picked up centipede statue with a pouch. I think they cause giant bugs.
We went to another part of the city. Looked for other buyer. He got up from his meal and drank a potion and vanished. He made dusty tracks on the ground. I follow them to a building where pinkskins start yelling at me. There was a sign with a flame and a bar through it. There were pinkskinks. One tried to shove me. I punched him out. Pinkskins go to sleep easy. I used a charge on my axe-hits-harder mungwo stick when there was a lot of yelling. We talked our way out of it. Bought the copper cat statue from the guy. We left. THEN building blew up. This better than what usually happens.
We went to the Secure Market. The guards wanted my axe. I shrugged. Left it with them. I can still bite. Three people talky-talk for a market pass. There was more talky. We saw the statue. He claim buyer offer lotta gold for it. We talk some more.
Talky-talky break down. Swishy-pinkskin went out to try and get money. I sat on chair. I don't like waiting. Flamer-pinkskin come back. No money. We fight. He hides because he can't cast magic. I kill lots of mooks. Birdman gets chopped to bits. Tanky-pinkskin holds door. I carry birdman out. Halfling and gnome beat up guy with statue and take it.
We take stolen goods back to Torch. He say we do good job. Pathfinders happy too.
Your son,
Broke