The Deeds of Gor-Gore Gut-Ripper the Hurtful, Dread Hunter of the Ferocious Talons, as told by Grazzel One-Ear the Pathetic, Bonded One of the Ferocious Talons
This is a tale of our trek through the Savage Tide Adventure Path. What follows is en edited-for-posting version of my character log. Our party make-up is as follows:
Gor-Gore Gut-Ripper the Hurtful, Dread Hunter of the Ferocious Talons, owner and founder of the Talon's Trackers NE feral jungle goblin ranger 1
Lisseer LN catfolk scout 1
Petunia Spiderlily CE lolth-touched phanaton bard 1
Epod the Blood God CE lolth-touched half-orc barbarian 1
Smiley CE lolth-touched gnome binder 1
Grazzel One-Ear is the adept servant of my character, Gor-Gore. Gor-Gore has the illiterate flaw, and as is right of all proper goblins, believes that writing steals your soul, one idea at a time.
The Talon's Trackers operate from Shadowshore, right across from the garrison. We're a legitimate lost-object retrieval service.
Starday, Wealsun 15, 596 CY
Wake up Grazzel One-Ear, the fire is almost dead! I told you that you need to keep that stuff boiling for three whole days and if you ruin this batch too, I’ll flay you! Get that fire stoked and make it hot while I grind up some more finger bones to put in there for flavor. Now listen to me, listen carefully so you can pass it on to the tribe…
Today some shriveled-up halfling bitty woke me from my beauty sleep. Well, she didn’t wake me or she’d be dead now, it was the knucklehead watching the front door that woke me. It was still light out. I hate waking up when it’s still light out. The wrinkly old shrew said she had a message from Lavinia Vanderboren, a whelp of one of the pink ape human families who think they get to run things because they have money. Stupid hairfoot tried to curse me by giving me some ideas stolen from the Vanderboren whelp. I threw it right down and spat on it while making the evil eye to ward off her curse. I’m going to kill her for that. I’ll slice her fingers and eyelids off for trying to curse me. Lisseer told me what the thing said. Crazy cat-man is going to die soulless if he keeps that up. He’s useful to have around though, he’s a wicked shot with his bow, plus he hates the pink ape humans and their filthy dogs too. Anyways, the pink ape hussy wants to meet us at her manor for dinner tomorrow night. Imagine that, me, Gor-Gore the Hurtful, Dread Hunter of the Ferocious Talon Tribe going to dinner at some rich city human’s house! Feh, the elders would be disgusted with me for even considering it.
But, she wants to hire the Talon’s Trackers. This will give me a good chance to case out the manor house from the inside. I’ve spied around outside it before, but there are a couple of filthy dogs just inside the walls. I can use this job as a cover before taking everything and selling the rich apes into slavery. Rich human apes always fetch a good price. That should please the elders…I wonder if the other pink apes in her family will be there… I should have Smiley stick his big nose into things to find out. Maybe I’ll send Petunia out too, so she can do her cutesy act and listen to the apes gossiping. The Vanderborens are nice and rich, I’m sure they’ll hear something about them.
Listen to this…while I was into my third mug of thudrud at the Skinned Man Tavern (a beautiful name, don’t you think?), Lisseer, Smiley, and Petunia showed up to join me and Epod for a few rounds and Petunia said she’d heard that the Lotus Dragons were stepping up their trade in exotics. Maybe we can capture a few and sell them. I hate selling to the pink apes but money is money. Anything to help advance the tribe. Smiley and Lisseer did their ferrying thing and heard a rumor about the Cabanites and the House of Oquon going to war. A war between those two could help us out of the right side wins.
Now stir this and keep that fire going. I’ll be back tomorrow night after I case the manor and eat the pink ape’s food. If this isn’t still boiling when I get here, I’m going to carve my initials into the bottoms of your feet!
Sunday, Wealsun 16, 596 CY
Grazzel One-Ear! Is that brew still boiling? Good, your father didn’t make a mistake by not eating you when you came squirting out of your mother’s loins. Now it’s time to add the powdered cave mushrooms. Yes, the special spotted ones…just a bit though, just enough to make it work. Stir that pot slowly while I sprinkle some in, and listen to me…
Today I woke while the sun was still up. What? Yes, on my own. No, I’m not feeling sick. No, I didn’t drink too much thudrud, now shut up and stop interrupting! Like I was saying, I woke early to go hunt for a pink ape. I needed a new scalp to wear, the one I had was getting too dry. I spent a few hours scavenging around the alleys here in Shadowshore, looking for one of the apes that had passed out, but all I found was the corpse of a dwarf. I tore off a bit to chew on and voided in what was left, but a dwarf wasn’t what I needed. I had to break off my hunt so I could have a few mugs of thudrud before gathering the Trackers for our meeting with the pink apes’ whelp.
Smiley rowed us over to the Merchant District to the pink ape’s manor house. It’s down there on Blue Skink Lane right next to the water-line. In fact, there’s even a stream running under the walls. That will make for an easy way in and out later on…pink ape stupidity works in our favor again! That dried-up old halfling bitty met us at the door. I made sure to keep an eye out for those mangy dogs too. It would be just like a halfling to sick the dogs on us once we got inside. I especially don’t trust this one after she tried to curse me. I can’t wait to slice into her. I won’t eat any though, she’s too old and dried out to taste good…maybe in a stew though, what do you think One-Ear? The front halls of the manor had some of the junk that pink ape humans think makes them look important. Not much though, there were a lot of spots where junk was obviously missing, maybe these rich apes aren’t so rich anymore? We’ll just have to take whatever is left I guess. All the doors were made of thick wood, but not many of them looked to have locks. I didn’t see the dogs anywhere either, but I smelled their stink everywhere. I’ll slice the dogs up too, after I feed the halfling bitty to them.
I had just finished casing out the front halls when one of the doors down the hall from me slammed open and four pink apes came out. The little old halfling shrew was hurrying along behind them. That was a funny sight. She’ll be an easy catch, what with the way she was huffing and puffing like she’d been running all day. Not much sport in the hunt, all the sport will come in the torture with that one. I’m looking forward to the day…These apes were armed better than the typical pink ape city scum, they must have been adventurers. The leader ape strutted to the front door in his shiny metal breastplate, looking like he was actually proud to be a human. He tried to insult us by saying that Lavinia brought in the trash collectors to help take out the trash or something stupid like that. Stupid pink ape human fool! He only wishes he could have such an honorable position as trash collector. Why do all the stupid pink ape races think trash is a bad thing? They always throw away the best stuff too… Anyways, I gave him my best tribal salute and made sure to note his big sword hanging from his belt. He’s definitely compensating for the little one behind his belt. All the stupid pink ape humans are like that. The other apes with him weren’t any better. There was a dark-robed female human ape, with her face all covered in tattoos. They think those tattoos make them look scary. We should take her to the Sandwich Maker and let him carve his markings into her shouldn’t we Grazzel? Then she’d look scary! There was also a dwarf in green and brown robes, carrying a big long spear. Even dwarves feel that need to compensate. They only thing dwarves are good for is digging holes. We should collapse all their tunnels and keep them shut underground like the moles they are. I wonder where this one keeps his pick and shovel? I know he doesn’t dig with that spear. The last one of the four apes was a half-elf in leather. Elves are just like orcs aren’t they Grazzel? Both races are base enough to lay with humans, and both have been cursed by it by the corruption of their bloodlines. Oh well, they all kill the same. Elves are almost as fun to hunt as humans. At least this one looked to be armed with daggers, no compensating there. Maybe he’s been castrated by his family to end the bloodline corruption. That’s what we’d do right Grazzel?
After those four apes left out the front, the dried out old halfling said that Lavinia was ready to see us. She took us into a big dining room (again I noticed that a lot of junk looked missing, still enough left to steal though) and then into a smaller room with a fireplace and a round table. Sitting at the table was a yellow haired pink ape whelp that I’d seen around the city a few times. This was Miss Vanderboren herself. It was all I could do to keep my claws in and not rip out her throat. We listened while she told us a sob story about how her parents had just died in a horrible fire (no Grazzel, I didn’t set that fire!), and how she and her poor little brother were left to fend for themselves. She showed us a painting of her brother. He’s one of the ugly pink apes that have to cover his face in hair to hide his ugliness from the other ugly pink apes. What a whiny little cur that Vanderboren whelp was! You should have heard her crying Grazzel; it just made me even gladder to be one of the tribe and not one of the pathetic pink ape weaklings. This kind of behavior must be a sign from Maglubiyet showing me how lucky I am to be one of the tribe, and why we are the hunters and they are the prey. The pathetic whiny creature can’t even understand our people’s tongue! That’s a good thing though, because it turns out that she needed the Talon’s Trackers to find some fancy ring of her father’s and to get back some money that she claims she paid to one of the harbor master’s lackeys so she can get back her boat. What? Grazzel you must be the dumbest of the litter, of course she didn’t mean the boat that her parents died on, that one burned! And before you ask again, no I didn’t burn that one! This boat is out in the harbor here in Sasserine, it’s called the Blue Nixie, and little miss yellow hair wants it badly, so there must be something good on it. Anyways, I had a little talk with the other Trackers about how we’d go along with her for now, but that our real job here was to case the place and lure her into a trap so we can rob and torture and kill them later. We had our talk in the people’s tongue, that’s how I know the whelp doesn’t understand it. I allowed her the privilege of hiring the Talon’s Trackers to get back this ring and the money she gave the pink ape goons. She might get her ring back, but she won’t see any of that money. She probably lost it to the pink ape goon by whoring herself in the first place, she doesn’t need it back. After all the talk, she offered us food, but I didn’t like the way she said it or the way the leathery old halfling shrew was looking at us, so I refused and left. They were probably trying to drug us for some sick pink human ritual. The other Trackers were smart enough to leave with me and not eat anything either. I made sure to watch out for those mangy dogs when I left. They won’t catch this goblin!
When we left the pink ape’s fancy hovel, I sent Lisseer and Petunia along with Smiley in his rowboat to go past the dock with the Blue Nixie. Epod came with me and we walked across the Merchant District to meet up with the other Trackers at the Ticklish Ogre Tavern. On the way, we walked along the waterfront to check out the situation at the docks, Unsecure like always. The stupid pink ape humans think that just because they dock their boats in the harbor, that it makes their boats safe. Oh well, everything stupid they do only makes our job easier right? It looked like we’d have no problems getting to one of the boats at the dock. I even saw a few good targets for scalping later on. I had time to get a few mugs of thudrud with Epod before the rest of the Trackers showed up. Lisseer and Smiley joined us while Petunia went about doing her cutesy act to distract the apes. She’s a useful little thing to have along, even if she looks like a raccoon and acts like a spider. What’s that? I’ve wondered that too Grazzel, I’ve never eaten one like her before either, but for now she’s more useful outside of my stomach. The others said the the Blue Nixie was moored a little ways out in the harbor, not from a dock like the Vanderboren whelp told us. I knew she wasn’t telling us the truth about this whole thing. Lisseer suggested that we row out to one of the other boats in the harbor and catch it on fire to distract the pink apes while we do our thing on the Blue Nixie. I like that cat man. He’s almost like a goblin at times! After we finished the last of our drinks, we all went out and piled in Smiley’s rowboat. He needs a bigger boat for things like this. I’ll keep that in mind when it comes pay time for the Trackers.
Now pay close attention Grazzel, this is the good part! Smiley rowed us out to one of the boats and I climbed up the side while Epod, Smiley, and Petunia set to work using the drills I bought. I told you we’d need those drills some time. Lisseer kept his cat-eyes open and kept his bow ready to shoot the apes. I climbed up and snuck onto the boat without any trouble. I hid and waited for the pink ape with the light to come back on deck, and then I followed him down the steps. I admit Grazzel, it wasn’t the best of my kills, the stupid ape had time to let out a scream before I tore out his throat. Humans are such easy prey; the other one I found was too busy trapping his ideas to notice that I killed his friend. His throat opened just as easy as the last one. I took the time to scalp them both before setting the boat on fire. Yes, Grazzel, this one I did burn! I set 3 fires below decks and made sure they were big and blazing before I went back up. By this time, the other Trackers and drilled holes all along the side and had rowed to the front. I slipped back over the side and we rowed over to the Blue Nixie. By the time we got there, the fires I set were blazing nicely, and we could hear the pink apes ringing their alarm bells. Stupid human apes, they use the same alarm bell for everything, so the whole city knows something is wrong but they don’t know what it is. The Ferocious Talon tribe uses different alarm calls so we can tell what is wrong instantly. But you should know that already Grazzel, why am I telling you? Oh right, because you’re stupid. You should be grateful that I didn’t kill you when the tribe sent you to me. Don’t worry One–Ear, you have your uses, I won’t kill you as long as the tribe needs you.
When we got to the Blue Nixie, we could see all the stupid apes on deck looking at the burning boat. These pink apes were so pathetic, I had enough time to climb up the other side, tie off a rope for the other Trackers, and find a hiding spot while the rest of the Trackers climbed aboard. Just as Smiley climbed aboard, an ugly scarred pink ape burst out from a door just under the quarterdeck and shouted at the other apes something about not getting paid to watch another boat burn. I told Lisseer to shoot him. While the first arrow was still in the air, Petunia did some of her magic and made some of the other apes fall down. I told Epod to take care of the apes up on the foredeck and I jumped at the two apes that were lying down on the main deck. I hit the first one so hard I nearly took off his head with my scimitar. I was still pumped up from scalping those first two apes on the other boat. I dropped my scimitar, leapt on the other human laying on the deck, and tore him apart with my claws. By this time, Epod had killed the two humans on the forecastle deck. Smiley was fighting with a female ape that came out behind the scarred ugly one. Petunia started singing one of those killing songs that I like so well. Lisseer kept doing what he does best, moving around and finding the best places on the scarred human to put his arrows. The scarred one yelled at his other apes to get us and said something about burning. I heard a crash and a scream from below decks, and some smoke started to rise up. I told Epod to get down there and take care of whatever he found down there, we didn’t need this boat burning just yet. I leaped up to the quarterdeck to kill the apes up there, one of them went down under my claws and the other one got so scared that he turned and jumped off the side. I saw the wet spot on his pants just before he turned, he must have hoped that the water of the bay would cover the fact that I scared the piss out of him! I yelled to Lisseer, who had just put down the scarred one with arrows, and he put an arrow in the swimmer’s back. That stupid ape swam the dead man float after that. Smiley charged the female ape and hit her right in the chest with his horns. Even her female pink ape fat didn’t have enough padding to keep him from crushing her chest. I heard Epod shout out in pain from below. Whatever he found must have gotten the jump on him. I told Smiley to come with me and jumped down onto the main deck and then down into the hold. It was all smoky down there, but my goblin sight showed me that Epod was struggling with some creature that I’d never seen before. (You should have seen this thing Grazzel; it was like a cross between a spider and a crab! I wanted to bring the corpse back but we needed it for another plan of Lisseer’s. That cat-man is almost as crafty as the Sandwich Maker. Too bad he’s not a goblin.) I had to remind Epod to go berserk on the thing and when he did, he finally killed the thing just as I got into place behind it. Epod is a big orc and he smashes hard, but his blood is corrupt and he’s part human. At least he’s got that spidery nonsense in him that Smiley and Petunia have in them. All that drow experimenting and orc blood in him should cancel out the human blood, but it doesn’t help his natural orcish stupidity. I try not to hold his human blood against him, it’s not his fault. We had an easy time putting out the fire. The stupid pink ape humans can’t even set a boat on fire the right way.
Epod, Smiley, and I chopped up the bodies and put all the pieces in one of the cages we found below deck. There were quite a few cages down there; most of them had dead animals in them. It looks like someone was doing a little animal smuggling, but doing a very poor job at it. We’ll have to put a stop to that, that’s competition for the Talon’s Trackers. Competition that needs eliminated. While we were happily slicing away, Lisseer and Petunia sniffed around the whole ship and collected all the humans’ things together. In addition to the junk the stupid dead apes were carrying, they found a small bag full of platinum coins and the ring that the Vanderboren whelp needs. She’ll be getting her ring back, but that money is ours now. We sank the cage full of body parts (minus all the bits we ate while working), sank one of the Nixie’s dinghy’s, left a clawed up human corpse and that spider-crab thing on the deck, and rowed off in Smiley’s rowboat.
So that’s where these fresh eyes come from Grazzel. I dug them out because I knew your pickled eyes were almost gone and I know how much you like to munch on them while you’re working. I need you down here because this batch is nearly finished now that we put in the mushrooms. You get these eyeballs into your brine jar and let them start to soak it up. I’ll show you how to spread the mix onto these bark strips. Let it dry and then you need to scrape it off the bark. I have one ready to go from the last batch, bring it here and I’ll show you what I mean…
Moonday, Wealsun 17, 596 CY
Have you finished with that bark Grazzel? Good, let me see the results. I think this batch will be just fine. I’ll take some to test it out. Now listen to what I found out about the Vanderboren whelp today…
I woke at sundown like usual today. I always sleep well after a night of killing. While I was still asleep, Lisseer and Smiley went to see the Vanderboren whelp. They gave her back the ring and she said that she needs the Trackers to go with her to the vaults under Castle Teraknian so she can get the money she owes us. I knew that she was going to screw with us somehow. Never trust the pink ape humans Grazzel! Oh well, I have wanted to get a look at the inside of those castle vaults for months now. I haven’t even been able to set foot on the island yet. Lisseer showed me a scrap with some of the stupid apes’ stolen ideas that he said he found with the ring. He kept it to himself then and also when he went to see the whelp. He told me what it said, some nonsense about where monsters look at the sun. He thinks it could be a code of some kind for getting the money out. Why do the stupid pink apes always have to make things so complicated for them? That’s just another reason why the Ferocious Talons will eventually enslave them all.
After a few mugs of thudrud at the Skinned Man and some discussion with the rest of the Trackers about how to proceed with the whelp, we went to meet the whore at her fancy hovel. I knew things were going to be bad when I saw her and the old halfling cur in a horse-drawn carriage. Horses are always the harbingers of bad omens. I made sure to keep my distance from them until it was time to go. Smiley rowed us over to the island with the castle while the stupid ape used one of the city’s gondola ferries. At least the whelp left her dried-up halfling servant and her horses at the gondola station. The pink apes guarding the castle gave us all dirty looks, but since we were with miss yellow hair, they let us in. Stupid human apes! There was a little old gnome who smelled like fish stew sitting behind stacks of stolen ideas. He must be a powerful wizard, with all the power he gets from charging ideas to get in the vault. He made the whelp give her some of her soul before he let us in. I know he was powerful, because he didn’t even give the Talon’s Trackers a second glance as we entered the vault. He was that confident in his magic. I’ll have to remember this, and make sure to have him assassinated before we come back to loot the vault. Remember Grazzel, we need to have this gnome killed. Send word to the tribe that we need a strong assassin to get through his magic.
We followed the whelp down into the vault and she used her fancy ring to open the door. She let us go in ahead of her because she knew the metal snake was in there. She pretended that she didn’t know, and Lisseer almost gutted her for it. Lucky for her, he was the one close to her and not me or we’d all be chewing on her fingers right now Grazzel! This metal snake attacked Epod and me as soon as we entered the vault. It took the combined blows of all the Trackers hitting it before it stopped moving. We all escaped serious injury though. It didn’t even scratch me! I knew hiring these guys was a good thing. You said not to hire Epod or Smiley or Petunia because of the drow taint didn’t you Grazzel? Well I am glad that I don’t take advice from the stupid. They’re good in a fight. I know they have that web-covered thingy in the basement, but they’re all right for now.
In another room past the metal snake, the whelp showed us where the money should be. There was nothing but a room with empty niches and carvings in the walls. She seemed like she didn’t know what to do. Why are humans so stupid? They go to all this effort to hide their money from their own families. They deserve to be killed don’t they Grazzel? They’re such an untrustworthy race that they don’t even trust their own kin. Lisseer told me that he thought this had something to do with the code he found hidden with the ring. We had Petunia and Epod take the whelp into the other room of the vault while we worked out how to get the vault open. We told the whelp that she needed to move into the other room for safety in case we got it wrong, but I was hoping to steal some money before she came back in.
The stupid pink ape humans can’t even make a hidden vault very well. It didn’t take us long to crack the code and get it open. While we were doing so, I found a few obvious sets of human tracks. They were only a few days old and as soon as I found them, I began to have a bad feeling again. That yellow-haired whelp came running in as soon as she heard the vault opening so I didn’t have time to steal anything, but there was hardly anything left to steal! She was just as shocked as I was to see the shelves of the vault empty except for a smallish chest of coins and a pile of paper. Those papers were covered in stolen ideas. I demanded to know who else she had brought to the vault but she didn’t know what I meant. I explained the tracks I found and tried to show her, but her stupid human’s eyes couldn’t see them. At least there was enough coin left for her to pay us our fee. On the way out, I asked the gnome wizard to tell us who else had been in the vault. He checked his stolen ideas and said that the other Vanderboren whelp, the ugly one with the hairy face, had been in and out many times in the last few weeks. Miss whelp was shocked again to learn this; she hadn’t seen her ugly brother for almost a month. At that point, I decided that we needed to track down the hairy whelp in order to maximize our coin from this job. Miss whelp had her things loaded aboard the gondola and begged us to come see her at her fancy hovel in a few more days. We all piled in Smiley’s rowboat again and returned here with our money. Here is the coin for the tribe Grazzel, keep it safe until you meet them again.
Earthday, Wealsun 20, 596 CY
Humans are so ignorant Grazzel! Today we went to the whelp’s hovel again, after a few well-deserved days of drinking at the Skinned Man. She wanted to hire the Trackers for another job, now she wants us to find her brother so she can find out about the rest of her money, but she wanted to argue with me about the price! She thinks that since she hired us once, she doesn’t have to hire us again and she refused my price to return her brother alive and in one piece. I got so mad that I saw myself tearing out her throat and feeding her eyes to her halfling that I left. I knew I was only seconds from killing her, and we’ll make more money from her if I leave her alive, but I tell you Grazzel, that was the most difficult thing I have had to do since I came to this city almost a year ago. A Dread Hunter of the Ferocious Talons should not have to turn off the killing rage like that. That whelp hussy will die at my hands, and it will be a long, painful death, this I swear to Maglubiyet himself! I took Epod with me and we went back to the Skinned Man. Lisseer tried to smooth things over with her a little I guess. I don’t know it he did any good.
Freeday, Wealsun 21, 596 CY
Not much to tell today Grazzel. Smiley and Lisser spent the day ferrying apes in Smiley’s rowboat. They heard that the hairy whelp has been seen around the city with a dwarf named Penkus. Petunia was doing her cutesy act around the inns and she heard that the ugly Vanderboren and this Penkus had bought a boat from It Still Floats!, a rundown boat shop here in Shadowshore.
Starday, Wealsun 22, 596 CY
Listen Grazzel, over today’s thudrud, Smiley and Petunia told me how they went to It Still Floats!, and how the dwarf who runs the place, a fat smelly thing called Ponchee, was so fascinated by Petunia’s cutesy act that he told them all about the hairy whelp and Penkus buying a rowboat, filling it with supplies, and rowing away to the west. That means they’re hiding out somewhere further in the city. Petunia was doing her cutesy act at the Plucked Parrot after all that, and one of the stupid pink apes told her that he not only knew the hairy whelp, but had until recently been involved in some smuggling with him. The hairy whelp owes this ape money. This ape told Petunia that the whelp and Penkus have been setting up in some old smuggler’s tunnels they found on Parrot Island. I know! Right outside our window! You can see the island from the windows by the training room. We’re going to go over there tomorrow and check out the island.
Sunday, Wealsun 23, 596 CY
Lisseer thinks we need to send a peace offering to the hussy whelp. He cursed his soul onto paper and gave it to Petunia to take to the fancy hovel. Petunia came back a few hours later and said that the dried up halfling turned her away and said that the hussy whelp was meeting with the Dawn Council. I told Petunia to make sure she spreads a story about the Vanderborens being involved in smuggling the next time she goes to the inns to do her cutesy act. We made plans to head out to Parrot Island late tonight. I’m on my way to the House of Science with Epod to do a little rumor spreading myself while we torment the freaks. Epod might just let it slip about the hussy whelp finding secrets about the other rich ape families in the city when she went to the vault. Dumb orc can’t keep his mouth shut! What Grazzel? I know I told him to say it. No it’s not true, that’s why it’s a rumor! You’re almost as stupid as the pink apes you know that?
Well One-Ear, it’s time for me to go. After we torment the freaks, we’re going to meet the others at the Skinned Man for some thudrud. I need a few in me before I go swimming. I’ll fill you in when I return.
This journal is a really fun in-character piece. Thanks for sharing. Go Gor-Gore!
Here's a list of everyone's full character names, and the identity of our other player's character. He couldn't make it for the first session, and is only referred to once so far in my tale as "...the knucklehead watching the door..."
Gor-Gore Gut-Ripper the Hurtful, Dread Hunter of the Ferocious Talons, owner and founder of the Talon's Trackers NE feral jungle goblin ranger 1
Lisseer of the Rending Claw Clan LN catfolk scout 1
Petunia Spiderlily CE lolth-touched phanaton bard 1
Epod the Blood God CE lolth-touched half-orc barbarian 1
Ginrammin Firgle Namfoodle "Mugs Up!" Murnig, the Smiling One (Smiley for short) CE lolth-touched gnome binder 1
Roland Lightone LE draconic human cleric 1 (Asmodeus)
Our secretive cleric hasn't told us that he's a devil-worshipper. None of our PC's have figured it out yet either.
Moonday, Wealsun 24, 596 CY
Wake up Grazzel, the sun has been down for almost an hour now. Don’t make me kick you again! I have a few things to tell you about before I go for my morning thudrud at the Skinned Man…
That reminds me, last night before we set out to Parrot Island, while enjoying some thudrud at the Skinned Man, Lisseer and Smiley told me that they started a rumor earlier in the day at the Skinned Man about overhearing the Jade Ravens bragging that they had killed some Lotus Dragons on the Blue Nixie the day we met them at the hussy whelp’s fancy hovel. Some stupid human ape argued with them about it, claiming he’d sold some gear to the Ravens just before they left for Cauldron. It’s good to know that the Ravens aren’t in the city right now, just in case I lose my head and go kill the hussy whelp before we’re done using her. The Skinned Man is the best place to drink in this stupid city, they’re the only ones who’ll serve thudrud, but I still can’t get them to make me boiled rat. Humans are so picky about food. No wonder they’re so weak.
After some thudrud, the Talon’s Trackers went to Parrot Island and did some checking around. The stupid pink ape that cornered Petunia at the Plucked Parrot was right! We found an old tunnel entrance in a clearing in the middle of the island! It wasn’t hard to find at all, the stupid pink apes don’t know how to keep things hidden. Only humans would hide a smuggler’s tunnel right in the middle of an empty island and then not do anything at all to keep it hidden except cover it with a big stone slab. Then again, most pink apes are so dumb and blind that you can hide right in front of them and they won’t see you. Pink apes can’t go anywhere without leaving muddy footprints on things, broken branches and twigs all over the place, trails in the mud and the dirt…Thank the bloody fangs of Maglubiyet that you were born a goblin, Grazzel, and not a pink ape. You might be slow in the head but at least you’re not as ignorant as the stupid pink ape humans. It was obvious that the hairy-faced whelp and his apes had been here, I found their spoor all over the island. I found three sets of pink ape tracks, two human and one dwarf. These apes had been coming to the island for at least the last three weeks. One of the human apes had been there most often, the other human ape was only at the tunnels a few times; and the freshest of his prints was over a week old. That must have been the ape that the ugly whelp double-crossed. The freshest of the dwarf prints showed me that he went in the tunnel, but he didn’t come out. He’s probably down there digging holes in the mud. He’ll be an easy kill, dwarves get so excited about digging that they’re easy to sneak up on. Moles aren’t challenging prey, but at least some of them put up a good fight.
What’s that? No Grazzel, we didn’t go in the tunnels last night. The mole might be down there, but I don’t trust the ape with the grudge against the hairy whelp. It would be just like the apes to try setting us up with a double-double-cross. All the stupid pink ape races are untrustworthy backstabbers. Even you should realize that Grazzel. You might be the Pathetic, but you still think like a goblin. We set up around the tunnel entrance to watch it all night. I spent the night in my tree stand watching over the clearing. Lisseer was up a tree watching over the trails. Petunia found a tree that she liked and curled up to sleep on the island. She seemed to really like it there. Smiley and Epod rowed back to Shadowshore and came back here to the HQ last night. They were going to spend all day today doing some fishing around the island. What? No I don’t know if they have any fish. I just got up Grazzel; do you think I was awake all day in the filthy light? I haven’t seen the other Trackers yet you fool. I’m on my way to the Skinned Man for thudrud, they’ll meet me there. Go looking around this place for them if you want some fish, one of them might be around here. I’ll be back later in the night; I have some things I need to do. What? I will tell you about them later, Bonded One. Don’t worry your stupid ear Grazzel; I’ll bring you some fresh human eyes and some maggots when I return…
Grazzel One-Ear! Get your brine jar; I have two fresh human eyes for you. Here, take them while I put these ears in the sack. We almost have enough ears to send back to the tribe. It looks like we’ll need another dozen or so. I brought you these maggots too. Put them with the rest of the things and listen to me Grazzel, while I’m still in a good mood. I enjoyed myself tonight, spreading terror in this stupid ape city.
After I left you this morning, I met the other Trackers at the Skinned Man. What? Yes you fool; of course I mean morning, not evening! Have you been here among the stupid pink apes so long that you’ve begun to keep time like them? What’s next, will you be waking up in the light too? Now shut up and listen before I make you into Grazzel No-Ears! Dinner at the Skinned Man was chicken-stuffed potatoes. They must have been out picking through the trash in the Noble District again. Trash or not, it was pretty good, even if they ruined the meat by cooking it. Smiley and Epod said they’d spent the whole day fishing around the island. They caught some fish, but didn’t see anyone coming or going. No, I didn’t bring you a fish Grazzel, they threw them all back! I know; it doesn’t make sense to me either! I told them to keep a few for you this time. They’re out fishing again now; they’ll bring you some fish when they come back here to sleep. Petunia and Lisseer told me that they went to see the yellow-haired whelp today after we came back from Parrot Island. What? I don’t care Grazzel, I was sleeping. They went out while it was still light. Anyways, they said that the stupid hussy agreed to my terms. I know Grazzel, I was surprised too. I thought that the hussy whelp was too much of an ignorant bitty like the rest of the stupid humans to realize that it would be in her best interest to hire the Talon’s Trackers for the price I set. She’s paying us not to kill her. She just doesn’t know it yet. They brought back the gold she paid to us. I have my tithe for the tribe; I’ll go put it in the bank when I’m done with you. I told you that keeping our money down inside the privy hole was a good idea, didn’t I Grazzel? Not even the other Trackers are willing to go down there. They should come back with us to the slave pits some time if they think the privy smells bad. Now that’s a stench!
Our newest Tracker, the robed one, said he spent the day looking for someone in the city. He wouldn’t say who he was looking for. I’m not sure that we can trust him Grazzel. Roland may have the blood of a mighty dragon in his veins, but the rest of him is a filthy human. He won’t even tell us what he’s a shaman of. I don’t care about that, as long as his healing magic works when we need it. Petunia spent her day sleeping in a tree back on Parrot Island after she and Lisseer returned from the yellow-haired whelp’s fancy hovel. Over our chicken and potatoes, we made plans to continue our hunt for the hairy Vanderboren whelp. I told Roland to go into the Cudgel District and snoop around. I figured that he’d be the best Tracker to send over there, since he looks pretty much like one of the stupid apes. You’re right Grazzel, he looks like one because he is one, but remember he’s got the blood of a dragon in him. I don’t want to kill him until we know for sure that we won’t have a pissed off dragon after us for killing its children. I sent Petunia with him to do her cutesy act and keep an eye on him as well, just in case. Smiley and Epod went for some more night fishing and island watching. Yes Grazzel, they’ll bring you a fish when they come back, I told you once didn’t I? Pay attention you fool.
Now let me tell you what Lisseer and I have been up to. I had a lot of fun tonight. After we left the Skinned Man, we went to the Azure District to see Maklash Gristwhistle. Of course you don’t know that name Grazzel; you’re an idiot and don’t remember it from the last time I told you. He’s the dwarf who runs the Dredger’s Guild. I wanted to check out their latest finds. He let me rummage around in their trash pile for a while. That’s where I got those maggots from. I also found a couple of dead rats and a live one that I caught and knocked out. The stupid mole let me have the rats for free. I could get eleven shiny rocks for those three dead rats at home. For the live one I could even get a few coppers! I put the rats and maggots in my sack and left the Guildhall. Lisseer was waiting for me in one of the alleys across Gaff Street. I thought he’d like playing in the trash and catching rats, but I guess cats don’t like to get dirty. He kept his bow ready and watched out for anyone that looked like they might have followed us. He didn’t see anyone. I didn’t bother to tell him that the stupid apes can’t see well enough at night to follow us across the city.
We went to the Shivering Cat tavern across the bridge in the Sunrise District. Why? I was hunting you fool, that’s why. Lisseer wouldn’t come inside here either. He said that he wanted to keep an eye out for anyone following us. I think he just didn’t like the name of the place. I had to endure some watery swill that the apes call beer while watching for my prey. I found a suitable target quick enough. One of the stupid apes was so drunk that he could barely stand. I left just after he did and watched him stumble around down the Widow’s Walk until I killed him. I leapt on him from behind and opened his throat with my claws. I dragged his body into an alley for some fun. I cut off his ears for the tribe and dug out his eyes for you. Then I scalped him. Lisseer kept watch for any of the pink apes. I took his miserable little coin pouch. It was mostly empty; he’d spent his money on drink at the tavern. I hope he enjoyed himself before I killed him. Of course not Grazzel, I hope he had a miserable night that ended in more misery. Sarcasm is wasted on fools like you. No I’m not going to explain that to you either now shut your face and let me finish.
Where was I? Oh right, well like all good hunters of the tribe, I felt the need to void after I killed him. I left the waste-covered corpse in a trash pile with a dead rat stuffed in its mouth. Oh how I’d love to hear the screams when the apes find my present! I almost want to go out in the light just so I can listen. Almost. Anyways, I left the body and crossed over the bridge. I set a fire behind in an alley off of Coral Street. Yes Grazzel, I started a fire again. We have to terrorize the apes. How else can I hope to become a Ruthless Hunter of the Ferocious Talons? Maybe I’ll even become a Terrible Hunter. Now I have to go climb in the privy to give the tribe its share of our gold. I will see you when the sun sets again, Grazzel One-Ear.
Godsday, Wealsun 25, 596 CY
Maglubiyet’s teeth, how I hate this foul human city! These filthy human apes disgust me Grazzel. The longer I spend in this city, the more my hatred grows, and the gladder I will be when the Ferocious Talons swarm over the walls and burn it with the holy fires of Maglubiyet. The Sandwich Maker is truly the wisest of us all, because he sent me to this place knowing that I would feel this way. This morning when the sun had set, I went for my first mug of thudrud at the Skinned Man tavern. I don’t know what the rest of the Trackers were up to. I think Petunia is making herself a nest on Parrot Island. She’s a clever little thing. She can spy on the tunnel entrance and do it right in the faces of the pink apes. The stupid pink apes like to keep little things like her for a pet. Maybe we’ll have to sell her to one of the stupid humans so she can escape and then we’ll get hired to find her again. What do you think Grazzel? Do you think that’s a good scam? I know it’s not very clever, but we’re only talking about the stupid human apes here, not intelligent creatures like goblins. I don’t know what Lisseer has been up to all day. It’s probably bath day. He complained about the swimming he had to do the other night when I was out terrorizing. You might find him in his room cleaning himself.
Smiley and Epod shared a drink with me. I told them to catch us a couple of good herd apes for us to use when we go into the tunnels. I want to drive them ahead of us to find any leftover smuggler traps. Plus, we get the fun of torturing them! Yes Grazzel, I’ll make sure to bring you the eyes when we’re finished with them. The dragon ape that I hired for healing has been out all day too. None of the other Trackers know what he’s been up to. I’ll make sure that Lisseer and I keep a good eye on him. He might need killed at a moment’s notice. I don’t want to get caught with my talons sheathed.
After I had a few mugs of thudrud in me, I headed over to the whelp’s fancy hovel for a little recon. The filthy dogs were loose behind the outer walls, so I had to hide in a tree and watch from there. After a few hours of watching, I saw a pink ape bondsman bring a carriage to the front. What’s that Grazzel? Yes, the pink apes have bonded servants too. Can you have one? I’ll think about it if you don’t foul up the next time you make healing charms for me. The last time I used one of your skulls, all I got was a handful of bone dust! You’re lucky that our tribe is blessed by Maglubiyet to heal so quickly and I wasn’t in anything I couldn’t handle. Now shut-up and let me finish or I’ll cut out your tongue and feed it to the whelp’s dogs before I kill them!
Of course, the carriage just had to be pulled by horses! I hate those filthy beasts! Leave it to stupid humans to use those foul creatures! I started to get a bad feeling again, so I doubled my alertness for those mangy dogs and kept one eye on the horses too. About half an hour later, three pink apes came out of the hovel and got into the carriage. I followed behind them. I made sure to keep hidden, well away from the horse. As you well know Grazzel, horses can smell goblins, so I made sure I was downwind of it. Even still, I could smell the cloying stench of the humans in the carriage. These were obviously noble apes. You can tell the noble ones from a distance Grazzel, they have the coin to try and cover their foul human smell, but they’re still only stupid pink apes so they think that bathing in herb-scented water will help. It only marks them to us as better targets than the rest of the apes because they’ll be weaker and wealthier. The rich apes don’t do anything for themselves once they can afford a bondsman. It makes them easy prey, all weak and complacent. I like hunting the rich ones the best because of the terror in their eyes when they see me about to slice into them. I have to be careful in this city though Grazzel, the Noble District has invisible assassin patrols to enforce order! I haven’t seen them yet, but I’ve heard tales about pink apes getting caught by them. That part of the city smells bad anyways, I don’t like going up there.
Where was I? Oh right, the carriage. It left the whelp’s hovel and headed down to Blue Skink Lane towards Main Street. I followed behind them all the way down Main to Stirge Street. The ape’s bondsman must be a particularly stupid human; he went all around the district in a big circle to cross the bridge right outside the whelp’s hovel! It’s no wonder he’s a bondsman. It’s probably the only thing keeping him from being sold to the pirates. I followed them a little further, until the carriage stopped at one of the gondola stations. The sickly smelling apes got out of the carriage and into a gondola that took them towards the Noble District. I told you they were nobles didn’t I Grazzel? I knew I was right.
It’s time for me to leave you Grazzel. I’m going to go torture the herd apes that Smiley and Epod caught today. They’ve got two of them down in our holding cells. I’ll bet that Smiley is already down there, wearing his white coat and having fun with his scalpel. I can’t let him have all the fun…
Waterday, Wealsun 26, 596 CY
Grazzel One-Ear, are you awake? Good, good, get your charms ready. We’re about to go into the tunnels and I want you to ask for the blessing of Maglubiyet before I go. I don’t trust half of my Trackers, let alone the pink ape double-crosser who told us about the tunnels in the first place. I am going to go for my morning thudrud at the Skinned Man and collect the others, I’ll return to you for the blessing before we leave for the island. Oh, here are a couple of ears from the herd apes in the cages. I only took one from each of them; I’ll get the other ears when we’re done using them.
Get over here Grazzel! I have a tale to tell you about what we found in the tunnels. And look, here are some dwarf eyes that are nice and fermented! Be patient, Pathetic One, and I’ll tell you where I got them…
After you begged Maglubiyet to allow me into the great fortress Shetring in His own realm of Clangor when I die to continue the battle against the orcish hordes of Nishrek; I collected the other Trackers and the herd apes and we set out for Parrot Island. Epod, Lisseer, and I swam across the river, while Smiley, Roland, and Petunia took the herd apes with them in the rowboat. I made sure to check for any fresh pink ape spoor around the clearing with the tunnel entrance, but I didn’t find anything. Petunia has been building a nest for herself in some trees at the edge of the clearing, and she said that she hadn’t seen anyone, but I wanted to check just in case she missed something while she was off chasing parrots to eat. She was right; nobody had been to the tunnel entrance except for us. The mole still hadn’t come out either, so either there must be another way out or the mole was still living down there. What? Yes those are his eyes you’re eating now Grazzel, I’ll get to that part if you don’t keep making me answer your stupid questions you fool!
The tunnel entrance was covered with a hinged stone slab that the pink apes had so cleverly disguised as a hinged stone slab covered with parrot droppings. Epod had no trouble at all getting the thing open. The smell wafting out from the tunnel was much the same as the rest of this foul city- sea salt, water-logged wood and stale human stench. I also smelled a hint of decayed flesh. It was dark in the shaft, but my blessed goblin sight showed me a rope hanging from a hook that the pathetic apes used to climb down. I told the others to wait here and climbed down the side of the shaft. It was wet and moss-covered, but easy to climb without having to foul my hands by touching the human’s rope. At the bottom of the shaft, I found the same three sets of tracks that I found leading to the tunnel. Just like the tracks up above, the dwarf’s prints are the only ones that don’t come out. Maybe the hairy whelp killed him? That’s what the mole gets for trusting filthy human apes.
The tunnel was lined with wet bricks. It turned off to my right ahead so I quietly sneaked to the corner. I didn’t hear anything, so I peered around to see another right turn up ahead of me. I still didn’t hear anything or smell anything new so I went on ahead to the next corner. Around that corner was a wooden door. The door was all swelled into its frame from all the moisture in the tunnel. I crept up to the door and put my ear to it. I heard a shuffling sound on the other side. It sounded like the noise that the pink ape slaves make just before they collapse when you use one for too long. I also heard a few low moans; I figured that there were either slaves or zombies on the other size of that door. Given the fact that the mole never came back out, I started to think zombies, so I went back to tell the robed ape to go and have a listen. I rounded the corner to see that the others climbed down the rope, and had brought the herd apes down too. I squeezed past Epod around the corner just in time to see a shadow from above. I saw something fall and hit Lisseer with a wet sounding thud. I looked up to see the hairy whelp cut the rope and throw it down. He laughed at us and called us errand boys of his fool sister. Before I had time to squeeze past all the others and start to climb up the shaft, the ugly pink ape slammed the stone slab shut! What? I don’t know Grazzel. He wasn’t up there when I climbed in the tunnel. I don’t know where he came from. He must have sneaked in behind the others after I left them. I should have known better. I would have thought that I could count on Lisseer’s cat-eyes to watch out. I’ll plan better next time. Like the Sandwich Maker tells us, our mistakes are only steps to learning the true path of Maglubiyet. You’ll be lucky if you’re even half as wise as he when you go to battle on Clangor, Pathetic One.
After the ugly whelp shut the slab, we could hear the sound of him throwing rocks on the lid to keep us down in the tunnel. Maglubiyet’s teeth, how I hate humans! This whelp has earned my fury now! I was only going to catch him and sell him back to the hussy whelp, but now I’m going to kill them both. I was so furious that I almost killed both of the herd apes from frustration. I restrained myself though. Lisseer was whining that he got some blood on his fur. The thing that hit him was a bloody sack. Inside the bloody sack we found the head of the double-crossing ape. Humans can’t even cut off a head very well Grazzel. The neck was all hacked up like the hairy whelp used a dull knife to cut it off. While I was cutting off its ears, I sent Epod and Roland to listen at the door. Roland said that he didn’t hear much, but that it could be zombies from what I said. I should have known better that to send the ape to listen. Ape ears are almost as bad as their eyes. Even his dragon’s blood can’t help him there. We shifted around in the tunnel so Epod and I were in the front and then Epod shoved the door open.
It was zombies. We found a bigger tunnel on the other side of the door and there were three ape zombies in there. Epod charged in and cut one of them in two. I leaped past him to attack another zombie. Roland stepped in behind us to use his holy magic and made the last zombie cower at his feet. It looked so pathetic cowering there that I pretended I was cutting the head off of one of the Vanderboren whelps and I hit it extra hard with my scimitar. Those three zombies weren’t much trouble, but we could hear the sound of more of them from both directions in the tunnel. Roland looked at the corpses and told us that these weren’t normal zombies; something about them was different because they had unusually sharp teeth and big mouths. I didn’t care; at least they weren’t pink apes anymore. Zombie apes are easier to use for slave labor, they don’t whine so much, they don’t need fed, and you don’t have to worry about working them to death.
This tunnel had two sets of open doors at either end, and both of them had zombie noises coming from them, so I had the other Trackers bring the herd apes into the room while I crept up to check out the doors. One set of doors had a room with a crumbling wall, a big puddle, and some more zombies. The zombies didn’t see me, so I crept back to the others, told them what I found, and moved to check the other doors. These doors led into a damp room with more doors. There were rotting wood beams holding up the ceiling. They creaked and moaned like they wanted to fall apart. Stupid apes; leave it to them to use wood under the water line. This room also had a set of closed double doors and a single open door. I heard more zombie sounds behind the closed doors and I sneaked over to the single door and heard more zombies. The single door led into a short hall, another room, and then out into another short hall. I thought that it would circle back to the room with the big puddle so I went back to tell the others. We made a plan to take out the zombies in the room with the puddle. We quietly moved into place, so that Epod, Smiley, and I formed a barrier in front of Lisseer, who was guarding Roland and Petunia, who in turn were guarding the herd apes. When the zombies saw us, they moaned loudly, opened their slimy fanged mouths and shambled over, only to flee in awe of the holy power of our robed ape.
The plan sort of fell apart when the zombies ran away. Me and Epod got too excited and chased after them. I jumped past the big puddle to attack one of the cowering ones. Epod rushed in and cut two of them down with a huge swing of his axe, one right after the other. You should see him in battle Grazzel; he’s almost as ferocious as a goblin! Petunia sang us a killing song again. I like her killing songs. They make my blood rush. Lisseer tried to shoot a few arrows into the zombies, but Epod was knocking them down too fast. He dropped two more zombies and then two more again before I had time to leap over and assist him. Some more zombies had tried to shamble in from another door into the room, but Smiley moved up to hold them back. He cried out when one of the zombies touched him. I don’t know what he thought was going to happen; they don’t have teeth in their hands! Smiley killed it with his breath and Epod moved into the little room beyond and killed the two zombies that were in there. The zombie that touched Smiley was a little different than the rest of them. This one was more dried out and leathery looking, didn’t have any fangs, and carried a holy symbol of the Laughing Rogue. That explained why Smiley cried out. I’d be afraid of an ape zombie with a holy symbol too. You never know what kind of voodoo the pink apes have in them, even when they’re dead!
The big puddle came from a place where the tunnel was crumbling apart. It was so wet and water-logged that the ceiling was falling down. The puddle looked like it was deep enough to be over our heads. Maybe not Epod, but the rest of us would be underwater. We could see a body floating in the middle of the puddle. Petunia hooked it with her grappling hook and started to reel it in, when three giant crabs surfaced right in front of me! I jumped back out of the way and the others started to ready themselves for battle, but the crabs didn’t attack us. I watched them for a few moments, and then I ordered the Trackers to stand down. The crabs were hungry and we just took their food. They could be useful sometime, either for torturing apes or as food for us. We threw a couple of zombies in the water and the crabs dove after them. The body Petunia had fished out was a pink ape human. It was all soggy and squished when I cut the ears off. We could see a lotus flower tattoo on its arm. Petunia cut off the skin with the tattoo and gave it to me to put in the sack with the double-crosser ape’s head. She did a good job cutting too; she got all the muscle under the skin so it stayed in one big chunk. The Sandwich Maker would praise her meat slicing skills. Too bad she’s not a goblin.
We found two smaller rooms and another door opening onto a sandy cave that led to the waterline. I could tell that the apes had been through there in the last month. The mole went in there and didn’t come back out. I thought there must be a way to swim out from there. I had the others check out the smaller rooms while I stalked around the looping tunnels back to the first room we came to. I wanted to make sure that nothing would come up on us from behind. I didn’t find any sign of anyone coming along behind us, so I went back to check out the sand-filled cave. Leaving Roland and Petunia to watch the herd apes, the rest of us went to the waterline. I couldn’t see very far ahead since the cave turned away, so I dove in for a swim. Lisseer started crying about needing to tie a rope to me but I swam ahead and ignored him. I swam up ahead about thirty feet to a place where the tunnel branched in two directions. I figured that maybe Lisseer had a good idea, so I turned to go back. I let Lisseer tie a rope around me and told them to wait while I checked ahead. I dove back in and swam down to the branch. The left branch looked deeper, so I took the right one. The tunnel opened up into a bigger cave, with another sandy beach on the opposite side. I checked the cave’s pool first, and then climbed up the beach. I could see that the apes had been down here. There were only two sets of tracks, the mole and the Vanderboren whelp. The whelp tracks are the only ones that return. I followed the tracks down a short tunnel to another door. I listened at this one, but I didn’t hear anything. I crept back to the beach, untied my rope and blew the all clear signal on my whistle. After I threw the rope in the water, I went back and opened the door.
The mole was in the room behind the door. He was all swollen and purple like when you leave a body out in the sun all day. It smelled so good that I couldn’t resist popping him with my claws. The smell that came out when the bile splattered me made my stomach rumble. I saw that the mole had been wearing a ring and had a curse in its hand. I kicked the arm holding the curse until the curse fell away and then I pulled a few of his fingers off. They fell right off like when you cook an ape in a stew pot for days. I could hear the others splashing around behind me, so I twisted off the mole’s head and put it in the sack with the other head just as the others came in the room. Roland stayed behind to make sure the herd apes didn’t escape.
Petunia took the mole’s curse and poisoned her soul by telling us what the mole’s ideas were. It said that this corpse was Penkus. The Vanderboren whelp double-crossed the mole too. Imagine that, Grazzel, the pink ape double-crossed him! You just can’t trust humans at all. The mole’s ideas said it was made sick by the dead things, so I spit out the finger I was eating. I’m not getting dead sick. The mole’s finger didn’t taste very good anyway. It was good and ripe, but it had a foul taste to it. Now I know why. The mole’s curse said that the ugly whelp is part of the Lotus Dragons and that we can find him under the Taxidermist’s Guildhall. Interesting, I’ve taken more than a few creatures there to sell, and I never knew the Dragons were under there.
Lisseer and Petunia found a hidden door! I didn’t find any tracks leading to it, so that meant that the mole and the whelp didn’t even know it was there. On the other side, we found an old dust-filled room that smelled old and dry, with three locked wooden sea chests! Epod smashed the locks apart with his axe. One of the chests was filled with copper and silver coins. Another chest was full of bags of gold and gems. The third chest had some things that we assumed were magic. There was a rack of bottles that looked like potions, a wand, and a little box. The little box had a brown stone in it and a curse. Lisseer cursed his soul again and told us that the stone was called an earth elemental gem. Petunia said she thought we can use the stone to call an elemental. I know Grazzel! That is powerful! Only stupid apes would leave it in a chest hidden in a tunnel. Now it belongs to the tribe, unless we need it. Now shut-up Grazzel and let me finish!
While the rest of the Trackers were all excited and starting to count the money we found, Smiley and I went back out to the water and swam to explore the other tunnel branch. We found a shelf above a deep place. Down in the deep place, there was an opening just big enough for a goblin. I swam out and found that I could get outside and up to the surface, coming up in the bay between Parrot Island and the Merchant District. At least now I can let the others get out. I had thoughts of letting the big ones starve so as to save the magic of the stone for when I really needed to use it. But, I didn’t think to take it with me when I left, so I swam back inside to Smiley and we went to let the others know that we found a way out. Smiley and I would have to swim out and go around and open the slab that the whelp closed. There was just way that Epod could fit through that little tunnel unless I cut him into pieces. I still need him in one piece for now. When we got back to the others, they were dividing out the gold and gems among all of us. We left the copper and silver where it was. We plan to go back for it later. We took the magic. Here Grazzel, you need to make sure your fire is stoked, I have those potions for you to examine. Get started while I finish my tale, and don’t make any mistakes this time! If I drink another healing potion and feel my legs twitch for a big jump instead, I swear I’ll kill you!
We all went back to the room with the crabs to collect Roland and the herd apes. Epod and I smashed open the closed double doors that I found earlier. We could hear more zombies in the tunnel ahead, which turned to the east after another set of double doors. I crept up and listened at those doors. Sounded like more zombies. I crept ahead down the tunnel, only to find eight more zombies in a chamber with an altar. I crept back to the double doors and Epod and I opened them. In the chamber beyond were four more zombies and a big skeleton. The skeleton started coming for us so we shut the doors. Epod held the door shut while I had Smiley come with me to get a piece of timber. We put the wood in the door handles to keep it shut while we dealt with the other eight zombies. I didn’t want to get caught in the middle of all those undead, even if we did have a cleric with us. He’s a human and I don’t trust him. After we had the door braced, we all moved down the tunnel to take on the zombies at the altar. Before we did anything, I pushed one of the herd apes into the room. I wanted to see what would happen. You should have seen it Grazzel, seven of the zombies surrounded the ape and tore into it with their teeth! He screamed like a girl when he died. While the zombies were busy feasting on the herd ape’s body, Roland showed them his holy power and made them cower. Petunia sang us a killing song. We waded among the cowering zombies and began cutting them down when we heard a pounding from behind us.
The skeleton was trying to break down the doors. Lisseer panicked and ran back so he wouldn’t get caught in the middle. Roland ran away too. Petunia kept singing her killing song, but Epod got scared in mid-swing. He threw his axe right at me instead of killing a zombie. I tell you Grazzel, I was standing right next to him and almost ripped into him with my claws for the insult, but instead I left him and Smiley to deal with the zombies and went to help Lisseer. Epod doesn’t know it yet, but he just gave me his death notice. If I don’t kill the robed ape first, I’ll kill Epod first. He’s lucky that I’m blessed by Maglubiyet to heal quickly.
Lisseer was leaning on the doors that we braced, trying to keep the skeleton from breaking them down. I told him to fall back and defend Roland and the last herd ape. I shouted for the other Trackers to fall back to where we broke down the doors. Now I had wished that we didn’t break them. I was so frustrated by the way things had turned out and pissed at Epod for throwing his axe at me, that I pounced on the last herd ape and opened his throat. The blood welling out over my claws was soothing like always. By the time we had regrouped, Roland felt he was able to use his holy power again just as the skeleton broke through the door. Epod moved up to try and be useful by hitting the skeleton instead of me. Roland told him to use his war hammer instead of his axe against the skeleton. I move past them to hack at some more zombies. Smiley did his part and killed a few. Petunia kept us going with her killing song. Roland showed his holy power again and made all the undead shake in their boots. What? Yes Grazzel, the zombies had boots on their feet. Well, the remains of boots anyways. No, the skeleton wasn’t wearing boots. Get back to those potions fool; I’m almost done here…
We quickly chopped the zombies apart. After it was all over, we explored around the room where the skeleton came from. I found a couple of little niches in the walls, but nothing else. Not even any rats or anything. I went to go scalp the herd apes and collect their last ears while the rest of them checked out the altar. The altar was to the Laughing Rogue. The stupid human apes have stupid human gods too Grazzel, they can’t even save their own followers. I have some plans for that altar. What plans? I’m not telling you Grazzel, I’m still planning. Smiley and I left the others to go swim out. We got back to the island, and found that the hairy whelp had piled a few small boulders on the slab. I still forgot to get the magic stone, so we pushed the rocks off and opened the slab so the others could get out. Yes Grazzel, then we came back here. You’re beginning to catch on aren’t you? Now you keep working on those potions, I’m tired from all that swimming and all the killing. I need to get some rest. I might actually see the light tomorrow when I wake.
Earthday, Wealsun 27, 596 CY
Grazzel One-Ear you’d better have a good reason for waking me! What? What garrison soldiers? What poster? What knocking? Calm down you fool; you’re not making any sense. Are they here to arrest me? Do I need to use my escape tunnel? What? The tunnel we dug from here into the sewer! Grazzel, sometimes you are as stupid as a pink ape you know that? Now where are these soldiers? They nailed a poster to the front door and left? Is that all? You woke me for that? Get out of here before I pull your guts out! Don’t bother me again!!...
Pathetic One, there had better be garrison soldiers in the front room or your guts are going to paint my floor! What? There are? Maglubiyet’s Teeth! Go stall them while I go down the tunnel! They’re what? They’re asking to speak with me? Are you sure they’re not here to arrest me? Pink apes are stupid enough to ask first. If I was after me I wouldn’t wait to ask before knocking myself on the head but humans are that stupid! Oh good, here comes Lisseer…
Can you believe that Grazzel? The pink ape guards want my help! They want the Talon’s Trackers to meet with the Sunrise and Shadowshore garrison commanders at noon today about a job. Oh, and that poster you got so excited about is a reward notice for the Star Street Slicer. Remember when I told you about the little halfling out there slitting pink ape throats? Yes, that one. No, I didn’t hire him Grazzel, they caught him. I wanted to hire him but the pink human apes caught him first. Anyways, he escaped and sliced up another pink ape! Now there’s a reward for him and they want our help to find him! How much you ask? 800 gold coins, dead or alive that’s how much! Maybe I can catch him and get the reward and then help him escape again so he can work for us! I’ll have to get Lisseer to help with that plan. He’s crafty like that. Well Grazzel, you keep working to figure out those potions I gave you last night. I’m going to have some thudrud before we go meet with the pink apes…
Grazzel One-Ear, get in here! We’re going to an ape hovel in the Merchant District; but first I want to know about those potions. Do you know what they are yet? You don’t? Maglubiyet’s Teeth, why did the Sandwich Maker send you to me? Is he trying to test my patience? What good are you Pathetic One? What? Oh. No, not the Vanderboren whelp’s fancy hovel; we’re going to watch over some old ape bitty called Dromdal. The Sunrise commander offered to hire the Trackers to watch over this old bitty and her whelp. The Star Street Slicer killed the whelp’s husband after he escaped. They think he might go back to finish off the other apes. I don’t care about that, all I care is that he offered each of us 200 gold coins for every day we watch over the apes! These apes we’re watching must be very important ones if they’re paying us that much. I’ll be back later Grazzel, and you had better have good news about those potions or I’ll use your guts to feed our new pet crabs!...
Here Pathetic One, I brought you some fresh herbs. I took them from the old Dromdal bitty’s pantry. She won’t miss them. Let me tell you about these ugly apes we’re protecting Grazzel, they are almost as pathetic as you are! First let me tell you about their hovel. It’s no wonder that the Star Street Slicer killed the Dromdal whelp’s husband and that they think he’s going to come back to finish off the Dromdal bittys. The house is in a cursed area! Right across the street from it is a pink ape thought stealer! The crafty wizard even has a warning sign showing how good he is at stealing thoughts but the stupid humans just ignore it! You’d never catch this goblin living near a thought stealer! If I had known that we’d be in danger of losing our souls there, I would have demanded more money from the garrison apes.
Anyway, this hovel looks like it was once some human’s proud attempt to show how stupid he was, but now it’s falling apart. It’s a tall house, like they figured they could climb up high if the island flooded. Stupid pink apes! It’s got a big porch with some lion statues guarding the front steps. I kept an eye on Lisseer, I wasn’t sure if he would freak out seeing his family turned to stone like that. He didn’t seem to mind. The windows are all shuttered with peeling wood shutters. The only thing I like about the house is that it’s the same color green as we are! I don’t know how they did it Grazzel, unless they painted the house with goblin blood! Even still, the green wood of the house is all rotting. The Dromdal apes must not be as rich as I had hoped.
We went right up onto the porch and knocked on the front door. What’s that? Yes Grazzel, in the day light. We are working for the pink ape soldiers now remember? The porch made a loud creaking sound when we walked on it. That’s about the only crafty alarm that the humans use, and they don’t even do it intentionally! Humans are so ignorant Grazzel. The front door had more lions carved in it. I hoped that they weren’t using magic wards to keep out cats, or we’d have a problem with Lisseer. The door opened to my knocks and I found out what the lions were for. A frail little halfling male was standing there holding onto a huge dog! I dove behind Epod for cover, but the dog was held back by the magic of the lion carvings. They had to be magic Grazzel, this dog is as big as Epod but it let that little halfling pull it around by a leash.
You know Grazzel, now that I think about it, I wonder if all rich human apes use old halflings for slaves? I know! The Vanderboren whelp has one too! This halfling is older than the dried up old cur that the whelp owns. He looks like he might fall over dead if you scare him too much! I’ll have to remember that so I won’t be disappointed if he dies before I finish slicing him. He definitely wouldn’t last very long with Smiley. That twisted little gnome loves to torture! Anyways, this old fool said it’s called Barnsworth and he tried to tell us we had to leave. I insisted that he let us in since the Sunrise garrison sent us, but he got all whiny and the dog started to growl so I had to back off. That’s when Roland yelled at him. You should have seen it Grazzel, Roland can do this thing with his voice that makes the other pink apes piss themselves with fear. I thought the old fool was going to fall down and start crying. He’s lucky he had that big dog to hold himself up with. Even the dog backed down when Roland yelled. Barnsworth got all blubbery and then he said that the old Dromdal bitty was having a party and that if we were going to come he’d have to announce us first. He opened the door and we barged past him into the front hall. I kept plenty of distance between me and that huge dog.
We waited in the front room while the old fool left to get the Dromdal bitty. Up ahead of us the room opened into a bigger room where we could hear some apes laughing. Good food smells came at us, reminding me that my stomach hadn’t had any rat stew yet. I took my usual opportunity to snoop around a bit, but all I found were some tightly-shut, locked doors. I didn’t see anything worth stealing. While I was inspecting the locks, I heard this strange squeaking sound, and I turned to see this painted up old human ape in a rolling chair. You should see this thing Grazzel! I think her legs don’t work because she’s so old, so she has this chair with wheels on it. Only pink apes let their old broken ones live long enough to need things like that. This ape sat in her wheeled chair with war paint on her face and acted like she was the chief. She’s so old that both her body and her mind are broken. She had this tiny little filthy mutt in her lap too. Her dog was wearing jewels; I’ll bet she thinks it’s one of her whelps! There won’t be any sport in killing her Grazzel, only profit and pleasure. Anyways, this painted ape made her halfling slave tell her who we were. She said she wouldn’t answer any questions until after her party was finished, but that we were welcome to stay and enjoy ourselves. Her eyes must not work very well either because I don’t think she would have invited us like that if she could see us clearly. She turned her chair around and told her slave to follow her and announce us to her party guests.
I gave the sign to the other Trackers to be alert as we followed the old rolling cur into the next room. There were seven other pink apes in the room and they all turned to look at us when we entered. Barnsworth announced us one at a time in his trembling, creaky old voice, and then introduced them to us. Each of the pink apes looked at us with disgust but they were all afraid of the painted bitty in the rolling chair so they pretended like they were glad to see us. The room had a huge table piled high with good smelling food. There was a big fireplace and a staircase leading up. I went right to the table and jumped up on it and started to eat. I’ll say one thing for rich apes Grazzel, they usually have good food! While I was busy eating, the painted old bitty rolled over and demanded that I use a chair instead of sitting on the table! I’ll never understand pink ape customs. If it weren’t for the dog in her lap I’d never have done what she asked, but the filthy little rat started to growl at me so I got down. I’ll make sure to roll over both of them a few times with that chair before I kill her! I kept at the food while I watched the other apes in the room.
Lisseer and Epod left to give the outside grounds a good check-over. Petunia did her little cutesy act for the apes and made them all laugh. Roland and Smiley tried to talk with the apes but they were more interested in paying attention to the painted old bitty in the chair. She must have used some old human magic to keep them charmed or something. One of the apes, a tall greasy-looking one with shifty eyes, never left the side of the younger Dromdal bitty for a second. I got the impression that he’s trying to move in on her since her husband got his throat slit by the Slicer. They even left the room together for a while. Smiley told me later the he turned invisible and followed them into another room where they talked about money and the old painted bitty. Once Petunia made them all laugh, the old painted bitty started telling a story about how her husband had found a phanaton once in his travels. I was starting feel the need for a dump so I snuck out of the room during story time to go find a good place. I crept down the hall into a room with a thick carpet, a few plush fancy chairs, and shelves full of stolen ideas. I found a spot under a table in the corner and left a token of appreciation for all the good food. I figured that either the dogs or Barnsworth will get blamed for that. About the time I got back to the others, the party was finished. All the apes bowed and scraped and blustered to the old painted bitty in the chair while she gave them little presents. It made me so sick to watch Grazzel; I wanted to kill them all. Lucky for them I was contented after having such a good meal and a good dump. We asked the old bitty and the young bitty some questions about the Slicer and the house. I think the old bitty knows more than she’s telling us. She said that since we were working for the garrison, that she’d allow us to watch over her house and stand guard but that we had to stay out of all the closed rooms. She said she was tired and left us to go upstairs, but not before yelling at her halfling slave to clean the mess from the party. It’s funny to see Grazzel; it cringes every time she yells at it, almost like you cringe when I yell at you!
Lisseer showed me outside where he found a broken window. All around the bushes below the window I found halfling spoor. Most of the tracks led to the porch, but a few sets led right to a tall bush under the window. It was obvious to me that some halfling had been using the bush to climb up to get at the broken window. I climbed up and looked in the window. There was nothing on the other side so I reached through the crack, opened the window, and climbed inside. I found an ape’s room with a lot of dust. There were little footprints leading from the door to the window. I found a book of stolen ideas under the bed. I said a quick prayer to Maglubiyet asking for his protection and put the book inside my sack. I went back outside and told the others what I found. Back inside, the others were checking around the few rooms we were allowed to look in. Barnsworth was following Petunia around, worrying about having to clean up after her. While he was occupied, I climbed down a shaft we found in the kitchen. It’s the most amazing thing Grazzel; there is this shaft in the kitchen that goes up and down with a wood platform in it. The old halfling said he uses it to send food up to the painted bitty when she’s in her room. We could use something like that. Anyways, down at the bottom of this shaft, I found more halfling tracks and lots of drag marks. Lisseer climbed down and used his cat-eyes to find a hidden door.
What we found amazed me Grazzel. Under the Dromdal house we found a bunch of pink apes that had been sealed into the stone walls! Two of them were still alive! The two apes thought we were there to rescue them! Foolish apes! One of them was a female and she started blubbering and crying. Petunia tried to get her to answer some questions but she ended up killing her instead. I took her eyes for you. The male was a little more forthcoming with some answers, so we broke him out of the wall and then beat him until he passed out. He’s a rich city ape and he’ll fetch a good price later on. There was a bunch of small clothes next to a pile of rags and some things that told me the halfling had been living here. We decided that we needed to milk this job for all the money we can get from the garrison, so we decided to keep watch for a few more days. I left Roland and Epod to at the house to stand guard. Lisseer and Petunia left to go spread some misinformation to the Vanderboren whelp about her brother. Smiley and I went to start counting and sorting the coins we left in the tunnels. Here Grazzel, take the tribe’s share and keep it safe. I’m waiting for Lisseer and Petunia to return before we go back to the Dromdal house.
What? Who is here? Why has Roland returned? That’s not what I told him to do. You wait here Grazzel; I’ll go see what is going on…
Freeday, Wealsun 28, 596 CY
Grazzel One-Ear, come hear what we found at the Dromdal house! Last night when Roland returned, he had quite a tale for us. While he and Epod were guarding the old painted bitty, she used her human magic to call for “help”. I don’t know what magic Grazzel; he said she spoke in his mind! That’s what you get for letting your soul be stolen with words! Anyways, Roland said that when he and Epod went up to her room, they could hear growling from a big dog and the old bitty inside calling for help. Epod broke down the door only to have the Star Street Slicer get the jump on him! I guess the little halfling had bloodlust in his eyes and cut Epod pretty good. That was enough to piss Epod off and he went into his bloodlust and he killed the halfling in one big swing.
Maybe it was the two-headed dog that pissed him off. Or maybe the old painted bitty laughing and calling them fools, I don’t know. No matter, he got pissed and killed the dog too. What? Yes I said two-headed dog! I don’t know; it must be some kind of demon dog. No, I haven’t cut its heads off yet, I’m not sure if I want to touch the thing. Now stop interrupting me before I pull your tongue out for being so insolent! The old painted ape bitty was just laying there on her bed the whole time. She had some magic that she used against Epod. She tried to charm him but since he’s got no charm it didn’t work. Epod said that she shot at him a few times with some kind of magic wand while he killed the dog with two heads. He beat her down after killing her pet halfling and her pet dog with two heads. What Grazzel? No, she’s not dead; she’s down under her house where we found the bodies in the walls. I’ll get to that in a minute, now shut up and let me finish.
Roland tried to use his magic against the old painted bitty but she was too strong for his god so he let Epod to all the work. Roland did manage take out the younger Dromdal bitty. She came out of her room as he was making a tactical adjustment, so he beat her in the face with his morningstar until she fell down. She’s not dead either Grazzel; remember we’re getting paid to watch over them! After they killed the dog and the halfling and beat the two bitties down, Roland helped Epod bind them and put them down in the basement and then he came here to get me last night. Yes, that’s when I left you Grazzel, are you really that thick?
Now listen to this also; when Smiley and I left here last night after Roland returned, we got to the Merchant District when we were jumped on Frogwallow Street by a bunch of stupid apes. They stopped us and started to make some threats, but Smiley was quick to turn invisible and kill one of them. Then it was on. I killed two of them with my claws and Smiley killed another one before the last two ran from us. During the fight, one of them tried to curse me by slipping stolen thoughts into my gear vest, but I knocked it away and let Smiley have it. He said that these apes carried a cursed idea from the Lotus Dragons. They’re watching us. I guess we’ve been pissing in someone’s gold. We’ll have to make sure we wipe out all the Dragons soon. We did a quick loot of the bodies and left them in the street. Smiley wanted to mutilate them, but I wouldn’t let him. What Grazzel? Because it was too open and we were already busy, that’s why. Now shut up and pay attention…
When we got to the Dromdal house, we met up with Petunia and Lisseer returning from the Vanderboren hovel. The little hussy whelp paid us money again. Stupid bitty, I can’t wait to kill her prissy little ass and feed her to her brother before I kill him too. And her dried up old hairfoot cur too. And her stupid dogs too. So after we all got to the Dromdal house and Epod showed us the bodies and the prisoners, we figured it was best to pretend like everything was normal for a few days so we could get paid more. Look Grazzel, the Star Street Slicer had this very nice razor that he used! It’s mine now. He had a lot of fancy clothes too. I’ll make sure to take most of them for myself. Petunia woke up that ancient halfling fool Barnsworth and made him listen to her stories. I went and found the two dogs and killed them with my new razor. The big one bled all over the floor. The little rat-looking one didn’t bleed much. Petunia sang a song about dog sausage to Barnsworth and we gave him some meat to make breakfast for his painted old mistress. What Grazzel? I guess you can have some too if there’s any left. Are you sure? It’s made of dog meat you know that right? The song made me hungry again so I started looking through the pantry for something to eat. That’s where I found those fresh herbs I gave you yesterday. Smiley took the key ring from the old bitty’s chair and found his way into the wine cellar. I had Lisseer and Epod set up a patrol like the garrison thinks we’re doing and curled up to sleep in the oven.
When I woke up this morning, Roland had returned and the old painted bitty was awake. Smiley was already at work on her in the basement. He had his white coat and mask on and all his little instruments out on his tray. He had the bitty screaming pretty good when I got down there! It turns out that this old pink ape didn’t like getting old and lonely so she used the Star Street Slicer to catch people so she could keep them in her basement and make them visit with her. The old bitty is crazy Grazzel. She had the Slicer kill her husband and her daughter’s husband. She didn’t seem to care when I threatened to kill the daughter in front of her. She’s almost crazy enough to earn my pity. She sort of reminds me of my eldest grandmother, she’s so full of hatred. Still, she’s a human and she doesn’t deserve to live so I’ll kill her eventually. I offered my services to her as a replacement for her halfling but she said I was too ugly for her. I’d happily catch and kill noble apes for the sport of it.
We’re going to spend the whole day patrolling around the Dromdal house to make a show for the garrison. Tomorrow we’re going to use the start of the festivities of Richfest to smuggle out any prisoners that we want to keep over to the tunnels on Parrot Island. What? Well, we have both of the Dromdal bitties, the old halfling Barnsworth, and the male ape we found in the basement wall. One of them has got to be worth more to us alive than dead. I’ll catch up with you again tomorrow when we bring the prisoners to the island. For now Grazzel, you get back to work with those potions! I can’t believe that I haven’t killed you yet because you’re so slow!
Starday, Richfest 1, 596 CY
Grazzel One-Ear where are you? We’ve returned for a while and I have some things to give you. Let’s go check on your potion progress while I show you what I’ve brought. Look Grazzel, I have enough new clothes for both of us! We can go to the Noble District and pretend to be pink ape children! Maybe we can go begging for candy and then kill the ape dumb enough to give some to us! Today the garrison stopped at the Dromdal house to see how things have been progressing. They paid us for the first two days we’ve been on duty, and we told them that we still hadn’t seen the Slicer yet but that we had a few leads to check. Stupid apes bought the whole story! I let them know that the Lotus Dragons were attacking us and that we left a few bodies in the street a few days ago. After we got paid we searched the Dromdal house from top to bottom looking for good loot. We didn’t find much in the way of coins or jewels, but we found lots of useful little stuff. That’s where these clothes and these little dolls are from. The old painted bitty has a lot of scented waters and war paint that I’ll bring for us too. I have some ideas for using that stuff to terrorize the apes. Oh, talking of the Lotus Dragons reminds me of a funny story that Smiley told me earlier…
After we got paid and while we searched the house, Smiley took his share and left to come back here to Shadowshore to get a new boat from the mole that runs It Still Floats! Well guess what happened to him? What? No, he didn’t whack the mole, but he almost got whacked himself! He got jumped by more Lotus thugs while he was in the mole’s shop. They surprised him with tanglefoot bags and he narrowly escaped being captured! It’s a good thing that he knows how to catch those spirits and keep them inside him, because his fire breath saved his ass! He was able to kill three of the four thugs who jumped him and then he happily gouged out their eyes and looted all their bodies. The mole was panicky about the garrison finding out or more Lotus Dragons coming and Smiley got panicky too and couldn’t figure out what to do with the bodies he was mutilating. I tried to tell him not to leave his marks all over the bodies he’s been leaving around, but he gets excited and carried away. He ended up dumping all the corpses under the dock right outside the mole’s shop. He did get a new boat though…I’ll have to make sure that the Shadowshore garrison gets a little extra coin to keep looking the other way. On the other hand, I can always turn Smiley over to them for a reward…oh look; he’s been behind the recent killings and fires! What Grazzel? No, he hasn’t been setting any fires, I have, but he can take the fall can’t he? We used his new boat to bring the male ape we found in the wall under the Dromdal house to the tunnels on Parrot Island. We left him chained to one of the pillars. We can use him for something later. It doesn’t matter what, apes have a lot of uses don’t they Grazzel?
Grazzel has been goblin-napped! Storytime will continue once (if) he is successfully rescued from those dirty Lotus Dragons.
Godsday, Richfest 4, 596 CY
Grazzel One-Ear, there you are! How in Maglubiyet’s name could you have let those stupid apes capture you? Didn’t you put up a fight? Did you at least kill one of them when they came for you? Wait, let me take that hood off, it sounds like they’ve gagged you and I can’t understand your feeble whining. Well now Pathetic One, it looks like you’ll be called Grazzel Half-Senses! Who poked your eye out? I’ll bet it was the ape we just killed, the one in the torture room. Now quit your blubbering and come with me. I don’t care if it hurts, that’s what you get for letting the pink apes catch you! What would the Sandwich Maker say? Maglubiyet’s Teeth, you’re lucky that I don’t kill you myself! I wish they had cut out your tongue instead of poked out your eye; at least then I wouldn’t have to listen to you crying like that. Now shut up your whining and come help us carry all the gold we found back to Tracker HQ…
Godsday, Richfest 4, 596 CY
…Grazzel Half-Senses, I need you to clean this mess up down here and start working on something to help Lisseer. What? You noticed that did you? Even with your one eye? You’re right; he is weak like a kitten! He took a poison dart and has been mewling like that for the past few hours. He’s almost been as whiny as you have Pathetic One! Fix one of the tribes’ remedies for him and he’ll be good as new in a day or so with you taking care of him. Praise Maglubiyet for the healing talents you have Bonded One or there would be no reason for me to keep you! Look at this place! They smashed everything when they took you! Look there, they shattered your brine jar. Quit that bawling, it wasn’t entirely your fault, that dirty half-ape Roland betrayed us! I almost caught him but the f%*~er used his magic and escaped. I’ll get him. I’ll even let you have the pleasure of killing him once we catch him. Don’t worry too much about the mess, just focus on making a remedy for Lisseer. I think we’ll have a new housekeeper so you won’t have to do it all. Who? We found a kobold female in the Lotus Dragon tunnels. If our little torture-happy gnome Ginrammin doesn’t kill her, I think we can convince her to work for us. What? Oh, that’s one of Smiley’s other names. Now that he’s proved himself, we should show him tribal respect. I might even consider having him adopted into the Ferocious Talons. Let me help you get the fire going while you look for the powders you need. I’ll fill you in on what we’ve been up to for the past few days while you were busy letting the stupid apes torture you…
Godsday, Richfest 4, 596 CY
The last time I saw you it was late Starday night, when I stopped here at Tracker HQ after returning from the Parrot Island tunnels. I told you about chaining that male ape we found in the wall at the Dromdal house to one of the pillars in the tunnels. We left out of here to find Smiley’s new boat sunk again. He was pretty pissed about that. I stopped him from going to kill the mole who sold it to him. He wanted to burn the mole’s boat shop down. I had to remind him that we didn’t need to kill anyone else until we’d tied up all the loose ends at the Dromdal house. We still had those garrison apes expecting us to catch the Slicer. Then the two of us had to convince Petunia to swim back to the Dromdal house. What? Because she’s afraid of swimming you fool! I wouldn’t laugh at her like that if I were you Half-Senses; she’s not the one who got captured by some stupid pink ape humans! Now shut it while you still have your tongue and start mixing something for Lisseer.
By the time we got back to the Dromdal house it was early Sunday morning. Lisseer and I made a plan while Petunia licked her flaps clean. At least she quit crying about the swim. I like her killing songs, but her whiny songs really piss me off. Smiley went off to see if Epod drank all of the Dromdal bitty’s wine. Roland was off in a room by himself praying to his god. I told him to get a quick nap but before I let anyone else sleep, we started to work on the plan.
We gathered up the bodies of the big two-headed dog and the Slicer and put them in the kitchen. Epod cut the head off the Slicer and then I put the head in a sack. Epod and Smiley chopped up the bodies while Lisseer put the pieces into sacks. Petunia and I went down to the basement where I used my new razor to slice the face and empty eye-sockets of the dead female ape before Petunia used one of her new magic wands to hide the body in the wall. What? So it would look like the Slicer did it. Yes Grazzel, I know it’s my new razor but it used to be his, now shut your face before I use it to slice your tongue off! Petunia used the wand again to seal the Dromdal whelp in the wall where the male ape was. Then we took the old Dromdal bitty upstairs and threw her on the floor of her bedroom. I made sure her manacles were locked tight and we went down to help with the bodies.
After we got all the bodies chopped up, Petunia made the old halfling fool, Barnsworth, clean up the mess. I climbed in the oven and passed out from exhaustion. When I woke up a few hours later, the old fool had most of the blood cleaned up in the kitchen. I didn’t see anyone else so I ate some pieces of the halfling that I saved while I watched him clean the rest. When he was done I told him he did a good job and then cut his throat with my new razor. I left him to bleed all over the nice clean kitchen floor while I went to wake the others. I found Epod and Smiley passed out drunk in the wine cellar. I kicked them awake and told them to take all the sacks of meat and go feed the crabs under Parrot Island. Roland was supposed to be on watch, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. I made up my mind right then to kill the half-ape. I never did trust him. Now I find he’s missing during his watch? He’s meat. Yes Grazzel, I know he’s the one who helped the Lotus Dragons catch you. Don’t worry, we’ll find him and when we catch him you can eat his eyes. You can suck them right out of his head while he’s still living so we can all hear him scream. Now shut your mouth and save your tongue while I finish telling you about our plan.
I woke Lisseer and Petunia and we took the old Dromdal bitty down into the basement. We set her up in her chair so that her back was facing her whelp in the wall. Petunia used her magic to heal the old cur so she woke. Then she used her magic to heal the whelp. Lisseer and I yelled at the old bitty so that her daughter heard us blaming her for killing humans and helping the Slicer. We made sure that the whelp heard its mother confess before we rolled her away from the whelp’s line of sight and pretended that the Slicer jumped out of nowhere and killed the old bitty. I got behind her chair and used the razor to slit her throat. Then I pretended to chase the Slicer up into the kitchen and outside while Lisseer and Petunia pretended to rescue the whelp from the wall. Lisseer came up and went to alert the garrison while Petunia played with the babbling ape in the basement. I guess hearing your own mother spew hatred about you and admit to killing your father and your husband and hearing her wish for your death is a bad thing among the pink apes. I don’t see what the big deal is, do you Grazzel? My own mother used to tell me about killing my father all the time. I turned out okay. This human whelp couldn’t take it and she started spouting nonsense like the old doomsayer prophet back home. Isn’t that mush brained fool your uncle?
Lisseer returned with some garrison apes and we told them how we saved this Dromdal whelp but the Slicer killed the old Dromdal bitty and how we chased him outside and how Epod took his head off right next to the canal and how the body and head fell in the water and how I dove in and saved the head. What? No, it didn’t happen like that Grazzel, but that’s what we told the apes. We even have the daughter as a witness to about half of our story. The apes bought the whole thing and didn’t even ask us a lot of questions. They told us to stop at the Sunrise Garrison to collect our reward and took the Slicer’s head and the Dromdal whelp and left. Not long after they left, Epod and Smiley came back with some bad news…
Godsday, Richfest 4, 596 CY
They stopped in here at Tracker HQ after feeding the crabs. They found a mess. They said everything was broken and that you were missing. We all hurried back to the HQ. I was cursing the hairy Vanderboren whelp and the Lotus Dragons the whole way back; I knew they had to be involved. What I didn’t expect was to find Roland’s tracks mixed up with eight other sets of ape prints. He let them in the front door and then they came for you and then they broke everything they found. Lucky for us we keep our money down the toilet hole Grazzel; none of the tribe’s money was stolen! I told you that was a good hiding place. They didn’t find my escape hatch into the toilet hole from my room either. That hatch was another good plan of mine! Epod and Smiley wanted to go right away to find the Lotus Dragons and kill them. I told them that you were probably dead already, since no Ferocious Talon goblin would ever let a human ape catch him alive. By the pus-filled warts of Maglubiyet was I wrong about that one! You really live up to your name don’t you Pathetic One? Lisseer thought we should start to keep a watch at the Taxidermy Guildhall since that’s where the mole Penkus said the Lotus hideout was. What? No Grazzel, Lisseer can’t talk to the dead you fool, but his soul has been cursed and he knew the mole’s last thoughts. The mole trapped them to curse anyone who fooled with his body; don’t you remember me telling about that? We all tried to straighten things around and find anything that wasn’t smashed up we could use. They didn’t touch anything on the wagon or in the cages outside. They demolished your lab and everything we had been working on though. I don’t know why I’m telling you this since we’re sitting in the middle of that mess right now. I’ll make sure to tell the prissy Vanderboren whelp that her ugly brother smashed up your alchemy lab and that she needs to pay for a replacement. Anyways, we all were pissed at the Lotus Dragons but we spent the rest of the day here planning and sleeping.
I woke a little past midnight and then took Smiley and Lisseer out in the city to take out some aggression. We left Epod and Petunia to rest and guard at the HQ. The stupid human apes were still out drinking and celebrating but we had an easy time sneaking through them to the Cudgel District. I kept fighting the urge to leap on one of the apes and bleed him but that wasn’t the kind of terror I wanted to spread. I found a nice little place called the Thrice-Born Phoenix and decided it would be good to burn. The Sandwich Maker would appreciate the irony in my choice of arson target. Lisseer kept watch a few blocks down the street while Smiley and I each started a fire in the alley on opposite sides of the Phoenix. We waited long enough to make sure the fires were burning and then we crept through the alleys and shadows to the canal edge and swam over to the Merchant District. We made our way over to the Taxidermist’s Guildhall down on Water Street in the Sunrise District. Once we found it, I knew that you were alive and that we’d find you and crush the Lotus Dragons. How? Maglubiyet gave me a sign. The building sits on the edge of Dead Dog Alley. Once I saw that, I was confident that we were going to win. We won too, didn’t we Grazzel? Here you are alive and down in those tunnels are all the dead Lotus Dragons! Praise the sharp teeth and bloody talons of Maglubiyet! Now, the three of us spread out and kept a watch on the Taxidermist’s Guildhall until the sun began to rise. The building was typical of the hovels the filthy human apes build. It was a single story wood building with two entrances, one of them facing Water Street and one opening on to Dead Dog Alley. Both doors were tightly shut and locked. There was a show window beside the front door with a few stuffed animals on a shelf behind the glass. I’ll never understand why human apes lock the doors to their hovels but then leave big holes covered with weak glass. If I was going to break in, the window is much easier than the door. Maglubiyet’s Teeth Grazzel, why are humans so stupid? Shut up fool, you weren’t meant to answer that. What? Never mind Pathetic One, now shut your hole before you lose your tongue!
About an hour after the sun rose, a stupid-looking human ape wearing a big green hat with a feather in it arrived. He unlocked the front door and went inside. Lisseer and Smiley left for Shadowshore so Smiley could get another new boat from his buddy the mole. I stayed to watch for any Lotus Dragons. By the time Lisseer and Smiley got back with a new boat, it was past noon. I had seen twelve apes go into the Taxidermist’s Guildhall, but only six of them came back out. One of the apes who didn’t come out had a Lotus Dragon tattoo on his arm and looked a lot like one of the apes who attacked me and Smiley in the street. Then again, all pink apes look the same to me. They all bleed the same too. We left in Smiley’s new boat to come back to the Tracker HQ to plan for an assault on the Lotus hideout.
When we got back, Petunia said that some garrison apes wanted to see me. I took Epod and Lisseer and went across the street to the Shadowshore garrison. The pink ape commander paid us for the Slicer mission. I left some of the gold for the ape commanders of the Shadowshore and Sunrise garrison. It never hurts to keep the local ape thugs paid off so they look the other way. We’ve been leaving a few too many bodies around lately to risk having the pink ape garrison on our asses too. I know Grazzel, giving money to the stupid humans isn’t something I like doing, but it’s a necessary evil in this case. The Sandwich Maker would understand the need for security while in the den of the apes. We’ve been lucky enough to scam the stupid apes out of a lot more money that what I gave back to them, thanks to the blessings of Maglubiyet. I’ll have to offer an ape under my claws for Maglubiyet to ensure our continued prosperity among the filthy apes.
We took the money back over to the HQ, split it up and then I went to sleep. We had plans to assault the Lotus HQ at midnight and I wanted to be well rested. I needed a drink too; I hadn’t had a chance to stop in at the Skinned Man for some thudrud for a few days now. I figured that I’d wait until after we killed the Lotus Dragons. Smiley and Epod hit the Dromdal wine pretty hard, somebody has to keep a clear head around here…
Godsday, Richfest 4, 596 CY
I woke a little after midnight and collected the others. Lisseer and Smiley were sleeping still. Petunia and Epod were up though, and Petunia told me that they had gone to the Skinned Man where they heard some apes talking about the fire in the Cudgel District. I guess that the place we burned is owned by one of the rich noble apes and he put his money behind his mouth and got something called the Whirling Church to investigate. Supposedly they sent for some rangers to come investigate the fire. They’ll never find out that it was us. Filthy pink apes are too stupid to catch us. Still, it wouldn’t hurt for me to start covering our tracks when we terrorize. There’s no sense in letting the filthy apes have a chance to figure anything out; their trackers might actually know what to look for.
We took Smiley’s newest boat over to a bridge near the Taxidermist’s Guildhall in the Sunrise District. Smiley pulled his boat up on the shore and then dragged it across Water Street into the alley. He was determined to not lose another boat. Lisseer and Petunia went to work on the door to the Guildhall while the rest of us kept a lookout. It didn’t take them long to get the door open and for us to get inside. Smiley brought his boat into the shop with him. The front room of the Taxidermist’s Guildhall was filled with stuffed animals and creatures for sale. I happily shredded them to bits with my claws. I wanted payback for the Lotus Dragons trashing our Tracker HQ. We moved from room to room, smashing all the furniture we found and destroying all the stuffed creatures. Some of them might have looked good in our HQ, but this was time for vengeance time not time for looting. We found a chest that Epod smashed open; inside was a sack of coins and a pouch of gems. Now it was time for looting. We took the coins and gems and set about smashing everything else. Lisseer found a hidden door and beyond it we found a trapdoor in the floor at the end of a hall. The trapdoor opened on a shaft with a wooden ladder leading down. I could smell damp musty air wafting up from the hole. I told the others to wait and crept down the ladder. At the bottom was a natural underground passage. The walls and floor were wet with little drips and puddles of water. I could see a closed wooden door to one side of the ladder. I crept to the door for a listen. I noticed the wood door was swelled shut like the ones under Parrot Island. I didn’t hear or smell anything beyond the door. On the floor of the cavern I found a lot of different creatures’ tracks. Lots of booted ape feet. I also found two sets of animal tracks, one of them looked to be a two-legged lizard of some sort, and the other set was a four-legged track that reminded me of the spider-crab we found on the Vanderboren boat. Since the Lotus Dragons were involved in that too, I expected to find more of those things down here. I stalked around the corner in the passage to find an open cavern filled with a pool of water. The water was covered with red and black sea urchins, most likely the source of the poison we keep finding on the Lotus Dragon bodies. I could see where the pool branched down two tunnels about 40 feet from the edge. I went back to get the others and to tell Smiley that it was a good idea he brought his boat with him. We could use it down here to get through those urchins.
I went back up the ladder and told the others what I found. Lisseer and Petunia went down into the cavern below while Epod and Smiley dragged the boat through the Taxidermist’s Guildhall to the trapdoor. I followed Petunia down the ladder and then Smiley came down behind me. Epod dropped the boat down the shaft so that Smiley and I could catch it. It made a lot more noise coming down that I had expected, but none of the apes came running so we carried on. We took the boat down to the waterline where Lisseer was waiting. He was crouched on the small beach near the waterline. He pointed out all the small crabs running around and suggested we be alert for bigger ones like our Parrot Island tunnel guards. Epod and Smiley put the boat in the water and the three of us climbed inside. Petunia and Lisseer waited on the beach while we rowed into the cavern. Smiley rowed us to the rightmost branch. I hopped out and swam the last few feet to the water’s edge. I climbed up into a humid wet cavern entrance. The walls and floor were covered in mushrooms and mold and slime. You should see it Grazzel, there was so much growth that it had its own glow! We’ll go back there and check it over for anything useful once you’re done treating Lisseer. I was tempted to try some but I didn’t want to start seeing fairies while I was hunting again like that time when we were hunting with those gnolls in the jungle, do you remember that Pathetic One? We ate some of that dried root paste the gnolls used for war paint and the Sandwich Maker was trying to hunt fairies and the gnoll chief was laughing at him? The gnoll chief tasted good later that week when the Sandwich Maker served him to us at the feast to celebrate our enslavement of that gnoll tribe.
I could see from the spoor in the slime puddles that there was a lot of traffic of those spider-crab things and some pink apes through here. I saw an ooze-covered skeleton in the corner and crept over closer to it. I peeked around the corner to see four of those spider-crabs moving around. They hadn’t seen me so I sneaked back to the edged and got back in the boat. I told Smiley and Epod what I saw. Epod wanted to go kill them but I stopped him, those things could come in useful at some point. We could herd some Lotus apes down there and watch them get ripped apart. We could even sell the beasts to some dumb rich apes. We rowed back over to let Lisseer and Petunia know about the spider-crabs, and then we turned around to go down the left-side passage. We were rowing down the tunnel when the fish things attacked us.
Godsday, Richfest 4, 596 CY
They came at us fast. I’m still not sure what they were. They looked like small sharks crossed with a stingray. Two of them swam at us from either end of the boat to attack me and Smiley. Epod was in the middle and didn’t get an initial attack. The two creatures biting at me missed but I heard Smiley cry out in pain just before he spit his fire back at them. Epod split open one of the ones that Smiley had burned. I unleashed the fury of my claws and tore one of the creatures apart, spilling its blood and guts into the water. A few arrows from Lisseer’s bow sailed across the water to land in a burned shark creature. Petunia used one of the magic wands she took from the old Dromdal bitty to kill one of them with a glowing ball. The last one of them didn’t stand a chance against my claws and Epod’s axe. Smiley rowed us through the tunnel into a larger cavern when two more of those things attacked us. Again I tore one of them to pieces with my claws and Epod cut the other one in half with his greataxe. We continued to row forward, keeping alert for anything else to attack.
Around a few more turns, the tunnel opened into a big lake-filled cavern. There was a small wood pier in the water that led to another beach. I could just make out a wooden door at the end of another tunnel across the lake from us. Judging from the current in the water, I told Smiley and Epod that the tunnel across the lake would lead us to the bay between the Sunrise and Azure Districts of the city. Smiley got excited and started to jump up and down until Epod made him sit still. He almost dumped us in the lake. I looked to where he was pointing and saw his boat tied to the pier. What? No Grazzel, not the boat we were sitting in, the other one he bought from the mole. How could it have been the one we were sitting in? Keep your stupid mouth shut before you lose your tongue and listen! This is the boat that he called Ellywick and dragged through the city to the Dromdal House and the pink apes who were partying for the festival painted it different colors. I guess the Lotus Dragons just stole this one instead of sinking it. Now he’s got two boats. I slipped into the water and swam to the beach. I could see lots of tracks in the sand, booted ape feet, two-legged lizard feet, spider-crab feet, and some other tracks belonging what could only be a large animal skeleton and a dog. I started to get worried when I saw the dog tracks. I hate dogs. At least it wasn’t horse tracks. Horses are bad omens. Besides, I’d already been given a sign from Maglubiyet, and this would just be another dead dog in Dead Dog Alley. I sneaked up the beach to a tunnel entrance for a listen. This tunnel was worked by the apes into a hallway, not like the ones we had just rowed through. I didn’t hear anything and didn’t see anything because the hall turned a corner, so I crept back to the water and told Epod to come on shore with me. I told Smiley to row back and get Petunia and Lisseer while Epod and I hid by the pier and waited.
Godsday, Richfest 4, 596 CY
I didn’t hear anything behind the door at the end of the hall. Epod kicked it open and got shot by crossbow bolts. He let out a bellow and ran into the room. So much for our surprise attack! I jumped in behind him to see four Lotus Dragons taking cover behind an overturned table. Epod was trading blows with a big skeleton. I leaped on one of the apes and let some air into his throat. Lisseer moved in to the room and let loose with his bow, piercing the neck of another Lotus Dragon. Petunia started her killing song to get us all in the right mood. I started moving along with her music right away and hummed with her the whole time I was scalping the ape I killed. Smiley and Lisseer killed the last two apes while Epod finished smashing the skeleton to bone dust. We found two doors in the room; both of them were swelled shut and stuck in their frames. One of them led to a supply closet. We threw the bodies of the apes we had just killed inside the closet and shut the door. The other door led into another hall. I sneaked down the hall with Epod right behind me. We found a room that was empty except for some ape furniture. Behind the next door I heard a dog. I moved well back away from the door and told Epod what I found. I let Smiley move in ahead of me next to Epod before Epod broke the door down. I didn’t really want to be up next to the dog unless I had to be. I didn’t have to worry; Epod is good at killing dogs. He stood in the doorway and killed this one in two big swings. I made sure to spit on its corpse when I passed it. It turned out to be a worg after all, not really a dog. Close enough.
We found a couple of more rooms empty but for ape furniture before I came up on some pink apes sitting at a table. They were in a little room at the end of a short passage off of the hall we were coming from. They had their backs to me and were intent on watching the door on the other side of the room. I leaped in and killed both of them before they knew what was happening. I left the dead apes to bleed all over the table while I sneaked to the door they were watching for a quick listen before returning to scalp them. So far we hadn’t found any apes that put up a good fight. All of them have died quickly under my claws. What else can you expect from human apes huh Grazzel? They’re too stupid and pathetic to put up a good fight.
The tunnel leading to this little room continued on and Lisseer sneaked down to have a look while I was scalping. He returned to tell us of an empty berthing room with eleven bunks and another hall with more closed doors. I decided to continue heading in the direction we had been going, intending to circle around and check those areas out on our way back.
The hallway beyond the door the apes were watching led past a door that smelled like it led back to where we first came down from the Taxidermy shop above. The passage continued ahead and before turning a corner. Lisseer crept up around the corner and returned to tell us he found a room with a long dining table and a couple of more doors along the way. The room with the table didn’t have anything to kill in it so we started checking the doors behind us. I was right about the first door. It opened into the room where we climbed down the ladder and brought down Smiley’s rowboat.
One door led to a small room with iron pots that the apes were using to collect piss. I don’t know why Grazzel, maybe they drink it? I don’t know why they don’t just dig out to the canal like we did. Apes drinking piss would explain a lot of their stupidity though, wouldn’t it? I checked inside all the pots anyway, just in case the apes hid anything in them. No luck.
Behind the last door in the hall, Epod got attacked by some apes dressed up like straw training dummies. He blundered on into the room before either Lisseer or I had a good chance to look it over. Those pathetic disguises wouldn’t have fooled a goblin! Epod is cursed with the near-blind senses of a half-human. He paid for it when six apes got the jump on him. He flew into his killing bloodlust and hacked four of them to pieces where they stood. One of the apes blocked the door to the room. I tried to push him back into the room but he must have been fastened to the floor somehow because he didn’t move at all. Instead I just ripped his guts out and let them cover the floor. They splattered all over me too but that was okay. Petunia’s killing song had my blood flowing. I scalped the one I just disemboweled with my claws while Epod cut the last ape in half with his greataxe. What? Lisseer and Smiley were covering the rear in case any more apes came at us through that dining room. At least they weren’t letting themselves get beaten and tortured by a stupid human Grazzel; now shut your face and don’t even think of insulting them again or you’ll lose more than just your tongue! After we killed all the Lotus Dragons that attacked Epod, we tore up the rest of the training dummies and a big padded chair we found. Smiley knocked over some big potted plants and threw the dirt all over. I don’t know what those plants did to him to deserve that. Remind me to get those plants to see if we can use them for anything. Like the Sandwich Maker says, everything that is killed can be used.
This room had a door that led into another small empty room with a table. These stupid human apes like to waste things don’t they Grazzel? Almost every room in those tunnels had wasted furniture and space. We could fit a whole clan of the Ferocious Talon Tribe down there and still have room to train better thieves than these pathetic Lotus Dragons! Behind the next door I heard sounds like another one of those spider-crabs. Praise Maglubiyet and His Big Ears for crafting us in His image! Epod kicked down the door and hacked at the spider-crab with his greataxe until it quit moving. In between axe blows, Lisseer moved up behind Epod and fired an arrow right into the under the thing’s jaws. The stupid apes had this one chained to the wall; it couldn’t get out of the room to fight us better. What kind of stupid way to keep a guardian beast? How is it supposed to hunt down the ones that run away?
I found a few sets of booted ape tracks passing through here. One of them belonged to the hairy Vanderboren whelp. Another set belonged to the traitor-ape, Roland. I couldn’t wait to sink my claws into him! I also found more two-legged lizard tracks and some kobold tracks. The kobold prints were something new, I hadn’t seen them in the other parts of the tunnels. We still hadn’t found the thing making the lizard tracks. I hoped that the Lotus Dragons didn’t have a pet dinosaur down here somewhere. Of course, the stupid apes would chain the thing to a wall so it wouldn’t be much of a challenge for us. I told the others to watch out for a dinosaur and if we found one to try and take it alive so we can use it.
In the room beyond the spider-crab chamber, we got attacked by a big dead bugbear. I didn’t know that attack was coming; I hadn’t seen any bugbear tracks. Most likely it was because dead bugbears don’t usually walk. Smiley rammed forward into it with his horns. He knocked it back into the far wall and Lisseer and I moved in behind him. Lisseer shot an arrow into its dead flesh. I pulled out my scimitar and started hacking into it. There’s no fun in tearing into a zombie with your claws Grazzel, they don’t scream in pain or squirt blood all over you. Epod stepped in to help us hack at the zombie. It was a big one Grazzel, it took a lot of hacking before it stopped moving. This was another room that only had a table and chairs in it. At least this time we had a zombie to fight. This room had only one door leading out. On the other side we found a room with a big map of the entire city of Sasserine painted on one wall! The wall opposite was covered with markings of stolen thoughts. The map had different colored flags on some of the buildings around the city. Tracker HQ was marked with a red one. The Vanderboren hovel had a gold flag on it. One of the other noble ape estates was marked in red. The garrison posts were either blue or gold. Lisseer thinks that the map can tell us what businesses the Lotus Dragons had ties to in the City. We can use that information for our own business. There was a table with a few scraps of stolen ideas laying on it. I made sure not to touch them or to look at the wall opposite the map for very long. I didn’t want to take any chances of having my soul stolen. Smiley read the stolen ideas while Lisseer tried to pick the lock on the door leading out of here. This was the first locked door we found since we came down here. The lock was too had for him to pick so we had to think of something else. It was also too hard for my drill. I drilled a few holes beside the lock to look inside the room. I could see a hallway that ended in another door about twenty feet beyond this one. I gave my crowbar to Epod and he pried the door open so we could get to the next one.
The next door led to yet another hallway. Apes like this tunnel design. This hall had two doors; the sound of hissing was coming from the farthest door. I moved to listen at the closer door. I crept up and listened at this door and heard the traitor-ape Roland chanting to his god! I also heard a female ape talking to someone called Tugger. I could feel my anger rising when I heard Roland’s voice. I didn’t know who this Tugger was, but I was more than ready to show them who Gor-Gore Gut-Ripper was! I waited long enough for Petunia to use one of her magic wands to give me magical armor and then I shoved the door open and charged into the room.
Godsday, Richfest 4, 596 CY
I burst into the room to find myself between a tattooed ape bitty holding a fancy blade and a big green lizard! This lizard was almost as big as Epod and it had a yellow crest on its back. Roland was standing in a doorway leading out of this room and started chanting as soon as he saw me. As soon as I charged in, the tattooed bitty shouted “Now Tugger!” and the two of them tried to attack me. I say “tried” because it was such a pathetic attack. The lizard snapped forward and tried to bite me but he missed me by an entire goblin width! The ape bitty slashed down with her sword, aiming for my neck but she also missed me! Maglubiyet’s blessing was on me just then Grazzel! I turned my fury onto the tattooed bitty and slashed at her with both claws using all my strength. I felt them both connect and rip flesh. I heard her scream in pain, felt the warm blood run over my claws, and felt her entrails pulsing in my hands. I begged Maglubiyet for the chance to kill this one and he gave me a great surge of energy and I tore out one gore-streaked claw-full of entrails and plunged my other claw into her neck. She fell, blood gurgling from the holes in her throat. I could see the shock in her eyes as she died. Humans give themselves false confidence and hide their weaknesses from themselves. This bitty underestimated the fury of Gor-Gore Gut-Ripper the Hurtful, Dread Hunter of the Ferocious Talons even though she had the traitor-ape Roland to tell her how deadly I was.
Epod charged in behind me to kill the lizard. Smiley breathed his fire at it before ramming the lizard with his horns. The lizard fell when Smiley rammed it. The traitor-ape Roland ran from the room like the scared little bitty he is. Lisseer and I chased him into the next room in time to see a part of the wall closing. By the time we found the hidden door, Roland was nowhere to be found. We found a short hall that opened into a small room with a shaft in the floor and a door in the wall. The shaft smelled like it led to the canals. It looked just big enough for a goblin to squeeze inside so even though I didn’t think that the traitor-ape could have escaped down there, I had Lisseer fire an arrow in the shaft just in case. I went back to the room with the dead tattooed bitty and found Roland’s tracks. He fled through the hidden door but then his tracks just stopped on the other side. He must have used some magic to escape. Traitorous coward! We never did find out what god he worshipped. No matter what god it is, it won’t protect him when we sacrifice the half-ape to Maglubiyet once we catch him! After I saw that his tracks just stopped like that, I left Lisseer to check out the lock he found on the door and went to go scalp the ape b#@$@ I killed. I found Smiley and Epod hacking away at the lizard they killed. Petunia was busy looking around in the room that must have been the bitty’s bedchamber. Only a pink ape bitty would have that kind of junk. I had nearly finished scalping the ape bitty when I heard Lisseer yell out in pain. We ran to him to find that he had turned a little greenish. He showed us the dart that shot him as he tried to open the door. He could barely stand up he was so weak, and he was turning horrible shades of green and yellow. He looked terrible; green and yellow are good skin colors for goblins Grazzel, but not for cats! I examined his wound and decided that he must have been poisoned. None of us had any antitoxin, so Petunia did the best she could to try and help him. No Grazzel, she wasn’t much help. None of us were; that’s why we need you to help him recover. Praise Maglubiyet for granting one such as you the healing talents you have Bonded One!
In the room behind the trapped door, we found three treasure chests. All of the Lotus Dragons loot now belongs to the Talon’s Trackers! Lisseer opened the first chest and we were all awed by the sight of the gold that the needles in the floor took us by surprise. These needles came shooting out of the floor into our feet. The pain wasn’t as bad as the fact that it took some time to pull out all the needles before we could walk again. Luckily none of the apes stumbled in while we were tending our wounds. Epod dragged two of the chests out of the room. The third one wouldn’t move so I climbed on top of it and used the keys I found on the tattooed bitty to unlock it. I heard a heavy metallic clang sound and the floor shook like I had either just reset the floor trap or I disabled it. The chest didn’t open. It wasn’t really a chest after all, just a part of the trap. I had to leap from the chest to the hallway since I wasn’t sure. The other chests were filled with gold and gems. A lot of it was in silk bags with the Vanderboren symbol on them. It’s too bad that the whiny whelp’s ugly brother stole all her money to spend on the Lotus Dragons. It’s too bad she’s not getting any of it back either. What? Of course I’m being sarcastic Grazzel, that stupid cur isn’t going to see any of her money back! It’s all ours now! That money will pay to undo the damage that the Lotus Dragons did when they smashed up Tracker HQ.
The door where I heard the hissing sounds only had a heated pool of water in it. The hissing noise was made by water dripping on heated coals. I found an empty bucket and filled it with hot coals, thinking that it might come in useful. There weren’t any more halls or doors down this section of the tunnels so after we finished looting the ape bitty’s bedchamber and the treasury, we dragged the chests back to the room where we killed the six apes dressed like training dummies. We left the chests there while we went to check out the dining room. It had a cage with some half-dead looking birds in it. Smiley wanted to eat them but I wouldn’t let him since we could sell them to the city apes for pets. Or we could take them back to eat later once we were done. Lisseer reminded everyone that we still hadn’t found you yet, and that was the reason we were here. There were two doors leading out, one of them led to a short hall that connected to the hallway outside the bunkroom that Lisseer found. The other door had kobold tracks in front of it and a lot of sand scattered around near it. When Epod opened the door, an iron pot of boiling acid flew at his head, narrowly missing him before crashing into the wall. Somebody rigged it to fling out of the fire at the door. Clever work, this must have been set up by the kobold. Apes aren’t that clever. I cautioned everyone against killing this kobold; we might me able to hire it. This room was a kitchen filled with a horrid stink like the smell that comes from your cauldron when you’re working. There was a small pantry with more of our new stuff in it and another door that opened to a sand-covered room.
There were sea shells scattered all over the sand and a female kobold trying to hide among a pile of rags and cushions. I gave her the chance to surrender and she wisely took it. After I locked her in my set of small manacles, I knocked her out with the hilt of my scimitar. What? Oh, now she’s waiting in one of our cells. Smiley wants to have a go at her but I don’t think I’m going to let him. She won’t be any good to us after he breaks her. I’ll let him play with her if she’s too stupid to take my employment offer.
We left the unconscious, manacled kobold hog-tied to one of our new chests so she couldn’t get away if she woke, and circled back to the bunkroom. I took the opportunity to crap in one of the beds. Epod did the same. Beyond the door in here, we found a short hall and yet another swollen wood door. I heard more spider-crabs behind it and decided we should swing all the way back around to check for any hidden passages that we missed. We had been down here for a few hours now and only found one suspicious area. I didn’t want to kill any more of the spider-crabs if we didn’t have to. We could use them either as guardian pets or exotic animals to sell to the city apes.
Godsday, Richfest 4, 596 CY
Lisseer found a hidden door at the end of a short hall across from the room where I killed the apes I found sitting at the table. It opened to a round chamber with two doors leading out and a ladder leading up. At the top of the ladder, I found an empty, abandoned building that looked out onto Dead Dog Alley. This building was across the street from the Taxidermist’s Guildhall. The northernmost door led to an angled tunnel that had arrow slits overlooking a larger cavern with a pool of water. The tunnel ended in another round chamber. Another ladder up to another abandoned building. Another door leading to another tunnel with more doors. The first door we opened was a room of Lotus Dragons. I threw them the ape bitty’s head that I cut off after I finished scalping her. They panicked seeing that bitty’s head land near them. Epod charged in and killed two of them before they recovered. The other two tried to flee. They ran through a wall made of mist and into the water filled cavern that we had seen earlier. What? Yes, I said mist, I’m getting to that. Now shut up and listen before I let Smiley use you to practice with his new knives. Lisseer dropped one of them in the water with his arrows. I leaped after them and pounced on the other one, tearing him apart with my claws. The one Lisseer had shot was still alive so Petunia kept him from bleeding to death and we put him in Smiley’s manacles. We needed at least one prisoner. We had killed all the other apes we found. The wall of mist looked like the wall of the cavern from the side I was on. It took me a minute to be able to see through it and see the room beyond. The apes had paid good money for an illusion like that. I hope it was paid for with the Vanderboren whelp’s money. The big cavern had another tunnel across from where I was so I swam over to check it out. I found crocodile prints on the other side and could hear one hissing from around the corner. I crept up to see that it was chained to the wall and decided to leave it alone. Another good animal we can use later. I went back to the others and we continued our search for you.
In the next room we found three apes dressed in robes standing over a fourth ape that was tied to a table. The room had all the markings of a torture chamber. I hoped that Smiley would be able to keep hits wits and not drool all over the iron maiden while the rest of us killed the apes. The three robed apes proved no challenge. Like the rest of the pathetic Lotus apes, they died quick under the assault of the Talon’s Trackers. The ape tied to the table begged us to free him. He said he was a merchant that the Lotus Dragons had captured in the city above and that he could pay us well for saving him. He had us pegged all wrong. I tried to get him to place a value on his life. He couldn’t tell me how much money it was worth to him for us to untie him so I threw my bucket of hot coals into him. Things happened fast then. I told Epod to knock him out but the ape sat up quick and the ropes fell off of him. The ape had enough time to pull out his blade before attempting to roll past us toward the door. He didn’t make it very far. What surprised me was that he wasn’t dead. Epod hit him hard like I told him to, intending to knock him out and then the rest of us made sure that he went down. Still, I expected him to be dead. He wasn’t so we stripped him and put him in manacles too. Now we had three prisoners; one kobold and two apes. We found a small bedroom off of the torture room and a hall lined with cells. I’m sure you know the next part Grazzel, I found you in a cell while Smiley and Petunia were busy searching the torture room. Then we found those spider crabs and then the crocodile ate the prisoner we left in the cavern. We threw a body to the spider-crabs for food and then we left taking our prisoners, our new treasure chests, and our rescued Grazzel.
Now you need to finish that remedy you’re making and go tend to Lisseer. He can still shoot his bow, but he has a hard time standing and walking. The rest of us are going to finish looting the Lotus Dragon tunnels while he recovers…