Greatings lads and lasses, I am Captain Jose Monkamuck. I may not be the brightest box in the crayon, but I'm wise soul underneath. I shall attempted to share with you my recent experiences in the wide world.
It all began when I was hanging out at the arena providing a spot of healing for those gladiators silly enough to actually get injured, when I met two new comers. One was rather stuff individual going by the name of "The Brutard" who had decided to retire from adventuring to pursue a career in the Arena. Frankly the candy as*ed tighwad will be luck to last a week, but his friend was a decent sort.
Owen Da Fighter is a competent, if not especially impressive individual and part of an adventuring party. Of course any retirement in an adventuring party is also an opening for new memebers. As I was bored out of my skull just sitting around the arena healing people, I leapt at the new opportunity.
Shortly there after I was introduced to Livinia Vanderboern. A suprisingly tough young noble lady. Frankly spoils the whole image of the nobility being pansy a$$es. Still I doubt most of her extended relatives could find their backside with a map and navigator. Then I was introduced to the rest of the adventuring crew.
Sir Ineptus is a big brawny type, and like most you could probably fit his brain in thimble. I will admit that the boy can beat face pretty well, too bad that's about all he's good for. Apparently he's also got a thing for REALLY older ladies. At least the lad has enough sense to worship a strong diety like Kord.
Lady Tightbutt may not be her real name, but it's what the crew has come to call her. An elven mage, who recently took up the vows of some silly a$$ed god named apollo. Not sure who he is but he somes to be one of the lovely dovey healer types. BAH. As mage she may be fragile, but I'd be rather respectful of the power she is packing. She also happens to be the older lady that sir Ineptus is into, much to her distaste. Unlike her taste in gods, her taste in men is rather good, so poor sir Ineptus will not have much of a chance. Although frankly the only approach that will likely ever for him on any woman is the good old "cash in hand".
Owen Da Fighter is, surprise surprise, a fighter. He tends to weild a variety of weapons to suite the situation, and is pretty competent. Although from what I've heard he can also be very inaccurate, but i've yet to see it. Something of a glass jaw sorry to say. Still he is a follower of Kord, so that says something for him.
Rounding out our party is a druid. A fairly comely lass, although usually far too furry for my taste. I didn't catch her name at the time, and haven't had a chance since. She spent most of the time on the ship either in her cabin, or trying to stand the worst case of sea sickness I've ever heard of. Her retching could be heard for miles, actually managed to frighten away the sea gulls.
As for myself I spent several years training to beat things to death with my bear hands before I entered the temple of Kord for training. Ah Kord. The only worthwhile god for adventurers. After all every fight is a form of worship. In his name I shall beat, pummel, gouge, spit, and cheap shot with glee and abandon all who draw my wrath. Go ahead, mock my god, you look like you could with a good a$$ whooping.
After meeting my new found chums I discovered they had a ship, and one that was sadly lacking a captain. Now I've got quite a bit of experience with ships, and more importantly I like shouting orders at people. So I immediately claimed the position. These fellows might be full of book learning, but common sense tends to be a tad lacking. Fortunately there was no arguements, so I didn't have to show anyone what their liver looks like.
The first mate that our boss had hired immediately caught might attention. A rather good looking wench, but looks aren't everything. I shan't repeat in full what she said, as I don't want to shock the faint of heart, but with apparopriet beeping it goes something like: "Hello you BEEP BEEP BEEPING Captain. The BEEPING crew are BEEP and BEEPING ready. And if you screw with me I will BEEP BEEP BEEP you in the BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEPING with a BEEPING BEEP BEEP. Got that you BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"
What I can I say, it was love at first cuss. I never thought I'd find a lass to capture me heart the way, but she had. I decided then and there I'd make her mine. The other arrivals were quick and it seemed as if things would be relatively painless. Then I heard that one nitwit hadn't shown up on time. After confering with my employer and finding out that someone had paid very handsomely to make sure this joker ended up far from the city I was forced to wait.
When the inbred twit of a noble finally showed up I easily understand why someone wanted him far from here. The jackenape called himself Avner, but I called several things that can't be repeated in polite copany. Fortunately he doesn't count as polite company. I told him to get his stuff onboard because we were leaving, but the moron was too busy so busy talking about his horse he forgot to relay that order to his servents. So I don't consider it my fault when order us to make sail and they were still sitting on the dock. When the waste of air tried to complain I told him that it would be really hard to talk when he was holding his teeth in both hands. So he went below deck to sulk.
Some how this completely untrue rumor started circling the ship that I was offering money to anyone who could lock Avner in his cabin for the day. This is completely untrue and I have no idea how it started. Although it is true that I have this small hole in my pocket that once in a while a gold piece might fall out near some worth individual. That these individuals just happened to be the ones to lock Avner in his cabin that morning is pure coincidence.
A few days out we brought the ships togather and had a party in honor of our voyage. Thanks to some copious amounts of rum I managed to get Amella to open up to me. After finding out about what happened to her husband I promised to help track down the bastard that did it. I think we should use his chums to chum the water and then throw him to the sharks. Such and interesting word chum. It may take a while for her to accept me, since she still remembers her late husband. But I'll land her for good someday, after all no other man will love her foul mouth the way I do.
Ho Hoy mattes. Now before I tell you about de other fellows, I have a secret to tell you; I'M A DWARF! I could tell it was going to be a bad day right from the start. I woke up extra early to peg the door to the noble guy in the bottom of the ship. First person to do that every day ends up a gold richer, not that the captain had anything to do with that. But that's a different story.
Anyhoo, I didn't get to it first, they caught me a net but captain was around so I didn't even get to wallop one of them for their trickery, captain insisted on doing it himself. Hearing that snob cry every morning is like having an extra ale for breakfast. The day was a boring one, most exciting that happened was a passenger had his chest ripped wide open and a big blue frog popped out nearly killed our the snob. The thought of not having any more entertainment was worth the risk. I was so happy for some walloping that the dang thing got me good and Sir Ineptus got the killing blow. And this was only in the first half of the day.
That night on the night watch, a big sticky ooze got the better of me. I hardly got started on him before he swallowed me and put me out. Another fellow member cast some reincarnating thing on me; that magic is crazy stuff. Guess Kord wasn't ready for me to go see him. Anyways, I woke up a Dwarf, not sure if this is good or bad. I miss ducking for doorways.
Alright, my crew.
There's Cap'n Jose Monkamuck, it's the best thing that could happen; he is a cleric of the great Kord and I get to help wallop the crew when they don't get to work fast enough when he is busy with the first mate.
Then there's Sir Ineptus, yeah he can kill things, but he always has his guts on the outside till someone sticks him back together. He always forgets what tactics are, charging ahead like he's Kord himself... oh well, gives us a couple extra seconds while they focus fire on his meat bag. Just like with our enemies, he rushes too much with the ladies. He asks the elf out several times a day. Amazing she hasn't done what always happens when he gets ahead of himself. I'm willing to bet 10 gold that within 2 months, she will.
And where would our group be without Lady Tightbutt. Till captain, she was our magical medic. What I can't heal with herbs and stuff, she did her finger waving with a stick to glue us back together. She is afraid of getting up with the action, but she has quite a punch with that magic of hers. That fireball and spider webbing she does are great tactical abilities for us. Not to mention her longbow that always seems to hit it's mark hard.
Last, we got our leopard of a finger wiggler. She does that stuff with nature and for some crazy reason, she doesn't keep any of the booty for herself. She gives it all to some charity. Now, if it was to the church of Kord, I could understand, but it's not. I could have bought two nice swords with the swag that she keeps throwing away like that. Can't be too hard on her, she did give me this second chance at live, mind you, I got a dwarf body cause of it. Depending on how this goes, I'll forgive her for this mix up; eventually.
Why, Da Fighter is uglier than I thought...what copious...teeth?...Fangs?
Your skin is a lovely shade of...grey!?
Keep up the Journal guys. We who have long been fans of Turin's Journal will definately be checking up on you guys. For the record, I'm afraid I am the one who coined Sir Hexen Ineptus' moniker. Should he join this forum, I am prepared to be mocked in return.
Cap'n Monkamuck, congratulations on joining the STAP and crew of the Sea Wyvern. And thank you so much for getting rid of Brutard...we all hated him. And I curse a fellow DM (who shall remain nameless for the shame..) who kept telling me that the Crusader was cool...lying B!7(H...
after all no other man will love her foul mouth the way I do.
Tis far too much information, oh Cap'n my Cap'n.
Da Fighter: To you I say, you are now a Dwarf. I suggest going to YouTube, look up D&D PSA and listen to what Tordek has to say about 'Dwarven Customs', it shall serve thee well. And now as a dwarf, you can complain about everyone around you talking like dwarves all the time. Stupid no-beards. And should you so choose, inflict upon yourself 'Goldeneye', the dwarven lust for gold and gems that is apparently a real dwarven disease (dragons have it too). And this is from an actual book too. Either Draconomicon or Races of Stone is where it is mentioned I believe. Drinking problem too, if Da Fighter didn't have one already, hanging out with such scaliwags. I know I'd be driven to drink.
((To try and keep out of character and in character seperate I will post anything out of character in the double parenthesis. Also the reason that the title of this thread is "with peanut gallery" is that I'm extending an open invitation and request to everyone who reads this to please post your responses, suggestions, complaints, etc. Feed back is always nice.))
Our first landfall was at a dinky little fort whose name escapes me at the moment. It was a run down place that offered little other then drinking and whoring. I think Amella would gut me if I cheated on her, so I bought her some rum, as it was the only other worthwhile thing there.
After considering things Da Fighter, Sir Ineptus and I decided that we should spend the evening in deep and respectful worship of the god Kord. So of course we went looking for the nearest barfight. Kord is a god of battle and contest and there is no better place to worship him properly then on the battlefield. Spying a huge brawl spilling out of one of the cheaper taverns we took a minute to call upon his glory we waded into the melee with the most holy battle cry of "COME AND GET IT YOU CHICKENSH*T PANSIES!"
Ah what a glorious evening of worship it was. After several minutes of pummeling, kicking, gouging and even biting the snot out of everyone in the vicinity there remained only we three devoted followers of a glorious god. We promptly turned the weaker and more cowardly ones over to the local constables. The few truly worthy opponents that had been there we laid down in a local inn. Kord respects the strong and the brave after all.
As we sailed further along the coast we saw some truly horrific landscapes. Giant webs, trees full of totems, huge sacrafice pits. I'm not sure I want to come back to this continents.
During this peaceful voyage we did have a little trouble. First we heard some commotion in the bottom hold. Da Fighter and Sir Ineptus hurriedly opened doors and ran down stairs. I however had a quicker way. So calling on the protection of my diety I quickly lept down threw the hatch to the bottom level and came face to face with the biggest blue toad I'd ever seen. For a moment I thought it must actually be dumber and uglier then even Sir Ineptus, but then I remembered who I was thinking of and realized I was wrong on both counts. The battle proceeded quickly with Da Fighter getting most of his guts ripped out and crawling away, and Sir Ineptus nearly doing the same before finally cleaving through the beasty.
Many days later Lady Vanderbourn called for the ships to dock and the mouth of a river to take on fresh water and rest. Remembering what I'd seen on the shore previously I called her a flaming loony among other less polite accolades, but she persisted and I relented. I was proved right when a giant peace of sea snot came on board and started beating the tar out of everyone in sight. The less said about the fight the better, but I'm afraid Da Fighter did not survive.
It turns out that Da Fighter was carrying around a scroll of Reincarnate that our druid was able to gasp out between retches. I'm afraid he returned to us in the body of a dwarf. I heard he had something going on with a crew member known to most as "The Tomboy". She has yet to hear of his new status. Hope she likes 'em short.
Now now, I'm told my personality is lacking, but I'm no ulgy fighter. ((MY charisma might be a 6, but my cummliness is not the same)). And who said I have a drinking problem. I drink plenty of ale (or better if it's around). Let me know who is saying that I don't drink enough, I'll whack overboard and just have to take their ration of ale for this voyage too.
Lady Vanderbourn
Hrmmm ... interesting spelling of your patron's last name ... ^_^
And Da Booger o' the Sea was not so immediately encountered dear Cap'n ... of course, with your 9 INT, I can see why ... :P
KUTGW fellas!
'The Tomboy' looks down at her newly-minted dwarf without a beard.
"Well, that will depend on whether or not he has the right equipment any more ..."
Seriously...Da Fighter...go find the Tordek D&D PSA about 'Dwarven Customs'. You Tube it, trust me.
To my lady the Floozy...Dwarves have their 'stability' bonus for a reason. A trait normally only shared by races with more than two legs. *Wink*
I think she catches my drift.
To my lady the Floozy...Dwarves have their 'stability' bonus for a reason. A trait normally only shared by races with more than two legs. *Wink*
Oohh, well now ... that shall make things far more ... exhilirating.
Girlish giggling
"Once you have your vitality back Owen, I think I am glad you are now dwarven ... at least you can't get me in the family way while showing a young woman a good time..."
I, we have our stability alright, all that time on a ship. Need to keep from the crew not lucky enough to get some booty from a good woman. Not the treasure booty, that comes later, but the hammock breaking type in the middle of the night type. This dwarven body is great, I never felt so healthy and my endurance has never been better.
Seriously...Da Fighter...go find the Tordek D&D PSA about 'Dwarven Customs'. You Tube it, trust me.
Increadibly. That human, tordek, captured a dwarf almost perfectly. He needs to work on a couple things. If he only had another ale in that short a time, he would qualify for abilities that only a dwarf could get. And it looks like his elven women there made him shave within the last year. Still, impressive for a human. May his bear grow long and his evil knowledge of the truth of the elfs speard wide.
GIVE ME MORE ALE
I just love the 'Dwarven Greeting' for human women. Wouldn't that get Torsin Tightbutt's panties in a twist.
And if he's not as ... limber ... as he used to be, you can always tie the beard to a light-fitting to stretch the little beggar into position.
Oh dear, I got sucked into the suggestive Dwarven kama sutra conversation.
Oh well now ... with an average lifespan of several centuries, one would think dwarves would have quite a body of ... lore ... on such matters.
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one would think dwarves would have quite a body of ... lore ... on such matters.
"I say, Carstairs, come and look at these runes - they look more like heiroglyphs. In fact, they almost look like pictures. Let me see, ... that's a leg, and a beard, and ... could that be a bosom? If so then one just needs to look at it from this angle and ... oh dear Lord, I'm blind!"
one would think dwarves would have quite a body of ... lore ... on such matters."I say, Carstairs, come and look at these runes - they look more like heiroglyphs. In fact, they almost look like pictures. Let me see, ... that's a leg, and a beard, and ... could that be a bosom? If so then one just needs to look at it from this angle and ... oh dear Lord, I'm blind!"
"Can she do that George? Lenny wants to watch!"
I just love the 'Dwarven Greeting' for human women. Wouldn't that get Torsin Tightbutt's panties in a twist.
" Lenny likes dwarven greetings George ... " multiple female shrieks and a massive slapfest ensues " ... I don't feel so good George... "
I will admit its strange that this hasn't come up before....but I am not inclined to ask exactly how our lady of the magicky stuff came to be called
"Torsin Tightbutt" ??? I am somewhat forced to assume she must be a bit...
stuckup?
From what I understand of Lady Tightbutt's cruel coquettish playing with Sir Ineptus, I think perhaps it is meant to imply something being stuck.
Sir Ineptus, should you hear this, the fact that she rebukes you mean that she really likes you.
That she has doused you with flames in the past is but a metaphor for the her fiery passion for you and I could go further...but I won't.
Torsin Tightbutt was - if memory serves - a name I slapped on a female half-elven druid character back in 1e, with a high Comliness score. 'Tightbutt' refers to one of her more ... 'easy on the eyes' anatomical features...
In this case, the player does not fit the bill per se, so the newer suspicions of her surname are far more entertaining...
Greetings once again lads and lasses. Sorry for not spinning new tales for you sooner but Amella was feeling a mite frisky, if you know what I mean. Recently we set ashore, yet again over my vigorous protests. Unfortunately our navigator had it in his contract that we needed to stop. Now I can run a ship with the best of them....but them little numbers and readings leave yours truly befuddled and bewildered, so ashore we went.
Apparently the little bugger wanted to explore some monster infested ruins. There were a few small fights and some rather annoying traps, but no great danger or excitement. Yours truly has a funny feeling that this may be the calm before the storm.
There was only one interesting fight, wish a little glowing blob of zappage that our lady Tightbutt refered to as a "will'o'the whisp". Whatever the little bastard was called it was hidden up in one of the rooms. Sir Ineptus managed to hear it breathing, despite it being invisible. We didn't believe him at first, since he has earned his monicker for a reason. To silence our doubting he took a swing a the bugger.
A brief fighter ensued in which lady Tightbutt and Sir Ineptus both tried repeatedly to talk it out of fighting, the daft buggers. As a result they just pissed it off more. In the meantime I backed it into a corner and Da Fighter stabbed it over my shoulder with his longspear. In short order the glowing piece of snot bit the big one and we were able to rest for a while.
As our travels resumed we had a run in with a rather run down pirate crew. The poor blighters were nearly slaughtered wholesale. Since we say them coming I was able to spend nearly a full minute calling upon the blessing of Kord to wipe the floor with the pansies. The only one who wasn't more fragile then a glass hammer has been turned over to the "tender mercies" of Sir Ineptus.
We did try to make landfall at a town that proved not to be inhabited anymore. Our finger wiggling kitty claimed that the arrows were lizardfolk made, but I didn't really care. In a fight of The Captain vs An Entire Town, I wouldn't be putting the money on me. So you can imagine my feelings about The Captain vs What Killed An Entire Town. Needless to say we left as fast as the winds would take us.
I have to say I am really liking Cap'n Monkamuck. He is a great improvement over Brutard, whose commentary would have been rather monosyllabic I'd imagine. Brutard smash! And Heal!
And I do apologize on constantly bagging on the character, but as a DM I totally understand and agree with his assessment of the character. And if you as a player could come up with someone as entertaining as the Captain, then I know my opinion has improved.
Cap'n vs Thing that killed the town, pretty bad odds I'd say.
I have to say I am really liking Cap'n Monkamuck. He is a great improvement over Brutard, whose commentary would have been rather monosyllabic I'd imagine. Brutard smash! And Heal!
And I do apologize on constantly bagging on the character, but as a DM I totally understand and agree with his assessment of the character. And if you as a player could come up with someone as entertaining as the Captain, then I know my opinion has improved.
Cap'n vs Thing that killed the town, pretty bad odds I'd say.
Filth flarn vulgarity profanity, get IN here Cap'n, 'fore I keel haul you as foreplay ...
Amella likes it that rough eh? Hope you got the jewels to take it oh Cap'n.
I will never understand why someone would want to go ashore just to sketch some old ruins but of course, our navigator, one of the people that we couldn't replace wanted to do just that. We made shore earlier on in the month along a jungle path. Now concidering we are experienced at dealing with monsters of all types, we were not worried, but Mr. map reader is not. Our first greeting from a local could have very easily made our travels very difficult. We got plenty that can crew a ship, I can read part of them, but that dam man must be reading somewhere else; he see's stuff that I would have never found myself. Our first encounter could have been very dangerous; a dreaded basilisk. Now, a follow of kord, these little things do not scare the likes of me, even with there stoning ability, but that dang Urol's is a different matter, I might not know magic, but even if statues can read a dang map, it's not going to be able to point us in the right direction, ever. Luckily, it only got look as us before it was chopped into sirlion.
I would have to say the scariest part came next, our navigator decided to go right becasue that was his dominant hand, he decided which direction we to ge based on his DOMINANT hand. The next time he says go right, I'm going to have to question his logic. Anyways, I don't know what it is, but another ball of snot, apparently called a gibbering mouther or something, I tend to fall asleep during our finger wigler's speaches on such things. Anyways, I think this one tried to talk to me, but if it was asking us to leave, it tasted like purple. Anyways, it was in the way, so it got the normal meat cleavers put up to it. I don't know the count from the last ball of snot, but this one must have had thousands of bones in it's little well house.
Now, my memory isn't too clear anymore from then on, seems the mummy rott I acquired to save the team has affected my memory We went left next and found a large recreation of a city on the floor. After the last ordeal, we were extra careful with our companion. As the tactical leader, I sent two of the crew forward to check the room, I sent the toilet paper reader and someone else, I can't seem to remember right now. They were checking for traps or ambush when a great wall of fire came out of the wall. The rest of the evening is a blur to me but I distinctly remember smelling cooked chicken and a hearing a crying Urol. My memory during the rest of that day is just about gone. Apparently, mummy rott can do that to you. Alright, I'll have to see if I can remember this later. Hopefully, this will not last.
I see the Cap'n cruising along the boards.
Today is a good day.....
Surely everyone can think of how that sentence should end.
I actually shall take the time to wish the crew luck. Good Luck.
Ah what a crazy time it has been. Right after leaving some town that was completely ravaged by something, the tree hugger said it was some lizard people, but like the captain, really don't care to die like that. Our next interesting encounter was to freshen up our backup supply of water. Captain and the nature girl keep finger wiggling water daily but they want to make sure we are alright. Well, at one of our stops, a bit south of Fort greenrock we sent the crew out to collect some fresh water from a big old waterfall. We were on watch while they went out and did there thing when a seven headed hydra tried to attack. I have really had kord on my side that day for got several javalins into it; my first hit appeared to rip right through his back musules; it had a bit of a limb for the next 10 seconds it must have lived. Tightbutt was thrilled to use her impressive fireball thing to burn it nicely and Sir Ineptus was silly enough to charge the bugger, he got a nice hit but those hydra heads all looked hungry for flesh. After my first volley, we had hurt it so much it retreated to no effect, we finished it off without any problems. Seeing how this was my first encounter with one of these amazing beasts, I decided for the group that it would be a great trophy so I dove down and we kept it's corpse as a trophy for when we return home.
Next, our lovely noble entertainment almost got drawn and quarted by the captain, amoungst others. At some other point along our journey, we rested the night on land. That noble got it in his head that he would buy a slave from this town. Funny thing was, he was asking to buy the chieftan's daughter. Captain got a might blow in him family jewels followed by that women letter mother nature leek all over his uncousious face. Captian wouldn't let me keep up the torture so I got Joe, one of the crew to paint him an image to remind him of home. That lovely horse that we set free from him is not on the inside of his shack in his room. Mind you, I got the poor horse being murdered and his a$$hole horses name right underneath it all. I do what I can my make him feel at home. Also, I had the ingenious idea of recording for his boy's father of his travel and the unfortunate events that accidentally happened to him. For the money his father is paying, he should get details of the voyage for his jesture son.
After almost loosing a second person on this voyage, we kept going south for several weeks, there were a couple horrible storms but we pulled through them just fine. However, the other ship got lost somewhere along the way. We just kept going, sort of wish we hadn't. We ended up in a big old patch of green slime stuff. It has our ship stuck in place, don't remember what they called this stuff, but apparently, it is somewhat alive and the center of it has a lot of babies that don't like us being here. We found we could walk on this junk and went to another ship that looked like it might have been recently stuck. Now, I love seeweed for lunch, but not as a floor cover. This stuff got everywhere, I've never seen it pull a ship apart so quickly. We went aboard to see if we could save and cargo or corses. We found some living vine things, here the word assassin vine from someone but I've never heard of these, till now. These lively plants grabbed the druid and Sir Ineptus, almost killing them both in their might vines. Again, Tightbutt forgot to care about collateral damage and took out the room with the three of these house plants of doom. Sir Ineptus yet again was regected by tightbutt. Luckly, Sir Ineptus went fishing for the captain's journal, it survived and had bad news. They told of a horrible night of fighting off more of these things and had no luck at releasing their ship from this doomed fate. We immediately too off towards the hopefull center of this island of green. After almost a full day of travel, we reached another ship. Again, there were voices in my head, they told us to leave but since it wasn't kord telling me to leave, I just ignored it, like usual to voices I hear in my head. We took to the ship and immediately found more of those house plants. Only real danger is when someone doesn't cover the less combat inclided in the group, Sir Ineptus left Miss tightbutt to fend for herself and the dang thing got a good hit on her. Me and captain immediately got their attention and they quickly fell. Now, these things can't hit like we can, but they got Sir Ineptus and captain a couple of times and were constricting them like a boa. We continued through the ship to only find more of these monsters. Now, ships have small doorways and we are a group of five and when Sir Ineptus got caught in the houseplant's again, I made two more doors for us to use. These water lodded walls easily crumble before a mighty follower of Kord. With a bit 10 ft at least section removed, we quickly took up flank and finished off the vines. Now, we have two finger wiglers with not a lot of fight left and we hope the center of this problem right below us. Hopefully, I will have actually lived and returned to the ship to have written this journal.
Welcome again lads and lasses. A rousing adventure was recently had by all. After rapidly departing the ruined town we stopped a few days later at a stream to refill our water tanks. As the crew departed in one of the boats a great seven headed beast rose from the decks to attack the ship itself. The lucky bast*rds.
Well the only one to spot the attack was our fingerwaggling catlady, who was deguising herself as a bird of some type. She claims she's a falcon, but she did a good impression of a chicken as she flew away sqauking in fear from the beasty. This left yours truly as the only one in range to get mauled. The beasty did it's best with 4 of it's 7 heads making nasty chomps, one of them in an especially tender area. Sir Ineptus then proved true to form as charged forward and beat on the beasty. Da Fighter joined in with javelins and lady Tighbutt with her fireball that she had been soooo longing it cast. Our druid lady managed to stop doing her chicken impression long enough to an Ice Lance at the bugger. In short order the beasty was annihilated, although as usual Sir Ineptus got rather torn up in the process.
Along the way to our next destination Sir Ineptus continued with his usually attempts to seduce the lady Tightbutt. The fact that she usually bakes him in response does not seem to dissuade him. Frankly I think the boy ain't right in the head. Although he seems to be gaining a little resistance to the fires of her displeasure thanks to the often repeated exposure.
We stopped a charming little fishing village to buy supplies and enjoy a bit of rest. The pirate we captured was turned over to the locals since we didn't feel like feeding his sorry a$$ anymore, and I didn't think Kord would appreciate us just throwing him overboard. Turns out that he and the cheiftan have a bit of history. Sucks to be him.
Avner made the mistake of leaving his cabin when we arrived. Which would've been fine, we might have been able to "accidentally" leave him behind the next day. Unfortunately the moron decided to try and buy himself a slave girl. Now I follow Kord for crying out loud. I had to do something. So it kicked him in the nuts to shut his stupidity up before I threw him back on board. Our lady cat decided that wasn't sufficient punishment, so she bit his right where I kicked him. I hope the next lady he talks into his bed likes stumps. On that note apperently our little Tomboy does like'm short. She and Da Fighter spent the night on the ship.
After several uneventful days sailing we ended with our ships getting parted by a storm. Now I had sealed orders that I was only supposed to open if we got seperated. Like any good follower of Kord I opened the envelope weeks ago. So I knew we were supposed to simply GO ON LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED. Whey she couldn't just tell me this I have no idea. Women and their secrets, sheeh.
After a few more days sailing we woke up to find ourselves traped in a huge tangle of seaweed. The stories say that this is a huge evil island of seaweed. I've never gotten to kill an evil island before, this should be fun, assuming I survive.....
((I'm going to wait till next week and do the sargasso as one entry))
Arrr ... durah ... yar ? Scratches head in utter confusion. Avast and prepare to be ... duh ... lumbered?
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Good evening kind readers. This is the Journalist here posting my latest entry from my first adventure with Cap'n Jose Monkamuck and companions. You will find that a majority of the time I write, and that's sometimes it, at least until I am needed most. Then I will cast a spell or two to help the group out, and back to writing I go. Each adventure brings a new chapter to my journal. Each night following, I boldly share it with all of you. I hope you enjoy a bit of yammering from the newest member of the crew. I am known as "The Journalist".
Journal Entry 1
So, yet again we are on another adventure. The captain seems to think he is invincible. The dwarven fighter keeps asking me to touch his javelin. The barbarian is just plain crazy and sometimes does the most stupid of things. The wizard lady depends mostly on her magic, and should she ever get hurt, the expression on her face says “What the H*LL!” The Beguiler is unfamiliar to me as of yet. And now the captain is trying to convert her to worship his oh-so-overrated god of Kord. Oh boy, there goes the barbarian down the throat of the Thunder Lizard. Told you so! The Beguiler can speak more languages then is really normal for a single being. Oooohh, nice hit Dwarf! This is like watching an arena match with audience participation! Damn, I missed! Freaking magic spiritual weaponry. So unreliable. Ahhhh damn! It ate the Dwarf! Sorry got to go after it. Will be back for the play by play action! Ohhh GROSS! The Barbarian just sliced himself out of the stomach of the beast! Excuse me while I regain my composure.
Ok, back to our little rumble. I think it’s…
It’s defiantly dead and now I’m cooking the d*mn thing. Apparently my undiscovered skill is in cooking. I so want a purse or something out of this thing’s hide. There he goes again, “Touch my javelin’s” Apparently he has more then one now. I don’t want to know what happened to him while he was inside that thing. Apparently there is a ship that only I noticed in the distance that is an ally ship wanting to take everyone except the previously spoken companions. This guy by the name of Avner has been confined to his quarters for quite a while. I’m looking forward to meeting him to see if he is all that he is said to be. I see him being taken to the other ship as if he were about to be roasted on a spit.
This is going to be some good journaling from here on out. As we search the busted ship for the left over goodies, I come across 50lbs of food and two potions of curing moderate wounds! Not like I really need them, but h*ll, they can’t hurt. The food wont help either since this ring really helps with that and I don’t feel the need to sleep all that much. Speaking of sleep, it’s getting late. I think we should camp for the night.
I decided to grab of one of the Thunder Lizard’s foot claws to hopefully one day get a very cool dagger made. We apparently need to travel away from the blood stained site to avoid another attack.
We have finally settled down for the night were the captain feels is a safe enough location were we can finally sleep. I heal the party members that got devoured to almost full health. Feeling like we are going to find yet another encounter with a scary thing, but oh the good story writing takes root when those things rear their ugly head. After casting Endure Elements on half the party, while the captain gets the other half, we, much more comfortably, continue this so called quest. We continue through a vast jungle. It looks like we have stumbled across a group of plant eating giant lizards. A meteor has fallen here, and I’m thinking, d*mn, that would have been one cool night of writing should I been there. Apparently everyone has, I hope jokingly, come up with a battle cry of “Not the face!” I see trouble, lots of trouble ahead. I think I may have to be a little more proactive this fight. Will be back to tell all!
Ok, apparently there is enough time to watch and write before I get close enough to act. The Wizard seems to be pretty proactive this battle and shot one of the six large bird like creatures, that don’t look too capable of flying. I feel a little safer now that the captain has cast his spell. The Dwarf yet again has balls or a javelin the size of our boat as he charges the thing quite valiantly. Hoping we don’t have another appetizer this battle consisting of my companions. Ahhh, the joys of watching most of this happen is an immense sensation. I don’t think many people can get these battles from the audience’s perspective. Here is hoping this story will reach others so they can avoid groups like these. Here is also hoping I can keep these crew members alive so this journal can keep going. I hope the Interfaith Blessing spell helps make this fight a bit more exciting, at least for me and my writings. Ooohh, the Beguiler just got trampled! YES!....I mean, I coming!
It has been weeks since my last journal, but it has been a busy time. From my last journal aboard the Sargasso’s source aboard the remnants of a ship, we carved through the outer defenses quickly. The first defense of salad was poorly executed, we all had some good ideas but due to a lack of communication, we left our mage open for attack. Luckily, that did not last long and we learned from our mistake and continued on. The second wave died horribly against our might. Three more house salads were made from the lively vegetation amounts us. In the bow of the ship, we discovered the one responsible for this Sargasso. It was quite disappointing how easily she fell. The only threat was when it grabbed Sir Ineptus, surprise surprise who is getting mauled first and attempted to retreat into a great hole into the depths. The captain, being the captain he is “charged?” after it, well, jumped is a better word the beast as it tried to retreat. Then, for no reason, one of the two fellow sailors we discovered tucked away in the ship, slapped me and said “fly”. I still don’t see the problem but apparently something I said offended her. In the attempt to make friends between yet another divine healing person I’ve decided to turn my request into a tactical command word for give my flight. “Quick, touch my javelins” is apparently offensive to her god or something, whatever, maybe if she got her nose out of a book and realized what was going on she would understand what I was asking for instead. Still that flight was excellent for it let me get the killing blow against the fowl thing. And with that done, we all ran, I flew back to our ship and we got out of the area as soon as possible.
Not much longer, we saw our first look at the Island of Dread. From our first view, it appeared quite pleasant. We continued down the coast towards our destination when a hurricane came about. It was one of the worst I have ever seen in 20 years. We managed to survive the storm. The next day, the storm finally subsided and we hit a reef, smashing the front of the ship. We got our first taste of the area when a Masher fish attacked. It was a quick battle ending with Sir Ineptus striking a splitting blow against it. The captain decided that it would be interesting to try to eat it. Apparently, when cooked correctly, it is quite tasty. The captain has now declared that he is no longer the cook, ever again. We ship was in poor shape but we needed to keep moving. We continued through rough waters, making it as far as we could till we had to beach our ship for repairs. With incredible piloting, the ship came to a stop on the beach shore and didn’t roll around. This was our first steps on the Island of Dread and oh did does the island live up to its name. It is the most rewarding fight ever so far on our voyage that I can remember. Within minutes of landing, a might Tyrannosaurus Rex attacked. I had never seen one of these mighty beasts, only teeth and a part of a skull back in the Sasserine hall of trophies. I immediately shouted “Don’t aim for the head!!!!”. What a trophy this would make! It made us work for it however. Sir Ineptus and I charged straight in. We both have been developing techniques of using a great sword to tremendous affect. Sir Ineptus leaps at his target and placed a might blow against the beast. I charged in and prepared for a second attack of massive proportions. It wasted no time dealing with us. Its first volley of attacks and it swallowed him whole. We continued our normal destruction of our target. On my second attack, I almost hit it’s main leg vein but still got a might hit; against creatures of this size, accuracy is not as important as hitting mightily. It then made its way to me. Again, in a single attack, it swallowed me whole. Now, if you thought that getting in a head lock against a drunk that is a couple years overdue for a bath of some type was horrible. Imagine a completely dark constricting burning headlock all over from that same drunk. That is the closest you will ever get to experiencing being swallowed alive by a dinosaur. Luckily, I was able to quickly cut my way out of its belly before succumbing to unconsciousness for moments. Again, one of our newest members from the Sargasso trap was of use and healed the two of us again. We continued out beach scouting before beginning work on the ship. Now, how often do you have 4 tons of T-Rex meat to work with? So we had a much needed feast. Excellently prepared smoked and jerked T-Rex meet was made by the hundreds of pounds and all enjoyed it mightily. Not several hours later, we noticed a ship way off the coast, the blue Nixie. The second use of touch my javelins from our journalist and I headed off to the Nixie to get assistance. After much catching up and work, it was decided that six of us would continue on while the rest of the crew boarded the Blue Nixie. I have been keeping two copies of a journal of our nobleman’s entertainment value to the crew. One was “accidentally” left with the noble women in the hopes that they continue his voyage much in the same manor as he has enjoyed so far. I even had his door brought over with his white horse being stabbed painted on it taken over. The other copy was left with instructions to be delivered to that excuse of a man’s father should I not be able to soon. We said our goodbyes to the Nixie, I said goodbye to my women and left her a golden goblet we had won in battle as a reminder for her. According to the navigator, it will only be a 10 day journey, 2 weeks at the latest. I don’t see how he is getting this number but he is a far better navigator than I so I guess we are going to follow his advice right after throwing him on the ship despite his desire to follow us.
How could I forget? That T-rex has been completely used up. We have removed its head and started to remove the flesh from its skull. I single handedly picked up it’s monster head and moved it over to the beach shore. We took its arms for trophies to be tanned later as well as its feet. We hope to mount its might head on the front of our ship. Lavinia agreed to take it for us, considering we have had only one crew casualty, considering the odds, that doesn’t seem possible but we kept everybody alive. I currently have a tooth as a necklace, one of the smallest in its mouth, and it is 6 inches long. I will slowly carve it into a weapon or token on our journey.
So much has happened, I feel as though I am forgetting details. Should I remember them, I will have to add them later.
Well, after landing on the giant salad we decided to scout the nearby ships. We found one not too far away that was still pretty intact. Now seeing as how everything was rotting and we aren't morons I made sure everyone was using spears to test the footing before walking on it. This sort of saved us from a nasty ambush by a trio of vines. I'm not used to the vegetation trying to eat me frankly.
Unfortunately we still had to brave the vines to retrieve the captain's log. Sir Ineptus in a typical blend of stupidity and intelligence decided to try and retrieve it using a fishing pole. He managed to get the book back, but got himself caught in the process. Tempting as it would be to leave him there, we had to rescue him.
After perusing the log we decided to head to the center of the island and try to find the heart of things before we got swarmed over by walking veggies. Got there just as a whole freaking army started climbing out of the seaweed. We climbed on the nearest ship hoping it would either be almost defensible or what we're looking for. Thankfully it turned out to be the latter.
We got into two minor fights both of which were handled easily, no thanks to Sir Ineptus charging off in all directions. Yours truly got strangled a bit during it, but I was back to my charming, screaming self in short order. The druid decided to do her chicken impression yet again and fly away squaking. Fortunately we found two survivors to take her place. One was a blabbermouth who callers herself a "beguiler", all I know is that she is yet another finger wiggler, although a pretty useful one. The other lady to show up is a cleric of Fahlargn, who always has her nose in a journal she is writing. When she first told me who her god was I thought she had sneezed, but then I remembered about the flacky little travel god. Oh well, maybe we can get her to follow a real god at some point.
We finally headed downstairs and found a giant gibbering plant thing. I find it amusing that everyone but yours truly tried to hang back out of reach. Although after a moment or two Sir Ineptus finally proved true to form and charged right in. Many spells and javelins were thrown over head at the veggie bar, although Lady Blabbermouth didn't managed to do a damn thing.
Finally she scoops up Sir Ineptus and tries to slink back into her hole. I wasn't about to let the cowardly cucumber run away, so I lept screaming into the hole after her. After bouncing off her head I grabbed ahold and hung on to her as hard as I could. She decided to try and kamikazee us into the pit and jumped down 70feet. Not sure what was going on up above. All I could hear over her jabbering was "Touch my javelin", a slap and then Da Fighter came flying down into the pit to put the finishing touch on our salad. The whole island started breaking up at this point.
All I have to say is:
Islands 0
Captain 1
Mwahahahaha
Hehe, I finally figured out why I got slapped by the journalist the other day. I had hoped that it was just encouragement or something but now I get it, nobody even had to help me. Touch my javelins; I just hope my women doesn't hear about that she'll send me flying and when she does it, I won't be able to landing softly.
As a long avid reader of Turin's "Madman GMs the Savage Tide" thread and a follower of this thread since its inception, I would again like to thank you all for taking the time to post journal entries like this. Its great to see the differing points of view and opinions between your characters.
A big welcome as well to the Journalist! Welcome aboard and keep it up, you entry was particularly entertaining to read. 'Touch my Javelin' and the 'oh the Beguiler just got trampled! YES!..Oh I'm coming...' we just awesome.
Thanks everyone.
Any chance of getting Sir Ineptus to post a journal?...I'm not sure if I'd want to read it...but morbid curiosity is a failing of mine.
Torsin Tightbutt was - if memory serves - a name I slapped on a female half-elven druid character back in 1e, with a high Comliness score. 'Tightbutt' refers to one of her more ... 'easy on the eyes' anatomical features...
In this case, the player does not fit the bill per se, so the newer suspicions of her surname are far more entertaining...
The original Torsin was an elf wizard PC in the A1-4: Scourge of the Slave Lords campaign, I GM'd in 1987-1988. The original Torsin, sadly bought the farm when she fell into a spiked pit of acid, and died... Turin the Mad gave her the nickname 'Tightbutt', as the character's original name (given her by the player who created her-not by Turin) was just 'Torsin'.
The original Torsin was an elf wizard PC in the A1-4: Scourge of the Slave Lords campaign, I GM'd in 1987-1988. The original Torsin, sadly bought the farm when she fell into a spiked pit of acid, and died... Turin the Mad gave her the nickname 'Tightbutt', as the character's original name (given her by the player who created her-not by Turin) was just 'Torsin'.Torsin Tightbutt was - if memory serves - a name I slapped on a female half-elven druid character back in 1e, with a high Comliness score. 'Tightbutt' refers to one of her more ... 'easy on the eyes' anatomical features...
In this case, the player does not fit the bill per se, so the newer suspicions of her surname are far more entertaining...
I stand corrected good sir. ^_^
Well the captain has been falling behind in telling his tale, but I shall now correct that for all you patient lads and lasses. After leaving the Sargasso we headed for our goal, can't remember where that is now, but at least our navigator knows where we're headed. I think...
We ran into a rather nasty storm. Nothing our captain and trusty crew couldn't handle, if it hadn't been for that d*mn reef. As we got stuck on the reef a huge spiney looking fish surfaced nearby. It tried to chomp on various people including yours truly, but eventually it was chopped into pieces.
Now this particular kind of fish is apparently very tasty if prepared right. So we dragged it on board before we tried to get our ship loose. We were able to limp to the Isle of Dread. Oh joy.
After the storm passed and we landed I and the rest of our party got out to scout the area, leaving the crew to salvage what they could. Just after we got off the ship we got attacked by a giant lizard of some sort. The Journalist called it a Thunder Lizard or something like that. Sir Ineptus, Da Fighter and myself, being the adventuresome sorts, charged forward to beat on the beasty. It managed to swallow both Sir Ineptus and Da Figthter before fleeing like a coward. I of course ran after the beasty, but Sir Ineptus managed to barely finish it off while cutting his way out of it's stomach. That's why I always make sure my dinner is dead before I start eating.
After felling the giant lizard we cut the head off and put a quick spell on it to make sure it doesn't rot away. I think we have found our new figurehead for the ship. I am getting that thing mounted on the ship as soon as possible. We're going to get it rigged up so I make it open and close while still at the wheel of the ship. Da Fighter had the great suggestion of rigging it up so that I can talk and how it come out the mouth of the ship. That boy does me proud sometimes.
Well seeing as how we had a lot of supposedly good fish laying around I decided to try my hand at cooking. After dumping the results into the drink and watching the fish come belly up we instituted a new rules. THE CAPTAIN DOES NOT COOK. It doesn't matter how hungery you are, it's better to just eat it raw.
Eventually the Blue Nixie finally showed up and was able to take almost everyone. They didn't quite have enough room and our little adventuring party had to stay behind. Figures.
I sent the head of the lizard with Amella and some platinum to get it stuffed and preserved properly when she reaches port. In the mean time we packed up and moved off some.
The next day wasn't too interesting until we hit a meteor crater. It might be nice to try and scavange the area for metal, but I doubt we'll have time. There were some sodding enormous lizards wandering around. One of the baby ones was getting attacked by some large flightless birds nearby, so we got involved.
It was a short and sweet fight, but afterwards Blabbermouth somehow got the idea to try and befriend the giant lizard. Now I will say that our two finger wigglers lover their book learning, and I'm pretty bad at all that stuff. But book learning isn't all their is. Which is why I'm stand pretty and Blabbermouth in flattened.
Hey Sir Ineptus here,
In our travels through the jungle we came confronted with a number of those over grown animated turkey platters; I hate turkey. One of which appeared to be the alpha female of the lot. We dispatched them efficiently, and effectively, especially when in comparison with my kill of the thunder lizard. Although I will have a new scar and a truly great story of killing the stupid thing as I stabbed the stupid thing in it's heart as I fell out of it's stomach.... It was not the best executed of battles when in comparison to this one with the birds.
I am commonly found baffled where time and time again people have yet to grasp the concept on how I am effective in a fight, and some rudimentary tactics. I am best able to pull off my more powerful attacks if I am able to catch theme unready for the attack. I am fast to act and if I do not I will truly be an inept addition to the crew. Other problems such as limiting flanking back when we were fighting the walking vegetables on that blasted ship recked boat. I clearly was trying to keep from getting over run and blocking one of the doors hoping it was one of the faster ones. If we had all jumped up and blocked the doors the fight would have gone better. Maybe I should step up and try talking with the crew I commonly battle with, sense they can't seem to run with the flow I need to start.
We later came to face a number of some fearsome poisonous long bugs, which had a lot of legs. Although I did my job and took the hits I did, after that I was about useless due to the venom of these beasts... I wish I could have done more, but I had become nothing more than a walking target ready to be killed. The mages and the captain really shined in their tactics. I don't know why my fortitude failed me, I just hope it doesn't happen again.
Welcome Sir Hexen Ineptus. I'd glad you finally made it onto the boards so that we can hear your side of things as they occur. As a long fan of Allen and Turin's campaigns, for even competing in them, I do salute you.
Keep on posting, I definately want to hear more for Sir Ineptus. He seems like he's got a good sense of humor.