The Wallaby Prophet's page

I'm game! I can take over as DM for the round after this. I should be settled into my new home and job by then sufficiently to allow rational thought again.

The Prophet hops up, ignoring the offer of meat.

"Truly we are blessed who have the mighty Bomb. For it is said that he who holds the spice controls the universe!"

Poe bobs up and down, turning a glassy eye on the entrance of the squirrel. "I'm Poe... but I'm also called 'Fonz' it seems."

"Fonz, keeper of the Holy Ehhhh, opener of ways and finder of lost children. And you shall know his name in the Fonz when he lays his EHHHH upon you!" The Prophet then begins madly making strange paw gestures and saying "BOOM! BOOM! Boom-boom!"

"Right! Now that the aardwolf has been dealt with..." Prophet shakes himself and suddenly loses the outrageous accent, "What brings you lot to the Monastery on this fine day? The very same day that the Fonz has set me free from my moral captivity? Have you been saved? Have you seen the savings that Buy-Mor can promise? Have you seen the holy land where the shelves are never empty and the bakery flows with sweet pastries?"

I'm good either way, though the lowering of defenses as you take injuries might make combats go a lot faster and dissuade us from getting into them as much!

"Crikey! See right there? That's the badger fighting his natural enemy, the aardwolf! The thing about badgers is they always go for the man-berries! Let's see what happens when we kick it in the 'ead, eh?"

Brawling 4d6 ⇒ (2, 5, 4, 2) = 13
Damage: 3d6 ⇒ (6, 4, 1) = 11

"Crikey, lads! It's a common squirrel, Sciurus carolinensis! Let's see what happens when we throw it at a charging Aardwolf!" Prophet grabs at the squirrel, clearly envisioning a catapult situation.

"Crikey!" Prophet's entire demeanor changes, going from reverent to almost documentary in a moment. "What we've got there is the rare Aardwolf! And this is a bonzer specimen of wolfie, by crikey! What they really don't like is being given noogies by Nature show hosts! Let's see how this one reacts!" Speaking to an imaginary camera crew, Prophet gestures madly around as he talks, making the presentation into a comical pantomime. His discourse done, he books it for the front door, in order to see what the wily Aardwolf does when given noogies....

Poe blinks several times, trying to absorb all that the crazed wallaby has said while casting a loving eye on the wondrous shiny spigot. When he hears himself called 'Fonz' he unwittingly reinforces the wallaby's delusions when his simple question "Fonz? Ehhhhh?" is taken as declarative proof. Poe becomes a fixture in Prophet's Cablevision Cosmology.

Watching the wallaby bounce across the shelf full of cages, the raven hops nervously, trying to calm the excitable fellow. All he can think to do, is repeat Prophet's last words hoping they will have some sobering effect. He caws, "Amen? Uh, Amen."

"Amen, indeed, my fine feather Fonz. For you are blessed with the name and sacred duty of the Once and Future King of Beers, Arthur Fonzarelli, he who drew the sacred Ehhhh from the Land of Lakes. In your talons rest the sacred ability to make two-legs devices work by bumping them with your hips and uttering the Holy Word." Having made this pronouncement, the Prophet perks up and stares at the great canine beast hurtling toward the doors to the Monastery.

Pop Culture: 3d6 ⇒ (2, 6, 6) = 14
WILD! 1d6 ⇒ 4 for a total of 18!

That is a badass badger, man.

With a few shakes and several loud clicks, the door to Prophet's meditation chamber swings open. The raven bobs his head and caws his victory over Two-Leg evil.

The Prophet leaps free of the meditative cell and leaps high in the air, stretching himself. "Praise the Lard! You have earned a place in the highest of highs, oh bird! You shall henceforth be known as the Fonz, keeper of the holy Eh! And yes, you may rest your gaze upon the Holy Spigot, although it has been known to cause birds to speak with tongues! Beware the tongues, oh Fonz!"

Reverently, the Wallaby holds out the Holy Spigot for the Bird to examine. While he does so, he intones solemnly:

"Yea, though I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Savings, I shall fear no sale. For thy Ford and thy Dodge comfort me. You prepare a table set with Tang and with Eggos before me in the shadow of the Atkins. You anoint my tail with Penzoil, my engine runneth better. Surely Savings and Bounty will follow me all the length of my increased length penis, and I will dwell in the House of Viagra. Amen."

The raven flies up and lands on the top of Prophet's cubicle. "That's a pretty... object. It has four knobs on the top." He says as if it is an important fact. "Can I have it?"

"Bird! You have the honor of serving as a Tool of the Lord Gosh! You may indeed collect a reward, but you must act fast, as this is a limited time offer! How much would you normally pay to have the honor of releasing a gen-you-wine Prophet of the Lard? $10? $100? $10,000?!?! For right now, you get a free blessing and we'll even throw in a set of knives! That's right! They slice, they dice, they even cut through steel and yet still are delicate enough to perfume eye surgery!"

Prey, I suppose.

The Prophet nods at the sudden appearance of the bird. "Praise the Holy Spigot! Bird! The Power of Cripes compels you! Open this cage and release the servant of Golly Almighty to pursue his holy works!" The Prophet begins hopping up and down, waving the Holy Spigot in the air.

Here! Let the conversion begin!

"Must...wiggle...fingers...just...so.." The roo thinks as his clever hands work to wiggle free the lock. "Truly the Great God TeeVee has set this before me as a test, a test to determine my faith." he thinks. "I'm coming, Wheezy!" he crows as he works.

Pick Locks 2d6 ⇒ (6, 4) = 10