Borden Read's page

Stewie has a halflings good natured love of humour and conversation... he also has several triggers that launch him into whirlwind of violence but at least stands dwarf high, a giant among halflings indeed. He's a nasty dirty fighter, and has much respect from the bouncer/doorman community. He and Borden have worked the same pubs at the same time, with Borden often staying back after closing to swap stories and laughs. He's even helped Stewie out on one occasion.

Kofgen Krevnwright: The overly stressed 'Official' Pathfinder society representative in this crap hole and old mentor from Absolom.

Poor Kofgen had the misfortune to be assigned to Diamond Lake after a long period of pissing off his betters and fellow teachers in the Society with his blunt personality and scathing opinions. He's not done field work in years and his sole notable contribution was a few pages in one of the published Pathfinder Chronicles back in the day. He had thought to retire in the next decade or two and in the meantime had been pottering around the stews of Absolom while soaking up tutelage payments and wine in equal measure.

He went one step too far or said one thing too much and was given an ultimatum - either leave the Society or do the Groundwork for opening a Demi-Lodge. Either way, his teaching days were over. Sadly much of his savings from his period as an adventurer had been spent, leaving him little choice.

He had the misfortune to have Borden in a few of his classes and cares little for the bombastic trouble maker but... he's not exactly drowning in talented (or even willing to help) people. He's been buttering up the failed aspirant in hopes of getting him to do some of the heavy lifting after he spotted him in a pub.

Joadric Heimurl: Pathfinder in Magmimar.

A powerful, bombastic Kellid warrior from the north, Joadric Heimurl now concentrates his efforts on Varisia. He currently resides in the Heidmarch Manor lodge in Magnimar where he has been for some time. Joadric has been intending to launch an expedition into the Malgorian Mountains far to the east of Magnimar but he has yet to attract enough interest from other Pathfinders to launch the expedition. In the meantime, he has hit the bottle to help alleviate the boredom of waiting for the expedition to start and has not submitted any reports for the Pathfinder Chronicles in quite some time. A love of booze and carousing as well as Borden's willingness to take a punch helped them bond. There was talk of Joadric trying to get Borden back into the Society but it fell through.

An orc, an elf, and a dwarf find themselves being granted wishes by an Efreeti.
The orc says, “We orcs need to return to power. I wish all the orcs and half-orcs were returned to their ancient lands.” The Efreeti nods his head, and the orc vanishes.
The elf says, “The elves need to get back to their roots. I wish all the elves and half-elves were returned to their ancestral home.” The Efreeti nods his head, and the elf vanishes.

The dwarf looks around. “Let me get this straight,” the dwarf says, “the orc wished for all the orcs to be gone, and the elf wished for all the elves to be gone?” The Efreeti nods. “Very well, then,” said the dwarf, “I’ll have an ale.”

---

Two rangers that are out hunting for food are walking through Tangleroot Forest, and discover a large well in the ground.

One of the rangers curious as to how deep this well was threw a small stone into and turned his head to listen…………nothing. He then gathers up a larger stone, picks it up with both hands and throws it in the well, turns his head to the side to listen…………nothing.

He exclaims to his buddy, man, that is some well. Lets find something bigger to throw off in there. Well the two find a big arse iron cross tie. One says to the other, pick up one side, I’ll get the other. Surely when this thing hits the bottom we’ll know it. So the two throw this cross-tie into the well and begin to listen.

After a few seconds they hear a goat, wailing at the top of its lungs, while it is running straight toward the two hunters. The goat continues toward them, passes right between the men, and goes off in the well. One hunter in excitment and disbelief, proclaims to the other, did you see that crazy goat!!?? That damn thing just jumped in that well!!

The commotion attracted the attention of a local farmer, and he made his way over to the hunters. He asked the guys, “Have you seen my goat, I cant seem to find him?”

One of the hunters still excited tells the farmer, sure we have seen your goat. He just ran down that hill straight toward us and jumped off in this well. The farmer replies back, nah, that couldn’t have been my goat, my goat was tied to a cross-tie.

Two Orcs are sitting, eating a bard in harlequin costume. One turns to the other and says “Does this taste funny?

A human was selling melons in the fair, when a huge orc approached him, and said out loud “I WANT TO BUY HALF OF A MELON”. The guy, intimidated with the orc’s size, replied “I can’t sell you half of a melon… I’ll have to ask my boss…” He leaves to one of the tents, and the orc follows him without him noticing. Getting in there he says “boss, there’s a darned son of a @$^*#^% out there, wants to buy half of a melon”. He looks back, and finds the orc standing right behind him “… and this gentleman want to buy the other half”.

Why are there no dwarven lawyers?
They cannot pass the bar.

How do you get a bar full of Dwarves up on the roof?
Yell “drinks on the house!”

An Elf, a Human, and a Dwarf Go into a bar and order a beer.
Before they drink, a fly lands in each one.
The Elf shoves the beer away in disdain.
The Human waves the fly away and drinks the beer.
The Dwarf picks the fly up, holds it over his glass and yells, “Spit it all out you little *******!”

How many gnomes does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three. One to sharpen the sword and one to confuse the issue.

How many elves does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three. One to sharpen the sword and two to write a song about it, so that when the first elf is done, 400 years later, they’ll remember whose sword it was.

How many humans does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three. The first two to argue about which way it should be done and the third to hire a dwarf to sharpen it properly.

How many orcs does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three. One to hold the sword and two to move the whetstone.

How many halflings does it take to sharpen a sword?
Are you saying you'd trust a halfling with your sword?

The barkeep asked why we carried weapons into his bar.
I said, “Mimics.”
The party laughed.
The barkeep laughed.
The table laughed.
We killed the table. Good times.

Two dwarves were hunting in the woods with their crossbows.

Suddenly a beautiful, naked female elf leaps from the bushes and eyes them seductively.

"Whatcha doin? she says.

"We're hunting game." says one dwarf.

"Well I'm game." she replies.

So they shot her.

How many Adventures does it take to change out a torch in a dungeon?
All of them! Don't split up the party!

The police learned from an eyewitness that the murder was a dwarf palm-reader. They decided to clue in the newspapers and get the publics help.

The next day the paper's headline read :"Small Medium at Large"

There's a bar at the top of a great tower in Absolom, and two men are siting there drinking. The one with the glasses turns to the other and says "Did you know that the winds around this building are so strong that they can hold a man loft?"

"I don't believe you," says the other.

"Alight, I'll prove it," says the man, and he opens a window and steps outside into thin air. Sure enough he doesn't fall, but instead hangs suspended in mid air. "Woo hoo this is great!" he says "You ought to try this!" And he steps back inside.

"That's incredible! My turn!" says the other guy. He excitedly steps out the window and falls to his death.

The bartender turns to the surviving man, shakes his head and says "You're a real mean when you're drunk, Cayden."

A priest,, a paladin and a wizard have just killed some bandits and are divying up the treasure. The problem is, among the trinkets is one item of clearly superior value - a beautiful silver ring engraved with entwined serpents and studded with little gems - clearly dripping magical power... "Hey!" says the wizard suddenly "this ring is both valuable and distinctive. I'll bet we could find the family of the original wearer and return it to its rightful owners!". And so the paladin and priest kill the doppleganger.

An elf, a halfling, and a dwarf are working on a castle together. At lunch time, they eat their lunch seated on the castle wall. The elf opens his lunch and says "Lambas again! If I have to eat lambas for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump and kill myself." The halfling opens his lunch and says "Seedcake again! If I have to eat seedcake for lunch one more time, I'm jumping too." The dwarf opens his lunch and says, "Mutton! If I get mutton for lunch one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the elf has lambas and jumps from the wall. The halfling has seedcake and jumps too. The dwarf has mutton and jumps as well.

Their wives were together when they were told about their husband's death. The elf's wife said "I wish I had known! I would've never made lambas again!" The halfling's wife said, "Me too!" They both look at the dwarf's wife. She said, "Don't look at me; my husband made his own lunch!"

An orc walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder. The barkeep looks amused and says "Cute pet! I hear those things are pretty smart."

"Eh, not really." replies the parrot.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes