With such glowing reception to last year’s April Fools’ Bestiary Blog as “None of these are canon” or “John Compton what have you done,” we knew we had to come back this year! More monsters. More typos. Less (fewer?) lead-in text where I try to justify what we’ve done with the blog slot the marketing department entrusted us with. The April Fools’ Bestiary is in motion now, and it can’t be stopped. Let’s see what foolish monsters hath sprung from 2020–2021 Paizo.
James Case
Designer
Nosferotter
When encountering a nosferotter, take care how you proceed. They are very polite and almost charming when they ask your party to spare a skull and a few fingers, for the younglings of course. If you refuse, a romp of baby nosferotters will encircle the party. They are so small and fuzzy, quite cute in fact. What is this, nibbling on toes? Oh my, chewing on fingers… Oh dear… argh!
Can usually be found juggling small rocks, skulls, and finger bones.
Whitney Chatterjee
System Administrator II
Alien Arr-chive
Some believe alien arr-chives are distant relations to ghorans and raxilites, but arr-chives remain close-mouthed about their species’ origins. After all, knowledge of other species and creatures is their stock in trade. And they use that wealth of information to aid in their constant piracy.
Jason Keeley
Developer
Psstpsstmitl
Few creatures delight in causing senseless chaos more than the feared psstpsstmitl. These felines look startlingly similar to domestic cats except for their towering size, the largest recorded sighting being over 70 feet tall at the shoulders. Though psstpsstmitls are ferocious predators and will eat nearly anything, many survivors of psstpsstmitl attacks report the colossal cats simply batting them around like toys, sending humanoids flying in various directions before appearing to grow bored and unceremoniously departing. Many adventurers swear that the monstrous felines simply enjoy wreaking havoc upon the battlefield, rather than being primarily motivated by food, though some reports describe the psstpsstmitl snatching provisions to eat after growing bored of knocking about its victims.
Avi Kool
Senior Editor
Dessert Drake
Kin to the desert drake, among others, dessert drakes are kinder and gentler than their elemental relatives. Their scales range from pale custard to a crispy golden brown, and many dessert drakes accessorize their scales by painting colorful flowers and patterns. Dessert drakes love to conceptualize and bake new cakes, cookies and pastries, and are known to share their latest batches with nearby settlements and wayward travelers. Spoiler forums on the infosphere claim that bakers are auditioning to compete in a competition known as “The Great Triaxus Drake-Off,” judged by several prominent dessert drakes.
Alex Speidel
Organized Play Associate
Toe beans! I just want to eat them up. Art by Kyle Hunter (Art Director)
Nonsequitaur
Many a Game Master may need to spice things up and interject a moment of tension in the middle of a confusing puzzle or long social engagement, and think “hey, a quick combat here would do the trick!” A centaur is a classic creature, but how would I justify having a centaur in the middle of this fancy dinner party in idk the Darklands or whatever? When no monster quite fits the situation, there’s always the nonsequitaur, a curious creature that is exactly like a centaur, except that it appears when you least expect it.
James Case
Designer
Floolf
Frozen tundras are inhospitable places at the best of times, but the floolf is one such creature that has adapted to life in this most forbidding of landscapes. Their dense, long fur makes them appear extremely fluffy, which keeps their body temperatures well regulated. Like the chinchilla, floolves are hunted for their fur, but unlike the small rodent, floolves are considerably dangerous. Many an opportunistic soul has attempted to get rich quick by hunting and trapping floolves for their pelts, but such ventures rarely end in anything but a bonus snack for a hungry pack.
While floolves are highly social creatures, it is not unheard of for individuals to wander away from the pack for short periods of time. They are known for being highly defensive, swiftly and viciously attacking whatever they view as a threat. However, there are tales of people, particularly the very young or very old, who have become lost overnight near floolf territory and been approached by a solitary floolf who will curl up around them until dawn breaks, then lead them back to the nearest town or settlement.
Sara Marie
Customer Service & Community Manager