Oops, We Did It Again: Foolish Monsters 2021: A Rope of Sand

With such glowing reception to last year’s April Fools’ Bestiary Blog as “None of these are canon” or “John Compton what have you done,” we knew we had to come back this year! More monsters. More typos. Less (fewer?) lead-in text where I try to justify what we’ve done with the blog slot the marketing department entrusted us with. The April Fools’ Bestiary is in motion now, and it can’t be stopped. Let’s see what foolish monsters hath sprung from 2020–2021 Paizo.

James Case
Designer

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Nosferotter

When encountering a nosferotter, take care how you proceed. They are very polite and almost charming when they ask your party to spare a skull and a few fingers, for the younglings of course. If you refuse, a romp of baby nosferotters will encircle the party. They are so small and fuzzy, quite cute in fact. What is this, nibbling on toes? Oh my, chewing on fingers… Oh dear… argh!

Can usually be found juggling small rocks, skulls, and finger bones.

Look into the nosferotter’s eyessssss. Art by Eleanor Ferron (Developer)

Nosferotter — Creature 2

CE, Medium, Humanoid, Undead

Perception +11; darkvision

Languages Common, Necril

Skills Athletics +7, Diplomacy +8

Str +1, Dex +3, Con +1, Int +2, Wis +0, Cha + A Lot

AC 18; Fort +4, Ref +6, Will +7

HP 30, negative healing; Immunities all the normal undead stuff

Speed 30 feet, swim 20 feet

Melee [one-action] claw +10 (agile), Damage 1d4+6 slashing

Melee [one-action] jaw +10, Damage 1d8+6 piercing

Ranged [one-action] throw rock and/or skull +10 (thrown 30 feet), Damage 1d4+6 bludgeoning

Aquatic Ambush [one-action]

Dead Gaze [two-actions] (enchantment, mental, visual) Look into its beady little eyes. You are now stunned for 1 round unless you succeeded on a DC 20 Will save.

Squeak of Doom [three-actions] (auditory, emotion, enchantment, mental) The nosferotter lets out an ominous, but cute, squeak. All creatures within 30 feet must attempt a DC 20 Will save. They are then temporarily immune for 1 day.

Critical Success The creature is unaffected.

Success The creature can do nothing but wonder whether the nosferotter is cute or terrifying for 1 round.

Failure The creature is so confused that it attacks its allies for 1 round.

Critical Failure As failure, but permanently. It's that bad.

Whitney Chatterjee
System Administrator II

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Alien Arr-chive

Some believe alien arr-chives are distant relations to ghorans and raxilites, but arr-chives remain close-mouthed about their species’ origins. After all, knowledge of other species and creatures is their stock in trade. And they use that wealth of information to aid in their constant piracy.

Alien Arr-chive — CR 4

XP 1,200

NE Small humanoid (plantlike)

Init +5; Senses low-light vision; Perception +15

DEFENSE HP 45

EAC 16; KAC 17

Fort +3; Ref +5; Will +7

Defensive Abilities evasion

OFFENSE

Speed 30 ft.

Melee tactical dueling sword +8 (1d6+4 S)

Ranged thunderstrike sonic pistol +10 (1d8+4 So; critical deafen [DC 15])

Offensive Abilities demoralizing glare, target weak spot (+4 damage)

STATISTICS

Str +0; Dex +5; Con +0; Int +3; Wis +1; Cha +1

Skills Acrobatics +10, Bluff +10, Intimidate +10, Piloting +15, Sleight of Hand +10, Stealth +15

Languages Castrovelian, Common, Sarcesian, Ysoki

Other Abilities plantlike

Gear defrex hide (jump jets), tactical dueling sword, thunderstrike sonic pistol with 2 batteries (20 charges each)

SPECIAL ABILITIES

Demoralizing Glare (Ex) An alien arr-chive can attempt the demoralize task of Intimidate as a move action instead of a standard action.

Target Weak Spot (Ex) As a move action, an alien arr-chive can size up an opponent with a successful Perception check (DC = 20 + the target’s level or CR). If successful, the arr-chive’s next attack that hits that creature deals an additional 4 points of damage, as long as that attack is made before the end of the arr-chive’s next turn.

Jason Keeley
Developer

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Psstpsstmitl

Few creatures delight in causing senseless chaos more than the feared psstpsstmitl. These felines look startlingly similar to domestic cats except for their towering size, the largest recorded sighting being over 70 feet tall at the shoulders. Though psstpsstmitls are ferocious predators and will eat nearly anything, many survivors of psstpsstmitl attacks report the colossal cats simply batting them around like toys, sending humanoids flying in various directions before appearing to grow bored and unceremoniously departing. Many adventurers swear that the monstrous felines simply enjoy wreaking havoc upon the battlefield, rather than being primarily motivated by food, though some reports describe the psstpsstmitl snatching provisions to eat after growing bored of knocking about its victims.

A psstpsstmitl steps across the game tabl—I mean, “the world”. Art by Eleanor Ferron (Developer)

Psstpsstmitl — Creature 21

CN Gargantuan animal

Perception +38

Skills Acrobatics +40, Athletics +38, Stealth +36

Str +8, Dex +10, Con +7, Int –4, Wis +5, Cha –2

AC 46; Fort +35, Ref +38, Will +32

HP 400

Dander (aura, olfactory) 30 feet. Any time a nonfeline creature within the aura attempts to use an action that has the concentrate trait, it must attempt a DC 5 flat check. On a failure, the action is lost as the creature is too distracted by sneezing to act.

Speed 50 feet

Melee jaws +38 (finesse), Damage 4d10+24 piercing plus Grab

Melee claw +38 (agile, finesse, reach 20 feet), Damage 4d6+17 slashing

Pounce [one-action] The psstpsstmitl Strides and makes a Strike at the end of that movement. If the psstpsstmitl began this action hidden, it remains hidden until after this ability’s Strike.

Sneak Attack The psstpsstmitl deals 2d6 extra precision damage to flat-footed creatures.

Topple [two-actions] The psstpsstmitl swipes one giant paw across the battlefield in a 30-foot cone. All creatures in the cone must attempt a Reflex save.

Critical Success The target is unaffected.

Success The target is pushed 10 feet away from the psstpsstmitl and is knocked prone.

Failure The target is pushed 20 feet away from the psstpsstmitl and is knocked prone.

Critical Failure As failure, and the target is stunned 2.

Avi Kool
Senior Editor

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Dessert Drake

Kin to the desert drake, among others, dessert drakes are kinder and gentler than their elemental relatives. Their scales range from pale custard to a crispy golden brown, and many dessert drakes accessorize their scales by painting colorful flowers and patterns. Dessert drakes love to conceptualize and bake new cakes, cookies and pastries, and are known to share their latest batches with nearby settlements and wayward travelers. Spoiler forums on the infosphere claim that bakers are auditioning to compete in a competition known as “The Great Triaxus Drake-Off,” judged by several prominent dessert drakes.

Toe beans! I just want to eat them up. Art by Kyle Hunter (Art Director)

Dessert — CR 6

XP 2,400

LN Medium dragon

Init +5; Senses darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision, blindsense (scent) 60 ft., darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +13

DEFENSE HP 80

EAC 18; KAC 19

Fort +7; Ref +7; Will +11 (-8 vs persuasion to try new treats)

Immunities paralysis, sleep, Paul Hollywood’s opinions

Weaknesses fire

OFFENSE

Speed 30 ft., burrow 30 ft., fly 60 ft. (average)

Melee bite +12 (1d6+6 P + swallow whole [baked goods only]) or claw +12 (1d6+6 S)

Offensive Abilities icing breath weapon (30-foot cone, 4d6 B +entangle, Reflex DC 16 for half, usable every 1d4 rounds)

STATISTICS

Str +0; Dex +5; Con +0; Int +3; Wis +0; Cha +2

Skills Diplomacy +18, Medicine +13, Profession (chef) +18, Sense Motive +13, Survival +18

Languages Common, Draconic, Lashunta, Shirren, Ysoki

ECOLOGY

Environment any

Organization solitary, bakery (2-5), kitchen (7-12), baker’s dozen (13)

SPECIAL ABILITIES

Sugar on the Tongue Instead of a cone of icing, a dessert drake can emit a cloud of powdered sugar. Each creature within the cone must succeed at a Fortitude save or be sickened by sickly sweet sugar for 1d4 rounds. All targets within the cone are concealed for 1d3 rounds until the sugar settles to the ground.

Alex Speidel
Organized Play Associate

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Nonsequitaur

Many a Game Master may need to spice things up and interject a moment of tension in the middle of a confusing puzzle or long social engagement, and think “hey, a quick combat here would do the trick!” A centaur is a classic creature, but how would I justify having a centaur in the middle of this fancy dinner party in idk the Darklands or whatever? When no monster quite fits the situation, there’s always the nonsequitaur, a curious creature that is exactly like a centaur, except that it appears when you least expect it.

Nonsequitaur — Creature 3

N, Large, Beast

Perception +9

Languages Common, Elven, Sylvan

Skills Athletics +11, Diplomacy +6, Intimidation +6, Nature +7, Survival +7

Str +4, Dex +2, Con +1, Int +0, Wis +2, Cha +1

Centaur out of Nowhere [reaction] Trigger The PCs round a corner, open a chest or door, unmask a villain, or draw back a particularly plush curtain; Requirements The PCs are not thinking about centaurs; Effect A nonsequitaur appears whenever it is least expected. A nonsequitaur comes into being and everyone rolls initiative.

AC 20; Fort +8, Ref +9, Will +9

HP 40

You Should Have Paid Attention to the Centaur [reaction] Trigger A creature ends its turn without attacking, casting spells at, using skills on, or otherwise acknowledging the nonsequitaur; Effect The nonsequitaur dominates all forms of interaction. It uses MORE! CENTAURS! as a reaction.

Forget about Me? [reaction] Trigger The nonsequitaur leaves the field of view of all of the PCs; Effect The nonsequitaur feels ignored. It uses MORE! CENTAURS! as a reaction.

At Least That's Over [reaction] Trigger The nonsequitaur is reduced to 0 Hit Points; Effect It isn't, not yet. The nonsequitaur uses MORE! CENTAURS! as a reaction, then dies.

Speed 40 feet

Melee [one-action] hoof +9 (agile), Damage 1d10+4 bludgeoning

Melee [one-action] spear +11, Damage 1d4+6 piercing

Ranged [one-action] spear +9 (thrown 20 feet), Damage 1d6+4 piercing

MORE! CENTAURS! [two-actions] The nonsequitaur decides that this could be improved by more centaurs. It causes another nonsequitaur to spontaneously come into being in an unoccupied space within 60 feet. Before you ask, YES this summoned nonsequitaur can use MORE! CENTAURS! as well, NO this is not a design oversight. I write the blog, them's the breaks.

Trample [three-actions] Medium or smaller, hoof, DC 18

James Case
Designer

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Floolf

Frozen tundras are inhospitable places at the best of times, but the floolf is one such creature that has adapted to life in this most forbidding of landscapes. Their dense, long fur makes them appear extremely fluffy, which keeps their body temperatures well regulated. Like the chinchilla, floolves are hunted for their fur, but unlike the small rodent, floolves are considerably dangerous. Many an opportunistic soul has attempted to get rich quick by hunting and trapping floolves for their pelts, but such ventures rarely end in anything but a bonus snack for a hungry pack.

While floolves are highly social creatures, it is not unheard of for individuals to wander away from the pack for short periods of time. They are known for being highly defensive, swiftly and viciously attacking whatever they view as a threat. However, there are tales of people, particularly the very young or very old, who have become lost overnight near floolf territory and been approached by a solitary floolf who will curl up around them until dawn breaks, then lead them back to the nearest town or settlement.

I WOULD die for this floolf though. Art by Eleanor Ferron (Developer)

Floolf — Creature 1

N, Medium, Animal

Perception +11; darkvision, scent (imprecise) 20 feet

Skills Acrobatics +9, Athletics +9, Stealth +11, Survival +10

Str +3, Dex +4, Con +1, Int +1, Wis +4, Cha -1

AC 19; Fort +8, Ref +10, Will +20

HP 50; Immunities cold; Weaknesses warmth

Speed 35 ft

Melee jaws +10; Damage 1d8+3 piercing

Pack Attack The floolf’s attack deals 1d8 extra damage to creatures within the reach of at least two of floolf’s allies.

Cute Aggression Floolf pups are so adorable that any creature that is either a mammal, or has an Intelligence above 3 that sees or touches a floolf pup must succeed at a DC 27 Will save or it will defend the floolf pup with its life. This effect ends when the creature is no longer able to perceive the pup. If the creature can speak, anytime it remembers the floolf pup, it feels a compulsion (Will save DC 15) to tell their story of the encounter, invariably ending with the phrase, “I would die for that floolf.”

Sara Marie
Customer Service & Community Manager