Help me make some funny Intelligent Items!

Pathfinder First Edition General Discussion

Alright, so starting this summer I am running a campaign for a group of friends and one of my players sent me this wall of text I'm about to copy and paste below. Effectively, I need to create balanced, but still Impactful Intelligent Items equipped with a backstory and an emotion/alignment. Here is the backstory he sent me.

Character Idea.
-Tabias- Bearer of the Family of Espateth
-Tabias never met his father, nor any of his Grandparents either. His mother, Elwin, was a caring moral compass for Tabias who worked as the caretaker for the Espateth Family Mosuleum of Relics. Tabias heard stories of his father Horas Espateth, who was a reclusive artificer of renown skill. It is said that a fraction of his heart and soul go into every artifact he crafts. The exact age of Espateth is unknown, but it is known that he is at least 6 generations old and has other world beauty. Picking up the family trade, Tabias is the book keeper of historical records of the Relics of the Family of Espateth. Tabias hated his job. He never understood his mother's value that she put on these Relics. As a kid his mother use to tell her that she would go talk to them to call them down and let them know what's going on in the real world as "life is pretty boring when your stuck on a shelf all day". Tabias chalked this up to children stories. One bitter Winter's Night, when staying late at the Espateth Family Mousuleum of Relics a robber came in and robbed what he could before he ran into Elwin. In his escape he stabbed Elwin and left her dying on the floor. She did not die that night, but would in the week to come as desiese took her life. In her dying days Elwin told Tabias the story of his family history.

Horas Elspateth was no oridinary man. Celestial, Demigod, no one truly knows, but he is much more than any mortal. Horas has had many lovers of many Races and Genders throughout the years and love them all till their death. Horas was a man of great heart and could not bear to watch his lovers die. To save them, he would take their ashes and forge them into magical relics. Whenever He found a new lover, he would ask them to watch over his family. This happened again and again, with assortments from decorative amulets, to intracate wands, to Armour, to weapons being forged. Things changed with Elwin. For as many lovers as he has had, he has never been able to bare an offspring. In fear of being unable to an adequate father, Horas provided Elwin with the means of taking care of Tabias on her own. He set up the Mousuleum for Elwin and told a few of his trusted family where she could find him if the situation turned your enough.

Tabias, with his newfound knowledge of his family history, and with a few of his inteegent artifact distant family in his possession, he is off to bring his mother's ashes to his elusive father so that he can forge her into his family. Tabias is also looking for his missing family as one of them may know the way to where his farther now resides in soitude.

-Actual mechanics: A character that holds a multitude of intelligent items some that get along, some that don't, that are all different objects with all different unique properties(as per being magic) that relfect their personality in some way. Work closely with GM in creation of these magic items. Tabias is a Archeologist Bard.

Example item, (Siezire Scouge- the 800 year old Male Elf wand of Magic Missiles with the ancient property[25% chance of forgetting how to use it's ability] that sometimes offers good advice but usually just talks old person gibberish)

Alright,so what do you guys got? Don't worry about what level he will be when he gets them. He will not be starting with the entire family set of Items. He will probably find a few along the way;)

Sovereign Court

I had the 'Simple Giants belt of Strength' were it essentially functioned as a belt of giants strength (dosent matter which plus making it good in early game and late game) that compelled its owner to pet cats when the user saw one. The belt had a rage percentage that would increase over time (starts at 1%) and every day the user had to roll a percent die to see if they go into a rage and attack everything around them (including property and allies). Every day the user did not rage the percent increased by 3%. The user could also use enlarge person as a move action once a day (increasing the odds by 3% and forcing a roll afterwards) as well. The only way to combat the rage was by petting a cat that you have not pet before, this ranged from house cats to lions. Every time you pet a NEW cat, the percent decreased by 6% (not allowed to go under 1% however)

My party had a lot of fun with the barbarian and this magic item, needing to take breaks after a few adventures to calm the Barbarian down by finding cats and petting them.

The magic item communicated with only the wearer in extremely simple sentences in giant meaning our barbarian didnt know what the item was saying for a long time.

Hope you gained something out of this lol

A fun item would be an intelligent weapon that has the dancing ability. If it wins an ego battle, or if you tell it to begin dancing it does what it wants. Make it have the personality of a goblin or other fun stereotype and watch the fun begin.

A hat that believes Tabias to be sloppy/hideous, and constantly cast Prestidigitation/Disguise Self on him to make him "fabulous".

A ring of protection or buckler that only offers its protection if he can solve a riddle each morning.

Slippers/Sandals of Speed that cannot be removed, and the appearance cannot be altered. The hat loathes the sandals.

A long long time ago my first character (to survive to upper levels) came across a simple Mug, it kept things at the desired temperature and it had wizard like intelligence. This was back in AD&D times and having an 18 Int (like the Mug) was unheard of. All was good until an the party had an encounter with Yellow Mold ... and my poor Mug companion became dumb as a box of rocks. His advice (i.e. DM hints etc.) became less than stellar as a result but made for many good laughs.

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