>>Ask *A Gremlin* ALL your Questions Here!<<


Off-Topic Discussions

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It's been blindingly obvious to us pugwampis that too many of you posters are either too shy (maybe) or too dumb (more likely) to ask for advice, tips, and good ideas when you should. Well, we gremlins are here to help with all of Life's questions.

To start, here's a sample of our most frequently asked questions:

Q) Is it recommended for my young child/hatchling/spawn/involuntarily assimilated unit/Tamagotchi to play with scissors, swords, matches, napalm, MIRVs, Necronomicons, and air-dropped anvils/pianos?

A) Yes. In fact, you should join them. Nothing teaches like experience, and near-death experiences are the best experiences. As the Pratchett goblins are fond of saying: "Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

Q) Is it recommended for my young child/hatchling/spawn/involuntarily assimilated unit/Tamagochi to play with Kinder Surprise eggs?

A) No. The small toys inside might constitute a choking hazard.

Q) Is that weird thing in the dungeon a trap?

A) No. Nooooooo. Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. Go poke it with a stick, preferably a very short one. You could get lucky and win a character-building experience. You want to win, right? Winning is fun. Go on, do it. And don't use a summoned critter or unseen servant to do the job. They might win the prize. You wouldn't want them to win your prize, would you?

See, quality sagacious advice. So ask away, and marinate your sun-dried raisin brains in the sweet juices of a gremlin's wisdom!


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SQUEAK?


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The Death of Rats wrote:
SQUEAK?

Look, how many times do I have to tell you guys that both the exploded and unexploded rats supplied by Gary the Grimple Gremlin have been paid for already?!? I mean sheesh, hire an accountant!


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SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAKY SQUEAK SQUEAK. SQUEAK SQUEAL SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAKUM SQUEAK.


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What did you think of the Gremlins movie?

What do you think about the rumor of a remake?


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The Death of Rats wrote:
SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAKY SQUEAK SQUEAK. SQUEAK SQUEAL SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAKUM SQUEAK.

Hmmm. That's actually a good point. I'll have to think about that.


But... why?

Silver Crusade

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Pathfinder Companion, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber

Caramel or Creme Brulee?


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You're basically the same as mites right?


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Water Boy wrote:
But... why?

Oh, please. Hunt may have taken a sabbatical, but this one is easy to answer:

Couscous. Obviously.


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What is the Anti-Gremlin?

Silver Crusade

Pathfinder Companion, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber

Gerbie, I'm guessing.


Where do I send this bom- er, this lovely tasty cake I made for you?


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Selene Spires wrote:
What did you think of the Gremlins movie?

As Hunt seems to be shirking for the moment, I'll field a question a day until he gets his act together. After all, it's >>Ask *A Gremlin* All Your Questions Here!<<, not >>Ask Hunt, the PugWumpus All Your Questions Here!<<

While the later gremlins—who emerge after the owners of Gizmo basically ignore all established protocol with dealing with Mogwai—are very much in keeping with true gremlin spirit (indeed, they bear a more than striking resemblance in after-fed mode to jinkin gremlins), the initial fuzzy, cute form is a base insult to gremlins everywhere. Sentiment? Caring? CUDDLY?!?

Why screw up a perfectly wholesome comedy with such a horrific opening? Throws the whole narrative right off kilter. Then they finish with a wholesale slaughter of the true gremlins and leaving the fuzzy abomination intact?!? Disgustingly tragic!

This overall inconsistency leads most gremlins to edit out the intro and initial development and the climax on. Makes for a much better film.


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Master Pugwampi wrote:
Selene Spires wrote:
What did you think of the Gremlins movie?
As Hunt seems to be shirking for the moment, I'll field a question a day until he gets his act together. After all, it's >>Ask *A Gremlin* All Your Questions Here!<<, not >>Ask Hunt, the PugWumpus All Your Questions Here!<<

{slowly munches another zarg nut} I'm sure I'm invisible.


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Rysky wrote:
Caramel or Creme Brulee?

Don't be alarmed as my disembodied voice comes to you from no discernible location. I am not a ghost or evil spirit, nor some Elder Being projecting through a dimensional breach. I am... invisible!

Narrator: He is clearly visible. Hideously, eye-meltingly, unfortunately for everyone, visible.

Rysky wrote:
Caramel or Creme Brulee?

For what purpose? As in a preference for snacking, for sexy-time shenanigans, or being candified alive?


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MageHunter wrote:
You're basically the same as mites right?

That ridiculous. We are nothing alike. Just look at the evidence:

{holds up photo of self} Pugwampis are genius, charismatic, pleasingly musky, intimidatingly handsome, flea-punching, spider-kicking, terrifying masters of tactical combat suitable as final bosses to challenge a pack of mythic adventures who can routinely whup liches and undead dragons. Where as...

{flips to next photo... also of self} Mites are dumb, repugnant, stinky, loathsome, flea-eating, spider-licking, surrender monkeys useful only as forgettably disposable mooks for barely challenging your pack of 1st level murderhobos.

I'm glad to finally clear that up.


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Selene Spires wrote:
What is the Anti-Gremlin?

As you are astutely aware, gremlins are the single bright spot in the entire evolutionary tree that are faeries. Why you'd want to choose anything other than a Gremlin is mindboggling, but...

Hmmm. I suppose the Anti-Gremlin would be either an AMC Javelin or Nash/AMC Ambassador. Whichever you choose, get one with the original shag carpeting and the OEM 8-track player.

Also, be sure to leave a tape, any tape -- cassette, scotch, masking, measuring, Buzzsaw, Ravage, etc. -- in it for at least two contiguous weeks and it will automagically turn into a copy of Best of Queen.


Selene Spires wrote:
What do you think about the rumor of a remake?

Actually they seem to have abandoned that concept and are going with a straight up sequel. At least for the moment. One concept that strikes my fancy is where people realize they could stop all this nonsense by eliminating Gizmo, so more gremlins can't be made.

This has potential. If the little furry freak survives, crappola.

Dark Archive

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Hunt, the PugWumpus wrote:
Selene Spires wrote:
What is the Anti-Gremlin?

As you are astutely aware, gremlins are the single bright spot in the entire evolutionary tree that are faeries. Why you'd want to choose anything other than a Gremlin is mindboggling, but...

Hmmm. I suppose the Anti-Gremlin would be either an AMC Javelin or Nash/AMC Ambassador. Whichever you choose, get one with the original shag carpeting and the OEM 8-track player.

Also, be sure to leave a tape, any tape -- cassette, scotch, masking, measuring, Buzzsaw, Ravage, etc. -- in it for at least two contiguous weeks and it will automagically turn into a copy of Best of Queen.

There you are, you little blackguard. Get out of my car!

<spritzes Hunt with cold iron-laced holy water>

Silver Crusade

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Pathfinder Companion, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber
Hunt, the PugWumpus wrote:
Rysky wrote:
Caramel or Creme Brulee?

Don't be alarmed as my disembodied voice comes to you from no discernible location. I am not a ghost or evil spirit, nor some Elder Being projecting through a dimensional breach. I am... invisible!

Narrator: He is clearly visible. Hideously, eye-meltingly, unfortunately for everyone, visible.

Rysky wrote:
Caramel or Creme Brulee?
For what purpose? As in a preference for snacking, for sexy-time shenanigans, or being candified alive?

Yes.


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Mimdel Boom wrote:
Where do I send this bom- er, this lovely tasty cake I made for you?

While sending it into this thread or the >>Ask Rysky<< thread may seem like the ideal solution to this dilemma, our actual headquarters is not in virtual space at all! That's right, we have a central location in meat space!

I'll get the specific address for you as soon as I can, but understand it is located somewhere in or around Cleveland, Tennessee.

*rubs hands together and chortles under his breath*

Hee hee hee hee!


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Master Pugwampi wrote:

While sending it into this thread or the >>Ask Rysky<< thread may seem like the ideal solution to this dilemma, our actual headquarters is not in virtual space at all! That's right, we have a central location in meat space!

I'll get the specific address for you as soon as I can, but understand it is located somewhere in or around Cleveland, Tennessee.

*rubs hands together and chortles under his breath*

Hee hee hee hee!

...

But we blew that up already...


I don't suppose any of you gremlin chappies have massive doses of tranquilizers lying around, do you?

Silver Crusade

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Pathfinder Companion, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber
Mimdel Boom wrote:
Master Pugwampi wrote:

While sending it into this thread or the >>Ask Rysky<< thread may seem like the ideal solution to this dilemma, our actual headquarters is not in virtual space at all! That's right, we have a central location in meat space!

I'll get the specific address for you as soon as I can, but understand it is located somewhere in or around Cleveland, Tennessee.

*rubs hands together and chortles under his breath*

Hee hee hee hee!

...

But we blew that up already...

Not yet you haven't. I'm disappointed.


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*Blank stare*

*Caresses cave fisher*


What is best in life?


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Wilkins, Goblin Scholar wrote:
I don't suppose any of you gremlin chappies have massive doses of tranquilizers lying around, do you?

*checks medical supply closet*

Let's see...bandages...plaster of paris...crutches...MRI scanner...Groucho glasses with mustache...3,000 cases of Bactine...

Nope, fresh out of tranquilizers. Check with Mimdel Boom. I'm sure she can whip something up.


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Master Pugwampi wrote:
Nope, fresh out of tranquilizers. Check with Mimdel Boom. I'm sure she can whip something up.

I fear that's who I'm trying to tranquilize...


Wilkins, Goblin Scholar wrote:
Master Pugwampi wrote:
Nope, fresh out of tranquilizers. Check with Mimdel Boom. I'm sure she can whip something up.
I fear that's who I'm trying to tranquilize...

Oh then that's easy. Just need to finagle her lab so she has a little self-inflicted "accident". With a little psychic prodding, can't hurt. Well, except where it's supposed to.


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DungeonmasterCal wrote:
What is best in life?

To trick your enemies, see them crush their belongings before you, and to hear the lamentations of their children!


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Sableye wrote:
DungeonmasterCal wrote:
What is best in life?
To trick your enemies, see them crush their belongings before you, and to hear the lamentations of their children!

Hobkins. The gremlins with no humor. But you've got to admire their sense of aesthetics...


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Master Pugwampi wrote:
Sableye wrote:
DungeonmasterCal wrote:
What is best in life?
To trick your enemies, see them crush their belongings before you, and to hear the lamentations of their children!
Hobkins. The gremlins with no humor. But you've got to admire their sense of aesthetics...

Hey, we have plenty of humor!

The sound of screaming parents when they set off the collapsing shelf of shattering china for example is hilarious.


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Anybody need some discount rats? Right now we have a sale on: Buy ten rats and get a ratking, free!


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Do you have anything in cockroach?


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We here at Drexin Support Services, a division of AbadarCorp, feel your pain. We bathe in it, wear it as cheap perfume, and then wallow in the malfeasance it breeds.

Thank you for your contribution!


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Spiteful Mite wrote:
Do you have anything in cockroach?

Nope. Gary the Grimple Gremlin's Grab-bag deals solely in supplying gremlins and goblins with all their rat infestation needs.

You want Mike the Mite's Mighty Maggots, down the street and to the left.


Gary the Grimple Gremlin wrote:
Anybody need some discount rats? Right now we have a sale on: Buy ten rats and get a ratking, free!

Oooooooooooo!


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Captain Killjoy wrote:
Gary the Grimple Gremlin wrote:
Anybody need some discount rats? Right now we have a sale on: Buy ten rats and get a ratking, free!
Oooooooooooo!

Hey! Just in time! Our bilge rats all left on account of us not actually having a bilge...or ship for that matter.


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DETAILS!

Paizo Employee Malaise-Inducement Construct

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Are you free this week? I'd like you to take care of* a small thing** for me when you get the chance.

...

...

*:
* ruin

**:
** EVERYTHING


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Cosmo's Slightly More Evil Twin wrote:

Are you free this week? I'd like you to take care of* a small thing** for me when you get the chance.

...

...

** spoiler omitted **
** spoiler omitted **

Well, we've been really swamped with the swamp...if you know what I mean...

*waits for the robot to smite him before continuing*

<.<

>.>

*coast looks clear*

We can try and book you in for Wednesday Afternoon. How's that for you?

Paizo Employee Malaise-Inducement Construct

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Master Pugwampi wrote:


We can try and book you in for Wednesday Afternoon. How's that for you?

I look forward to it.


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Where has Hunt gotten to? He was in-charge of snacks...I mean provisions...for our gremlin apocalypse scheduled for this afternoon.

Without proper catering this whole shebang will be very lackluster indeed!


I could scrounge up some maggots...

WITH POISON!


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Spiteful Mite wrote:

I could scrounge up some maggots...

WITH POISON!

Alas poisoned maggots, while amusing, were not what we had in mind for snacks.


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Sableye wrote:
DungeonmasterCal wrote:
What is best in life?
To trick your enemies, see them crush their belongings before you, and to hear the lamentations of their children!

Laminating children seems like a good way make them easier to keep clean and to cut down on the mess they make.

Oh wait, lamentations. Uh yeah, I don't know what that means.


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Master Pugwampi wrote:
Spiteful Mite wrote:

I could scrounge up some maggots...

WITH POISON!

Alas poisoned maggots, while amusing, were not what we had in mind for snacks.

{1d4 ⇒ 4 hippie larva squirm around in patchouli-scented composting bowl of lentils} Hey man, maggots are people too, man.


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Hunt, the PugWumpus wrote:
Sableye wrote:
DungeonmasterCal wrote:
What is best in life?
To trick your enemies, see them crush their belongings before you, and to hear the lamentations of their children!

Laminating children seems like a good way make them easier to keep clean and to cut down on the mess they make.

Oh wait, lamentations. Uh yeah, I don't know what that means.

No no, your version's juuuuuuust fine. Let's roll with that.


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Sableye wrote:
Hunt, the PugWumpus wrote:
Sableye wrote:
DungeonmasterCal wrote:
What is best in life?
To trick your enemies, see them crush their belongings before you, and to hear the lamentations of their children!

Laminating children seems like a good way make them easier to keep clean and to cut down on the mess they make.

Oh wait, lamentations. Uh yeah, I don't know what that means.

No no, your version's juuuuuuust fine. Let's roll with that.

I agree with Sableye on this one. That was inspired, Hunt!

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