1001 Side-Effects of Implanting Used Cyberware


General Discussion

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Scarab Sages

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157. Your cybertongue was custom-made for a seductive assassin. Don't French-kiss anyone you don't want to kill!

RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32

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158. Your new hand skinned in synthetic gecko-foot adhesive, handy for wall crawling. But now you can't turn it off.


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159. Your new subdermal communicator can only connect you with the AbadarCorp Customer Service.

Scarab Sages

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159a. "Your account will be charged 10c per second for this call. Rates may be higher in your area. AbadarCorp, putting the God in Oh My God It Costs What?!?"

Acquisitives

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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

160. It's a flame thrower. AWESOME. But which orifice is it shooting out of this time?

Silver Crusade

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I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:
Don't French-KILL anyone you don't want to KISS!

161. Your automatic translator has contracted a virus that causes you to get “stuck” on certain words, causing you to repeat the word over and over as you grow increasingly violent, chewing your bottom lip to a bloody pulp until you’re dead. The trigger words seem to be terms of affection and pet names. Speaking in other languages and switching meanings of words seems to circumvent the virus, but just by talking you run the risk of passing the infection to other computers and sound systems.

Acquisitives

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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
Archpaladin Zousha wrote:
I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:
Don't French-KILL anyone you don't want to KISS!
161. Your automatic translator has contracted a virus that causes you to get “stuck” on certain words, causing you to repeat the word over and over as you grow increasingly violent, chewing your bottom lip to a bloody pulp until you’re dead. The trigger words seem to be terms of affection and pet names. Speaking in other languages and switching meanings of words seems to circumvent the virus, but just by talking you run the risk of passing the infection to other computers and sound systems.

162. Your universal translator has malfunctioned. You can now no longer understand anything other than your native tongue. In addition, you must respond to anyone asking you questions in a non-native language or making requests in increasingly louder and more aggressive tones in your native language.

Additionally, since the universal translator was intended to be truly universal, it also links with your musculature so that you could communicate non-verbally as well. Non-native voices cause you to react with increasing distress as the universal translator malfunctions, causing you to lash out physically at those speaking in other languages.

Liberty's Edge

Yakman wrote:

162. Your universal translator has malfunctioned. You can now no longer understand anything other than your native tongue. In addition, you must respond to anyone asking you questions in a non-native language or making requests in increasingly louder and more aggressive tones in your native language.

Additionally, since the universal translator was intended to be truly universal, it also links with your musculature so that you could communicate non-verbally as well. Non-native voices cause you to react with increasing distress as the universal translator malfunctions, causing you to lash out physically at those speaking in other languages.

163. The universal translator works perfectly, but frames things in the most insulting way possible.

Grand Lodge

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164: The universal translator works perfectly, but you've got this constant sensation of a fish stuck in your ear.


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165) The universal translator keeps translating the universe. No fewer than three of its former owners have attained True Enlightenment, and you are beginning to grasp the fundamental truths of the cosmos. Also, for some reason your forehead itches.

Liberty's Edge

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166. Your cyber eyes are different colours.


Your sensory upgrades allow you to smell everything within a mile radius.

And many things do not smell pleasant.

Dark Archive

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167. Your sensory upgrades where designed by a race that communicated partially by scent, producing specific pheromones that added emotional context to their otherwise same-same sounding language (so that a specific spoken 'word' might have three or more very different meanings depending on the accompanying smell). This has been *mostly* disabled, but you still receive auditory translations of particular smells, which sound as real as any other spoken words (and are not obviously coming from the implant) when you smell, say, cinnamon, or limes.

This might even have been useful if the race whose communication is being translated wasn't extinct, so there is literally no time at all when hearing 'Angry!' because you smelled vinegar is going to be helpful.


168. The cyberware was designed for a being who hadn't finished growing yet. Over time it will slowly lengthen to match the growth rate of that being.


169.

Your new dental hardware is self-cleaning, but the only toothpaste you can buy that works with it tastes like Kobold meat.


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170. Your cyberarm's previous ownder was a notorious over-sleeper.
First thing in the morning, half an hour before you wake up, the arm activates and starts with a morning hygiene routine. It brushes your hair, cleans your teeth, and more.
The most annoying bit is that it clips your toenails but never picks up the bits, you have lost count of how many times one has landed in your mouth as you sleep or you have stood on them as you swing out of bed.


171) Your omnitool hand was previously owned by a Calistrian known for a particular set of clients. It's probably better to think of the default shape as a battering ram and leave it at that.


172: Your new cybernetics have a forever active "power save" mode, if not used for some time it powers down and takes several minutes to start responding when next used

Acquisitives

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
ShadeKyubi wrote:
172: Your new cybernetics have a forever active "power save" mode, if not used for some time it powers down and takes several minutes to start responding when next used

172.a. You can play around with it a bit by going into display settings. But then you get a screensaver. Which you can't turn off for 10 minutes.


LordRiffington wrote:
166. Your cyber eyes are different colours.

I see the classic "One man's bug is another man's feature" statement still holds true.

173: Your new cyber eyes seem to be set for a race that has a dramatically shifted visibility spectrum from your own, leaving you blind more often than not.

Scarab Sages

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175. While your cyberantlers are in perfect condition and free of internal bugs, they do cause people at social events to mistake you for a coat-rack.

Dark Archive

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176. The previous owner of these cybereyes was on the run from a specific group of bounty hunters / law enforcers, and all of their facial profiles (and voice prints, if you have cyberears from the same source) are hard-coded into the tech. The coding was set perhaps a little too sensitive (as the agents may have used disguises, and the original owner was *very* concerned with not getting caught), so anyone who looks even remotely like one of these agents will be 'corrected' in your sight to look exactly like them, and have a flashing red aura warning you 'threat detected!'

The previous owner died in a firefight, having attacked someone falsely identified as being after him, who did not appreciate some random paranoid taking a shot at her...

177. The previous owner had some valuables stolen by a ysoki at some point in the past (or believed they had, actually their ex-business partner robbed them!), and has set the cybergear up to both identify ysoki in the area and warn you to guard your valuables (perhaps even audibly, to the great offense of ysoki present), and to give a mild electrical shock to any ysoki that touches it (along with an audible alarm crying 'thief, thief!').

178. The eccentric who designed this cyber-item was from a secret race that is 'allergic' to technology. Despite *looking* exactly like a piece of technology (as it was designed to, so that the secret race could keep it's secret), it is an arcane device, and every time it 'uses a charge' (or for every day of use, if it does not use charges), you must expect a non-cantrip spell slot. It otherwise functions like the device it appears to be, although the effects are magical and may not function in an area that is anti-magical, or prove susceptible to dispelling.

Note: Secret race plans to *stay* secret, and if you blab too much about your 'magic gun-hand' or whatever, someone might show up to take it away and / or shut you up...

RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32

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179. Your new implant also mines BitCoins.


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180. Your new implant also mines precious materials. When you sleep, it ejects a microdroid or a swarm of nanobots that stripmines any nearby unattended objects of raw materials. Some of it is used to maintain the implant, but that surprise! duranium alloy "kidney stone" was hell to pass. And now you are developing argyria from the unused deposits of metals in your epidermis... just smurfy!

Dark Archive

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Spacecaptain Pillbug Lebowski wrote:
180. Your new implant also mines precious materials.

181. Your new implant also *mimes* precious materials, as in pretends to be them. One day it will look like it's made of gold, resplendent with rubies. The next it will be mithril and sapphires. In any event, it always looks *fantastically* expensive, and tempting to those who might covet such sparklies.

While it will often incorporate traces of the actual precious materials in it's disguises, and somehow even fool cursory scans (but not more in-depth examinations), it's just made of mundane materials, and not worth killing you and taking. Unfortunately someone will have killed you and taken it before figuring this out...


182. Your cybernetic implants needs a very high blood alcohol level to function properly. If you are sber they will not work, but if you are nearly completely wasted they work far beyond any expectations.


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183. Your eye implants were advertised to include a helpful User Interface to monitor your vital signs and other important things. However, the UI seems to have been designed by the world's most amateur game programmers.

184. With horror, you realize your new fully metallic robotic arm itches.


185: your new integrated weapon shouts slogans before it fires; worse it always does so in a nasally whiny voice

Dark Archive

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186. Your implant broadcasts a signal to interactive advertising boards and scrawls nearby, so that when you pass, they switch to advertising upgrades or enhancements or the latest version of this specific implant, inadvertently telling everyone around you what implant you have any time you enter a public station or port that has those kinds of 'electronic billboards,' if they didn't already know. Occasionally you'll get the 'since you bought X, maybe you'll also want Y,' or 'customers who bought X also bought Y' ads as well.

Scarab Sages

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187. Your cybergroin is 'overclocked' to hell and gone. It requires vigorous use at least once a day...or it will explode.


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188. Shortly after you walked out of the Speed-E Implant shop, you discovered you were being followed by a pugwampi. The 'wampi was extremely friendly as it excitedly explained that as the new owner of the "gently used" implant, you have also received the transmigrated soul of the previous owner. Before you could question the chattering gremlin, it hurried off. It reappeared an hour later with two more pugwampis, who bowed before you, oooo-ing and ahhh-ing. You tried to escape them, but they quickly caught up with you and pounced, clinging on to you affectionately. You hustled back to your ship, thankfully avoiding the station security and dockworkers, as the trio squeaked happily about finding you, their new "Floofie" and "Lord Lin-Normy". After your ship broke for orbit, you discovered another five pugwampis had also snuck aboard, making themselves at home within the ship's ventilation system and other hideyholes. Your new entourage of eight has no interest in obeying either your commands or your polite suggestions, preferring instead happily jibber at/about you with inane gibberish while awake... and creepily watch/worship you while you try to sleep. While they seem to intend you no deliberate harm, you worry for the continued proper functioning of the spacecraft, especially after one of them (named Doug, apparently) accidentally blew himself out an airlock.

Scarab Sages

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189. Your cyberlegs have several fixed movement settings...all of them hard-coded in by the Ministry of Silly Walks.


I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:
189. Your cyberlegs have several fixed movement settings...all of them hard-coded in by the Ministry of Silly Walks.

This would be fantastic if it was built into gun kata software in a move-by-wire system.

Dark Archive

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190. Your cybertongue is full of party tricks, able to tie cherry stems into six different types of knots, lick your eyebrows, do 'the Gene Simmons thing' and give Annie the full steamboat, if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Sadly, all these tricks took up most of the programming space, and it has exactly one taste. Everything you eat tastes like Cajun-blackened lime Jell-O.


I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:
187. Your cybergroin is 'overclocked' to hell and gone. It requires vigorous use at least once a day...or it will explode.
Set wrote:

190. Your cybertongue is full of party tricks, able to tie cherry stems into six different types of knots, lick your eyebrows, do 'the Gene Simmons thing' and give Annie the full steamboat, if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Sadly, all these tricks took up most of the programming space, and it has exactly one taste. Everything you eat tastes like Cajun-blackened lime Jell-O.

This is heaven.

Cajun blackened lime jello heaven.


191. It comes with an alarm system that goes off (very loudly) any time any entity of small sized or above within 5 meters makes a sudden move, the user makes a sudden move, or when the user's blood pressure exceeds normal.

192. Your ocular implant comes with paid DLC for extra functionality such as three dimensions, depth perception, color (extra for HD or UHD), and peripheral vision.


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193. Your cybernetic arm used to belong to a particularly bitter elf, having been programmed to automatically swing at the face of any drow (or anyone who kinda looks like they are at least part drow) within arm's reach once every six seconds, and it will not stop.

193b. Your drow friend does not appreciate this.

193c. Your drow friend being you. You are the drow and this is your arm now. You have not slept since you put this arm on.


194. Your implant was made for use by a particularly vain dwarf, if you lack a considerable amount of facial hair it simply will not work. Fortunately it is easily fooled by even poor beard wigs, a bit of adhesive and space sheep wool will do. People often confuse you for a Sinterklaas, whatever that is.


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195. The implant possesses a basic AI, that so happens to be coded with a skittermander personality. It is constantly trying to help you, often causing you to over perform in basic actions using it, which tends to screw things up, and just as often it does actions for you that it deems helpful but you may disagree. An arm might make you reach too far to get something, or start grabbing near-inedible things to shove into your mouth because you are hungry, or if it does understand health it might force you to grab Diet AbadarCola rather than the regular. If it is an eye, it tends to zoom in too far, or virtually turn off when it gets too bright. So on and so forth.

Grand Lodge

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196. Your cybereye comes with built-in advertisements in a language you find imcomprehensible.


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196a. You went to the trouble to learn the language that the advertisements are in, and now you wish you hadn't . . . .


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196b. The advertisements are for products that would only interest the followers of assorted divinities of the lower planes.

Acquisitives

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

197. Stop hitting yourself. Stop it. STOP IT!

It won't stop. You keep hitting yourself.

Silver Crusade

198. Your Dance Dance Revolution leg-stim chip gets stuck in a loop when playing Star Sugar Heartlove!!. Once activated, you're movement must always begin and end in the same 5' square.

199. Your ear mod goes mute in response to gunfire or when you yell or scream.

199a. Your aural tech was adjusted; it now also unmutes and up-volumes when within eye-shot of any open-mouthed munching sound.

200. You've discovered your exo-core emits a trans-drift signal which coincides with when your darkvision strobes on/off.

200a. Like a chameleon, your cybernetic eyes occasionally look in two directions, often other than where you wish they would.

201. You're now grafted with a stealthy synthetic skin previously worn by an in-field exo-botanist. She wore it to blend with the plant species. But you are about to learn, like she did, that you've gained the tasty flaw.

198b-201b. Your mechanic back on the Pegasus, is bewildered by an error report accompanied by intermittent music from Strawberry Machine Cake synced to an unofficial psychedelic video. The cause? All of your implant's flaws (listed above in reverse order) were triggered.


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202. Your implant has an encoded comm unit built in. While occasionally useful, it was pwned by spammers long ago and wherever you go people are always complaining about the volume of spam they receive.

Try not to get found out; grand spamming is a serious crime on most of the Pact Worlds.

Eoxian passerby: "When I find the creature sending me advertisements of elven soft bits I will tear their soul out through their nose!" Other passersby nod knowingly.


avr wrote:

202. Your implant has an encoded comm unit built in. While occasionally useful, it was pwned by spammers long ago and wherever you go people are always complaining about the volume of spam they receive.

Try not to get found out; grand spamming is a serious crime on most of the Pact Worlds.

Eoxian passerby: "When I find the creature sending me advertisements of elven soft bits I will tear their soul out through their nose!" Other passersby nod knowingly.

Just most?

Yeah, Aballon it is reserved only for emergency announcements and gov't announcements. The Diaspera has no laws on it, and Aucturn encourages it.

Scarab Sages

203. Ever since you got your awesome new cyber-nose, the nearest person within 60' in front of you tends to get seriously injured or killed when you sneeze.

That, and the Tycho Brahe jokes; always with the Tycho Brahe jokes....

Acquisitives

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

204. Your throat implant isn't quite working. it just keeps making phlegm. and it won't stop.

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