GOD GOES OUT OF HIS WAY TO DENY THAT HE IS CHEESE
'This is why I've been sceptical about the whole thing from the get-go', commented Richard Dawkins. 'I mean, pfft. Who does He think He's fooling?'
EXISTENTIAL DREAD? IN MY PBS CHILDREN'S PROGRAMMING?
It's more likely than you think!
Also, "CubsForever2018" is crappy password, Dad, and you should browse porn using incognito mode. Seriously.
"GARFIELD" AND "FAMILY CIRCUS": WHO STILL READS THIS SH!T?; inside Comics section
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA/VOMITING RELATED DEATHS EPIDEMIC AMONG NERDS AS TWO DIVISIVE SCIENCE FICTION UNIVERSES MERGE
"Vulcan... Jedi... BLAAAAAGH!" according to one well known YouTuber.
EXTRA: FILMMAKER KEVIN SMITH DISCOVERED DEAD IN HIS MALIBU HOME. "[HUMAN EXCREMENT] WAS EVERYWHERE! EVERYWHERE!!!" ACCORDING TO POLICE SOURCE
EXCLUSIVELY AVAILABLE ON MTV GONDOR - 'PIMP MY SWORD', WITH GANDALF!
"I'm putting the 'glam' in 'Glamdring!', the excited wizard told us.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
CRAB!!!
"Why are you not running! It's on its way here!!!"
| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
KAISER WILHELM’S TIME-TRAVELING BATTLE WITH WOODROW WILSON BRIEFLY OCCURS IN TOKYO BETWEEN 1:10-1:22 AM THIS MORNING
”Of course something like this would happen in Japan. Why should I have expected otherwise?” - Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.
9 OUT OF 10 SCIENTISTS AGREE: PORK MADE FROM THE FLESH OF SWINE
10th scientist regularly appears on Fox News, decrying the partisan nature of science, indicates other 9 to be "in the pocket of 'Big Pig'", has developed drinking problem to help forget profound ethical compromise.
SIMIAN OVERLORDS TAKE OVER KEY GOVERNMENT, MILITARY INSTALLATIONS IN MALAYSIA, DECLARE SOVEREIGNTY OVER NATION OF 31 MILLION HUMANS.
Tonagana, orangutan and press secretary for the new regime, outlined a platform of environmental awareness for the nation and expressed hope for a peaceful transition of power.
EXTRA: REPORTER FOR PYONGYANG NEWS AGENCY HAS LIMBS TORN OFF BY SECURITY FOLLOWING AN ILL-CONSIDERED JOKE INVOLVING BANANAS.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
SOUP ARMOUR: THE FUTURE OF BATTLEFIELD PERSONAL PROTECTION?
We put the question to a panel of distinguished military experts, all of whom looked at us as if we were stupid and then said, 'No, you bunch of f#%#wits'
Eucalyptus-stoned Australian koalas remain smooth-brained and oblivious, continue to sit in rain, still no f*cks given
NEAPOLITAN FEDERATION SHATTERED BY "YEA" STRAWBERRY SECESSION VOTE; inside World, pg. 2
OUTCAST CLARKSSSTHHON VOWS TO JOIN SNAKE PEOPLE
"I've 'yuan-ti'd' to do this for a long time", he quipped. "You meat-monkeys think you've got it made, but you shall learn to fear the motorised Sons of Set - this I swear!"
DONKEY EATS SOME HAY
”God&@£m slow news days.” - Chief Editor of Onion-Paizo News
SLOPED POLITICIANS: A CURE FOR ELECTORAL APATHY?
"Paul Ryan looks soooo much more appealing at a 55 degree angle" - an eager voter
"YOU PEOPLE DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY NEWS THAT DOES NOT VALIDATE YOUR PRECONCEPTIONS!" DECLARES JOINT MEMORANDUM FROM MAJOR NEWS OUTLETS
"We're just going to keep spoon-feeding you exactly what you want to hear/ what our parent company wants you to think, and keep making that sweet, sweet advertising money, and you are going to sit back and like it." say news-mavens. U.S. collectively blames the opposition party for current state of affairs, watches preferred 24 news channel for updates.
SUPPERTIME FOR CYBER SAUSAGE!
You are probably scared - and with good reason!!!!
THOUSANDS OF TURTLES KILLED IN MUTAGEN SPILL
"Turns out, it only mutates them into ninjas if they're teenagers. Otherwise they die," - Dr. Randall Nostuff, Mutanologist
UNKNOWN PHENOMENON MUTATES ELDERLY CROWS INTO SAMURAI. Story continued on page 3.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING. PLEASE LET ME STOP." PLEADS OUT OF HIS DEPTH AMERICAN PRESIDENT.
GOP leaders collectively comfort Trump, with Senator John McCain (R-AZ) taking the beleaguered former president by the shoulders and saying "It's okay buddy. Let's go get you some Ice Cream." and leading him away.
EXTRA: VP MIKE PENCE STEPS DOWN, TERRIFIED OF THE NOTION OF HAVING TO SPEAK TO WOMEN AS PRESIDENT. HOUSE SPEAKER PAUL RYAN VISIBLY DELIGHTED, SOILS SELF WITH EXCITEMENT ON THE HOUSE FLOOR. NEW REIGN OF TERROR IMMINENT.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
TANG FRUIT DRINK MIX PROVEN TO BESTOW SUPERPOWERS IN HIGH CONCENTRATIONS
Coalition of 70's and 80's era astronauts form "Astro-League" dedicated to fighting injustice on a global scale.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
SUPER JESUS ENGAGED IN HIGH-FLYING MARTIAL ARTS BATTLE WITH ULTRA-LUCIFER IN THE SKIES ABOVE THE VATICAN
”My God... it’s just like my Japanese animes!” - Pope Francis
SKELETOR'S NEW COMBINATION OF ZUMBA AND COMPETITIVE FARTING WINS COVETED 'ETERNIAN GYM INNOVATION OF THE YEAR' AWARD
"I used to look surprised and blame it on Beastman", the purple arch-villain told us. 'Now there's no need - I'm a star!!!"
MONTGOMERY: STILL REFUSING TO CONCEDE, A FRENZIED FORMER ALABAMA CHIEF JUSTICE ROY MOORE RUNS AROUND THE CAPITOL BUILDING GROUNDS, NUDE BUT FOR COWBOY BOOTS AND HAT, SCREAMING INCOHERENT RELIGIOUS WORD SALAD
"JEESUUUUS!!! SODOMITES ARE ABORTING MY LIBERTY!!! JEEEESUUUUUUS!!!" -Roy Moore, shortly before passing out and audibly soiling himself
BREAKING: 60%+ OF ALABAMIANS IDENTIFYING AS EVANGELICALS PREFER CHILD SEXUAL PREDATORS TO DEMOCRATS.
|
DALAI LAMA CORDIALLY INVITES XI JINPING TO INDIA TO ATTEND FESTIVAL OF TRADITIONAL TIBETAN SPIRITUAL/MARTIAL ARTS
Display included demonstrations by Dob-dob warrior-monks, works of pre-Buddhist Tibetan necromancy to raise spectral Tibetan ancestors by the legion, conjuration of massive otherworldly Dakini, yak-butter-tea-drinking competitions, and the seldom-displayed mystical repertoire of His Holiness himself, who said of the event: "Many, many, people, they criticize me, they say I am too nice, and too kind to China. They do not understand why this is so: It is because I can be."
STRIESLAND WEAPONISED - PEACE SUDDENLY ANNOUNCED IN KOREAN PENINSULA
"Are we 'eck going to bugger around now 'er an' Barry Gibb are clarting around in the sky around Pyongyang', said a DPRK spokesman, spontaneously adopting a Yorkshire accent out of sheer panic.]
