It's Not The Onion - It's Paizo!


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Yellow Brick Road finally being fixed
"Lollipop guild is very excited" says chairman.


DUMBLEDORE REVEALED AS COMPLICIT IN ILLEGAL LLAMA SEX RING DURING THE 1990'S!
"Doesn't matter to me: I've been dead for years!" quips portrait of the late former Hogwart's headmaster.

Scarab Sages

ROBBIE COLTRANE STOPS TRAIN WITH FIST
"Dinnae know I could do that," mumbles Scottish celebrity


1 person marked this as a favorite.

YOUR BEST FRIEND IS STEALING YOUR SKIN
Unauthorized clones run rampant


"NANITES? IN MY BLOODSTREAM?!?"
According to analysts at the SETI Institute, it's more likely than you'd think!


3 people marked this as a favorite.

METEOR INTENTIONALLY VEERS OFF OF ITS COLLISION COURSE WITH EARTH
"The devastation I'd cause would just feel redundant," oddly sentient space rock explains.

Silver Crusade

Honeymooning Couple Accidentally Annexes Lichtenstein
"It's actually not that much power-there's like six people here, counting us." says new King Brad I of House Grady


1 person marked this as a favorite.

NATIONAL ANTHEM OF UK TO BE CHANGED TO 'GOOD KING BILLY HAD A 10-FOOT WILLY' ONCE PRINCE WILLIAM ATTENDS THRONE

Full scale replica will also be floated down Thames during coronation ceremony. Duchess of Cambridge said to be 'very proud'


DEMENTED U.S. PRESIDENT SIGNS CONTROVERSIAL EXECUTIVE ORDER BANNING BEES FROM AMERICAN AIRSPACE
"Bees! BEEEEES!!!" quipped beleaguered head of state, swatting desperately at the hallucinatory insects around his head


Enemas: Trend again?
Fashion expert says "YES!"

Silver Crusade

Nutella CEO announces bid for US Presidency in 2020
Early polling puts him at 32% lead


Drive-Thru McDonald's To Offer "Refreshing" Iced McEnema's Beginning In Summer 2018
Starbucks files patent for version of kopi luwak internally-fermented by customer in line ahead of you

Scarab Sages

8-LEGGED CONVICT ON THE LAM!
Suspect escapes pursuit, police "simply unable" to keep up

Silver Crusade

1 person marked this as a favorite.

"Mother of All Spiders" Destroys Hoboken, New Jersey
Several former residents report feeling a "sense of inner peace" after city's destruction.


1 person marked this as a favorite.

YOGHURT DEMANDS JUSTICE

We're not sure why, or what for, though.


Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

HARVEY WEINSTEIN REMOVED FROM WILLIAMS-SONOMA MAILING LIST


TATTOOS OF LATE CROONER ANDY WILLIAMS NOW TRENDING AMONG MILLENNIALS
Williamsburg hotspot "Moon River" sells artisinal beers while playing Bluray recordings of Andy Williams' Christmas specials from the 70's in a display of nostalgia described as "deeply strange" and "outright demented" by critics


SHOCK FINDINGS - GLENN CAMPBELL WAS NEITHER CAMP, NOR A BELL, NOR A SCENIC SCOTTISH VALLEY

'Further research necessary' to determine whether or not Herb Alpert actually a seasoning, say scientists


YALE SCIENTISTS EXHUME ART BELL; WILL DETERMINE IF ACTUALLY ART AND/OR BELL
Actual, cannibal Shia LaBeouf testifies Herb Albert was 'delicious', 'not a reptoid'


2 people marked this as a favorite.

DELICIOUS REPTOID RECIPES FOR THE HOLIDAYS FROM CELEBRITY CHEF AND NOTED EMPTY SHELL OF A MAN, GUY FIERI
"There were -so many- reptoids in Flavor-Town..." said Fieri, eating a basket of chili-fries and staring into the middle distance "...but I showed them... I showed them all."

Scarab Sages

LIBERTY BELL TO BE RELOCATED TO UK
Ironically, the former colonial superpower made better use of monument's song


GREAT WALL OF CHINA TO BE UPGRADED TO GRATE WALL OF CHINA
All manufacturing facilities in the country are producing cheese graters at a breakneck pace.


ANAL LEAKAGE A "SMALL PRICE TO PAY FOR SPECTACULAR WEIGHT LOSS RESULTS" ACCORDING TO LEADING FITNESS TRAINERS
The faint smell of feces becomes the social norm among the vain screwheads using the "FattyMelt" supplement, which produces a significant side effect but still more significant wight loss

Silver Crusade

2 people marked this as a favorite.

Star-crossed Lovers Take Their Life in Verona, Italy
The incident appears to have started a gang war in the city streets. Police Chief Escalus declined to comment.


'TAPE ME TO CHER!'

'Life After Love' hitmaker helps dream come true for dying baby elephant


1 person marked this as a favorite.

REKNOWNED NYC NOSE-TO-TAIL RESTAURANT "HANNIBAL'S" CLOSED; POLICE & FBI INVESTIGATING
Head chef--actual, cannibal Shia LaBeouf--sought for questioning

Scarab Sages

GLUE-SNIFFING CRAZE ECLIPSES OPIOID EPIDEMIC
Looks like nation picked the wrong year to quit


CDC: ECLIPSE CRAZE NOW ECLIPSES OPIOID AND GLUE-SNIFFING EPIDEMICS
Public beginning to suspect that epidemiologists & news editors really just starved for any public attention

HOT DOG EATING CHAMP JOEY CHESTNUT EATEN BY ACTUAL, CANNIBAL SHIA LABEOUF; more in Lifestyles section


SHMEBULOK!
Shmebulok

Scarab Sages

KU KLUX KLAN, KOO-KOO THE KLOWN IN PITCHED LEGAL BATTLE FOR RIGHTS TO KKK.COM
Pundits wonder: Who is America presently more afraid of?


MASSIVE FART CLOUD DECIMATES CROP FIELDS IN THE AMERICAN MIDWEST
Authorities say “We’re pretty sure that GoatToucher is involved somehow.”


WILD GHOST CHASE SPREADS ACROSS THE WORLD!

Old ghost hunter says: "I want real ghosts, not pokemon."


2 people marked this as a favorite.

DISCOVERED: 'LOREM IPSUM' TEXT ACTUALLY RITUAL FOR SUMMONING GREAT OLD ONES TO EARTH
Yith Spokesperson Announce Use Of Comic Sans, Papyrus Act As Wards of Dimensional Forbiddence

TOP 20 YOUTUBE CELEBRITIES: HUMAN OR MYTHOS RACE?; take the quiz in Lifestyles section


1 person marked this as a favorite.

HUBBARD'S RUBBER CUPBOARD - REVOLUTIONARY NEW SCIENTOLOGICALIST INVENTION 'GUARANTEED' TO REMOVE ENGRAMS FROM FETISH GEAR

"Mmmm! Mghm Hmm Hmm Hmm! Mgm Hmm Hgh Hmm!", said a spokesperson wearing a skin-tight Hazmat suit with roving enema attachment.


(What's the CR for a roving enema attachment?)

RENOWNED CLUB FOR ELITE HEARTBEAT-CHALLENGED COMMUNITY THROWING PUBLIC FREE BUFFET
"Eating contests, identify-the-meat sausages, blood pudding bake-offs! No one goes away hungry!" - A. Zombie, chairman

INTERVIEW: THIS OLD GINGERBREAD HOUSE HOST, BOBA YAGA DA VILA (BABY); in Lifestyles

Scarab Sages

NEAPOLITAN ICE CREAM SLAMMED FOR LACK OF DIVERSITY/INCLUSIVITY
"All you see is chocolate, strawberry, and of course vanilla - where's all the coffee? Green tea? Tutti Frutti? Everyone knows Lilikoi is Flavor of the Week, where is its representation!?" - scolds shrill, joyless, chain-smoking career social critic


Roving enema attachments add the equivalent of a +2 enhancement to the cost of your magic weapon, I think

CRUMHORNING NOW OFFICIALLY AN OLYMPIC SPORT - RELIGIOUS LEADERS APPALLED
'Freestyle Shalming or Mixed Beach Ribalds, fine, but this is beyond the pale!', stormed an absolutely livid Unitarian Bishop.


2 people marked this as a favorite.

PILE OF DEAD RACCOONS CONFIRMED AS NEW SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR IN WHIRLWIND CONGRESSIONAL HEARING
"Honestly, it's not like the Pile will be any better or worse than the last guy..." notes spokesperson for utterly defeated DNC

Scarab Sages

CHARLES MANSON MANIFESTS STIGMATA
Manson will consider recording a rap album, legally renaming himself "Christ-Faced Killah"


2 people marked this as a favorite.

AT LEAST 17 GOP SENATORS TEST POSITIVE FOR RABIES AFTER RAUCOUS SECRETARY OF INTERIOR CONFIRMATION
Senator Yertle: "If it's legitimate rabies, the senator's body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

SHED HUMANOID EXOSKELETON LEFT OUTSIDE "CUPS & COMPANY", OWNER SOUGHT; in DC Local section


2 people marked this as a favorite.

NORMAL DAY WITH NOTHING EXCITING HAPPENING CAUSES DOWNWARD SPIRAL IN MARKETS
”It’s quiet... too quiet...” one paranoid stockbroker whispered.

Scarab Sages

1 person marked this as a favorite.

DRACULA RISES ONCE MORE FROM GRAVE, PLEDGES TO BRING PEACE, JUSTICE, DEBT RELIEF TO EU
Belmont family urged from all sides to "just this once, hang up the whip"


POLICE RESPOND TO LOCAL COSTCO; SENATOR CRUZ VIGOROUSLY ATTEMPTING TO BUY ALL THE SOUP
Cops repeatedly firehosed customers swarming Cruz attempting to touch his glistening, baby-soft skin

ARE YOUR INSECTILE PHEROMONES COLOGNE/PERFUME TOO STRONG? TAKE OUR 13 POINT QUIZ TO FIND OUT by Heidi Cruz; inside Science & You section

Scarab Sages

YAKOV SMIRNOFF MOVING TO SHANGHAI
Disillusioned comic: "In capitalist America, bank robs YOU!"


IN A SURPRISE MOVE, U.S. PRESIDENT REPLACES KEY CABINET SPOTS WITH 1980'S ERA WWF SUPERSTARS - BASE OVERCOME WITH JOY
Sylvester "Junkyard Dog" Ritter nominated and confirmed as Secretary of Health and Human Services in spite of death in fatal 1998 collision


YELLING IS THE BEST MEDICINE ACCORDING TO LANCET ARTICLE
”Laughter often makes things worse.” - Doctor Lumbago

Silver Crusade

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Original Can of Coca-Cola found in abandoned factory in Peshtigo, Wisconsin
Company advises against opening it, as the soda inside has likely fermented into an anthrax-like liquid.


2 people marked this as a favorite.

NO SURPRISE: 9 OUT OF 10 COKE FANS STILL PREFER ANTHRAX COKE OVER REGULAR PEPSI
Sentient Coke Sludge now up 7 points over Walker in WI Gov race

5TH OUT OF 5 DENTISTS & 10TH COKE FAN CAUGHT, HIGH ON MOONPIES AND RC COLA; pg. 15, in Local Gossip

Silver Crusade

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Invaders from Outer Space Touch Down in Washington, Immediately Leave
Aliens reportedly said "Shoot, no intelligent life here either?" before leaving.

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