John Napier's Personal Story

[John Napier 698]

That's okay, NH. Good advice is a matter of your point of view.

[GM_Beernorg]

Hey, we may argue (politely most of of the time) round these parts, but when you get down to brass tacks, we are sort of a "second family" on these boards. We share allot here, more than allot of folks not familiar with this magic land might think.

I think I echo everyone here when I say hang in there John old bean! Our ears are always open and we do indeed care.

Besides, someone has to keep me in line round here! :)

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, Beernorg. Doing my best to hang in. And I don't think you need to be "kept in line" very much.

[The Raven Black]

"Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain, we all have sorrow.
But if we are wise,
We know that there's always tomorrow.

Lean on me when you're not strong
I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on."

All of you people are indeed great and generous. Keep being who you are

John, this applies doubly to you :-)

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, Raven. My mother always did love that song. :)

[Wei Ji the Learner]

John, you'd dropped me a PM shortly after you posted this, but I was really tied up with preparing for a convention and working on an inventory preparation at work.

Thank you, and condolences on everyone's losses mentioned up-thread.

Personal Impact(LONG):

Put this here because some folks may not want to read into it. In fact, there's a bit of trauma here, so if folks want to back out now, it's not too late...

We all deal with loss in our way..

Approximately twenty-two years ago I started hanging out with a writing group that wrote fanfiction (before it was called that in the mainstream).

The first time we met, there was a memorial service for two of the members, both who had died from complications of cancer, one quickly, one slowly over the course of a year.

Being brought into that, being a part of a family that was not my own 'flesh and blood' was an intense sort of moment.

...and I kind of shut down.

When my grandfathers passed, within a month of each other, I shocked people with how calm and collected I was on the outside. There was no way to release that, no way to express.. everyone else was falling apart, someone had to keep their head on straight.

When the person I had been pursuing an on-again, off-again sort of relationship with passed due to heart failure, it was again, a sobering bolstering moment, and there was no good way to just let it go.

About ten years ago, one of the bright young people in our close-knit writing group comitted suicide, leaving behind a wife and two children.

The collective gut-punch took a little bit out of everyone, but we pulled it together and helped the family as best we could, held another memorial, and moved on, because we could do the memory no less than that honor.

Four years ago, one of my uncles developed brain cancer shortly after 'going clean' from a certain illicit substance, and was gone within a month. By the time it was found he was unable to respond to or recognize anyone, and there's been a sense of shame and failure that I didn't go to see him at the hospital, even though my father assured me that it was better I didn't.

The past two years have seen the age-related deaths of three members of the group, along with another victim of cancer -- she got one of the fast moving ones, after clearing out a slow moving one, and was gone within the space of a week or so.

But the one that hit me the hardest was the worst one. There was a newer member of our group who had some for lack of a better term 'social interaction issues'. It would never fail that even when they were trying their hardest to 'be a good person' and 'be a part of the writing family' that their actions would come off as 'painfully forced', and when we'd try to reach out to the person to try and help them fit in, they'd sort of 'shut down'.

As a result, we were cool to the person, but we didn't turn them away. But now, now the armchair back of the mind quarterbacking begins, much like your brother -- were the signs there? Did ALL of us ignore them? Did *I* in particular say something that pushed them over eventually? Did we do wrong by not being more open and accepting of this person?

I'm sure you're aware of how corrosive these thoughts can be. And when they've been bottled up for weeks, months, years with no appreciable outlet...

Wow... that was a lot longer than I anticipated it being...

It's hard to reconcile emotions sometimes, but *knowing* the pitfalls and that they are *there* does help.

Losing emotional context is the worst thing that can happen to a person, imo.

Thank you for reaching out.

:>

[John Napier 698]

No problem, Wei Ji. When you need to, re-read the posts in this thread and try to draw strength from them. Having gone through what I did, I can relate to everything You've posted. My PM inbox is always open. :)

[John Napier 698]

I almost had another "emotional moment" last night. Easy enough to do when all alone in an empty parking garage, in the middle of the night. *sigh*

[Rysky]

*hugs*

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, Rysky. I guess it was the feeling of isolation that did it, being alone with only yourself for company. And memories of the recent past.

[Kileanna]

I can understand you. Even if we are separated by half a world, I'm here for anything you need.

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, Rysky. I guess it was the feeling of isolation that did it, being alone with only myself for company. And memories of the recent past.

Edit: better choice of a word. Sorry.

[Sharoth]

we are here for you and you can call anytime.

[Selene Spires]

*hugs*

I get that isolated feeling alot...even in a room full of people. The best way to deal with it is just remember you have people who do care about you.

[King Yesterday Of Action!Town!]

I have s+*!loads of action figures if you ever need to just play with figures.

And we're not afraid of crossovers! Rolf the dog, Silent Bob, and Fat Tony can all hangout together.

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, everyone. I actually had a reasonably good day at work.

[feytharn]

Glad to hear. Remember: We are here for you should you need virtual company ;-)

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, Feytharn. I'll remember.

[John Napier 698]

And so, this morning I find out that Social Security is messing with my mother's benefits. She will appeal, of course. But until then, I have to take up the slack. Every time I try to get things on an even keel, someone comes along to trip me. Typical. :(

[Kileanna]

I hope you can fix it. If it's an error they have to ammend it.

Today I went to ask to the social security for my unemployed payment (I have right to get it despite being working because I am not employed all the time, just some days) and I realized that my bosses have made a big mess with my contracts and I am the one who has to fix it if I want to get some money. Right now I really need that money until I get some long employment at summer.

So we are both dealing with social security right now.

[John Napier 698]

More than likely, it's a bonehead decision made by some petty bureaucrat who doesn't care about retirees. The guy sounds like a penny pincher.

[DungeonmasterCal]

I'm disabled. It took me a year and a half to get my Social Security disability benefits. And they're just a monthly pittance and I often have to rely on other folks to help me get through the month until my next check arrives.

And don't get me started on how the Republican Party is trying to do away with Social Security altogether....

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, Cal. My mother had to retire from being a Nurse because her retinas detached from Diabetes. The surgeons restored some of her sight, but she is now legally blind. And as a Disabled person, she voluntarily surrendered her driving privileges.

[DungeonmasterCal]

I haven't given up my driving privileges yet, but my acute anxiety disorder is making it harder and harder for me to drive without having panic attacks. My son doesn't have a vehicle, so I've largely just turned mine over to him and part of the deal is that when I need something he has to come get me or pick it up for me, no questions asked and no excuses to not do so.

[Kileanna]

That's tough. Sorry to hear that. My father had also to retire because of a serious disease (it's a weird disease that causes his kidneys to fail).
At least social security works more or less fine here (we had some of the best social security systems in all world-as well as ridiculously high taxes- but the current government is destroying it). I hope you can fix it soon, John.

[John Napier 698]

So do I. I'm going to postpone getting a new desktop. Going to get another hard drive and do a track-by-track copy from the old to the (relatively) new. Perhaps I could request a new assignment in a different site and use the Social Security letter as evidence of need.

[Kileanna]

I wish I could help but I don't know anything about how SS works in America.

[DungeonmasterCal]

It can be a pretty convoluted, bureaucracy laden process.

[John Napier 698]

That is probably rife with inter-office backstabbing. Effin' bureaucrats.

[Selene Spires]

*hugs*

I don't have much experience in fighting with petty bureacrats...so all I can do is wish you good luck with it.

[John Napier 698]

*accepts hugs* Thanks, Selene.

[John Napier 698]

This past Monday, Cal posted a link to a song that made me weep for its entire length. He meant it for his good friend Jerry, but it also could have applied to my brother. *sigh* Once again, my emotional scars were ripped open.

[Kjeldorn]

*peeks out from underneath his bedcovers*

Man I feel ya
I mean I haven't lost any close family...but right now I at least know of raw emotional turmoil. It's a raw, stomach turning ride that leaves you crying your eyes out. Some say that it is good to cry sometimes...often forgetting the very real emotion investment it requires to truly bare your feelings like that.
I don't know man, guess what I'm saying is that you and only you set the terms for your feelings and emotions. All we can do is man-hug you and assure you are, at the very least, safe and comforted here. No matter how vulnerable you feel, no matter if you turn into a weeping ball of raw emotions, we'll (hopefully me included) be here for you.

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, Kjel. It's just that the song was another gut-punch. I'm okay now, for now.

[DungeonmasterCal]

The funeral for Jerry was today. It was a small service of family and very close friends, some of whom I've not seen in decades. I help up better than I expected I would, but there's going to be a hole in my heart for a long time.

[John Napier 698]

*Man-hugs Cal* ;_;

[The Mad Comrade]

DungeonmasterCal wrote:

The funeral for Jerry was today. It was a small service of family and very close friends, some of whom I've not seen in decades. I help up better than I expected I would, but there's going to be a hole in my heart for a long time.

*Man-hug* Good luck.

[Limeylongears]

My sympathies, Cal.

[Tacticslion]

*joins the hugs*

[Freehold DM]

He will always be with you, Cal.

[DungeonmasterCal]

I have no doubt of that, Freehold. We're gaming tonight, in fact, and the big joke is who's going to spill their drink first (he was known for just walking into a room and everything just leaping off table into the floor. It was like his superpower or something).

[John Napier 698]

Roll dice for it. Make it a Dex check and the lowest result spills the drink. :)

[The Mad Comrade]

John Napier 698 wrote:

Roll dice for it. Make it a Dex check and the lowest result spills the drink. :)

I like it.

If the group is so disposed, make a drinking game of it for the session.

[John Napier 698]

I like it. Every ten minutes or so, everyone but the GM rolls. The lowest result takes a drink. The game ends when someone becomes unconscious.

[DungeonmasterCal]

We've decided we're going to have our group Christmas party on his birthday, Dec. 8. We're going to rent a cabin from the organization where my wife works and game and have a memorial all weekend.

[Syrus Terrigan]

Pro play, that, Cal. :)

Speed of the bunny!

[feytharn]

*hugs*
My sympathies, Cal.

[DungeonmasterCal]

Thanks, guys!

[Beercifer]

in the US Veteran community, our hastag is #22. Because supposedly,twenty-two of us die from suicide, daily. Your words impact home pretty bad, and I share your sorrow, if not your experiences with that loved one. Bless you.

[John Napier 698]

Thanks, Beercifer. Hearing that means a lot.