BigNorseWolf makes you question humanity here


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hen i was a kid (and well into when I was an adult) there was a "cheese store" half a mile down the road. I've always liked cheese so one of the first things i did when i turned 10 and was allowed to walk along the highway (free range children era...) was walk there.

The shelves had dust covered pasta boxes from the 60s. I got a surprised look and and angry "what do you want" before proceeding to name 4 or 5 different types of cheeses i was looking for in a Monte python esque discussion with the owner before backing out slowly.

Always meant to look into what was going on with that place.


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I never knew you started out as a hen.(free range hen aparently.)


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Peace corps training day. A basketball court in the sahara desert. At night there's about 30 of us sleeping under the stars. Winged shapes start zooming over head, flying around, the larger ones sound like rhodan when they whiz by.

One of the ladies says "Ooo the birds are so pretty!"

Whisper to the person next to me "if you're telling her those are bats let me cover my ears first"


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The white lab i've mentioned a few times.

We got her some pretty strong pain killers for her hips.

Day 1: NOO! I'm not eating those! bites your hand
Day 2: Meh alright whatever
Day 3: WOOF! its 10:15 wheres my fix?

She'd follow me down the stairs when I went on the computer, but couldn't get back up very easily. I started picking her up and carrying her up the stairs.

Day 1: WRIGGLE WRIGGLE what do you think you're doing?
Day 2 wriggle oh come on really?
Day 3: WOOF! Hey, you forget something down here? TAXI!


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Ingress player to pokemon go player : Thats a total ripoff of my game kid! In my day that was just ingress

Me to ingress player : Thats a total ripoff of MY game kid. We called that orienteering. And we played with a map. And a compass. In the woods.


Gym. Younger guys doing one of those workouts where you have three sets of exercises going at once and you alternate sets between them so you never stop.

I'm doing my old geezer 3 sets. Move. 3 sets Move.

I get to one of the plate machines (its a machine but it uses the freeweight weights to work) "Hey you done with this one?"

"Oh yeah, you need some of the weight off of there sir?"

Oh really.....

"Just needed to know if you were done" Toss some more weight on there. Sir? Add some more for good measure.... been meaning to up the weight on that one anyway grumble...


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When I worked in the pool one of the parts we had to pick up was a trail and dock area. Monday morning the place is usually trashed.

A turkey buzzard used to follow me. Instead of taking the hint and moving faster, I'd just pull choice bits of food out from under the benches and bushes and put them in the middle of the trail, then pick up what was left on my way up. He got some food, I had 4 fewer pounds of trash in the bag to lug back up the hill.

For some reason it was always the same one (probably didn't want to tell his friends about the sweet deal he had)

When i was showing the new guy the route I didn't even think about picking up a turkey leg from under the bench and setting it on the trail.

"What are you doing that foAAAAAAGAH!"

If you've never seen one up close, they are surprisingly large birds.
If you've never seen one fly at you, they are AMAZINGLY large birds.

"Oh. Sorry. Buzz. New Guy. New Guy. Buzz. "

The Exchange

Humans and cats tend to flinch when creatures suddenly move at them. You could have told the new guy you had a vulture animal companion...


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OK, so I discovered this thread a few days ago. I think I've caught up with all the posts and I want to add a funny story/experience we had about 10 years ago.

We (me, my hubby, and our daughter) are at King's Island theme park in cicada season. They were everywhere. (duh) At one point we go to ride Top Gun/Flight Deck/The Bat (a suspended coaster, for those who are unfamiliar with it). As we get on, a cicada lands on my husband's hand. He tries to shake it off, but it clings. He holds his hand up in the air so it will fly away - nope. He gets yelled at, they can't start the ride until he puts his arm inside the car. So, he does. Cicada sticks. Cicada gets to go on the ride. Stays with him all the way through and even once we get off. Now we're standing on the exit ramp and my daughter takes a picture, just as a record. After she does, the critter FINALLY takes off and heads out to do whatever cicada things it had left to do.

I guess it just wanted a coaster ride.


It also wanted that photo they take of you during the coaster ride.


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If you've been living under a rock for most of your life, and get up with only a small amount of time left, wouldn't you want to be entertained in your last moments?


Spiral_Ninja wrote:

OK, so I discovered this thread a few days ago. I think I've caught up with all the posts and I want to add a funny story/experience we had about 10 years ago.

We (me, my hubby, and our daughter) are at King's Island theme park in cicada season. They were everywhere. (duh) At one point we go to ride Top Gun/Flight Deck/The Bat (a suspended coaster, for those who are unfamiliar with it). As we get on, a cicada lands on my husband's hand. He tries to shake it off, but it clings. He holds his hand up in the air so it will fly away - nope. He gets yelled at, they can't start the ride until he puts his arm inside the car. So, he does. Cicada sticks. Cicada gets to go on the ride. Stays with him all the way through and even once we get off. Now we're standing on the exit ramp and my daughter takes a picture, just as a record. After she does, the critter FINALLY takes off and heads out to do whatever cicada things it had left to do.

I guess it just wanted a coaster ride.

I worked at a kings island for a period. Top gun was one of my favorites.


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You may need to trim the beard when...

Parent with misbehaving child

*whisper whisper whisper points at me*

A few minutes later

"Sorry we just told him..."

"I know, that he needed to behave because santa was RIGHT OVER THERE. Third time today...."

Funniest road rage incident

Guys going kinda fast cutting through a parking lot, where the cars are supposed to park. I give him a honk.

He takes an issue with that, stops and gets out of the car and comes over as I'm getting out of the truck.

"So let me get this straight. You're going to have your butt kicked, by a fat man, with a white beard, with a red truck" pat pats the truck "with a sack full of toys In december"

His girlfriend starts pushing him back into the car "you are not fighting lumberjack santa. Nope. No. no. "


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BigNorseWolf wrote:
His girlfriend starts pushing him back into the car "you are not fighting lumberjack santa. Nope. No. no. "

It's a kind of fitting description, isn't it?


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Not sure why this memory popped into my head.

I'm cleaning the cliffs over the bear mountain pool. Now, to get there you go from the pool up 3 flights of steps, up a hill, and walk up a drainage ditch, and wind up 30 feet from where you started.

Pick stuff up, put in bag. Pick stuff up, put in bag

The boss calls me down "<Wolf>, come here"

"Now, really?"

"Yeah, really"

Down the cliff, down the drain, down 2 flights of stairs.

"Whats up?"

"See that lady over there on the right side of the pool?"

"Ya"

"Go over and growl at her."

"... really?"

"Yeah. Seriously. Go"

Down another flight of stairs

"Ahem.. ma'm?"

"yeees?"

" Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"

She breaks out laughing. Walk up the steps.

"Okay, now do i get to know the joke?"

"Yeah, lady said she wanted to see a bear. I said it could be arranged"

Too funny to be mad.


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Apologies if this is a repeat. Dunno how i missed this one

Cleaning up the docks below the pool on the hudson river. Guy comes running over with a fishing pole letting out line.

"Help, I got a swan tangled up in the fishing line"

"erm.. you got any bread?" (not the best thing for them, but better than winding up in a hundred feet of fishing line)

We throw some bread out to the swans, the one tangled in line comes over.

Plan A: My coworker and the fisherman hold my legs, I dangle down over the retaining wall and untangle the line.

Result: The swan was happy to take the bread out of my hand. They were NOT happy with the other hand going under them for their feet to untangle the line. They took their wings WHAP WHAP WHAP bouncing the wing joints off my head.

Most people don't punch that hard.

Plan B. Throw some bread at 12 o clock. Throw some bread at 3 o clock around the bird, throw some bread at 6 o clock around the bird. We got them swimming in circles for a few minutes and pulled up the line.

Bird angry but untangled.

Scarab Sages

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Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Maps, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps Subscriber

Yeah, dont mess with swans. They hit HARD.

The Exchange

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Mort the bird rescue cat…

I found a little bird near my office

On advice of acres wildlife rescue, I put it back on the nearest tree branch

(They asked me if I was comfortable handling the bird in question, seeing it’s just a small one – so the claws and beak would probably do minimal damage, I said yes)

Now I know that I should NOT be able to get so near to a bird to take photographs without the bird panicking and flying off, so I suspected that the bird for some reason, cannot fly. Turns out it’s a fledgling. So I did get to touch a small bird today.

I'm speculating its a Golden-bellied Gerygone

Scarab Sages

Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Maps, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps Subscriber

Little guy looks happy to be back in the tree.


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Went into the doctors office. She tells me thanks for the advertisement, but you might be setting the other patients expectations too high.

Huh?

I was sitting in the waiting room and it got busy. Since I was 20 years younger than the next person, taking up 2 seats with my overly large keister and (as most of this thread will tell you, not exactly afraid of dirt) I took a seat on the floor and assumed my usual fat buddah position.

She had two patients ask her for whatever flexibility supplements she was prescribing the large gentleman folding himself in half in the waiting room...


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HA!

I just pictured a large bottle in the supplements aisle at the drug store. A picture of a smiling fat buddah guy and the words: "LARGE FOLDED GENTLEMAN - for flexibility*".

*This statement has not been evaluated by anyone.

Scarab Sages

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I have new rats. Males. And they are large. And a bit fat. The heaviest is 0,600 gram. Which should be 1,3 pounds?


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Characters crashing into each other reminded me of this one.

At the park we're working in a big open field with waist high dried out grass. I tell my usual partner (the guy who was afraid of dogs from the first page) "This is snake city. Let me go first"

The bulldozer picks up a milk snake. I try to get it out. Boss drives off. Head after the bulldozer, pry some boards apart and slip him out. He's flicking his tongue right on my glasses, but lets me pry him out without any problems and set him down.

Later on I spend the rest of the day going first. All day. picking up garbage people have dumped in the field.

He gets ahead of me for TWO SECONDS and I see him and a giant black Rope jump up about three feet in the air. He crashes into a female coworker, bowls her over her over, crashes straight into me, and as I'm a lot harded to move, does a spin and run like he's running for the endzone. I head over to the snake and look at a black tail vanishing into the grass... pretty sure that's a black rat snake with an oddly high amount of mottling. Non venomous and usually really good natured even when stepped on but they are a really big snake (5-8 feet) and I think they have some teeth if they want to use them.


BigNorseWolf wrote:
I head over to the snake and look at a black tail vanishing into the grass... pretty sure that's a black rat snake with an oddly high amount of mottling. Non venomous and usually really good natured even when stepped on but they are a really big snake (5-8 feet) and I think they have some teeth if they want to use them.

Yep. They do. Lots of little ones.


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College. heading to the convenience store.

I hear an argument around the corner. Someone about my size is arguing with the manager/one of the guys from the forestry frat where I live.

"Whatcha gonna do about it? He's not going to help you" points accross the street. "He's not going to help you" points at me. My friend turns around, <WOLF!!!> How's it going man? " shakes his hand and smiles really big. The guy shuffles off.

He was friends with the bouncer across the street too...


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Bar fight breaks out as i'm walking home from a 1 am all night starcraft bender studying session. pretty much at my feet. One guy with a few of his friends trying to hold him back that looks like he could be an SU lineman is trying to hit a much smaller guy with a gymnast build trying to move away but isn't really moving that fast (either from shots or shots to the head)

I move in between them, get one, two. three shots to the head. the last one sounds like ice breaking, and i go dead cold for a second before i realize that WASN"T my skull. Well THATS not working. Okay, pick up the smaller guy by the waist, hup up up up hup up down a the block. Oh good the scrum at the bar stayed put. And we had a lovely conversation chit chatting on the corner in slightly messed up english.

The Exchange

Urk. I don’t like fights. I’m small so I’d avoid them at all costs. Definitely wouldn’t intervene in one, I’d just go call the cops.


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Just a Mort wrote:
Urk. I don’t like fights. I’m small so I’d avoid them at all costs. Definitely wouldn’t intervene in one, I’d just go call the cops.

After a certain number of blows to the head you get used to it.

Forestry class. Someone dropped a large tree atop a small sapling. Whoops, sorry little tree, let me get that tree off of...

It turns out that tree was under a lot of tension and thanks to the way the branches were bent, didn't spring up QUITE straight. So it springpoles up like a catapult and WHACKS me in the face. Im thankfully wearing some kareem sports goggles just for this sort of thing happening so I get knocked back on my butt. And looked like a raccoon for at least a week.

Animals know the druid. The trees? NO Professional courtesy.


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Frathouse. Early sunday. Knock knock knock

Someone else beats me to the door. Despite being very, very, hung over.

Girls at the door "Did you know your dog is eating your trash?"

"We don't have a dog"

And a german shepherd looking mut ran inside the door

And then we had a dog.


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Mom: Why is your room the only one in the house that doesn't have mosquitos

Spider: Drops down from the ceiling, then climbs back up


BigNorseWolf wrote:

Mom: Why is your room the only one in the house that doesn't have mosquitos

Spider: Drops down from the ceiling, then climbs back up

This guy gets it!


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Thing I did that freaked out the family when I was little(er)

Found a dead rat , picked it up, asked my grand aunt to do CPR on it, like tv.

Thing I did that REALLY freaked out the family when I was littler

Found a dead "really big pretty silver rat" did CPR on it... and it worked.

DC 10 knowledge nature check:
Eyup. Possum


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BigNorseWolf wrote:

Mom: Why is your room the only one in the house that doesn't have mosquitos

Spider: Drops down from the ceiling, then climbs back up

:::spider drops down from ceiling:::

Seconds later: Hubby [when I stop screaming] "You could have opened the door first!"

Sorry: true arachnophobe. I even panic at pictures of them.

Scarab Sages

Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Maps, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps Subscriber
BigNorseWolf wrote:


Animals know the druid. The trees? NO Professional courtesy.

Haha, in the comic Rat Queens, there is a druis, who has the same problem. The trees are being d*cks.


Woran wrote:
BigNorseWolf wrote:


Animals know the druid. The trees? NO Professional courtesy.

Haha, in the comic Rat Queens, there is a druis, who has the same problem. The trees are being d*cks.

If I got ripped we'd look a lot alike...

Unfortunately my gym time makes me look more like two dwarves in a trench coat than a body builder...


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Said dog was sleeping on my bed during a party, because it's quiet.

Because she's on the bed I'm over by the door swinging around one of these things .. you know safely.

Someone thats had a few drinks opens the door without knocking looking for the bathroom, just as I'm bringing that thing towards the door. Fortunately i manage to stop it...

So i hear the next morning.

"yeah, someone with wet pants came downstairs and said something about a big guy with a big beard swinging a giant sword around in the bathroom...We went "OH! You met <Wolf> in unison...


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Roadrage video made me remember this one

Guy on phone "hey, we'd like to report a hit and run. Someone illegally parked in our parking lot and hit one of the cars here."

"Did anyone see the accident?"

"No but..."

"I'm not sure how you want us to find them

"Their liscene plate is ABC 1 2 3 "

"I thought no one saw the accident

"Yeah but...."

We're standing in the kitchen holding their bumper. With their liscense plate.

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