The Paizo Office Closure Conspiracy Thread!


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It is clear that the Illuminati are now in control of Paizo, and now they will sneak in their message of world domination and thought control into all future modules and game supplements. Dare I say that soon a new edition of Pathfinder will be released, but this time with the Illuminati's stamp of approval? By stamp I literally mean it...


I hear that Kobald Krump has tiny claws.............


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*rolls*


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TOZ's Wandering Eye wrote:
*rolls*

Interesting that your name is similar to the Illuminati's eye symbol on the dollar bill. Interesting...


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Insane KillMaster wrote:
Farael the Fallen wrote:

Its clear that the conspiracy is much bigger than I thought. Today I am celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving, but I can't believe that the Paizo Offices are closed to also celebrate it. I call on the fans of Pathfinder to begin an investigation that will probably take years, and it will take them to paths that have nothing to do with the office closures. Somehow we must find out the TRUTH, and we probably won't like what we find.

Now I must finish my traditional, Canadian Thanksgiving meal...
Hey, Canadian boozes are way better (and more alcholized) than American ones... so they are excused.

YEAH!!!!!CANADA!!!WHOOH!CANADA!BEER!TIM HORTONS!HOCKEY!LACROSSE!BEAVERS!THE MAPLE LEAF!MAPLE SYRUP! CANADA!!!! *Pulls out hockey stick, bottle of maple syrup, extra large cup of double double coffee, and canadian flag*


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The Paizo Office was never closed! It's all a false memory that you have been implanted with to distract you from the real conspiracy...


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Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Maps, Pathfinder Accessories, Pawns, Starfinder Society Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber

We're through the looking glass, people...

Silver Crusade

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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Companion, Lost Omens, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber

Clearly the offices were besieged by a small army of spear-wielding potatoes.


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I guarantee you there's no problem. There's no problem.


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My claws aren't small, actually, it's Chromatic's tentacles that are small, really, so actually he's the one with tiny, tiny things.


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I just met an ogre, and his hands were actually much, much smaller than mine. And he, ogres have big hands, I think I'm confident in saying. I have the most, I have the greatest, biggest hands. #Creepy Chomatic lies again!


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GET BACK IN THE PICKLING BARREL!


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Creepy Chromatic doesn't even have hands! He doesn't even know what hands are. If I had to go hand-to-hand to him, I would win, big league, like I always win big league.


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Captain Killjoy wrote:
GET BACK IN THE PICKLING BARREL!

Happy #SwallowtailFestivalInvasionDay! The best pickle jars are made in Krump Kavern Canneries. I love goblins!


Knight who says Meh wrote:
The Paizo Office was never closed! It's all a false memory that you have been implanted with to distract you from the real conspiracy...

Then none of this could be real? WHAT IS THE TRUTH? WHAT IS REAL???


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I'm pretty sure the Avengers are real.


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Kobald Krump wrote:
Creepy Chromatic doesn't even have hands! He doesn't even know what hands are. If I had to go hand-to-hand to him, I would win, big league, like I always win big league.

Maybe, but you should try arm-wrestling with me.


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Thomas Seitz wrote:
I'm pretty sure the Avengers are real.

I wouldn't mind meeting Emma Peel. :P


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The investigation in the real conspiracy of the Paizo office closure will take his to the TRUTH, and what we learn will completely change what we know to be REALITY! Everything that we have been told is a LIE! We cannot turn back now! THE TRUTH IS IN THERE!


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[fnord] It probably has something to do with 4-corner time days, 4 full days within 1 Earth rotation. [/fnord]


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Scythia wrote:
Thomas Seitz wrote:
I'm pretty sure the Avengers are real.
I wouldn't mind meeting Emma Peel. :P

Different Avengers. Plus her name is Emma FROST.


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::sneaks in, leaves an audio tape of Kobald Krump talking about female kobolds and how he grabs them by the cloaca::

We shall see who shall win the spin war Krump...WE...SHALL...SEE!

::loudly:: Hey, look an audio tape that has something to do with Kobald Krump, we should watch it over and over, and listen intently, woooo!


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::walking along, kissing babies, defending apple pie, making sure the corn is knee high by the 4th, etc::

I sure hope Kobald kept his cool today, I can't handle anymore drama and scandal, oh hey, a tape...

I'll just pop that into the VCR in my John Deer and have a look see...::watches tape::

::dials cellphone hurriedly:: Uh, yeah, Mr. Krump, I can't be your running mate anymore, because you literally are the worst...kobold...ever.

Pharasma help us all...I quit!

Maybe I can get a job with the corporate golem who is running against Krump, at least she can act like a reasonable adult and at least gives the semblance of sanity and has a mouth filter...I'ma gonna go to special hell for this, I know it.


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Maybe they had to close the office to synchronize with the Galaxy's rotation.


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Did someone say conspiracy?


{plonks +5 colander of conspiracy piercing on noggin} Mrmm... ohm, ohm, mmmm... Aha! The veils fall away, the truth becomes clear:

You can't spell "conspiracy" without 4/5s of Paizo.


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GM_Beernorg wrote:

::sneaks in, leaves an audio tape of Kobald Krump talking about female kobolds and how he grabs them by the cloaca::

We shall see who shall win the spin war Krump...WE...SHALL...SEE!

::loudly:: Hey, look an audio tape that has something to do with Kobald Krump, we should watch it over and over, and listen intently, woooo!

I was actually talking about, everyone knows this, I was talking about the Cloaca Dagger. A great submission to RPG Superstar, just great, I use it in all my games. #Sneaky Beernog is trying to distract from the real issues—I happen to know his mother, Player_Beernog, did some very bad things. Some very bad things! But I looked myself in the mirror and I said, "Kobald, you can't say those things about someone's mother. You can't accuse someone's human mother of sleeping with an orc," which she did, and it's disgusting, it's just disgusting. But I don't wanna talk about it.


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Governor Mite Pence wrote:

::walking along, kissing babies, defending apple pie, making sure the corn is knee high by the 4th, etc::

I sure hope Kobald kept his cool today, I can't handle anymore drama and scandal, oh hey, a tape...

I'll just pop that into the VCR in my John Deer and have a look see...::watches tape::

::dials cellphone hurriedly:: Uh, yeah, Mr. Krump, I can't be your running mate anymore, because you literally are the worst...kobold...ever.

Pharasma help us all...I quit!

Maybe I can get a job with the corporate golem who is running against Krump, at least she can act like a reasonable adult and at least gives the semblance of sanity and has a mouth filter...I'ma gonna go to special hell for this, I know it.

#Annoying Mite backs out of the race. Too scared to see it through! Always knew he was weak, had no stamina. Eats bugs, very gross. Whole establishment trying to shut us down - BAD!


Why was Paizo's office closed?

Answer: The work of and enemy stand user.


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I could tell you some things about #Nasty Anklebiter's whole family, for instance, Comrade Anklebiter—he's a socialist. A lot of people don't know that, that Comrade Anklebiter is extremely left-leaning, very extreme. My opponent, #Nasty Conservative Anklebiter, has a very, very left-leaning brother, and he's—who knows? Who knows? He won't release his paid speeches to the Thistletop goblins! Who knows? I don't know, maybe he was on Sandpoint's side the whole time. I'm not saying he is, I'm saying it's very, very possible.


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My friend, Nualia, a beautiful woman, definitely a 9 for humans, she's done some amazing things for the Thistletop goblins. She is a much stronger leader than any of my opponents! She is outsmarting Kooky Ambrosia Slaad, and the whole world is laughing at us.


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I never said Nualia was a good leader. Where did you read that? Where did you find this? I never said it. I don't know anything about Nualia. I mean, I know some things, but I don't understand them.


Kobald Krump wrote:
I could tell you some things about #Nasty Anklebiter's whole family, for instance, Comrade Anklebiter—he's a socialist. A lot of people don't know that, that Comrade Anklebiter is extremely left-leaning, very extreme. My opponent, #Nasty Conservative Anklebiter, has a very, very left-leaning brother, and he's—who knows? Who knows? He won't release his paid speeches to the Thistletop goblins! Who knows? I don't know, maybe he was on Sandpoint's side the whole time. I'm not saying he is, I'm saying it's very, very possible.

Kobold Krump, likes to Krump as you can tell. Unfortunately he sucks at it.


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My dancing is the best, I am a great—just an amazing dancer.


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Kobald Krump wrote:
I guarantee you there's no problem. There's no problem.

http://i.cubeupload.com/N4J761.jpg


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Well...we can cross off the orc vote now...son of a, I thought I quit this terrible job!

(heard from a TV behind Mite Pence)

Trump Casting Co. has the best, the best, lesser gease spells around, guaranteed to work on nasty types and running mates that question you. With Trump Casting Co. lesser gease spells we can make Taldor great again!

::Mite Pence hangs his head in shame:: I knew I should have asked if the VP position came with a gease spell...


Wait, isn't Grease one of the better low level spells to have?


Krump's Krooked Krew only casts the other Grease. Casting Ruddy Ghouliani as Rizzo really ruins it.

Edit: If someone wants to make an undead "Ruddy Ghouliani" parody alias, you're welcome to it.


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The musical Grease sucks anyway. It's not like it will drastically go up or down in quality anyway.


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I prefer Galavant for musicals.


Thomas Seitz wrote:
I prefer Galavant for musicals.

Now Gallivant, that is something I like.


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Honestly, the level of discourse here is just so PLEBIAN.

Regretfully knocks the ashes from his pipe into a crystal ashtray, which Captain Killjoy picks up and smashes immediately.

In my grandfather's time, candidates discussed issues, not personalities!

And all the smelly proles were too bored to vote! It was a vastly preferable situation!


Wilkins,

I think your goblin elections also involved fire right?

Conservative,

I figure you'd approve.


Thomas Seitz wrote:

Wilkins,

I think your goblin elections also involved fire right?

Punchably condescending smile

But of COURSE, my dear fellow, since most of those wonderful,issue-driven elections in times gone by were about what (or whom!) to set on fire next...


Thomas Seitz wrote:

Wilkins,

I think your goblin elections also involved fire right?

Conservative,

I figure you'd approve.

Pretty much. That, and what he said is through rose colored (don't think I'm saying this right) glasses. There has been plenty of discourse in American politics. Goblin politics as well.


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Is Donald Trump behind the conspiracy? Is he the Illuminati King? HOW FAR DOES THIS CONSPIRACY GO????


Farael the Fallen wrote:
Is Donald Trump behind the conspiracy? Is he the Illuminati King? HOW FAR DOES THIS CONSPIRACY GO????

You know it was funny until you showed up. thanks for ruining the joke.


I thought I ruined the joke...


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The #Biased Media, #Fallen Farael, #Ugly Thomas ruin all my jokes! I tell the greatest jokes—you can ask Conservative Anklebiter, nobody is calling Conservative Anklebiter, I told him, "Nobody tells jokes like I do," and many people agree with that! Every SINGLE online poll agrees: I am the best at jokes in this whole RIGGED election!


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Farael the Fallen wrote:
Is Donald Trump behind the conspiracy? Is he the Illuminati King? HOW FAR DOES THIS CONSPIRACY GO????

I am the greatest at the Illuminati. I have actually received their endorsement—they've never endorsed a candidate before, they endorsed me, I have so many endorsements from them.

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