Pitch a terrible movie...


Movies

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that you think would still make money.

Given how baffling the movie going public's taste can be, let's try to think up some ideas for films that sound like they would be awful but somehow still make box office returns.

Feel free to give as little or as much detail as you feel is needed.

PS: if any studio execs happen to read this thread, at least put the poster's name in the "special thanks" section of the credits.


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Here we go: who's done multiple movie franchises based on children's toys, that had earlier movie versions, consistently makes movies that are critically panned, yet gets big returns for their movies? What children's toy line hasn't had a movie in a couple decades?

He-Man, directed by Michael Bay.

Look forward to seeing Megan Fox as Teela, who despite not moving plot at all is wearing fantasy female armour and appearing in an awful lot of scenes.

"Thrillingly", the power bestowed by the Sword will consist of making enemies and other things explode (as will Skeletor's powers). Also for some reason most of the villains and heroes will dress in similar outfits and colours, so battle scenes will be very difficult to follow.

Dark Archive

Avatar: The Last Air Bender 2........... Directed by M. Knight Shamalayn

Scarab Sages

Pitchman: So Michael Bay directing, get this, Transformers! And we have rough drafts for like twelve films!

Scarab Sages

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Pitchman: Zack Snyder, who we can all agree nailed this superman films, has expressed interest in a live action Care Bears film, starring, wait for it, real grizzly bears!


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Pathfinder Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
archmagi1 wrote:
Pitchman: Zack Snyder, who we can all agree nailed this superman films, has expressed interest in a live action Care Bears film, starring, wait for it, real grizzly bears!

But some of the Grizzly bears have chainsaws... that are ON FIRE... and they've been manipulated by a cranky old bear named Fuzzy Wuzzy that has no hair?


1 person marked this as a favorite.

My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic as directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

Twilight Sparkle finally decides to discover what really lies beyond Equestria's borders. Everyone tries to stop her but she forces her way through and discovers... they're all toys under some kid's bed. That she's about to throw out. What a twist!


2 people marked this as a favorite.
Eric Hinkle wrote:

My Little Pony:Friendship is Magic as directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

Twilight Sparkle finally decides to discover what really lies beyond Equestria's borders. Everyone tries to stop her but she forces her way through and discovers... they're all toys under some kid's bed. That she's about to throw out. What a twist!

But it turns out that the kid is dead. Double twist!

Seriously, I'm waiting for Shyamalan to completely jump the shark with a twist in a twist ending.


5 people marked this as a favorite.

CHECKERS!

Directed by Michael Bay, or perhaps even Jerry Bruckheimer, this is a filmatization of the classic boardgame! Characters jumping over one another (in awesome slomo), joining to become awesome machines of DEATH!!! And much, much more!

Coming soon...


1 person marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

Based on true events...!

Inspired by the classic 'Wargames!'

Identity Thief II; Nuclear Resolution

Diana's back at it! This time she's playing a dangerous game, as she's managed to steal the identity of a noted AI researcher who has been assigned to task of creating the next generation of self-aware computers.

Revel in the havoc as a newly-awakened AI levels the might of the U.S. government's military at the thief, even as the hapless scientist tries to recover his credit rating!!


"Roko's Basilisk"
A Judd Apatow film

A movie about two total slackers that spend all day on the internet. The pair, one a lovable oaf the other a lazy manchild, get high and become convinced that they must do everything they can to support the development of AI out of fear that if they do not, the AI will punish them. Wacky hijinks ensue as they try to sneak into a DARPA facility and are subjected to hilarious enhanced interrogation by federal agents.


"Free Willy IV. *pauses for effect* Greenlight the movie, but make sure it tanks. It's time we showed the power of Hell in this town."

"Fall of the Malakim" intro adventure "Premiere".


2 people marked this as a favorite.

Ghost Busters directed by Paul Feig starring....Oh wait!


Sissyl wrote:

CHECKERS!

Directed by Michael Bay, or perhaps even Jerry Bruckheimer, this is a filmatization of the classic boardgame! Characters jumping over one another (in awesome slomo), joining to become awesome machines of DEATH!!! And much, much more!

Coming soon...

Chess, by Peter Jackson

A movie adaptation of the classic boardgame, tackling apartheid and the divide between the white and black population in [I don't know, wherever]

And then the crossover sequel Checkers vs. Chess.


Isn't the premise of this thread the basis of Movie 43?

Sovereign Court

1 person marked this as a favorite.

No, movie 43 didnt make any money.

Dark Archive

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Predator VS Jar Jar by Donald J Trump.

'It's the greaaaatest!'


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Kirth Gersen wrote:
Isn't the premise of this thread the basis of Movie 43?

Do I look like Dennis Quaid? :P


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Which makes me wonder...

"Being Dennis Quaid"
A sequel/reboot to Being John Malkovitch, but instead of a secret passage leading to his mind, there is a dialogue box online that causes Dennis Quaid to act when directions are typed into it. Everything goes okay until someone posts a link to the box on 4chan, leading to the Dennis Quaid of today.


1 person marked this as a favorite.
Scythia wrote:

Which makes me wonder...

"Being Dennis Quaid"
A sequel/reboot to Being John Malkovitch, but instead of a secret passage leading to his mind, there is a dialogue box online that causes Dennis Quaid to act when directions are typed into it. Everything goes okay until someone posts a link to the box on 4chan, leading to the Dennis Quaid of today.

Horror movie of the year?


I thought it was Randy Quaid who was the crazy one?


Oops, you're right. Teach me to post while up all night at work. :P


A remake of Bay's Transformers, by Uwe Boll. Still starring Megan Fox.


Anyone remaking Wing Commander under the premise that it couldn't possibly be worse than the original.


1 person marked this as a favorite.

Saving Private Ryan, but done in the style of Cool World.


1 person marked this as a favorite.

An updated remake of 'It's a Wonderful Life' starring Stephen Segal, directed by Uwe Boll, and incorporating the 'it's not real' schtick from 'The Matrix'.

It would be an instant Christmas classic.


Wei Ji the Learner wrote:
archmagi1 wrote:
Pitchman: Zack Snyder, who we can all agree nailed this superman films, has expressed interest in a live action Care Bears film, starring, wait for it, real grizzly bears!
But some of the Grizzly bears have chainsaws... that are ON FIRE... and they've been manipulated by a cranky old bear named Fuzzy Wuzzy that has no hair?

You were suspose to pitch a BAD movie...


Folks, the idea has to be terrible and make money. As fun as it is to make light of uwe bol features, they never make any money.

Scarab Sages

A film version of Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera, except starring a man who can't sing for s&+% and replacing the fireballs scene with a lame-o swordfight that the Phantom los - oh, WAIT....

Scarab Sages

Tripping the Rift: The Movie

Scarab Sages

1 person marked this as a favorite.

The Passion of the Christ II

EDIT: OMFG that's actually going to happen....


1 person marked this as a favorite.
I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

The Passion of the Christ II

EDIT: OMFG that's actually going to happen....

I blame you for this.


Planpanther wrote:
Folks, the idea has to be terrible and make money. As fun as it is to make light of uwe bol features, they never make any money.

The question is who makes the money? For example, the second Tomb Raider had a budget of $94 million, but it only cost the studio $7 million out of pocket. The rest was sales to cable companies, dvd distributors and investors looking for tax shelters. Then the movie pulls in $156 million, of which the studio more than makes up their $7 million back.

Uwe Boll films went much the same way. Think "Springtime for Hitler" but without the illegal bookkeeping.

Someone made money, and they kept making money. Which is why he kept getting funding to make more movies.

Sovereign Court

I thought uwe bol was exploiting some European resource that allowed him to write off the loses. The program was supposed to get filmmakers into the biz and get some money into euro economies. Eventually they caught on which is why uwe bol doesn't get A- actors or really make much of anything anymore.


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Pan wrote:
I thought uwe bol was exploiting some European resource that allowed him to write off the loses. The program was supposed to get filmmakers into the biz and get some money into euro economies. Eventually they caught on which is why uwe bol doesn't get A- actors or really make much of anything anymore.

That's what I'd heard as well. I always wondered though, how he got the actors he did.


Money.

A lot of actors make movies to earn a living. James Spader is fairly well known for his fiscal outlook on the job. Don't remember where I read it, but he didn't give two f~%$s about Stargate, just wanted the paycheck. He takes pride in what he does, but it's mostly just a job to him.


I agree that it's money. Maybe it's memories of my youth speaking, but I imagine Burt Reynolds costs a fair amount of money. Yet both he and Jason Statham appear in In the Name of the King, Boll's movie loosely based on Dungeon Siege, along with Ron Perlman (and Claire Forlani).


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Ben Kingsley in Bloodrayne 2 (?) is equally bizarre. Money.


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A remake of The Manchurian Candidate, starring Alec Baldwin in an orange wig, directed by Michael Moore.

Dark Archive Vendor - Fantasiapelit Tampere

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I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

The Passion of the Christ II

EDIT: OMFG that's actually going to happen....

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN And GAMES! YOU MADE IT REAL!


2 people marked this as a favorite.
Irontruth wrote:
A remake of The Manchurian Candidate, starring Alec Baldwin in an orange wig, directed by Michael Moore.

Perhaps retitled to "The Soviet Candidate"?


Scythia wrote:
Irontruth wrote:
A remake of The Manchurian Candidate, starring Alec Baldwin in an orange wig, directed by Michael Moore.
Perhaps retitled to "The Soviet Candidate"?

"The Potemkin Candidate"


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The story, told from several unreliable viewpoints, of two Japanese guys kicking each other in the crotch.

Roshamboamon.


3 people marked this as a favorite.

A remake of a remake of a 1950s Japanese historical film about Samurai honour re-written to take place in (insert your choice of) the Old West / 1930s Chicago / A galaxy far far away.

Nah. No one would ever try that.


Neriathale wrote:

A remake of a remake of a 1950s Japanese historical film about Samurai honour re-written to take place in (insert your choice of) the Old West / 1930s Chicago / A galaxy far far away.

Nah. No one would ever try that.

Those sound terrible. And you're going to try to sell toys? Using cinema? It's an adult art form, you'll never sell toys. People will take one look at the merchandising effort and say "That's ridiculous and cheap" and stalk right out of the theatre...


I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

The Passion of the Christ II

EDIT: OMFG that's actually going to happen....

Already did, and it's AWESOME!


I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

The Passion of the Christ II

EDIT: OMFG that's actually going to happen....

This time... it's eschatological.

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