Favorite Quotes Of Your PCs

[Third Mind]

Hello all. It's entirely possible a thread like this has been made before, but in an attempt not to turn to necromancy and thus evil, I've decided to create this this one here. Anyways, the idea here is quite simple, but something that I believe could be quite entertaining and fun. I'd like to see some of your favorite quotes from your PCs.

Here are a few of my own, that I recall currently at least.

"Huh? Oh, I was just talking to myselves."

Context:

Insane character asked who he was talking to.

"Boop!"

Context:

Teleported in and one shotting a BBEG with a gun.

"I'm a reasonable person. I do reasonable things for reasonable reasons. But you? Everything you've done up to this point, has gradually made me unreasonable; irrational even. So, I think it's time to get a little crazy, don't you?"

Context:

One I intend to use in the future as a sort of threat.

"Why Kalden, you're simply glowing."

Context:

Our party monk put on a magical mask that glowed when he donned it.

Anyways, those are some of them. I may remember more in the future. Note that some stuff might (or might not) be re-purposed/reused/reconfigured for my or other people's games... but what's a bit of sharing between creative types? So what do ya got?

[knightnday]

"What else could go wrong?"

Said after missing on a teleport and arriving on the roof of the Temple of Chaos instead of at the door. The two acolytes on the roof dove off just before lightning hit and the roof collapsed. The God of Chaos thought it was funny, anyway. :)

[The Shifty Mongoose]

I have a few. I'll put the context first, if you want to read it before the thing it explains.

Context, Good Human Witch:

The thief we were trying to bargain with had just said he preferred to call it "Ensuring People Get What They Know How To Use". My witch was trying to be polite.

"Of course! You can do anything you want if you call it something different."

Context 2: Later On In The Scenario:

Approaching the same thief again, with intent to arrest him. He said to us, "So, no honour among thieves, is there?"

"Well, I'm calling it Ad-Hoc Re-Justicing, you lackwit!"

Context,Dwarf Knight w/House Rule:

My cavalier who got a bear instead of a horse explained his difficulty in training with humans, and his vow to never ride on an animal

"They said a knight must learn to ride a horse. So I told them to find the biggest, strongest horse they could, and Konos would fight them. Since then, Konos & I have learned to change our tactics. I'm still never getting on the back of anyone."

More Context:

Later on, a young black dragon demanded to be carried around in exchange for safe passage. This just re-affirmed my dwarf's decision.

Context, Evil Elf Witch in 3P AP:

My evil witch had been captured by the Inquisition of the church of Mitra, and had just been sprung by her thoroughly unsympathetic associates.

"My time there had reminded me of something. I hate you, I hate myself, but most of all, I hate Mitrianity! So let's go ruin it some more!"

[Quentin Coldwater]

I was playing my Treesinger Druid, near the end of playing The Harrowing. We were all playing along with the whimsical NPCs found in the module, but at some point we had to let off steam. We encountered some enemies that weren't immediately threatening us, we all looked at each other, nodded at each other, then blasted them absolutely to hell. No surrender accepted. Felt cathartic as hell. We used things like Flame Strike, Black Tentacles, Fireball, and something else to nuke the entire place to bits.
At the end of combat, I picked up one of the bodies while in Shambling Mound form, then I decided to use my constrict ability to "squeeze the body until its eyes pop out." To the others players, I said, "I'm not evil, just spiteful." Man, we've all had it with these stupid whimsical fairytale creatures, and we really needed to let off some steam.

[RealAlchemy]

A gnome summoner, after using a breath of life scroll to bring back the enemy the party just killed and having his eidelon sit on the guy to make sure he wasn't going anywhere.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me the first time. We are looking for [redacted.] Are you going to give us the information, or will things become more unpleasant than they already are?"

[Jack of Dust]

"Can I eat your vomit?"

Context:

We had just finished a fight where a Planetar we allied with got nauseated. The Paladin in our party was hurt and completely out of lay on hands or any other healing. He asked the Planetar if he could eat the vomit in hopes that the GM would show mercy and have the divine vomit actually heal him. Incidentally, I went to the bathroom when this happened so that quote is what I came back to.

[Squeakmaan]

My old group kept a book of these, we had some great ones in there.

"What happened to being greedy and evil but loyal?"
"I lied, I'm also a liar."

Was one of my favorites.

[Anarchy_Kanya]

"The bigger they are the more fun it is to stomp them."

[chbgraphicarts]

"You are a horrible person!"
"You think me's people! I LOVE YOU!"

['Sani]

Some background, my character was wearing a Goz Mask over her face/head, over which were worn some Goggles of Night, so her head was completely covered in a dark, foreboding appearance. And the party had made a deal with a dragon for safe passage through his part of the dungeon, as long as we brought him some trinket from deeper inside. Problem was, the trinket turned out to be the MacGuffin we had come to the dungeon to find.

Upon moving back through the dragons part of the dungeon on the way to the exit, he asked for his trinket. And we said we were keeping it. Which led to the dragon growling out, "We had a deal."

And behind her dark mask, my PC said, "I am altering the deal, pray I do not alter it any further."

[VargrBoartusk]

Due to the nature of the paizo boards most of my best quotes would turn into an unreadable string of shift+numbers...

[quibblemuch]

I've crunched the numbers. There's only a 98% chance of failure. Let's go.

[HyperMissingno]

"Can you at least not set the demon skulls on fire? That's excessive."

Context:

They came to us but our neutral party who has an edgelord and a freaky dwarf wanted to use the skulls of Baubau demons as decorations with continual flame.

[SilvercatMoonpaw]

old woman who's just come up to my character: "Madame, you are a friend to that paladin who saved that girl last night yes? You must hurry, your friend is in terrible danger."
my character: "My favorite kind!"

later, once we reach the friend in question and he seems to be handling it: "We were sent here to make sure you were safe. I'd be perfectly happy to save you at a later time...."

context:

we arrive at a wizard's tower to investigate him for strange goings-on:

"HALT! KNOW THAT YOU STAND IN THE LAIR OF THE GREAT AND POWERFUL NESTIR. Unfortunately I am not in at the moment, I have been called out of town on important business. Please call again at a later date. Thank you for your consideration."
my character: "A bombastic one, isn't he? He shall be no match for us!"

context:

my character, while someone else is talking to an elemental in a language my character does not understand:

"Are we doing well? We haven't been attacked: I'm told that's a good sign."

context:

we finally reach the "great beast" we are investigating the wizard for and my character has been ranting about slaying:
.....does not react to your presence at all, sitting there chewing on a rubber squeaky toy like an oversized dog.

.....when Wampa sees you have his bowl, he gets up, toddles over, snatches the bowl away, and begins slurping down the stew. ]

"Know, great beast, that you have been spared this day by your complete and utter patheticness."

no context needed:
"Yes: genies are quite tricky, even the good ones. Never give the a vaguely worded suggestion such as 'Show me what you do for fun around here'.
"I mean it was fun, but the dragon costumes were a bit much."

after a long day of investigating and not fighting anyone:
"Finally, a battle! I was almost despairing there wouldn't be any opportunities for glory today."

context:

My character is a gnoll, though one who has been raised in Nirvana so she's only recently been encountering prejudice in the mortal world.

Then this:
Penelope looks up at you. "PUPPY!"

She immediately rushes and hugs your leg. "I'm gonna love you forever."

"I have never encountered this reaction...."

context:

Character was raised on the Good planes, so has no idea how the mortal world works. Investigating a serial killer who got hanged:

"Did he ever claim he would 'show them all'? Tales I heard in the Good planes say that those types of mortals are the hardest to keep dead...."

[Dave Justus]

"He's alive because he is not moving"

context::

This was a Rifts pirate game, my friend was playing a sea titan who didn't need to breathe and so had hung himself from a yard-arm to sleep. My character was a necromancer, and used his animate dead power, which of course failed since he was still alive

[Shiroi]

"Not him, ignore the thrall you fool. If you don't address me properly I'll feel your flesh part!"

Spoiler:

A kensai blade bound magus' sword, who had an ego score *well* beyond the will save of most characters, who had taken over as the near-exclusive personality of the duo. He was quite annoyed by people talking to the magus, whom he viewed as a largely unimportant travel convenience.

[DeathMvp]

Spoiler:

Player saying they are staying out side when the rest when the party when in side the cave to fight the Baddie. Then after they fight starts yell "I jump out and stab it in the Neck". When asked how can he do that he said

"Well I could not tell you or the Monster would have know I was sneaking in"

Yes this was the first time I was teaching my dad to play when I was 15.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

Read the previous page to get the context for this.

[RDM42]

"You may not approve of what I say, but I will fight to the death for my right to say to you

[Cuthel]

Give me a torch I want to see whats in these barrels
We had just raided a pirate base and found a bunch of barrels in an underground bunker. Need I say more.

[mourge40k]

"I FINALLY HAVE FRIENDS!" - The Witch from my Carrion Crown Group after learning Animate Dead

"Noooooo! My Friends!" - The same Witch upon meeting the Party's Life Oracle

"Greetings and salutations, your majesty. Excuse us a moment. We're trying to be professionals." - Introductions to Queen Ileosa just before the party starts loudly arguing IC among themselves about the proper way to speak to a queen.

"STAND STILL AND FIGHT ME LIKE A MAN!" - The Orc Barbarian to a female Witch who was using hit and run tactics to great effect.

[GM 1990]

"Its a little too lifeless for us. Reminds me of a desert, but a lot wetter."

Context:

Druid when asked what he and his wolf companion thought of their first time out on the open ocean.

"Wait...so your name is "Goody Two Shoes"?
"Ya, but its not spelled like it sounds, that would be lame."

Context:

The player of our first Paladin back in 1E days, the bliss of being young.

"I blasted it for 5 minutes, and nothing. Lets see if this demon SOB can take 30."

Context:

Eric "the meat", regarding the amount of time his d20 had spent in the microwave attempting to destroy it after one too many strings of poor rolls.

[DungeonmasterCal]

Not one of my PCs, but this happened in a d20 Call of Cthulhu game set in WWII. The PCs were the last survivors of the crew of a freighter in the Atlantic where the crew had been picked off one by one by pulsating alien "thing". It had us cornered against the rail of the bow, we were out ammo, and were just about to try to rush past it to make it to a lifeboat when a German U-Boat surfaced. My friend Dave shouts, "It's the Nazis! We're saved!".

[ccs]

Frank the Mage: "If you don't kill me now, I'll burn your children!"

Context: Frank the Mage completely fumbles an attempt to intimidate a mob of already angry orc women by threatening their young.
It goes poorly for Frank.

[Davor]

"Remember that scene from LOTR, where Arwen summons up that river of horses? It's like that, but with Danny Devito instead of horses."

[MuertoXSky]

The fighter and the Druid stand in front of every noble f the kingdom and the fighter shouts:

"Ok, who is the traitor around here".

Druid´s perception and Sense motive, natural 20 plus a lot.

"Nice, i guess we have a winner".

Follow him at night, discover evil rite in his house. Mistery solved in 15 minutes.

"That is what I call efficiency".

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

My Bard is at an aristocratic dinner party. None of the other PCs are in their element, but he has at least tried to bone up on what one is supposed to know for these events. The Brawler timidly asks which fork is for the salad. My Bard helpfully explains.

[voska66]

Had bard our group say "I wear chain-mail and carry a footman's fail, because it rhymes."

Another classic was the rogue in the party. "You never asked"

He always had the solution for everything. He was always picking pockets and the GM was note passer. So we never knew what the rogue had. Then between adventures the rogue offer to sell a scarab of golem bane to the fighter and he has 4 them. We just went through a meat grinder of dungeon with nothing but golems. So we are all like "Why didn't you tell us you had these." his response was "you never asked". He also didn't use them himself, though of them as nice trinkets he said. This was regular with him.

[Ana L'ayley]

"Don't worry, guys. I got this." - last words of Kayly the sorceress.

[captain yesterday]

We have a Diviner in the party, so every time he introduces himself as such, everyone is all "so, what, you find water then?" Or when he goes to cast his spell, someone inevitably says " don't you need a stick for that or something".

It never gets old.

[DungeonmasterCal]

A Paladin I was playing a few years back was killed in combat by some sort of primate. I remember saying "My brains were just eaten by monkeys. I hope they enjoyed the meager snack that made me think coming on this adventure was a good idea."

[Saldiven]

"I got this."

Our party Gestalt Sorcerer/Barbarian playing in the original "Against the Giants" that I tweaked for Pathfinder about 5 years ago. This was said right before two Frost Giants swung with their axes, both had critical hits, and after all was said and done, the character was reduced to -70 hit points.

[Ravingdork]

Good job guys. Real good. Wait till you hear what I did today. :

Link to original story.

The derro have come for me! :

My character heard that there were derro in the sewers of the city and that they were responsible for a recent string of kidnappings. Knowing little to nothing about derro, the party had no means of countering their darkness spells. My character was the only survivor to have (barely) escaped that damnable tunnel maze--never having actually seen what a derro even looked like.

Years later on a wholly unrelated mission against unrelated foes, the (newish) party was once again trounced by the enemy. My character, having happened upon the bodies of her comrades near the end of the battle, only ever saw a roiling globe of darkness (a tiefling this time). My character shouted "The derro have come for me!" and fled, only to be knifed in the back.

I hope I didn't brain my damage. :

A player immediately after coming to, having been knocked out by another player's cudgel. (The player, not his character.) The latter had been doing a Kata, and the former walked up behind him only to take a nasty back swing to the temple.

[Cole Deschain]

"Johnny, fetch my crack-pipe, it's gonna be a loooooooong night."

Spoiler:

Wizard speaking to his apprentice/cohort/whipping boy/on-deck replacement PC if things go south prior to beginning a series of Knowledge checks which, for flavor, we ruled involved actually reading up on in the library we had just occupied.

"Heh heh. Boom."

Spoiler:

Last words of an alchemist who critically fumbled chucking a bomb.

"All right. First, we're gonna kill these <redacted>. Then I'm going to wash their <redacted> guts off of my <redacted> face, and then, THEN we're all going to have a <redacted> drink, 'cause I just found out, I'm getting <redacted> married next week!"

Spoiler:

A rather excitable (and excited) Erastilian ranger breaking the news of her (welcome and anticipated) betrothal to the rest of the party immediately after an ogre attack on their settlement.

"So we take them down there, let them resolve the situation, and THEN kill them?"

Spoiler:

My friend Mike, in an old World of Darkness game,speaking into a radio directly in front of three not-completely-secured prisoners. They ran, the woman in the front of the group got vaporized by our .50-cal gun on sentry duty, and we made Mike's character watch the footage of this person's gruesome death every day for a month.

"Please? If I screw up one more time, they're going to kill me!"

Spoiler:

Mike again, same campaign, shamelessly begging a vampire for vitae we needed for a ritual that we only had to do because he spooked the prisoners, who would otherwise have resolved the situation. She thought he meant we would literally kill him (which should tell you something about how we'd interacted with the community up to that point) and came up with with the blood.

"When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."

Spoiler:

My telepath, conversing with fellow junior Inquisitors in a Dark Heresy game.

"Perfectly safe!"

Spoiler:

Last words of my rogue, whose Perception check looking for traps wasn't as high as it probably should have been...

[galahad2112]

After a particularly vicious battle, Cleric asks "Do you need healing?"
Wizard (confused) replies "Why would I need healing? Taking hit point damage? That's for suckers!"

[lucky7]

"I am not grave robber. I prefer term 'Adventure Capitalist.'"

[GM_Beernorg]

"I introduced myself as Lemmy "the Weasel" Torbin, how in the hell could you possibly think I WOULDN'T steal from you, from her, or from anyone else!"

[Anarchy_Kanya]

"I don't think there's anything wrong with inserting yourself into the story." - the Bard GMPC, in-character.

[Tidalblade]

We were playing Rise of the Runelords and one of the PCs as a ratfolk alchemist with social issues, so he tended to seek out dark, dank places to hang out. We got to the point where Shayliss Vinder seeks out the party Paladin, Charles, and asks for his help because, "she saw a rat the size of a goblin hiding behind a barrel at the far end of the basement." Poor, gullible Charles does not Sense Motive, and gleefully runs to find this rat. Shayliss disrobes and jumps on him, pushes him down on a convenient cot while he is protesting about trying to find the rat and being oblivious as to what she intends, and the ratfolk calmly steps out from behind the crates and scampers up the stairs.

Now, every time we go to a new building and get a description of the basement, someone in the group is sure to utter, "There is a rat the size of a goblin in the basement. It seems to have been squatting here for weeks."

[ThePirateQueen]

"We should take them outside. We would not want to dishonor this temple by shedding blood within its walls."

(long pause)

(literally the least apologetic tone you can imagine) "...Oops."

Full story:

Having been ambushed in a monastery for seemingly no reason, our party captured the ninjas who attacked us and tried to interrogate them to find out why. Sadly, the ninjas were less than forthcoming, much to the frustration of my sarcastic, thrillseeking slayer, who suggested we kill one in an effort to intimidate the others. The zen archer raised the above objection, not noticing that she had already offed one of them during the combat. Her apology was...less than sincere.

[Kryptik]

BBEG: Hahaha...I know all about your plans. Before long you will...

Barbarian: Ha! Now I know you're lying. We never have a plan.

[Shiroi]

"Duck for shrapnel!"

Spoiler:

Ghibli, Gnomish Alchemist as a crypt opens nearby. An explosive bomb dealing 5d6+11 went into the stone enclosure, squarely into the ribcage of skeleton. Shortly afterwards, the lid was found lying tilted against a wall twenty feet away and the sides sported gnarly cracks. It was the highlight of the session for Ghibli, as I happened to be standing at the time and turned away from the party, dropped to one knee, and adjusted my jacket to shield myself from the blast.

[Xenok]

"But he only rolls threes, so let's go the other way."

Context:

The party had just come to a fork in the dungeon, and the dwarf rogue (who consistently rolls poorly) suggested that they go to the left. Everyone agreed with him until the nagaji bloodrager said the above comment.

[knightnday]

My wife: "Are you done talking to him?"
Me: "Um .. why?"
My wife" "Because he's a jerk, arrogant, and he's dripping mud onto the bed sheets." <<Excessive damage followed>>

Context:

An evil bad guy was floating above our bed monologuing and my wife, often called the Demon Queen, was annoyed about being woken up. I managed to get out of the bed before the fires consumed it and a large portion of the room.

[Fourshadow]

Xenok wrote:

"But he only rolls threes, so let's go the other way."

** spoiler omitted **

I GMed this very episode. It is true. He consistently rolled single digits and far too many of them were 3s. Fortunately for him, the inquistor healed him every time.

Including the time that "Curiosity kills". We still talk about that adventure even though it was nearly a year ago.

[Goth Guru]

Spiny the gnome was forced to grow up in the streets of a human city. He tolerated the human members of the parties. He was a living Greyhawk, Keoland character. He was a fighter hearing spiked armor. One time we were chasing a human criminal through a swamp or forest or something. The crook sought refuge with some elves. Now the quote...
"You're not going to trust a human are you?"

The elves made a big show of their system of justice, and sent him back with us to be probably executed.

[Bjørn Røyrvik]

"He's willing now."
Said when we wanted to teleport a baddie away. My character one-handedly slammed him against the wall into unconsciousness.
Cue lots of jokes about the nature of 'willing' subjects in D&D.

"We need an idiot to go push the self-destruct button."
"Oooh! Oooh! Me! Pick me!"
This character was inordinately fond of big shiny things, like the (supposed) self-destruct button.

[Derek Dalton]

Playing in Rifts myself. Had a Cyberknight character facing a four armed giant. The giant in question that had the ability to grapple anyone who missed hitting him. My guy being the melee specialist got grappled. So the rest of the party starts trying to shoot the guy. The giant starts using me as a shield. Take make matters worse the giant is also beating me. Hence the term. "Put out the cyberknight. Put out the cyberknight." Wasn't amused with party afterwards.

[Orthos]

From a one-shot the other night: we'd gotten two artifact scrolls. My warlord's was associated with Creation and Healing, while her Warmage partner's was associated with Destruction and Chaos.

Predictably, this party had no other way but the Destruction scroll to deal with swarms. So when the warpriest got attacked by an army ant swarm, her immediate response was to tell the scroll, "I really need to be on fire right now!"

It complied. She survived. Barely.

[Qakisst Vishtani]

About a month ago we're slugging our way through Hook Mountain Massacre and my Ifrit sorcerer/oracle gets hit with baleful polymorph. I miss the fort save but make the will save, so now I'm playing a fire flinging bunny. Our party paladin, upon seeing this happen doesn't challenge the caster that just did this to me, no. She squeals in delight, yells out, "Bunny!!!" and rushes over to pick me up and hug me. The fight is still going on around us and our idyllkin aasimar is more excited about having a new pet.

If they hadn't needed me for the next fight I think they would have kept me as a bunny. I know our paladin wanted too.