One man paladin party and his unknown lazy entourage


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First things first, I need to give credit where credit is due. Thank you johnnythexxxiv for writing your support from a mile away guide, and also thanks to RumpinRufus for writing your Stay-At-Home Wizard idea.

But onto the idea!

First know that there are some pretty questionable rules interpretations, particularly with each of the spellcasters. Also the "party" is definitely not optimized. Also you are required to be a fairly significant level (probably at least 10) with a good amount of wealth to blow on magic gear. But nobody really cares because the idea is actually viable which is hilarious.

Between these two threads and some brainstorming with my roommates, I have developed quite possibly the most entertaining party idea I have ever had. What is this idea you might ask? The one-man paladin party.

Well, as far as the paladin knows anyways.

There are four members who make up this hilarious party.

Albert Pointyhat:
First and foremost, the one who coordinates everybody, Albert Pointyhat. Albert wants to make all the money that an adventurer does, but who wants the danger that comes with that? Instead he coordinates a team from his own home. Albert is a beast bonded witch with some fun items that include: cat's eye crown, glove of familiar's touch, and a permanent telepathic bond. With these items he can, as RumpinRufus put it, "Perform all manner of murderation and murder-facilitation from the comforts of his own kitchen, in his pajamas, while his* tea is steeping." All of this is performed through his familiar, preferably one which can be rebuilt or regenerates, such as: arbiter inevitable, augur kyton, or a nycar. This familiar gains reach to better deliver touch spells, and since the familiar gains feats, it will also acquire its own animal companion. Somebody to accompany Richard, who we will get to later.

*Actually it's Lazybones Mcgee's tea, keep reading!

Lazybones Mcgee:
Next up in this lineup is Lazybones Mcgee. I could attempt to do this one justice, but I believe johnnythexxxiv has got it all covered, so you can either follow the link there or you can read my quote from his below! Lazybones Mcgee is simply too damned lazy to get up and go anywhere to earn his money or stop cooking, so he does it all from the comfort of Albert's home.

johnnythexxxiv wrote:

The idea behind this build is simple, never ever get into the thick of things alongside your allies, instead, you support them from the comfort of your home. By utilizing massive range buffs, scrying, distance healing and tactical maneuvering, you can safely have a significant effect on the battlefield or social encounters from a literal mile away.

Lazybones McGee
Human Geisha Bard 1/Oracle (Life) 1/Hedge Scarred Witch Doctor (Deception) 10/Oracle +3/Verminous Hunter (Worm) 1/Witch +4

Progression:
1 Extra Performance, Extra Performance, Tea Ceremony
2 Life Link
3 Racial Heritage (Orc)
4 Healing Hex
5 Extra Hex (Scar Hex)
6 Spontaneous Healing
7 Toughness
8 Fortune Hex
9 Extra Hex (Ward Hex)
10 Empathic Healing
11 Endurance
12 Waxen Image
13 Spell Hex (Hex Vulnerability)
14 Healing Hands
15 Diehard
16 Fast Healing 1
17 Fast Healer
18 Major Healing Hex
19 Healer's Touch
20 Witch's Charge Hex

So, what does Lazybones McGee get up to? Well, he uses some heavy rules exploits and questionable readings to allow him to inspire greatness in his allies at level 1 from literally anywhere in the multiverse by hosting a tea party that no one else actually attends since Tea Ceremony doesn't actually say that the allies have to drink the tea or witness the setup to receive its benefits. 2 d10 hit dice should be enough of a boost to carry his allies through to second level where he can begin to heal them while staying at medium range, which keeps him well out of most combats. 5th level lets him heal allies from up to a mile away and 11th level lets him teleport over to his allies while invisible so that he can steal their poisons and diseases to have them effect him instead without most enemies realizing what happened. 12th level lets him move his allies around the field on his turn to set them up into better tactical positioning, 13th level lets him spam healing hex while 17th level makes sure he doesn't die from his life link with the other party members.

Basically Lazybones stays as far away from his allies as he can and uses scrying effects to keep tabs on them to see how they're doing (now covered by Albert the witch). If their about to go exploring he'll throw them a tea party and then keep them healthy with hexes. If things start to go sour, he'll go invisible, teleport nearby and then give them buffs and emergency healing and might tag along for a while to heal them up with life links before teleporting back to safety. If done correctly, the party may never know what Lazybones actually is, since he should be invisible always from 6th level onwards and there is technically no reason for Lazybones to ever reveal the fact that he even exists.

Gunner 'Couch Potato' Compensatingforsomething:
Gunner was once an adventurer (a gunslinger in particular (supplement with ranger if you don't like firearms)), until he took a arrow to the knee (sue me). Anyways, since his injury all he does is sit around with his good friend Lazybones and try out his new recipes and monumental amount of tea. Because of this he has become immensely obese and spends his time sitting on the couch. But in front of this couch is one ring in a pair, in particular a pair of ring gates. He sits there all day eating and waiting for something to pop up on his wall-mounted ring, where he promptly shoots any evil creature that dares to show itself through the portal! Then he chuckles and reloads, waiting for the next stupid monster to get into his field of view. But how does this ring get around do you ask?..

Richard 'Lawful Stupid' the Blessed:
Richard here is a pretty staple sword-and-board hard-to-kill paladin. Richard is the absolute worst best kind of paladin. The kind of guy who simply is too stupid to see reason too honorable and noble to give into the temptation of evil. Even when it's not actually evil it's in its smallest forms. But for some reason all of his adventuring parties kept realizing what a moron he was leaving him, so he had a dilemma. He had to continue the crusade against evil, but nobody would work with him!But all of his troubles were solved when he found a new shield one day...

This shield isn't any ordinary shield. This shield was accompanied by a [insert Albert's familiar] and a [insert Albert's familiar's animal companion]! And the strangest thing was that the shield has this absolutely immense ring placed on the front of it! Now looking into the ring showed nothing but swirling energy, but the portal in his shield gave him whatever he needed! Money, food, and when he pointed it at enemies, bullets flew out! Not to mention that [Albert's familar] and [Albert's familar's animal companion] seemed deathly loyal to him now, like they must sense how honorable he is and how noble his crusade against evil was! With the aid of this clearly divine shield gifted to him from his god, he now has the power to set out on his own and vanquish evil, no party needed!

And that is how you run the "One man paladin party and his unknown lazy entourage". The roleplaying of such a group would be fantastic, and although it's not optimized by any means it would actually function! I welcome all questions/ideas/critiques/etc., and I hope to get this idea further developed in the future!

Grand Lodge

Pathfinder Starfinder Maps Subscriber

I think that this would make a hilarious short story, actually. I wouldn't want to do this with a long-running game (I like to interact socially with NPCs) but it could be fun to do with a PFS scenario or short pathfinder module.

I love the creativity you exhibited here!

Hmm

PS I dibs the bard!

PPS I think this would be hilarious to play in Play by Post, where you spend a lot of time roleplaying and really get into the characters thoughts and feelings.


Thanks Hmm! And I totally agree. A long-term game would have to be...very creatively made to compensate for such a weird party, but it would be a fun idea to run every once in a while when you can't get the entire party to show up for game night.

Ah, I see you gleam the greatness of this concept. The mechanics are hilarious, yes, but the roleplaying would be the real gem here. The paladin believes that he's so blessed the gods just provide him with everything he needs (when he's hungry he just turns the ring upside down over a plate and waits while Lazybones makes some food), and the rest of the party sit around laughing at the whole situation and/or bickering like college roommates.


This is the most amazing and hilarious thing I have ever seen!!!

Totally sending this guy against my PC's!

Thank You!!!


Mind if I make someone for this?


This is hilarious! Great post!
I gotta say, I love the characters description!


SyrioForel wrote:

This is the most amazing and hilarious thing I have ever seen!!!

Totally sending this guy against my PC's!

Thank You!!!

It's my pleasure, I'm glad you enjoyed it! For a properly evil counterpart to send against a normal adventuring party, perhaps a chaotic stupid antipaladin?

Artifix wrote:
Mind if I make someone for this?

Please do! This idea was just thrown together in a few days and isn't a polished piece of work by any means, any ideas are absolutely welcome.

Letric wrote:

This is hilarious! Great post!

I gotta say, I love the characters description!

Thanks, glad you appreciate it!


SyrioForel wrote:

This is the most amazing and hilarious thing I have ever seen!!!

Totally sending this guy against my PC's!

Thank You!!!

You could reasonably swap out Richard 'Lawful Stupid' the Blessed with Dick 'Chaotic Stupid' the Fiendish if you wanted to send this at a good-aligned party.

Anyways, this is amazing and you are amazing for putting it together, OP.


Arachnofiend wrote:
SyrioForel wrote:

This is the most amazing and hilarious thing I have ever seen!!!

Totally sending this guy against my PC's!

Thank You!!!

You could reasonably swap out Richard 'Lawful Stupid' the Blessed with Dick 'Chaotic Stupid' the Fiendish if you wanted to send this at a good-aligned party.

Anyways, this is amazing and you are amazing for putting it together, OP.

Great minds think alike! I gotta say, having the first name be Dick is genius.

Thanks!

Grand Lodge

Pathfinder Starfinder Maps Subscriber

Though if I were writing this as a story, I'd make something happen to the paladin so that the support crew would have to get off their asses and actually get in the thick of things at least once. It would be epic.


Hmm wrote:
Though if I were writing this as a story, I'd make something happen to the paladin so that the support crew would have to get off their asses and actually get in the thick of things at least once. It would be epic.

I always though the climactic end-game battle would be the three other party members being discovered and the paladin has to go rescue them. All sorts of interesting ideas...


CampinCarl9127 wrote:
SyrioForel wrote:

This is the most amazing and hilarious thing I have ever seen!!!

Totally sending this guy against my PC's!

Thank You!!!

It's my pleasure, I'm glad you enjoyed it! For a properly evil counterpart to send against a normal adventuring party, perhaps a chaotic stupid antipaladin?

Artifix wrote:
Mind if I make someone for this?

Please do! This idea was just thrown together in a few days and isn't a polished piece of work by any means, any ideas are absolutely welcome.

Letric wrote:

This is hilarious! Great post!

I gotta say, I love the characters description!
Thanks, glad you appreciate it!

YAY, thank you. What level should I make him/her/it at.


Artifix wrote:
YAY, thank you. What level should I make him/her/it at.

No problem! Well I don't really have a solid level for this party, but due to the abilities and wealth required I would imagine they would have to be at least around level 10 or so. And that's with blowing most of their wealth on the required gear to make this party function. So minimum would be around 10, but you can basically go up to anything if you want, because we're just theory-crafting!

Edit: Lazybones Mcgee has the most developed stat block and a clearly defined role at each level, so he would probably be a good gauge to look at.


Queue maniacal laughter. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Grand Lodge

Pathfinder Starfinder Maps Subscriber

Is there any Pathfinder spell or item that would allow a Magnificent Mansion or other Portable abode that can travel from place to place?


You could use Create Greater Demiplane to create a demiplane with a permanent portal, which you place inside a portable hole or bag of holding.


Hmm wrote:
Is there any Pathfinder spell or item that would allow a Magnificent Mansion or other Portable abode that can travel from place to place?

Actually yes, one is a wondrous item but it has to turn back into a cube to move. However a better way is to cast Mage's Private Sanctum On something like shield or something. Then cast permanency on it and bam you have a easily transportable home.


.


Hex Vulnerability got hit by the errata bat on 7/22/2015:

Quote:

Page 184——In Hex Vulnerability, in the first sentence of

the description, add "harmful" before "hexes".

becoming:

Quote:
The targeted creature becomes susceptible to a repeat use of your harmful hexes, even if you could not otherwise target that creature with a particular hex for a certain time period....

Still, I love the concept.

/cevah


Also, Scarred Witch Doctor got Errata'd after the Support From a Mile Away guide was written, so that it now casts off Intelligence instead of Constitution, so it doesn't help as much as you think. Still, the new Fierce Intelligence that makes all class abilities function as if Intelligence was 2 points higher works on Half-Orcs, who can put their floating +2 on Intelligence as well, to become truly overpowered (did the people making this Errata forget that this +2 can go anywhere?), and this character is mainly sitting around, and thus can afford to pump Constitution anyway.


So for this party do you want a giant pseudo demon cat who devours everything or for a little tiny bug that runs around while bombs rain down from the sky.


Ah, this idea us hilarious. I agree that it's be a bit tough to run long term since the paladin would have the final say on all their npc interaction (I suppose Albert could just shoot everyone through the shield, but you can hardly do that every time). Still, this would be a fun little 2-3 session campaign, maybe starting from around level 10. I can totally see the three of them making bets on fights between Richard and whatever creatures he comes across.


Don't forget that the familiar is telepathically bonded to Albert and you can easily pick a familiar who has the ability to speak!


True, but this guy's lawful stupid, and I wouldn't take advice from any if the familiars you outlined except maybe a silvanshee. I probably wouldn't take a familiars advice anyway, no matter how good aligned it looked. This paladins lawful good (The idiocy is implied), so he'd just as soon smite a nycar as work with one in my opinion. Out of curiosity, what god does this guy serve? If I was a god with this guy as one of my paladins, I probably would have sent him off on a "Pilgrimage" as far away from the rest of my worshipers possible. Maybe to the 7th or 8th circle of hell. Or the Abyss.


Depending upon how clever the lazybones (and Familiar) are and how stupid the Paladin is, they might be able to think up ways to convince the Paladin that what they want is either the Paladin's own idea or a divine mandate.

And the original post did say that the Paladin's companions kept leaving . . . . What if the deities DID send him off on a pilgrimages to Hell and the Abyss, and he kept coming back?


Ah, that is all to be handled with roleplaying at the table. I will simply let your imaginations run wild on how these situations will be handled. The artist will not tell you what the "right" answer is, because there is none ;)

I do like the idea of Richard surviving from what should have been suicide missions though...


Can inevitables lie? Because the arbiter, with its spell-like commune, could easily convince the paladin it speaks with the voice of his god. The paladin doesn't know it's only actually able to do that once per week, and all the other times its Albert feeding him whatever he needs to hear at the moment.


I can build the paladin super charisma and no intelligence. But still want to know Bomb rain sound good? Only problem is I can't do it if party is on another plane. Stupid suicide missions. Unless I get a personal dimension for me.

Though what if he also has no common sense...


That's the ticket -- dumped both Intelligence and Wisdom; put the points into physical stats.


And charisma. I can supe up his charisma and make his reflex, ac and knowledge charisma based. i am not sure if I should do knowledge though...


You don't need knowledge, Albert/familiar can just make those checks and impart their knowledge to the paladin!

However some skills will be a major problem, like disable device and perception.


CampinCarl9127 wrote:

You don't need knowledge, Albert/familiar can just make those checks and impart their knowledge to the paladin!

However some skills will be a major problem, like disable device and perception.

We need to find a way to use Charisma and Strength for all of these things.


Some amazing builds are possible, but I would be thoroughly impressed if you could turn a low-int paladin into a viable skillmonkey.


CampinCarl9127 wrote:
Some amazing builds are possible, but I would be thoroughly impressed if you could turn a low-int paladin into a viable skillmonkey.

There are a few skills that you could use perform instead for if your take levels in bard.


I thought the Familiar was supposed to be the skill monkey.

Also, if the Witch in the lazy entourage DOESN'T go for Scarred Witch Doctor (now that this has been Errata'd not to be Constitution-dependent) or some other archetype that replaces Familiar with a Bonded Object, then potentially you have 2 Familiars to do stuff, although obviously the one for the Witch needs to take extra care to keep from getting killed (although by the time all thus stuff comes on line, the Witch will probably have a Stone Familiar for backup).


We need an oracle. Then use the oracle and message to deliver messages to the paladin, pretending of course they are from is deity. Basically the gamblers on the couch are the ones sending the paladin on the missions. Then they get to reap rewards, while the paladin thinks hes fighting evil. Also possibly have the the paladin only think he is a paladin.

Edit: I meant bard.


If you can't be seen, sneak attack is easy. Tater is a rogue rather than a gunslinger. Maybe a carnivalist so his own familiar can handle the traps, maybe a sczarni swindler to assist in taking Albert and McGee's money, maybe a sniper to shoot things that little bit farther away.


Yeah, the person looking through the ring is the most malleable party member by far. A dozen different ideas could easily fit the concept.


I feel like there's something you could do with a trapper rogue (like a kobold who scurries through the shield while the paladin sleeps and covertly places traps in enemy areas), but I can't think of a way for it not to backfire. Maybe they only call him out for special occasions. Maybe he also disables traps.

Gunner: "HEY! TRAPS GUY! HE'S DECIDED TO REST BEFORE ADVANCING DOWN THE HALL!"
Traps Guy: "Showtime."

What about someone on the Ethereal Plane occasionally casting blink/using a wand of blink to pop in and help out when the paladin's back is turned? That saves us from leaning overmuch on Gunner's ring. The only downside is he's not really lazy. Just stuck. Maybe the rest of the party put him there and he's just consigned to his post at this point. Hannah the Hapless Henchwoman, paladinsitter extraordinaire.


It's raining traps...

Also the blink ring could just be cursed and stuck on. Then have the Hannah the Hapless Henchwoman look like an angel, or minion of the paladin's deity so he thinks he has a guardian angel. 0_-

Edit: I feel like this would be hilarious if it turned into a sort of pathfinder Truman show.


Can't modify the above, but here is my addition to the team, Treb "uchet" Newton!

Lantern Lodge

Dotting


Is it possibly to make the paladin undead or a construct?


An undead paladin would be very hard to sell I would imagine.

A construct? Definitely possible. Although you will have to allow construct PCs.


CampinCarl9127 wrote:

An undead paladin would be very hard to sell I would imagine.

A construct? Definitely possible. Although you will have to allow construct PCs.

Change him to a Antipaladin? Or he could be run as a NPC controlled by all of the rest of the party.

Also do you think Treb "uchet" Newton would fit with the party.


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CampinCarl9127 wrote:
An undead paladin would be very hard to sell I would imagine.

As a related tangent, the ghost of an oath against undeath paladin is one of the concepts floating around my head I'd be most eager to see played out.

As a ghost, they retain their class and alignment and are incapable of destroying themselves - to release themselves from their suffering and fulfill their oath - until they have set right whatever is holding them to this world, probably some sort of campaign-related paladiny goal. They have lots of material to prompt an interesting backstory (how did they die? why did they stay behind?) and the potential for complex roleplaying and dramatic character growth.

Not to mention the spectacular mechanical benefits of Charisma to everything, free ghost touch armor, and immunity to half of the effects in the rulebooks.

At the very least, it would make quite a memorable NPC.


CampinCarl9127 wrote:

An undead paladin would be very hard to sell I would imagine.

A construct? Definitely possible. Although you will have to allow construct PCs.

Can a PC be a Robot?

/cevah


^I don't know of a Robot PC race that is available now, but a Construct PC race exists (Wyrwood), so in principle this is possible, although it would be stepping on the Android's toes a bit (although Androids seem to be manufactured/engineered biomechanical or even biological creatures rather than robots).


Avoron wrote:
CampinCarl9127 wrote:
An undead paladin would be very hard to sell I would imagine.

As a related tangent, the ghost of an oath against undeath paladin is one of the concepts floating around my head I'd be most eager to see played out.

As a ghost, they retain their class and alignment and are incapable of destroying themselves - to release themselves from their suffering and fulfill their oath - until they have set right whatever is holding them to this world, probably some sort of campaign-related paladiny goal. They have lots of material to prompt an interesting backstory (how did they die? why did they stay behind?) and the potential for complex roleplaying and dramatic character growth.

Not to mention the spectacular mechanical benefits of Charisma to everything, free ghost touch armor, and immunity to half of the effects in the rulebooks.

At the very least, it would make quite a memorable NPC.

This sounds interesting. And having him be anti undead would just make it more hilarious. "GAH I CAN'T KILL MYSELF!!!!"


Exactly.
What's even better is that every good action action the paladin performs while in an undead state will shake his undead=evil stereotype in the most direct way possible.

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