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Last year, I decided to try writing the backstories of people's items. They would request it, and I would write it. However, I didn't expect life to blindside me, and quite a few of the "Item Fanfics" fell to the wayside. Once again, sorry about that.
This year, I'm doing something that is much more manageable. I'm going to be taking the items posted in the upcoming "Critique My Item" thread and writing a short, little haiku of my first impression of the item.
I will still post full critiques over in the CMI thread, but I think this will be a fun little way to get a little bonus with the critique. It is also a way for me to at least cover everyone's item, since last year I didn't do detailed critiques on everyone who posted in the thread.
Anyway, haikus will begin once the CMI thread opens up. If I do a detailed critique on your item, I will post a link to the appropriate post in the CMI thread.
This will be fun! ^.^

Donald Robinson RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 |

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And thus, The haikus begin!!
Soulrazor
Soul-trapping stuff. Grr.
I'm not sure I like this one.
This thing's bananas.
Lion's Roar
Lots and lots of links!
Real good flavor, too much stuff.
fifty-fifty here.
Glove of the Severed Servent
Eew eew eew eew eew!
Disembodied limbs are gross!
But this item's cool!
Green Flash
FLASH! AAh-AAHHHHHH!! Hee hee
Low-light vision tricks are neat.
This bow gets my vote!
Soul Shackle Bolt
Tricky line tread here.
Trapping souls in place seems fine.
Kind of bonkers, though.
Sarkorian Sunderjaw
Taking away bite,
and replacing it with slam
is awesome enough!
Gorgon Sinew Lariat
Lasso, eh? Go on...
Okay, that is pretty cool.
TOP THIRTY-TWO PLEASE!

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Phase Strike Lenses
Just go stare at stuff
and make it ethereal!
AT WILL!? Bananas!
Locket of Love's Lure
This item is cute!
But that drawback turns me off.
I don't like drowning!
Cyclonic Darkleaf
Hey, look! My item!
Leaves go boom and swirl around!
No top thirty-two. :(
Auric Hush
Yay! Workshop buddy!
S-T-F-U enemies!
Magic coin says so!
Teeth of the White Death
"Appears to be"? Groan.
Look! A big, fat list of stuff!
I can't vote for this.
Hell's Restraints
Chains that act like snakes
Grapple four dudes at a time!?
That's a bit too much.

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Lookout's Lucky Buckler
Pretty description
NO! WHY ARE YOU MOVING TRAPS!?
DO NOT DO THAT! STAHP!!!
Face of the Kraken
Hi, I'm Davey Jones!
Watch me grab a lot of stuff!
Breath underwater!
Watch of Borrowed Time
Really cool concept!
Why move actions that provoke?
Visually fun!
Chameleon Shield
Stand still to blend in?
Really like the way that works!
Upvotes forever!
Needlenose Arbalest
"Once Per Week"? Ew Yuck!
Kill it and it's dead a month!?
Vote from me? No Way!
Vudrani Fighting Rope
Animated rope.
This should have been a lasso.
COMBAT MANEUVERS!
Armor of the Sun
Explodey auras
Make the bad guys hurt a lot!
Feel blind just reading!

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Twin Star Breastplate
This one seems okay.
Feels like some text is missing.
Muddled battlefield.
Stormleaper's Greaves
Visuals are nice.
"Stormleaper" sounds like a class.
Smash Bros double-jumps!
Rebel Mask
Cute ability.
Eighty percent backstory!
Take that, lawful jerks!
Wily Mace
Risky little mace.
Seventy-two thousand gold!?
Template spot-on, though.
Zeitgeist Coin
Real cool idea,
uses rules not commonly
known by all players.
Pendant of Hidden Malice
I'm invisible!
Punish you for seeing me!
Don't ruin my fun!
Jar of Fireflies
Kind of confusing.
Decimals make this thing cheap!
Blazing 9 will help!
Chemist's Retort
This seems really good!
THANK YOU FOR EXCLUDING BOMBS!
Price limit good, too!
Blackthorn Cudgel (Didn't see this one in voting)
Nice for a first try.
I think it could use more punch.
Drawback too clunky.
Mask of Cheerful Demeanor
Very useful tool!
Role-playing with this sounds fun!
Want to buy one now!

Curaigh Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 |

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Thanks, man. ^.^
I have an early day tomorrow. So Page 2 Haikus will have to wait until tomorrow afternoon/evening. My work is starting to get on me about paying too much attention to this contest. They were okay as long as I was still in the running, but now I can't be on the computer as much.
See y'all tomorrow!

WackoYackoDot Dedicated Voter Season 9 |
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Blackthorn Cudgel (Didn't see this one in voting)
Nice for a first try.
I think it could use more punch.
Drawback too clunky.
Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I got a little carried away with the regrowth aspects of greenwood items. I couldn't figure out how to keep the thematic benefits without getting so complicated. Looking at the top 32+4, it seems clear to me that you're absolutely right about it lacking punch. I'll use that as a guide for next year, to be sure.

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Yeah, the real selling point for my item was actually the tentacle beard xD
Seriously though, umm, did I accidentally imply you can grab/carry multiple items at same time? ._.;
Ah, no, its not like that. ^.^
My first time reading it, it felt like there was a wide variety of things to do with the face, and they all had a "grabby" theme to them. I liked your item. For whatever reason, the "breath underwater" made me giggle each time I read it.Typos that change words to other words make me chuckle.

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PAGE TWO
Trident of the Elemental Captain
Elemental stuff!
Seems okay, but needs a tweak.
Possessive rubies!
Sanguine Kiss
Wish I could like this.
Wording needs a lot of work
Punctuation, too.
Books of One
The books have "Dog Ears"!
These could be abused real bad!
Player knowledge phone!
Fray's Fabulous Fireworks
ALLITERATION!
Rainbow variation! Yay!
Gonna blow stuff up!
Array of the Winged Knight
I can picture it!
Second sentence made me laugh!
Limited class use.
Blood Volley Blade
Transforming weapon!
BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! Nice, though!
Very nice! Vote you!
Whip of Wounding Words
Neat whip idea,
On the fence about this one.
Text needs editing.

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CorvusMask wrote:Yeah, the real selling point for my item was actually the tentacle beard xD
Seriously though, umm, did I accidentally imply you can grab/carry multiple items at same time? ._.;
Ah, no, its not like that. ^.^
My first time reading it, it felt like there was a wide variety of things to do with the face, and they all had a "grabby" theme to them. I liked your item. For whatever reason, the "breath underwater" made me giggle each time I read it.Typos that change words to other words make me chuckle.
Oh, okay xD Yeah, I had grabbing as theme for lot of abilities :D But what typo you are talking abou-
....Waait a sec... Dang it xD Didn't realize that typo until now D:

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Brigg wrote:CorvusMask wrote:Yeah, the real selling point for my item was actually the tentacle beard xD
Seriously though, umm, did I accidentally imply you can grab/carry multiple items at same time? ._.;
Ah, no, its not like that. ^.^
My first time reading it, it felt like there was a wide variety of things to do with the face, and they all had a "grabby" theme to them. I liked your item. For whatever reason, the "breath underwater" made me giggle each time I read it.Typos that change words to other words make me chuckle.
Oh, okay xD Yeah, I had grabbing as theme for lot of abilities :D But what typo you are talking abou-
....Waait a sec... Dang it xD Didn't realize that typo until now D:

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Abacus of Probable Paradox
A designer here
hates rules for readied actions
and wants to "fix" them.
Armor of the Crow
Like the description.
This reads as way too strong.
It balances late.
Swashbuckling Sash
A really fun sash!
"that would requires two hands"
Last part is busted.
Crystal of the Gathered Mind
I like the flavor.
But it's lost in mechanics.
Just okay to me.
Flood in a Bag (Did not see this in voting)
There's a decanter.
One of endless water, yes?
I'd use that instead.
Anticipation
Too much to keep track.
Cavalier in a Halberd.
Needs a better name.
Atlatl of Volcanic Eruption
Small Plus-one weapon.
MASSIVE SIX-DIGIT PRICE TAG!
Way too much for this.
Fragmenting Quarterstaff
This one is okay.
It just doesn't do enough.
Except practice math.
Cloak of Nine Lives
Nifty mechanics!
And the theme is kitty cats!
Meow! I'm a hero!
Avatar of the Elements (Air, Earth, Fire, or Water)
Because of T.V.
I can't take this serious.
It costs too much, too!
Greenwarden Gauntlet
Expensive Gauntlet
Has us leafing through splat-books.
Decent theme, but...nah....
Gebbite Officer's Shield
Free Improved Shield Bash?
Fifteen rounds of free silence!?
Power-gamer's dream!
Coin of Chance
Can't get behind this.
Hinder party 'cause of chance?
Obnoxious item!
I'll have to get the rest of page two later. Back to work for me!

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REST OF PAGE 2
Axe of the Roaring Crowd
Knew one would try to
use performance combat rules.
This one does it well!
Boots of the Swarming Mischief
Funky, smelly boots!
Rat-filled, dirty beggar guy?
REAL MURDER-HOBO!
Shah's Hookah
I smoke dis shizznit!
Wanna take a hit of this?
Kids, say no to drugs!
PAGE 3
Replication Hammer
Hammer that absorbs.
May cause GM Frustration.
Not quite superstar.
Bloodseeker Sword
Watch me hurt myself!
Eighty-four thousand gold? Wow!
It's just not worth it.
Revealing Ink
What did I just read?
You made ink complicated!
A feat in itself!
Security Blanket
So fluffy and warm!
Love everything about it!
Never downvoting!
Wardrum of the Tactician
SO MANY ACTIONS
FITTING INTO SIX SECONDS!!
This item is borked!

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Pretty awesome stuff, Brigg!
You were suggesting you might give more nuanced reviews if we asked--if so, would you mind expounding on Chemist's Retort a little bit? I love the positivity, but it wasn't top-36 worthy, apparently, so I'm looking for whatever feedback I can get! :)

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@Dieben:
Don't get me wrong. The visuals of the item are very nice. And you stick to the mosquito thing very well. The restriction of "Once per week" really put you in a bad spot in my eyes. This is because when you use it, all it would take is for the grapple to be broken, then you have to wait a whole week to be able to use it again. This would actually make it VERY difficult, if not near-impossible, to ever pull off the second ability. And the risk of putting your weapon out of coolness for a whole month was the final nail in the coffin.
You had a great theme, but the crunchy mechanics really needed to be thought through better.
@Terminalmancer
First off, I consistently upvoted your item.
Once again, I want to applaud a good catch in excluding Alchemist Bombs from this weapon's ability. I probably would have felt a little differently if you had not done this, or worse, encouraged it.
I'm curious as to whether or not you considered every possible alchemical item that could fit the bill to be put in this weapon. I mean, what's stopping me from putting a flask of silver weapon blanch and firing at my allies' weapons from 50 feet away to trivialize an enemy weak to silver? Or maybe firing five shots of a vial of flash powder? With iterative attacks, no less!
Anyway, it got my gears turning that way. You have a great item and very good design. I would just be wary, and plug up any Power-gamer-exploitable holes. The 50 gp limit for 5 shot stuff is good, but firing more expensive stuff, even at a single shot, may have some unexpected results.

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@Terminalmancer
First off, I consistently upvoted your item.
Once again, I want to applaud a good catch in excluding Alchemist Bombs from this weapon's ability. I probably would have felt a little differently if you had not done this, or worse, encouraged it.
I'm curious as to whether or not you considered every possible alchemical item that could fit the bill to be put in this weapon. I mean, what's stopping me from putting a flask of silver weapon blanch and firing at my allies' weapons from 50 feet away to trivialize an enemy weak to silver? Or maybe firing five shots of a vial of flash powder? With iterative attacks, no less!
Anyway, it got my gears turning that way. You have a great item and very good design. I would just be wary, and plug up any Power-gamer-exploitable holes. The 50 gp limit for 5 shot stuff is good, but firing more expensive stuff, even at a single shot, may have some unexpected results.
Thanks! I really appreciate it. You also made some very good points... since you asked me some questions, I'll respond:
Regarding the consideration of which alchemical items I considered, I did consider a number of items but there are so many, I did admit I did not consider them all. (Whole thing came together in a couple hours, most of which was plugging loopholes. It was a busy week before RPGSS...)
I felt like the item itself provided a number of constraints on the ability:
1. It's a crossbow. Almost nobody uses crossbows as serious, optimize-worthy weapons.
2. It's an exotic crossbow.
3. It takes a full-round action to load a bolt case. Unless you're invested far enough into crossbows to be a crossbow master, if I remember correctly. I think that might speed up repeating crossbows.
4. It costs 12,700 gp... that's a pretty hefty investment for something that helps you throw alchemical items further.
Given the type of weapon, the price of the weapon, and the problem of crossbows being so thoroughly suboptimal that nobody powergames them, I felt like anyone who was willing to spend 12,000 gp on a heavy repeating crossbow could probably stand to get some utility out of it. Making a full attack with a vial of flash powder wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but it was the kind of awesome thing I wanted to enable. I'm not 100% sure that 50gp was the correct limit, but there is an essentially infinite variety of possible alchemical items out there and I would be surprised if there wasn't something that was maybe a little more powerful than I thought. But still... it's 12k, it's an exotic crossbow that doesn't benefit from rapid reload.
Now, don't get me wrong, I didn't want to enable absolute craziness. But silver weapon blanch is a mere 5 gp, flash powder is expensive but DC 13... these are the kinds of items that an experienced adventurer could be taking advantage of anyway, assuming that you're carrying the item in the first place. And in most cases you're giving up a turn in favor of loading the blanch or whatever into the crossbow. In a lot of cases, you could get a similar effect simply by taking Quick Draw as a two-weapon fighter and loading up a bandoleer with alchemical splash weapons.
Anyway, thank you! I really appreciate the feedback, and it's something I'll keep in mind for my next item(s).

Dan Jones RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka SmiloDan |

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Love to hear further thoughts on my Gorgon Sinew Lariat (also don't feel shy about serious critique, it's the only reason I had such a better submission than last year).
What I really appreciated about your item is that you were specific about everything you NEEDED to be specific about: What can reverse the petrification, creatures that don't breathe are immune, wind can blow it away, even the hardness, hit points and escape DC.
Some may see it as annoying, but by listing all that stuff there, you effectively prevent players and GMs from having to leaf through other books to figure it all that stuff out; especially since lassos are not commonly used. I like it!
Now, the effect, I would probably scale it back to maybe 1d3. But that's just me. having it done only once per day was a wise choice!
One final tiny nitpick: The phrase "green petrification gas" would have sounded better as "noxious green gas" or something along those lines. Reason: The paragraphs after it tells us that the gas can petrify the target. If a villain were describing this while using it, that little change in the text becomes the difference between him saying:
"I will petrify you with my petrification gas!"
and
"Hold still, breathe it in, and turn to stone!"
Still, loved it, and voted it quite consistently.

Kobold Catgirl Marathon Voter Season 9 |

I think you missed mine (probably because it was in the same posts as some critiques).

Nick Wasko RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 |

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Kigvan wrote:Love to hear further thoughts on my Gorgon Sinew Lariat (also don't feel shy about serious critique, it's the only reason I had such a better submission than last year).What I really appreciated about your item is that you were specific about everything you NEEDED to be specific about: What can reverse the petrification, creatures that don't breathe are immune, wind can blow it away, even the hardness, hit points and escape DC.
Some may see it as annoying, but by listing all that stuff there, you effectively prevent players and GMs from having to leaf through other books to figure it all that stuff out; especially since lassos are not commonly used. I like it!
Now, the effect, I would probably scale it back to maybe 1d3. But that's just me. having it done only once per day was a wise choice!
One final tiny nitpick: The phrase "green petrification gas" would have sounded better as "noxious green gas" or something along those lines. Reason: The paragraphs after it tells us that the gas can petrify the target. If a villain were describing this while using it, that little change in the text becomes the difference between him saying:
"I will petrify you with my petrification gas!"
and
"Hold still, breathe it in, and turn to stone!"
Still, loved it, and voted it quite consistently.
yeah 1d3 would have distanced itself further from calcific touch, and the writing tips are quite welcome as well. Thanks for your thoughts (will get a critique of yours after I finish the top 32+4).

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I think you missed mine (probably because it was in the same posts as some critiques).
Oh snap! Sorry! You're right, my eyes seem to glaze over the posts that don't start early with the item when looking for the haiku "Targets". ^.^
..
Stirgenest Quiver
Makes a bunch of noise.
Proboscis is a cool word!
Quiver gets the votes!

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Brigg wrote:Please do the alternates too. I'd love to see what you do to mine. :)
Thanks. I still need to finish "Haiku-ing" the top 32.Side thought: Maybe I should do limericks next season...<.<
I'm going to finish the top 32+4 haikus before I continue in here with the CMI thread.

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THE HAIKUS RETURNETH! Continuing page 3!
Blood Twin's Quills
Ah! Gold Filigree!
Blood as ink? Been done before.
A little too much.
Boiling Heart Gauntlet
Fancy steampunk look.
1-d-4 seems not enough.
Dehydration!? Ew...
Whispering Blade
Spooky evil blades
Brings dead guys back as undead.
That's been done to death. (Pun intended)
Husk of Protective Parchment
Snerk Snerk...pearl necklace...
Zero Arcane Spell Failure!?
Wizards buy these up!!
Just letting you all know I'm back. I'll more than likely finish the top 36 before continuing the CMI thread.
Still open to elaborate on my haiku for anyone willing to get a more thorough critique.

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Looks like I'm relegated to posting my poetries only during my lunch breaks at work. Silly home computer problems. >.<'
It will be a slow trickle, but I'm going to do my best to get everything done and not flake out like I did last year!
Sorry if I haven't gotten to you yet. There's still a few of the top 32 I haven't gotten to yet either.

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@TerminalmancerI'm curious as to whether or not you considered every possible alchemical item that could fit the bill to be put in this weapon. I mean, what's stopping me from putting a flask of silver weapon blanch and firing at my allies' weapons from 50 feet away to trivialize an enemy weak to silver? Or maybe firing five shots of a vial of flash powder? With iterative attacks, no less!
Weapon blanches have to be heated and take 1 minute a full round to apply to a weapon, so I don't think shooting them at your allies' weapons would be an issue.
Also I consistently upvoted this item as well. Well done.