1000 ways to kill a goblin


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I need a thousand ways to kill a goblin

Hurry Hurry Hurry!

I am being attacked right now!

Go


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Get a cat.


Huh?


Yoshu Uhsoy wrote:
Huh?

Cats will kill goblins....1 cat> 1000 Goblins


Ha Ha Ha


Explosive Runes


3. An arrow to the big football shaped head.


A bag of holding


Vorpal weapons!


web and spark?

fireball?

Tell them there's a Gold Piece at the bottom of a lake?

a horse with spiked armor?


Silly humans, goblins are indestructible


10. Enter us in the Carl Spackler Commemorative Golf Championship*.

Scarab Sages

11. Boot to the head!

12. Shrimp to the face!

13. Give them a map to the Worldwound, tell them it's a treasure map to a hidden hoard of fireworks.

14. Sovereign Glue cream pie to the face!

15. Take a stick of dynamite, deep-fry it and coat it in cinnamon and sugar, then give it to them saying it's a churro.


16. An arrow to the heart!


17. Death by Snu-Snu!

Scarab Sages

18. Shove a hook up their nose and pull their brains out their nostrils like the Ancient Egyptians did with mummies.

19. Drop an anvil on their head.

20. Drop an otyugh on their head.

21. Drop a 20th-level Wizard's spellbook on their head.

22. Telekinetically lift them high into the sky, then drop them.

23. Use prestidigitation to make them smell like ripe pesh-fruit, then send them to the slums of Katapesh.

24. Train them to be a missionary, then tell them that they're very interested in hearing the word of Zarongel over in Rahadoum.

25. Lock them in a safe with nothing but written instructions on how to escape.


Pathfinder Adventure Path, Companion, Lost Omens, Rulebook Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

26. Another goblin
27. Give it a Rod of Wonder and step way, way back.


28. Give them a firework and put them in a room with a chest full of fireworks -

Spoiler:
success rate is 2/4 for self inflicted TPK! only once has it not resulted in a death


29) Infect it with a curable disease and shove written instructions about the cure in it's face.

30) Throw a book at it.

31) Make a trail of candy from its hut to the hut of an Annis Hag.

32) Give it a credit card with unlimited credit. See how long it lasts before it gets killed or crushed under something it bought.

Dark Archive

33) Pickled green slime. They can't resist eating it. Then it can't resist eating them...


34) [or 33b] Make pickles out of clay, paint & glaze them, and fire in kiln. Suspend these "pickles" in gelatinous cube.

35) [or 33c] Convince goblins to have a cow-patty flinging contest, then turn a dozen mini-otyughs loose on them.

RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32

36) Given them kegs of gunpowder, and let nature take its course.


37) Posion them.


38) Give them a pirate ship.


39) Give them 50 propane tanks, matches, and dump them in the woods. When the smoke starts, run very, very fast.

40) Light their farts on fire.


50) Leave them alone and let them kill themselves?


51) Test out those new spells in your spellbook...


Gwen Smith wrote:
50) Leave them alone and let them kill themselves?

You forget 41-49


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Yoshu Uhsoy wrote:
Gwen Smith wrote:
50) Leave them alone and let them kill themselves?
You forget 41-49

[No Prize] Actually, 41-49 were too effective, so I hired Lacuna, Inc. to delete them from all the posters' memories. [/No Prize]


52) Trump Your Goblins and they'll die from embarrassment.


41-49 Take 2, replacing lost memories:

41) Intimidate them into fighting each other.

42) Leave out full waterskins with vials of alchemist's fire inside them.

43) The Earth Breaker.

44) Poisoned hot dogs.

45) Find a murderhobo, and tell him the tale of the goblin treasure trove.

46) Strap one to a dartboard, and leave out a supply of darts for its fellows.

47) Tell them that the only thing that can hurt a troll is fire and acid.

48) Alternatively, tell a troll that the goblins are running an alchemical lab. Use small words, and be patient. He'll get there eventually.

49) Summon Monster II: Celestial horse. Let the competition between fear and appetite unfold.


Idle Champion wrote:

41-49 Take 2, replacing lost memories:

41) Intimidate them into fighting each other.

42) Leave out full waterskins with vials of alchemist's fire inside them.

43) The Earth Breaker.

44) Poisoned hot dogs.

45) Find a murderhobo, and tell him the tale of the goblin treasure trove.

46) Strap one to a dartboard, and leave out a supply of darts for its fellows.

47) Tell them that the only thing that can hurt a troll is fire and acid.

48) Alternatively, tell a troll that the goblins are running an alchemical lab. Use small words, and be patient. He'll get there eventually.

49) Summon Monster II: Celestial horse. Let the competition between fear and appetite unfold.

Thanks!


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Yoshu Uhsoy wrote:
Gwen Smith wrote:
50) Leave them alone and let them kill themselves?
You forget 41-49

Those were all left blank in honor of all the goblins brutally slain by #40.


53) Body Bludgeon

Scarab Sages

52) Tell them that round, tall house over there is where the humans keep the salt. Let the wizard take it from there.


Babe: Pig on the Internet wrote:
52) Trump Your Goblins and they'll die from embarrassment.
Choon wrote:
52) Tell them that round, tall house over there is where the humans keep the salt. Let the wizard take it from there.

Am I missing something here?


NJone of these are even close to as good as my first suggestion.


Choon wrote:
52) Tell them that round, tall house over there is where the humans keep the salt. Let the wizard take it from there.

The joke, Your Self, is that a "round, tall building" is a wizard's tower. Salt shakers are shaped similarly. At least, that's by best guess. :P


Kobold Cleaver wrote:
Choon wrote:
52) Tell them that round, tall house over there is where the humans keep the salt. Let the wizard take it from there.
The joke, Your Self, is that a "round, tall building" is a wizard's tower. Salt shakers are shaped similarly. At least, that's by best guess. :P

I don't see a "Your Self" anywhere... Wait, no, that's you? Wait... wat

Anyways- I was pointing out the new 52. I'm pretty sure I got the wizard tower thing, but 52... twice? It's like deja vu all over again.

Grand Lodge

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

54 to One Million: Send it to the Wild West. Because there are A Million Ways To Die In The West


55. Force them to watch A Million Ways To Die In The West. Goblins don't have long lifespans.


56. Roll a Goblin Rogue, play Carrion Crown.


Kobold Cleaver wrote:
55. Force them to watch A Million Ways To Die In The West. Goblins don't have long lifespans.

If anything, this will probably mean the goblins seek out and harm Seth MacFarlane.


Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

57. Split them into groups of three. Allow two goblins to decide among themselves who gets to torture and kill the third, bound goblin.


Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

58. Have a wild/primal mage of sufficient power pretend to be the goblin god of cooperation and territory.

Grand Lodge

59. Grab nearest gobbo, bludgeon next nearest gobbo with first gobbo. Repeat as needed until necessary.


Dreaming Psion wrote:
57. Split them into groups of three. Allow two goblins to decide among themselves who gets to torture and kill the third, bound goblin.

.

57b. Split goblins into groups of three. Then follow this proven script:
The Joker wrote:

Now, our operation is small, but there's a lot of potential for "aggressive" expansion. So, which one of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team?

Oh, there's only one spot open right now, so we're gonna have... {breaks pool cue over knee} tryouts. {throws broken pool cue at the thugs}


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Pillbug Toenibbler wrote:
Kobold Cleaver wrote:
55. Force them to watch A Million Ways To Die In The West. Goblins don't have long lifespans.
If anything, this will probably mean the goblins seek out and harm Seth MacFarlane.

So you're saying there's no downside to this plan.


2 people marked this as a favorite.
Rynjin wrote:
Pillbug Toenibbler wrote:
Kobold Cleaver wrote:
55. Force them to watch A Million Ways To Die In The West. Goblins don't have long lifespans.
If anything, this will probably mean the goblins seek out and harm Seth MacFarlane.
So you're saying there's no downside to this plan.

Downside: You probably had to spend money on that movie.

Scarab Sages

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60. Jump on their head a la video game hero.

61. Give them a concrete milkshake.

62. Paint a grenade white, give to them saying it's a soft-boiled egg.

63. Give them a pistol, tell them it's a Pez dispenser.

64. Show them your famous "disappearing pencil" trick.

65. Inspire them to invent the automobile.

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