Would you kindly.....

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Vincent Price as: the Thirteenth Doctor!

The Thirteenth Doctor is a dark reflection of all previous incarnations, having more in common with the Master than anyone else. With a strange penchant for "intuitive block-transfer calculations"-what some mortals may call magic-a sense of humor that is smaller than a singularity, and an obsession with finding out what lies after the last regeneration for the Time Lords, join him for the Season That Never Was!

The next poster, would you kindly choose a companion for the Thirteenth Doctor?

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On it ::spends a night digging in the used person lot (graveyard). Sews together a vaguely Elvira shaped companion for the 13th doctor, a little bit of lightning bot action later and WHAM:: If you can't find love, you MAKE it!

The next poster, would you kindly introduce the doctor's new companion to him.


Next poster, will you kindly design a fan-servicey outfit for the sausage.

Certainly. In fact, I have a little model here to display it!

:shows "model":

Next poster, would you kindly tell us what you like best about it.

Dear lord... Uh...

*flees room*

The next poster, would you kindly capture GoatToucher for rehabilitation?

Most certainly, ::charges up the electrodes for electroshock therapy, and straps GT into a gurney:: Now Mister Goat Toucher, I will need you to bite down on this mouth guard, but don't worry, it only hurts for a moment.

Next poster, would you kindly administer GT's therapy?


Gladly, my good man, gladly.
*Turns up the electricity voltage to maximum*


Next poster who is not GoatToucher, would you kindly dispose of GoatToucher's body? You can have a drink on the house to boot.

Scarab Sages

I'm Hiding GoatToucher's body In Your freezer - and I gladly help myself to a St. Germaine and soda.

Next poster, would you kindly astroturf nonsensical conspiracy gossip about GoatToucher's demise so as to discredit anyone who might figure out the truth?

:stands up out of freezer, naked but for a bag of frozen peas stuck to his chest:

GoatToucher was clearly an instrument of the Five Families that rule all. They would never allow him to die, and they regularly fill him with the Elixer of Life, as derived from the alchemical Philosopher's Stone, which the Masonic arm of their organization discovered during the renaissance.

They have doubtless used their reptilian future-technology to alter his face, the better for him to shed his notoriety and strike from the shadows.

No, GoatToucher is not dead. He could be any of us. Your friends, your family, your larger housepets, even -you-. Reptilians excel at creating mind controlled sleeper agents.

:extricates himself from the freezer:

:looks into freezer:

Hum. I'd wager my scrotum touched every article in there, at some point. What a lovely surprise for whoever this appliance belongs to!

Scarab Sages

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*facepalms offstage while holding script* GoatToucher, would you kindly "would you kindly?"

Next poster, would you kindly not park your bulette in my turnip field?

Sure thing.
*Parks it in the neighbor's yard.*

Next poster, would you kindly explore that gloomy looking forest?


:enters, explores, emerges:

Man, there were a -lot- of unicorns in there. Almost made me loose my taste for their sweet, sweet, flesh.

Not a problem anymore, though.

Next poster, would you kindly craft the two dozen or so horns in this sack into something useful?

Scarab Sages

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*hollows them out, mounts them on wooden fixtures, and turns them into fireball wands*

Might & Magic VI-VII warned us these things were born of cruelty and evil. Now we've witnessed the details.

Next poster, would you kindly put these things to a use that justifies their wicked creation?

*disguises self as a nun and distributes wands with command word marked on them to halfling children*

Next poster would you kindly tell us what happened next?

Sovereign Court

Fireworks! That's what happened next!

Next poster, would you kindly, aid my army of ettin in restoring the destroyed city?

Certainly. ::walks among the ettin's of Zon-Kuthon's army:: Ok, now which heads on you lads are the smart heads? Right head, check, left head for you, check.

Ok, smart heads, go ahead and have your appropriate arm use those fine clubs and knock you dumb heads unconscious. Done, good! Now that we have that out of the way, there will be no arguing. Ettins, I will now introduce you to your site foreman.

Next poster would you kindly act as foreman for these now pliable ettins?

Sure thing.
You there! Place that plank on the ground to the right.No, not your right, his right. Right. No, wrong! I was talking to the left head! Right. Not the right one....
Ok, listen, from now on, you're head Bob and you're head Steve....

Next poster, would you kindly repeat this exact request to the poster after you?


Lord Twitchiopolis wanted me to tell you "Next poster, would you kindly repeat this exact request to the poster after you?"

You don't have to do that, though, because I have a request of my own:

Next poster, would you kindly take this sponge and bucket of bleach-water and clean the surface of my "Work table". Please dispose of the larger chunks in the receptacle marked "leftovers"

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*openly weeping, dons Haz-mat suit. Begins scrubbing workbench. Vomits in suit. Audibly sobs, pushing chunks into leftovers pail. Vomits again in suit. Empties suit helmet into leftovers pail. Runs shrieking from the room. *

Next poster would you kindly describe the damage done to my psyche from this event.

I can indeed, alas, after cleaning GT's "work" table, Molten Dragon could never look at meat, especially hamburger, the same way again. He is now prone to breaking into fits of sobbing or going catatonic for days on end. Dentist and doctor's instruments terrify him, and cause flashbacks to what those chunk he cleaned up used to be. It would seem that Molten Dragon now suffers from the most sever case of PTSD that I have seen outside of WW1 trench warfare.

The next poster, would you kindly suggest a way to help poor Molten Dragon treat his condition.

:holds up scrub brush: Clean my bathroom?

Next poster, would you kindly tell us your first hand experience with electro-convulsive therapy?

Mmm, tingly and refreshing.

Next poster, will you kindly show us the way out of Bonnie Tyler's hair?

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I've have given this a lot of thought and have determined that there's nothing I can say: a Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Next poster, would you kindly tell us your favorite vampire romance song.

Scarab Sages

Does "Kiss Me, Son of God" by They Might Be Giants count?

Next poster, would you kindly raid the CIA headquarters and find out what they're hiding from us?

Longears Investigation Bureau can hereby reveal that CIA should actually read CIAAAAA, which stands for Cheese In All Available Ample Apertures, Actually and also represents the sound their operatives make while doing just that. They don't actually do any intelligence work, all of which was outsourced to the Chinese years ago.

Next poster, would you kindly describe how you intend to lure Edward Snowden back to the US?

Yep, $3.27 in change and a box of girl scout thin mints, that is 25% more than Vladimir offered.

Next poster, would you kindly tell us how Mr. Snowden reacts to the offer?

He greedily gobbles the thin mints, spends the $3.27 on four bottles of Russian vodka so powerful it qualifies as an industrial solvent in the US, and flips you the bird, running out of the room and into the Russian summer (which is -50 degrees Fahrenheit).

Next poster, would you kindly wax my sensitive areas?


*Proceeds to strap GT to a chair, then pours acid to dissolve clothing, to avoid contamination.*

Epic pause of anticipation.....

*Pours a vat of hot wax down on GT*

Next poster, would you kindly ship this hideous wax statue to somewhere utterly remote?


* using telekinesis picks up the statue and drops it in a nearby Sphere of Annihilation then places the sphere into the event horizon of a black hole far from all life in this, or any, universe *

I believe that is remote enough.

Next poster, would you kindly clean up the mess left behind by Mr. Harrison's fine work?


:Inexplicably present, he scrapes hardened wax from the floor:

:It is important to note that he is now completely hairless:

:It is also important (though less pleasant) to note that he is completely nude, and that what he has going on down in his "sensitive area" boggles the mind and sours the stomach:

Apologies for interrupting GT's Happy Time, but what about the next poster, presumably Sir?

Next poster, would you kindly bend over and hold the dustpan for me?

*Easily grabs the dustpan and bends it into an arche not meant for pans, then hands it to GT.*

Next poster, who is not GoatToucher, would you kindly explain the humor in that?

Sovereign Court

It's totally useless now, get it?

Next poster, would you kindly, revive the following three threads: last one to post wins, world of creation and one of your choice?

*Applies shock therapy to reboot heartbeat*

Next poster, you kindly drive monster truck into church backyard?

No problem.

[Starts engine]

[Drives into church graveyard]


Oh, did i just kill you, little gob?

Next poster, would you kindly take care of the large number of bodies, that are stuck to my monstertruck's wheels?



That I can do, Half-Orcs excel at mechanical repairs. Ok, a little price gouging here, a little extra ::squealing metal:: broken bit there. Perfect! ::proceeds to replaces giant tires, with ever more giant tires with spiked snow chains:: Now for the costly bits. ::wrenches on the giant truck fixing the stuff he broke on purpose to price gouge::

Eyyup! Your monster truck is good as new, took some pretty serious work, and there was more corpse damage to the undercarriage than I first thought, sooo, the total repair bill comes to $123,987.45 plus tax.

The next poster, would you kindly pay the repair bill for fixing Corpse Crusher the monster truck?

Certainly. Do you accept teeth? Your own teeth? Splendid!

Next poster, would you kindly accept the position of Dentist To The Stars?

Hmm. It will be my job to alternately be a dreaded source of oral discomfort and to gas people unconscious and put things in their mouths?

I accept!

Next poster, would you kindly be my first patient?

Poog always has patience.....mostly.

Next pozter, would you kindly go to Ryan's office and reanimate that son of a btch.

Of course. What could be better than necromancing a gender-switched objectivist author?

Next poster, would you kindly give me your hand?

Sure. I don't exactly have opposable thumbs, but these are good for papier-mâché projects.

Next poster, would you kindly compete as a driver on my racing team?

Sure, seeing as all I have to do is sit in an easy chair, rotate a dinner plate in front of me with both hands and go "BRRRM! RRMM! BRRRM RRM RRM! NEEEEOOOWWWW RRRRRBR BRMM BRMM!"

Next poster, would you kindly return the little part of me that you took when you left me, now?


*Jams cut off toenail into Pulg's toe*

Next pozter, would you kindly replace Legolas with evil counterpart?

I'm afraid I cannot, for you see, Legolas is the evil twin!

:dramatic music:

Next poster, kindly tell us what Legolas' long term plans are.


Legolas, with his looks, aims to dominate all the fangirls into his personal harem.

Next poster, would you kindly foil evil Legolas' plan.

Absolutely. I merely ask him if he would kindly post his stamp collection on instagram.

Next poster, would you kindly set fire to yourself?


:strips naked, displaying a number of... lets just say unusual physical attributes:

:Jambi emerges with a silvered and gilt pump spray canister, and begins to douse GT in oily fluid, which GT rubs into assorted crevices to assure complete coverage:

:he lingers on some spots more than others:

:GT raises his arms high over his head, putting himself on display, when he is ignited by Jambi, who extends a small candle on a pole:

:GT is immediately engulfed, and his flesh quickly begins to bubble, crack, and peel:

:he takes a deep breaths and, still aflame, does a few deep knee bends. At this point, the smell of burning flesh and another, less identifiable scent becomes overpowering, and bits and pieces of charred tissue begin to drop off GT's body:

:GT turns in a circle in order to display his entire body, and then nods to Jambi, who produces a second pump canister of the opposite color scheme to the first. This canister produces water that douses GT:

:GT does a number of stretches, causing the layer of blackened flesh to crack and flake, exposing muscle and bone:

Ahhh... BRACING!

:he extends a hand to Jambi, and receives a fluffy periwinkle towel. He begins wiping himself off, revealing sinew and organs, but, as he goes over the surfaces of his body, you see that areas he has already cleaned have regrown skin, perfectly intact. Ultimately, this leaves him in the same state in which he began, which is unfortunate for all observers on many levels:

:he drops the befouled towel to the ground, where it is retrieved by Jambi. Jambi then helps GT put on a yellow and red silken robe that is about two inches two short to cover his "points of interest":

That was nice.

The next poster will give me a vigorous rubdown: And not skip the more secret places.

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