The Doomkitten |
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Vincent Price as: the Thirteenth Doctor!
The Thirteenth Doctor is a dark reflection of all previous incarnations, having more in common with the Master than anyone else. With a strange penchant for "intuitive block-transfer calculations"-what some mortals may call magic-a sense of humor that is smaller than a singularity, and an obsession with finding out what lies after the last regeneration for the Time Lords, join him for the Season That Never Was!
The next poster, would you kindly choose a companion for the Thirteenth Doctor?
GM_Beernorg |
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On it ::spends a night digging in the used person lot (graveyard). Sews together a vaguely Elvira shaped companion for the 13th doctor, a little bit of lightning bot action later and WHAM:: If you can't find love, you MAKE it!
The next poster, would you kindly introduce the doctor's new companion to him.
GoatToucher |
:stands up out of freezer, naked but for a bag of frozen peas stuck to his chest:
GoatToucher was clearly an instrument of the Five Families that rule all. They would never allow him to die, and they regularly fill him with the Elixer of Life, as derived from the alchemical Philosopher's Stone, which the Masonic arm of their organization discovered during the renaissance.
They have doubtless used their reptilian future-technology to alter his face, the better for him to shed his notoriety and strike from the shadows.
No, GoatToucher is not dead. He could be any of us. Your friends, your family, your larger housepets, even -you-. Reptilians excel at creating mind controlled sleeper agents.
:extricates himself from the freezer:
:looks into freezer:
Hum. I'd wager my scrotum touched every article in there, at some point. What a lovely surprise for whoever this appliance belongs to!
GM_Beernorg |
Certainly. ::walks among the ettin's of Zon-Kuthon's army:: Ok, now which heads on you lads are the smart heads? Right head, check, left head for you, check.
Ok, smart heads, go ahead and have your appropriate arm use those fine clubs and knock you dumb heads unconscious. Done, good! Now that we have that out of the way, there will be no arguing. Ettins, I will now introduce you to your site foreman.
Next poster would you kindly act as foreman for these now pliable ettins?
Lord Twitchiopolis |
Sure thing.
You there! Place that plank on the ground to the right.No, not your right, his right. Right. No, wrong! I was talking to the left head! Right. Not the right one....
Ok, listen, from now on, you're head Bob and you're head Steve....
Next poster, would you kindly repeat this exact request to the poster after you?
GoatToucher |
Certainly!
Lord Twitchiopolis wanted me to tell you "Next poster, would you kindly repeat this exact request to the poster after you?"
You don't have to do that, though, because I have a request of my own:
Next poster, would you kindly take this sponge and bucket of bleach-water and clean the surface of my "Work table". Please dispose of the larger chunks in the receptacle marked "leftovers"
Molten Dragon |
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*openly weeping, dons Haz-mat suit. Begins scrubbing workbench. Vomits in suit. Audibly sobs, pushing chunks into leftovers pail. Vomits again in suit. Empties suit helmet into leftovers pail. Runs shrieking from the room. *
Next poster would you kindly describe the damage done to my psyche from this event.
GM_Beernorg |
I can indeed, alas, after cleaning GT's "work" table, Molten Dragon could never look at meat, especially hamburger, the same way again. He is now prone to breaking into fits of sobbing or going catatonic for days on end. Dentist and doctor's instruments terrify him, and cause flashbacks to what those chunk he cleaned up used to be. It would seem that Molten Dragon now suffers from the most sever case of PTSD that I have seen outside of WW1 trench warfare.
The next poster, would you kindly suggest a way to help poor Molten Dragon treat his condition.
Pulg |
Longears Investigation Bureau can hereby reveal that CIA should actually read CIAAAAA, which stands for Cheese In All Available Ample Apertures, Actually and also represents the sound their operatives make while doing just that. They don't actually do any intelligence work, all of which was outsourced to the Chinese years ago.
Next poster, would you kindly describe how you intend to lure Edward Snowden back to the US?
GoatToucher |
He greedily gobbles the thin mints, spends the $3.27 on four bottles of Russian vodka so powerful it qualifies as an industrial solvent in the US, and flips you the bird, running out of the room and into the Russian summer (which is -50 degrees Fahrenheit).
Next poster, would you kindly wax my sensitive areas?
Wylliam Harrison |
Hehe...
*Proceeds to strap GT to a chair, then pours acid to dissolve clothing, to avoid contamination.*
Epic pause of anticipation.....
*Pours a vat of hot wax down on GT*
---------------------------------------
Next poster, would you kindly ship this hideous wax statue to somewhere utterly remote?
Grandpa Wonderbra |
Certainly.
* using telekinesis picks up the statue and drops it in a nearby Sphere of Annihilation then places the sphere into the event horizon of a black hole far from all life in this, or any, universe *
I believe that is remote enough.
Next poster, would you kindly clean up the mess left behind by Mr. Harrison's fine work?
GoatToucher |
Certainly!
:Inexplicably present, he scrapes hardened wax from the floor:
:It is important to note that he is now completely hairless:
:It is also important (though less pleasant) to note that he is completely nude, and that what he has going on down in his "sensitive area" boggles the mind and sours the stomach:
GM_Beernorg |
That I can do, Half-Orcs excel at mechanical repairs. Ok, a little price gouging here, a little extra ::squealing metal:: broken bit there. Perfect! ::proceeds to replaces giant tires, with ever more giant tires with spiked snow chains:: Now for the costly bits. ::wrenches on the giant truck fixing the stuff he broke on purpose to price gouge::
Eyyup! Your monster truck is good as new, took some pretty serious work, and there was more corpse damage to the undercarriage than I first thought, sooo, the total repair bill comes to $123,987.45 plus tax.
The next poster, would you kindly pay the repair bill for fixing Corpse Crusher the monster truck?
GoatToucher |
Indeed!
:strips naked, displaying a number of... lets just say unusual physical attributes:
:Jambi emerges with a silvered and gilt pump spray canister, and begins to douse GT in oily fluid, which GT rubs into assorted crevices to assure complete coverage:
:he lingers on some spots more than others:
:GT raises his arms high over his head, putting himself on display, when he is ignited by Jambi, who extends a small candle on a pole:
:GT is immediately engulfed, and his flesh quickly begins to bubble, crack, and peel:
:he takes a deep breaths and, still aflame, does a few deep knee bends. At this point, the smell of burning flesh and another, less identifiable scent becomes overpowering, and bits and pieces of charred tissue begin to drop off GT's body:
:GT turns in a circle in order to display his entire body, and then nods to Jambi, who produces a second pump canister of the opposite color scheme to the first. This canister produces water that douses GT:
:GT does a number of stretches, causing the layer of blackened flesh to crack and flake, exposing muscle and bone:
Ahhh... BRACING!
:he extends a hand to Jambi, and receives a fluffy periwinkle towel. He begins wiping himself off, revealing sinew and organs, but, as he goes over the surfaces of his body, you see that areas he has already cleaned have regrown skin, perfectly intact. Ultimately, this leaves him in the same state in which he began, which is unfortunate for all observers on many levels:
:he drops the befouled towel to the ground, where it is retrieved by Jambi. Jambi then helps GT put on a yellow and red silken robe that is about two inches two short to cover his "points of interest":
That was nice.
The next poster will give me a vigorous rubdown: And not skip the more secret places.