Funny S#$& My Kid Says


Off-Topic Discussions

201 to 250 of 353 << first < prev | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | next > last >>
Scarab Sages

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Whenever my kids start singing that "Uptown funk you up..." song.


3 people marked this as a favorite.

Not sure if this counts, but when I was a a little kid, I thought that the reason old pictures and video were in black, white, and grey was because "Back in the old days" the world had no color. (I'm not sure when or why exactly I thought color showed up, though.)


5 people marked this as a favorite.
Captain collateral damage wrote:
Not sure if this counts, but when I was a a little kid, I thought that the reason old pictures and video were in black, white, and grey was because "Back in the old days" the world had no color. (I'm not sure when or why exactly I thought color showed up, though.)

You just read too much Calvin & Hobbes.


9 people marked this as a favorite.
Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Superscriber
NobodysHome wrote:
Captain collateral damage wrote:
Not sure if this counts, but when I was a a little kid, I thought that the reason old pictures and video were in black, white, and grey was because "Back in the old days" the world had no color. (I'm not sure when or why exactly I thought color showed up, though.)
You just read too much Calvin & Hobbes.

There is no such thing as too much Calvin & Hobbes.

Sovereign Court

3 people marked this as a favorite.

Me, to wife: "I'm just going to the loo (British for toilet)"
My daughter, age three: "Are you going to sit down or do it out of your willy?"


11 people marked this as a favorite.

Nurse: So, if 10 is the worst pain you can think of, and 1 is, um...
Impus Major: OK, so if 10 is stubbing my toe, and 1 is watching a poorly-written children's television show...


14 people marked this as a favorite.

So Impus Major and I have a bit of a morning ritual: He forgets to get his lunchbox out of his backpack the night before, so in the morning I loudly proclaim, "Boy, I WISH I had Impus Major's lunchbox so I could pack his lunch for him!"
He usually responds with, "Oh, Dad! You just failed your Perception roll! If you look carefully, you'll see... my lunchbox! Ta da!"

Some of his variations are priceless:
=======================
NH: Boy, I WISH I had Impus Major's lunchbox so I could pack his lunch for him!
IM: It's good to want things, Dad. It builds character.
This is a direct quote from one of our friends, a long-time GM who would respond to all player requests that started with, "I want," with this.
=======================
NH: Boy, I WISH I had Impus Major's lunchbox so I could pack his lunch for him!
IM: Well, I wish our cat wouldn't throw up all over the floor, but we can't always get what we wish for, Dad!


8 people marked this as a favorite.

Toddler Gersen, being barely 2, usually says stuff like "Want eat that!"
Sometimes, though, she'll say, "Brag Boog Blog Bleeg" or something, just to see if I'm paying attention.
Invariably, I'll respond, "Brag Boog Blog Bleeg?"
And she gives me THAT LOOK, which makes her seem 14 instead of 2, and very clearly enunciates, "Dada, what are you talking about?!"


1 person marked this as a favorite.

Couple years ago I did a Summer Camp thing for Five Year Olds. A kid took a toilet paper roll from arts and crafts and smuggled it in his shirt. The counselor catches him and pulls it out of his shirt.

I have no idea how that got there!

Liberty's Edge

11 people marked this as a favorite.

Some years back, when my daughter was in high school, I was about to drive her to her viola lesson. I had just won a prize from a radio station, so I told her that we would have to stop on the way so I could pick up my loot. Her eyes widened in excitement and she exclaimed, "You won a lute?!"

Only a musician...


8 people marked this as a favorite.

Impus Major: "Dad, is eating a human soul considered cannibalism?"


4 people marked this as a favorite.

Toddler Gersen: "Where is mama?"
Me: "Maybe she's hiding -- can you go find her?"
TG (shrugging exaggeratedly): "Where could she BE?"
Me: "In the bathroom?"
TG (touches mouth with forefinger): "Hmmm... maybe, in the wall!"
Me: "I don't think she's in the wall."
TG (touching foot): "In the sock?"
Me: "No, she's not in your socks! That's silly!"
TG: "In the dresser!"
Me: "No, probably not in the dresser."
TG (sniffing and touching diaper): "In the poopoo!!!!"


5 people marked this as a favorite.

And her confusion with pronouns continues to crack me up.
Yesterday (sitting on Mrs Gersen): "I sit in my lap!"


2 people marked this as a favorite.

This one's not even from someone who was a kid during my lifetime, but my uncle (currently age 63), who grew up in Wisconsin, thought until the age of seven or eight that the line in the US National Anthem "The land of the free/And the home of the brave" was actually "The Land of the free/And the home of the Braves" (as in the Milwaukee Braves baseball team). He later went on to become a politician.


5 people marked this as a favorite.

Impus Minor walks in and finds NobodysHome playing Rift

IM: Dad, why do you have a Beacon of Despair?
<short pause>
IM: As a pet?
NH: I like it. Doesn't everybody want despair?
IM: Oh... like the Xbox!


2 people marked this as a favorite.

And, in an astonishing turnaround, NobodysHome is tanking at the last minute in the race for the coveted Father of the Year award:

Impus Minor: Daaaaad! Impus Major is following me around, kicking me in the shins!
NobodysHome: Well, you probably deserve it, you little ingrate!

Scarab Sages

13 people marked this as a favorite.

My children to me pretty much every other day: I need [insert random item or food particle here].

Me: Well, I need a million dollars.

Fast forward to just the other night......

Me: Baby Girl, I need a hug.

Baby Girl: No Daddy, you just need a million dollars.


4 people marked this as a favorite.
Aberzombie wrote:

My children to me pretty much every other day: I need [insert random item or food particle here].

Me: Well, I need a million dollars.

Fast forward to just the other night......

Me: Baby Girl, I need a hug.

Baby Girl: No Daddy, you just need a million dollars.

"I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill."

- Emo Philips

Sounds like she's got something there.


5 people marked this as a favorite.
Aberzombie wrote:
My children to me pretty much every other day: I need [insert random item or food particle here].

That's Baby Gersen every 5 seconds or so, in response to nearly everything she sees. Which leads to comedy gold when we're at the grocery store and she yells "I need a beer!" or we meet one of Mrs Gersen's well-endowed mommy friends and she yells "I need boobies!"

Scarab Sages

1 person marked this as a favorite.
David M Mallon wrote:
Aberzombie wrote:

My children to me pretty much every other day: I need [insert random item or food particle here].

Me: Well, I need a million dollars.

Fast forward to just the other night......

Me: Baby Girl, I need a hug.

Baby Girl: No Daddy, you just need a million dollars.

"I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill."

- Emo Philips

Sounds like she's got something there.

Well, I did just win $100 on football pools this past weekend.....

Liberty's Edge

12 people marked this as a favorite.

I work at a high school, so I overhear lots of good stuff.

"If drama were soup, [SCHOOL NAME] could cure world hunger!"

While on bus duty, I overheard a group of students debating whether Superman could defeat Inspector Gadget. They seemed to consider the argument settled when one of them said, "Go go gadget Kryptonite!"

One day when I was on lunch duty, I saw something go flying across the cafeteria. I did not see who threw it, but I went to the table of the projectile's origin and said, "I don't know who I'm talking to here, but we don't like projectiles."
One student immediately piped up, "My name is Noman." Any kid who quotes The Odyssey in that circumstance is OK in my book.

Two female students were sitting and chatting while one was looking over her human biology handouts. She turned a page to reveal a detailed cross-section of the male anatomy. Her friend gave a small shriek and exclaimed, "How can you look at that?!"
"It's not hard." she answered, and flipped the page.
They then continued on as if nothing had happened.

MUST...MAINTAIN...POKER...FACE...


3 people marked this as a favorite.
Theconiel wrote:
I work at a high school, so I overhear lots of good stuff.

When I taught high school, the stuff I'd hear in the halls on Monday mornings would choke a goat.

Shadow Lodge

7 people marked this as a favorite.

My wee one is nearly 2 now. When my wife was trying to teach her the body parts she would point to each part on herself and our daughter and say the part. Every time daughter woke, up the first thing she would do is point to and name all of the parts she could remember. When this seemed to be going smoothly my wife decided to complicate things by pointing at her own chest and saying mom, in an attempt to get our daughter to call her mom. What this resulted in was our daughter pointing to her own chest while naming body parts and saying "mom".
She also picked up on my wife always telling our pets to get out of the way or telling them go away. One day I was out walking with our daughter and she saw a cat in our neighbors driveway. She proceeded to shout "You go away cat!" for several minutes until the cat left.
At my mom and dad's house we do dinner on Sundays with the whole family. My oldest nephew gets yelled at often. My daughter will walk by and give him a little pat on the knee as if to reassure him things will be okay. One time he got the @$$ chewing of a life time right in front of everyone. He then was forced to sit on a foot stool next to his mom to make sure he behaved the rest of the night. My daughter walks over to him and begins to talk in her little toddler babble talk, hands waggling and patting him on the shoulder. Eventually she stops, looks at him, scoots him over and takes a seat next to him. She then pats him on the knee and pauses to take a moment to collect her thoughts and starts back in. Even as bad as his night was going my nephew was smiling and laughing with the rest of us at this situation. He was 13 and she was only 18 months or so at the time.


4 people marked this as a favorite.

We took baby Gersen to the park yesterday; they had ponies, pigs, owls, and an emu on display (I was very proud that she was the only person -- adults included -- who correctly named the latter instead of saying "look at the ostrich!").

This morning I knew she was up when, from across the house, I heard her yell, "I put the emu in the MAILBOX!"

I have no idea where that came from, but apparently she found it hilarious; she proceeded to repeat that phrase more quietly and chuckle to herself as she got up.


5 people marked this as a favorite.

Mrs. Gersen (rhetorically): "What do you want to do today?"
Baby Gersen (very seriously): "Mama, I need to fly an airplane."


3 people marked this as a favorite.
Kirth Gersen wrote:

Mrs. Gersen (rhetorically): "What do you want to do today?"

Baby Gersen (very seriously): "Mama, I need to fly an airplane."

I'm reminded of something...


12 people marked this as a favorite.

NobodysHome: You took the big green umbrella?!?!? That's a GROUP umbrella! No wonder you're tired! You used that thing all the way home?
Impus Minor: Yes. But it's OK. I used it for good.

=====

Context for those as wants it:
It's a windy, rainy, stormy day here in the Bay Area. It's also pajama day. So imagine a bunch of poor middle schoolers trying to move about between classes in their pajamas in the pouring rain. Apparently Impus Minor, sprained ankle and all, hobbled about and used his massive umbrella (5' diameter) to help people across the courtyard, get people to their cars, etc. He was VERY popular.

But then he had to walk home, and the wind had its way with him. Apparently at one point the umbrella decided to meander into someone's back yard. But he persevered and made it home, umbrella and all.


4 people marked this as a favorite.

Good for him! And good on him for being so helpful to the other kids!

Shadow Lodge

8 people marked this as a favorite.

A couple weeks ago my friend brought his daughter over, same age as my toddler. At one point while the Pathfinder game was in full swing I heard the 2 of them roaring laughing behind me. We all stopped and looked. They each had a fist full of crayons. They would take turns pulling a crayon from each other's fist and putting in their own. They would both scream laughing, do that toddler jig, calm down and repeat.


Impus Major: Have you ever noticed that if you mispronounce anything badly enough, you can make it sound like an Italian accent?

Yeah, potato blight virus and Irishmen, mispronunciation and Italians... my boy's growing up to be a world-class Eurobasher.


7 people marked this as a favorite.

My brother a few years ago, he was 4 years, when he saw some runners at a competition who were wearing numbers:

«Mom, why do these people have a price tag?»


2 people marked this as a favorite.

Impus Major: Boy, I wish I could trade my kidney to the Devil for xxx.
Impus Minor: You can do that?!?!?
Impus Major: Nah, but wouldn't it be cool if you could?
Impus Minor: Yeah! That's why they gave you two kidneys!


7 people marked this as a favorite.

Kirth: "Did you sing 'happy birthday' at your friend's party today?"
Toddler Gersen (pointing to sippy cup): "No, I say 'happy birthday, cup.'"

Kirth: "Do you love your dada?"
Toddler Gersen: "No, I love mama. And mama's boobies. And mama's moles."
So, I'm officially lower on the scale of love than a skin condition.

Sovereign Court

7 people marked this as a favorite.

My daughter is almost four

Little Miss Elberion: I know five people who are silly
Me: Is daddy silly?
LME: No, only sometimes.
Me: So who is silly?
LME: Dadcu (welsh for Grandfather, my side), Auntie C, Grandad, chocolate button bear and sheepy (teddies). One, two, three, four, five.
Me: What about you?
LME: I'm never silly.


3 people marked this as a favorite.

(after finally getting her to watch "Monsters, Inc."):

Me: "Did you like the one-eyed monster or the kitty monster?"
Toddler Gersen: "No, I like the lizard monster."

Two years old and she's already rooting for the villain...

Scarab Sages

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Maps, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps Subscriber

I dont have kids but my friends have produced spawns the last few years so I have regular exposure and am quite popular due to being the 'cool' aunt.

So one of the kids was playing with some blocks and I noticed that he was building super straight, so I said: "great job! You are growing so big and you can do so many things, I am very very proud of you". After which he looked me straight in the eyes with that piercing blue gaze and replied: "I have a snot".
And I realize this is basically a summary of most of the conversations we have

Scarab Sages

3 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Maps, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps Subscriber

The kid climbs up on the couch next to me. Hugs me intensely. Sighs. Smiles. "You are so sweet. And *boops my nose* you look adórable. I will make you a nice cup of tea."
Wanders off.
It is time to check on all the breakable things.


All from me.

I will put it on the table so my brother cannot get it.
-Said about some toy that he wanted.

I'm not tired I'm just thinking.
-Before falling asleep. Said exclusively in the car.

Mom's an as
-First words ever written. I've never been a good speller.

We used to play a racing game on the Nintendo Gamecube which frequently used the song "Get Low" by Lil' John. It was censored I assume. Anyway, the start of the song sounded like:

Gnome. Gnome gnome gnome gnome gnome gnome. Gnome. Gn Gn Gn Gn Gnome, gni gna gni gna gni gnome, gni gni gnome gnome gnome.

Pretty sure I still thought that it was a song about gnomes when I was like twelve.


4 people marked this as a favorite.
Kirth Gersen wrote:

(after finally getting her to watch "Monsters, Inc."):

Me: "Did you like the one-eyed monster or the kitty monster?"
Toddler Gersen: "No, I like the lizard monster."

Two years old and she's already rooting for the villain...

Hey, she's not supposed to take over the world for at least nineteen years more!

Spoiler:
*looks on the current state of local and global affairs*

Never mind, carry on Toddler Gersen...


4 people marked this as a favorite.

This one's from a little while back. Some background...

At this time, the family had annual passes to Disneyland. Four months before they expired, my youngest had her birthday and went from two to three (when one is expected to begin paying admission for child tickets). Now, we weren't going to waste the last four months of those passes by leaving the little one behind, so we just kept telling the worker at the gate that she was two, figuring that if we renewed the passes, we'd buy her her own pass then. The little one was small enough that this didn't raise any eyebrows.

We thought that the Little One herself was oblivious to all of this until I overheard this exchange with one of her uncles one day...

Uncle: "So, didn't you just turn three, Little One?

Little One: "I'm three now, but I'm two at Disneyland!"

Oops...


2 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

I've been told that when I was a child I would point out in a mournful voice that "somebody died" every time an ambulance went by.

Shadow Lodge

2 people marked this as a favorite.

This is a me story.

I was about 10 at the time and one day it's pretty quiet in the house for a weekend. My little sister was asleep and my dad was at work. My mother and I are just reading in the living room when the quiet gets to her finally and she finally tells me "It's too quiet. Say something."

"...I see dead people."


1 person marked this as a favorite.

While visiting Mrs Gersen's family: "Mama, we need to fly to Houston and see dada. I don't like South Carolina anymore!"


5 people marked this as a favorite.

NobodysHome sits down with Impus Major to get started on the massive pile of make-up homework he's accumulated over a weekend wherein he did nothing
NobodysHome: So, Impus Major, you had a terrible weekend...
Impus Major: No, I had a GREAT weekend! A Muse concert! Miniature golfing! Go carts! And Pathfinder on Sunday! It was an awesome weekend!"

*SIGH*. Can't argue with that kind of logic!


2 people marked this as a favorite.

Paraphrased from the latest email from the adult-child: "Um, don't send that package to my suburban Seattle address. I moved to Louisiana a couple weeks ago and just hadn't told you yet. Here's some great pictures from my drive though!"


11 people marked this as a favorite.

At what is called a"beach" around here...

Teensy Valeros, four and a half, is throwing rock after rock into the water.
Me: Careful; you're going to wake up the Kraken.
Val: Really? Cool! (Throws biggest rock he can find with a big kerplunk.) HEY, KRAKEN! WAKE UP!


7 people marked this as a favorite.

Impus Minor walks into the room
NobodysHome: Hello, Evil Son of Satan!
Impus Minor (In a querulous voice): Dad?

Liberty's Edge

6 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Companion, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber

Ever since my son (now 13) was little, he has preferred to be barefoot or just in socks in the house - kicks off his shoes as soon as he walks in the door, refuses to wear slippers, etc.

He’s also a bit of a klutz.

He also received all the pain receptors his older sister didn’t get.

So from the moment he learned to walk, he stubbed his toes all. The. Time. And because he felt it, every time, he would start crying, demanding to be held, etc. It was very time-consuming.

I no longer remember where I got this idea - probably from Calvin's dad, as my primary fictional parenting role-model - but when he was around 2, I told him I had a secret that I could teach him and that would make his toe stop hurting when he stubbed it: "You have to grab the foot with the stubbed toe in the opposite hand, hop up and down, and say 'OOOO OOOO OOOO OOOO!' over and over again."

Even at 5, his older sister had enough experience with my fatherly advice to give me the side eye when she heard me tell him that, but she didn't say anything. He bought it, and even at 13, he still does it whenever he stubs his toe (which is still all the time).


6 people marked this as a favorite.

Toddler Gersen (about to turn 3): "Dada wants to sit down and watch Momana."
Me: "Okay, for a minute... but please stop kicking the table."
Toddler Gersen: "It's called a coffee table."
Me: "Stop kicking the coffee table. In fact, don't kick."
Toddler Gersen: "If you wear a dress and have a sidekick, you're princess."
Me: "That has nothing to with the table."
Toddler Gersen: "It's called a coffee table."
Me: "Well, at least you're not kicking it any more. Thank you."
Toddler Gersen: "You're not a wayfinder. You'll never be a wayfinder."


5 people marked this as a favorite.

On realizing he forgot to bring in his dinner:

Impus Major: Ajax has a burrito of mine in his minivan.
Hi: What?
Impus Major: Did I stutter?

It was delivered absolutely flawlessly.

We all got the giggles.

Then gave Hi permission to smack Impus Major.

201 to 250 of 353 << first < prev | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | next > last >>
Community / Forums / Gamer Life / Off-Topic Discussions / Funny S#$& My Kid Says All Messageboards

Want to post a reply? Sign in.