Funny S#$& My Kid Says


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Also from the other thread (clickable links):

Kirth Gersen wrote:
It's one of her favorite books! And Mrs Gersen and I like it because the titular character looks suspiciously like Little Steven from the E Street Band.


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Holy crap, that fish really does look like Little Steven!

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32

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A few years ago, I was at work, the phone rang and I could see it was my 15yo daughter, who was home from school that day. Normally she likes to ramble and I can just do some work while she talks about nothing very important. So I'm unprepared for this.

Me: "Hello?"
Her: "Dad, nobody's hurt and the fire's out."
Me: "... You have my attention."


Christopher Dudley wrote:

A few years ago, I was at work, the phone rang and I could see it was my 15yo daughter, who was home from school that day. Normally she likes to ramble and I can just do some work while she talks about nothing very important. So I'm unprepared for this.

Me: "Hello?"
Her: "Dad, nobody's hurt and the fire's out."
Me: "... You have my attention."

Has EVERY father heard that one?

At least your daughter was 15. I got that call when my older one was 11...


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Mine is not quite two and doesn't talk yet, but she HAS reached the point where seeing other people get hurt in somewhat dramatic fashion (falling, hitting one's head, etc.) is hilariously funny.


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Baby Gersen has been at that stage since the age of about 9 months or so. Her current favorite games are: (a) two of her stuffed animals get in a "fight" and end up flying up in the air and landing all over the house, or (b) I build a giant tower of blocks or books or whatever and she demolishes it like Godzilla.

In both cases, she says the same thing: (Arms outstretched forward, palms up): "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


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That is allot of emphasis, good lungs on that one so it seems. :)


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So, I've mentioned before that Impus Major does brilliant PowerPoints.

In his Spanish class, his group was assigned to do a "healthy eating" presentation. Unsurprisingly, they asked him to do the pictures.

So yeah, on the slide for "Healthy drinks", he immediately Googled for images of "Children's Tears".

That's my boy!


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Baby Gersen still isn't talking, but I've been reading her a dinosaur book (and inventing all kinds of noises for them), which she enjoys. The other day I found her stalking around the kitchen, hunched over like a T-rex, and making those same noises. Evidently she now thinks she can turn into a dinosaur?

Silver Crusade

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My brother, last night:

"If I needed a flim flam man, [lucky7], I'd just ask you!"


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Kirth Gersen wrote:
Baby Gersen still isn't talking, but I've been reading her a dinosaur book (and inventing all kinds of noises for them), which she enjoys. The other day I found her stalking around the kitchen, hunched over like a T-rex, and making those same noises. Evidently she now thinks she can turn into a dinosaur?

Nope. You just taught her how to talk. Problems may ensue...


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Quote:
Math Text: How do you think Dwayne explained his method of writing the equation to Wade?

Impus Major, in his best Galaxy Quest voice: Slowly, as you would a child!


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On being told that we are going to an opera as part of his school's choir trip:

Impus Major: Ah, perfect! The opera! That way you can get killed on our way home and I can become half-Batman!


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Impus Major: So, if Disneyland has California Adventure, does Disney World have Florida Adventure, where drunken rednecks try to pick fights with you and go around wrestling crocodiles?


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You can tell him, straight from the mouth of a Floridian: We do. I wrestled a crocodile just this morning, despite that there aren't any crocodiles for hundreds or possibly thousands of miles. I really just needed a change from my regular alligator wrestling.


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NobodysHome wrote:

Impus Major: So, if Disneyland has California Adventure, does Disney World have Florida Adventure, where drunken rednecks try to pick fights with you and go around wrestling crocodiles?

This would be amazing. Disney should look into this.


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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber

Have you tried cow tipping, I hear there's a lot of skill crossover. :-)


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thegreenteagamer wrote:
You can tell him, straight from the mouth of a Floridian: We do. I wrestled a crocodile just this morning, despite that there aren't any crocodiles for hundreds or possibly thousands of miles. I really just needed a change from my regular alligator wrestling.

I was going to correct him, but I looked it up and there is a crocodile native to Florida. No one ever sees it, though, because of all the d**ned alligators slinking around.


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NobodysHome wrote:
Impus Major: So, if Disneyland has California Adventure, does Disney World have Florida Adventure, where drunken rednecks try to pick fights with you and go around wrestling crocodiles?

What is wrong with your kid?! That's not Florida Adventure!

I'm offended at that gross mischaracterization!

(Florida Adventure would be where you slather yourself in sunscreen with the obnoxiously white paste on your nose, walk into massive swarms made out of other massive swarms made out of mosquitoes, and enter into struggle over who's able to park closest to the thing you're shopping at while driving as slowly as humanly possible down the road, and making sure to - if you're including anything in the greater Miami area - gridlock traffic while speaking both Spanish and English poorly. Your son is thinking of Southern Georgia/Louisiana Adventure.)


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NobodysHome wrote:
all the d**ned alligators slinking around.

Okay, I knew that yarn bombing was a growing trend, but who knew you could do surgery with knitting needle?!

/going really far for a swear-word/by-word "misunderstanding" joke...


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NobodysHome wrote:

Impus Major: So, if Disneyland has California Adventure, does Disney World have Florida Adventure, where drunken rednecks try to pick fights with you and go around wrestling crocodiles?

The answer is No, but only because in much of Florida outside of Disney World, drunken rednecks picking fights is a too common occurrence for Disney to monetize. I have personally never been drunk enough to see a crocodile in Florida, but after decades around frequently drunk Floridians, it definitely sounds plausible.


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NobodysHome wrote:
thegreenteagamer wrote:
You can tell him, straight from the mouth of a Floridian: We do. I wrestled a crocodile just this morning, despite that there aren't any crocodiles for hundreds or possibly thousands of miles. I really just needed a change from my regular alligator wrestling.

I was going to correct him, but I looked it up and there is a crocodile native to Florida. No one ever sees it, though, because of all the d**ned alligators slinking around.

Not anymore there isn't. I wrestled it. I'm typing this, so obviously I won.


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Ok, here's a stupid thing I said as a kid.

Mom:Dinners ready!
Me:But mom...
Mom:What?
Me:I'm to hungry to eat!


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thegreenteagamer wrote:
NobodysHome wrote:
thegreenteagamer wrote:
You can tell him, straight from the mouth of a Floridian: We do. I wrestled a crocodile just this morning, despite that there aren't any crocodiles for hundreds or possibly thousands of miles. I really just needed a change from my regular alligator wrestling.

I was going to correct him, but I looked it up and there is a crocodile native to Florida. No one ever sees it, though, because of all the d**ned alligators slinking around.

Not anymore there isn't. I wrestled it. I'm typing this, so obviously I won.

dinner at your place, then.


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Not entirely his fault, but hilarious nonetheless:

NobodysWife and I were in the studio (an outbuilding) playing Rift. Impus Major was off singing Green Day at a choir concert. Impus Minor was in the house watching Mythbusters. (And for those not on FaWtL, he is nursing a broken arm.)

NobodysWife received a mysterious text from Impus Minor: "Mom! Help! I'm in love!"

We were amused and perplexed, since he could have just used the intercom or come out to talk to us, so NobodysWife got up and went in to see what had him so smitten.

It turns out he'd texted, "Mom! Help! I'm in pain!" and the flip-phone's helpful predictive text feature had replaced "pain" with "love".

We all got the giggles over that one.

A minor disclaimer:

I checked the phone, and the "p" and the "l" are different keys, so it couldn't have been entirely the phone's fault. Impus Minor made a typo, so it wasn't an angst-ridden phone, but rather clumsy fingers that changed "love" to "pain". Avoiding this little technicality makes for a better story, though.


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Sorry about his arm! Hope it gets better soon!


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DungeonmasterCal wrote:
Sorry about his arm! Hope it gets better soon!

Thanks! It's "fairly" routine -- he did need pins put in to hold the elbow in place, but the surgeon told me they do about 7 surgeries of that type a week, so it really is a daily occurrence in our area.

And don't get me started on kids and healing. He's got pins in his arm, and he's in a cast for FOUR weeks, then NO physical therapy afterwards, because, as the doctor puts it, "Ah, kids are active enough! He'll be using that arm enough once it's out of the cast he won't need any more."
As if to confirm this, I got an e-mail from his counselor that he's out on the courts playing basketball in his cast, barely two weeks after the break.

Compare that to my, "Six weeks in a cast, six weeks of physical therapy" when I broke my wrist in my 30's, and it's, "Darn you kids and your fast healing abilities!"


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If it was a Kari Byron episode of Mythbusters I could see how the original text could be accurate.


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My youngest, watching a KC Undercover (Disney Channel comedy) episode where the main character is impersonating an artist at a gallery and creating "art" by slathering herself in paint and flinging herself at a wall. This came along with a very bemused look on her face:

"That is not how that works."

Ms. RB, myself and her sisters had a good laugh and complemented her on her good taste.


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A threefer on our trip:

NobodysHome: And there it is, guys; the General Sherman. The biggest living tree in the world.
Impus Major: Y'know, it's really sad.
NH: ???
IM: Well, there it is, the biggest tree in the whole entire world, and it couldn't even support a population of blue people...

==================

Impus Major: So, dad, how do sequoias reproduce by burning?
NobodysHome: Yes, yes, they do. (I'm obviously a good listener.)
IM: No, HOW do they reproduce?
NH: Oh, well, when the pine cones get heated up, they open up and they drop their seeds... WHOA! Check out the 'stache on that guy! (Pointing to a guy with a HUGE beard and a waxed fancy mustache)
IM: Does it reproduce by burning?

==================
Impus Minor, waxing philosophical: Y'know, Dad. This fire is like a celebrity's career. First it was nothing. Then we lit a spark, and it got really huge, and almost got out of control. Then it died down, and almost crashed into nothing, and we had to help it a little. And finally, after the crash, and with a little help, it stayed steady for a long time...


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NobodysHome: What day is it today?
Kids: ?? We don't know!
NobodysWife: What day is it?
NobodysHome: Oh, that's right, it's Friday the 9th.
Impus Major: Oh, so today is 9/11?

I don't know what they're teaching kids in school today, but recognizing dates certainly isn't part of the curriculum...


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Baby Gersen is now almost two, so actually a toddler, and is beginning to enjoy linguistics -- specifically, constructing sentences. She's also obsessed with Minions, so when she sees me with a pencil, she invariably cries, "Dada! Draw Bob! King Bob! Draw more Bob! Poochie Rat!"

Thankfully, she is sometimes inclined to more matter-of-fact utterances, rather than simple demands. Last night she dumped her water on the bed, then ran to get me and proudly explained, "Wawa! Big bed all wet."

Scarab Sages

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My awesome baby girl enjoys practicing for her future career as a super villain by doing her Romeo laugh (from Disney's PJ Masks).


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Pathfinder Companion, Maps Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber

My son laughing maniacally well I have to make a sanity roll in Pandemic Reign of Cthulhu.

Scarab Sages

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They love to mock our pain.

Scarab Sages

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My baby girl doesn't simply say her last name. It's always "The Abercrombie".


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Aberzombie wrote:
My baby girl doesn't simply say her last name. It's always "The Abercrombie".

"TREMBLE BEFORE ME, PUNY HUMANS! FOR I AM THE ABERCROMBIE!"?


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NobodysWife called Impus Major out to look at a spectacular cloud formation this morning.

Impus Major: "Whoa! It looks so realistic!"


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It's all special effects, I saw that one before in Up.

Scarab Sages

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Out of the blue, my baby girl mentioned an incident from a week or two back, when I stepped on a small garden snake on our front door mat.

My boy said, "I remember that. It was in the olden days."


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Aberzombie wrote:

Out of the blue, my baby girl mentioned an incident from a week or two back, when I stepped on a small garden snake on our front door mat.

My boy said, "I remember that. It was in the olden days."

Years ago, when my cousin (now age 21 or 22) was just entering the first grade, my uncle asked him about something that had happened in preschool (several months prior). My cousin answered him, but then followed up with "Yeah... those days are gone..."

Scarab Sages

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Thanks to a timely viewing of Phineas and Ferb's Night of the Living Pharmacist, my baby girl was walking around chanting "Lots of me".

Scarab Sages

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Baby girl was running around with her big brother's Power Ranger Gun. I asked her what it was.

Her response: "The Pew Pew"


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Aberzombie wrote:

Baby girl was running around with her big brother's Power Ranger Gun. I asked her what it was.

Her response: "The Pew Pew"

Has she been playing a lot of Fallout New Vegas lately? (That's the name of the unique laser pistol.)


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We had some drama yesterday afternoon, and I managed to misplace my iPad. It's somewhere in the house, but for the life of me I can't find it.

NobodysHome: OK, kids, after the stuff that happened yesterday afternoon, I can't find my iPad. Please keep an eye out for it.
Impus Major, in a Very Evil Voice: Aha, Dad! Now the tables have turned!

Scarab Sages

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My baby girl referred to her stuffed-animal Rudolph as her "precious".

Dark Archive

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I'm told that when I was a child in Kindergarten I came home one day and told my mom that I needed to tell the class what my parents liked doing. My mom told me a few things - watching Star Trek, making dinner for us, etc - before stating that she liked picking up "you guys" (my brother and I) from school, and going to the park. The following day on the drive home she asked what I told the class and I proudly proclaimed "I told them that my mom likes picking up guys at the park!"

I wish I could go back in time to see the look on my teacher's face that day.


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Toddler Gersen has somehow developed a relish for sparkling mineral water, of all things. She's also obsessed with "Minions" cartoons. And her enunciation and listening comprehension aren't fully developed yet.

The result is that she is constantly demanding "More minion water!"


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When a good friend of mine was about 11 or 12 (he's 24-25 now), his house burned down. As he and his mother were standing outside while the firefighters tried to put out the fire, he stood in silence for a while, then said:

"Well, I guess the only thing we can do right now is keep a positive mental attitude."

He's currently studying to be a social worker.


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Aberzombie wrote:
My baby girl referred to her stuffed-animal Rudolph as her "precious".

One Rudolph to rule them all.

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