Funny S#$& My Kid Says


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Liberty's Edge

spiral, tell your brother to take the batteries out, open the toy up, cut the wires and then put it back together.

I am still a terrible person, I know. Even if I can fix most toys.

He could also completely gut the thing, rip the electronics out and give it to her in a noiseless fashion.


You are awful.

Scarab Sages

snickersimba wrote:
....but I am a teenager...

I'm so very sorry to hear this. I remember the halcyon days of my teenager-ness, in the oh so long ago. I shall offer you sage advice -

Work hard. Never plan too much however, because then you risk the word premeditated coming into play.

snickersimba wrote:

I also have made it my duty to remove the batteries of any toy she gets so I can concentrate on my stuff. So I have a desk drawer full of batteries and broken toys she has given me. Im a terrible person, I know.

This would not make you a terrible person. Just think of it as practice for being a parent. I used to take the batteries out of my kids stuff all the time. It's a moral imperative.

Scarab Sages

While I was drying my primary fermentation bucket this morning, I was also watching my princess try to get into the locked cabinet under the kitchen sink....

Me: "Baby Girl, what are you doing?"

The Boy: "Is she in the bucket?"


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i don't even get my kids toys that require batteries:-)


Aberzombie wrote:
Work hard. Never plan too much however, because then you risk the word premeditated coming into play.

As a great sage once said, "Denny, don't plan too much, it might not come out right."

Scarab Sages

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Something funny, but which also falls under the heading of "phrases parents should dread hearing...."

The Boy (from downstairs): "We have a situation."


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My daughter's first word appears to be "Yea". It's the only thing she says consistently that sounds like anything coherent. It's darned funny sometimes when she inadvertantly inserts it into someone else's conversation.


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OK, this wasn't my *kid*, but this belongs here.

While I was getting my son's TV dinner out of the toaster oven sans mitts, he marveled that I could light my hand on fire, but the steam from the TV dinner was too much for me.

I proceeded to lecture him on the burning temperature of alcohol, pulled out the Everclear (my father stockpiled an entire case in the 1970's, and it's not like it goes bad), and proceeded to light my finger on fire for him.

Then I lit his finger on fire.

Then Impus Minor came in and wanted to see.

And all this time, the excess alcohol I'd been pouring over my and my son's fingers was dripping into the wastebasket...
...so I lit Impus Major's finger on fire...
...some burning alcohol dripped into the wastebasket...
...and we had a fun impromptu fire drill as the wastebasket went up like blazes!

At the end of it all, Impus Major quipped, "Geez, Dad! I can't believe you set the house on fire just to tell us about alcohol!"


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Aberzombie wrote:

Something funny, but which also falls under the heading of "phrases parents should dread hearing...."

The Boy (from downstairs): "We have a situation."

No...

...the greatest noise that causes quaking in the most stalwart of parenting hearts...

...that sends baby-sitters screaming into that dark, dark night...

Spoiler:
...is peaceful silence.


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NobodysHome wrote:

...the greatest noise that causes quaking in the most stalwart of parenting hearts...

...that sends baby-sitters screaming into that dark, dark night...

** spoiler omitted **

Because at that point you know you need to find the kid NOW or else the next thing you hear, whatever it is, will be very unpleasant.


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NobodysHome wrote:
Aberzombie wrote:

Something funny, but which also falls under the heading of "phrases parents should dread hearing...."

The Boy (from downstairs): "We have a situation."

No...

...the greatest noise that causes quaking in the most stalwart of parenting hearts...

...that sends baby-sitters screaming into that dark, dark night...

** spoiler omitted **

I dunno now that my Daughter is almost 11 the one i dread to hear is "When can i start dating?" hopefully its not for a while but i know i'm deluding myself there:-)

Also any time i fail at something my son is there with a helpful laugh and an "In your face Dad!" half the time it doesn't even apply! its always well timed comedically though:-p


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Readerbreeder wrote:
NobodysHome wrote:

...the greatest noise that causes quaking in the most stalwart of parenting hearts...

...that sends baby-sitters screaming into that dark, dark night...

** spoiler omitted **

Because at that point you know you need to find the kid NOW or else the next thing you hear, whatever it is, will be very unpleasant.

Oh, no... that sound has resulted in...

Spoiler:

...my brother and I running a hose through the window and filling the entire basement to a depth of 18", then emptying EVERY spice bottle in the house into it to make "poison soup". My father sat upstairs, blissfully unaware and happy that his kids were "playing quietly".

...An older sister giving her younger brother "a haircut".

...us locking our younger brother in the garage... then forgetting about him and leaving for 6 hours...

...my friend finding a screwdriver, looking at the oven, and COMPLETELY DISASSEMBLING IT over the course of a couple of hours...

Yeah, silence is NOT Golden!


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usually when i leave my kids alone "quietly" they're always up to Looney Tunes type shenanigans.

:
once i kept this container of cookies on top of the fridge thinking it was far too high for our tiny sweet little girl (i want to say she was 3, a very scarily competent 3 though) i went to do some empire stuff for a couple minutes and i came out, Penny sitting on the couch with the cookies and a big smile "That was easy!" she said. in the Kitchen were two chairs, a box, and our big container of coffee stacked haphazardly in front of the fridge


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Another time i let her watch Beavis and Butthead then accidentally left my cell phone out where she could see it.

so she calls Mom at work and tells her

"Dad let me watch Beavis and Butthead while you're at work"

Mom "Really?"

"Yeah they're calling everyone Cock knockers, you should see it"

Mom "Oh, I'm sure Dad will tell me all about it when i get home"


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thought this fit herr


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captain yesterday wrote:

Another time i let her watch Beavis and Butthead then accidentally left my cell phone out where she could see it.

so she calls Mom at work and tells her

"Dad let me watch Beavis and Butthead while you're at work"

Mom "Really?"

"Yeah they're calling everyone Cock knockers, you should see it"

Mom "Oh, I'm sure Dad will tell me all about it when i get home"

sold you out with nary a second thought.


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the two most played songs on my daughter's iPod?
The Happiest days of our Lives and Another Brick in the Wall Pt 2

Talk about full circle:-)

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16

When you can't read, this sign apparently means "No Boomerangs"

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16

Also, when you take kids to see the "giraffe talk" at Taronga Zoo they will be upset when the giraffe doesn't talk.


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captain yesterday wrote:
NobodysHome wrote:
Aberzombie wrote:

Something funny, but which also falls under the heading of "phrases parents should dread hearing...."

The Boy (from downstairs): "We have a situation."

No...

...the greatest noise that causes quaking in the most stalwart of parenting hearts...

...that sends baby-sitters screaming into that dark, dark night...

** spoiler omitted **

I dunno now that my Daughter is almost 11 the one i dread to hear is "When can i start dating?" hopefully its not for a while but i know i'm deluding myself there:-)

Uh... You expect your kids will ask for permission to date someone?!

Buhahahahaha!

Sorry... Couldn't resist...

Scarab Sages

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Upon seeing his new Batman washcloth, the boy informed me that he would be dreaming about Batman.....and some lemonade.

Earlier, whilst he was playing at being Captain America, he kept referring to his baby sister as "little old lady". I asked him "What do we do with little old ladies?" His response: "we beat them up."

Scarab Sages

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The other night, the boy informed me his leg was hurting, so it must be hungry.


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My son was about 6 or so and went as The Grim Reaper one year for Halloween. He was not coached in what to say or how to act, but he "glided" down the hallways of the building where were going door to door and when he'd knock on the door he'd hold up a skull-shaped plastic bucket w/out saying a word. When they put candy in he'd intone "You have been spared", and then glide down to the next door. Before going out he was also concerned over what sort of shoes Death should wear.


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This is a bit "adult" for the age range of kids we're normally talking about, but Impus Major really cracks off some amazing ones. For example, while researching "any organism" he got assigned the potato blight virus and the assignment was to list how that organism is helpful and/or harmful to mankind. So after listing various ways in which the potato blight virus is harmful, he stopped, thought for a bit, then came up with, "The potato blight virus is helpful because it kills Irishmen."

So he's 13, about to turn 14, but he's tiny (still fighting to reach 80 pounds) and acts like a kid. We never think about the fact that he's in a middle school where kids are doing their first "adult" explorations, even though he frequently comes home and talks about how foul-mouthed and "dirty-minded" many of his classmates are.

So imagine our surprise sitting around the dinner table with guests, discussing relationships and so forth, and we get:

PG-13:

"See? That just goes to show you once again that money can't buy you love."

Impus Major, strolling through the room, "Yeah, but it CAN buy you hookers!"

The look on my wife's face was priceless. I'm sure mine was as well.

Needless to say, our guests hit the floor laughing. I love my friends.

EDIT: I mean, I know it's been done, and I'm sure he heard it at school somewhere, but having your innocent-seeming 13-year-old who's never said anything remotely like that belt it out in front of dinner guests is something else entirely... Timing is everything!

Silver Crusade

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He should build his own theme park. With blackjack. Actually, forget the blackjack.


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lucky7 wrote:
He should build his own theme park. With blackjack. Actually, forget the blackjack.

He did. In Minecraft. And it was as expected. "And these rides murder the guests... and these rides are fun!"

I was struck by the fact that he put "murder the guests" ahead of "fun" on his list of priorities for a theme park...


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My son again - (I only have the one child) - was playing with the adults one night when he was about 9 or 10. Granted, by now he knew about the birds and the bees but not all the terminology. Just as the BBEG fight starts, his mom calls and wants to talk to him. I tell him to hurry because we're at the climax of the game. He takes the phone and says, "Can't talk now. We're climaxing!". Cue dead silence among the players for about 2 seconds before everyone collapses in hysterics. His mom then has to explain to him what he said could mean.

Scarab Sages

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The wife and I had to do a double take last night at dinner, because we both could have sworn the boy was complaining because another boy at daycare wouldn't share "the women".

Turns out, he was saying "the lemon."


Once again, not technically my *kid*, but...

I was at our corner store for one of my 3-4 times a week trips, but this time I actually used a cart and filled 3 shopping bags with various foodstuffs. The wonderful checker (the owner's wife, I believe) started asking me about my family, and was appalled to learn there were only 4 of us, since we're in the store so often.

I pointed out that Impus Major is 14, weighs 85 pounds, and eats 3000-4000 calories a day. I pointed to the bag of stuff for him (two frozen dinners, two pints of tomatoes, an avocado, and half a gallon of milk) and said, "For example, he'll eat everything in that bag as soon as he gets home this afternoon."

She cocked her eyebrow at me, so I re-looked at the bag...
...and saw the six-pack of beer at the bottom...


2 people marked this as a favorite.
NobodysHome wrote:

Once again, not technically my *kid*, but...

I was at our corner store for one of my 3-4 times a week trips, but this time I actually used a cart and filled 3 shopping bags with various foodstuffs. The wonderful checker (the owner's wife, I believe) started asking me about my family, and was appalled to learn there were only 4 of us, since we're in the store so often.

I pointed out that Impus Major is 14, weighs 85 pounds, and eats 3000-4000 calories a day. I pointed to the bag of stuff for him (two frozen dinners, two pints of tomatoes, an avocado, and half a gallon of milk) and said, "For example, he'll eat everything in that bag as soon as he gets home this afternoon."

She cocked her eyebrow at me, so I re-looked at the bag...
...and saw the six-pack of beer at the bottom...

This is funny S#$& my kid says, not funny S#$& I say.


Vod Canockers wrote:
NobodysHome wrote:

Once again, not technically my *kid*, but...

I was at our corner store for one of my 3-4 times a week trips, but this time I actually used a cart and filled 3 shopping bags with various foodstuffs. The wonderful checker (the owner's wife, I believe) started asking me about my family, and was appalled to learn there were only 4 of us, since we're in the store so often.

I pointed out that Impus Major is 14, weighs 85 pounds, and eats 3000-4000 calories a day. I pointed to the bag of stuff for him (two frozen dinners, two pints of tomatoes, an avocado, and half a gallon of milk) and said, "For example, he'll eat everything in that bag as soon as he gets home this afternoon."

She cocked her eyebrow at me, so I re-looked at the bag...
...and saw the six-pack of beer at the bottom...

This is funny S#$& my kid says, not funny S#$& I say.

He was posting for his dad, then. Still legit!


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My nephew, upon saying goodbye to my wife and I, yells across a parking lot, "I love you uncle [my real name redacted]!"

My wife (to whom he is blood related, unlike me) asks, "what about me?"

Nephew, "Oh I love you too uncle [her name]"

Her - facepalm
Me - beaming with moment of pride as I am the obvious favorite.

(That was a couple years ago, and she is now recognized as auntie, but I'm still the first one given a running excited hug upon visitation.)


thegreenteagamer wrote:
Vod Canockers wrote:
NobodysHome wrote:

Once again, not technically my *kid*, but...

I was at our corner store for one of my 3-4 times a week trips, but this time I actually used a cart and filled 3 shopping bags with various foodstuffs. The wonderful checker (the owner's wife, I believe) started asking me about my family, and was appalled to learn there were only 4 of us, since we're in the store so often.

I pointed out that Impus Major is 14, weighs 85 pounds, and eats 3000-4000 calories a day. I pointed to the bag of stuff for him (two frozen dinners, two pints of tomatoes, an avocado, and half a gallon of milk) and said, "For example, he'll eat everything in that bag as soon as he gets home this afternoon."

She cocked her eyebrow at me, so I re-looked at the bag...
...and saw the six-pack of beer at the bottom...

This is funny S#$& my kid says, not funny S#$& I say.
He was posting for his dad, then. Still legit!

LOL! My dad's been dead for 6 years. Pretty creepy if he's running around posting on Paizo!

I think it was a legitimate smackdown...


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This is a call back to the earlier discussion to noise making toys, etc.

As an uncle, I buy my nephews and nieces those on purpose, to get back their parents for times they snored as kids when sharing a room, followed us around insisting my friends were there's too, broke a toy, or otherwise annoyed the living crap out of me as a kid.

I wait until the kid's eyes light up with joy, present the free batteries, and the kid loves the toy so much mom or dad would be seen as a bad guy for taking it away, and then....then I whisper to mom or dad exactly what infractions lead to this particular revenge.

Being an uncle is so much better than being a parent, and that might be my favorite among dozens of reasons why.


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You! YOU did this to me! It's been years since I've gotten a decent night's sleep!

C'mon kids it's time to spend the weekend at the fun uncle's house, don't forget to forget your sleeping bag, lose your sleepy time comfort animal as soon as you get there, and perhaps most importantly here's a secret stash of candy, remember wait until after you've announced you lost your toothbrush, but before he exhaustedly tries to get you to sleep :-)

Shadow Lodge

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I don't remember the age I was but I once asked my mom what is was like to ride dinosaurs with the cowboys and Indians. I also asked her what it was like when the dinosaurs died off. It's a wonder I am alive today. I can't wait for my daughter to start talking but she is only 11 weeks old today so... might be a bit.


captain yesterday wrote:

You! YOU did this to me! It's been years since I've gotten a decent night's sleep!

C'mon kids it's time to spend the weekend at the fun uncle's house, don't forget to forget your sleeping bag, lose your sleepy time comfort animal as soon as you get there, and perhaps most importantly here's a secret stash of candy, remember wait until after you've announced you lost your toothbrush, but before he exhaustedly tries to get you to sleep :-)

Reason 2 Being an uncle > being a dad. Uncles can say no, I don't feel like watching them tonight...

Any. Time. We. Want!

And if you ever pull that, good luck getting us to babysit when you desperately need a night out. Mwahahahahaha!


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I could write a whole master's thesis on the superiority of unclehood to fatherhood.


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Not mine (I have no spawn) but the eldest child of a neighbor of my mom's when she was younger (regarding me):

"I like him - he's fluffy."

This quickly led to my comparison to teddy bears and the nickname a few of my nieces still refer to me as - Uncle Teddy.


Quoted from my friend's (at the time) rather sheltered 14 year old while his mother was picking him up from a Sunday School class. "Hey mom! How's it hanging?"


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Tiny T-Rex spilled some milk on my copy of the Absalom book and just cried and cried, i told him it was okay, no problem, etc, etc. after calming down he said "You're really not mad?" i said "No! these things happen, it's all good" he said, visibly relieved "Thats good, i thought you were gonna bust your balls!"

cleaning off the book had to wait until i could stop laughing, which took awhile:-p


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thegreenteagamer wrote:
I could write a whole master's thesis on the superiority of unclehood to fatherhood.

Being an Uncle is okay, but i'll take the unabashed and unconditional worship and love of my own children any day of the week/year/life:-p

Its always nice to have young people around to keep you feeling young:-p

i have plenty more parenthood cliches i can go through, if you want:-p


captain yesterday wrote:
thegreenteagamer wrote:
I could write a whole master's thesis on the superiority of unclehood to fatherhood.

Being an Uncle is okay, but i'll take the unabashed and unconditional worship and love of my own children any day of the week/year/life:-p

Its always nice to have young people around to keep you feeling young:-p

i have plenty more parenthood cliches i can go through, if you want:-p

Untill they become teenagers and then hate you all the time :)


Dko wrote:
captain yesterday wrote:
thegreenteagamer wrote:
I could write a whole master's thesis on the superiority of unclehood to fatherhood.

Being an Uncle is okay, but i'll take the unabashed and unconditional worship and love of my own children any day of the week/year/life:-p

Its always nice to have young people around to keep you feeling young:-p

i have plenty more parenthood cliches i can go through, if you want:-p

Untill they become teenagers and then hate you all the time :)

And I already hate teenagers (have since I was one myself many a year ago), so yeah, there's that. I can write off my niece who turned sixteen for four years and check back in on her when she's gained a modicum of sanity.


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The only thing worse than being hated by teenagers is being loved by them.

My "kids' game" stands at 6 players, with a line out the door because I won't run for more than 6.

Even yelling at them to get out of my onions doesn't drive them away!


thegreenteagamer wrote:
And I already hate teenagers (have since I was one myself many a year ago), so yeah, there's that. I can write off my niece who turned sixteen for four years and check back in on her when she's gained a modicum of sanity.

It's funny because I heard about a study the other day that basicaly concluded that Teenagers are technically insane.

Scarab Sages

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My son, when asked his full name, will tell you. When asked his sister's full name, he gets the first and last ones correct, but then provides her with his middle name.


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When my nephew was small, he couldn't say Chicago, it would come out as Codger. So we would watch the Codger Cubs, the Codger Bears, the Codger White Sox, etc on TV.

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