Funny S#$& My Kid Says


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Scarab Sages

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Feel free to leave something:

This morning, on the drive to daycare, the Pat Benetar song "Hit me with your best shot" was playing. My boy insisted she actually said "pet shop" instead of "best shot".

Occasionally, when we are outside, he will look up at the sky and start calling out to Arc Vader.


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Children have the best misheard song lyrics. I used to think that "You can't always get what you want" was actually "you can't always kick a chihuahua." My daughter, whenever the Maroon 5 song Animals comes on, always says "He wants to be like an animal. That's silly!"

Silver Crusade

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My wife and I were at the cabin with our nephew (3.5 y.o.). We were packing up and getting ready to go and I was waiting outside the outhouse for him to finish his business. When I heard the toilet flush I asked him if he was done and if I could come in. "Yes," he said, so I walked in and asked him if he washed his hands.

"No, I washed my wenis!"

"What?" I asked, momentarily confused.

"I washed my WENIS!" He dropped his pants and pointed so I would understand.

"Good job," I said, chuckling, "now let's wash your hands."


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My son, around 12 or so, told me he loved me but he didn't know if was love or Stockholm Syndrome.


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This was a sweet, final night-night exchange between myself and my 2-year-old daughter a few weeks ago:

Me: Okay, sweet girl, its’ time for sleep. I love you. See you in the morning.
her: Daddy?
Me: Yes, sweetheart?
her: We don’t eat boogers!
Me: *sigh*
her: … I set it on the ground.


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Mine doesn't talk yet. I'm waiting for gems like these to present themselves.


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Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Starfinder Society Subscriber

My half-sister had a real gem when she was little (maybe 3 years old?). She announced to her mom, "I love you, Mommy, but I love Daddy more."

Scarab Sages

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Serisan wrote:
Children have the best misheard song lyrics. I used to think that "You can't always get what you want" was actually "you can't always kick a chihuahua." My daughter, whenever the Maroon 5 song Animals comes on, always says "He wants to be like an animal. That's silly!"

There's a song associated with Jake and the Neverland Pirates, called Hot Lava. For the longest time, the boy referred to it as Hobba Wabba.

He also referred to Harold the Hopicopter from Thomas the Train.

Scarab Sages

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The other day, the boy asked his mother if he had a wife.


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^^ I think this is an astute question. I mean, a guy needs to know whether he has a wife or not. That's serious business.


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My then-eleven or twelve year old son once told me that he "isn't afraid of the po po."

I believe he'd wet himself if approached by mall security. :P


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There's an apocryphal story in my family that's been applied to both me at age 4, and my cousin at age 4:

4-year-old: "Can I get a dog?"
Father: "No, not right now."
4-year-old: "Can I get a dog after you're dead?"

My other cousin, around age 5 at the time (he's now 20), upon being presented with a pair of hand-me down pants, once proclaimed that they were "very comfortable, and useful too."


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Oh, if we're going to talk about things *WE'VE* said over the years, I have some real gems.

On being forced to write a thank-you note for a $5 bill:
"Dear Mrs. xxx. Thank you for the money. I will use it to buy a new mother."

On being forced to write a thank-you note for receiving a box of socks with two candy bars in it (not my best Christmas):
"Dear xxx. Thank you for the candy and socks. They were delicious."

On being harassed by my father about the amount of time I spent doing martial arts and gaming instead of focusing on my schoolwork:
"Why don't you just get out of my life!!!"
*** long pause... considering ***
"...except to feed me. And give me money!"


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Then six-year-old stepson in the pool at grandparents' house:

"We're not ready for hard-core Marco Polo!"


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No matter how quietly i mutter or how loud the radio is my 3.5 year old son hears every word. So after i mutter something like "watch where you're going jerk!" my son is shouting loudly immediately afterward "Yeah, Jerk! Where'd you learn how to drive? Clown College!"


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When my son was one i jokingly asked my daughter (who was 8 then) if we should let him watch Barney, she said "ugh! He's such a Douche Bag!" he still hasn't seen Barney:)


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both my kids (ages 10 and 3.5) will not Hamburgers unless you call them Krabby Patties, even going out to eat, on the plus side you know the waiter or server are cool if they know what they're talking about when they order it:p

Scarab Sages

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Somehow, a discussion about a bear turned into a comment on flying a rocket or a plane to Heaven.


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My daughter, explaining why she started a Spy Network at school "that D#$%$ead (the interim principle) is trying to turn it into a prison! I cant stand for that!" the network is still going strong!


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My Wife, in trying to get the younger one to eat his veggies told him "They help clean out the body"
Now whenever he eats a Vegetable he proudly and helpfully proclaims "I'm cleaning my Butt now!"


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captain yesterday wrote:

My Wife, in trying to get the younger one to eat his veggies told him "They help clean out the body"

Now whenever he eats a Vegetable he proudly and helpfully proclaims "I'm cleaning my Butt now!"

Probably what I would say as well. :)

Scarab Sages

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The boy: Chickens can't swim, right?


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Younger Brother: I want to play with that!

Older Sister: Well God wants Unicorns but you don't see any of those prancing around the woods now do you

Younger Brother: i want a Unicorn!


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My son around thanksgiving said "I'm a Tyrannosaurus! that dances!"

Scarab Sages

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My boy from last night as we were about to brush his teeth:

"Turtle tooth brush is good, but shredder and footbot toothbrushes is bad."


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Because my Wife is an Artist our Son has discovered how to get out of trouble, for the last month or so whenever he makes a mess that is discovered, he stands over it, smiles hopefully and asks "Do you like my Masterpiece? i made it for you" works. every. time:-D

Liberty's Edge

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Huh.

When I tried that on my Mother she critiqued it and made me clean it up and try again.


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As I walked through the door, my two youngest flew past. All I heard was the little one screaming, 'NO THEY'RE MY PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS!' I still have no idea what was going on. He was bare ass naked at the time.


JonGarrett wrote:

As I walked through the door, my two youngest flew past. All I heard was the little one screaming, 'NO THEY'RE MY PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS!' I still have no idea what was going on. He was bare ass naked at the time.

He wanted his pants back? (taken by to other sibling)

Scarab Sages

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My kid's favorite thing these days seems to be telling us "I told ya" for pretty much everything. Even if he did not, in fact, tell us.

Scarab Sages

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For example:

Me: "Boy! Where are your shoes?"

Boy: "I don't know."

Me (after a brief search): "Here they are, over by the bench."

Boy: "I told ya."

Scarab Sages

Mom, my tiger farted on me. It was stinky.

Dark Archive

Aberzombie wrote:
Mom, my tiger farted on me. It was stinky.

Is your son's name Calvin?


Cr500cricket wrote:
Aberzombie wrote:
Mom, my tiger farted on me. It was stinky.
Is your son's name Calvin?

Or Christopher?

Scarab Sages

Nope, but it does start with a "C".


Calex wrote:
Cr500cricket wrote:
Aberzombie wrote:
Mom, my tiger farted on me. It was stinky.
Is your son's name Calvin?
Or Christopher?

My parents never read me that Winnie the Pooh book...


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DungeonmasterCal wrote:
My son, around 12 or so, told me he loved me but he didn't know if was love or Stockholm Syndrome.

That's an endemic mutual affliction in many families, DC.


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Even though my daughter can't talk yet, we already get some of the best "What the heck?" looks and eye-rolls.


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GregH wrote:
Calex wrote:
Cr500cricket wrote:
Aberzombie wrote:
Mom, my tiger farted on me. It was stinky.
Is your son's name Calvin?
Or Christopher?
My parents never read me that Winnie the Pooh book...

Neither did mine. I read them myself.

Scarab Sages

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My boy's attempt to say New York city, came out suspiciously sounding like New Orc city. I suppose the gamer in me is rubbing off on him.


Aberzombie wrote:
My boy's attempt to say New York city, came out suspiciously sounding like New Orc city. I suppose the gamer in me is rubbing off on him.

We are proud of our Orcish population.


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Freehold DM wrote:
Aberzombie wrote:
My boy's attempt to say New York city, came out suspiciously sounding like New Orc city. I suppose the gamer in me is rubbing off on him.
We are proud of our Orcish population.

In new York they say I'm Orcish, in Miami they say I'm Hobgoblin, and in LA they say I'm Tiefling.


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My son, around 3, was walking around the house talking softly to himself. My friend asked what he was doing and he replied, "Don't bother me. I'm doing rapid calculations.".


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DungeonmasterCal wrote:
My son, around 3, was walking around the house talking softly to himself. My friend asked what he was doing and he replied, "Don't bother me. I'm doing rapid calculations.".

If he starts building something, be afraid, be very afraid.

Scarab Sages

The boy at 5:30-ish this morning....

"Poing" is almost a good word.


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My 6-year-old daughter, after finishing the end of a book she read to me for homework:

"Well, that was anticlimactic."

Scarab Sages

"Do you want bowl face?"

Liberty's Edge

I don't have kids, but I am a teenager, I do have my moments with my three year old cousin.

Mostly threats of duct taping her mouth shut.

I also have made it my duty to remove the batteries of any toy she gets so I can concentrate on my stuff. So I have a desk drawer full of batteries and broken toys she has given me. Im a terrible person, I know.


Snickersimba, that's awful... :(


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Hehehee. I once bought a riding vehicle for my niece for Christmas. It had bells and whistles and all sorts of noisemakers. My brother heard her having rather noisy fun and said "You do know I work nights!" He waited til she started watching a program with her brother and took out the batteries. She found them and put them back in as soon as he went to bed.

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