Greetings people of the board!
So,my friend is DMing an adventure about a wedding between a princess from a scheming kingdom, and a minotaur general from a militaristic minotaur-ruled, Rome-alike, kingdom.
Weird setting aside, my character will be the Master Chef in this wedding, and it is his responsability to supervise the others chefs. My character will be an alchemist who will behave like the Gordon Ramsay Meme, insulting almost everything the NPCs cooks do. And to make it funnier, I would like help coming up with funny or unusual insults using the pathfinder rules or setting.
Something along those lines: "This chicken is so raw, that a Wizard tried to make it his familiar!"
"This meat is so cooked, that it put the barbarian into a rage!"
"This soup is so bad, that a cleric would have to cast purify food to eat it!"
Anyone else have a funny idea?
-Roxx
"This meat is so tough, you'd need Cleave to cut it!"
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"This chicken is sow raw only an almiraj would eat it!"
"This is so horrible a Zombie wouldn't eat it!"
"Are we is Geb? NO you fool! Real live people are going to be eating this. If you bring me raw (any dish)I will make you eat it!"
"A Hag could make a better soup than you!"
"We are not cooking for Goblins! Get it right or so help me I will fed you to a Goblin?"
"I have (met, killed, cooked, smelled, ect)Ogres that smelled better than the culinary travesty you are creating."
"I am think you are in the wrong career field. Have you considered the Thieves Guild they poison people too!"
"Do you want to go tell the King this is what you will be serving?"
"One more dish like this and you will be the food taster!" you should throw the dish at this person.
"I have a friend out there and he will be eating this. Burnt meat reminds him of the Red Dragon that burnt down his village. This will make him very angry and when he gets angry axes embed themselves in peoples heads. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
"You do understand that nobles can afford assassin right?"
"I think the minotaur's will be less offended if we serve them grass."
And you are an Alchemist you could if they screw up or don't move fast enough threaten to throw bombs at them. Though bombs hurt a lot so actually throw spoons or plates.
"If I wanted a meat this tough, I WOULD HAVE HIRED A MEDUSA!"
"This dish is so bad, that a paladin tried to smite it!"
"What are you doing? Even a follower of Urgathoa would not eat this s$~!!"
Much amusement for this topic.
My contributions:
I thought I hired a sous chef, not an Oenopion ooze-wrangler!
You DO realize we're trying to serve the food to the diners, not the diners to the food don't you?!
Pay attention! Averting your gaze is for medusas, not cooking, you fool!
Are you a necromancer? Because I can't tell if you are planning on cooking that or animating it!
...no, that was NOT a suggestion, no one wants to eat an animated chicken that delivers itself you fool! - and no, food that goes away from channeled positive energy is NOT diet food.
Where did you learn to cook, Oenopion? ... no? must be the Daggermark Guild then BECAUSE THIS FOOD WILL KILL SOMEONE!
-TimD
"This is disgusting! I don't know if you noticed, but we aren't cooking for Kuthite masochists!"