DM says / DM means


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Sissyl wrote:

DM says: "She comes up close and whispers to you 'why don't we go somewhere more... private'"

DM means: "You've been hitting on everything vaguely female with a pulse (and in one case, without), here's a succubus for you to play with."

DM sez: "You see a beautiful scantily clad woman chained to the dungeon wall"

DM means: "More succubus!"

(This is where genre savvy is valuable)

DM sez: "I want to run a super low magic E6 campaign."
DM means: "Stuff like teleport hurts my brain, I can only think linearly. Besides if I let you guys have too much power you might escape from the railroad I have set up. So suck it, I am entirely in control."

Silver Crusade

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DrDeth wrote:

DM sez: "You see a beautiful scantily clad woman chained to the dungeon wall"
DM means: "More succubus!"

There's a reason the heroes of yore tended to be celibate knights.

Far too much peril.


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Spook205 wrote:
DrDeth wrote:

DM sez: "You see a beautiful scantily clad woman chained to the dungeon wall"
DM means: "More succubus!"

There's a reason the heroes of yore tended to be celibate knights.

Far too much peril.

Can't I have just a little bit of peril?


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Thomas Long 175 wrote:
Spook205 wrote:
DrDeth wrote:

DM sez: "You see a beautiful scantily clad woman chained to the dungeon wall"
DM means: "More succubus!"

There's a reason the heroes of yore tended to be celibate knights.

Far too much peril.

Can't I have just a little bit of peril?

No! It is too perilous.


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Always, off to Monty Python land....

http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=673

http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=906


DrDeth wrote:

Always, off to Monty Python land....

http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=673

http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=906

I may be young, but I can appreciate a classic ;) Now I have to read that entire webcomic a 5th time. Thanks for that btw.


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From recent real games:
DM Says (with a sigh) : If you take the Ring of Evasion I guess your PC will never get hurt again
DM Means: Please, take it and lower your touch AC before the next dungeon, which is chock full of ghosts and other touch attackers!

DM Says (to 2nd level PCs without magic weapons): You see two shadowy shapes emerge from the cave wall and begin to move towards you.
DM Means: It is time for you to leave this dungeon right now.

DM Says: Do you lift the vase?
DM Means : Please, please lift the vase so my awesome trap can go off!

I actually caught onto the vase thing in a recent adventure and decided to use an elaborate solution involving a spear, twine, fishing hooks, and a fishing net to get objects out of vases full of sand without lifting them or sticking my hand in them. The objects ended up being gems. The DM later confirmed that party members probably would have died if I had tipped a vase.


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GM Says: Does everyone remove their armor before sleeping in this totally safe inn miles from town?
GM Means: I hate your OP untouchable tank, and I love assassins...
or
GM Means: I hate your OP Crafting Wizard with double WBL and I love Thieves...

GM Says: The Roc succeeds against your handle animal check and your slumber Hex.
GM Means: NO! You cannot have a full sized Roc to fly around in! No matter what your handle animal is!


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GM Says: Does everyone have a Ring of Sustenance?
GM Means: If not, better hope you remembered to buy rations, because we're going to the desert.


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GM Says: Wait you what?
GM Means: What do you mean my awesome X didn't cripple the player?!

GM Says: I'm just going to call it.
GM Means: I better end this before the player points out the REAL rules.

GM Says: You don't find anything.
GM Means: No really, there's nothing valuable here. Please stop rolling perception checks. I know you're expecting loot but you're not getting it.

Liberty's Edge

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Starfinder Superscriber

GM Says: You don't find it.
GM Means: There really isn't a secret door. I'm just screwing with you.

(First time I did this, ages ago, the player noticed, "hey, he said 'you don't find it'!" and kept searching carefully. Nowadays (and not even with the same players), it's just accepted that that's what I say....)


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GM says: He's willing to offer you more money than you can ever imagine.
GM means: All aboard the monorail! Final destination is backstabbing town.


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DM says (to a paranoid player who just rolled to check for traps): You don't see any traps.
DM means: There aren't any traps, but I know you seem to think every room is loaded with them, so enjoy your uncertainty.

DM says (to a player that has just seen a trap go off and decided to check for others): You don't see any traps.
DM means: There are traps here, better have someone with good saves go first.

DM says: The dog has shifty eyes.
DM means: I'm getting tired of you insisting on rolling sense motive every time you interact with anyone, so now I'm just messing with you.

All from times I've run games


Thomas Long 175 wrote:
krevon wrote:

DM says: The campaign will be highly lethal

DM means: I'm going to kill off more characters than George RR Martin
George R.R. Martin killed off a lot of characters? Ha! Saw more character deaths in a 4 month campaign than since the beginning of his series!

The HBO series doesn't do the books justice.


krevon wrote:
Thomas Long 175 wrote:
krevon wrote:

DM says: The campaign will be highly lethal

DM means: I'm going to kill off more characters than George RR Martin
George R.R. Martin killed off a lot of characters? Ha! Saw more character deaths in a 4 month campaign than since the beginning of his series!
The HBO series doesn't do the books justice.

I've never seen the series. I only read the books.


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DM says: I'm going to open up alignments for a different feel to the game
DM means: Please stop throwing lizardfolk babies into a resetting lightning bolt trap, I just thought you guys would like to try something new.

*True story, I had a group kill all the male lizardfolk and then were trying to disarm a trap by throwing lizardfolk babies at it.*


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Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

DM says: Would anyone else like to make a Perception check?
DM means: There's a secret door there that's critical to the story. Would somebody please roll above a 2 so we can get on with it?


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GM says: "Sorry, but no way. That's not realistic."
GM means: "I hate fantasy roleplaying and everything about it. Can we please play Warhammer now?"


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Dm says: This merchant has every magic item in the game. But he is an ancient golden dragon. I designed him so that if you manage to kill him, you deserve all the stuff he has.

Dm means: Had to make a way so that you couldn't easily steal everything in a magic shop of magicness. If you want to, good freaking luck.


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krevon wrote:
Thomas Long 175 wrote:
krevon wrote:

DM says: The campaign will be highly lethal

DM means: I'm going to kill off more characters than George RR Martin
George R.R. Martin killed off a lot of characters? Ha! Saw more character deaths in a 4 month campaign than since the beginning of his series!
The HBO series doesn't do the books justice.

TBQH I think the TV series is superior.

GRRM is not really a very good book writer. He's a solid TV writer though.

The Exchange

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GM says: The surviving minions flee.
GM means: I really don't want to spend twenty minutes watching you do mop-up; let's get on with the story.

GM says: He looks straight into your eyes and repeats his statement in a frank and heartfelt way.
GM means: You can't get a reroll on your Sense Motive just by repeating yourself.

GM says: The dragon is asleep.
GM means: Just... a little... closer...


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GM says: I've spent years writing this world!
GM means: ...it has an EPIC PLOT! And you insignificant peasants will be privileged to watch as it unfolds!


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Domestichauscat wrote:

Dm says: This merchant has every magic item in the game. But he is an ancient golden dragon. I designed him so that if you manage to kill him, you deserve all the stuff he has.

Dm means: Had to make a way so that you couldn't easily steal everything in a magic shop of magicness. If you want to, good freaking luck.

I don't know I'd opt for,

DM says: Are you sure you want to try to steal from this well established magical item shop?

DM means: I'm going to have all your characters get stabbed to death by the roving death squads they hire to keep this king's ransom of magical goods safe if you do this, just try me.


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GM Says: Sure, you can use third party content.
GM Means: So can I, and I have more.

GM Says: So, who has Bludgeoning weapons again?
GM Means: Who wants to fight Skeletons!
OR
GM Means: Who wants to waste cash on backup blunt weapons and smashing the skull of every corpse you see?

GM Says: So, I see none of you guys are playing a healer...
GM Means: Oh, you are so going to want one soon.

GM Says: The King introduces you to is Grand Vizier
GM Means: No, he's not the villain. I'm not a Disney writer. But you can bet your ass I'm going to make you think he is.


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Rynjin wrote:
Lincoln Hills wrote:

GM says: Are you sure you want to do that?

GM means: Are you suffering from some kind of brain damage?

Alternately:

GM says: Are you sure you want to do that?
GM means: That is a great idea, but I love f*%*ing with your head. Let's see how many times you second guess yourself, shall we?

This is me >.>

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16

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JonGarrett wrote:

GM Says: So, who has Bludgeoning weapons again?

GM Means: Who wants to waste cash on backup blunt weapons and smashing the skull of every corpse you see?

As we learned from Dead Space, your boots are a blunt weapon. Every corpse must be smashed.


JonGarrett wrote:

GM Says: The King introduces you to is Grand Vizier

GM Means: No, he's not the villain. I'm not a Disney long-dead coauthor of the 1001 [Arabian] Nights writer. But you can bet your ass I'm going to make you think he is.

Fixed. And, before anyone suggests otherwise, Bram Stoker did not steal his ideas from Twilight, Dvorak did not steal his compositions from film soundtracks, and the Norse did not steal the idea of a world-destroying ring from Tolkien.

...
...
...
DM says: I don't like metagaming.
DM means: My BBEG is a wizard with 29 INT, and I am going to attempt to roleplay that intelligence score. Combined with the BBEG's higher level and greater resources, he has a guaranteed chance of TPKing you before you get anywhere close.

DM says [during combat, before rolling]: Let's see if I can hit...
DM means: I think of the game as a DM vs players competition.

DM says: You do what?!?
DM means: You are directly assaulting my behind-the-scenes indirect-antagonist who is too distant-but-powerful to even have stats?
That one actually happened in a game I was running. It was a homebrew system and setting, but the D&D equivalent would probably be a level 1 character with a scroll of Greater Teleport teleporting to, and directly assaulting, the BBEG's patron deity. By himself. With no preparation. Attacking a god. After checking several times to make sure he really wanted to try, I said he could make a new character. I think that was what he wanted to do anyways, but he didn't want to go through a story-related process of having his character leave the game naturally.


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DM Says: "Er... Of course you can load that gelatinous cube onto the catapult..."
DM Means: "How do you keep pulling these things off?"

DM Says: "Your seduction roll against the princess succeeds."
DM Means: "And now you're going to have an entire kingdom trying to kill you."
OR
DM Means: "Save vs. Mummyrot!"

DM Says: "You discovered a scroll saying he was really working for the demilich Draco the Invincible."
DM Means: "You one-shotted the BBEG! Now I have to make something up!"


DM Says: "Don't worry what the party needs, just play what you want."
DM Means: "Please just WANT to play what the party needs so I don't have to worry about everything you may miss otherwise."

DM Says: when getting loot "You find two vials and a sword."
DM Means: "Why don't you use all those skills and spells you have to determine what it is instead of expecting everything to be labeled?"

DM Says: When describing an attack against an animated object "Your weapon skips off the wooden soldier's arm, not even breaking whatever sealant was used to preserve it for so long."
DM Means: "I know you failed the knowledge check, but I'm offering you visual clues so you'll think to use fire already, instead of doing little to no damage with your weapon."


DM Says: The man doesn't seem interested in anything you have to say, and pointedly ignores you.
DM Means: I spent hours writing detailed character bios for dozens of NPC's! Why are you hailing random passers-by on the street!?!?

DM Says: You hear another, even larger wave of the Baron's guards charging down the hall.
DM Means: Stop it. You're not killing the Baron tonight.

DM Says: **Blatant insult from brand new NPC**
DM Means: This is not a bad guy, and you will probably need his help, and you will definitely regret killing him!


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DM says: You can't see the bottom of the pool from your hiding place by the door, there might be treasure...

DM means:

RoW spoiler:
Get in the damn room, so I can charge you with the shapechanging orca!


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DM Says: *Random NPC* is coming down the hall as you approach the throne room.

DM Means: GRRRAAR! This guy is so incredibly crucial to the story! How have you not introduced yourselves yet?!?! You have to talk to him this time! You have to! I can't cold approach you! It would give away too much! He's critical, but you can't know he's critical until the critical moment! You, Bard, wave and say hello, or so-help-me I'll poison your next wineglass. Barbarian, make a rude gesture or something. At least threaten him, or block the hallway. No! You don't need a perception check! What the hell...? Sense Motive? You desperately want to get to know this guy. But, I can't just say that. A wave? A nod? Come on! Throw me a bone, here! You made three diplomacy checks with aid anothers on the stupid kennel keeper, and he's nobody! NOOO! Don't enter the throne room without... GAH! Ok, deep breath. I'll just bring him back in, because he forgot his cloak or something. They can't possibly be so dense as to ignore him twice in one session... can they?


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DM says: Roll for Initiative!

DM Means: Surprise M#*&$$*$~%*#!


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The Crusader wrote:

DM Says: *Random NPC* is coming down the hall as you approach the throne room.

DM Means: GRRRAAR! This guy is so incredibly crucial to the story! How have you not introduced yourselves yet?!?! You have to talk to him this time! You have to! I can't cold approach you! It would give away too much! He's critical, but you can't know he's critical until the critical moment! You, Bard, wave and say hello, or so-help-me I'll poison your next wineglass. Barbarian, make a rude gesture or something. At least threaten him, or block the hallway. No! You don't need a perception check! What the hell...? Sense Motive? You desperately want to get to know this guy. But, I can't just say that. A wave? A nod? Come on! Throw me a bone, here! You made three diplomacy checks with aid anothers on the stupid kennel keeper, and he's nobody! NOOO! Don't enter the throne room without... GAH! Ok, deep breath. I'll just bring him back in, because he forgot his cloak or something. They can't possibly be so dense as to ignore him twice in one session... can they?

Sadly, they can >.<

It took NINE TRIES to get them to talk to the guy while they were trying to figure out who was opposing them in court. NINE!


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Pathfinder Adventure Path, Rulebook, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

GM Says: Maybe. You'll just have to see.

GM Means: Damn, they just figured out my entire plot on first sight. Rapid rewrite time...


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137ben wrote:
JonGarrett wrote:

GM Says: The King introduces you to is Grand Vizier

GM Means: No, he's not the villain. I'm not a Disney long-dead coauthor of the 1001 [Arabian] Nights writer. But you can bet your ass I'm going to make you think he is.

Fixed. And, before anyone suggests otherwise, Bram Stoker did not steal his ideas from Twilight, Dvorak did not steal his compositions from film soundtracks, and the Norse did not steal the idea of a world-destroying ring from Tolkien.

Actually, you kinda broke it. Ja'far ibn Yahya Barmaki, as written in 1001 Nights, is more of a protagonist. In the Three Apples story, for example, he is ordered to find a murderer in three days - or die instead, and very nearly does. In other stories he's viewed as more of and adventurer. In real life he was apparently a patron of the sciences, whose influence led to several advancements, and may have been executed for having an affair with the Sultan's sister.

It isn't until the 1940 movie that Ja'far's name is used for the evil magician fought by Aladdin, who is actually a separate character, and although according to wiki it does happen in a 1952 movie, it's the Disney version that makes famous the archetype of the evil, scheming Grand Vizier Jafar.

In terms of actual evil Viziers from history, myths and such, your best bet would probably be Hamman from the Jewish Torah, since he serves in a similar roll, although it could also be noted that Ja'far did help defeat an evil Vizier in another story, although he was more a corrupt politician with a vengeful streak than a full blown Evil Vizier trope.

So...yeah. Archaeologist. Kinda already knew that Bram Stoker probably based his character on Elizabeth Bathory's reputed crimes, but took the named of the more famous and dreaded Prince Vlad Tepes of the House Draculesti for his main character (and probably borrowed heavily from Carmilla by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu)

I also knew that Antonin Dvorak was a Czech composer and violinist, if that helps?

And although magic rings were a Norse story element, I personally always felt that Tolkien took the Ring more from the Ring of Gyges, from Plato's Republic, as it has the power of invisibility and is shown to corrupt the people who wear it (namely the shepherd who finds it uses it to seduce the queen and murder the king to take his place), and is used in Republic as an example that power corrupts and morality is a social construct. He may have taken it's cursed nature from Andvarinaut in Norse legend, however.

On topic;

GM Says: Hey, can someone pass me Monster Manual (Insert Number) please?
GM Means: Let's see you guys panic as you remember the more hideous monsters in this one, shall we?

GM Says: So, you all meet in a bar called the Thirsty Halfling...
GM Means: Traditions are important. And it's traditional to see if you'll roll to find traps right at the start, since the Inn is going Guy Fawkes in the basement soon.

GM Says: *Hums the Hall of the Mountain King*
GM Means: Prepare for Dwarfs! Or maybe Nazi Zombies.


JonGarrett wrote:
137ben wrote:
JonGarrett wrote:

GM Says: The King introduces you to is Grand Vizier

GM Means: No, he's not the villain. I'm not a Disney long-dead coauthor of the 1001 [Arabian] Nights writer. But you can bet your ass I'm going to make you think he is.

Fixed. And, before anyone suggests otherwise, Bram Stoker did not steal his ideas from Twilight, Dvorak did not steal his compositions from film soundtracks, and the Norse did not steal the idea of a world-destroying ring from Tolkien.

Actually, you kinda broke it. Ja'far ibn Yahya Barmaki, as written in 1001 Nights, is more of a protagonist. In the Three Apples story, for example, he is ordered to find a murderer in three days - or die instead, and very nearly does. In other stories he's viewed as more of and adventurer. In real life he was apparently a patron of the sciences, whose influence led to several advancements, and may have been executed for having an affair with the Sultan's sister.

There were some other stories where the (not always named) Vizier was the antagonist, I wasn't thinking of Ja'far. You are right, though, I didn't pick a particularly good example. Or, I could have made what I was thinking of clearer.

The Dvorak thing was something that sticks out in my memory of when I made the horrible mistake of looking at the comments on a youtube video. Don't do it if you haven't:)

Back on topic...
GM says: The old halfling is keeping a small ring on his mantle, and offers to give it to you. When you <a halfling PC> put it on, you turn invisible.
GM means: It is an ordinary ring of invisibility and I am going to see how long it takes you to figure out it isn't cursed. Or, if you throw it away or destroy it, I'll laugh.
(This one actually happened to me. The GM made it really obvious who the halfling was based on.)

The Exchange

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GM says: For the last time, it's not poisoned!
GM means: Instead, it's a vector for disease.

GM says: Let me tell you something about [name of published campaign world]...
GM means: Oh boy, a chance to deliver a long rambling irrelevant barrage of nerd-lore!

GM says: It's a run-down but good-sized city with a partially completed castle, the mansions of several local counts, a coliseum, an opera house in the central park, a shipyard, a tomb district...
GM means: There are a hundred opportunities for adventure in this town, but what do you care? You'll ask where the magic items are, complain about how few of them are available, and then leave - same as every town.


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DM Says: You might want to bring a couple extra character sheets to this session. It may be a bit lethal.
DM Means: Bring twenty. I need to get my TPK count up.


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GM says: "Hold on a minute. I need to go to the bathroom."
GM means: "Hold on a minute. I need to go to the bathroom."


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Durngrun Stonebreaker wrote:

GM says: "Hold on a minute. I need to go to the bathroom."

GM means: "Hold on a minute. I need to go to the bathroom."

That can't be right, no GM every says what they mean!

Wait, I'm a GM, so that must mean...
GM means: Sometimes I say what I mean, but when that happens you will be kept guessing whether I really meant something else.
:)


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137ben wrote:


The Dvorak thing was something that sticks out in my memory of when I made the horrible mistake of looking at the comments on a youtube video. Don't do it if you haven't:)

First Rule Of YouTube: Don't read the comments.

"That Gandalf dude is TOTALLY a ripoff of Obi-Wan Kenobi." - Random Idiot in a Dork Tower comic.


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Did no-one else grow up with the Iznogoud cartoon? He's why I think of Grand Viziers as evil. One of the writers of Asterix did a spin-off of a minor (quite amusing) villain that got turned into a 52 episode cartoon show!


Arbane the Terrible wrote:
137ben wrote:


The Dvorak thing was something that sticks out in my memory of when I made the horrible mistake of looking at the comments on a youtube video. Don't do it if you haven't:)

First Rule Of YouTube: Don't read the comments.

"That Gandalf dude is TOTALLY a ripoff of Obi-Wan Kenobi." - Random Idiot in a Dork Tower comic.

Yea, I figured that one out after a few times:)

GM says: Don't read the comments on Youtube.
GM means: Seriously, if you read the comments on Youtube you will go insane, really don't!


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GM says: You should read the comments on Youtube.
GM means: I hate you.


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MagusJanus wrote:

GM says: You should read the comments on Youtube.

GM means: I hate you.

"If you really want to understand humanity, all you have to do is read the comments on YouTube." - Said, cynical undead merchant in The Secret World

Anyway. Probably misquoted from the Gitp forums:

GM says: NO! NO! WHYYYY!
GM means: NOOOOO!
Player hears: GOOD PLAYER! DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN!

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16

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DM says: "For this campaign I suggest that The Lancer of your Five-Man Band be a Handsome Lech, I've got some good hooks for that."
DM means: "I lost 8 hours to TV Tropes yesterday. This is a cry for help."

Dark Archive

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... heh heh heh heh heh ...


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The TVTropes Abyss wrote:
... heh heh heh heh heh ...

I see you have kept busy, my son. I approve.

Dark Archive

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The Abyss wrote:
The TVTropes Abyss wrote:
... heh heh heh heh heh ...
I see you have kept busy, my son. I approve.

... I have been ... VERY busy ... Father ... yessss ...

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