DM says / DM means

[Petty Alchemy]

Shamelessly stolen from another forum.

DM says: If you REALLY wants to play a Gunslinger, you can.
DM means: You will never find any guns besides the one you started with.

DM says: The combats in my game are epic and very difficult.
DM means: We'll be playing 15min days, be able to nova and nova hard.

DM says: You have found the Deck of Many Things.
DM means: I've decided to end the campaign but I want to shift the blame onto you.

[Lincoln Hills]

GM says: You had plenty of time to prepare.
GM means: And you didn't use any of it to read my mind.

GM says: What's the party order?
GM means: Who's gonna take one for the team?

GM says: The room appears to be clear.
GM means: You fools.

[JeremyK]

DM says: I'd prefer it if you don't play a chaotic neutral character.
DM means: Don't do it. I don't want players justifying their clearly evil, sociopathic character's actions by saying, "he's chaotic neutral, they're totally unpredictable!"

[WatersLethe]

DM says: You've reached the city, what do you want to do?
DM means: Start scrounging hard for roleplaying experience, you skipped too many encounters and you're way behind for the next part.

DM says: You see an unassuming [blank]...
DM means: It's totally assuming.

DM says: None of you have met yet.
DM means: I'm still thinking up the rest of the campaign and want to kill some time.

DM says: Which one of you opened the door?
DM means: Here's your chance to pick who gets hit in the crotch with a spring-loaded dagger.

DM says: Are you *all* going to sleep?
DM means: You're not going to get any spells memorized tonight. I guarantee it.

[DeathSpot]

DM says: I let him play an evil character to give your paladin some roleplaying opportunities.
DM means: He's my friend and you're not. Also, I hate paladins.

[krevon]

DM says : How do you interact with the chest?
DM means: Come on, get close enough for the mimc to eat your face off.

DM says: How does your paladin feel when he/she does.....
DM means: I'm tired of your paladin one shotting everything evil you have now fallen

DM says: Do you shopping between sessions and send me your lists for approval
DM means: Send me your dang items and don't take 3 hours of play shopping.

[Petty Alchemy]

Here's one from the original:

DM says: There's a lever.
DM means: No one can resist the temptation of the mysterious lever. Pull it.

[Johnico]

Can we get a link to this other forum? Sounds like it'd be a fun read. :)

[Petty Alchemy]

Johnico wrote:

Can we get a link to this other forum? Sounds like it'd be a fun read. :)

Done

[Lincoln Hills]

GM says: Are you sure you want to do that?
GM means: Are you suffering from some kind of brain damage?

GM says: The old beggar is clad in rags and half-starved.
GM means: Either you give this guy some of your hard-earned gold or you suffer mysterious retribution... either way, I win.

GM says: You get 300 gp for the flooring tiles you tore up and 600 more for the everburning torches you pried out of the chandeliers.
GM means: From now on, I don't care if it's an imperial palace - every dungeon you guys raid is going to have plain stone surfaces and you can bring your own darn lights.

[Spook205]

GM Says: (in response to a successful trap check on a safe untrapped door) Its safe.
GM Means: *sigh* Lets get on with it.

GM Says: (in response to an unsuccessful trap check on a decidedly unsafe trapped door) Its safe.
GM Means: MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

GM Says: Third Party Materials are all allowed with no vetting.
GM Means: I enjoy pain. Make me suffer, Mistress.

GM Says: I have a deeply involved campaign setting, with details and a sixty page booklet detailing it all.
GM Means: I'm going to say a lot of words and names and act like you should recognize them. Please nod appreciatively and feel free to replace Lord Dimentandilus of Scazmanda in your notes with 'Lord von Evil Dude from that place we haven't been yet.'

GM Says: The floor is checkerboard.
GM Means: I want time to eat my pizza while you all freak out over what you think is some deep puzzle or trap.

[WatersLethe]

Spook205 wrote:

GM Says: The floor is checkerboard.
GM Means: I want time to eat my pizza while you all freak out over what you think is some deep puzzle or trap.

Every g#$+~#n time!

[Petty Alchemy]

DM says: Hey, did you guys catch the last Game of Thrones episode? So good. Anyway, let's get started.
DM means: I'm going to kill your favorite NPCs.

[krevon]

DM says: You find yourself at a local tavern
DM means: It's time to get the game started

[Lucio]

GM says: Don't worry!
GM means: Do worry!

GM says: Well there's always Plan B
GM means: Pick plan B, plan A will work far too well and your characters look like they'll survive with all 4 limbs still attached.

GM says: Has everyone read the handouts I emailed round?
GM means: No one ever reads the handouts, but now I totally get to screw you over for not doing so, bwhahahaha?

[Captain Wacky]

GM says: You see darkness down the hallway.
GM means: I want someone to say "I cast Magic Missile at the darkness".

[Lincoln Hills]

GM says: I bought a new supplement on lycanthropes...
GM means: Get ready to fight a bunch of werewolves that are immune to all the usual weaknesses because rules.

GM says: It is in a strange and cryptic language.
GM means: The *@$)! bard is about to give away half the plot.

GM says: The night passes uneventfully.
GM means: We don't have time for a random encounter right now.

[Petty Alchemy]

DM says: There aren't any magic item shops in my setting.
DM means: You will take this +3 [exotic weapon the boss used but no one in the party does] and like it!

[Tholomyes]

GM Says: You examine the glowing moss, but nothing seems amiss.
GM means: Seriously guys! I just wanted you guys to actually have light underground, that wasn't a bright beacon to all monsters in the caverns. No, you didn't fail a perception check, it's just luminescent moss. S-seriously? We're spending 10- no wait, 15 minutes on this? O-okay...

[Lincoln Hills]

GM says: Make a save against domination.
GM means: Optimizing for damage-per-round doesn't seem so brilliant now, does it?

GM says: How much rope do you have?
GM means: How deep do I have to make this hole to keep you out of it?

GM says: How are you finding out?
GM means: Somebody's going to have to take a risk.

[Captain Wacky]

GM says: Did you get Cheetos?
GM means: You should have known to bring me Cheetos. Now you're getting poisoned.

GM says: Bard, you've spent 20 minutes talking to every NPC passing you on the road and it's yielded no useful information.
GM means: Shut up...

GM says: Make a wisdom check.
GM means: ...thicker than mud... I'll have to hit him with the clue bat.

[Rotolutundro]

GM says: The friendly NPCs abruptly tie you down and are immune to all your attempts to escape or reason with them.
GM means: You are going on the damn quest the NPCs just gave you, no matter how incredibly suicidal and illogical it sounds. And you'll like it.

GM says: The NPC that refused your bribe immediately responds to the same bribe given by another NPC, who shows up to save your bacon... again.
GM means: I never bothered to tell you this, but you're just extras in a campaign I'm really playing with someone else, where the NPCs in your game are the PCs in mine.

OK, they're a bit odd... but on the other hand, they actually happened.

[Dasrak]

GM says: after winning your first combat encounter, you discover a cache of strange bottled liquids
GM means: here, have some free healing potions
(alternative) GM means: here, have some free healing potions with one vial of poison mixed in

[Lincoln Hills]

GM says: What's your alignment?
GM means: The atrocity you just decided to commit certainly doesn't match the alignment I saw written on your sheet.

GM says: Roll on the fumble chart.
GM means: I get to humiliate you.

GM says: The Grand Vizier seems trustworthy.
GM means: You should've put some ranks in Sense Motive.

[Crank]

DM says: You don't find any traps on the door.
DM means: You failed your perception check.

DM says: You don't have time to rest.
DM means: This scenario's final boss isn't challenging enough.

DM says: It's a gazebo.
DM means: It's a gazebo.

DM says: You take 6d6 acid damage.
DM means: I'm sick of your PC stealing the spotlight from the other PCs.

[Tholomyes]

Another one:

DM Says: You find a thin wire that crosses the floor and leads into a small alcove in the wall. You manage to cut the wire with ease and bypass the tripwire trap.

DM Means: There wasn't originally a trap here, but you just rolled a 20 on your perception check, and it feels like a shame for it to feel like it didn't matter.

[kyrt-ryder]

DM Says: I hate powergamers
DM Means: I don't understand this stupid oversized overcomplicated rule system as much as I'd like.

[Tholomyes]

DM Says: I may - may - be open to some third-party content, but talk to me about it first, and let me vet it first.

DM Means: For the love of all that is holy please stick to first party content, unless it is absolutely vital for your character.

[Artanthos]

DM Says: How many hit points does your character have.
DM Means: I just rolled and confirmed a x3 crit and I know you are already injured.

[Theconiel]

GM says, "You don't want to go there."
GM means, "You really, really, really DON'T WANT TO GO THERE!"

[Torchlyte]

DM Says: The Wizard bursts her bonds, stands up, and turns invisible!
DM Means: I'm sick of you using slumber hex to trivialize my encounters.

I've offered to let him houserule it but he prefers to leave it as-is because masochism.

[FuriousManwich]

DM Says: I'm going to audit you character's.
DM Means: How can I get some balance back.

DM Says: Be leveled by next session.
DM Means: Bother me with your questions now so we can play on time.

DM Says: Core races only.
DM Means: I don't want to role play how no one knows what race you are for an entire campaign.

[Darkness Rising]

DM says: "It's been a bit intense recently - Why don't we unwind with a couple sessions of Paranoia?"

DM means: I've had enough of that b*****d of a rules-lawyer player and want them to leave the group, but don't want to confront them directly.

[Rynjin]

Lincoln Hills wrote:

GM says: Are you sure you want to do that?

GM means: Are you suffering from some kind of brain damage?

Alternately:

GM says: Are you sure you want to do that?
GM means: That is a great idea, but I love f#%@ing with your head. Let's see how many times you second guess yourself, shall we?

[wraithstrike]

Rynjin wrote:

Lincoln Hills wrote:

GM says: Are you sure you want to do that?

GM means: Are you suffering from some kind of brain damage?

Alternately:

GM says: Are you sure you want to do that?
GM means: That is a great idea, but I love f*#+ing with your head. Let's see how many times you second guess yourself, shall we?

I have done this both ways, but normally it is the first one. :D

[Bandw2]

GM says: please for the love of god, do not do that
GM means: this one action will destroy weeks of work.

[Torchlyte]

wraithstrike wrote:

Rynjin wrote:

Lincoln Hills wrote:

GM says: Are you sure you want to do that?

GM means: Are you suffering from some kind of brain damage?

Alternately:

GM says: Are you sure you want to do that?
GM means: That is a great idea, but I love f*#+ing with your head. Let's see how many times you second guess yourself, shall we?

I have done this both ways, but normally it is the first one. :D

My current GM does both often enough that I just ignore him and do what I think is best.

[Lincoln Hills]

GM says: He laughs when your Power Attack critical hits him.
GM means: You're in trouble.

GM says: Nobody knows.
GM means: Your precious Knowledge checks will not help you now.

GM says: Your head spontaneously bursts into flame.
GM means: My disapproval of your optimization/greed/evil/tendency to steal the last slice of pizza has become too great for me to be subtle about it anymore.

[Spook205]

GM says, in response to if the town has an inn, "Oh it has dozens!"
GM means: "And whichever of the colorful names you pick, will result in the same inn."

GM says, "Just for book keeping, can I have your fort save numbers?"
GM Means: "Time to check your HMOs, this place has more diseases then the rusty needle of a leprous crackhead who lives on a nuclear pile next to a chemical waste dump."

GM says, "Just for book keeping, can I have your will save numbers?"
GM Means: "Somebody is going to get mind controlled."

GM says, "The chest contains 13,913,721 copper pieces."
GM means: "I presuppose your character has counting skills akin to Count Von Count from Sesame Street because I don't want to have to keep detailed notes on 'bag o'gold from dungeon with the dead guys,' when you ask about it two weeks from now."

GM says, "I'm sorry, your knowledge check is insufficient to identify the target."
GM means: "I get at least one round of blissful ignorance from you guys before you all realize you're fighting trolls and break out the flaming oil."

GM says, in response to a player wondering why there's a troll in a part of the world that reportedly has no trolls, "Yes, strange isn't it?"
GM means: "Crap. I forgot to check my notes. I need to J.J. Abrams up something.."

GM says, "So where are you carrying your gear?"
GM means, "Looters inbound!"
or
GM Means, "I am suspicious of your capability to produce potions at the same speed, and with the same attention to their variety as a vending machine produces soda."

GM says, "The equipment appears to be dirty, flea-ridden, notched and well worn."
GM Means, "Please don't try to sell the orc's boots again.."

[Petty Alchemy]

DM says: The genie offers each of you a wish.
DM means: It's time to make you suffer for your greed.

[Sissyl]

DM says: "She comes up close and whispers to you 'why don't we go somewhere more... private'"
DM means: "You've been hitting on everything vaguely female with a pulse (and in one case, without), here's a succubus for you to play with."

DM says: "Is there anything else you want to ask him before setting out?"
DM means: "Seriously guys, aren't you even going to ask him what you'll get for doing his quest?" or "I wonder how long it will take them to realize they still have no idea where to go?"

[Lincoln Hills]

GM says: You travel for many days and arrive safely at your destination.
GM means: I seem to have misplaced my random encounter table!

GM says: Did you remember to check for traps?
GM means: There isn't one here, or I wouldn't bother reminding you. But there's one somewhere else in this dungeon and it's a doozy.

GM says: The old man explains that you are the Chosen Ones destined to save his people from oblivion.
GM means: I was stupid enough to make prophecy a plot point, so I'll make you a deal; I'll try not to derail the prophecy by TPKing you, if you agree not to derail it by killing the people you're supposed to be saving - or bailing halfway through.

[Arachnofiend]

GM says: There are no tracks for you to follow.
GM means: Your insane Favored Target boosted Survival roll to follow this guy is going to mess with my plot so you auto-fail this time.

[krevon]

DM says: The campaign will be highly lethal
DM means: I'm going to kill off more characters than George RR Martin

[WatersLethe]

GM says: There is a ship waiting for you in the harbor.
GM means: HAHAHA! I hope you all brought plenty of potions of water breathing and Kraken repellent.

GM says: The shopkeeper stares at the pile of gold coins you place before him in awe. Clearly, he's never seen such wealth in one place before.
GM means: The amount of gold this guide wants me to give out is unrealistic. None of you should expect to ever reach the appropriate wealth for your level.

[Lanowar]

GM says: This adventure will have a mystery to it that I know you will enjoy.

GM Means: I have this amazing story I want you to follow and never deviate from.

[Thomas Long 175]

krevon wrote:

DM says: The campaign will be highly lethal

DM means: I'm going to kill off more characters than George RR Martin

George R.R. Martin killed off a lot of characters? Ha! Saw more character deaths in a 4 month campaign than since the beginning of his series!

[Artanthos]

Petty Alchemy wrote:

DM says: The genie offers each of you a wish.

DM means: It's time to make you suffer for your greed.

I wish for peace on earth.

Spoiler:

<---- Remembers the genie's response in a certain X-Files episode.

[Sissyl]

Thomas Long 175 wrote:

krevon wrote:

DM says: The campaign will be highly lethal

DM means: I'm going to kill off more characters than George RR Martin

George R.R. Martin killed off a lot of characters? Ha! Saw more character deaths in a 4 month campaign than since the beginning of his series!

Indeed. One or two PoV character deaths, depending on your way of counting. Not too bad, I'd say.

[Spook205]

WatersLethe wrote:

GM says: There is a ship waiting for you in the harbor.

GM means: HAHAHA! I hope you all brought plenty of potions of water breathing and Kraken repellent.

GM says: The shopkeeper stares at the pile of gold coins you place before him in awe. Clearly, he's never seen such wealth in one place before.
GM means: The amount of gold this guide wants me to give out is unrealistic. None of you should expect to ever reach the appropriate wealth for your level.

You never get on the &^@@ing boat!!

GM says, "Did you guys know they just released a new bestiary?"
GM means, "And you're going to encounter something from it!"

GM says, "Hey guys, I just got these new paizo critical hit and fumble cards!!"
GM means, "I haven't properly judged how this operate based on the tone of our player group and this will end in tears."
or
GM means, "I have properly judged how this operate based on the tone of our player group and I decided to do it anyway. Ia Ia Cthulhu Ftaghn!!"

GM says, "Randomly generate your character's back story using central casting or the stuff in Ultimate Campaign."
GM means, "Oh man, its going to be rich watching a guy figure out how he ended up a half-orc fighter after being raised by blind elvish clock-makers on a jungle island who were arrested and executed by scaphism for violation of the sumptuary laws!"