Funny things your characters have said (in-game)

[SiegeDraco]

What are some of your favorite memorable quotes from characters at your tables you have been a part of?

A few of mine include both my characters or my wife's, paraphrased due to memory or insight into the background:

"Did he really just throw a giant's corpse at the gnome?"
"WHORE!!!" (Directed at a Calastrian cleric, who took it as a compliment."
"Wait... Your mom is the one goddess that everyone wants to bang? And she screwed an ELF!?" (In reference to a certain PC in WotR, worshiper of Shelyn"
"No I don't find him attractive. I've heard him scream." (Like a little girl, homosexual and very flamboyant good looking bard)
"Do not put an aphrodisiac in the mayor's cup this time Poppi." (Gnome alchemist, always trying to see how different concoctions affect different races)
"So... your name is Barn?" (Uncreative character creation moment)
"Did you just turn the Runelord into a bunny?!" (Yay for baleful polymorph)
"Gotta catch me first!"
"You can go back upstairs. We already killed the giant spider."
"Did she just... there's no way... THAT IS AWESOME!"
"Mira! You were supposed to distract, not sleep with him!" (Calastrian Cleric... again)
"Did she just tame a chimera? OK, better put it into the menagerie with the wolf and the talking horse."
"Did you really convince him you are a Numerian sky metal merchant? You're a Tien!!! You're the one who talks from now on..."
"I smite thee, you tyrannical dragon, with my +1 flaming frying pan!" (DM ruled Profession:Chef granted cooking utensils as simple weapon proficiencies)

[Gwaithador]

"Give me one good reason why we shouldn't give the mindflayer the Annulus?" (a psionic artifact)

[FrodoOf9Fingers]

"You know, I used to be an shopkeeper like you, but then I took a bull rush to the face. Wouldn't want that to happen to you." -The 7 charisma fighter attempting to intimidate a shopkeeper.

[Wolfsnap]

I'm playing a lunkhead fighter in a PFS game at a con. In the scenario we're playing, the party was trying desperately to track down a very famous in-game venture captain and all the other players can remember her name but I (as a player) cannot for the life of me retain it (not a PFS regular). When we finally encounter a person matching her description on a busy street, my fighter makes the perception check to spot her. I quickly speak up:

"HEY!..." (totally blanking on the name again) "... Are you that woman??"

[Simon Legrande]

"In the name of King Bladon, we claim this island and name it ... Ruprecht!" (we were all then given land on Ruprecht Isle, it's a bit of a running gag now)
"I cast Quest on the dog!" (the "dog" happened to be a polymorphed brass dragon)
"I disbelieve the red dragon, there's no way it could have gotten in here." (it wasn't a fake)

[SiegeDraco]

Haha Simon, that last comment made remember another one:
PC: *rolls nat 20* I disbeleive the wall. (A real wall)
GM: You still think its a wall.
PC: but I got a 20! The "wall" is no longer there!
GM: yeah.... it's still there...
PC: ... I know I disbeleived it. There is no reason for it to be there... that has to be the way through.
GM: *rolls d20 and looks up* The wall disbelieves you!

[Neon Sequitur]

Inquisitor of Iomedae: "You guys can loot the bodies, I'm just here to burn the unrighteous."

[link41020]

(Playing a monk//sorcerer superhero, goblins attack town, I run up to two of them and point to one)

"I accept your surrender!"

(Goblins laugh at me, I flurry and drop the one I pointed to in 1 round, then point to the other.)

"I accept your surrender!"

(Goblin soils itself)

[blackbloodtroll]

"It's right down this narrow canyon, with rough edges. Careful, it's really humid, so everything is moist and slippery."

"Pathfinders! Roll out!"

(A very dim, and crazy Tiefling Female Oracle/Barbarian)"Boyfriend? Well, yes, many of my friends are male. Thok(a reform Orc warior) and Black(a very large black stallion) are both my boyfriends."

[Larkos]

My Half-Orc Barbarian was at a party where we were supposed to negotiate with an important elven noble for his support in a coalition against the evil empire. His wife comes on to me and we go upstairs to have some fun. Unfortunately elves get a bonus to perception checks so he catches me in flagrante delicto.

His response: "Can you Krognak a minute? He's a little busy right now."

[ryric]

(My character speaks in a bad Eastern European accent, and has no Diplomacy, yet is the only party member that speaks Skald. We want ask some Skald-speaking children some questions about local events.)

Me(huge fighter in full plate): Leetle girl, Hey! Leetle girl! Kom heer, leetle girl! I need kvestions answered! I kan geeve you shiny things!

To rest of party: She ran avay. I don't know vhy.

Other PC: I kind of want to run away now too.

[Lamontius]

"Stay right there now Erendar, I'm about to assist you with a reacharound..."

-- Josiah Ragathiel Hallowburn, my glaive-wielding inquisitor of Shelyn, during a particularly vicious combat in a confined space.

"WHATCHU GONNA DO, WHEN BROTHER HOLGAN HOLYWOOD PUTS THE TWENTY-FOUR INCH PYTHONS ON YOU, PURPLE-HEADED MUSHROOM-HEADED WARRIOR?!"

-- Brother Holgan Holywood of the Order of the New World, my Ulfen Tetori Monk, right as he began grappling a Myconid.

[Arazyr]

From a PC in one of my games to another:
"Do you realize, you were just talking smack to A BEHOLDER?!?"

One of the lines of smack talk the above was referring to, responding to a voice booming out from a dark chasm, that just tossed a boulder at the party:
"Eh, you're probably just a gnome with a catapult."

That was a fun session. 8^)

[marcryser]

NOT my character... "Hang on a minute! If we're going to fight I need to go and put on my armor."

[Darigaaz the Igniter]

"Vex, you magnificent bastard"
-party cleric to party rogue when we realized the signet ring said rogue had filched from the lord's crypt was also the phylactery of the lich we had just hunted down

[Tabletop Prophet]

After having brilliantly roleplayed a touching scene where the Ranger willingly gives in to a dominate person spell cast by a succubus doing the best she can to shmooze all over him, the player, nearly weeping says: "I feel all his emotions, and his emotions are STUPID!"

A Kuthonite is pleading for mercy, and the fighter bends down and whispers (as an intimidate check) "Oh come on, you know you'll like it when my long, hard rod pierces you." The Kuthonite, as well as everyone at the table, nearly died.

Ranger in Denial: "Just because I'm a Black man with purple eyes, wield two scimitars, and have a panther as an animal companion doesn't mean I'm a Drizzt Clone!"

Everyone Else: "Yes. Yes it does."

Ranger in Denial: "F++~ you guys, I'm going to roll up a Dhampir Gunslinger who wears a big red coat with a top-hat... and don't you dare say I'm ripping off Hellsing, because his name is Areyoumad!"

Everyone Else: *Uncontrollable laughter*

[Ruske Bell]

Brainstorming on how to get the party together: Alpha, Rita has escaped, recruit pathfinders with attitude.

You are all standing in line at the DMV, when suddenly...

You could taste the evil in the air, your nemesis standing down the field, clutching a knife, ready to use it... On the steak from the barbeque, everyone hated Susan from HR, and the company picnic was barely tolerable when she was there.

[Kairos Dawnfury]

Walking into a Harper's hideout in a FR game, when a female cleric offered us healing, my character responded, "I'd love for you to lay hands on me."

[Vod Canockers]

"We ate one last week." (Response to a question of when the temple last had a janitor in it.)

[Rub-Eta]

"Get out of my way! I have no idea of what I'm doing!"

[Zathyr]

A brief exchange between pirate captain Ziyal, oracle of waves, and one of her crew:

-"Ziyal, you're wet."
-"I'm always wet."

[Lincoln Hills]

I got a good one off a few months back, but it only happened because one of the characters asked "What exactly is a 'sad ham'?" - which admittedly is the sort of straight line we all love to receive.

My response was to throw back my head, milk an invisible cow with my hands, and bellow "KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!"

[FanaticRat]

There's a little story behind this one: so in my first ever pathfinder campaign, I played a barbarian after the GM let me retire my fighter that I wasn't having fun with. Said barbarian had 8 INT, and I rp'd him as dumber than a box of rocks. When he joined, the party was being sent on a mission to a kingdom in the north to aid in a rebellion against an oppressive elf king. Our boss mentioned that they had a mole up their, and my character, trying to play up the 8 INT, thought that he literally meant molemen. The party sorceror egged my character on, "confirming" his suspicions.

Anyway, fastforward a journey and our party stops to rest in a town. During the night while we're in the inn, a great earthquake hits the town; stuff falling from the ceiling, buildings getting leveled, fires, etc etc. At the time, my barbarian was in the lobby messing around while most of the party was asleep. My GM at the time was a stickler for enforcing short sentences per turn (six words max) and keeping movement, so when we entered initiative, the first thing my barbarian does is run up the stairs, then on his next turn he throws open the door to the sorceror and druid's room and screams, at the top of his lungs, "THE MOLEMEN ARE HERE!"

It actually became a sort of running gag, with my character desperate to root out the vile molemen. When I was to leave the campaign my GM had set up for us to actually encounter Colossal molemen for us to fight in my final session, but due to some miscommunication and scheduling errors it never happened.

[Simon Legrande]

We were running through one of the packaged modules about a drow flying city that crashed and was taken over by a shibboleth (IIRC). We entered the library where one of the main villains was and he started giving his little speech. It ended something like this:

Villain: Once the ritual is complete, the blind idiot god will appear and devour your souls!
My father and I, in unison: I feel like he already did.

[Gol Agrolon]

As a monk in the first encounter in Rise of the Runelords.
"What do you plan to do?" Cleric of Desna
"A resounding kick to the face." Monk
"Define 'resounding kick to the face.'" Cleric
Monk proceeds to make its attack, Nat 20 and confirmed critical for max 20 damage. Goblin flies into the wall and splatters.
"That my friends, is a resounding kick to the face." Monk

[TGMaxMaxer]

In one of my first PFS games, with a 1st level Dwarf (Cha 5), accepting a mission from Venture Captain "Grandmaster" Torch in a bathhouse(who is horribly burnscarred). (10th level rogue, with 2 8th level bodyguard half-orcs)

We get the challenge done to open these boxes for him, there are 5 and we succeed if we get at least 3. We get the first 3 (my dwarf being the only one to succeed at the necessary rolls to realize one is a flute, and make the perform check of 15 with my -3 modifier to boot).

The party is standing there, considering if we should try the other two and if that will get us anything extra.

My character leaves them in the middle of the discussion, walks out and yells across the room "Hey Colonel Crispy, what'll we get if we get them all open?" The whole table sits there jaws open just looking at me.

Another one, with my half orc fighter rogue. We are in a brothel, and the hostess is playing all sultry. After a second, I look up, look around, smile real big, and ask her "Me have gold... You have Love?"

[blackbloodtroll]

"Forget the whores! Love is a Battlefield!"

[Corlindale]

In a Warhammer Fantasy game we were trying to rescue a young girl who had been kidnapped by a local butcher whom we also suspected of being a Chaos cultist. Which lead one of our characters to exclaim:

"I think he plans to turn her into a demon or sausages!"

[SiegeDraco]

blackbloodtroll wrote:

"Forget the whores! Love is a Battlefield!"

I'm assuming this came from a worshiper of Gorum? :p

[Lord Foul II]

Said by a heavily inebriated human paladin(/slightly buzzed player at my table) in a first hosted by a high priest of Asmodeaus "I use sense motive on the cake"
My elven ninja/sorcerer/arcane trickster "I'm getting a very dishonest vibe from the confections,"
The gnomish bard "the cake is a lie!"

Oracle: upon being told he sees a gazebo "hail oh mighty gazebo!!"
(He didn't know what a gazebo was)
(We had a high cha, low wis party)

[Shadrayl of the Mountain]

While being escorted out of an orphanage controlled by a rather abrasive old lady, she was muttering complaints about our Shaman's familiar, along the lines of ,"and get that filthy animal out of here... It's probably shat all over the place... "

My rather uncouth 7 CHA magus replies, "Sorry."

[pennywit]

In a recent game, we had a captured goblin, and we wanted to interrogate him. All of the party (except the bard) was low charisma, but my half-orcish inquisitor with stern gaze had one hell of an Intimidate skill bonus. My inquisitor was also the only party member who spoke Goblin. Despite this, we thought it a good idea for the bard -- the only one with any actual diplomacy skill -- to help with the interrogation.

So we did the old good-cop bad-cop routine. Except for one small, teensy detail.

Inquisitor (in goblin): "Now, little goblin, you will speak to me or I will kill you and spread your limbs to the winds."

Bard (in common): "Please help us out, and we will be merciful." (Goblin looks confused) Bard: "Translate?"

Inquisitor: "She says that unless you spill your guts, she will grind your bones into flour for her bread."

[SiegeDraco]

Once you go halfsies you never want full. - Halfling bard hitting on half-elf sorcerer.

[Tim Statler]

While playing "Murder on the Throaty Mermaid" one character spots a hole in the story of the ship's prostitute.
"You said you came to him, he said he came to you.I just want to know who did the coming!"

[baldwin the merciful]

I had one last night in a Shackles game. I play a wizard. The DM added a bit of excitement with the introduction of a dragon.

Background: A feral Adult Bronze Dragon lands on our ship (we have no clue it's feral) crushing a crew member on landing. I try to be diplomatic and after learning his name was Grundgar the Bronze promptly reply...

"Oh wise and powerful Grundgar the Gold..."

Hence the next crew member was splattered.

[EJVW]

The scene: 4th level Half-Orc Barbarian wanting to do his very best at intimidating a troll blocking our gang's passage across a narrow bridge dangling high in a gorge above a rushing river.

[Half-Orc's player rolls d20 netting a natural 1]

Mortified Half-Orc waves jazz hands and shouts: "Boogedy boogedy boo!"

[Troll (really, DM) laughs so hard he tumbles from the rickety bridge]

Half-Orc looking back at the rest of the crew: "Well, that didn't go as planned."

Party Rogue with a reassuring pat on the Half-Orc's shoulder: "Looked good to me, man."

[baldwin the merciful]

During last night game, my wizard casts boneshatter against a dragon, the damage dice are tossed:

"YAHTZEE!"

[Gilbin]

"I can't believe you shot yourself in the face with a crossbow AGAIN."

We were using the critical fumble deck and one player was very unlucky with the dice.

[Malachi Silverclaw]

Gilbin wrote:

"I can't believe you shot yourself in the face with a crossbow AGAIN."

We were using the critical fumble deck and one player was very unlucky with the dice.

If he looks closely at the business end of the crossbow he'll just make out the faded remnants of ancient runes.

When he eventually gets the runes translated, they say, 'This end toward enemy.'

[Bwang]

The Bard, rolling a '1' on diplomacy, to a Serpent Blooded Sorcerer we 'were' trying to con into helping us: "Hey! Lizard lips..." Never did find out what was to be said.

[Usual Suspect]

DM (ME): You come around the hill and find a dark hole in the side of the cliff.

PC 1: What is it.

PC 2: It's a cave, dummy.

PC 1: What's it for?

[Cleric Bird]

We set up outside a tavern waiting for our "Bait" to bring some lowlifes out so we could lay down the law.

Me (Gunslinger/warden set up on a roof on the otherside of the street): I'M VARKUS! AND THIS IS MY TOWN!

Human musketeer stepping from the shadows behind lowlifes: I'm Jackrum, and I'm the Deputy.

Our Halfling bard stepping out of the bar: AND I'M DRUNK!

[Thomas Long 175]

Paladin Monk Gestalt with a fighter rogue background.

*drinks from well without putting any coins in underground passage, water turns to dust in my mouth*

"You're cursed this is a sacred alter and you gave no tribute"

Me: "C'mon how many people do you come across that can speak underdark! Try posting in common next time!"

*My deity smacks me upside the head and mostly removes the curse. All water tasted slightly rusty from then on*

[Dark Immortal]

While playing a brawler/drunken master focused on being invulnerable and making allies impossible to hit, an enemy tried to flee (because he could not hurt the party. My monk then replied in very slurred speach:

Monk- "Hey, you! Get back here and you listen to me when I'm drinking!"

[Cardinal Chunder]

To the gnome rogue failing again... "You're as much use as trumpet to a tengu..."

[Schmendrick]

In "A History of Ashes", the PC's must be eaten by Cindermaw, a giant purple worm. They are all vying for his attention, wanting to be the hero who goes in and comes back out alive. The worm chooses our paladin who says, "I don't know if I wanna kill you or come inside you."

[Brotato]

A player in my Rise of the Runelords game is loosely based on Batman, calls himself The Hawk, and is obsessed with "Justice." Recently, they came across some art object value plates, and soon after were forced into a combat. The Hawk (who has Devoted Guardian and a high init) went first, and opened with the line "Justice will be served! But not on these plates, this is the fine china."

[P33J]

So my very first Pathfinder Roleplay character was a Barbarian known affectionately as Rom the Wine-soaked.

Rom was terrified of water, so much so, that he refused to bath, and would instead spend several hundred gold a year purchasing wine to wash away the gore, dirt and other gunk he would collect on his adventures.

To RP this out properly, my GM allowed me to design a mechanic, where to enter water or get on a boat, Rom would either need to be knocked out, make a Will save or he would enter an Confused/Rage state.

In a quest, we encountered a sheet of ice, that we needed to cross in order to fight continue our exploration of the cave. Rom would not cross the ice. When pressed his response was:

"Ice is sneaky water."

[Lavode de'Morcaine]

Bob is a 12th level human life oracle built around blasting undead. Yes, that means he can heal very well when there are no undead around. But that is a side effect, not the focus. He absolutely loathes undead.

Magus, "Crap there's three of those vampire lords in there that the other vampires are afraid of. Let's pull back and try to isolate them."

Bob, "We can take them."

Magus, "You always say that!"

Bob, "I've always been right. We can take them."

Magus, "Stop saying that! We almost died the last 3 times you said that. Heck you went unconscious twice!"

Bob, "But we didn't die. We can take them."

Magus, "Stop it. Just stop it. What do you guys think?"

The others (while laughing), "Well Bob was technically right all the other times. We did win. We didn't quite die."

Bob, "We can take them."

We did take them.
Bob took 9 negative levels. Bob was drained 11 ability score points and was cursed. Bob had less 7 hit points left. But we won and none of us died. (Though Bob came pretty close yet again.)