Looking at it, I actually like part of the concept, playing with the gingerbreading (which wasn't too esoteric to me). That said, I'm not sure I get them as aberrations. They feel more like constructs, to me. I think there's that odd area where you get monsters made of wood or stone or whatnot that are animated by an outside force that can be any number of types.
I like the uncatchable ability -- I think it's neat and plays in an unusual niche -- though I think the name is off. I think that contributes to the confusion between what you were going for and the cookie gingerbread men that people are wanting to think of.
The other two are less new -- adapting a common spell and giving a class ability -- though I think they work fine.
I think I'd get rid of the city being carved into the tree. That's where the back story seems a bit unnecessary. I'd just have the desecrated tree being used for gingerbreading and going from there.
I didn't invent that back story, that s&@& just straight up happened. The capital city of the Hoarwood province in Irrisen is carved into a giant sacred oak that was murdered with the blood of its druidic guardians. I really enjoyed that urban center, which is why I made an urban monster for it.
But yes, he's too niche, and that back story is totally unnecessary. It could probably be a cool concept for a monster if I didn't have this uncontrollable urge to both call it a Gingerbread Man and try and justify it with too much text.
As for why it's an aberration? Honestly it should probably be an undead, but they were supposed to be created by Erastil, and I don't think he'd actually create undead. They are CE though, so he's already going pretty against his own alignment. I probably should have made them undead. Or made something else.
In 3.5 mermen, lizardmen, mermaid, became the gender neutral merfolk, lizardfolk, etc.
My old boss's wife was head of the Women's Center on campus. He was relating a 'conversation' with their son.
Mom: "Snow-person"
Son: "No Mom! It's a snowman!"
Mom: "Snow people, they are not all men."
Son: "No! I am MAKING a snowMAN!!"
*add in the appropriate foot stomping*
I take it the son got heckled at school for saying snow-person.
I told him how the gaming community switched to the term '-folk' & later he told me they all agreed to use snowfolk. Sadly me & others at the table were all voting for snow goons. :)
Ok, here's one from me for you all to have fun with - it's a reworking of an old idea I have toyed with many times. I have hopefully simplified it and made it a little less clunky than any previous attempts.
222 words (Word 2012)
Ascension Rods
Aura: faint transmutation; CL: 3rd
Slot: none; Price: 1,000 gp; Weight: 4 lbs.
Description:
A set of these solid platinum six inch bars consists of individual bars bearing one of a set of etched motifs stamped into the ends, either a left hand, a right hand, a left foot or a right foot. A complete set will contain four bars depicting each motifs, one motif per bar.
Holding the hand motif bars in the correct hands and placing feet on their partnered bars allows the bars to act as rungs of an invisible ladder. By moving one bar and one foot up or down, the other bars become fixed in place, suspended and able to bear up to 500 lbs. By moving as if traversing a ladder, the climber ascends, descends or even traverses chasms and the like, suspended as if upon an invisible ladder spanning the distance to be travelled. The bars allow movement at any angle so long as it is a straight line.
Once per day, the rungs will operate for 1 minute or traverse a distance of up to 500 feet. Should the climber be knocked free of the bars, or the duration expires, normal falling rules apply. The rungs will free fall from their current position.
Construction:
Requirements: Craft Wondrous Item, levitate; Cost: 500 gp
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Ascension Rods Alright, the name immediately made me think that this item is probably something like the immovable rod... and I wasn't wrong. :) A few comments:
* As I mentioned in your previous item's review, a wondrous item that is actually several items is always a bit problematic. What happens if you only have the rods marked for the hands, for example, is a question that might come up.
* Having "rods" in the name is dangerous... probably not as bad as "rod" in singular. It doesn't really help that the item is quite similar to immovable rod which isn't a wondrous item.
* "Aura:", etc. Ooh I'm sure Template Fu loves the colons. :D
* I'd hyphenate six-inch for clarity and avoid repeating "bars" a second time in the first sentence. Removing a few adjectives might also increase readability. The first time I read it I though "why are there six rods if you only have four limbs". I've been staring at a computer screen the whole day, so my vision might be a bit blurred. :P
* "will contain"? "will operate"? Template-Fu won't go hungry today! :D
* "...operate for 1 minute or traverse..." I'd choose one or the other. Having two things to keep track of is too much for one effect. Also, I think it's the user who traverses, not the rungs.
* "Should the climber be..." is just a fancy way of saying "If the climber is...", and simple grammar usually works better, especially with non-native readers.
Overall, it's a really nice low-level item. I do think it's too similar to the classic immovable rod to be really Superstar, though.
Ascension Rods
Ok!
Hmm I'm not sure yet about the name. One part of me loves it and another part of me hates it. I think it's going to depend on the function.
Template use looks good except for colons. I snuck a peak at the opening sentence...is the price for the full set? 4 rods for 1,000 gp?
Weight is the same question...is the set 4 lbs. or is each?
I think you should put a period after "motifs stamped into the ends". That sentence starts to drag on. You are also using the word motif a lot in a short space (it feels like).
Hmmm...kind of a cool function. I like that function quite a bit actually. But why wouldn't I just get a folding ladder? I mean, I think that these are way more useful since they can go for 500 feet or 1 minute.
How do the feet ones attach to the feet?
How can the climber be knocked free of the bars if they are gripping them in hand and the feet ones are attached (somehow)? The bars would be with them unless they let go, the bars were sundered, or stolen.
I'm going to assume after reading through that the price and cost are for the full set.
I think if you had something like leather straps on the bars you can make some more sense on how they are attached to feet (and hands kind of).
Overall, I really like these guys. They are quirky, they have great uses, and they are platinum! But there's some questions to them that this version still leaves and I'm not in love with the price if it is for the full set, or the confusion this causes since it is not stated if it is for a single bar.
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Here's the immovable rod so it's easier to spot the similarities (formatting omitted, just a quick copy-paste):
Immovable Rod
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 10th; Slot none; Price 5,000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
DESCRIPTION
This rod looks like a flat iron bar with a small button on one end.
When the button is pushed (a move action), the rod does not move from where it is, even if staying in place defies gravity. Thus, the owner can lift or place the rod wherever he wishes, push the button, and let go. Several immovable rods can even make a ladder when used together (although only two are needed). An immovable rod can support up to 8,000 pounds before falling to the ground. If a creature pushes against an immovable rod, it must succeed at a DC 30 Strength check to move the rod up to 10 feet in a single round.
CONSTRUCTION REQUIREMENTS
Craft Rod, levitate; Cost 2,500 gp
Ascension Rods
Most of what I have to say about this, Mikko beat me to, especially the bit about immoble rods.
On the topic of this item including both hand and foot components, you need to add language about whether all 4 need to be activated at once to work. Otherwise characters will try to use just the hands or just the feet in order to double their use of the item.
Lastly, get rid of the last sentence. You spend ~26 words basically saying that gravity works the way that the reader probably thinks it does. I generally think that if you are including something in an item which explains that a rule works normally, it is a clue that you are adding something superfluous. Because specific overrules general as a basic premise of the rules, that certain rules work normally in their usual context should be implicit.
What I really like about this item is that it is fairly elegant in execution, which is something that I think I value more than a lot of voters. I think that there are lots of elegant items which get somewhat unfairly tagged as boring or trivial (a trap which I fell into this last year with my entry). There is mojo in both an item with precisely the right bounds which uses no more words than absolutely necessary as well as a balls-to-the wall idea which is a bit of a mess technically.
Others brought up some good notes, but I also think you slightly fell into an old trap of your, AA.
Holding the hand motif bars in the correct hands and placing feet on their partnered bars allows the bars to act as rungs of an invisible ladder. By moving one bar and one foot up or down...
This felt like you were getting too much into the minutiae of the item, which I thought you'd done really well over the last couple years to avoid. That said, I don't think it was as egregious as some, as you do need to make sure it's clear how the bars are working.
I agree, I think, with St. Caleth that it's a neat basic idea: A magic ladder that goes up/down as you do. That's something I think I could see in a gaming world.
Ascension Rods
I have 3 minor criticisms, and one major. The major is that I agree with Mikko that these are too similar to an existing item to be superstar. Still a neat item, since it's less useful and can be afforded by lower level characters, but I don't think top 32 material.
Minor Criticism 1: I don't think it's necessary to specify that each rod has to be attached to a certain appendage. Just let there be 4 rods and use them how you will. Players will never actually keep track of which rod goes where and the item will be even cleaner without that language.
Minor Criticism 2: I just looked this up right here; 1 pound of platinum costs 500 gp, so 4 pounds is 2000 gp. Basically what I'm saying here is don't use such a precious metal, since that much platinum is worth twice the cost of your item.
Minor Criticism 3: Since the item is CL 3, shouldn't it work for 3 minutes? That may not be a hard and fast rule, but I see no reason to make it 1 instead of 3. Very few PCs have a climb speed fast enough to get anywhere near 500 feet in a minute. Also you may want to state in this line "the rungs will operate for 1 minute or traverse a distance of up to 500 feet, [b]whichever comes first[\b]"
Yeah, sorry about the colons, lol, I cut and pasted from this thread during a lunchbreak - silly me >.<
I wasn't sure if climb speed applied when using a ladder, so I went for normal speed, averaging 60 foot for a double move action and I reduced the duration to one minute purely on gut feel.
I tried to distance the immovable rod by making it that the staying in place was dependent on the partner rod moving, maybe it didn't come across as I had hoped.
No matter how you try to differentiate it, it's still a magic ladder made from rods. While this isn't the only thing the immovable rod can do, it is called out in that item's description as a potential use. Almost any magic floating rod ladder idea is therefore going to be too close to the immovable rod to seem superstar, because we've already seen it done. At least that's how I feel about it.
It's still not a bad item, but RPGSS star is filled with pretty good items that don't make it to the top.
Thats always been my biggest problem, I can do good or competent, just never superstar.
Thats why I am dropping out and just doing reviews from now on. I get a kick from the odd Wayfinder article, but after 7 consecutive years of failing even to make top 100, its time to face facts and be realistic. I'm now into my 50s, so this old dog is finally admitting time to let the dream go.
I'll still be around on the superstar forums, providing critical feedback, but i think no more entry heartache for me. Best of luck to those who keep chasing that dream.
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Never give up. That's what I kept telling myself these past few years. I realize that it's disheartening not to make the top 100 even after so many years of practice, but I'm sure everyone here agrees that you've made a lot of progress, and that you've developed a critical eye for wondrous item design, etc.
To level up, so to say, you have to practice your ability to step back from your own bias and thought process, and find a way to look at your own designs as objectively and critically as you would another person's work. It's not easy, but few things that come easy are worth chasing. :)
Eh, well, whatever you decide to do, I do hope you'll maintain a presence in RPGSS. It wouldn't be quite the same without A.A., you know.
Thats why I am dropping out and just doing reviews from now on.
I've entered the contest every year too. I did make top 32 in 2013, but scrubbed out in the following round. I doubt that I have what it takes to win the competition (I don't even play the game right now, and my setting knowledge is very limited have never played a Golarion game), but I will keep entering as long as I learn a new lesson every year that I do. I guess if you feel that you have learned all the lessons you are going to and don't feel like you have grown as a designer this year, then I could see deciding to quit entering. But if you can realize your pitfalls every year and learn from them, then I say, keep entering. Whatever you decide, we do hope you will continue to be a member of this community and continue to bring the Fu in years to come.
Ok, no items for a while, so while I continue with my Top 32 detailed analysis reviews, here is an item challenge (and if your item is good enough, I may even treat the writer to a free Paizo companion pdf !)
Pick any item found in a sewing box (needle, cotton reel, etc) and make it wondrous.
When posting your chosen item, one entry per person of course :), precede the item with Bold Italic "Sewing Box Marvels Entry".
You have a word count limit for your item of.... not less than 200 words and not more than 220 words. Yeah, that should be a good challenge.
Caster level can be from 1st through 5th only.
Price must be sub 5000 gp.
Format must be per the Core Rules (as the template provided for Round 1 of Superstar).
ALL Auto Rejects listed on Sean's threads will apply rigidly - plus...
No blood or gore
No filigree
No butterflies :P
Let's say you have until the last day of April to post it up here (about the same length of time for superstar round 1).
If we suddenly get flooded with entries from new posters, I may close the entry date early so I have time to review them all.
On your marks, get set, go...
Pick any item found in a sewing box (needle, cotton reel, etc) and make it wondrous.
Huh. One of the items I have made up and sitting around for consideration for my entry next year, already falls within this criteria. It fits except that it is only 155 words. I'm not sure I can add 45 words to it and I'm not sure I won't want to enter it in the contest this coming year. Like every item I've made it has some pros and some cons as an entry. I think I will wait and see what others post on this assignment, but again, I'm not sure I can get up to 200 words.
Also, I just want to point out that no one has yet commented on my last posted item, Nested Dolls of Bullied Vengeance. If you are looking for something to critique it is near the end, one page back.
Nested Dolls of Bullied Vengeance
I like this item a lot, it's whimsical and the mechanics of how it functions weaves into the item description in a seamless way.
The name however leaves a lot to be desired, it's just miserable. Such a neat item deserves much better, with at least 1 or 2 fewer words.
My only other criticism is that I'm not sure I'd ever use this (but perhaps that's just because I'm more mercenary with my gold). By the time I could afford to spend over 8k on a 5 time use item, the martial characters this would be most effective on would be passing this DC more than 50% of the time, and reducing the size of a wizard isn't that helpful. If instead I found this item, I would probably sell it for the 4000 gold. I think the cost needs to come down somehow. Probably by effecting a single target.
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Dimensional Skipping Stone
Aura moderate conjuration and transmutation; CL 13th
Slot none; Price 14,500 gp; Weight —
Description
This mottled stone is polished and shaped into a smooth flat oval. When held, it gives off a dim, otherworldly light. As a full-round action, anyone holding one of these stones can throw it up to a distance of 100 feet toward a target square (ranged attack, AC 10, misses are treated like splash weapons). Once the stone lands, the thrower is immediately teleported along the path the stone took, to the destination square. If at any point the stone passes within the reach of an occupied square, the thrower may materialize for a split-second to make an attack at her highest base attack bonus. There is no limit to the number of attacks the thrower may make during this travel, but she may only attack a single target once and her attacks do not provoke. She may choose to throw the stone in an arc to travel within range of a flying opponent, if she does, the stone's rate of movement is treated the same as any other flying creature, with changes in elevation costing the same amount of movement as it would for something flying.
A skilled thrower, may attempt to skip the stone off any hard surface, including opponents. If the thrower targets a stationary target (the ground, a pillar, etc.), the AC increases by 2 for every skip and the stones total movement is reduced by 10 feet.
Once the stone is used, it loses its glow and becomes inert. It naturally recharges at the start of the next day or by a caster casting dimension door on the stone.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, greater bladed dash, dimension door; Costs 7,250 gp
Dimensional Skipping Stone
Well it's certainly useful and neat, I guess the question is if it's too good or if the price is right? It does quite a bit more than the spell you're using, allowing you to go more than three times the distance and potentially bank off of stuff. But it's a full round action instead of a standard action. I think more importantly it allows you to throw 100 feet at an AC of 10, which is a little crazy (by the time you can afford this, you'll only miss on a 1 for sure). Thrown weapons tend to have pretty small range increments, so I think throwing a stone accurately at that kind of distance should incur some kind of range penalty.
What does the dimension door do for the item other than allow you to recharge it? If that's the only reason it's in the construction requirements, how about just letting it recharge with a casting of greater bladed dash instead?
Pick any item found in a sewing box (needle, cotton reel, etc) and make it wondrous.Huh. One of the items I have made up and sitting around for consideration for my entry next year, already falls within this criteria. It fits except that it is only 155 words. I'm not sure I can add 45 words to it and I'm not sure I won't want to enter it in the contest this coming year. Like every item I've made it has some pros and some cons as an entry. I think I will wait and see what others post on this assignment, but again, I'm not sure I can get up to 200 words.
Also, I just want to point out that no one has yet commented on my last posted item, Nested Dolls of Bullied Vengeance. If you are looking for something to critique it is near the end, one page back.
I wouldnt expect anyone to give up an entry worthy item of theirs, so I picked sewing box content as there are lots of thing in there to choose from, threads, needles, pins, scissors, ribbons, patches, all sorts...
So, if anyone creates an item they would rather keep, please do so.
I don't think you need to be so pedantic to say that the other dolls are unaffected and that as long as you have 1 large doll and 1 small doll the item still works. I think it clear enough as is and adding that language just makes the already elegant description muddy.
The name isn't inspiring; they're dolls of vengeance, but it doesn't suggest what sort of vengeance. The description suggests some sort of turnabout or reversal; the bullying theme seems much more specific or plot-driven than the effects.
The name is bad. I get that. But the bullying theme was meant to be whimsical. As if the little races are sick of being looked down upon and want to get even. Smaller races get larger and large races get smaller. The "type of vengeance" implied is that of little races wanting to get even on the larger races for being treated as inferior. Maybe the theme was too tight, but I thought it made sense and was humorous. But you're entitled to not like it.
So it's a matryoshka doll. Is there a reason for not saying "These ten nesting matryoshka dolls"? There's setting precedent for it.
I didn't know matryoshka dolls already made an appearance in the game, though there were a couple in the voting pool in 2013. As I said in an earlier post, I am not well versed in Golarion lore and have never played a Golarion game. I thought that the word matryoshka was too earth ethnic and I preferred a more generic English name for them. I didn't want to make the gnomes or halflings who invented these things into Russians (or tie it to Irrisen, which I did know had some Russian influences).
It'll be very interesting to diagnose the complications of this effect when mounts or vehicles are in play.
The same complications of casting a mass enlarge person on a group of mounted humanoids. I didn't see any reason to address this if the spells don't. GM might have to make some judgement calls.
What if everyone on the battlefield is Medium or larger? Small or smaller? Does it fail, or does it become a mass reduce or enlarge SIAC?
If only one size is there it still works on the others. It doesn't say it is contingent on any creature being affected. I shouldn't have to say that it is NOT contingent when it says it effects one type like this and effects one type like that. Of course if you are using it to just get the one effect, you are not getting the full use out of it, but you have that option. That is one reason I didn't make it a daily use item.
I get that the item CL is 7 and reduce person's duration is 1 min./CL, but that's still an odd duration, particularly in combat (70 rounds?).
Well, I didn't want to only be used in combat. There are Intimidate uses that are used outside of combat and I wanted the roleplaying opportunities. What good is it during an interrogation when you are suddenly little again and target of your intimidation is suddenly bigger than you again? What would you suggest? Raising the CL to 8 so it is a nice round 80 minutes or just making it 7 rounds? It would have to be a lot cheaper if each use only lasted 7 rounds. Or perhaps made for daily use then?
There's already a +4 bonus for being larger, and this item swings that bonus from one group to another. You're adding another +5? It seems like there's more mojo possible here; a morale bonus isn't it.
Well, if a group of gnomes uses this on a group of ogres, they are all Medium sized. I wanted just the boost in size and closer to even odds to give a confidence bonus to Intimidate. But maybe I could have come up with something more.
Leaving behind the other eight dolls? Do the dolls still have this effect until you run out of pairs of dolls? If so, the description should make this clearer.
Mark covered this last one for me.
All the way through your critique and it looks like you don't like this item one little bit. That's fine. I didn't think it was Superstar myself and that is why I posted it here.
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Dimensional Skipping Stone
Aura moderate conjuration and transmutation; CL 13th
Slot none; Price 14,500 gp; Weight —Description
This mottled stone is polished and shaped into a smooth flat oval. When held, it gives off a dim, otherworldly light. As a full-round action, anyone holding one of these stones can throw it up to a distance of 100 feet toward a target square (ranged attack, AC 10, misses are treated like splash weapons). Once the stone lands, the thrower is immediately teleported along the path the stone took, to the destination square. If at any point the stone passes within the reach of an occupied square, the thrower may materialize for a split-second to make an attack at her highest base attack bonus. There is no limit to the number of attacks the thrower may make during this travel, but she may only attack a single target once and her attacks do not provoke. She may choose to throw the stone in an arc to travel within range of a flying opponent, if she does, the stone's rate of movement is treated the same as any other flying creature, with changes in elevation costing the same amount of movement as it would for something flying.A skilled thrower, may attempt to skip the stone off any hard surface, including opponents. If the thrower targets a stationary target (the ground, a pillar, etc.), the AC increases by 2 for every skip and the stones total movement is reduced by 10 feet.
Once the stone is used, it loses its glow and becomes inert. It naturally recharges at the start of the next day or by a caster casting dimension door on the stone.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, greater bladed dash, dimension door; Costs 7,250 gp
Quick comments:
* The name works. It's not perfect, but it's descriptive and not bland.* Wow, that's a cool effect! I'd be sure to upvote this item a lot because of the effect.
* It may be too good for its price since there is no limit to the number of attacks. But of course it's just one use per day. I wouldn't ding you on that, but someone else might.
* Some of the rules language is a bit wonky. "...attacks do not provoke" <- attacks don't normally provoke (and the correct term is "provoke an attack of opportunity") and "within the reach of an unoccupied square" <- unoccupied squares don't have reach, the user does. (But mostly good use of mechanics.)
* Throwing a stone, then making a lot of attacks seems like you're going to have a really busy round. Not sure if I like that mental image. Throwing a stone then teleporting is a cool mental image, and flash jumping along a straight line to attack several creatures is a cool mental image (and works well with the name), but these two combined doesn't work quite as well.
* Very good thinking to include flying opponents! Not sure I'd include the ricochet effect though because there may be too many options, too much rules mechanics for the reader to process. I'd probably choose two of the three effects and leave the third one out.
* The first paragraph is a bit too busy. I'd split it into two smaller paragraphs.
* I like the "otherworldly light", hinting at its fuction. I might have added something to the effect of "seems to blink in and out of reality" just to add a slightly stronger hint at the function.
Overall, it's a very good item. You, sir, have Superstar potential. This one would have made my personal top 32 had it been an actual entry.
Dimensional Skipping Stone
Grab, snatch, munch!
You just got Template Fu'd - grin.
Points at your spells, now then, d (dimension door) comes before g (greater bladed dash) - That Said though,
I know spells, in spells lists would list it as "bladed dash, greater", so you did very well changing it to the item representation "greater bladed dash", you just hiccuped on sorting them alphabetically.
Whew. This thread's moving fast this year. Which I like, except I'm not contributing as much as I'd like. :) Not sure I'll get a chance to participate in AA's challenge, but I'll see if I can find a few minutes and come up with something.
Mottefey
Great name! ;p
This seems solid enough, to me. I think you're wise to realize it wasn't quite Superstar. I know we saw our first (three) good monsters this year, but I think voters are more likely to want things that are threats to the PCs. I think while your design decisions worked fine, for Superstar I'd also do fewer SLAs in favor of more special abilities, which show more design chops.
I know this last year, one of my alternate concepts was a leshy but by the time I was done with it, it still felt too much like a product of the leshy "template" without enough of my own design work there.
Still, from one "motte" to another, I'll give it my seal of approval. :)
Nested Dolls of Bullied Vengeance
No comma needed after ten.
I think others' comments about the bullying are right on. It feels like an odd conjunction to me. I also think the bonus to Intimidate may be too much considering you already get a bonus for the size difference. I think it feels tacked on.
That said, I like the basic core of the powers, even if I wonder whether it could be a pain to use in actual play (since you have to adjust the stats of a lot of creatures).
I think the other thing is it's a bit confusing when you say the remaining dolls must be assembled, but it's not until later that you note that some of the dolls get destroyed. I think I might find a way to rework this, so it's clear that some of the dolls get destroyed and then that it will still work with the remaining dolls, though that could be tricky.
Dimensional Skipping Stone
I really like this one a lot; I might actually have saved it for contest consideration if I were you.
I don't know that I like that you get unlimited attacks along the path -- I think that would give me some serious second thoughts. I might limit it to a number of attacks equal to your Dex modifier (minimum 1, of course) or perhaps your number of attacks based on your BAB plus Dex modifier? I see that the base spell does allow unlimited, but it's also only 30 feet.
Also, can I bounce it straight back off something? I mean, if I have a line of four foes within 50 feet, could I try to aim at a spot right in front of them, but say I'm aiming at it by bouncing it off the last one, so I'd get two attacks against each?
Those concerns make me wonder, like the others, if the pricing is correct/fair.
The one other thing I'd add in is that with rarer spells, I'd link or ID where they're from. I immediately went to search for bladed dash, and when it didn't come up on the PRD, I had to go search on d20pfsrd to discover it's from Inner Sea Magic. I think with the public voting, people make really quick decisions. Where this felt a touch overpowered to me, I wanted to see what the spell did so I could better judge, but it was a bit of work for me to find it. I feel like that could make some people just vote it down because they can't be bothered to do the research they need to do.
Mottefey
Great name! ;p
Still, from one "motte" to another, I'll give it my seal of approval. :)
Huh. I was confused until I looked for your alias. May I ask what the significance of your alias is? I used "motte" because it is German for "moth" and made a decent name when stuck with "fey." And it's a lot shorter than "Watchers in the Night." Thanks for the critiques.
It's actually "mott" editor, with mott standing for Member of The Tribe. :)
(And I forgot that it doesn't show the alias name on the Superstar boards, though the "aka" is there.)
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Ah, I always thought it was "mot", French for "word" because editors work with words, but I couldn't figure out what the other t meant. :D
Apparently, (had to google it) "motte" also means "a copse of trees on a prairie" and historically "mound on which a castle was erected". :D
So the monster could also be a prairie fey or a castle mound fey. :p
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Ok, this one's a little silly, and a little useful.
209 words.
Threadbeard
Aura faint illusion (glamer); CL 1st
Slot none; Price 10 gp (per spool); Weight —
Description
This brownish thread looks like facial hair that has been freshly plucked. The mahogany spool has intricately carved faces with various styles of beards, goatees, and moustaches. A soft, rubbery needle is wedged into the thread.
Spending one minute threading the eye of the fake needle and whispering the name of the facial hair style wanted activates the needle and thread’s magic. The soft needle zips around the face of the user and wherever the end of the needle touches, the thread is attached to the face as if it grew there. It takes six seconds for the needle to complete the pattern for the facial hair desired. The thread matches the color and coarseness of the user’s natural facial hair as soon as it is attached to the face. This process is painless to the user. The facial hair can be pulled off with three swift tugs, falling to the ground in a pile of thread.
One spool of threadbeard is enough to make a moustache or goatee. Two spools contains enough threadbeard to make a small yet full beard. Every five inches of beard, goatee, or moustache requires another spool of threadbare. The rubber needle’s magic is expended after each use. The spool itself can be sold for 2 gp.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, disguise self; Cost 5 gp
This should absolutely be in the game, I love it. Probably wouldn't make the top 32 because of perceived silliness. There is a typo in the 3rd to last sentence, "threadbare", and you sort of lost me on the description. Spools are usually tiny and smooth (so the thread won't catch), but this thread has several beards carved into it? Also would you see them when the spool isn't empty? I'm just not sure what to picture.
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Because I'm a harsh critic, I also deserve to be subjected to critique occasionally. 155 words (MS Word)
Spellcracker's Tools
Aura faint abjuration and divination; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 2,400 gp; Weight 1/2 lb.
Description
By touching this silver-trimmed tool pouch, the user can see the auras of all ongoing spells within 30 feet as beautiful, colorful and translucent clockwork mechanisms whirring around objects and creatures. The user may substitute her Craft (locks) or Craft (traps) skill for Spellcraft checks to determine the school and strength of a spell's aura.
As a full-round action that provokes attacks of opportunity, the user can attempt to suppress an ongoing spell cast on an adjacent willing creature or unattended object for 1d4 rounds. She must succeed on a Disable Device check against a DC of 20 + the spell's caster level. If the check fails by 5 or more, the user takes 1d6 points of force damage for every level of the spell.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, arcane sight, dispel magic; Cost 1,200 gp
Spellcracker's Tools
I got confused that the spell is suppressed for 1d4 rounds by your item - does this mean the spell isn't interrupted and just delayed? If this understanding is right, if I cast an instantaneous spell say magic missile, which gets delayed for a roll of 1 round, does that mean I can still cast normally on the round the delayed spell completes?
i.e. cast magic missile, suppressed for one round, next round cast magic missile, not suppressed, both go off?
Or, do you mean that the caster cannot cast that spell for 1d4 rounds? If the latter, is it suppressing the spell being cast for casters who memorise or all memorised spells with the same name?
I also wondered about the attack of opportunity - if you are attempting to interrupt my casting mid cast, if I take the attack of opportunity, I lose the cast as the cast becomes interrupted by my own action! I suspect you might mean it provokes from enemies adjacent to you and not the caster target?
Finally, what happens to a suppressed spell that is suppressed long enough for the initial target to no longer be a valid target - free action to change targets? or spell fizzle?
Sorry if that was a bit of a ramble, work is heinous at the moment and I only managed a 10 minute scan of the thread today :(
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The item can only affect ongoing spells, not instantaneous ones like magic missile. I assumed it was obvious that the targeted spell must be already in effect for it to have a discernible magic aura to tamper with, but I guess I should have been more specific. :)
Spellcracker's Tools
So far I like the name :)
I'm a little concerned about being able to instantly see magical auras when touching the pouch. It takes detect magic three rounds to pinpoint a location. Not a HUGE deal but it does kind of nullify that aspect of detect magic (at least at 30 ft).
Love the descriptions of the clockwork stuff for the auras. And the substitution skills. The name...only kind of fits at this point.
So...ONLY on willing creatures? I can see some uses but man-oh-man...it would be so cool to be able to do it to any creature or object and still using the DC you outline. DC 21 is hard to hit at many levels and almost impossible until 4th so I wouldn't worry about being overpowered.
I can't decide if I'm not liking that detect magic wasn't used or loving it because you are stretching arcane sight.
Overall, a neat item that I really quite like but ultimately I think I would allow the suppression attempt to work on unwilling and attended objects...these are the spellCRACKER'S tools after all. Not the spellFRIENDLYONLYCRACKER'S tools :)
And of course I posted above with the wrong alias!
Threadbeard
This is a fun and silly item. I like that it is super cheap. One issue I see is that it doesn't have any real game effect. It gives you a realistic looking beard, but it doesn't give you a bonus to Disguise checks or anything. Granted, if it did, you might have to raise the price a little and that is a bit of a shame. Still, I think magic items should always have a game effect of some sort. As a GM I would likely give a bonus to Disguise if the user was using this item in such an attempt, so I would just write it into the item. Like "If the threadbeard is used to create a disguise, the user gets a +2 bonus on the Disguise check."
Another issue that I see is that the effect does not seem like an illusion to me, at least in the way it is described. It says that the the "thread becomes attached to the face as if it grew there," which dos not seem like an illusory effect. There seems to be a transmutation vibe here. Obviously disguise self is the correct spell for this so I think the fix is just in the way it is described. Maybe it should say that it "looks like" it is attached to the face or something to that effect. I guess I get that the thread is "glamered" to look like hair, but it is kind of weird that a magic item glamers itself instead of a target like the disguise self spell.
If I saw this in the competition I would definitely vote for it over many entries, but the first issue would hold it back for me against another quality item. Great job filling Anthony's challenge.
Spellcracker's Tools
This is clever. I do like it quite a bit overall, but I'm not crazy about effects that kind of challenge my perceptions of magic and how it works. I do realize that this is a subjective thing on my part, but I do have a bit of an issue with this item turning a magic aura into a clockwork thing, or making it appear clockwork so that it can be manipulated by someone who understands machines. It is just kind of weird. That being said it is clever and this is the type of thing I could see being championed by many voters and judges in the competition.
I assume that you intended the user to "use" these tools to manipulate the spell in question, but the only thing that says this is the word "user" in the second ability. Since the first ability says that pouch needs to be touched to see auras and also uses the word user, it can be assumed that the second ability also does not need the tools in hand. It just needs a word or two to clear this up if that is indeed what you intended (and makes the most sense).
I think it would also benefit this item to make it more powerful, more expensive, and make it able to completely dispel spells. I mean, you completely unlock locks and can either disable or bypass traps. Neither use of Disable Device just suppresses a lock or trap for a couple rounds. Again, maybe this is just my subjective musing on the oddness of this item, but I would like to see it capable of completely disabling a spell. I guess I'm looking for an 'all or nothing' approach to the mechanical manipulation of a spell thing.
Really cool item, though I'm not sure it would be one I would include in my own game.
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Thanks for the comments, Nickolas and theheadcase! Good points!
Clockwork is always a bit risky choice because some people don't want it in their fantasy. I think the "auras as machines" thing is more of an expression of synesthesia than actually revealing magic to be a complex machine-like thing. Some people associate numbers or sounds with colors (or otherwise perceive something through another sense than you'd normally expect), and what the item does is something like magical synesthesia that also allows you to treat the aura as though it was what you perceive it to be.
But Nickolas's point is valid; I didn't explain it that the gears etc. are just a sort of a... GUI for people who understand machines but not magic. :D
One of the items I considered submitting this years was gloves that temporarily awaken a lock into human-like sentience, so you can reason with, intimidate or bluff a lock to make it open. It may be a bit jarring for some people, but I for one love it when you can use a skill in a new way. :)
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I think the "auras as machines" thing is more of an expression of synesthesia than actually revealing magic to be a complex machine-like thing. Some people associate numbers or sounds with colors (or otherwise perceive something through another sense than you'd normally expect), and what the item does is something like magical synesthesia that also allows you to treat the aura as though it was what you perceive it to be.
I totally took this as a possibility and is what I was thinking when I said "or making it appear clockwork so that it can be manipulated by someone who understands machines." But it is not that geniuses see magic as machines naturally, but this item "converts" it to that view so the character can understand and manipulate it. It is a cool concept, but kind of "left field" for me. And I don't even hate clockwork in my fantasy (though maybe not to a high extent unless it is considered a variant world). I might actually enjoy an archetype or a prestige class with this theme. A guy who sees magic as something mechanical and can manipulate it as such would be pretty cool. But with just the magic item it seems like an awfully small part of the game for such a large idea. Also, I can see that this might just be my own preferences and that other players might be ok with this. In any case, I really like the idea behind this.
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Not really sure how qualified I am to review anyone's items, but I'll give it my best shot. Hopefully I'm of some help to someone.I'll start with this page, and maybe work backwards? And I'll leave the template critique to the masters, since they tend to jump on those things anyway.
I plan to post some creations of my own, so I hope that people will be as critical as mine as I'll be of theirs. No pain, no gain, right?
Ascension Rods
My first reaction to this is simply that it's unnecessary - they strike me as too similar to immovable rods, which PCs can already use as floating ladders. Similarly, if compared to the immovable rod, these seem really, really cheap. Is the entire set 1000 gp? Why would anyone buy an immovable rod, if you can get four for only 250 gp each? I'm also not sure if it's cheating to make a wondrous item a rod when there's a crafting feat for rods. Those poor rod crafters are getting ripped off when all their goodies go to wondrous item crafters!
I do, however, like the name. It sounds like something that should already be in the game in some aspect or another. It just... works. Perhaps not as a ladder, but as something that floats? Something more unique? More interesting? And, probably, as a rod, rather than a wondrous item?
Binding Buttons
First reaction: Name seems fitting. Buttons already bind things, so what do these guys do? Alliterative enough to be interesting but not annoying.
I like the effect, though I'm not sure how often I'd find a use for it. Fortunately, they're cheap enough and small enough that you can just kind of have them around until you find that situation where they're useful.
But this runs into the problem of being two items as one. Is the price for a set? Can one be replaced if broken/stolen/lost/whatever, or are they only crafted in a set? Can a sole button be rebound to a different Binding Button? I'm also not sure I can believe a thread having hit points and hardness of 8, magical or otherwise.
Dimensional Skipping Stone
First reaction: Awesome. I love the idea of having a stone that could bounce around and be used as a targeted, bouncing tele-dash. It oozes flavor, though the name could maybe be a little better?
I'll echo the unlimited attack problem. That sounds like it's begging for someone to find a loophole of abuse. Giving it a finite limit makes this much less of a problem.
I'm also a sucker for one-use items, and would rather have the price go down and let the stone become permanently inert after use. People would probably disagree, or maybe just get a bag full of these things if they ended up too cheap, but I think having a one-use trick-shot kind of item encourages the players to make more meaningful decisions in a battle. If they know they can just make the wizard recharge it with a dimension door later, why wouldn't they just toss it around all the time?
Threadbeard
First reaction: Silly, maybe, but cool and flavorful. Sounds like the sort of thing that should be in a world of magic, anyway.
I agree that this sounds more like transmutation than illusion. The beard described does not sound illusory, and perhaps it would be better suited as a real (magical) beard. Giving it a related mechanical benefit for disguises would also seem wise.
I like that it's so cheap, though I might be afraid it's too cheap. Again, I'm a sucker for one-use items - but at only 10g, why not just fill up a bag with these things? You'll have all the beards you'll ever need!
That being said, though, I think the apparent silliness of the item is a strength, not a hindrance. Maybe it's not Superstar, but it's cool, flavorful, fitting, and accessible. That's a win in my book. I have at least one character who would use these regularly.
Spellcracker's Tools
First reaction: Great name, I feel like I know what these are going to do... Yep, they do - and what an awesome thing to do. I totally agree than an archetype/class/whatever based around this would be very, very cool. And, maybe, more suitable than an item. But...
I'll echo that having at-a-touch 3-round detect magic seems a little strong. Not game breaking, by any means, but sort of renders detect magic useless. I love that you can use something other than spellcraft to identify a spell, though. I completely agree that giving skills new uses is great - it makes a player feel better for putting ranks in those often-forgotten skills, and gives skills a chance to shine in moments where people might just toss out a spell or shoot a bundle of arrows.
I think I'd like these better if they were more powerful/expensive and designed to dispel things entirely. That would reconcile the at-will detect magic issue too. I'd also make it work on any object, attended or otherwise, but not on any effects cast onto creatures. I could see the rogue-type using this disabling a create pit or fog cloud or black tentacles, but I can't really see a rogue-type with "super-magic-breaker-thieves-tools" disabling a confusion or hold person. That would also make these great counter to all those annoying area-control spells, rather than a counter to magic in general.
Thanks for the critiques!
@Mark - I didn't get it across in the description but these would be BIG spools. So that helps with the carved things :)
@Nikolas - I went back and forth on if I wanted to give a stated bonus. I ultimately didn't because I wanted to leave it in the realm of GM decision and player ingenuity as for what an instant fake beard can do. I also intentionally wanted it to be a super cheap item and I felt I could get away with that by not having a stated bonus.
@Nikolas and Helio - Good points about the illusion aspect (especially the glamer part) being a weird fit. It only is used because of the spell...and now that I think about it I would have the thread BE an illusion that is being "sewn" on to the face. Would have been much more interesting.
I kind of want to rewrite it now, but I also just got inspired for some new spells...that I may be keeping for now instead of posting here. Maybe it will show up in a 3pp somewhere...
Helio, glad you came over and posted. Looking forward to seeing your creature you submitted to Wayfinder 10.
First of all, Helio, welcome. I think adding critiques is great. You are qualified, considering you're someone who's interested in gaming and might vote. That gives us all insight into how other people think and what we need to focus on for our own ideas.
I found it also helps me improve my own writing/game design, so that's smart too.
Now, for items, where I think we've got some really good ones.
Binding buttons
This seems like a strong concept to me. My biggest problem is that it's awfully similar to the stubborn nail that didn't quite make the Top 32 a few years back but instead made it into Ultimate Equipment. I'm sure it was parallel design, but one of the difficulties of this contest (Superstar, that is) is not duplicating items that have come before.
Threadbeard
Love the idea of this. It's a great little item, though it does need a game mechanic, as others noted. I didn't have a problem with the description -- I assumed the carved bits were on the ends of the spools.
Probably not Superstar, but a lot of fun and very imaginative.
Spellcracker's Tools
I also really liked this one. I think I'd probably have upvoted it a lot had I seen it in voting.
Welcome Helio!
Due to the nature of public voting, everyone is qualified so dinnae hold back. Also you are more qualified than many as you are practicing the skill :)
Wow I knew I was behind, but only to page 1!! Oh well, currently caught up on my writing deadlines...
Smoldering Sack
*'That' is used 5 times in 3 paragraphs. That is too much for me & there are quite a few other words that could be trimmed. ("...except that they only affect creatures within the 20-ft. cube rather than within the normal range of the effects...." could be ...except they only affect creatures within the 20-ft. cube...." ) IMHO
**If torches fit in what else? a mace? a robe? cookie dough? what happens if they are stored in there?***SIC on the first but the explosions make up for it. Who doesn't like boom-boom bags? :)
Battledancing Slippers
*I love an item that can scale with the user. A fighter will enjoy this at level 6 and at level 16.
**full attack action is a noun not a verb. 'Taking a full attack action' might be the better way to say this.***how might this work with two-weapon fighting or rapid shot? I can see getting closer after every shot then quick draw a sword for the last attack which is cool.
Mostly upvotes :)
Interceptor’s Lure Aura faint enchantment;
Dang the post was too long & reply gets truncated before I get to your item :)
*definitely a campaign item, & is really cool in a low-magic campaign. I like this spark and am trying to think of ways to SS it.... a recipient at the strand receives the message? resends it before the destination target realizes is been intercepted? Maybe resend the message with false information? Other ways to intercept messages (whispering wind, message etc.?**A lot of words devoted to choosing. I would let the GM decide if the first (or first two) conditions are tied. Good call including the determiners, 'tis bound to be needed & it gives a GM a springboard to make their own call.
***The first sentence is a little wordy. There are 7 nouns in 18. After the first few I struggle to get a picture in my head of what I am supposed to be seeing. (by struggle I mean I start diagraming the sentence... Yeah grammar geek here :)
upvotes barring mojo-heavy comparison.