Round 2 - What would you have submitted (2014)


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Ok, round 2 results are known, the contestants progressing are busy beavering away on their next submission (if not *whip crack* why not? :P)

So... it must be time for the round 2 would have been entries to be shared this year.

I'll kick off with my would have been entry to get the ball rolling. Please share your would have been entries in this thread - we can only learn by observing and sharing, so get to it everyone :)

Initial feedback and thoughts I have had is my tie in was to Golarion flavor rather than being more specific to a locale or region, so I probably would have gotten caned for that >.<

This would have been comes in at a healthy 585 words, enjoy.

The crimson skin of this misshapen, hairless humanoid is mottled with purple blotches. It flexes sickled claws as lipless flesh curls back revealing a wide maw of broken, jagged, blackened canines.

Nightmare Child CR 1
XP 400
CE Small outsider (native)
Init +6; Senses darkvision 60 ft., dream scent; Perception +6

----- Defense -----
AC 13, touch 13, flat-footed 11 (+2 Dex, +1 size)
hp 13 (2d10+2)
Fort +4, Ref +5, Will +1
Immune sleep

----- Offense -----
Speed 20 ft., climb 20 ft.
Melee bite +4 (1d3+1), 2 claws +4 (1d4+1)
Special Attacks born of dreams, dream maker, sandman touch
----- Statistics -----
Str 13, Dex 15, Con 12, Int 13, Wis 12, Cha 10
Base Atk +2; CMB +2; CMD 14
Feats Improved Initiative
Skills Acrobatics +7, Climb +6, Disable Device +7, Escape Artist +7, Perception +6, Sleight of Hand +7, Stealth +11
Languages Common

----- Ecology -----
Environment any urban (Ustalav)
Organization solitary, pair, or trance (3–6)
Treasure none

----- Special Abilities -----
Born of Dreams (Su) Once per night, as a free action, a nightmare child can draw life energy from a sleeping creature. It must remain within 10 feet of the sleeper for six rounds during which it gains 5 temporary hit points and a +1 profane bonus to attack rolls. A sleeper awakening any time after these six rounds gains the fatigued condition.
Dream Maker (Sp) As a swift action, a nightmare child within 10 feet of a sleeping humanoid twists the sleepers dreams into a nightmare unless the sleeper succeeds at a DC 12 Will save. The nightmare prevents restful sleep leaving the sleeper fatigued and unable to regain arcane spells for the next 24 hours. A sleeper can only be affected once per day. The save DC is Charisma-based.
Dream Scent (Ex) A nightmare child prowling the streets on which it was spawned can scent sleepers in the throes of a nightmare-plagued sleep within a 120-foot radius.
Sandman Touch (Sp) A nightmare child’s first touch attack on a creature with 4 HD or less induces the target to make a DC 12 Will save or sleep (as the spell). The save DC is Charisma-based.

Most commonly found in gothic Ustalav and any other urban settlement where tensions and fears of the population are high. A nightmare child is pulled into existence when a group of humanoids in close proximity experience simultaneous nightmares, the nightmare child coalescing from their fears. Normally a single creature stalks the streets, but under conditions of extreme trepidation a greater population of sleepers will create a number of these creatures, referred to as a trance. When cornered, it ululates with the chilling sound of overlapping voices of the dreamers who gave it life, and fights to the death.

Once created, the nightmare child seeks to make its existence permanent as initially it lives only at night. It desires the life energies of the dreams and nightmares of sleeping creatures, using its skills to induce deep nightmare filled sleep against a whole family, and then draining life giving vitality from the most vulnerable of the house - the children. A nightmare child needs to perform this act uninterrupted for seven consecutive nights to gain permanent existence. Until this is achieved, it fades like memory of a dream with the coming dawn, only to coalesce again at nightfall. Banishment merely causes it to fade as it would at dawn requiring the nightmare child to start its hunting cycle anew.

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A healthy 587 words here. I'm sure it needed a few more passes with the red editting pen.

Formed of shadow, this obsidian butterfly has a head of a human skull and beats its wings with a sound which cannot quite be heard.
Pangolaisian Spellsnatch CR 3
XP 800
CE Diminutive undead (incorporeal)
Init +7; Senses darkvision 60 ft., detect good; Perception +5

----- Defense -----
AC 19, touch 19, flat-footed 16 (+4 Size, +3 Dex, +2 deflection)
hp 15 (2d8+6)
Fort +2 Ref +3 Will +4
Defensive Abilities channel resistance +2, incorporeal; Immune undead traits
----- Offense -----
Speed fly 20 ft. (Perfect)
Melee incorporeal touch +8 (1 Wisdom damage plus magic absorption)
Space 1 ft.; Reach 0 ft.
Special Attacks channel negative energy

----- Statistics -----
Str —, Dex 16, Con —, Int 4, Wis 13, Cha 15
Base Atk +1; CMB +0; CMD 12
Feats Improved Initiative
Skills Fly +17, Perception +5, Stealth +19 (+23 in dim light, +15 in bright light); Racial Modifiers +4 Stealth in dim light (–4 in bright light)
Languages Common

----- Ecology -----
Environment urban (Pangolais and neighboring Nidalese settlements)
Organization solitary or flock (2-5)
Treasure incidental
----- Special Abilities -----
Channel Negative Energy (Su) Once a spellsnatch has absorbed at least 1 spell level with its magic absorption ability, it is able to channel that magic as negative energy, as the cleric ability of the same name. The spelllsnatch can choose to harm living creatures or heal undead creatures with this energy. The amount of damage dealt or healed is equal to 1d6 points of damage for each level of absorbed spell, and all absorbed spell levels must be used at the same time. If any of the absorbed spells contained the good descriptor, the damage die becomes 1d4, and if any of the absorbed spells contained the evil descriptor, the damage die becomes 1d8. Creatures taking damage from this ability receive a DC 14 Will save (this save DC is Charisma-based).
Magic Absorption (Su) Upon a successful touch attack, in addition to the normal damage dealt, a spellsnatch attempts to drain the highest-level unused spell or spell-like ability from its target (Will save DC 14 resists; this save DC is Charisma-based). If the target has no such spells or abilities, it suffers no further effects. If the target has more than one such spell or ability, the drained spell or ability is chosen at random. Zero-level spells or abilities cannot be absorbed. If the spellsnatch drains a spell or ability with the good descriptor, it takes 1d6 points of damage (no save), and if it drains a spell or ability with the evil descriptor, it gains 1d6 temporary hit points. Spells which have different descriptors depending on how they are cast (like a summon monster spell used to summon a good or evil creature) are assumed to be neutral when absorbed. Once a spellsnatch has absorbed at least 1 spell level, its eyes begin to glow red, and it suffers a –4 penalty to Stealth checks (–8 in bright light).
Vile creations of Nidal’s dark overlords, these undead horrors came to be through the methodical torture and execution of captured paladins and clerics of good faiths (primarily that of Desna). Formed in the image of a butterfly to mock the Starsong, these creatures patrol the streets of Pangolais, searching for hidden clerics of Desna.
Spellsnatches lurk in the shadows, constantly using their detect good ability. When they find a good aura, they focus on that creature, draining it of spells, and resorting to its channel ability when injured.

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The first sentence in description is a fragment. You should have added the creature's name as the subject.

I like the first three special powers and the creature overall. I normally do not like items or monsters that mess with dreams; however I like the effects these abilities have. Rather than try to detail what happens in the dreams or how the monster affects dreams, you merely state the outcome of the monster's impact on the dream- fatigued condition, monster boost, etc.

I am not a fan of the sandman touch. I don't think it is needed nor does it fit the creature thematically. I think the creature knows everyone has to sleep sometime and it would be patient.

Borrowing from your templatefu, I think you missed out on the description of the creature. What do these creatures look like, smell like, sound like, etc. While their creation is interesting, you would have been better to spend your words on description of the creature rather than their creation.

The last quick comment is to stay away from the word child in the name of the creature. The fact that it preys on children is fine. It's actually great because most players find that abhorrent and will immediately want to kill thus thing. But using child in the name evokes the image of a child, especially since you didn't provide a physical description of the creature. I understand thechoice of naming it a child, it was "born" from the dreams of people, but I think spawn or progeny or some other word would have been better.

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Nightmare Child:

CREEPY!

I don't think you need a caning at all, Anthony. While there is nothing about this creature that says it has to be on Golarion and only Golarion, I think you've more than met the burden of tie-in, compared to many of the top 32. While this creature could exist in a wilderness environment, the chances are very small, so urban makes a lot of sense.

This creature is a natural antagonist, and the adventure module centered around these creatures practically writes itself: party wanders in to town, everybody is exhausted, complaining of vivid nightmares, party investigates.

My only concern is that, to truly be a module-centred antagonist, it needs to be tougher. While suffering under its ministrations is unpleasant, this thing doesn't actually go around hurting anybody. It's not going to kill its victims, because it needs it to be alive and asleep to "feed" on it. While you say that a group of these can sometimes be created, it's very rare, so you have a CR 1 creature as the main baddy at the end of my hypothetical module. What about bumping its CR to 3 and having it cause 1 point of Wisdom or Charisma drain on the victims of its life-giving ritual (which you unfortunately never really describe--is it the dream maker ability, or something else?)? This way, there are tangible effects to the creature's presence, as the village children begin to go more and more catatonic as teh attacks continue.

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James R. Casey wrote:

The first sentence in description is a fragment. You should have added the creature's name as the subject.

I like the first three special powers and the creature overall. I normally do not like items or monsters that mess with dreams; however I like the effects these abilities have. Rather than try to detail what happens in the dreams or how the monster affects dreams, you merely state the outcome of the monster's impact on the dream- fatigued condition, monster boost, etc.

I am not a fan of the sandman touch. I don't think it is needed nor does it fit the creature thematically. I think the creature knows everyone has to sleep sometime and it would be patient.

Borrowing from your templatefu, I think you missed out on the description of the creature. What do these creatures look like, smell like, sound like, etc. While their creation is interesting, you would have been better to spend your words on description of the creature rather than their creation.

The last quick comment is to stay away from the word child in the name of the creature. The fact that it preys on children is fine. It's actually great because most players find that abhorrent and will immediately want to kill thus thing. But using child in the name evokes the image of a child, especially since you didn't provide a physical description of the creature. I understand thechoice of naming it a child, it was "born" from the dreams of people, but I think spawn or progeny or some other word would have been better.

Ummm....

The crimson skin of this misshapen, hairless humanoid is mottled with purple blotches. It flexes sickled claws as lipless flesh curls back revealing a wide maw of broken, jagged, blackened canines.

Agreed that the second sentence is slightly clunky, but how much more of a physical description do you want?

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My first cut description was a whole paragraph :P - something like 100 words - lol, so yeah, those opening monster descriptions really focus your need for brevity :)

Naming - I keep my crown for another year then :P - yeah, I like progeny, that would have been better indeed (I think >.<).

Thanks for the feedback everyone, very useful. I did shy away from making it too powerful. The reason for sandman's touch was probably a bit meta gaming. It was intended so that if the party encounter the creature in the streets, it could in round 1, attempt to make a PC sleep and then immediately use it's free action buff from the now sleeping PC ;)

Yeah, I think Evil GM was awake when I thought of doing that - Evil GM was looking at combining the powers when possible to make it a little more vicious :)

I'll take a look at your's tonight Nazard as lunchtime is almost done. The first thing that drew my eye was that for a CR3, the HP seemed a little on the low side, it may be a glass cannon type of beastie though, so will reserve judgement until I have time to give it some time.

And for the lurkers, I will point out a very good and pertinent comment Nazard made - the one about the module writing itself. This I think is due to that I had to fight very hard to stop my design from being a plot monster (like plot item), the first few drafts it was very plot and not enough beastie. So beware of this trap, it is quite difficult to dig yourself out of that one.

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Anthony Adam wrote:

The crimson skin of this misshapen, hairless humanoid is mottled with purple blotches. It flexes sickled claws as lipless flesh curls back revealing a wide maw of broken, jagged, blackened canines.

Nightmare Child CR 1
XP 400
CE Small outsider (native)
Init +6; Senses darkvision 60 ft., dream scent; Perception +6

----- Defense -----
AC 13, touch 13, flat-footed 11 (+2 Dex, +1 size)
hp 13 (2d10+2)
Fort +4, Ref +5, Will +1
Immune sleep

----- Offense -----
Speed 20 ft., climb 20 ft.
Melee bite +4 (1d3+1), 2 claws +4 (1d4+1)
Special Attacks born of dreams, dream maker, sandman touch
----- Statistics -----
Str 13, Dex 15, Con 12, Int 13, Wis 12, Cha 10
Base Atk +2; CMB +2; CMD 14
Feats Improved Initiative
Skills Acrobatics +7, Climb +6, Disable Device +7, Escape Artist +7, Perception +6, Sleight of Hand +7, Stealth +11
Languages Common

----- Ecology -----
Environment any urban (Ustalav)
Organization solitary, pair, or trance (3–6)
Treasure none

----- Special Abilities -----
Born of Dreams (Su) Once per night, as a free action, a nightmare child can draw life energy...

I'll give you some feedback, why not...

First read, I like the overall theme. Its a dream eater, pretty cool. Good, evocative, and related name.

Skills seemed to be high, especially with low CR. I think you've added an extra class skill. Outsiders get preception & stealth + 4 additional class skills of designers choice. 2 HD, 6 + 1/HD(Int)= 14 skill points + size bonus for stealth. I'm coming up 3 point strong on a skill.

I don't think Born of Dreams is the right name for that ability... It needs a dynamic name. The nightmare child is feeding on dreams, and Born of Dreams is a very passive name- makes me think of a constant(maybe defensive) ability.

Sandman Touch- Is that the first attack per day? Ever? Per round? Does that replace its normal attack?

Your monster text has some awkward turns of phrase and disjointed thought ordering.

Overall, I like the concept. There is a wicked good monster ready to be chiselled out. :)

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Naming again - lol - I am the king! :p

On the skill's, I calculated as follows

1) An outsider has 6 + Int skill ranks per HD, so this creature should have 14 skill ranks.
2) For maxed-out skills, each bonus should equal +2 (ranks) +3 (class skill) + ability modifier (the + 2 ranks is because I am a 2 HD creature.)
3) Spending 2 points per skill results in 7 skills.
4) I kept pretty much to infiltration type skills as the "class" skills of the creature.

Stealth is 11 = 2 (ranks) + 3 (class) + 2 (dex) +4 (size for the reason you state).

So unless I have missed something, I think my skills should be ok, I'll double check against the ability bonuses to be sure though.

The higher skills are offset by lower HP and lower damage than other CR 1 beasts which was my attempt at balancing this beastie game wise, it probably needs another pass on that.

Very useful feedback thanks.

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@Nazard

Butterflies - LOL - you sneaky devil.

I don't suppose the Zarbi was part of the inspiration? :p

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Anthony Adam wrote:

@Nazard

Butterflies - LOL - you sneaky devil.

I don't suppose the Zarbi was part of the inspiration? :p

I'd never heard of that before. I don't watch Doctor Who (nothing against it, just never really watched it).

As for butterflies, I wanted to up the blatant evilness of this monster and its creators by having them choose to openly mock Desna in its construction.

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The critter should have 6 class skills, but you gave it the bonus 3 on all 7...

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I feel reluctant to share mine. I still want to enter it next year!

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Garrick Williams wrote:
I feel reluctant to share mine. I still want to enter it next year!

Next year the special twist for the round will be to make an Aquatic Evil Outsider, so unless your monster falls into that narrow design space...

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I don't think having a plot monster is nearly as bad as having a plot item, so long as the monster could have other applications as well.

In addition to the Nightmare Child being a possible plot focus, I could also see it cropping up in the ruins of an abandoned town. Something horrible going on in the town caused all the nightmares that birthed the Nightmare Child, then the people died or left, leaving the Nightmare Child behind as permanent, but with nothing on which to feed. The party has arrived for another reason, to investigate something else or explore the ruins, but the Child lies in wait, and through defeating it, the party gets a clue about what happened to the ruined town.

The Nightmare Child could also be a minor sub plot in an unrelated urban game. I could see a lot of ways to use it in the first book of Council of Thieves, for example, or Carrion Crown (obviously)

If you're really worried about it not having a strong enough Golarion tie-in, you could have thrown a sentence in about some mystical connection between these creatures and the Whispering Tyrant's prison. Tar-Baphon slumbers in his prison, and dreams leak out. A sudden rash of these creatures terrorizing towns gives clues that somebody has weakened the prison and maybe the Tyrant stirs once more...

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devilfluff wrote:
The critter should have 6 class skills, but you gave it the bonus 3 on all 7...

yeah, I ummmmmed and arrrrghed a lot over giving it to Climb, I went with giving it Climb because it fit the theme of the creature climbing to second story bedroom windows and the like.

In which case, drop Climb by 3, should fix it :)

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The class skills are determined by the creature type, though. For outsiders, they're Bluff, Craft, Knowledge (planes), Perception, Sense Motive, and Stealth.

That means, it can't be a class skill for these critters. However, you could have given it a racial bonus to its Climb skills to give it that boost. That's perfectly legitimate.

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Jacob W. Michaels wrote:

The class skills are determined by the creature type, though. For outsiders, they're Bluff, Craft, Knowledge (planes), Perception, Sense Motive, and Stealth.

That means, it can't be a class skill for these critters. However, you could have given it a racial bonus to its Climb skills to give it that boost. That's perfectly legitimate.

Ah ha - I missed that, I was using a rogue based like skill list to play off the theme of gaining entry to victims domiciles - ah well, still much to learn *scribble*, *scribble*

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Sure I'll share!

Malevolent red eyes flicker to life and join the sounds of cobblestones grinding together. What once was an innocent pathway or pile of bricks is now a looming humanoid looking creature.
Cobblestone Lurker CR 2
XP 600
N Medium construct
Init +0; Senses darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision; Perception +0
----- Defense -----
AC 14, touch 10, flat-footed 14 (+4 natural)
hp 31 (2d10+20)
Fort +0, Ref +0, Will +0
Immune construct traits;
Weaknesses vulnerable to force
----- Offense -----
Speed 30 ft., brickwalk
Melee Slam +6 (1d6+6)
Special Attacks pothole (DC 14), quick set (DC 14, 1d6 bludgeoning)
----- Statistics -----
Str 19, Dex 10, Con —, Int —, Wis 11, Cha 1
Base Atk +2; CMB +6; CMD 16
SQ cohesion
----- Ecology -----
Environment urban
Organization solitary, pair, or alley (3-5)
Treasure living mortar (see below)
----- Special Abilities -----
Brickwalk (Ex) As a full round action the cobblestone lurker may give up its physical cohesion, causeing its cobblestones to drop in a pile while its mortar travels in a stream to any source of cobblestones within 60 ft. Once per day the cobblestone lurker may heal 2d6 points of damage by reforming from new materials.
Cohesion A cobblestone lurker’s stones are held together by its living mortar. Any blow causing half or more of its total hitpoints or a spell with the force descriptor forces the cobblestone lurker to succeed at a DC 12 Fortitude save or lose its cohesiveness for 1d3 rounds. When in this state the cobblestone lurker loses its natural armor bonus and the living mortar may only take move actions. The cobblestone lurker automatically reforms from the original materials or any cobblestones within 60 ft. at the end of these rounds.
Pothole (Ex) A stomp causes the ground in all adjacent squares of the cobblestone lurker to become difficult terrain. Anyone occupying one of these squares must succeed at a reflex save or be knocked prone. Cobblestone lurkers are not affected by this ability.
Quick Set (Ex) A cobblestone lurker may attempt to build itself around a prone. This works as the engulf ability except the target must be prone.

Cobblestone lurkers are the result of alchemical run-off in less regulated cities or areas. The strange concoctions that are carelessly disposed of give mortar life in the surrounding paved streets. It wasn’t long before a use was found for the accidental creation. The living mortar is combined with cobblestones by the more nefarious purveyors of alchemical products.

The unwary can find themselves under assault from this humanoid shaped creature as a means for the greedy to keep products, gold, and take life. Some alleys are truly paved over the remains of victims. Although mainly found in larger cities these fearsome golems can be found anywhere cobblestones pave the way and greed paves the heart.

When damaged enough to force the cobblestone lurker to lose its cohesive form, some of the living mortar can be salvaged. An adventurer can get enough of this living mortar to fill two vials from each cobblestone lurker. The mortar can then be used in the creation of tanglefoot bags. When used in creating tanglefoot bags it increases the DCs of any save by 2. Each vial of living mortar is an alchemical item worth 100 gp.

Construction
Cobblestone lurkers are created from mortar saturated with alchemical cocktails worth 500 gp and cobblestones.
Cobblestone Lurker
CL 7th; Price 7,500 gp
----- Construction -----
Requirements Craft Construct, animate objects, absorbing touch, false life, greater; Skills Craft (stonemasonry) DC 17; Cost 4,000 gp.

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Cobblestone Lurker

I like this creature, especially the image of a party moving down a dark alley when all of the sudden...

So you say that the creature is created accidentally through industrial waste, but also through a complicated recipe at the end. Which one, or both? Sometimes they come to be accidentally, sometimes they're created on purpose? I get that the ones created on purpose would serve their creators as guards, but what about the accidental ones? What's their motivation for attacking anybody? A mindless, random occurance of chemicals isn't really going to be interested in randomly slaying greedy people. I would drop the pollution aspect (though I agree it's interesting, just problematic) and focus on these beasties being the sentinal creations of wizards, theives' guilds, rich and greedy merchants, etc.

As a minor nitpick, you missed the word (I assume "target") at the end of the first sentence describing the Quick Set ability. I like the Quick Set and Pothole abilities, but a big part of me wants to see some ability to animate and fling cobblestones at the party.

Finally, there's no Golarion tie-in at all here. Maybe connect these guys to the Golemworks in Magnimar (if going the accidental route), or designate them as creations of the Aspis Consortium, protecting its urban holdings.

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Hehehe thanks Nazard! Yep this was a (close to) final draft that I needed to pick through! Can't believe I left out the target :)

I had meant to strike out the accidental part if I progressed to Top 32. I had much the same reaction from some of my review circle.

I would have definitely been caught off guard with the Golarion tie-in...as a spectator I can see now that the judges really wanted Golarion ties but in development I had only considered making it Golarion appropriate. Good thing I didn't make it through :) Thanks again!

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Since Anthony's part of my review circle I'll skip his :)

Pangolaisian Spellsnatch

Hmmm...not sure what pangolaisian means. Is it a specific Golarion place?

Diminuitive! Awesome...and incorporeal...I'd start worrying about TPK's at the moment. Good thing it's not a swarm...

And Channel Resistance +2...Cleric's bane!

A straight 1 Wis damage (not drain, whew!). I think I kind of like it but I maybe would have gone with 1d2 or 1d3 Wis damage. Even with it's defenses...it still needs to be a REAL threat :)

Ahh...Pangolais and Nidal. Ok...I need to study a Golarion map...anyone have one?

Magic Absorption - So just to make sure this would work on a spontaneous caster? The wording leaves it to where I could see arguments about how it would know if a spell is unused in a spontaneous caster since their spells aren't prepared. Also...what about divine casters? But...a cool and deadly attack to casters.

Channel Negative - a cool way to unlock the power. I really like this.

I see they go looking for clerics of Desna...but my earlier comment about how Magic Absorption would work on a non-arcane class applies here. I know personally how it should work but it could be a little confusing to others or someone could get all wah-wah face when their cleric of awesome loses his Nth level spell for the day.

Overall - This is a cool entry. I would have liked a little more in the bottom description part. Definitely a hard encounter but it does no real damage until it absorbs a spell. Diminutive undead spell draining butterfly? Yeah I would have voted for it.

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Jacob W. Michaels wrote:

The class skills are determined by the creature type, though. For outsiders, they're Bluff, Craft, Knowledge (planes), Perception, Sense Motive, and Stealth.

That means, it can't be a class skill for these critters. However, you could have given it a racial bonus to its Climb skills to give it that boost. That's perfectly legitimate.

Outsiders get 4 bonus class skills of the designers choice, also...

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theheadkase wrote:
Hmmm...not sure what pangolaisian means. Is it a specific Golarion place?

Pangolais is the capitol of Nidal. A very creepy and strange place to be sure!

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Hopefully mine will be in WF11--if not, I'll post it up here.

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Alright, I'm in (598 words FTR):

Resembling a very small horned, winged fiend, this rock-like creature reveals a mass of sharp white fangs in a malicious oversized grin.
Gremlin, Gargolin CR 2
XP 400
CE Tiny Fey
Init +2; Senses darkvision 120 ft., low-light vision; Perception +2
----- Defense -----
AC 20, touch 14, flat-footed 18 (+2 Dex, +6 natural, +2 size)
hp 16 (3d6+6)
Fort +3, Ref +5, Will +2
DR 5/cold iron; SR 13
----- Offense -----
Speed 30 ft., fly 50 ft. (good)
Melee bite +3 (1d3–2), 2 claws +3 (1d2–2)
Ranged improvised thrown object +3 (1d4-2)
Space 2-1/2 ft.; Reach 0 ft.
Special Attacks bomb +4 (1d6 acid, fire, piercing, or sonic)
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 3rd; concentration +3)
At will—prestidigitation
1/hour—darkness, snare
1/day—summon swarm (bats)
----- Statistics -----
Str 6, Dex 14, Con 14, Int 10, Wis 8, Cha 10
Base Atk +1; CMB +1; CMD 9
Feats Throw Anything, Weapon Finesse
Skills Craft (traps) +10, Disable Device +5, Fly +16, Perception +2, Sleight of Hand +12, Stealth +16 (+24 in stony areas); Racial Modifiers +4 Craft (traps), +4 Sleight of Hand, +8 Stealth when in stony environs
Languages Undercommon
SQ create bomb
----- Ecology -----
Environment any underground or urban
Organization solitary, pair, or mob (3–12)
Treasure standard
----- Special Abilities -----
Create Bomb (Su) A gargolin can create a bomb as a standard action three times per day. This bomb is hastily created through bits, pieces, and alchemical substances magically purloined from the surrounding environment. The bomb can be thrown with a +4 bonus to hit and acts as a splash weapon doing 1d6 acid, fire, piercing, or sonic damage. The type of damage is chosen at the time the bomb is created. These hastily and magically created devices are highly unstable, and if they are not thrown within one round of their construction they will detonate at the gargolin’s location.

Gargolins resemble tiny gargoyles—from which their name is derived—and are around 12-15 inches tall. Although not as durable as gargoyles, gargolins are far from irrelevant pests. They have an innate ability to create bombs and small traps, and take great pleasure from causing lingering wounds which they find exceedingly funny. They use their magic, bats, and bombs to spread fear and drive panicked people running into their lethal traps. A favorite trick is to quickly assemble a small explosive trap and place it on an item that is actually being used such as the tools of an artisan at work.

Gargolins are unique among gremlins in that they did not originate in the First World, but on Golarion. How these fey first animated is subject to speculation but little fact. They were first encountered in Ardis, the former capital of Ustalav. The leading theory is that the horrors perpetuated in that city over the years somehow allowed malicious fey spirits to break through the woefully weakened barriers at the time of Aroden’s death. They then possessed miniature decorative gargoyles, bringing them to life.

Whatever the reason, they have since spread to other urban areas of Ustalav and to other cities of the Inner Sea with extensive statuary and ornate architecture such as Absalom and Magnimar. Their ability to blend into stonework and their small size make them extremely difficult to eradicate. It is rare for other gremlins to be found with gargolins as most gremlins regard them as “not pure fey”. Gargolins hold the others in equal contempt for most being unable to fly or—in the case of hanivers—for their fragile natures.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Champion Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka GM_Solspiral

I intend on using mine elsewhere so I will not post it here. The jist is a lesser version of a mimic that is a weaker CR2-3 encounter on its own but acts as template upping the power of any creature it bonds with. Host has to feed it or it feeds on host.

Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7

Mine still needed more work but this is the gist of it.. I tried to stick with the Tian Theme. Came to 600 words exactly, so it needed a little trim possibly.

**************
Dubbed flying heads, these evil creatures have gaunt faces, long scraggly black hair, blood red eyes and pale white rubbery flesh. In addition to thin bluish lips, razor sharp teeth, a blade like elongating tongue and black leathery wings that extend two feet out from their skulls in each direction. At the very base of the skull is a four-fingered chicken foot it uses to hang or stand with.
Akuma Tobu Kao CR 3
XP 800
Neutral Evil Small outsider (native, oni)
Init +7; Senses Darkvision 60ft, Low-light vision; Perception +7
----- Defense -----
AC 15, touch 12, flat-footed 15 (+3 dex, +2natural)
hp 26 (4d10+4)
Fort +2, Ref +7, Will +2
Defensive Abilities Escape Death, Replenish Self, Ever Vigilant
----- Offense -----
Speed fly 60 ft. (Good Maneuverability)
Melee Bite +7 (1D4+3 Damage plus Bleed/Latch), Tongue Lash +7 (1D4/2 +3 plus Bleed/Strength Drain)
Special Attacks Strength Drain (DC14 Fort, loss of 1 strength point), Bleed (1D4/2)

----- Statistics -----
Str 16, Dex 16, Con 13, Int 13, Wis 11, Cha 2
Base Atk +4; CMB +15; CMD 18
Feats Flyby Attack, Hover
Skills Perception +5, Escape Artist +7, Intimidate +4, Knowledge (oni) +5, Fly +7 Racial Modifiers +2 Perception, +2 Fly
Languages Common
SQ change shape (Medium humanoid), perfect copy, replenish self
----- Ecology -----
Environment any urban, any (where humanoids can be found)
Organization solitary
Treasure none
----- Special Abilities -----
Latch (Ex) Akuma can attempt to Latch onto its prey with a bite attack as a free action. This allows it to make a grab attempt even on creatures 2 size categories larger than it, at a +4 to their CMB. This also adds +4 to CMD to resist being pulled free.
Replenish Self (Ex) The Akuma drinks the blood from its victims to replenish itself. For every 4 hit points it drinks in tongue lash damage, it can restore to 1 lost hit point never exceeding its original hit point total.
Change Shape (Su) If the Akuma has successfully killed a humanoid creature, it can change shape (as alter self ) to appear as that creature, this however will consume the imitated body into ash. This binds the Akuma to the imitated form until slain.
Perfect Copy (Su) The Akuma does not have any connections to the memories of those they copy. They do have an unconscious pull towards where the humanoid once dwelled and to loved ones they had in life. This allows the Akuma to follow this pull in order to enter the humanoids home and therefore blend into their lives.
Escape Death (Su) When in humanoid form, if the body is slain, the Akuma can pull its head free from the body to return to its true form at ½ its original hit points. It will only retreat until it is free from harm. The only way to permanently kill the Akuma is to kill it in its natural form.
Ever Vigilant (Su) The Akuma can’t be surprised or caught flat footed and has no need to sleep.

Akuma were once Kami trying to help evil humans that spent their cruel lives hurting their loved ones. Instead of curing that evil, the Kami were drawn into the same cruel world. The newborn Oni draws pleasure from the suffering of others and is especially attuned to hurting the most pure and innocent of victims. The Akuma eagerly watches human settlements for apparent victims. When it sees one alone, it will swoop down from the dark and steal their lives eagerly anticipating the sweet rush of power to come.

Shadow Lodge Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

I hope I made it right since I reworked it in a few minutes... it had 60 words beyond the limit. now should be 594 words.

------
This elegant woman of unsettling beauty stares at you with seducing eyes.
Aesthete CR 4
XP 1,200
CE Medium Undead
Init +3; Senses darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +9

----- Defense ----- AC 16, touch 14, flat-footed 12 (+3 dex, +1 dodge, +2 natural)
hp 45 (6d8+18)
Fort +6, Ref +6, Will +7
Immune Undead Traits;
Weaknesses cursed art
----- Offense -----
Speed 30 ft.
Melee dagger +5 (1d4)
Special Attacks Alluring Call, Drain Inner Beauty, Subjugation
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 4th; concentration +7)
3/day—Charm Person (DC 14), Hypnotism (dc 14), Unnatural Lust (dc 14)
1/day—Enthrall (DC 15)
----- Statistics -----
Str 11, Dex 16, Con --, Int 11, Wis 10, Cha 17
Base Atk +5; CMB +8; CMD 18
Feats Agile maneuver, deceitful, dodge
Skills Bluff +11, Disguise +11, Perception +9, Stealth +12
Languages common
----- Ecology -----
Environment Urban
Organization solitary, pair, or clique (3–9)
Treasure Triple
----- Special Abilities -----Cursed Aesthete
Alluring Call (Su) As a standard action, an Aesthete can invite a creature within 300 feet to approach its position as if compelled to do so via a suggestion spell (DC 16 Will negates). A creature that successfully saves is not subject to the same Aesthete's alluring call for 24 hours. When an affected creature begins its turn adjacent to the Aesthete, it is fascinated for that round. These effects continue as long as the Aesthete takes a standard action to maintain the effect, plus 1 additional round. This is a mind-affecting effect. The save DC is Charisma-based.
Cursed Art (Su) An Aesthete is mystically bonded to a single piece of art and must never stray more than 200 yards from it. Most cursed art pieces are paintings, but other visual art forms function as well. An Aesthete takes 1d6 points of Charisma damage for every hour that is out of range of her cursed art.
An Aesthete cannot stand the sight of her cursed art and become panicked if she sees it.
An Aesthete is destroyed if her Charisma drops to 0 or her cursed art is damaged.
Drain Inner Beauty (Su) An Aesthete can absorb charisma from a mortal by prolonged contact, such holding hands, hugging or dancing. Unless willing or fascinated, a victim must be grappled before the Aesthete can use this ability. The Aesthete deals 1d4 points of Charisma damage, causing her target to grow progressively subservient. A point of lost Charisma can be recovered for every damage dealt. The victim must succeed on a DC 16 Will save to avoid being fascinated. These save DCs are Charisma-based.
Subjugation (Su) An Aesthete can create a thrall out of a humanoid whose charisma is reduced to 0 with Drain Inner Beauty. A thrall is under the command of the Aesthete until his charisma damage is completely healed.

Ever obsessed by their beauty, Aesthetes raise from the bodies of debased cultist of Socothbenoth, demon lord of hedonism and perversion, that take their own lives, being unable to accept the idea of losing their youth. Returned to the world as unaging and soulless abominations, they indulge in their depravation and the constant adulation of their thralls. While the aesthete can virtually remain beautiful forever, an artistic celebration of their image takes on itself the corruption of their inner beauty. The aesthete life is fueled by the art, but at the same time it's corruption ultimately affect his appearance. An aesthete must hunt for the living to nourish their powers with flattery. Reduced to adoring thralls, those unfortunate mortals exist only to feed their masters ego.

Shadow Lodge Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

Nightmare child
I already received this monster and already gave my opinion to Adam.
I noticed you reworked the monster to implement my suggestions.
I think now is a way better monster than the one you sent me before, all the clarity issues and weird mechanics are resolved... the only problem that remains and is not easily fixed is that is kind of a one trick pony. And he deals with sleeping people. That means is somehow of limited use for a gm.
But that is now just a minor problem.
Good job

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Phloid

All right. I'll post one of the two I was working on. I challenged the top 32 to create a "cute monster" since Adam said they were hard to impress him with. This was my attempt at that challenge. I didn't quite finish this so I can't be sure that everything is balanced or there are no major errors. I think that, had I made the top 32, this is not the monster I would have entered. I'm keeping that one to myself for now.

This fluffy, white-haired humanoid with bulbous, black eyes, and comb-like antennae, flitters about on moth-like wings.
Mottefey CR 2
XP 600
NG Tiny fey
Init +3; Senses detect evil, see in darkness; Perception +10

----- Defense -----
AC 15, touch 15, flat-footed 12 (+3 Dex, +2 size)
hp 18 (4d6+4)
Fort +2, Ref +7, Will +5
DR 5/cold iron; SR 13
Weaknesses light sensitivity, vulnerability to fire

----- Offense -----
Speed 10 ft., fly 40 ft. (good)
Melee rapier +7 (1d2-3)
Space 2-1/2 ft.; Reach 0 ft.
Special Attacks sneak attack +1d6
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 5; concentration +8)
At will—ghost sound (DC 14), know direction
1/day—dust of twilight (DC 16), resist energy, protective penumbra
Constant—detect evil

----- Statistics -----
Str 5, Dex 17, Con12, Int 12, Wis 13, Cha 18
Base Atk +2; CMB +3; CMD 10
Feats Alertness, Weapon Finesse
Skills Bluff +7, Diplomacy +10, Fly +15, Knowledge (local) +8, Knowledge (nature) +8, Perception +10, Sense Motive +10, Stealth +15, Survival +5
Languages Common, Sylvan

----- Ecology -----
Environment any temperate or warm forest, or urban
Organization solitary, gang (2–5), or band (6–11)
Treasure standard (rapier, other treasure)

----- Special Abilities -----
Light Obsession (Su) At night or indoors, the first time a mottefey comes within 15 feet of a particular artificial light (flame, alchemical, or magic) it must succeed at a Will saving throw or be affected as by a reckless infatuation spell, with the light as its focus. The DC for this save depends on the light's strength. The light from a spell or magical item has a DC of 10 + the spell level + the caster/creator's relevant ability bonus. A candle has a DC 7; a torch or lantern is DC 11, and a sunrod is DC 14. If another character carries the light source, the mottefey receives a +2 bonus to its save. This bonus increases to +8 if that character detects as evil. If a character later takes possession of the light, or possession passes to another, the mottefey gets another save (with bonus) to end the effect.

An obsessed mottefey's attitude increases by two steps for any character who carries its light. This inflated friendliness ends if the light goes out or the sun comes up.

The mottefey can only be infatuated by one light at a time. If a larger fire, brighter light, or a more powerful magic comes within 15 feet, the mottefey must make save as above. Failure switches its infatuation to the new light.

In the First World, the mottefey were a preferred prey of Lurkers in the Light and developed defenses against them. Alas, at some point, the majority of the race left the First World and came to the Material Plane to escape their tormentors. Ever watchful for their evil cousins, the nocturnal mottefey made their homes near humanoid settlements so they could watch light sources for signs of the Lurkers. Over time, they began to develop an obsession with the lights they watched. It is speculated that bright lights have a mesmerizing or euphoric effect on their acute visual senses.

Sometimes referred to as "Watchers in the Night" by those who know their history, these creatures have proven themselves useful to many adventurers. Mottefey see much of what happens at night in the settlements in which they live and know their way around by referencing the street lanterns and other lights found there. A benevolent person in possession of a light source, might find the ordinarily shy mottefey to be quite friendly.

A mottefey is 16 inches tall, and weighs about 8 pounds.

Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
Nazard wrote:
James R. Casey wrote:
What do these creatures look like, smell like, sound like, etc.

Ummm....

The crimson skin of this misshapen, hairless humanoid is mottled with purple blotches. It flexes sickled claws as lipless flesh curls back revealing a wide maw of broken, jagged, blackened canines.

Agreed that the second sentence is slightly clunky, but how much more of a physical description do you want?

Thanks for the support there, but I will take a stab at answering in a different way to explain why my description was as light on these details as it was...

The problem with the initial description is it should only define what you see when encountering the creature - you cannot assume actions, so for example, "It quivers with anticipation and screams in defiance..." this would assume that it is reacting to your presence.

You can't do that on a monster's base description - the creature may be caught unawares and so wouldn't be screaming or twitching in anticipation.

Now in my case, I do have some animation, but it is more general / nervous twitch type of animation that would be happening irrespective of whether the creature knows of the parties presence of not. I think this is ok, but I agree I may have taken a step too far on that line.

An earlier draft, I had it twitching beside a sleeping being - again, here I was assuming encounter locale and situation - which is another thing you shouldn't do in the initial preamble.

So, going back to your original query - "what it looks like", I think is reasonably covered by that initial description, which if missing anything, is missing reference to the creatures size.

What does it smell like? I didn't give it a smell as I thought a hunter of the night wouldn't necessarily give off a smell in order to assist the avoidance of detection. But yes, I could have, so this is a valid question.

What does it sound like - ah ha - I didn't put this in the initial description because sounds invariably are a big lead in to what is happening and so forces assumptions. I did cover sound in the latter ecology parts - where I mention it ululates, when cornered, with the sound of many overlapping voices. I could have added something about it moving silently but again, this would be assuming it was using the stealth skill at the time it was encountered.

This is quite the challenge with any monster design, being able to describe it without assuming action. All description should reflect that initial sighting of the creature, when it could be doing absolutely anything.

I hope that helps explains why my monster description was more limited on some aspects of the elements we can use to describe things, and helps explain why further action based description came after the stat block and not before it.

I think I'm fairly close to the correct understanding on this, and I am absolutely confident some clever soul will tell me if I'm wrong.

Shadow Lodge Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

Pangolaisian Spellsnatch

I like the general idea of the monster. And I grew to like Nidal.
My concern is with his powers.
The comparison to shadows is obvious, they are both incorporeal, they both drain abilities, both cr 3.
The Pangolaisian Spellsnatch is way more powerful.
Granted that his damage is way lower (1 wisdom against 1d6 strenght) his attack roll and his armor class is way higher (no doubt as a result of being diminutive)
Also, their ability to steal spells and use them as negative energy channels is pretty scary.
And his wisdom drain affects directly the chance to resist it's effects.
That being said is not off the charts, I just feel he needs a little tweak here and there.

Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7

Pangolaisian Spellsnatch CR 3

I like this monster as well. I believe there is a little more crafting you would have done to seal the deal but honestly I liked it better then a lot of those that made it into the top 32. (cough) just saying..

My impression is we should all get scores based on the job we do throughout the entire contest and in the end the one with the highest score is selected as the contest winner. That way you get to see the full spectrum of talent throughout the entire contest instead of weeding off someone that might not have a great item idea but a fantastic Monster or Module idea.

Just my opinion here of course.

Anyways.. I dig the PSS and would use it.

Anthony, I like your monster as well. Again it swings heavier then what I saw.

Hang tough crafters!!!

RPG Superstar 2009 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8 aka Ezekiel Shanoax, the Stormchild

Here's what I would've submitted. Anyone and everyone should feel free to use it if they like. The concept depends heavily on Paizo-specific intellectual property, so I won't be submitting it anywhere else.

The shambling figure's face ripples, its wordless mouth suddenly overflowing with a vomitous torrent of hissing three-eyed beetles.

Huskwalker Scarab Swarm, Mythic CR 3/MR 1
XP 800
CE Diminutive vermin (mythic, swarm)
Init +2; Senses darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +4

----- Defense ----- 
AC 17, touch 16, flat-footed 15 (+2 Dex, +1 natural armor, +4 size)
hp 34 (4d8+16)
Fort +6, Ref +3, Will +3
Defensive Abilities swarm traits; Immune weapon damage

----- Offense -----
Speed 20 ft., climb 20 ft., fly 30 ft. (poor)
Melee swarm (2d6)
Space 10 ft.; Reach 0 ft.
Special Attacks distraction (DC 14), inhabit, mental infestation, mythic inhabit, mythic power (1/day, surge +1d6)

----- Statistics -----
Str 1, Dex 15, Con 14, Int 7, Wis 10, Cha 8
Base Atk +3; CMB —; CMD —
Feats Iron Will(M), Skill Focus (Stealth)
Skills Climb +10, Disguise +1, Fly +4, Perception +4, Stealth +19; Racial Modifiers +4 Perception
Languages Aklo

----- Ecology -----
Environment warm urban
Organization solitary, pair, block (4-8 swarms), or district (50-75 swarms)
Treasure none

----- Special Abilities -----
Inhabit (Ex) A huskwalker scarab swarm can enter the body of a helpless or dead creature by crawling into its mouth and other orifices. Inhabiting a body requires 1 minute, and the victim must be Small, Medium, or Large. The swarm can abandon the body at any time as a full-round action. Any attack against the host deals half damage to the swarm as well, although the swarm's immunities may negate some or all of this damage. When a swarm inhabits a dead body, it effectively transforms the corpse into a zombie of the appropriate size under the swarm's control. If a swarm inhabits a living victim, it can control the victim's movement and actions as if using dominate monster. Huskwalker scarabs quickly consume a living victim, dealing 2d4 points of Constitution damage per hour. An inhabited creature is easy to spot, since its skin crawls with the forms of the insects inside. A swarm can attempt a Disguise check to conceal its inhabitation of a host, with a –4 penalty if currently inhabiting a Small host. A remove disease or heal spell cast on an inhabited victim forces the swarm to abandon its host.

Mental Infestation (Ex) While using its inhabit ability inside a living host, a huskwalker scarab swarm can expend one use of mythic power to inhabit the host's mind, using the host's Intelligence, knowledge, and languages as if they were its own. This mental infestation fades after 12 hours, or ends immediately if the host dies or the swarm abandons the body.

Mythic Inhabit (Ex) Multiple huskwalker scarab swarms can combine to inhabit the body of a creature which is Huge (4 swarms), Gargantuan (16 swarms), or Colossal (64 swarms). Combined swarms share a single pool of mythic power.

Huskwalker scarabs dwell in the shadows of the ancient metropolis of Sothis, quietly scavenging carrion from the city's streets. Some citizens keep the three-eyed insects as talismans of civic pride, noting their curious resemblance to Orision's national emblem and to the Black Dome – the colossal beetle carapace which dominates Sothis' skyline. Doomsayers believe the scarabs are the fractured soul of Ulunat, Spawn of Rovagug, come to reanimate the long-dormant husk.

Mindless individually, huskwalker scarabs form a sinister hive mind when swarmed together. Frighteningly adept at concealing its presence and predations, a swarm strikes suddenly then walks the body of its victim away, using the host as a larder, breeding ground, and servant in both life and death.


I'll give mine a stab in the dark, so to speak.

I do need some suggestions on mine, while I like the concept, the mechanics have me flailing a bit.

Wrapped in shadows and darkness, this creature has glowing red eyes. Fear seems to radiate from its gaze as it grows larger with each heartbeat.
Eoduksini CR 4
XP 1,200
CE Medium outsider (evil, native)
Init +6; Senses see in darkness; Perception +8 (+13)
Aura Feed on Fear (30 ft.)
----- Defense -----
AC 16, touch 12, flat-footed 14 (+2 Dex, +4 Natural)
hp 40 (5d10+5)
Fort +5, Ref +6, Will +1
Resist Cold 5, Electricity 5
----- Offense -----
Speed 30 ft., climb 30 ft.
Melee Claw +4 (1d4+1 plus Shadow’s Grasp)
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks Shadow’s Grasp, Fear Assault
----- Statistics -----
Str 12, Dex 14, Con 13, Int 10, Wis 11, Cha 15
Base Atk +2; CMB +4; CMD 15
Feats Improved Initiative, Weapon Finesse, Improved Natural Armor
Skills Escape Artist +10, Intimidate +10, Knowledge (Planes)+8, Perception +8(+13), Sense Motive +8, Stealth +15; Racial Modifiers +5 Stealth, +5 Perception in dim illumination or darkness
----- Ecology -----
Environment any urban (Tien Xia)
Organization solitary, or pair
Treasure standard
----- Special Abilities -----
Shadow’s Grasp (Su) When an eoduksini strikes a creature it rips some of the creature’s vitality away. Whenever an eoduksini hits with a claw attack, the amount of damage done to the target, heals the eoduksini the same amount..
Fear’s Thrall (Su) The eoduksini may use its Fear’s Thrall ability to hold a creature in a near trance state - locking the target’s gaze upon theeoduksini. A DC 15 Will save is needed to successfully keep from being drawn into the eoduksini’s thrall. The eoduksini can only affect a creature once iper day with this ability, whether or not the save is successful. This is a mind-affecting, fear effect.
Thing of Nightmares (Su) As a creature gazes upon theeoduksini, fear and raw emotional energy is drawn out of it. The eoduksini uses this ability to appear to grow large and even more hideous. A creature must succeed a DC 15 Fort save to keep from feeding theeoduksini. A failed save causes the target to be wrapped in mental illusions of theeoduksini growing into a shadow of impossible darkness and stature. An affected creature takes a -2 on AC, CMD, saves as well as a -2 on attacks made against theeoduksini.
Fear Assualt (Su) Every 1d4 turns, the eoduksini may create a 20 ft. burst of fear, centered on itself. This burst saps a creature’s Strength by 1d4 points of damage. A successful DC 14 Reflex save reduces the damage by half.
Feed on Fear (Su) An eoduksini feeds on fear, and so long as a creature within 30 feet has been affected by any of the eoduksini’s abilities, the eoduksini gains Fast Healing 1+1 for each affected creature in the aura.
See In Darkness (Su) The creature can see perfectly in darkness of any kind, including that created by [i]deeper darkness[i].

Pulled from the Plane of Shadow during the Time of Darkness, the eoduksini found themselves in the lands of Tien Xia, midst a veritable buffet of fear. Sadistic in nature, eoduksini often take to terrorizing their prey before killing it, savoring the feast of fear before a creature is driven mad or dies of fright.

Taking to their new home, eoduksini began to spread across all of the Tien lands. Over time, however, the more solitary nature of the eoduksini took over, and the great bands that destroyed entire villages dispersed. Often eoduksini are driven out of villages or cities, only to return months or even years later.

Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7

I just want to drop in here to say that even though critiquing items is going way slower than I expected at the moment, once I finish that I will take a look at the creatures in this thread, just to make sure that everyone gets some attention and help.

It might take a while though.

Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Amy Gillespie wrote:

I'll give mine a stab in the dark, so to speak.

I do need some suggestions on mine, while I like the concept, the mechanics have me flailing a bit.

Wrapped in shadows and darkness, this creature has glowing red eyes. Fear seems to radiate from its gaze as it grows larger with each heartbeat.
Eoduksini CR 4
XP 1,200
CE Medium outsider (evil, native)
Init +6; Senses see in darkness; Perception +8 (+13)
Aura Feed on Fear (30 ft.)
----- Defense -----
AC 16, touch 12, flat-footed 14 (+2 Dex, +4 Natural)
hp 40 (5d10+5)
Fort +5, Ref +6, Will +1
Resist Cold 5, Electricity 5
----- Offense -----
Speed 30 ft., climb 30 ft.
Melee Claw +4 (1d4+1 plus Shadow’s Grasp)
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks Shadow’s Grasp, Fear Assault
----- Statistics -----
Str 12, Dex 14, Con 13, Int 10, Wis 11, Cha 15
Base Atk +2; CMB +4; CMD 15
Feats Improved Initiative, Weapon Finesse, Improved Natural Armor
Skills Escape Artist +10, Intimidate +10, Knowledge (Planes)+8, Perception +8(+13), Sense Motive +8, Stealth +15; Racial Modifiers +5 Stealth, +5 Perception in dim illumination or darkness
----- Ecology -----
Environment any urban (Tien Xia)
Organization solitary, or pair
Treasure standard
----- Special Abilities -----
Shadow’s Grasp (Su) When an eoduksini strikes a creature it rips some of the creature’s vitality away. Whenever an eoduksini hits with a claw attack, the amount of damage done to the target, heals the eoduksini the same amount..
Fear’s Thrall (Su) The eoduksini may use its Fear’s Thrall ability to hold a creature in a near trance state - locking the target’s gaze upon theeoduksini. A DC 15 Will save is needed to successfully keep from being drawn into the eoduksini’s thrall. The eoduksini can only affect a...

Okay, I'll give this one a look-over.

Descriptive text: first sentence is okay, second is a fragment that assumes something about the encounter (growing larger with each heartbeat, which suggests a failed save against the Thing of Nightmares ability)
Aura: Feed on Fear shouldn't go in the aura line. Auras are static area effects around a creature that affect the creatures around them (an aura of fear that causes all within 30 feet to become shaken on a failed Will save would be an example). Feed on Fear should go in the SQ line (I think).

Abilities (should always be alphabetized):
Shadow's Grasp: this is an at-will vampiric touch type ability. Very powerful, as it effectively doubles the monster's action economy (it inflicts damage and heals damage at the same time).
Fear's Thrall: typos. Also, I have no idea what sort of status this ability imposes (looks like dazed), and it's hugely powerful to have an at-will daze ability with no HD restriction. How long does the trance last? You could save a lot of words and confusion here by giving it a 3/day daze monster SLA.
Thing of Nightmares: types. How does this ability activate? It looks like it goes off whenever a creature looks at the eoduksini, which should make this ability a gaze attack. Making this ability a fear gaze, that inflicts the shaken condition would tighten this up mechanically. You never mention that this ability is a mind-affecting and fear effect, nor give any indication on how long this ability lasts. Also, avoid the "i" word (illusions), as that brings up a ton of issues, like do gnomes get a bonus to resist this effect, what about if I have true seeing on, etc.
Fear Assault: I don't think this ability is necessary, with all the other fear-based things going on. If you give a monster too many different abilities, you're going to find that some of them never get used by GMs, in which case you might as well not have written them. But, looking at it as presented, say "rounds" not "turns", make the save DC 15 (to match the other abilities), and this doesn't feel like a Reflex-type effect to me (Fort or Will both fit better).
Feed on Fear: this is fine (though not an aura), except you shouldn't say (affected by the eoduksini's abilities) because that might also apply to the Shadow's Grasp ability, which I don't think was your intention. Instead, just say "currently suffering from any fear effect".
See In Darkness: a universal monster rule, so you don't need to spell out what it does. Save yourself some words here.

Follow-up Text: There's nothing here that says why this creature is urban, other than that it likes to scare people and cities are where the people are. The same could be said for ogres who like to eat people, but don't live in the cities. I would also like to see a little more here about the creature's preferred tactics, the order it likes to use its abilities, what kind of PCs it would target first, etc.

Oh my, I wrote a lot. Please feel free to take any and all of this with a very large grain of salt.

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@Amy

It looks at first glance like you struggle with the same thing I struggle with - knowing when to stop.

For a CR 4 creature, my immediate reaction was - "6 abilities... that's a lot of special abilities" - the more of these there are causes two main problems...

a) the GM keeping them all straight in his head when running the encounter with your creature

b) it really squeezes your word count resulting in very short ecology/tactics/additional description at the end of the stat block.

So, as a suggestion, go back and look at the six, try to eliminate two of them that are the least in theme with your central creature ethos - you will probably find it focuses the whole theme much more tightly, with less distraction, easier play at the table - not to mention allowing you more words to really make your descriptions sparkle visually and thematically.

My first draft of the nightmare child had 7 special abilities, so I do know how hard it can be to stop sometimes ;) - although having all 7 on the first draft did allow me to then concentrate on weeding them down.

As an example, looking at your abilities - we have a core theme of fear, so let's concentrate on that. Drop see in darkness - bam - already we are much tighter on theme with little loss to the overall design (you could even replace this ability with the standard darkvision sense.

Let's try for a second one, hmmm, Feed on Fear gives it healing, as does Shadow's Grasp. I would be tempted to drop Shadow's Grasp as fast Healing at CR 4 is good enough and the ability names again end up focusing on the Fear aspect.

Also be consistent in how an ability is used...

Thing of NIghtmares - is it activated by the creature "the creature uses" or by the PC "gazing upon" it? I hope that makes sense.

Hope there is something useful in this rambling brain dump for you.

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Nazard wrote:

Formed of shadow, this obsidian butterfly has a head of a human skull and beats its wings with a sound which cannot quite be heard.

Pangolaisian Spellsnatch CR 3
XP 800
CE Diminutive undead (incorporeal)
Init +7; Senses darkvision 60 ft., detect good; Perception +5

----- Defense -----
AC 19, touch 19, flat-footed 16 (+4 Size, +3 Dex, +2 deflection)
hp 15 (2d8+6)
Fort +2 Ref +3 Will +4
Defensive Abilities channel resistance +2, incorporeal; Immune undead traits
----- Offense -----
Speed fly 20 ft. (Perfect)
Melee incorporeal touch +8 (1 Wisdom damage plus magic absorption)
Space 1 ft.; Reach 0 ft.
Special Attacks channel negative energy

----- Statistics -----
Str —, Dex 16, Con —, Int 4, Wis 13, Cha 15
Base Atk +1; CMB +0; CMD 12
Feats Improved Initiative
Skills Fly +17, Perception +5, Stealth +19 (+23 in dim light, +15 in bright light); Racial Modifiers +4 Stealth in dim light (–4 in bright light)
Languages Common

----- Ecology -----
Environment urban (Pangolais and neighboring Nidalese settlements)
Organization solitary or flock (2-5)
Treasure incidental
----- Special Abilities -----
Channel Negative Energy (Su) Once a spellsnatch has absorbed at least 1 spell level with its magic absorption ability, it is able to channel that magic as negative energy, as the cleric ability of the same name. The spelllsnatch can choose to harm living creatures or heal undead creatures with this energy. The amount of damage dealt or healed is equal to 1d6 points of damage for each level of absorbed spell, and all absorbed spell levels must be used at the same time. If any of the absorbed spells contained the good descriptor, the...

Here goes:

Name: Very specific to locale, may confuse people
Description: I’d split into 2 sentences… good info and images, but disjointed.
Hit dice do not match CR & type(CR 3 undead should be 4HD)
Hit point modifier incorrect(2HD * +2 Cha mod = 4)
Magic absorption should be listed in special attacks
Skill points seem off- (base 4, -3 int = 1 rank/hd*2hd=)2 ranks, but seems to have 3 ranks and associated class bonuses distributed
Environment: Should have a terrain modifier to Urban(any, temperate, etc)
Special Abilites: Seem a bit overcomplicated. Maybe the absorption should be more like a drain. Each hit drains 1d3 spell levels of prepared or daily spell uses. Then channel is xd6 damage per level absorbed. Is there a limit to the number of spell levels that can be absorbed? Is there a length of time they can be stored for? The glowing red eyes feels tacked on.
Flavor text: What is the spellsnatch’s motivation? Does it feed on or unnaturally hunger for magical energy? Does it hate Desna? Is it programmed by its creator? Once a creature is drained of spells, does the spellsnatch keep trying to drain its wisdom, or do they leave it alone? There is not much to plot hook from in the text.

I like the visual: an inky black, shadow butterfly with a death’s head is cool. I can dig the spell stealing. It just needs some rounding into form.

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Used the idea kicking around my head on my blog.

Diseased Sludge
An ugly shade of brown-green, the viscous slime makes a wet squelching sound as it moves, releasing a putrid odour with every motion.
Diseased Sludge CR 5

XP 1,600
N Small ooze
Init +2; Senses blindsight 60 ft.; Perception -5
Defence
AC 18, touch 13, flat-footed 16 (+2 Dex, +5 natural, +1 size)
hp 52 (7d8+21)
Fort +5, Ref +4, Will -3
Defensive Abilities ooze traits
Weaknesses vulnerable to remove disease
Offence
Speed 20 ft. (climb 15 ft.)
Melee slam +7 (1d4+1 plus disease)
Special Attacks disease
Statistics
Str 13, Dex 14, Con 17, Int ―, Wis 1, Cha 1
Base Atk +5; CMB +5; CMD 17 (can’t be tripped)
Ecology
Environment urban
Organization solitary, outbreak (3-8), or epidemic (9-16)
Treasure none
Special Abilities
Disease (Ex) Tallow Fever: Slam―contact; save Fort DC 18; onset 2d8 hours; frequency 1 hour; effect 1 Con damage; cure 3 consecutive saves. The save DC is Constitution-based.
The skin of a victim of tallow fever grows waxy and soft. The flesh of a creature that dies of tallow fever dissolves leaving a pile of slime and bones. 1d3 hours after death the slime coalesces into a new diseased sludge one size smaller than the infected creature.
Vulnerable to Remove Disease (Ex) A remove disease spell deals 1d6 points of damage per caster level to a diseased sludge.


@Nazard: Ah! Tactics! How could I forget those? Very important. And I am the Queen of Typos, for some reason I just cannot see then in the 1st draft, something I need to work on.

@Anthony Adam: You know when you have a concept in mind and you try to make it work? I like getting rid of Shadow's Grasp and See in Darkness.

As for Thing In Nightmares, the Korean creature I took inspiration from grows larger the longer it is looked at. Infinite "Enlarge Person" is not fun, note interesting, really. I thought if I could render something in retesting akin to "Lock Gaze" that might be fun.
I think it is still doable with some rewrites.

Thank you both for your input!

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Amy Gillespie wrote:
@Anthony Adam: You know when you have a concept in mind and you try to make it work? I like getting rid of Shadow's Grasp and See in Darkness.

Me? Try to make things work? Nah? You jest, surely! :P

Seriously though, glad you found the suggestions useful.

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theheadkase wrote:

Malevolent red eyes flicker to life and join the sounds of cobblestones grinding together. What once was an innocent pathway or pile of bricks is now a looming humanoid looking creature.

Cobblestone Lurker CR 2
XP 600
N Medium construct
Init +0; Senses darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision; Perception +0
----- Defense -----
AC 14, touch 10, flat-footed 14 (+4 natural)
hp 31 (2d10+20)
Fort +0, Ref +0, Will +0
Immune construct traits;
Weaknesses vulnerable to force
----- Offense -----
Speed 30 ft., brickwalk
Melee Slam +6 (1d6+6)
Special Attacks pothole (DC 14), quick set (DC 14, 1d6 bludgeoning)
----- Statistics -----
Str 19, Dex 10, Con —, Int —, Wis 11, Cha 1
Base Atk +2; CMB +6; CMD 16
SQ cohesion
----- Ecology -----
Environment urban
Organization solitary, pair, or alley (3-5)
Treasure living mortar (see below)
----- Special Abilities -----
Brickwalk (Ex) As a full round action the cobblestone lurker may give up its physical cohesion, causeing its cobblestones to drop in a pile while its mortar travels in a stream to any source of cobblestones within 60 ft. Once per day the cobblestone lurker may heal 2d6 points of damage by reforming from new materials.
Cohesion A cobblestone lurker’s stones are held together by its living mortar. Any blow causing half or more of its total hitpoints or a spell with the force descriptor forces the cobblestone lurker to succeed at a DC 12 Fortitude save or lose its cohesiveness for 1d3 rounds. When in this state the cobblestone lurker loses its natural armor bonus and the living mortar may only take move actions. The cobblestone lurker automatically reforms from the original materials or any cobblestones within 60 ft. at the end of these rounds.
Pothole (Ex) A stomp causes the ground in all...

Descriptive Text: Careful assuming the position of the creature. What if you found It already in combat? I like the basic description though, humanoid made of bricks, glowing eyes, sounds like bricks grinding. Easy rewrite to remove the action.

Name: Fitting, and clear
Stat Block: CR2 construct would usually be 3 HD. Damage modifier seems high(+4 strength, but what is the other +2?). No modifier to urban(probably should be any).
Special Abilities: Does brickwalk provoke? How long does it take(ie. Does it reform the beginning of the next round, or the end of the current?) ? Cohesion is a rough drawback, its unlikely to survive long if that happens. Pothole is nice, gives a little battlefield control. Quick set is missing the “target” after prone.
Flavor Text: The first paragraph seems to contradict itself. I think you are trying to say that somebody noticed the runoff’s effect on mortar and then developed a way to create the lurker from this knowledge. Or do they occasionally spontaneously spawn? Since it’s mindless, is it given a basic instruction by its creator, or does it just attack anything nearby? Loss of cohesive form, is that death or any time the Cohesion special ability comes into play? Constrction, “skill” should be bolded. With no geas, is it controllable?

Overall: A truly urban construct. I like the feel of it. I can picture the road rising into an enemy. I think it might be a little weak for a CR2, though.(might not be, just a feeling). The text could use a little bit of focusing.

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