Old Testament Flicks


Movies


So...I've been reading The Bible for, like, a year now, and I'm only up to Psalms. Next is Proverbs. Both, I'm sure, have their good points, but, alas, neither have much narrative interest.

Then I saw a trailer for Aronofsky's Noah and read on-line that Ridley Scott is doing another Exodus. Which gave me the idea of making a list of Old Testament flicks to watch.

I already found plenty of on-line info about all the Biblical epics done by DeMille and Wyler and co., but I am looking for recommendations about the best Old Testament flicks (no Jesus...until maybe next year when I think I'll get to the New Testament).

Any recommendations will be appreciated.


I think it was TNT that did some good versions of the Old Test stuff. Sir Ben Kinglsey as Moses was pretty damn skippy.


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Thank you, Craig Bonham 141.

I stopped by the library today and picked up The Ten Commandments which seemed a pretty obvious place to start.

I remember seeing some scene with Yul Brynner and some sexy minx performing some kind hawt pagan sex dance...I'll have to go look and see which one that was. And I want to see Bette Davis as Jezebel.

But I'd love me some more recommendations.

The Exchange

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Doodlebug Anklebiter wrote:

And I want to see Bette Davis as Jezebel.

Um...I'm pretty sure the Bette Davis "Jezebel" has nothing to do with the Old Testament. Jezebel on imdb

Also:

Spoiler:

Mel Brooks wrote:


15!...10! 10 Commandments!


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:(

What a movie that would've been...

I must confess that while reading that part of Kings I couldn't help but picture her and Gregory Peck in my head.

Also, Zeugma, I picked up a copy of Bette and Leslie in OHB at the library today, too! Synergistic weirdiosity!

The Exchange

Doodlebug Anklebiter wrote:

:(

What a movie that would've been...

I must confess that while reading that part of Kings I couldn't help but picture her and Gregory Peck in my head.

Also, Zeugma, I picked up a copy of Bette and Leslie in OHB at the library today, too! Synergistic weirdiosity!

What is OHB?

Edit: nevermind. I just figured it out.


-Prince of Egypt

-Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (I'd recommend finding a performance, but a filmed version might be okay too)

-Joseph: King of Dreams


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Prince of Egypt is awesome.


Land of the Pharaohs

is a great movie, and a reason to fall in love with Joan Collins all over again, uh, *sigh*


Thank you for all the recommendations and keep 'em coming!

Even if they aren't even about the Old Testament!

[Looks at Terquem]


Avoid Solomon and Sheba at all costs. You'll actually be the dumber for having seen it.

[Wipes drool away.]


Hmm...I think that pagan sexy dance might've been Solomon...


Pagan Orgy!!!

Yup, this is exactly what I'm lookin' for. Your recommendation has been taken into consideration, Jaelithe, thank you, but Gina Lollobridgia wins out.


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Well ... upon further consideration ...

... yeah. Don Juan de Doodlebug is right.

Watch that part. :)


If the reading is a slog at times, I suggest committing to one or two chapters a day.

And while they have plenty of beauty, many Psalms are best read in the context of David's life when he wrote them, and in light of what they say about Jesus in the future...


QXL99 wrote:

If the reading is a slog at times, I suggest committing to one or two chapters a day.

I have, thus far, been reading it a Book at a time, with other non-Biblical books interspersed between. Psalms, though, I've been taking a couple of poems a day.

I read half of the OT last year, expect to finish it this year and, hopefully, will be moving on to the NT next year.

Reading is serious business: I plan it out years in advance.


Jaelithe wrote:

Well ... upon further consideration ...

... yeah. Don Juan de Doodlebug is right.

Watch that part. :)

IIRC, one of the reasons that they instituted the Hayes Code back in the day was all of the nudity and pagan orgies in the old, silent Biblical epics.

Hawt!


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1 n II Kings are my favs...Elijah ftw.


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Oh yeah, I heard there's another Jesus movie coming out this year, too.

Hollywood: We always do things in threes!


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Oh yeah, oh yeah, the first hour of The Ten Commandments was pretty awesome, I thought. Sure Chuck and Yul can be a bit stilted at times, but the sets! the colors! the costumes! the scantily-clad women (and oiled-up Chuck and Yul)!

I never realized Anne Baxter could be so toothsome.


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"Oh, Moses, Moses ... why did I have to fall in love with the Prince of Fools?!"

Or something like that.

She's great. :)


Kryzbyn wrote:
1 n II Kings are my favs...Elijah ftw.

Agreed. I also like the Judges, though:

1) Ehud was a hipster ninja-assassin before any of those things existed
2) Debra was all, "You know I'm a woman, right? If you call me in as your commander, I'm going to be the commander and, like, almost no one will remember your name." and the guy was all like, "Don't care, dooooooo iiiiiiiit!" and she did, and I still can't remember his name no matter how many times I read it and it's hilarious.
3) Gideon was hiding while illegally stealing some grain when the angel shows up, and goes, "Hail, brave Chosen One!" and Gideon's all, "Shut up! SHUT UP! They'll heeeeeeaaaaaaaaarrrrrr yoooooouuuuuuu! Also: AGH! IT'S A FLYING MAN ON FIRE!" and the Angel was like, "Yeah, sure, whatever, dude, just letting you know that you're the Chosen One." and Gideon's all, "CRAP! No! It's not me! You got the wrong guy!" and the Angel's all, like, "NOPE! You're him." And Gideon's all like, "Agh! I'm a fraidly little wimp-baby! Prove that I'm the chosen one!" and the angel did - several times 'cause Gideon was a pansy-face scardy-cat who demanded multiple (stupid) signs - and finally Gideon's all like, "... dang it, this sucks. 'Kay." and he saved the country from bad taxes.
4) Samson was a a lech, a sot, and a jerk with super powers. That is all. Lucky.

Also, I enjoy the Samuel books. Sam's doing a sweet job as prophet (though he kind of sucks as a dad), and the people are all, like, "Dude, we want a king, 'cause you suck as a dad." and Sammy's all, "Nah, guys, it's cool." and they're all, "Nope! We neeeeed this." and Sam's all, "Welp. Your (descendants') funeral." after God told him, "It's cool, bro, they just are annoyed with me right now. They'll get what they want, they just don't know how bad it'll go for 'em, later." And then they got a king, and he royally sucked (though at first he was pretty cool).

David was t3h winzors when he was younger, though, of course, he had his own flaws, most notably with Bathsheba, but also the whole counting everyone. Outside of that, though, he was pretty awesome.

Doodlebug Anklebiter wrote:
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Heh. That story. Funny thing is that Elijah didn't do anything to them. Like, at all. I think, at most, he just told them to go away or something.

Shadow Lodge

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Quote:
2) Debra was all, "You know I'm a woman, right? If you call me in as your commander, I'm going to be the commander and, like, almost no one will remember your name." and the guy was all like, "Don't care, dooooooo iiiiiiiit!" and she did, and I still can't remember his name no matter how many times I read it and it's hilarious.

Barak. =)

Shadow Lodge

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Quote:
Sam's doing a sweet job as prophet (though he kind of sucks as a dad)

Actually that was Eli - Samuel's mentor/predecessor - who was a lousy father. Samuel never had kids.


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Orthos wrote:
Quote:
...and I still can't remember his name no matter how many times I read it and it's hilarious.
Barak. =)

Must ... refrain ... from obvious ... sarcasm ...

Tacticslion, you should consider an entire rewrite of Scripture in the tone you employ above. You'd probably get a whole s%&!load of kids to read at least parts of it.

My head would explode, but ... I'm old, and used to chase people off my lawn before the ex-wife took everything. :)


I'm sorry, I thought you meant "old testament-ish"


Thanks! I will probably forget it tomorrow.
(I'm terrible with names.)

Orthos wrote:
Quote:
Sam's doing a sweet job as prophet (though he kind of sucks as a dad)
Actually that was Eli - Samuel's mentor/predecessor - who was a lousy father. Samuel never had kids.

I knew Eli sucked as a dad*. I thought Samuel did, too.

Hold on...

... actually, yeah, in chapter 8,

1 Samuel Chapter 8 wrote:

And it came to pass, when Samuel was old, that he made his sons judges over Israel.

2 Now the name of his first-born was Joel; and the name of his second, Abijah: they were judges in Beer-sheba.

3 And his sons walked not in his ways, but turned aside after lucre, and took bribes, and perverted justice.

4 Then all the elders of Israel gathered themselves together, and came to Samuel unto Ramah;

5 and they said unto him, Behold, thou art old, and thy sons walk not in thy ways: now make us a king to judge us like all the nations.

I kind of thought his kids were the reason Israel wanted a king.

Anyway, you got Barak, so... that's awesome.

Quote:

Tacticslion, you should consider an entire rewrite of Scripture in the tone you employ above. You'd probably get a whole s*#@load of kids to read at least parts of it.

My head would explode, but ... I'm old, and used to chase people off my lawn before the ex-wife took everything

My head already exploded a long time ago. It's creepy, really, how I keep talking and typing with no head. I'm like a zombie, but I can't eat brains and you can't re-kill me, because my head is already gone. So sad.**

My wife actually wants me to make a video series where I go through the Bible from the beginning. Part of the problem is that most of my humor is spontaneous, and I'm terrible at planning it out - it just comes off stilted and lame. Like

... but, yeah, the Bible is actually a blast if you make it so.

... except for Chronicles. Nothing makes Chronicles fun for me. Even the lewd jokes get old after a while. There are only so many ways you can substitute "begat" for dirty, lewd, or suggestive words and innuendo. Especially with ADD. Especially when you're really bad with names. :(

I've read the whole thing from several times. I still don't remember most of it. (Only the occasional notes of "and this happened" make it at all interesting to me.)

Pre-flood Genesis is actually really fascinating as well.

And duuuuuuuuuuuuuudes! Caleb taking the mountain in Joshua 15 is crazy! He's, like, 80! And he's all like (to his really extensive household and servants), "I'mma go take that mountain by myself. Iff'n you fellas (or whatever) feel like joining me (or whatever), that's cool." and then he charges a city and they're like, "Craaaaaaaaaaaap! It's a crazy old dude with a sword! And now we're dead!" and they were. Then Caleb's like, "I'mma tired from all the killing of all the armies by myself. If someone wants my daughter or whatever, go get that one city that I left behind." and Othniel was all like, "Dude, you're daughter's hawt! I'mma go kill that city for you!" and they were all like, "AGH! It's a horny batchelor! And he's killing us by himself!" and they died. And then his daughter was all like, "Dad, this guy is totally wicked! Can I also get some water, though, 'cause, like, this area is kinda dry, though awesome." and Caleb's all like, "Yeah, I'mma go kill some more super-giants." and they're all, "Dang it! That old man is crrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzy! And we're so dead right now!" and they were. And his daughter and new son in law got to have great baths for all the hawtness they worked up makin' Caleb grandkids. And that's how all of Caleb's slaves, servants, friends, children, in-laws, and family became super-rich land owners. 'Cause they were all, "Daaaaaaaaawg! We'll help the old guy! This' awesome!" and they did.

I also love the fact that King David - when he was just Wilderness Bandit David (that, in fact, did no banditry and just made his local area safe)

1) Was so good at making the local area safe, he was hired by the enemies of Israel to keep doing exactly that, so they could just leave him alone.

2) Had, like, 600 nearly-super-hero manly men that followed him everywhere 'cause he was so rockin' awesome; and then that one time when he was tired and thirsty a bunch of 'em went, "DAG-GUM! Drink for Dave!" and totally made this suicide run to go to a well surrounded by enemy soldiers, which, it turned out, wasn't a suicide run at all, because they were so daggum ultra-manly super-heroic that they bowled over all the enemy soldiers (that outnumbered them) like bowling pins as they rolled down the mountain to the well, and then back up the mountain with a full massive pitcher of water. And Dave was all, "Dudes, that was really stupid." and they're all, "Naw, dawg, you roxors." and Dave's all, "Man, you guys are the best." and chugs some goooooood water that day.

Bible's awesome.

* In fact, dude was pretty "fail" over-all - he couldn't recognize a praying woman from a drunk, and he was really rather poor at the whole temple-management thing in general; his sons didn't even really know about god. He was a fat old man who died, not from shock or sorrow, but from clumsiness caused by shock and sorrow... and the fact that he was fat. About the only thing he really did right was tell the crazy-pants praying woman (Hannah) that she'd have a kid (it seems just to get rid of her); tell the nearly-as crazy-pants Samuel, her son, to listen to the Voice and talk back to It because It was God; and put Sam in charge later, 'cause his sons sucked. Well, I suppose he did okay. But it was pretty sad.

** I can't believe The Internet hasn't provided a clip of Mantis saying this from Kung Fu Panda 2 - one of the best films of the year it was released, by the way. Get on it, Internet. You're failing me.

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