Living With Mental Illness


Off-Topic Discussions


WARNING: WALL OF TEXT AHEAD

I've mentioned it before, but feel like letting things out today and a semi-anonymous forum seems appropriate. I suffer from mental illness. I have Treatment Resistant Major Depression, General Anxiety Disorder leading to Agoraphobia, and Bipolar Disorder Type II. I was diagnosed with these in 2007, after I lost my job due to a drastic increase in my depression and anxiety. I now live on a pittance of a disability pension because I'm unable to even contemplate working again without nearly having a heart attack. The prospect terrifies me. I also have some physical ailments, but those aren't relevant here.

I don't know what triggered this onset. I just know that it's disrupted my life, the life my soon to be ex-wife (my illness is not the cause of the separation), and the life of my now 20 year old son. It's also begun to alienate me from my friends who simply don't understand what's happening to me. My memory is getting worse (plus, being almost 50, that's bound to start happening sooner or later), my cognitive skills are failing me, and some days I'm so afraid to go outside I can't even walk my dogs. I used to love taking walks at night in my neighborhood; I can't even contemplate that anymore.

I sometimes hallucinate visually (nothing major, just flickering shadowy movements from the corners of my eyes), and for a brief time imagined my deceased mother talking to me (they added more meds to the battery I was already taking and that went away). I obsess about things in the past, such as the farm where I grew up. Some days, like today, I keep feeling "bugs" on my skin, though nothing is there.

I'm a good guy. I'm intelligent (though possibly less than I once was), I love my family and friends, I'm funny, I love RPG's, and I've been the Dungeon Master for my merry band for over 25 years. The quality of my games suffer from my illnesses now, too. I joke about "being crazy", but it's a coping mechanism. I know things could be much worse. I take 5 meds daily specifically for my illness, and these barely keep my urges to scream or hide behind furniture in my house (literally, not figuratively) and from physically lashing out at strangers if I go shopping, which I try to avoid except when necessary. I manage to spend a session a month gaming at a great FLGS (Game Zone Alpha in Jacksonville, Arkansas), but that's about all I can handle most of the time. I have a hard time going to gatherings of my friends because I feel like they're talking about me and my "oddities". I want to go to GenCon one more time but I don't know if I could handle it now.

If anyone here, or if anyone here know of someone who deals with issues like these, how do you or they cope? Does knowing someone with mental illnesses make you nervous or uncomfortable if you're around them? What are your thoughts about how society looks at mental illness?

Thank you taking time to read this long and rambling post.

Lantern Lodge Customer Service Dire Care Bear Manager

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Removed some posts. Discussing your medications and their potential effects is a discussion you should be having with your doctor who knows and/or has access to your health history. Strangers on the internet cannot diagnois or prescribe medications as they are not *your* doctor (and in most cases are not doctors at all).

Grand Lodge

Pathfinder PF Special Edition, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

On the off chance that there may be a different medical angle to this that hasn't been covered, I might suggest you consider the following steps.

1. Toxicity Consultation. Is it possible that part of your problem may be in the form of an allergic reaction to something your not aware of? Can you remember any major changes in your diet, or location that might sync up? I would not rule out a form of Sick Building Syndrome either.

2. Nutrition and/or Hormonal Consultation. Diet can impact on mental illness in very subtle ways. Things like Caffeine addiction can do it in a major way.


Sara Marie wrote:

Removed some posts. Discussing your medications and their potential effects is a discussion you should be having with your doctor who knows and/or has access to your health history. Strangers on the internet cannot diagnois or prescribe medications as they are not *your* doctor (and in most cases are not doctors at all).

more than understandable. I would have added this in myself in my response, but You beat me to it. I have been working in mental health for a while and I always make sure everyone (especially myself) knows I'm not a doctor.


Are you participating or considered participating in any sort of therapeutic activities? Have you spoken with doctors about anything that could possibly help you cope with your problems in addition to medications?

Spoiler:
One of my players got back into the party recently after about eight or nine months of coping with some sort of anxiety disorder (I don't know exact details what exactly). She's much better now but it was nothing as severe as yours. She had better and worse times - when she was GMing a mage the ascension campaign she was in much better shape than last year due to (probably) group therapy she was participating in at that time.

The Exchange

LazarX wrote:

On the off chance that there may be a different medical angle to this that hasn't been covered, I might suggest you consider the following steps.

1. Toxicity Consultation. Is it possible that part of your problem may be in the form of an allergic reaction to something your not aware of? Can you remember any major changes in your diet, or location that might sync up? I would not rule out a form of Sick Building Syndrome either.

2. Nutrition and/or Hormonal Consultation. Diet can impact on mental illness in very subtle ways. Things like Caffeine addiction can do it in a major way.

#1 is the thing that I thought of immediately. We are so inundated with chemicals and other things like mold from lining in buildings that it can cause issues. My son is autistic and certain things can make him go from a quirky but relatively normal-acting, smart and funny kid to an unresponsive, blank expressioned kid who can't concentrate enough to hardly get a sentence out.

Foods sometimes trigger this which is usually a slow build-up that is hard to figure out the cause but a lot of times I see it after stuff like getting new vinyl rollup shades for his room or if we go into someplace with new carpeting or if he wears a new shirt without washing it.
I now try to avoid all the stuff in the world that I can which I hear of exuding chemicals and once every year or 2 I have a full blood test for a ton of foods to see what allergies have either showed up on his list or came off (the test ranks them on a scale from 1-3 in severity).

I really can't offer any other ideas as my only experience is extremely narrow in focus. I can say however that getting the toxins out of your system can't hurt and may help in the long run.


Drejk wrote:
Are you participating or considered participating in any sort of therapeutic activities? Have you spoken with doctors about anything that could possibly help you cope with your problems in addition to medications?

I see a therapist monthly and a shrink tri-monthly to check on my meds. I can't afford to see anyone more than that, even with insurance.


That's good to hear. Its really important to keep your therapist in the loop. Also, do you have a medical doctor? If so, are they in the loop as well? Lazar and Fakey raise some good points above.


Also, will send a pm as soon as I get to my second job.


Freehold DM wrote:
That's good to hear. Its really important to keep your therapist in the loop. Also, do you have a medical doctor? If so, are they in the loop as well? Lazar and Fakey raise some good points above.

Yes, I do. And a dermatologist, a gastrointerologist, and an ophthalmologist...LOL


Ophtha-what?

*goes ask uncle Google to learn what the heck is that*

EDIT:
Huh. Who would know that field has such name in English. We just call them "okulista".

Grand Lodge

Pathfinder PF Special Edition, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
Fake Healer wrote:
LazarX wrote:

On the off chance that there may be a different medical angle to this that hasn't been covered, I might suggest you consider the following steps.

1. Toxicity Consultation. Is it possible that part of your problem may be in the form of an allergic reaction to something your not aware of? Can you remember any major changes in your diet, or location that might sync up? I would not rule out a form of Sick Building Syndrome either.

2. Nutrition and/or Hormonal Consultation. Diet can impact on mental illness in very subtle ways. Things like Caffeine addiction can do it in a major way.

#1 is the thing that I thought of immediately. We are so inundated with chemicals and other things like mold from lining in buildings that it can cause issues. My son is autistic and certain things can make him go from a quirky but relatively normal-acting, smart and funny kid to an unresponsive, blank expressioned kid who can't concentrate enough to hardly get a sentence out.

Foods sometimes trigger this which is usually a slow build-up that is hard to figure out the cause but a lot of times I see it after stuff like getting new vinyl rollup shades for his room or if we go into someplace with new carpeting or if he wears a new shirt without washing it.
I now try to avoid all the stuff in the world that I can which I hear of exuding chemicals and once every year or 2 I have a full blood test for a ton of foods to see what allergies have either showed up on his list or came off (the test ranks them on a scale from 1-3 in severity).

I really can't offer any other ideas as my only experience is extremely narrow in focus. I can say however that getting the toxins out of your system can't hurt and may help in the long run.

What I forgot to add in #2 is that sometimes the most unexpected things can have strange results. My spouse gets loopy on ginger like the kind you find in sushi dishes, and behaves like an intoxicated drunk, if exposed to any sugar substitute on the market.


This is a bad idea, I hope you have better days ahead, but the things being said here are on the verge of being dangerous

This thread, it should really be stopped, soon.

I was diagnosed 29 years ago, and I cope, I've done alright, but that is all I'm going to say.

Grand Lodge

Pathfinder PF Special Edition, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
Sara Marie wrote:

Removed some posts. Discussing your medications and their potential effects is a discussion you should be having with your doctor who knows and/or has access to your health history. Strangers on the internet cannot diagnois or prescribe medications as they are not *your* doctor (and in most cases are not doctors at all).

I'm not sure the poster is looking for medical consultation. It may be very well that the poster is having or has had some bad days, and may simply be looking for a combination of a place to vent and some sympathetic shoulders. So I'd be hesitant to shut this avenue down rather than hope it simply is something that will pass on it's own accord, and hopefully in a benign way.


you may be right, but, then again with the nature of uncontrolled posting and the burden upon the moderators to try and keep something seriously dangerous in the form of unsolicited medical advice from being here for a long time, I don't know.


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My wife is a tracker, that's a special position in a public school. She deals with children who are all over the spectrum, from ED to learning disabled. I talk with my wife every night about her day. She wants, so desperately, to show every student in her care that they matter, that they can succeed, that they can be more than what they are. It's hard on her.

There are so many things out there that can be resources. Go, find them, never give up. But I really don't think these forums are a place to discuss our conditions in detail.

It is a place where people can be truely inspirational, good friends, clever, witty, and supportive, but it can be other things as well.

Be well, Cal, and be careful.


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Generally, it's pretty simple: Discuss with your doctor until you find a medication and/or therapy that works for you, if it doesn't already. Other than that, the stuff you can do yourself are: make sure you get a healthy amount of food, exercise and sleep, and don't do addictive stuff like alcohol or drugs; while they make things feel better at first, pretty soon they add to your burden with more anxiety and more depression.

Perhaps most important of all: Discuss this with your doctor if you start feeling worse.

What I find mind-numbing is that so many do what you ask, DM Cal. They consider it a problem that someone nearby has mental health issues. All in all, lifetime prevalence is absolutely MASSIVE, with most people having significant mental health issues at one point or another. We really should be more tolerant of it, and the best way to get there is to learn what you can about it.


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No, not looking for medical consultation, merely just hoping that by my example I cause others to look at those of us who have these and other emotional/mental issues in a brighter light. I have medical consultants aplenty with degrees all over their walls, so while I thank everyone for the advice, I was really hoping to start a dialog about how the individual and the public see mental illness.

Grand Lodge

Pathfinder PF Special Edition, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
DungeonmasterCal wrote:
No, not looking for medical consultation, merely just hoping that by my example I cause others to look at those of us who have these and other emotional/mental issues in a brighter light. I have medical consultants aplenty with degrees all over their walls, so while I thank everyone for the advice, I was really hoping to start a dialog about how the individual and the public see mental illness.

The great social problem is that mental illness does have a particular social stigma attached to it. It both contributes to the problem and prevents many people who desperately need help from seeking it.


1 person marked this as a favorite.
DungeonmasterCal wrote:
No, not looking for medical consultation, merely just hoping that by my example I cause others to look at those of us who have these and other emotional/mental issues in a brighter light. I have medical consultants aplenty with degrees all over their walls, so while I thank everyone for the advice, I was really hoping to start a dialog about how the individual and the public see mental illness.

I think that your initial post triggered FHDM's social worker reflexes and he started asking associated questions ;)


Drejk wrote:
DungeonmasterCal wrote:
No, not looking for medical consultation, merely just hoping that by my example I cause others to look at those of us who have these and other emotional/mental issues in a brighter light. I have medical consultants aplenty with degrees all over their walls, so while I thank everyone for the advice, I was really hoping to start a dialog about how the individual and the public see mental illness.
I think that your initial post triggered FHDM's social worker reflexes and he started asking associated questions ;)

How right you are. I was literally just stepping back into my ffice from a group meeting about medication and how the shift of focus in mental health has(in my immediate geographical location) has shifted from the practicioner to the recipient in trms of getting connected with services beyond the psychiatriast or a 911 call.


DungeonmasterCal wrote:
WARNING: WALL OF TEXT AHEAD

You may want to read up on ethics and other philosophies about "the Good". Sometimes a deeper understanding of what one "should" do leads them to that action. Worse case scenario, you have something smart sounding to talk about.

Aside from that, the public generally does not see mental illness. Those suffering, tend to do so in private. It's embarrassing to many people. A deformity of the body, one can blame nature for. A deformity of mind can be natures fault too, but some worry that a deformity of mind is representative of a deformity of soul. Some fear that an outside observer may judge them for who they are as a person because of their disease.


Dmc, pm sent.


LazarX wrote:
DungeonmasterCal wrote:
No, not looking for medical consultation, merely just hoping that by my example I cause others to look at those of us who have these and other emotional/mental issues in a brighter light. I have medical consultants aplenty with degrees all over their walls, so while I thank everyone for the advice, I was really hoping to start a dialog about how the individual and the public see mental illness.
The great social problem is that mental illness does have a particular social stigma attached to it. It both contributes to the problem and prevents many people who desperately need help from seeking it.

Especially for men. Also, in the US treatment for mental illness is upside down: the people who need it most often don't get it, while many people who really don't need an antidepressant are taking one, and it's often prescribed by a doctor who doesn't have specialized training in diagnosing and treating mental and behavioral illness.


jocundthejolly wrote:
LazarX wrote:
DungeonmasterCal wrote:
No, not looking for medical consultation, merely just hoping that by my example I cause others to look at those of us who have these and other emotional/mental issues in a brighter light. I have medical consultants aplenty with degrees all over their walls, so while I thank everyone for the advice, I was really hoping to start a dialog about how the individual and the public see mental illness.
The great social problem is that mental illness does have a particular social stigma attached to it. It both contributes to the problem and prevents many people who desperately need help from seeking it.
Especially for men. Also, in the US treatment for mental illness is upside down: the people who need it most often don't get it, while many people who really don't need an antidepressant are taking one, and it's often prescribed by a doctor who doesn't have specialized training in diagnosing and treating mental and behavioral illness.

as a minor point, I would like to add that a lot of psychotropics have uses beyond mental health ones. Trazodone is great for insomnia, ans cymbalta gets some nods from the fibromyalgia community for pain relief. There are any number of ways a psychotropic med can enter someone's life, and for off label but approved purposes.


Hello Dungeonmaster Cal
I also suffer from anxiety, really severe anxiety. My doctor has continually upped my dosage and for good reason. I am going on 10 years with the disorder. I suffer from severe panic attacks, some from emotional encounters others from random flashback memories. The inane memories can come from any point in my life, and can be anything from I felt shame, guilt, awkwardness, or frustration and anger. They come at different times and can be bad enough to send me into a fetal position with severe chest pains and horrible trouble breathing.
As time has gone on I have learned to fight these anxiety attacks, my mental fortitude has increased as a result. I remind myself this is not the way I want to be, and grit my teeth and fight with everything in me to stay sane (or so it feels). I mostly just feel like isolating myself from the world, but I force myself not too, I force myself to activities I even enjoy such as Pathfinder. I force myself to go out to social events with my husband even though I really don't want to inside. This has all been to my betterment over time. In my case I can't let this disorder control me and it takes every ounce of strength I have most days to get through, and I constantly feel like giving up, but I realize if I do it will get worse and quickly. I can partially empathize with you Cal and I hope that you find the energy to fight.

Dark Archive

You are not alone, Cal. I also suffer acute severe depression and general anxiety. Mine is not as severe as yours, but I know what you are feeling. I, too, obsess about my past youth (I'm 47, 48 in November) and my memory isn't what it used to be. I have difficulty maintaining concentration on projects. When at my lowest points (which seem to come more often these days), I am suicidal.

I also take medication to control my symptoms and see a counselor every two weeks. I've lived with this condition since I was a teenager, though it has only been in adulthood that I received treatment. I sometimes wonder how I survived that long.

I constantly tell people that I am "certified crazy." I even have a brass key chain that says "certified crazy person." You're right. It is a coping mechanism. Most people take it as a joke (and I'm content to let them think that). My friends and family know that it isn't.

It took a long time for my mother to accept that there was something wrong with my brain chemistry. She understands now that I have a chemical imbalance and that it is treatable (and genetic).

People are, well, people. They can be cruel. They will think whatever they wish. Most are smart enough not to say it to my face (I am sometimes a little bit homicidal, too).

Living like this is not easy, by any stretch of the imagination. Some days, it seems downright impossible. But I manage, thanks largely to my understand and loving saint of a wife.


Just another person chipping in on the Anxiety front mixed with a few other lesser things. Signs of mental health problems started showing (so I'm told) at age 17, by age 21 I'd become downright reclusive with a touch of paranoia. I honestly thought everyone was out to get me (not in a violent pop-me-off way, just to ..hard to explain). I would stay awake all night and sleep in the mornings without talking to anyone. The paranoid stage passed in a month, no longer did i feel like everyone was out to get me but I still had no desire to socialise.

Jumping forward a few years. Age 25 I first agreed to see a professional about the problem, mis-diagnosed as depression even though I wasn't and still aren't depressed. That put me off seeking medical dianosis and aid for a while. I tried again 8-9 months later and was placed on a CBT course. CBT didn't agree with me, I felt patronised on an intellectual level and it made me angry. I dropped out from CBT after two months and left it again.

Age 27, new Doctor, new approach. Diagnosed with Anxiety disorder based on current symptons and ignoring the paranoid month as irrelevant from years ago. Recommends Group Therapy, drops that recommendation when I explain that outside of the anxiety and panic attacks I'm quite a misanthropist. Get prescribed medications that currently stop the panic attacks and physical symptons and seems happy to leave me at that (as am I happy) because I'm functional within my life. It's not a normal life, I dont/can't deal with people. Answering a random phone ring or the doorbell is something I dont do, I don't go to the shops myself either. I do the physical things my partner requires as they have physical disabilities (impairment, whatever the current correct term is) and they deal with social interactions.

I know my family is..regretful I'm not a social person. They believe I'm missing out on a lot and constantly recommend seeking further help or just encouraging myself to go out more but they don't force me to. I've had some stange reactions when I've revealed the condition to people, they can't quite believe it at first, I apparently look like the rougher more "mouthy" sort of person and not the type that can't really say anything to anyone without bursting out into sweating, itching and fast breathing.

For me, it's just something to accept, it's a part of me and I'm quite willing to ignore people who can't accept it. Family still loves me, partner loves me, life goes on and I'm just glad I don't have things worse.

Sorry for the incoherantness and rambling.


Wht and cursed, I can't put into words how happy I am to know that you both have found people to share your lives with.


DungeonmasterCal wrote:
No, not looking for medical consultation, merely just hoping that by my example I cause others to look at those of us who have these and other emotional/mental issues in a brighter light. I have medical consultants aplenty with degrees all over their walls, so while I thank everyone for the advice, I was really hoping to start a dialog about how the individual and the public see mental illness.

I think mental illness is way under represented in our society. Things like Depression, are equated with Sadness, and people dont understand why you dont just cheer up. Its very difficult for the majority (though how much of a majority it is at this point is less clear then it might have been) of people to understand what mental illness is. Our society sort of treats it like a flu, maybe you are stuck in bed for a time, and take some medication, but then you are better right?

The 'normal' majority just wants to 'help' this other person function within that majority. There is a practicality there ofcourse. A lot of mental illness prevents someone from being for instance able to hold down a job, or will alienate friends and family.

But at the same time that 'problem' may very well be linked to some of our greatest minds. A lot of famous creative and influential people likely had significant mental disorders. Particularly bi polar disorder. They probably couldnt hold down an office job, but you might very well develop fundamental laws of physics.

The idea the genius and madness are linked isnt new. It just isnt in our society's concious discourse. The Mad Genius is after all a classic trope. But what this means in a population as large as ours is today is probably a complicated issue. There are more people, so there are more people with mental illness. More lives (be it the person themselves or their loved ones) will be touched by it. We focus on trying to 'fix' the disorders, but Gods forbid someone had 'fixed' Isaac Newton, or Van Gogh. Our world would be the poorer for it.

'Normal' people struggle to figure out what to do with those who's brains work differently. We want them to fit into our packaged lives, world, methods. But it often doesnt work. And while many people probably do need help. And I am certainly not opposed to treating such ilnnesses, the idea that anyone who's mind doesnt fit the norm has something 'wrong' that needs to be fixed, is I think sometimes a more destructive, then helpful approach. I think the mental health proffession has made great strides there. It isnt about 'fixing' its about 'coping' more often then not. Thats a good step I think. Telling someone with an anxiety disorder 'Just go out more' is about as useful as telling someone who lost a leg 'Just go running'. So we are making progress in treatment I think but the public conversation is way behind the mental health practices.

Maybe there will be a hit tv show or something one day about mental health issues to really bring everything into the public eye. But at least for now, we dont as a society have the common ground we need to even have the conversation.

Someone I love showed me something that really touched me and gave me new insight into interacting with people who are stuggling with deppression. Hyperboly and a half. I'd say anyone who is struggling with or is connected to someone who is struggling with anxiety disorders or depression should look at it. This is the kind of discourse we need. And not supprisingly it came from the creative mind of someone who doesnt fit in the 'box'.


I will chime in as well.

I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder not long after High School. The severity of which has ebbed and flowed over time, and at it's worst has led to severe depression. When it gets really bad I can't stand being around any sort of crowd, and often develop feelings of paranoia. I have been on medication approximately 3 times so far, although never for longer than a year, during my worst bouts.

The biggest aid to my problem has been finding activities that keep myself busy. Birding in San Diego and Michigan was good for that, as it got me out of doors in an environment WITHOUT people and preoccupied my mind. By focusing on seeing new birds for my life or year list, I can keep my mind off other things.

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