Bard combat puns


Advice

Scarab Sages

I’m on a quest to make the most irritating Bard in the universe, and have decided to make him sprout a one-liner after every action in combat.

Unfortunately I can't think of many. Please help

His combat options
-Sword
-Bow
-Net
-Whip (for tripping & disarming)
-Grease spell
-Dazzling Display

The puns can also relate to specific enemies that he's fighting at the time like, "Time to deal with the root of the problem!" when attacking plants.

The more terrible, the better


Hide behind the pile of dead bards!


"Time to whip you into shape!"
"Looks like we'll net a profit on this one!"
"Bow [as in to bow down] to the bow!"

Scarab Sages

Looks like your stuck between a rock and a Bard place!

I'm here to kick-ass & screw Prostitutes, and I'm all out of prostitutes.

Fighting Bandits: Bandit!? More like band-aid!

Fighting wolves: Time for you to 'pack' your bags

more wolves: Huff & puff this!

Fighting bears: This sword was too hot!

On an enemy miss: That swing was so poor, it sells Big-Issue magazine


Just make your bard David Carusoe and turn to the camera, lower your shades and say some corny one-liner.

"One good whack deserves another."
"Sometimes it easy being green."
"Make like a tree and leaf."


"All greased up and ready to go!"
After a successful sword attack: "Did I make my point?"
"Prepare to be dazzled!"


Play monkey island, write down all the sentences from the sword fighting/insultation contest and you have what you need.


"I hope you got the point!"
"You just can't cut it can you?" (when an attack mises the bard)
"Hope you have a nice trip!"
"The nearer your destination, the more you're slip-sliding away."
"Pay no attention to the bard behind the meat shield!"
"No Mr. goblin, I wand you to die!" (assuming your bard uses wands)
"Is that an arrow in your spleen, or are you just happy to see me?"
"Death is easy, bad punning is hard."
"Goose! Goose! er... sorry, I meant 'duck'."
"You should avoid unnecessary entanglements."
"Pew! Pew! Pew!" upon full attacking with a bow.
"Inspire courage means never having to say you're sorry."

etc. etc..


Umbranus wrote:

Play monkey island, write down all the sentences from the sword fighting/insultation contest and you have what you need.

How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

Scarab Sages

Fighting Goblins with a whip: When a goblin comes along, you must whip it.

Sword: This IS a sword in my pocket, but I'm still happy to see you!

Grease: Grease is the word.

Bow: Sorry to give you the shaft!

Net: It looks like you're all tied up!


Fig wrote:

Just make your bard David Carusoe and turn to the camera, lower your shades and say some corny one-liner.

"One good whack deserves another."
"Sometimes it easy being green."
"Make like a tree and leaf."

This should help


Sounds like your annoying bard should take a few levels in Dashing Swordsman!

Silver Crusade

Macona wrote:

I’m on a quest to make the most irritating Bard in the universe, and have decided to make him sprout a one-liner after every action in combat.

Unfortunately I can't think of many. Please help

His combat options
-Sword
-Bow
-Net
-Whip (for tripping & disarming)
-Grease spell
-Dazzling Display

The puns can also relate to specific enemies that he's fighting at the time like, "Time to deal with the root of the problem!" when attacking plants.

The more terrible, the better

You MUST go read Order of the Stick. Here's why, but you'll want to start at the beginning and read the whole series:

http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0390.html
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0391.html
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0761.html

Sovereign Court

(As you disembowel someone) "Let's see what you're made of!"

(Using sword) "You should be glad that I'm not using a pen!"

(When disarming) "Nice hands, Feet!"

(When tripping) "Nice feet, Hands!"

Shadow Lodge

I should warn you that I made a bard just like this for my first PFS character, and the GM I was playing with killed him off in the second scenario I played. In deeper darkness. At 1st level.

Just sayin'.

Contributor

Here's a note.


I am sorry, I am dyslexic, as such I can only write inverse.


Pull out your Whip: "Time for some Goblin hobblin'!"

Pull out your bow: "Time to give an arrow the Gnoll... ya know?"
(you wanted bad puns)

"Who want's to bet on bredth of the net?"
(bredth is a word right?)

Trident: "Stick a fork in the Orc see if he's done!"

(against were rats?) "Time for some slice and dice advice for the mice!"

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