Miremane


Round 3: Create a Bestiary entry

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8

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Glowing filaments flow around a victim writhing in agony, as unfolding, stalk-like legs raise the oblong creature up from the mire.

Miremane CR 5
XP 1600
N Large Aberration
Init +5; Senses blindsense 10 ft., darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +9

----- Defense -----
AC 19, touch 10, flat-footed 18 (+1 Dex, +9 natural, -1 size)
hp 45 (7d8+14)
Fort +5, Ref +4, Will +8
Defensive Abilities ferocity; DR 5/magic
Weaknesses light sensitivity, vulnerability to cold

----- Offense -----
Speed 40 ft.
Melee 2 claws +11 (1d8+5 plus trip)
Space 10 ft.; Reach 10 ft.
Special Attacks enshroud, flowing mane, mesmeric lure, puncture

----- Statistics -----
Str 20, Dex 12, Con 14, Int 7, Wis 14, Cha 10
Base Atk +5; CMB +11; CMD 22 (34 vs. trip)
Feats Improved Initiative, Improved Natural Attack (claw), Skill Focus (Stealth), Weapon Focus (claw)
Skills Climb +9, Perception +9, Stealth +9
Languages Aklo (cannot speak)
SQ water breathing

----- Ecology -----
Environment warm swamp
Organization solitary
Treasure incidental

----- Special Abilities -----
Enshroud (Ex) As a move action, a miremane can enshroud a stunned creature with its mane. The creature is entangled and must make a CMB or an Escape Artist check to break free. While entangled, the creature takes 1d2 points of Wisdom damage per round from the maddening pain, and cannot move out of the miremane’s threatened area. Other abilities involving the mane cannot be activated while enshroud is in use. Only one Medium or smaller creature may be enshrouded at a time. The miremane can release the creature as a free action.
Flowing Mane (Ex) As a move action, a miremane can spread its mane throughout its threatened area, inflicting intense pain. Creatures within the area must make a DC 15 Fortitude save or become stunned for 1d4 rounds. On a successful save, the creatures are instead staggered for 1 round. Creatures that successfully save cannot be stunned by this ability for one hour. They are instead staggered for 1 round on subsequent failed saves, and gain no adverse effects on a successful save. The save DC is Constitution-based.
Mesmeric Lure (Su) As a full-round action, a miremane can make its mane undulate in mesmerizing patterns. Creatures within 30 feet must make a DC 13 Will save or be compelled to take one move action towards the miremane on their next turn, and do nothing else. This move is at half speed. Creatures that successfully save cannot be affected by this ability for one day. This is a mind-affecting effect. The save DC is Charisma-based.
Puncture (Ex) When a miremane attacks a prone creature, its claws gain the bleed (1d4) ability.

References to miremanes can be found in journals detailing the great swamps of the Mwangi Expanse. One rare account describes an expedition coming upon a sacrificial site deep within a swamp. They spent a night inside a circle of weathered stones covered with ornate petroglyphs depicting twisted humanoids in worship of a strange arthropod with slender tentacles. The account ends with a distraught tale of strange lights in the night luring people below the dark waters.

Miremanes have intricate patterns running across their thick chitin plates that protect the translucent flesh beneath. Their eight segmented legs can raise them up to a height of twelve feet. However, their most striking feature is a mane of luminous filaments that extends from their abdomen. Miremanes often lurk submerged in water, observing with their three bulbous black eyes as they poise their spear-like legs to strike. Rarely, a pair of miremanes can be seen together, manes intertwining in an eerie display of luminescence.

Designer, RPG Superstar Judge

Welcome to Round 3! I'm posting this little blurb at the top of my reply for everyone. FYI, I'm not going to crunch all the math in your stat block, for several reasons. One, I don't have an hour for each monster. :) Two, I'm sure you've been very diligent about this and if anything is wrong, it's probably only off by a little bit. Three, if you were writing this for publication in a Paizo book, you'd be using our stat block spreadsheet, which takes care of the math for you--your job is to understand the rules and bring the mojo. :) My focus in this review is on the overall coolness and balance of your monster, with an eye on how efficiently you put it together and a spot-check of stat block elements that catch my eye.

Okay, your monster is a weird long-legged bug with glowing long "hair" that can hypnotize creatures. Neat!

Improved Natural Attack (claw): You shouldn't give a monster this feat--if you want it to have better claw damage in its normal-stat-block state, just give it that better damage. The INA feat is for advancing a monster beyond its normal form.

Enshroud: This should be a standard action instead of a move action (in the same way that magic item activation should be a standard action instead of a move action). I'd also say it can affect a helpless creature.

Mesmeric Lure: I'm curious why the affected creature only takes one move, and only moves at half speed... especially as the monster lives in swamps, and odds are its prey is dealing with difficult terrain and already moving at half speed.

Puncture: Nice combo with the trip ability.

I like the look and theme of this monster. Kalervo, if you make it to Round 4, your special Round 4 challenge will also include sculpting a miniature of your monster. ;)

I DO recommend this monster for advancement.

The Exchange Contributor; Publisher, Kobold Press; RPG Superstar Judge

Kalervo, I've been following your entries with interest, and as it happens I've also been watching artist Jeff Dee draw some freaky insectoid monsters in a Kickstarter for art from the ancient RPG, Empire of the Petal Throne, the very first published RPG campaign boxed set.

This monster has that ancient, EPT vibe for me: it's alien and weird, and the mane is just made for art showing an entangled PC dying horribly. So well done for flavor!

As an ambush predator, the miremane has all the right stuff, stealth and good abilities to trap and hold prey. The Mesmeric Lure is a terrific ability that any adventure designer is going to love combining with watery pits or the like. All around, well done.

I DO recommend this monster for advancement.

Founder, Legendary Games & Publisher, Necromancer Games, RPG Superstar Judge

Initial Impression: I like 80s hair bands as much (if not more, ok way more) than the next guy, but something just isn't grabbing me with this monster. Hair and insects, I'm just not feeling it. And I like my EPT as much as the next grognard. Yours, though, is the opposite of one or two others that were good but with lots of small technical mistakes. Your core idea I can't really get behind, but it is unusual, and it is very well executed. The powers and abilities are very well done. You don't usually get to superstar from me with anything other than a core idea that I love, but you did it.

Founder, Legendary Games & Publisher, Necromancer Games, RPG Superstar Judge

Kalervo, welcome to Round 3!

Now that I’ve read all 16 entries, I can say that there are some real strong entries here—more strong entries than spots, unfortunately. Some good submissions won’t make the cut. I am only going to recommend 8 of you since only 8 can advance. In close cases, I took into account your prior work.

What I am looking for: I’m a big picture guy more than a minute details guy. I don’t think just seeing if you crunched out the rules properly is the right way to judge a good entry for this round. Of course you need to execute the stat block properly. Luckily, Sean and Wolfgang are way more qualified than I am to talk about the nit picks and issues with the stat block so I will leave that to them. My comments to you will be more “big picture.” For me, I want to see a monster that is fun and playable—a monster that leaps of the page and makes me find a way to incorporate it at the game table. That, to me, is a superstar monster. So here we go…

You got my Initial Impressions above. Yours was one of the submission this round that was on the bubble—too many good submissions, not enough spots. In the end, after viewing all 16, you didn’t get one of my recommendations, I’m sorry to say.

Design (name, overall design choices, design niche, playability/usability, challenge): B
In the end, my critique comes down to this: I’m just not feeling the insect/hair thing. Maybe it’s just me. I like me some EPT and some Cthulhu as much as the next guy, of course. But this isn’t working for me. I think a Superstar designs a monster that is unquestionably great. This one isn’t, in my view.

Execution (quality of writing, organization, Golarion-specific, use of proper format, quality of content—description, summary of powers, rules execution, mechanics innovation): B+
Without repeating Sean, You did a good job with the abilities you did use. As I mentioned above in my initial impression, “Yours, though, is the opposite of one or two others that were good but with lots of small technical mistakes. Your core idea I can't really get behind, but it is unusual, and it is very well executed. The powers and abilities are very well done. You don't usually get to superstar from me with anything other than a core idea that I love, but you did it.” Unfortunately, I need that core idea.

Tilt (did it grab me, do I want to use one in an adventure?, mojo, just plain fun factor): B-
Where the other bubble monsters were able to grab me, this one didn’t. Of course, it is a testament to the quality of this contest that a monster this good didn’t get a recommendation from me. This was a tight round.

Overall: B
Kalervo, just not enough my brother. Great try in a tough round.

Final Verdict: I DO NOT RECOMMEND this monster advance.

Kalervo, your gloves were good but I thought you missed with your Round 2 archetype, though the voters didn’t agree. This round your submission also seems to just miss the mark, in my view. That said, it’s up to the voters.

Good luck!

Contributor

Your first sentence gives me absolutely no idea of what this creature looks like except for glowing stuff and long legs rising out of a swamp. What if I want to be a rebel and use this monster somewhere else? I think you should never use the setting in the monster's description unless you're writing the monster for an AP or something.

Enshroud doesn't make sense to me. Why Wisdom damage? Why not Dexterity damage like a sea anemone? If you're rubbing tendril-like things all over something, you think you'd weaken its body. Pain is not a good source for Wisdom damage.

My problem with this monster is that while the description you provided (the one about the explorers in the jungle) is phenomenal, the monster's introduction sentence is not very good and the monster's abilities strike me as odd. The idea of inflicting pain without Hit Point damage doesn't work for me here; its usually a psychic / magical effect. Now, if you tried to convince me that the mane dealt Dexterity damage, which would cause a fully damaged creature to fall prone in its space (creatures at 0 Dex DO fall prone) and therefore allow use of its puncture ability, I would like that a LOT more.

The Exchange RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16

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Am I the only one who read the name of the monster and thought of the Native American alien who fell in love with amnesiac Captain Kirk?

RPG Superstar 2011 Top 8 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8 aka John Benbo

I like this. It's creepy and thematically tight with its abilities. Its puncture ability is the icing on the cake- after all of its electromane powers, it just stabs you. Nice work!

Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 9

Kalervo, I agree with Alexander - this monster doesn't give a good enough description of what it is. Sure, it's an abberation, so that can be excused a little bit, but I was picturing some sort of walking anemone or something - which is very different than the insect others have mentioned. This is why it's a problem.

I misread the 10ft size as 10ft speed:
The monster concept isn't too bad, but there's a major, major problem I see that nobody else has called out. It's move speed is 10. that's it. any character (a first level commoner, even!) with a +1 bow could beat this thing in a straight-up fight. Unless something else is stopping the party, nobody will ever lose against this, because a halfling in heavy armor can outrun it without even hustling.

And yes, fine, sometimes a character will be forced to approach it. But only if they started within 30 ft of it - and even then they won't even be attacked until the creature's next turn. If someone is smart enough to stay 40 ft away from it, they can never be hurt by this monster.


So, I misread a line of your entry, and mistook size for speed (big difference!)

Without that concern, it's... not that bad. A little weird, perhaps, but I have to rethink it now that I'm not assuming it has a 10 ft move speed.

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

RonarsCorruption wrote:
The monster concept isn't too bad, but there's a major, major problem I see that nobody else has called out. It's move speed is 10. that's it. any character (a first level commoner, even!) with a +1 bow could beat this thing in a straight-up fight. Unless something else is stopping the party, nobody will ever lose against this, because a halfling in heavy armor can outrun it without even hustling.

Ronars, I'm afraid you're mistaken. Its speed is 40. So it's gonna catch you, tickle you with its colorful mane and eat you. :D

EDIT: Ninja'd by Ronars himself. :)

Anyway, Kalervo, I think you did really well this round. Your round 2 entry had some thematic issues with the phantom whistle not quite fitting in, but here I think you did a very good job at making all pieces fit together thematically. As far as I can tell, your math is also spot on. And I very much like it that it has something definitely Lovecraftian about it.

Definitely recommended for advancement!

Liberty's Edge

Wolfgang Baur wrote:
and as it happens I've also been watching artist Jeff Dee draw some freaky insectoid monsters in a Kickstarter for art from the ancient RPG, Empire of the Petal Throne, the very first published RPG campaign boxed set.

Totally off topic but ... Jeff Dee!!! He was one of my favorite TSR artists back in the day! I used to study his illustrations for hours when I was a young, budding artists. Tell me more about this Kickstarter!!!

Sorry, back to the monsters :)

Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 9

Okay, following up my (incorrectly targeted) rant on super slow creatures, I kinda like this guy. creepy, moderately dangerous, and interesting abilities.

Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Clouds Without Water

Naming: Pretty good. Descriptive to some extent, but it has a flow to it. I like saying it. SA names are above average too.

Cool Factor: Above average. Kind of like a mutant stinging millipede or something. Feels very swampy. The second time players face one of these they'll be just as freaked out as the first.

Not an auto-vote for me, but going in the keep file.

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16 , Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka JoelF847

I like this monster a lot. I agree that the description is the weakest part of the entry, especially the flavor text and the beginning that is supposed to be used to describe what you see when you look at it.

That being said, it's all about the mane, and it's a cool electo-hypnotising mane - I particularly like that it can do multiple things - lure, then spread some stunning around, then brain drain with pain.

What I wasn't quite sold on was that it could only enshroud stunned creatures. Yes, it will have some stunned creatures, but only once per encounter effectively. It would be nice to let it grapple with it's main to also enshroud. For that matter, I wasn't quite sure why it entangled instead of grappled, since the escape rules seem to be based on grapple, and presumably the CMB or escape artist check would be against the monster's CMD.

I also thought that for an ambush predator, having light sensitivity was odd, when it lives in the swamp - I guess it only targets nocturnal prey - which is often not going to be the PCs, especially at lower levels, which would be appropriate for a CR5 beastie.

Finally, I agree that pain shouldn't do Wisdom damage - it should do Dexterity damage ALSO, the physical pain deadens the nerves, and the mental shock attacks the mind.

All in all, I like this enough to likely vote for it, and the problems are on the minor side. Good job!

RPG Superstar 2009 Top 16, 2012 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Epic Meepo

@Kalervo Oikarinen: The problem with any weird-looking monster in a forum with no visual artwork is that you have to describe the monster convincingly, and I don't feel that you've done that sufficiently. Until the very end, I wasn't entirely sure what your monster looked like, and after that, I found myself refusing to accept the concept of an insect with long, lustrous hair. Mechanically, this is an okay monster, but it's dragged down quite a bit by its descriptive text.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7 aka Standback

Kalervo, I like this entry a lot :) I'll chime in with the others about the lack of description - particularly the first paragraph. Describing journal entries about the monster isn't the right format here - a monster entry is meant for the GM, and it should have concrete info, not atmospheric teasers. It also eats up a lot of wordcount - providing atmosphere, which is nice, but that wordcount could be better spent on something that's both atmospheric and that provides GM detail.

RPG Superstar 2010 Top 32, 2011 Top 4 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka DankeSean

I sort of like this entry, and really want to like it more. I'm initially taken in at the thought of a giant mass of stinging, tentacly hair spreading through a swamp and nabbing the unwary. But, like many, I'm kind of thrown off by the notion that those long golden locks belong to a giant insect thing. But, getting past that bias, I like the abilities this has, kind of like a swamp based man-o-war. I have liked your prior work, so you're a very likely vote for me.

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8

Kalervo, congratulations on making it this far.

I liked your entry from the start, and I ended up voting for it. Like Sean says, it has a neat swamp based man-o-war feel to it.

I have no trouble imagining what the creature looks like based on your description, and I love how you have used the mane. The name reminded me of the Lion's mane jellyfish, which I don't know if was what you had in mind, but it certainly helped me visualize how this monster looks and operates.

Good job, and good luck in the vote.

Liberty's Edge Contributor , Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

This monster combines some cool abilities from jellyfish and the angler fish. Puncture makes me wonder why the target has to be prone, and I wish you had spent a little bit of your description clarifying that ability.

Good luck to you in this round!

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8

Thanks to everyone for the comments. Also its very much appreciated if you liked my monster enough to vote for it.

Jacob, that's exactly what I had in mind. I was thinking that what if a giant spider crab and a lion's mane jellyfish had a cthulhuan swamp baby. :)

In the first description I was trying to get the feeling of the monster across succinctly and also it's dark at night, so you wouldn't make out every detail. But I probably should have added a bit more description.

Halving the movement for the lure ability was a bit too much with swamp usually being difficult terrain, so I'd probably drop that part. I was thinking that the lured victims would shamble on under the effect, so they wouldn't be going full speed. I was also looking at the range of the effect and trying to give more variety to the result depending on the victim's speed and distance from the miremane, so they wouldn't always end up in the threatened area.

Mike, with the puncture ability, the idea was that when it stabs you, you're against the ground, so it's easier to stab through with the leg since your body doesn't give in, like it does when you're more mobile and not pinned to the ground.

Now begins the nerve wrecking 24 hour wait for the results.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8

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Once more thanks to everyone who voted for my monster, I didn't make it to the next round this year, but this has made me more prepared for the next year.

Despite it's flaws, I'm really happy how my monster turned out (and my other entries), since it was my first time ever really designing things for Pathfinder.

I'll keep practicing, and maybe you'll see some of my creations even before the next competition.

Finally congrats to the top 8, you all made great monsters and I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the coming rounds.

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